Good morning. It's a beautiful day. How many of you saw that incredible full moon the other night? That was really amazing. And it reminds me, it reminded me in advance of appearing here to talk that we were going to do the bodhisattva ceremony. And in that sense, I think what I'm going to try and talk about to some extent, we'll see how it goes, is sort of home leaving and homecoming. The bodhisattva ceremony, as you know, is a traditional ceremony that dates from the time of the Buddha. And at that time, the traditional form of home leaving, the monk's way of life, was just to do that, was to leave home. Departure from life of family-oriented householders. And

[01:07]

the ceremony brings that, brings that to mind again. And in this time and place, home leaving can have other interpretations. The traditional form is what we're familiar with in terms of thinking about it, naming it. But I want to talk about home leaving as a departure from the comfortable habits of mind. And the old habits, which can seem just like home, can take a bewildering number of forms, including patterns of childhood experience and learning, and adaptations to the wider world as we come to know it and come to live in it, and both social and personal choices. Hopefully we recognize these patterns, we notice these patterns, whether they're physical,

[02:19]

verbal, or mental, and notice them when they no longer serve us, but in fact seem to be the cause of our suffering. One of the things that we find is that the, I find that when something comes up, my mind is sort of hardwired to explain it, especially if it's not something I actually understand and know about. I'm going to, you know, something's going to start working, and it's really just based on my own limited experience. These are sort of strategies for survival and success, which usually don't work

[03:25]

anymore. Some examples, planning your activities, some people, you know, I, under stress, I don't necessarily go into planning things, but some people do. So that's something, planning activities way in advance, in advance of, and it's of course, there are many cases where you do plan in advance, so you're not going to be able to do it, that kind of thing, but it's always done with the caveat that I sure hope I remember to do that when it comes around, or we'll just see what's happening on that day. Something could come up, you don't know, but I'm talking more about the sort of like trying to figure out how you're going to get this done, and thinking that if you consider it way in advance, you'll be ahead of the game.

[04:27]

Then there's another aspect of that, which is planning sort of compulsively for minor decisions to be made in the future, when it might be just as easy to trust that you'll figure out what you need to do when you get there. And then there's preparing for things by worrying, worrying as preparation for future activities. That's a big one. I like to call this the original fake news. There's a quote from Meher Baba that used to be familiar, it's now actually worked its way into the culture. It says, what we're familiar with is the phrase, don't worry, be happy. Probably good

[05:33]

advice, but that's not the entire quote. The entire quote is, don't worry, be happy, do your best and leave the rest to me, or leave the rest to life's unfolding as it will. And then there's a thought that comes up, especially when we're under stress, thinking that I have to be enlightened in order to practice. This is a tricky one, because, of course, we all wouldn't have arrived here if we didn't have a clue about practice and enlightenment, we wouldn't be here. And at the same time, there's no stepping away from the moment of practice being you yourself, right now, wherever you happen to be at,

[06:37]

mentally, emotionally. That's the place where we find practice. So it's especially true when you've really sort of dug yourself into a hole, when you are, in fact, the person, you know, you do perceive yourself, in fact, to be the person you despise. And right there is the place where you can engage practice. There isn't actually any other place. So that's where you engage in enlightened activity. So all of our unproductive strategies, which are kind of clinging to our

[07:40]

our created, self-created home space of our habits, ways of thinking, our self-image, and so on, these turn out, so in the language of right speech, they turn out to not meet certain criteria. Like, they're not really true, or you don't know if they're true. They're usually not very kind, because even though they might feel good, they are taking you away from a place where you can actually wake up. It's very curious how our habitual thinking covers up and makes the place that we need to turn to, to see, to find our freedom,

[08:45]

it makes that very hard to access. It makes it invisible, almost. So how do you turn toward your stuck place when it's really hard to get at? What kind of patience and persistence do you need, and kindness do you need, to find that spot so that you can breathe into it, perhaps? So, not true, not kind, not helpful, and almost always not at the right time. And getting in the way just when presence or flexibility or adaptability is really what you need. A kind of clinging to something that is, why do we do these things? It's sort of like,

[09:56]

it feels like me, or something like that. There's a certain familiarity to it, which is extremely seductive. So, I was using this metaphor of the sort of criteria for right speech, but really what I'm talking about here is right self-talk, the kind of stories we tell ourselves. When we find ourselves doing that, there's a question as to, or it could be a question, as to what are we trying to accomplish by worry, or kind of going off down a mental track.

[11:11]

Is there something that we're covering up because it's easy to do that, and therefore we don't know what it is that's really on our minds, but we do this sort of, you know, we think about what we saw on TV last night, and then we listen to the news, such as it might have been, and we start going down our rabbit hole. So I think there's a useful practice to come back to, is not knowing. Not knowing in the sense of allowing the meaning of things to emerge on their own, without clinging or grasping at the thoughts. And this creates a space for inviting some kind of an appropriate response to

[12:23]

the stimulus, or the event that's happening, or what's happening right before you. Now, I hope there's a way to connect these two ideas. I've been thinking a little bit about the precepts because, not only because we recited them this morning, but also a week or two ago I gave a brief talk and held a discussion with the prospective layordneys. It happens every year, some of the senior students come in and talk about one or more of the precepts. And one of the ones that I talked about was the vow, as we speak it today, is I vow not to take what is not given. The vow against stealing, which in our ordination,

[13:29]

we say that I vow to take what is not given, but to honor the gift not yet given. Or as Dogen restates it, and as we just recited it in a sort of positive size, self and objects are such, two yet one, the gate of liberation stands open. And I have yet another take on it, which is to sort of say it backwards, which is I vow to take what is given, embracing but not clinging to what is before me. And the reason I'm interested in this here is because it's about it's about meeting your life and all the things that come up and the people who show up for you

[14:47]

with a kind of openness and acceptance. And the reason I stated it this way, that I thought was interesting, to take what is given. I don't like the word take so much, but I preferred it to the word acceptance, because acceptance is often confused, like you're just throwing in the towel and you're going to just sort of take what it is, no matter what. Whereas taking what is given is to accept with a kind of sort of an active acceptance, not one that's conditioned on, or not one that's sort of absolute in the sense of, as I say, you have no choice.

[15:55]

About a week ago today, oh, well let me see, I'm going to talk about it. Our practice tradition, practicing with not knowing, it's useful in our way of practice, it's embodied by taking care of the physical world, taking care of our relationships and community, and paying close attention to these details, that we find our openness to one another and to ourselves by how we approach everyday activities. Our tradition is full of all of these sort of body-centered practices.

[17:17]

You know, orioke is a fine example of that, where we stay connected with what we're doing and in a way connected with ourselves, and then when we're not doing that, we find out that we're not taking care of what we're doing. If you go off on some track or kind of go down into your thinking like this as you're eating, something will happen which will surprise you. There's no end of that. I like the thought of, well, I'm one of these people who doesn't have much problem with what I eat, but it's always been my practice to not look at the menu, not to think about it. Certainly that doesn't necessarily work for everybody, because everybody has different needs around caring for their bodies and how they take in food and so on, but I'm just sort of interested in what shows up and see how I deal with it.

[18:28]

Working with the servers as you receive food, there's a kind of little dance that goes on where you don't really know what's going to happen when that big ladle full of soup comes your way, and somehow it seems an openness to the person who's serving you and gives you a sense of how to harmonize with that situation. Of course, there's always cleaning up messes when things go haywire, something lands on the floor, hopefully not too much. But how do you approach that with not knowing? Not knowing in the sense of, I don't need to tell myself I'm such a klutz. I don't need to make up for it somehow.

[19:36]

What we're doing here is we're just taking care of each other and the things in our lives, so there's no need for further interpretation. It's just something to do that's next that we didn't necessarily expect. It's interesting when things quote-unquote go wrong, it tends to generate a huge amount of self-talk, usually negative, maybe directed at yourself. That would be my style. Directed at somebody else, that might be somebody else's style. You know, but another opportunity for observing yourself in this way is offering incense, or making some kind of offering, a flower offering.

[20:40]

The doing practices like this, which in a way is too sloppy or sloppy or too intently, so you're either kind of not really engaging, or you're kind of over-focused, both turn out to be, to give you messages that something's a little bit off, if you're getting too tight or too loose. A week ago today, it was a beautiful sunny day like this one, but warmer, and my wife Susan and I decided to go swimming. So we went to the pool and got dressed ahead of time. It's going to be a really nice relaxing time, so we got something to read in our bags. And as I was headed out, I said, I'll take my phone because maybe there's something I want to check on.

[21:48]

So we went and sat out in the sun. It was lovely. We went swimming. I got out of the pool. I noticed that my phone was in my pocket. I said, oh well. So the first thing I said out loud was, I think I just did something incredibly stupid. But then I decided, I'm going to stay with this and see what there is to be learned. And I'm not going to beat myself up. I'm going to see what it is that I did in a way that would be useful and helpful, and maybe even kind. So I kind of got that. I got that I made a choice to pick up my phone and place it in some place where,

[23:01]

because I was in a rush and it was easy to do, put it in my pocket or something like that. When normally my pattern is, oh, I have a place to stick stuff that I'm doing, you know, that kind of thing. You're organized around doing things you routinely do in such a way. And we think of these kinds of routines as sort of like habitual, but not necessarily so. I relate to a lot of these things as, I'm doing it this way, I'm paying attention to my physical circumstances because I know that I am not going to be able to remember what I did. That's a sort of realism that means that I need to find patterns which support my life. I need to find patterns which support my life activity. So how does this all circle back to connect with coming home or leaving home?

[24:24]

Hmm. Coming home. In January I gave a talk about one of Suzuki Roshi's lectures, an old, old lecture, about the phrase he used in it, which was, what is your inmost request? But he starts off the lecture talking about how there is some sort of attainment in our practice, but what he calls it is resuming your true nature. Resuming, in other words, you stop thinking that all this other stuff that you're doing and thinking, you just turn back to your true nature. That's a kind of attainment, but it's not a kind of attainment which is separate from everything else that's going on.

[25:30]

So I think that, in some sense, homecoming and home leaving are two sides of the same coin, insofar as you're turning to what matters, and you're making that your priority. You're finding your true home in practice of liberation in the face of your self-created world that just kind of repeats itself again and again and again and again. When we are under stress, we tend to generate our stories that have come to us, have been

[26:44]

reinforced by us, have been imposed on us, etc., etc., etc. And so, asking ourselves, is that the home I want to live in? Or which home do I... what is the home that I want to be present in? How much time do we have, Ron? A lot. I think I'd like to open it up right now,

[27:54]

if anyone has anything to say. Yes? I'm wondering if, in order to be not knowing, we need the support of people who are knowing. In what sense? Thinking about when I want things to drop away, but if I drop my bowl, then where is the server going to put it? You mean you need support from other people when something happens? Yeah. So, they're in the same not-knowing place you're in. Good luck. Linda? Well, I wanted to make a short comment and then ask you a question.

[29:01]

The comment is this. You said, just recently, that in contrast to that home leaving is to enter the home of liberation, something like that? Yes. And that in contrast to our self-created home, I just wanted to say that it's not just individually self-created. Yes. Right. It's also created by others, family, society, and all. Right. My question is this. You spoke about how the home in which we accept distraction and so on is very familiar in some ways. Yeah.

[30:02]

And I just wanted to add, this is a question. It's not only just familiar and seductive, which are concepts we can understand. Yeah. But it also is painful. Mm-hmm. Pain arises in my body and brain. So, that's really harder to deal with than something that seems like seductive. Is it painful in the sense that, why am I doing this again, kind of painful? No, it's just plain... Just plain painful. Like, I want to do the distraction because I have a pain in the frontal region of my brain. Right. And sometimes it's in all my whole nervous system. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I really do this distraction because the pain is not... Right. Because you can't find a way to turn towards it with gentleness. No. Question mark. Question mark. I mean, it's difficult, especially when that's the stimulus, because that stimulates other, you know, like you say, more interest in something comfortable, maybe some panic and anxiety, etc., etc.

[31:22]

But if we can find our ground from which we can treat that pain with tenderness. I just got an idea. I want to have a dog. I want to have a Kwanzaa, Avalokiteshvara, rag dog. Who's a kid, I think. Yeah. Just a thought. Mm-hmm. Would I find one in Mr. Ross's place? You might. Yes, John. I was listening to what you said. Is this the home I want to be in? I'm afraid I'm... Yeah. And that made me flash to something I just read from Plum Village. They're talking about how we want to be around the people who are loving and supportive because that's the place where we're comfortable.

[32:32]

We're home. We have to make a choice, I guess, is whether or not we're going to go to places, literal places, where it's painful. But also, as we're talking about here, listen to the self-talk in our mind that is just bad consumption. It's like the delusion of... We're vowing not to consume the delusion. Yeah. Yet we are... The question is, I guess, it's a consumption thing. Really, what are we taking in as we... Well, how are we... Maybe, how are we meeting it? How are we meeting it? Is it simply just coming in? Or is that the perception? Or is it... Is there someone meeting that? Maybe that's a... That's the question of what I'm reading.

[33:36]

Can we make a choice and choose to allow it or choose to be conscious and guide our mind? So coming from a place of choice around the experience. Awareness of choice. Judy, did you have something? Well, it's very painful to share. So my younger brother tried to take his life a week ago. And there's a whole history of addiction. There's a whole history of trauma. There's a whole history of cultural trauma. And it's our whole world. And I really go deeply into that pain. So...

[34:39]

This practice of what's the most important thing or what's the home that I want to respond from or lead from. Then it's not abstract because the stakes are so incredibly high. You know, I'm one of the park... Survivors just killed themselves. It's very real. So I guess... You know... This phrase that I do not speak of... The true home. One thing I'm noticing is... It gets really, really simple, all of that.

[35:43]

It's so immediate. Not knowing the support and the true home. The pain. I'm not sure what my question is. But it's something about... What helps to have all of that show up when the rubber meets the road? Because I'm feeling it. But all that comes to mind for me is practice, practice, practice. Because I don't know how we will show up in the situation if that's what it is. That's true. Yeah. We don't know that, but we can cultivate adaptability. And kind of... You can't know if you're going to respond in a way that works for you.

[36:52]

But you can intend that. And... As we say, worry is not preparation. But practicing with turning towards that which is hard to turn towards. At times when you have that choice around it. Like I can choose... Like for me, the experience of a week ago, I could choose to turn towards what was really going on here. That was a certain minor thing, comparatively speaking. But that's why we practice. That's why we sit up straight. It's because at some point, we're going to need to sit up straight. Yes? I guess with regard to that story about your phone, it sort of makes me wonder like...

[37:57]

So we can be practicing so that we can have a more measured response. But also sometimes situations call for a spontaneous response. Sometimes a situation arises and it doesn't need a measured response. It needs whatever. An appropriate response. So I guess my question is, where in our... In our practice in Zen Go and the temple, where do we build that capacity for a response? By not knowing. By not knowing what you're going to do, how you're going to feel, and what could arise. Allowing yourself to be in that space. And all of the things that we talk about as hindrances to practice are the things that don't prepare you for that appropriate response. So at times, I can feel like you really... I feel at times like I've really missed an opportunity to respond in a way which is kind of life-giving and joyful, because I was so muddled.

[39:04]

And I think that just sort of in a very simple way, just dealing with the ordinary discomfort of sitting zazen, as it sometimes happens, I can... I can find different ways to relate to all of that, which create vastly different results. Yes? Yes, Maheen? I apologize for making you late. Oh, you made everything late? Okay, thank you. Yes.

[40:08]

We can end on time. Oh, you mean there's actually someone tracking the time? Yeah, I am. Yes. I found your speech touching especially the part about your phone. It's the kindness of that. I'm scared to say, but I came here thinking that Jerry would be here. Before I say this, I wanted to say, I find support with you because I found your listening on a number of occasions. I thought Jerry was going to be leading a retreat today. And what's been my truth around being here

[41:11]

is that I'll just, I had this unusual experience, I happened to be over at another temple of this lineage and I was sharing, I don't remember how it came up actually, how many times women get to speak on the retreats they have. And I think only one woman has led a retreat in maybe 5 or 10 years. I don't know because I couldn't get the figures. But I found out that about 67% of the time somebody in the male configuration is speaking in front of us. And I described this to someone else and they said, well, I hope that wouldn't be happening in harmony. And I didn't tell them that it was, but I realized what an impact it's having on me. And I've taken my energy and placed it somewhere else because of my love for my own well-being and wanting to share the Dharma within a configuration

[42:15]

which is supportive of me as a Dharma student. And so I just wanted to say that some people would be shocked, even in Berkeley, to know what the numbers are about who's leading the retreat. Let me just say another thing about that. It's the male leadership that taught people to treat women, like this retreat would be full if somebody said Sojin is here, right? Maybe. Maybe. Maybe not. Whatever. The thing is that male leadership would show up and show that they are invested in the women as well and not just Okay, now I'm leaving because a woman is there. So I just wanted to say this is my truth. This is where my energy is going somewhere else because I love myself too much. And I found this was incredibly healing for me not to be showing up in a place

[43:17]

where I feel the women energy was being recognized. I don't mean recognized in having certain roles but I did the calculation, the seats, the I mean actually I wanted to prove it to myself what was going on. I did the calculation of how many people are speaking, how many people are leading retreats I tried to but I couldn't get the figures but I know there's never, there's Jerry's Letter retreat like once in five years or something. I'd like to respond a little bit if you don't mind. I just want to say that's my truth and I'm going to stay I might drop in to see a woman give a talk and I'm invested in that. Well I'm I understand. I just want to say that I want to thank you for taking such good care of yourself. I'm really grateful for that. Just doing what you need to do. And it's a long

[44:20]

story about how I ended up on this seat today but anyway that's another story. Thank you. Maybe this is a good place to end. Maybe this is a good place to end. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, I don't know what I'm doing with my life.

[44:42]

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