Good afternoon, and thank you all for coming. I feel truly supported by your presence, all of you. I want to talk this afternoon about the position that I'm in of Shuso, and I want to take your questions and comments, but I'm going to ask you to kind of remember them and hold on to them until I'm finished just because of the time that we have. I will leave time and you can kind of signal me, Mark, if you don't mind. So most of you know what this position is, and many of you have been in this position and probably know more about it than I do.

[01:01]

But there are people here who don't, and so I'm going to just talk a little bit about what I understand it is. So, shuso means the head student, and Sojin invited me to take this position just maybe three weeks or two and a half weeks before the practice period started. So, it's a sort of invitation to be the head student for the period of the practice period, which is six weeks. the position kind of is a is a traditional one really that goes back to all the way to Buddha. He had a head student himself and the tradition has been passed down in various forms in various traditions and cultures in China and Japan. and now here, and I suspect in many countries.

[02:06]

And I read, you know, some on the internet about it, and people really do it very differently. And in this temple, in this tradition, The shi shou sort of is asked to set an example for the practice period. I personally felt very surprised when I was asked to do this and all, you know, I had sort of felt that I do have a very regular practice here and a very committed practice, but I, don't come on Saturday. So I sort of felt a little peripheral to the Sangha. And also, because I don't come on Saturday, it has been difficult for me to take some of the positions that really you learn to do on Saturday.

[03:08]

So, you know, also, I didn't feel like my practice was good enough for this. And I think people often feel that way. And Sojin said right from the beginning, just be yourself, which, you know, is easier said than done, I will say. And You know, I think people project something onto this position and I project something onto it. So there was kind of a gap between just being myself and sort of, you know, what I thought, you know, she so should be. I want to just tell you what the position entails, partly because I actually didn't know, even though I had been to participating in several practice periods. One is to kind of set an example by showing up regularly and coming to pretty much every sitting.

[04:16]

At least that's the way I have decided to do it in the six week period. So that's six mornings a week and five afternoons. Also, Sojin and I chose a koan for me to study. I think everybody probably knows what that is. Sojin made the final decision, but I sort of asked him to do that. I had a lot to do with the koan that I am studying. And that was kind of new for me also. spent a number of years at a Zen center that didn't emphasize studying any of the Zen literature and when I came here it was challenging to me and I sort of work my way into it by taking classes and sort of having somebody help me understand it.

[05:20]

And also, I was in a dharma group, I am in a dharma group that, you know, reads and discusses various things. So I kind of worked my way and then I took Sojin's koan classes. And I've been doing that for a while. But again, it I felt sort of like I couldn't do it by myself. And, you know, I would read the koan, especially in the beginning, and just go, I don't understand a word of this. And then I would go to class and he would go over it line by line. And, you know, it would be sort of thrilling almost, you know, to kind of get a understanding of it, but it did not, it did not, it took me a long time to feel like I had any access to it and that I could read it on my own. So this has been a real eye opener. One thing is there's a lot written about everything in the kind of Zen liturgy and

[06:25]

I didn't really know how available that was. And so I've been enjoying this quite a lot. And yeah, I would say I've been really enjoying it. I've been also coming to the class on Thursday evenings on, the Tenzo Kyogen and I have scheduled a tea with all the members of the practice period, all the people participating and some members of the Sangha who are not participating. So that's 10 Ts in six weeks, and they are both social and a way to kind of get to know people, because again, since I didn't come on Saturday, I didn't talk to people. And I wouldn't say I didn't know them, because I think I did know them, but I just didn't talk to them. There is a way you know people just by sitting with them, but it's different. So the teas are both social and also a chance to talk about the Dharma kind of in an intimate and informal setting.

[07:35]

And they've been both informative and very enjoyable for me. I've really liked that. I've also been asked to give five talks in six weeks. That has been more challenging for me because It's really demanding to try to say something about the Dharma and it's also, you know, challenging and clarifying and so it's been a kind of a double-edged sword for me. I kind of like it and don't like it at the same time. And then there's other activities that just happen with practice period. And I've been going to some meetings that I wouldn't normally go to and just getting a sense more of sort of what goes on here. And I have to say, sharing Sojin's seat, which is kind of what this is called, I've become...

[08:37]

very appreciative of what goes into making this temple available to the people it's available to. And, you know, I often come in the afternoon. There are people who have never sat in a Zen center before and come once and people who come for a month and people who come for three months and we never see them again. And, you know, I just really appreciate that. that's available every afternoon and every morning. So I would say I have sort of felt immersed in my practice during this time, which, you know, is available all the time, but somehow this is kind of a pressure cooker. And, you know, I've said to a few people that You know, when I wake up in the morning, you know, in the past, I kind of think, oh, it's five and I have a big day and I didn't get enough sleep.

[09:43]

And, you know. And now I'm sort of like. It's five, I don't want to get up and I get up, you know, it's very clear and sort of freeing in a way, I really have liked that. It's different from Session, although it's quite intense. And part of that is that you actually get to study and read and talk to people. So it has a different flavor than Session and kind of more input from other sources than yourself and the lecture maybe. Also, in a certain way, one is carrying on one's life. I did clear out my life as much as I could. I still work some and I, you know, take care of various household things. Probably not as many as my husband would like, but quite a few.

[10:47]

So I want to say that I have been very supported in this role, just more than I could have imagined by Sojin and by all the past Shusos and by everyone else. And it's sort of an outpouring that I didn't expect and couldn't even have imagined, I think. And I just it's been kind of I've been bathed in support and I have liked that a lot. And of course, I have much more connection and intimacy with people that than I had in the past in the Sangha. There are lots of things I could talk about, about this experience. People often ask me how it has been for me. And I, I can say it's been, you know, a very special time. Something of a pressure cooker.

[11:51]

Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's not hard. So just about any way it could be, it has been. But I just want to talk about one specific thing. This is something that has kind of been part of my practice right from the beginning. And I I feel that I am not the, just almost my kind of personality or my character is not the most calm. I am not an extremely, I don't have a really calm disposition. And I think people, I've been spending a lot of time around babies and I feel like people really do have different dispositions, just sort of like they have different whatever. And mine is not the calmest.

[12:55]

And so there's a certain amount of talk about having a calm, imperturbable mind. And that is one way I feel like I kind of fall short when I think about being Shuso is that I don't have a calm, always feel like I have a calm, imperturbable mind. I get upset. And I want to tell you a story just about a little perturbing experience that I've had. I've had more than one. None of them have been dramatic or, you know, terribly intense, not any of them. So I, I don't know what that would be like so much. But because I've cleared out, you know, my life and I'm sitting more, I've really taken this opportunity to sort of study this experience, you know, study the self.

[14:00]

And so I'm reporting back. And before I get very far, I will read two short quotes. One is from Suzuki Roshi, and one is from Shin Chin Ming. The first one is, when we do not expect anything, we can be ourselves. That is our way to live fully in each moment of time. That's the first one. The second one is the great way is not difficult for those who have no preferences. When love or hate are both absent, everything becomes clear and undistinguished. So now I'll tell you my story. So last Friday morning, um, it became clear that we did not have any hot water in our house. And, um, I came to sit and then I went home and then my husband and I scrambled around in our basement and tried to light the pilot light, which was out, and failed at doing that.

[15:18]

And then we had a friend come over and he failed at doing it. And one thing about this is that we have an Airbnb in our basement room at this point, and we were expecting guests, not that day, but the next day. So not Friday, but Saturday. It was hard for me to imagine what I was going to say to them. I sort of felt like you just couldn't have somebody come to your Airbnb and not have any hot water. That just wasn't going to be possible. So I felt like I had to get it fixed. right away, so I felt a lot of pressure to do that. And hence, called our plumber, who did not answer, and then spent time trying to figure out which kind of 24-hour plumber to call, and I looked on Yelp and was sure I wouldn't call the right one, and finally did call some, and one came very soon, and he was very nice,

[16:24]

And he looked at our hot water heater and said he could fix it and. then went off and then our plumber called and said, no, that person had the wrong idea. He didn't know what he was doing, actually. So finally, our plumber came late in the day. He could fix it, but couldn't get the part till Monday. So I had we had to tell our guests we had to have no hot water. We had to wait for it to be fixed. And during this time, I got a good opportunity to kind of look at my kind of... active mind and my active feelings about this. And, you know, one of them clearly was that I didn't expect it. I don't know if anybody expects their hot water heater to break, but I didn't. And and that was clearly part of the reason I was upset.

[17:27]

I was upset because I had planned a different day and I wanted that day and not the day I was getting, which really was pretty much consumed by plumbers and hot water heaters. So, my expectations were unfulfilled, and yes, if I'd had none, I might not have been upset, but I did have them, and I was upset. The second one was I didn't want to be spending my day with plumbers. I had a preference for not spending the day with plumbers. And yes, it would have been easier if I didn't, but I did. That's just what was so for me. And there was a certain amount of, I don't want to tell my guests, and I Yeah, just don't want this. And it was a kind of a complex of feeling and thought.

[18:28]

And, you know, I didn't expect this, I don't want it, I wish it was different. Why did this happen during practice period? I can't handle this, I don't know how to do it. like that. And again, this was not the end of the world, you know, but it was it was pretty active. It was agitated. I like that word. You thought of that word. I really liked the word. I was I felt agitated. So I was informed by the fact that I had expectations and I could see that I had them and that was part of the upset. I was informed by the fact that I had preferences and that was part of the upset. But a lot of it was just sort of being patient with that. You know, it was almost like a gentleness with being the way I was.

[19:33]

And, you know, I ended up, you know, by the end of the day, I was sort of complete with it, it was kind of dissipated. But There was kind of a calm, unperturbed mind about being completely perturbed. And it was a little bit like, even though it was more of a complex of feeling and thought and a kind of longer lasting one, it was a little bit like waking up in the morning and having the thought, I don't want to get up and just getting up. You know, it's like that kind of thought or the kind of thought you have in the Zindo, where you just have the thought. And this was longer and more complicated, but, you know, it was just... you know, kind of a calm way of being uncalm or a calm way of being perturbed or a generous, you know, kind of almost parental way of just being who I am.

[20:40]

And that's kind of my report. You know, it was just what it was, you know, and it was upset. There was a kind of acceptance of it and a kind of almost relaxedness, I guess, with it. And so that's my report from the world of upset. I could read you one more thing, and this is also from Suzuki Roshi. A mind with waves is not a disturbed mind, but actually an amplified one. Whatever you experience is an expression of big mind. So I think we have quite a bit of time. Is that correct? Okay. Well, I would really invite you to ask me questions and actually to weigh in on this a little bit.

[21:45]

I know there's a lot of ways that you can talk about an upset and there's a lot of ways of looking at it. And these are just my ways of doing it right now. And yeah, this is kind of an ongoing conversation. I think if I'd given this talk next week, it might have been a different one. You know, I might have had a different experience of this, but I wanted to kind of tell you what was happening now. And that it's taken me a long time to understand that it's okay to be this way and I can be sort of relaxed with it. So I just wanted to share that and ask if you have any questions. You didn't try to change it.

[23:01]

You might call it composed upset. Sun face Buddha, moon face Buddha. Yes, I do. You know, the koan has sort of expanded itself. It's funny, somebody, Rob, asked me, he said, do you think about your koan every day? And I said, every day? I think about it like 50 times a day.

[24:05]

And again, I feel like it's a very open koan. And one way you could interpret it is it just says, just this, whatever it is. It's been very hard for me to include my agitated mind in that just this. It's been hard for me. You know, I talked in my last talk about including. This has been a very difficult one for me to include, but yeah. I'm in a hurry to get it over. And so it isn't so much that I'm upset, you know, life is life, but when am I going to get done and get back to peace and quiet? How are you dealing with that? I mean, I guess you're experiencing that. Well, I think it's been such a revelation, you know, that I, you know, that I don't,

[25:09]

that it doesn't really matter, you know? I think about, you know, that doesn't matter if I'm upset, it's okay, you know? I think, I don't enjoy it necessarily, but I've spent a lot of time trying not to have it. So to let it be there is actually sort of wonderful, you know? I do think about people who have, much more difficult situations than this. And so I can't say that if this went on for a year, I would be patient with it. For a day, I was patient with it. Yes? I remember from your talk the other week that you were saying your preference for sun-faced Buddha. Right. You got it. I'm wondering if I mean, that's a very good question.

[26:15]

I feel like I'm really pointed towards unfaced, and it will be a hard turn to really not be that way. I don't know. I'll report back, but right now, I don't know. Yes. The plumbing, yes, it's fixed. Yeah, that's right. Right, right, now that's true. Right, it was really like that, but I also at that point knew, I don't know, I think there's also the area of what's going to happen, you know, that's kind of, I don't know, I don't know if it'll get fixed, I don't know if we'll need a new heater, I'll have to make some hard financial decision, you know, once they say, oh, we just need a part, then you do sort of settle down with it.

[27:21]

That's right, you'll have faith in it. Actually, he got the wrong part, but then he got the right... Did you have a question? Yeah, I will tell you that our Airbnb guest didn't say anything to us, the whole, and they were there for like four or five days.

[28:28]

And then the last day they had hot water and they sent us a note saying, we just had a wonderful shower this morning, thank you so much. That was a complete surprise. Yesu. Yes, absolutely. Yeah, well, two things. One is, I was, I'm going to say two things about that. One is that when Sojin asked me to be She's So, I didn't know how to do it.

[29:31]

And that was one of the hardest things about it for me that I thought I should know something I didn't know. So I realized that's an uncomfortable place for me anyway. But I definitely felt that I mean, I could hear my father in my talking to me saying, you know, you're not going to make the right decision. It's going to cost you way more money than it should. I could just hear him, you know, like he was right there, you know, talking in my ear. It was really interesting. And, you know, I you know, I wanted my husband, you know, I'm a feminist, you know, I'm you know, but no, I didn't want to. through this one, you know, I just I didn't like being in that space. I really found it uncomfortable. And, you know, in terms of there being a right one, you know, I think there might have been. I do actually think there might have been a better one than the one we got, you know, so. No, the second one was good, but the first one, and we knew him, but the first one, you know, I don't think he knew what he, he didn't do the right, he didn't make the right choice about where to go with our hot water heater.

[30:34]

So I don't know what to say more than that, except for, you know, I noticed there's things I'm actually good at, and maybe, you know, it's my age or something, but I like doing those things more. I like when I'm competent. Yes, Chris. We said we would give them anything they wanted. They didn't ask for anything. We did actually give them some money back, but they never asked for it. They said, you know, we showered somewhere else. We slept here. It was great. Who were these people? We never met them. Oh, sorry. Yeah. You know, I'm sort of amused.

[32:09]

My first response is, I'd be interested in having another upset, you know, just to practice this a little bit. But not really. Yeah, thank you, Stan. I think it's kind of like what that is about everything for me. It's illuminating. I feel like it's the truth, you know, that if you had no preferences, the great way would be easy. But, you know, I'm who I am. And so we'll see. I'll report back. But I do feel, I guess, more Yeah, more, more, a little, I don't prefer quite as much, you know, to have. No upsets, I think a little less, maybe.

[33:09]

Yes, Rhianna. The great way is not difficult for those who have no preferences. When love or hate are both absent, everything becomes clear and undistinguished. Linda. Hi, thank you for the report. I like your report. I was just reflecting on two of the motivations which were kicking me out of your report. One of them was that for all three years, when somebody says you accept, you don't hate the way you are, you just accept it. And also if you accept it, then you're not going to change it.

[34:16]

That's not okay. Anyway, one of the reasons was, was that just because you accept it doesn't mean you still fix the one. Yeah. Yeah. You were accepting your state of mind and at the same time you continued to fix the problem. uh... Yeah, yeah, I think that's really important.

[35:48]

Thank you. Chris. Oh, sorry. Maybe I should ask Cole because then I'll ask you. Yeah, well, you know, there's the book that has eight translations in it and then, you know. Yes. I think that's a point well taken. I do. I think it's not it is a kind of an odd translation, although I happen to like it, but I just happen to like it because it's so. It makes you upset, you know. It's a colon, yes. Chris. Oh, it's almost time, but yeah. Um, it's well, it's, you know, for me it's, um,

[36:59]

not having preferences. It's accepting things just as they are. And yeah, that's what it is. So. Yeah, just yeah, that's the right look. I don't think those things are connected. You know, I think you can change things even if you accept them. You know, in fact, maybe better. That's what I think. I do actually think that, and that's a report from, you know, the shoe store.

[37:44]

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