I remember my first Sashim. About one o'clock I left because I couldn't see how anybody could do such a thing. My legs hurt. My concentration was pretty good, but I didn't know that. Samadhi was very strong, but I didn't even know what that was.

[01:05]

But I had to leave because I just couldn't take it anymore. So this was in San Francisco when we had the Zen Center on Bush Street. So I went down to the marina and I thought, I didn't know what to do, actually, so I went down to the marina, and I wandered around a lot. But I couldn't sit down, and I couldn't go anywhere. There was no place I could go that was satisfying. Nothing I could do that I really wanted to do. I just didn't want to be there. And after wandering around a little while, I just decided that I had to go back. because it was something unfinished. It wasn't finished. So I came back after a few hours and finished the Sashi.

[02:14]

And in the beginning, first few years, I always had a lot of trouble with Sashi. I couldn't keep my legs crossed very long. But I was always trying very hard, and period after period I'd cross my legs and try something else. I couldn't see how people could sit there, just continuous to sit there. a mystery to me. And I remember watching their faces, God faces, down in the mouth. Kadagiri Roshi used to sit there. We always liked to imitate Kadagiri Roshi. But we were always very inspired by Kadagiri Roshi because

[03:25]

he could sit very strong. Even though he was having a hard time, you could see he was having a hard time. But he was always very strong. He never gave up. And that was very inspiring. And there were people around who never gave up. Really strong people. And they didn't give in to anything. And so At that time, there weren't so many people, this is early 60s, there weren't so many people who could sit so well. But there were always a few strong people who could sit very well. And they carried everybody. And because there were some good examples in Katagiri Roshi and Suzuki Roshi, and Bill Kong, and a few other people, they really inspired everybody to practice hard.

[04:40]

And little by little, everybody learned how to sit. Little by little, everyone learned something. But it was very hard, and we used to fight great battles in that zendo. In the middle of the afternoon, it was, the feeling was just really thick, you know, maybe thin, thick or thin, one of the two, but electric. I used to think of that tendo where we all learn how to sit as a kind of ... where we fought out our silent battles with ourselves.

[05:44]

I mean you always hate to leave a zendo, you know, if you move. You always hate to move because you look back at that place, that room, and there's something very special about all the feeling that went on in that room, about all of the tremendous integrity that was established there. and all of the tremendous character that was built there. And all the wonderful courage that people showed in that tight space, small space. So there was a very strong feeling that all the people who went through that period, strong feeling together. And it was very hard to leave Sokoji and move into Page Street because the feeling was so strong.

[07:04]

But each one of us had to face our own character and deal with ourself in a way that we never ordinarily would be able to do. Even though life presents us with the same kind of koan as Zazen, we don't see it, unless we're forced into it. So, sitting Sashin, We don't always know why we sit, actually. We don't always know why. Ultimately, it's pretty hard to say why. And we put ourselves into a certain kind of position, and then at some point, we say, why am I doing this?

[08:17]

How did I get into this? What is this? I'd rather be... We should get one of those signs, you know, that people put on their bumpers and say, I'd rather be skiing or... Put it across their back. So I remember, I really tried very hard. I had a lot of good spirit, but I was not terribly strong. But I had a lot of determination. I was talking with somebody yesterday. They were talking about midlife crisis. And about, what is midlife crisis?

[09:21]

When does that come? What does that mean? So as we began to discuss it, I realized that I had my midlife crisis when I was about 35. And that's when I decided to really practice hard. That's when I met Suzuki Roshi and started to sit zazen. And I decided that I'd been... I'd sown my wild oats. A lot of them, anyway. Not all of them, but a lot of them. Up to that time, I'd spent my life as an artist, of one kind or another. And I was really looking for something. I always wanted a religious practice, but couldn't find it. When I sat Zazen, started sitting Zazen and met Suzuki Roshi, it wasn't very long before I realized this is what I really was looking for.

[10:35]

And so I really was drawn right into it and worked very hard. Not as hard as I could have or not as hard as I would have liked to, but as hard as I could, because I could only do so much. Each one of us could only do so much, even though we would like to do more. But I had good spirit, even though I had a lot of faults and problems. But I didn't know what I had, you know. And little by little, as I began to practice, I realized what I had. I realized something was, that I had more than I thought I had. And each time I would sit Sashim, I realized that I had to exert some kind of effort that I didn't know I had, that I didn't think was possible.

[11:40]

I had to bring something forth, which I didn't know I could do. And if you'd asked me if I could do it, I would have said, no, I can't do it. That's impossible. And I was fortunate to have a good teacher who emphasized spirit, strong spirit. When I come to think of it, that was the whole basis of Suzuki Roshi's teaching. strong Zen spirit you talk about all the time and he just make us sit zazen and quite frequently in those years we would sit we were very used to sitting 40 minute periods and so every once in a while he would say we will sit 20 minutes more just about the time you thought he was going to ring the bell

[12:47]

So he really turned the screws on us sometimes. And we thought that we were dead. Or we wished sometimes that we were. But he brought us to the end of our rope. He really brought us to the end of our rope. Maybe not enough. We thought it was enough, but when I think about it, Maybe not enough. And if you have a strict practice and a strict teacher, you hate them. You hate both of them. But in the end, you appreciate them much more than if they weren't. So strict practice and a strict teacher can bring out the most spirit in the student.

[14:24]

That's why we appreciate that kind of practice, even though we don't like it and we balk and complain, stomp around, get angry, start asking too many indulgent questions. So, you know, our older members, older students can sit pretty well. But younger people who haven't been practicing so long mostly have a big problem of just how to stay in the seat. Just how do you stay in your seat? That's a big koan. For an older student who can sit pretty comfortably, it's a different koan.

[15:33]

It's how to stay attentive. Even though, you know, we've been sitting for many years. Even older students have a difficult time sitting for a long period of time. You can... Over a period of time, your legs become more limber and you have some confidence in zazen and

[16:41]

You can sit for a pretty long period of time without your legs hurting. But eventually, they start to hurt. And so everybody gets back into the same place. They all get back into the same place. My legs, they say, do your legs hurt? It doesn't look like it. Eventually my legs hurt too. And sometimes they hurt pretty quickly. And we all are right back there in the bag. How do you deal with this? How do you deal with this? You can get up and move. You can leave. Or you can stay there. You really only have two choices. Or you can try to escape in some way, but no matter how you try to escape, it doesn't work.

[17:47]

It doesn't really work. So zazen itself becomes a big koan. You can't stay there, and you can't leave. You can't stay there, you can't leave. So what are you going to do? Wonderful koan. It's just like being in the world, you know. You can't stay here and yet you can't really leave. So it's a profound question that we have and it has People say, well, when you get out of here and get into the real world, as if this is some kind of dream. Out there is the dream.

[18:50]

This is the real world. You can be comfortable, but you can't be comfortable by removing your pain. You can't eliminate the uncomfortable part in order to have the comfortable part. If you want to be comfortable, then you have to also accept the discomfort. You can't have the one without the other. But in our life, we're always trying to have one without the other. And we fight wars about it. Kill each other off. Because we want to have one without the other. We think that somebody else is making us uncomfortable.

[19:55]

Or something else is doing something to us. Or that conditions are creating our discomfort. It's true that they do, but... If we want to have some good understanding, then we have to We have to find out how to be really comfortable without eliminating the problems, the outer problems that make us uncomfortable.

[21:03]

What makes us uncomfortable? What's the source of discomfort? So this is a big question for our practice. And not only is it a question here in Zen Do, but it's a question for us wherever we go. If we want peace, you know, we're always talking about we want peace. If we want peace, How do we find it? And what is peace, anyway? What is peace? We think that we know. If you just stop all the disturbance, you have peace.

[22:07]

In a sense, that's true. When you sit in zazen, you sit in sashi, how do you stop the disturbance? And where is the disturbance? If you want peace, How do you stop the disturbance? Sometimes we get angry, you know, and it's very common for people to get angry and it's pretty hard to get through the anger. I myself don't remember ever getting angry about something. As if there was something persecuting me that I had to get angry at. Or even myself.

[23:12]

I don't think I ever got angry at myself. But some people do. I always just felt a lot of anguish. Why can't I do this? And, oh boy, this really hurts. How did I get into this? It's like saying, why was I born? Same question. Why was I born? How did I get into this? One of the crucial points here is that we made some kind of decision. I remember one early sesshin at Sokoji, when we walked into the zendo, and all around, outside the zendo and in the zendo, Suzuki Roshi put up signs, little signs that said, it's a matter of life and death.

[24:17]

And As soon as I saw that sign, I knew exactly what it meant. But if I started to think about it too much, I didn't know what it meant. But just looking at the sign, I knew exactly what it meant. But if I started to think about it, you know, my mind would give me all kinds of problems about it. But just seeing that, I knew exactly what it meant. And one thing it meant was that Because we make a decision to do something, if we make a decision to do something, then that decision is a matter of life and death. Usually we make decisions and they don't mean so much. Not usually, but quite often. If things get too difficult, we change. to make a real life and death decision, to make a decision that your life counts on, is not something that we often do.

[25:36]

And when we do it, we have to be very careful, because how we decide something, and how we go about carrying that decision through, means a lot for our integrity and for what we will do moment after moment. If we look at our life, you know, sometimes it looks like a series of broken promises. Things that we wanted to do but could never really carry out. And in a sense, in that sense, most of us are failures. But in this case of Sachine, or Zazen, decision is very important.

[26:52]

how to carry out your decision and not give up. It's really a matter of life and death, how you can do something that's so difficult and not back down. In this Sashin, if you haven't had much experience sitting, you can move your legs. But it's important to just stay in your place, to be committed to staying in your place, no matter what happens, no matter what's going on in your mind or your body, no matter how you feel about it, to see your commitment through, to stay in one spot. If you can keep your legs crossed, that's good.

[28:00]

But even if you can't, just stay in your place. Even if you have to hang on by your teeth. So when we first enter Sashin, it's like, you know, we have some inkling that we're putting our foot in to a difficult spot, but we don't realize how difficult it really is. And then you find out that it's really difficult that you put yourself into a position that there's

[29:01]

You can't exit. No exit. You just have to see it all the way through. Even if you leave forever, there's still something unfinished. And that unfinished thing is something that eventually you have to finish. But it's possible to sit comfortably. Very possible. And when you can really sit comfortably, then you really appreciate all the effort that you make to be able to sit comfortably. when you can accept completely your comfort and discomfort equally and you're sitting right there in the middle of everything no matter what's going on just you are just breath posture and breath one breath after another what each moment

[30:33]

one moment after another, completely involved, completely one with each breath, and completely one with posture. There's no you, no problem. So as we continue to sit, even though it's very difficult, one period after another, something's happening. It's like some kind of refinement of your effort. In the beginning our effort is very rough, but as we continue to practice our effort becomes more refined. And all the opposites are brought together and accepted together.

[31:45]

So you can't say whether it's... At some point you can't say whether it's pleasure or pain. You can't say. What is it? I can't say. It's not exactly pleasure and it's not exactly pain. It's inexpressible. Somebody once used to... people used to ask Karagiri Roshi if he liked zazen. He said, no, I don't like it. I don't like it. But, no, I don't not like it. I don't not like it.

[32:51]

It doesn't depend on whether you like it or not. It's not in that realm. On the other hand, it's quite wonderful when you can sit in your seat and feel that. It's quite wonderful, whatever is happening. I'm not attached to anything in the world. When you have some difficulty, when you have pain in your legs or a lot of thoughts or anger or something, just put your mind in your breath.

[34:03]

One breath after the next. Sometimes just one breath after the next. And when you count one, your counting should be very deep. You're counting, not just in your head. You don't just count in your head. Your count is, your whole breath is your count. So your counting comes from here. It's just like Mu. You count the same way you would say Mu. One is Mu. One. Two. The whole breath, the whole body and breath is a number. So if you work that way, you have to work. Loving is work. Then, even though you have thoughts of, I'd rather be doing something else, you put your attention into the breath.

[35:19]

Just put your whole effort into breathing, into following breath. And then each moment, each breath is a moment. And there's no moment outside of this. There's no next moment. It's just this moment. Only this moment. Or only this. Just this. So, let's pay attention to our posture and breathing.

[36:28]

And in the same way, you know, when we stand up, when we do kinhin, the same as zazen, when we work after lunch, please keep your attention on your center, on your hara, when you work. No matter what you're doing, keep coming back to that. So that however you move, you find yourself moving around your center. If you lift something, lift something with attention to your center. You know, when you lift something heavy, you should lift with your legs, not with your back. And if you're going to lift something heavy, to stand over it and pull up, you know, you'll hurt yourself. That's not paying attention to your center.

[37:31]

But if you lift something heavy, it's better to squat down and then lift this way. You know, you see weightlifters, they don't, sometimes they pull up, choke up to here, but when the actual push is this way, using the center and getting under something, So we can do that. That principle applies everywhere to whatever you're doing, and it's mindfulness. And if we work in that way, always paying attention to our center, then we'll really be in touch with everybody. We'll be in touch with each other. And our intuitive connection will be much stronger. And we won't have to talk so much. During work period, we shouldn't talk so much. If we really have our mind centered, then we're occupied.

[38:34]

No need to talk so much. And we're all in contact with each other. And our intuition is very strong. That's how we develop our intuition. So, for our two days of sitting, let's please try as hard as we can and encourage each other with a very strong spirit and try to maintain that spirit the whole time.

[39:39]

After all, you know, we could be... This is Saturday. Tomorrow is Sunday. We could be sailing, you know. You could be doing something interesting. So as long as we're here doing this, let's make it worthwhile. Let's make it total, not just waste our time. Thank you.

[40:18]

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