Well, welcome to everyone. I'd like to especially welcome those people who are new here or may have just had Zazen instruction. We are in the end of our first week of practice period and we're breaking all kinds of attendance records here, so you've come at a really lively time. I know it's sometimes hard to come to a new place like this. It can be a little daunting or overwhelming, not knowing what's going on, so you should enjoy your status as beginners, since that's what we're all striving for anyway. My name is Karen, and I'm the head student for this practice period, which I'll get to in a minute. Let's see. For those of you who have joined practice period, and there's a good lot of you, I think a thousand or so, I don't know, stacks and stacks of commitments.

[01:09]

Because of that, instead of giving you a personal call and inviting you to tea at a particular time, we've thrown our hands up and put a sign up on the board. And those are for the group teas. Individual tees will still be contacted individually. So one of the things we do in practice period is have tea. And your agreements will be returned to you so that you can follow them so you know what you agreed to. And you can leave notes for me if you want to be in touch with me. My basket is on the back porch. There's a little basket on the table where the mailboxes are. So you should leave me notes if you want to be in touch with me. You can also be in touch with Damaris, who is my helper, my assistant during this practice period. And I want to say just a little bit about practice period so that those of us who are in it and those of us who are not can join together and sort of have maybe some kind of idea together of what we're doing.

[02:23]

Many of us signed up to participate in practice period by intensifying our commitment to formal practice That's one way of looking at it, that we make a little bit of a stretch to sit here in the zendo with the sangha, maybe a little bit more, or when we don't usually, or something that works for our life. And we also sign up to do various sittings or attend various ceremonies. The practice period is for those people who signed up to participate, who want to do a practice period, who want to take a period of time and express their practice in a really wholehearted way. And practice period is also It's not an exclusive thing.

[03:27]

It's not meant to make people who didn't sign up feel excluded. Practice is for everybody. Everybody who enters the Zendo door and follows the Zazen schedule is participating in practice. And some of us have just chosen to intensify our practice. And so we'll be doing some extra things. Hopefully that makes everyone feel somewhat included in the practice. So, for me, I'm sitting in the head seat for this practice period, and this is talk number two of apparently three talks I give during my shoe-sew-ship. I don't exactly know what this talk is supposed to be.

[04:32]

I know the first talk was a way-seeking mind talk, and so then Roshi asked me right before we came in, well, what are you going to talk about? So I don't really know that there's a defined topic. But the topic I picked is what is practice, period. And very quickly the question came up, well, what is practice? since for me practice period is this sort of special time, what is practice? And how am I expressing my practice in this thing called practice period? And during this week, ideas were floating in my head. And when I went to the Wednesday night group, we read a passage in the book we're reading, and it was about speaking. And I started to get nervous about speaking. And so the group helped me focus sort of how to come to this talk because the question they asked was, what's the purpose of the talk?

[05:40]

And I realized, well, I know what my topic is, but what's the purpose? And in thinking about what the purpose is, I realized, well, I have something to say about what it means to be the head student. Because the reason I'm up here is because I've been asked to be the head student. And what does that mean? What does it mean to sit in the head seat? So I tried out some ideas on my colleagues, and then I thought about it a little more last night. Part of what I'm doing here is I'm being a student in front of the Sangha. I'm being a Zen student in front of all of you and you can watch me in a way that we don't really get to watch each other. You get to watch me practice in all the ways that I practice. I think it's a position where I can reveal myself

[06:45]

and my practice and my mind, reveal my mind, you can see where I'm at, you can see how I'm practicing. And this is actually kind of, you know, daunting. It's a little, you're going to see how I'm doing and, you know, how am I doing? So I get to practice a lot of things because that's the situation, you know, I get to practice letting go of what you might think of me, or worrying about what you think of me, but I get to practice a lot of non-attachment and humility, because I'm going to make mistakes, I'm going to not feel well, I'm not going to look like a model all the time, although it's sort of my admonition to be that. You know, just saying it makes me feel like I'm about, I don't know, I'll walk out of here and just perish for even assuming I could be a model.

[07:48]

But on the other hand, almost everyone in this room is a model for me. So I feel like we do it for each other. I'm just sort of doing it in the head seat, this practice period. So I get to practice those sorts of things. And then you get to practice. You get to practice compassion. and support. You know, you also get to do your own practice wholeheartedly here with the benefit of all these bodhisattvas sitting together. And all the things that come up during a practice period which, you know, for me it's been one week and it already feels like it's been three months. It's been a really long week and a lot's come up. So that's great. That's just really great. It's, you know, the cooking's happening. And in addition to all of that, and maybe at the heart of all that, is Sojin Roshi giving us our teaching, leading us in the practice period, and he's asked me to help him.

[09:00]

And the way I feel like I can help him is by serving. And the way I intend to serve in this practice period and serve you and myself is first I'll be in the Zendo. That's the main way I want to serve, is being here in the Zendo, sitting Zazen. I also want to be available to people I realized all this week when I get out of morning and afternoon Zazen, I get to leave right after Meldas. So I'm the first one out so I can get my shoes and I go into the practice, the community room to change. So that must not seem very available, you know. I was here in the Zendo and then I disappear and by the time I've changed and come out, you're all gone. So I thought I'd start hanging around a little bit. But my intention is to be available. and to have tea with you, those of you who signed up for practice period in groups and privately, to have tea together.

[10:03]

I also want to serve by speaking the truth. I don't know yet what that means, but it seemed really important to say that. I think it's very easy to cut corners on speaking the truth in a lot of situations and I don't want to go out of my way to offend anyone or make cases out of things that are not cases, but I want to speak the truth in the moment, what that is, and practice the precepts. So that's how I imagine I serve. And a lot of you are in positions of helping me do that. And we all have sort of roles in the Zendo, We do different things to sort of support the practice. But really all those roles sort of melt away when we realize that we're all just together expressing Buddha nature.

[11:10]

That we come together to sit. And in our sitting, we practice not gaining, non-gaining mind. Maybe we've all come from our different lives. Various forms of suffering have brought us here. Various needs or maybe a longing to commune with other people or some longing for that relationship with God or something that we're searching for that we feel like this place can hold. I also think that we come here because we know something already. And our suffering has driven us to know that thing, that Buddha mind, that we are not apart from that. In fact, we are Buddha mind expressing itself in human form.

[12:15]

And our way of celebrating that realization, our way of really Knowing it and becoming intimate with it is to sit. To sit and express the truth. And we're fortunate that we get to do it together. I think we forget that point a lot. I know I do. I keep thinking I need to improve. But in fact, I mean I can improve. There would be no harm in that. But that's not what this is about. And there are three ways I feel like I'm going to be practicing that expression. Practicing expressing Buddha mind.

[13:19]

expressing the truth that I'm already enlightened, we've already arrived. The first thing is we take up this posture. We take up this zazen posture. And posture is a very important part of practice. It's really the way we're expressing ourselves. And so for me it's really good to get posture correct, to get it right, to be mindful of my posture, to be engaged in my posture. There's a real intimacy I begin to cultivate with myself when I actually let my life reside here in my body. when I'm not just aware of my thoughts or know a lot of good Zen stories, but when I'm actually present in my body. And technically it's important to sit correctly and not be pinching anything and not be overly ambitious, but not wiggle.

[14:32]

You know, this is our foundation, along with breathing. is the two aspects of Zazen practice. And for me, taking up residence in my body has been a great liberation because it sort of reminded me where it's all happening. You know, it's happening everywhere. And for me, it's happening in here, and here's a good place to pay attention. And so that's something in the formal sense I can do during Zazen. And posture is having a full body and mind. In our Wednesday night group we've been reading Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind. And there's a quote about this that I think really captures the technical sense of having a good relationship with your posture and the spirit of Zazen.

[15:48]

Suzuki Roshi says that Zazen practice is the direct expression of our true nature. And on posture he says, these forms are not the means of obtaining the right state of mind. To take this posture itself is itself to have the right state of mind. There is no need to obtain some special state of mind. So, I find this something really helpful to return to over and over again, especially when I'm bothered by my mind. which happens a lot, I get bothered by what's arising, because I think it's apart from my Buddha nature. I think it's apart from realizing the truth. And keeping in mind the posture, returning to posture, makes me realize this posture is the right state of mind.

[16:55]

Just being here, committed to my experience, is expressing my practice. Whatever arises is what's arising. It's not apart from emptiness. It's not apart from all that is. It's just what's arising. And the larger my container is, the more I'm in my body fully committed, knowing it's the right state of mind, the more that what arises has a place to live. So it can arise, it can live, and it can pass away, which is the nature of everything. That's what everything's doing all the time. And so my body is also doing that. It's also a place where that can go on, and I can participate in that. So it's very practical. It's very practical to have a good posture. It's having a home.

[17:57]

You get to breathe. You get to notice your breathing. It's a very beautiful posture. So our aesthetics are met. It's very stable and open. And you get to have a lot of knee pain, which is good for waking up, you know, when you just think everything is great and you get to start going deeper. It's It's really helpful for me to work with the idea that there's nothing for me to attain. That taking this posture is a practice and to do that over and over again is just like our lives. Waking up every morning, getting breakfast, going to work, greeting our loved ones, driving our cars. All of that. We do this day in and day out, and that's what Zazen practice is. And the posture is how we know that we are engaged in our own enlightenment.

[19:08]

So that's the first way I'm committing to my practice. I've also been trying to count my breaths this week. I'm just reporting to you. I'm trying to count my breaths and it's something I personally have a lot of trouble with. You are welcome to just approach me and say, so what'd you get up to this time? Posture is really important. It's also a way we get intimate with one another. I was doing Kinhin this morning. I realized there's no talking and there's no eye gazing and there's this incredible intimacy and just passing someone, approaching them, being level with them and departing. Just worlds arise, just being in my posture.

[20:12]

So you don't miss anything. A second practice that I've taken up is a listening practice. And this was born of a personal growth workshop I did about a month ago. A friend of mine is the leader of this kind of practice, and it's a personal growth thing that is very energetic and is a lot about voicing voicing who you are and how you want to live your life. And when I was doing my piece in that workshop, I was doing my thing and people were responding to me and he sort of cut in the middle of it and he accused me of not listening. I mean, and he pointed his finger at me and he accused me of not listening. And it was very, was very shocking and at first very confusing because, you know, I'm so empathic.

[21:14]

I'm such a good listener. I really care about people and this was not what I wanted to hear. And the example he uses has to do with, remember how just a minute ago I said, you know, it's all happening right here? Well, that's true for me. But if you speak to me, Where do I experience you? This is the question he gave me. Where do I experience you when you speak to me? And I'm pausing for you to answer the question in your own mind. And you can see if you're right or wrong when I give you this answer. And he said, you know, in some of the answers people give him to this question, and we're like, well, I experience you in my heart, or like I'm really holding you in my mind, or I'm meeting you somewhere in the middle. And his answer is very funny. He said, I'm over here. I'm here. So when you experience me, come over here.

[22:18]

I thought about this for a second. I thought, what? Leave my body? Leave my mind? Go over to where you are? And as we talked about it more, it became this idea of, I reside in my body and mind here. When you speak to me, I receive you by going over to where you are. I meet you by going to where you are. I really listen to you. I don't abandon my body and mind. I just don't let that be what's happening. What's happening now is you're speaking to me. And usually we're listening and we're nodding because we want that person to know, I get you. I get you. The focus is back on me. Or, I don't think what you're saying is right. Or, why are you doing your hair that way? Or, you need to lose some weight. Or, I wonder if you like me. Whatever, we're having our own life over here.

[23:21]

It has nothing to do with listening to this other person. And I got nailed for that in front of a group, a fairly sizable group. And so I took this, of course, to my Wednesday night group and shared with them some of what came up for me around this. And then I was starting a listening practice. And what it entailed was my posture. I was going to practice listening through my posture. And that entailed being still when I listen, like listening, looking at the person and listening, not indicating to them anything, you know, not taking it away from them. It's really hard to do. Not agreeing them with, oh, I get, yeah, that's it. None of that. Like really listening. It's very intimate because that person realizes then that they're talking and they start listening to themselves as well.

[24:22]

And then I did a little, and then, and this was really good karma for me, the very week I brought it, I think, to my Wednesday night group, I think it was that week or the next, we read the section on communication and right attitude. Suzuki Roshi, Suzuki Roshi says, when you listen to someone, you should give up all your preconceived ideas and your subjective opinions. You should just listen to her. Just observe what her way is. We put very little emphasis on right and wrong or good and bad. We just see things as they are with her and accept them. This is how we communicate with each other. Usually when you listen to some statement, you hear it as a kind of echo of yourself. You are actually listening to your own opinion. If it agrees with your opinion, you may accept it. But if it does not, you will reject it or you may not even really hear it. That is one danger when you listen to someone.

[25:29]

The other danger is to be caught by that statement. If you do not understand your master's statement in its true sense, you will easily be caught by something which is involved in your subjective opinion or by some particular way the statement is expressed. You will take what he says only as a statement without understanding the spirit behind the words. This kind of danger is always there. So in listening, it's a great opportunity to drop the self and go over to what's actually happening, which is this other person. And I forget, I practice forgetting what I think about them or what I think about what they're saying. And really just try to listen, hear the words, understand, get the person. And I've taken that up as a formal practice.

[26:34]

Things that get in my way, of course, are my enthusiasm of what the person's saying. I mean, they're saying something that resonates with me. My enthusiasm causes me to want to butt in. I mean, at some point, it's a conversation, and I do respond. I don't go comatose. You've probably figured out that's not a danger with me. but actually responding out of the place from having actually received them. In this instance, it's better to receive than to give. You know, the receiving is actually the gift I give. And also my fear, just the fear I walk around with as a human being, when someone's speaking to me and I'm speaking to them, I might be listening for things. I'm listening for a cue, you know, or some indication. Are they going to leave me? Are they going to hit me? Are they going to love me or hate me?

[27:36]

We're listening for something to validate ourselves, and it's really a relief to drop that and realize you really have far less work to do in listening. So that's what I've taken up. And it's, so that's it. And the last thing that I won't talk much about because we get to study it with Sojin Roshi is the precepts. I started studying the precepts with a group I'm in about six months ago. And we started by studying the refuges, the three refuges. And in six months, we're still on, I take refuge in Dharma. So. I hope we have better luck in the class in getting through it. It's very profound. I've been chanting to myself the Kyoju Kaiman, which is Dogen's Commentary on the Precepts, just this little bit.

[28:39]

It's about five short paragraphs, and I don't really get it. I mean, it's worlds within worlds, and it's beautiful layers, and it talks about the three treasures, and I just chanted and take refuge. And it's a deep practice for me because I often sit down and don't know what I'm doing and don't know what my life is. So taking refuge is, it aligns me with the practice even when I feel completely confused. So that's a little taste of my formal practice and how I'm doing it here with you the next seven weeks. But my schedule is morning zazen and afternoon zazen, and then there's a few short hours in between. And in those few short hours in between, all this other stuff's going on. And I consider those my practice fields as well.

[29:41]

I've broken it down into two things, my marriage and my work. I don't have too much to say about my marriage because it's one of the greatest things of my life and I get a lot of support and love and my husband Paul and I really are having a wonderful time being married and figuring out how to practice together. So we love each other and we We spend time together and we fight sometimes and we are still getting to know each other. And it's a real sanctuary for me. So thank you. The other place is my job as a fifth grade school teacher. And that has something to do with why my voice is rougher than usual today.

[30:44]

I broke this week with my kids. At first, when I was thinking about this talk, the whole thing was going to be about the struggle of being a teacher and being a Zen student and And I don't know what, you know, it's a really wonderful place to practice. Kids really offer you, yourself, clear up. I mean, they don't sugarcoat it. They don't, you're doing great. It's like, they let you know how it is. And they let you know how it is for themselves. And it's all in the moment. It's incredible practice. And I'm falling down, like, hourly. And this is my first year at fifth grade, but still, it's taking a long time. I really love my kids, and I love what we do together.

[31:50]

You know, I had all these ideas of what it meant to be with kids and what it meant to build a classroom and a community and there was just all this stuff I wanted to do. Well, that's great for me, but it doesn't have that much to do with what kids are doing there. And finding that meeting place and then fulfilling my agreement as a teacher, you know, where I have curriculum to cover and I have to keep some semblance of order so that it feels like a safe place to be, and also socialize them. I mean, some of it doesn't agree with me. I want this free and open, everybody explore themselves in the world. I'm behind in teaching social studies, and I'm producing plays right now, so it's the end of the year, These kids are 11 years old, the hormones are kicking in, and we're doing theater.

[32:56]

So probably I don't have to say much more than that to let you know what my daily practice is. But deeply, it's been a lot about really letting myself fail and have that be part of a process rather than an indication of my practice. You know what I mean? It's like I fail over and over again. And one of the things, and this is the hardest thing for me, I'm not surprised by it, but I'm still chagrined by it, and that is, I have such a mean side. So that, you know, the situation where thirty little beings are requiring a certain kind of experience, not all of which is up to me, but a large part of it is up to me.

[34:00]

You know, when you're open, it comes in, you know, so I open myself up and it comes in and it matters to me, they matter to me. But then, I start reacting like, I just start reacting to all the things they bring up. They don't understand their math, and it's like, why not? I taught you. And that is like, when you think about it, that's my reaction. It has nothing to do with what's going on. I mean, this is a 10-year-old girl, and she just doesn't get it. She's 10, and I keep having to say that. Like, my little chant is, they're 10. And I forget it because I'm invested in sort of like this successful experience for myself and them. But I keep over and over having to wake up, oh, what's actually happening here, you know? This girl is like needing a tremendous amount of attention and she's picked this certain way to get it and it drives me crazy.

[35:09]

And this boy has no impulse control and that's his life. That's not what he's doing to me, that's his life. So bringing posture and listening and the precepts into room 14 in Oakland, you know, all of them seem really, really helpful. All of them really, um, make it possible for me to be there and to forgive myself when yet again, I look at some kid like he's being malicious. Even when he is, he's not, you know? So that's, you know, and there's a tremendous amount of magic that happens working with kids and working with curriculum when you're exploring a question and it goes off in a total other place. It's called being present with what's happening. So I, in between morning zazen and evening zazen, that's where I am and that's what I'm doing.

[36:14]

So I'm pretty grateful for the opportunity. I think I'll just stop there. We have maybe, I don't know, if we cheat a little, five minutes for questions or comments. I look forward to hearing what you have to say. Hi, Marjorie. Thank you. What's our agreement? As many mistakes as I made, I wish I had me instead of my aunt.

[37:31]

Yeah, there's a lot that's going right, so I don't forget that. Thank you. Julia. Thanks for your talk. You mentioned in the beginning-ish of it that several Well, one is how tired I am. I forgot how this schedule really gets you. And it gets you not only just because it tires you out, but it gives me the space for stuff to come up. So just the fact that my zazen now has gotten more lively and more things are coming up, it's more to hold for me. I think I'd been kind of sliding there for about six months in my practice, just sort of sitting and saying, oh, I'm being aware, you know, but now I'm actually present with it, and it's in my body, and I can't move, or I don't move.

[38:42]

So it's just that discomfort of actually feeling my feelings wholeheartedly again, and I thought I had been. So that's kind of woken me up. my need to be in some kind of control around my work life. I now physically don't have enough time to get my work done, so I take batches of papers, and I don't grade them. And it's the end of the year, and it's okay, and I know who these kids are, but I'm having to face, like, again, what's my responsibility here? And, you know, oh, I'm not gonna get to the, you know, so sort of facing that sense of I wanted to do this better, I wanted to be, you know, super teacher and super shuso and I think I'm gonna be sort of pretty good at both and accepting that, you know. So, you know, my ego's getting a little... Now tell the truth.

[39:46]

Okay. What is your idea of a successful practice period experience for you and for us? For me, it's going to be to practice those three things I said, posture, listening, and the precepts. It's also going to be to follow the schedule I've set up, and if I need to adjust it, I might need to adjust it, which is hard for me a little bit, You know, all of a sudden I have this idea that if I'm not here, you're all gonna topple over or something. And really letting go of my need to perform well and do what I need to do to be able to be present. And it might mean sleeping sometimes. So, the truth is I need to stay on top of that.

[40:50]

And for you, What I think makes a successful practice period for all of us is that we show up when we agreed to show up, that we, when we don't do that, that we notice that, and we admit it to ourselves, or maybe, I love when people come and tell me, not because they need to tell me, but because they've included someone else in their process. Oh, I didn't come, I can't come to this event, and I said I could. Thank you. You know, it shows this respect of like, I have this commitment, and now my, you know, something's come up. So I would say, let's honor our commitment, and be really nice to each other. Yes, last one. I noticed these two kids that I love dearly. One of them is real, you know, he likes to play games as well.

[41:52]

But his brother, do not have any repercussions. He didn't do it, you know, just out of spite or anything. He didn't, because I think he was very excited to go along with that. And I think a lot of children, their environment is such that they have so much other children they're relating to that they think it's cool to do little cranky things and do things that, you know, hurt other things.

[43:02]

So I'm just wondering, Is there a place for consequences? Yeah. Well, there's long answers to that, and those are really interesting conversations to me, but the short answer is yes. And it's something I struggle with, is applying consequences, but I think It's just called socialization and setting limits. And it doesn't mean you're not open to the child or really receiving and letting that child live, but I think it's... Right, I mean, you know... Well, there's... I think all children need that.

[44:03]

I think all children need to know there are consequences. I mean, that's part of what we learn in our lives, that our actions have consequences, good and bad. And so this is a very interesting conversation that I'd love to continue, but I don't think you should feel at all bad that you might need to apply a limit. to a child's behavior. They want that from us. They don't know. They want that from us. Mothers always are. That's a different story. Well, I will be happy. I'll be at tea with all of you and I'll be happy to talk more about this. Thank you. Beans!

[44:58]

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