Guidance or Control
Control is antithetical to enlightenment; NASA control center and GPS guidance systems; granddaughter's pacifier
This morning I opened up the possibility of contemplating two different words. One is guidance and the other is control. It seems like a lot of people who live. In this world. Are Really. Wanting to get in control or be in control of. Something. There are expressions floating around like take control of your life. And you heard that one. I just heard from a friend of mine. Something about taking control of her body take control of your. Children take control of the children out of your classroom. I went. I went. To a place called proof lab. Which is a business that's sells surfing equipment and also sells skateboards to my grandson there for his birthday. To buy him you know. A new skate board that he could put together he could use to different parts and put together there in the store. And. I heard him say while while the. Board was being constructed something about. Control and there's an issue of control over your skateboarding and then he also asked me I think maybe at that same time he asked me if I had heard of Salazar you know Sauza as E.A.. Yeah it's a singer who was nominated for a bunch of Grammys the other day and her current her her latest album which is up for an Emmy for Emmys nor Grammys. Is. C T R L. Which is pronounced control the name of her album. And I think the. I looked it up he said you know do you know size and I said No I said you you know you say you don't know the album controllers and no I looked it up and and the beginning of the album says something like you know. Basically I think I think you said something like You know I'm trying to control things and just causing a lot of misery and. In a few days I'm going to go to Houston Texas to do a retreat and in Houston near Houston I have NASA right and NASA they have. The control center and NASA. And there's this thing about controlling these rockets to take off. Fly up in the sky drop various parts orbit and then come back to earth and to land safely and so there's this wonderful feeling that they're actually in control. Of that but some of the men don't see it that way they may see it actually if they're guiding this cargo up into the sky guiding it around in space and guiding it back and guiding it to a safe landing it seems like often. If we are guy trying to guide some process. Influence it in a beneficial way make a beneficial contribution. We sometimes can actually like say OK I'm I'm trying to offer guidance here or we're sometimes sometimes people ask me would you guide me. They don't very often I say would you control me. But they do sometimes say what should I do. And I say well I'm not here to tell you what you should do but if you tell me what you want to do I am. I'm be happy if it's something wholesome I'll be happy to assist you. On this wholesome path and and if I see you vary from it I would be happy to ask you you know about what you're doing if you tell me I want to go north and I see you going south and you want me to I might say excuse me I ask you Are you going with direction do you think you're going so in that way I mean I'm happy to guide people on the path they want to walk particularly if it's a power. Of peace and harmony of all beings but I cannot control people. Into choosing this path or walking this path. I cannot and also I feel if I were to try it would be as we say contra indicated. To try to control people on the path of enlightenment is antithetical to the path of enlightenment but when we become anxious and afraid we sometimes feel like you know guidance is a luxury. We have to control these kids so shifting from guidance or relationship. To control usually comes with fear that a disaster will happen if you don't control it or try to control it. As true disasters may occur if you don't try to control things and they may occur if you do try to control things either way disasters may occur disaster actually means sort of the stars are off that the stars are dissed the stars are in disarray disaster disasters may occur. Stars may fall as Mark Twain said I seen some of the best ones fall. Stars may explode. The Buddha Way is about how to deal with disasters. If they should happen to come to visit us it's not about controlling. Birth and death. It's not about controlling and avoiding disaster it's about being at peace with what ever and what ever is coming. For sure whatever is coming. I did not come to Zen center to get the world under control I did not come to Zen center to get people to appreciate me. To compliment may. I did not I also didn't come to Zen center to get people to hate me. I came to CES hanner to learn how to treat attackers. And supporters basically with the same practice of compassion I saw that as a possibility actually demonstrated by the teacher of the person who wrote the vow we just reciting Torah is Zen master his teacher haka when I showed the example a basic way insult. Hello praise Hello I came to learn that I thought that was really what I wanted to learn. And I still want to learn that this is not about controlling me or controlling what you give me. It's about guidance. Of you and me so I hear I hear you know I'm very sensitive now to hear the word control. In the New Yorker a few issues ago they had this article about I think it's called the success schools in New York City where they're quite successful at getting. Kind of kids who are from low income homes. African-American to get really good test scores. And be able to go to college and stuff and the subtitle of the article is how they control the children so they they they're really good at can get in his kids under control they feel. But the article is kind of questioning what these about what happens these kids who get under control and get these good scores so I was looking for the control and I found that there was an attempt to control the children all went and it was one of the at the end of the article it said something like You're the one of the investigators where we're asking the kids in the school are you here in school to play. This kid said no I'm here to work Bodhisattva's are hard workers they do hard work like they meet people who are insulting them and teach those people how to play bodhisattvas are doing the hard work of teaching people how to play in this world of suffering. How to relax. And Guy and. The situation. But guidance doesn't mean you know where you're going. As I like these things going on route guidance systems in cars and the routes guide the route guidance system will now start and then you're driving and they said take a left at the next corner and then if you don't they don't say you know. I told you to take a left. You didn't and now from now on I'm going to give you very bad information. I'm very disappointed in you you know you're not a good driver at all. No it doesn't East you don't turn and it says. In twenty seven yards make a U. Turn. Take a left at the next corner it never loses patience with you. It just keeps trying to guide you. To your mysterious destination. And I haven't pushed it you know maybe eventually it was say OK that's it. You know this is the first time but now we're actually going to tell you you cannot you cannot keep ignoring this because god sister. This is getting too serious this is too serious to not know I have to control you and again as I often mentions Ikarus she said what we're doing is much much too important to be taken seriously we're talking about something we're talking about the liberation of all beings and the peace and harmony among us or working on here this is a big deal this is not something to takes too seriously and also especially you're too important to take seriously. But I also feel like a fool because I'm living in a society in which you know if somebody says hey would you do control over here everybody would sit by by read. I'm going to be there at that's in sort of a cough or control. In order to receive the Dharma. I have do to let go of trying to control if I'm still dabbling in trying to control that energy is closing the door on receiving the Dharma. One of the sacrifices of receiving and realizing the dharma of the Buddhas is to give up trying to control you don't have to give up trying to. Help people you don't want to give up caring for people. And their fact if you give up trying to cure people also you won't be able to receive the Dharma. So. Yes So basically. As I often say we have to care a lot for everybody and give up trying to control anybody you know the. Last. Time. They actually got control with you. Or they tried we have people we just as people who come to Zen Center and then we say we say Come quick try to control Yeah I can give it a try so I yeah yeah. Yeah yeah. More compassionate. John. OK Well you mean like not be triggered into reactivity Yeah yeah. Yeah. So what we need is another kind of energy which is the energy of OK now. They're going to they're going to have temple cleaning and I think some people are going to come and try to control me and I like I've got a lot of energy now to meet them and when they come I'm going to like a really mean i'm going to be so compassionate to them when they try to when they try to disrespectfully try to control me I'm going to give them a big dose of compassion. A lot of energy for that what have you so sure why not I'm not trying to control you. Asked her just are. You are in charge in charge of. You. Yes yes. Yeah. You know. Just. How dare she. Want to cling to the other side like that just because that. Was it was just like direction. And just. You know exactly what you do very much. That you're good it was. Like why why why. Before you say why. You felt bad. Yeah bodhisattvas feel bad when I react Fungo way so that's good that your body sucked you feel better but respond in that way rather than somebody coming and like maybe a brand new student coming in and telling you how to do something you've been doing for ten years and rather than say thank you so much you say I know how to do it. You don't have to give me and instructions. And my effect if you do. Yeah that's what you came to Zen center to learn. Is how to respond to situations like that. Well if it's the reactive attractive energy it's often a good idea to leave town. Well in that case leave the bathroom and go walk you know go walk on to the full deck are going to resent go before breakfast and just sit there at your seat wait for them to. Where you didn't respond you responded with. Right then say one when that response comes get out of there don't hurt anybody with it take that fire out of the room you want to put down on this poor controlling person or I should say this this this poor control freak who's like terrified that you're not going to clean the bathroom properly it's going to be a disaster unless they give you instructions so they've got to get you under control. And you don't want to be treated like that and so. It's very silly It's also silly to get triggered but you did get triggered I mean yeah so there you are triggered so get out I would say get out of there and go someplace where you want her to anybody at talk to her during the first forest fire we fought. For what. We had this area near the stone office which was cordoned off with I think either yellow tape or Red Tape think it was yellow or red some bright color like that. I forgot what the I thought forgot would that always I think that the area was called yellow line or red line that was the area and it and if people got triggered by we're engaging with the fire you could say yellow line. And then they had to go basically a time out. So if I notice that I mean like getting flaring up with indignant. Self righteous we say righteous indignation but usually it's self righteous indignation Well if that your player up in me I should get away from people or at least get away from the people I feel insulted by or disrespected by if you run to your teacher and say I just got self-righteous indignation and the teacher says thank you for telling me it's good here sit down here for a little while and you calm down you know we. We know we need to have an energy every time we meet somebody we should be ready for insult. And praise. We should be ready for whatever and then when the insult comes we can go I know I've been waiting for you. Thank you very much for the instruction. About how to run a sense of honor but if you're not practicing it before the people show up and then they start bossing you're around and trying to and trying to control you you we're so what you're what you're caught as we say flatfooted. You know when you when you're flat footed it's hard to move easily it's good to be on one foot or the other and ready to move. So he should be ready all the time to come back with compassion and not wait until you're attacked before you start thinking about how to come back with compassion. So when you get it when you get us assignment at this temple watch out because somebody might come and try to get you to do your job different way how to like I lend you my trying to get you to pour the liquid asphalt on the driveway in a different way than you're doing it. You ready for that. He might try to get you to control the way you're pouring the liquid asphalt. Or somebody else might try to control the way you're painting the cracks or somebody else might try to control you on the way you're sweeping the floor it could happen right here. And so it's going to be ready not just to do your job but to be unappreciated. And you won't you don't you're not you will not be controlled nobody will control you ever that's not happening that's not happening don't worry about that but people will try to control your own that will happen. And be ready for it be ready to come back with combat Eisen to all the people who are trying to control you have energy for that and if by chance you do not and you feel this this rage coming up that someone would be so disrespectful as to try to control you which really is disrespectful it's very disrespectful if I would try to control any of you and if I do please tell me that how you feel and I think you will feel disrespected and I hope at Chrysler that once when you tell me that I was say I'm sorry I'm sorry I did not want to I'm sorry I tried. To control you into being my idea of a body sought for my idea of a skillful toilet cleaner. I'm sorry but if I do if I do not respect the way you're cleaning the toilets. Please tell me. Yes. If they're trying to control yourself. And I was not trying to control you saw. You know it's a time for you to get away from people you might hurt. So like. In the tie in the fire example we have even crew heads would sometimes get too worked up and there were there were danger to everybody in the crew so and anybody in the group could tell the crew had to take time out so the person supposed to go in there and just go be there and look at themselves and maybe feel their regime a beef. And actually in some cases the person might see. Red line and the person might say I don't need to book I don't need to go to redline OK I'm not I'm not going crazy you know you can't do this red line I don't have a red line and then several people read line. On this oh did ever Several people are OK and they go there and look at yourself and then you start to calm down and then people come over and say How you doing and you say. I really got worked up I'm sorry thank you for sending me over here I really appreciate it and you know whenever you're ready I'll come back and work with you again you know. A lot of times you're not really behind a wire tape so you go back yourselves and now I feel like I could be with this person have to do that again next time I think I might be able to say welcome. You know and sarcastically welcome so it might not say Welcome great guru dismissed it welcome friend. I I'm back to work with you and if you have any instructions. I'll listen to you but again when you're that when you're doing something you don't want to do and you know I say here I am cleaning the toilet bowl I don't really want to do this but I'm doing it because they assigned me I'm trying to help out here and that somebody is not coming and telling me how to do it that's too much you know. OK yeah right it is too much for now but later when you get really advanced you name it and you'll be able to or come back with compassion. That's what I aspire to I aspire to the situation where I have never been able to be compassionate before. And I want to learn how to do that yes. You know it's sort of the same thing but John just happens to be kind of about the same thing. Yeah yeah yeah. You know right. It's the same thing you know it's the same thing so. Here I am like maybe to some of you I've been really nice for Gary for many years. I've given you my friendship for many years and then suddenly you turn on me and say you are the most abusive. Teacher I've ever met and I'm going to you know tell everybody had sense and what a bad teacher you are. And then you just tell everybody how bad I am in your hit man slug Man's to the point. And rather than get angry at you I go oh here you are to help me free me free me from any karma what kind of karma the karma of like self-defense the karma of I'm really a good guy and I believe that and nobody better contradict me. There could we have thought that in the past that we were doing something good haven't you sometimes thought you're doing something good and believe good that's. Karma and because of that. When people attack you they give you a chance to let go of that you got what I'm here I'm here I'm just here to help I'm just doing what I thought was helpful How dare you how dare you it's like your karma coming up again and they're here to help you like. How dare you oh there it is thank you drop let it go I've done nothing but give my life design center and now people are criticizing me. They're criticizing you to help you see if there's any is there any. Defensiveness left in you. All there is some I didn't think I was defensive but here not they got to come out here is a little squeaky Tiny their fan was you know I just happened to come right now for this thing oh thank you I see it. I didn't think I would ever be that little defensive guy again but you helped me find it thank you. And yeah. I missed a little bit of that I heard about the yellow tape and then when he said to that. I'm. Say it again later. Why. I think I think when I think. When I think I know better than somebody else I should read to him I should yellow tape myself. Like if I think I know better than my granddaughter. Like again she does not try to cross the street by herself she's six and for several years she has not tried to do that she's willing to hold my hand and. I don't even have to ask her she reaches up to hold my hand when she walks across the street but if she said to me you know granddaddy I don't need to do that anymore. I might think Why thank you gonna do I might think that and she might say well I kind of think I don't. But I don't have to think I know better than this little girl I don't have to think that but I could and if I do. I'm temporarily disqualified as a teacher. The body said this is I don't think this is a good idea but she does. Those are conversation pieces those are something to talk about one of the. Prime examples I use is when my daughter was three and a half. She and I were going to be alone. For two months her mother was going to go to France it was going to be her and me and when her mother left her friend she said to me I think this is a good time for our daughter to stop using her pacifier. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. So her mother went off we went together. To this place called S. Salon and I said to her Your mom said before she left that now is a good time for you to. Give up your pacifier and the good girl said to me and I thought that was good I thought it was a good idea for her to give it up and they'll grow said to me well I don't want to give it up to help me go to sleep and I thought OK that's reasonable you know what do other people who go to sleep this is not a bad so you know I didn't think I knew better than her I listened to her. I thought OK let's let's let's not force this program I brought it up I was going to guide her into giving it up she wasn't wanting to do it I didn't think she knew better than me but she did have a certain another perspective it helped her go to sleep a little it wasn't like you know. If I don't have my pets far I'm just going to be I'm going to commit suicide you know just like it helped me go to sleep OK so one day I came home somebody else was babysitting I came back to the place were standing and she was beside herself because she had bit through her pacifier. It was a disaster. And she said Give me another pacifier we had one give me another prosper as an institute which is a long ways from any grocery stores I said you know it's two it's a night it's the middle of the night it's a fifty mile round trip and I was just three and a half you can are stand this you know you'll be asleep flying before we get to the store. I can't go tonight but if you're my me tomorrow morning I will get you pacifier. And she forgot to remind me and I forgot. And the night time came and she said Well where's my pacifier. Go get ice and I can not going to go in the middle of night remind me tomorrow and. And I was sincerely have a range to get one and I but she didn't remind me and I actually forgot I was like I will she doesn't remind me I actually forgot I needed her carry mine and she forgot I forgot and it was night time again and she forgot to ask for a pacifier. I didn't I didn't control or into it she didn't control me he didn't control me I didn't control me we had a conversation. And so that was one great thing between us that conversation we had and she got past needing the cap pacifier. Which she was about ready to Usually she actually fell asleep before she even asked for at that point says three and a half. And able to say help me go to sleep I don't want to so here is already a pretty big girl and she knew a lot of things but she's also a little girl and so she got upset when it got. Broken but. She was OK she could go to sleep without it so I didn't control her she didn't control me we worked out this path the Buddha Way is a conversation it's not Buddha in charge it's not the teacher in charge it's not the student in charge it's a conversation the two sides are different father is different than daughter but the conversation don't the father doesn't own the conversation the father does not know better than the daughter he knows different way but he knows differently each of us has this think a perspective to offer and the perspectives are. Suffering if we have touched them and we do attach to them so we suffer the peace and freedom is not not having perspective us. It's the conversation is the freedom. Neither of us only conversation. Both in the conversation that's where the freedom is that is freedom. Unless somebody is having a conversation where they're not really not having conversation they're trying to control it. But you can guide a conversation like you can say let's let could we talk more quietly Could you speak a little bit more gently to me you can ask that in a generous. Guy having way and the person can scream back No I cannot and you can say well OK I'm I hear you cannot talk more quietly but did you hear me ask no I didn't. Ask again what do you want to ask I want to ask you to talk to me more to more tender way more more gently. Would you consider that I'll think about it etc on and on the conversation the face to face transmission. Is where we guide each other and where we're guided by each other where we help each other we cannot find the middle way by which I cannot find the middle way in my own consciousness but with my current consciousness allows me to have conversation a genuine whole hearted conversation with the other in that and the other with me in that conversation we find the Buddha activity but again in our little world we're afraid of what would happen if we actually open to the other and like allowed ourselves to think that it's possible that a child although they have a different view from us we don't is not it is not in fear it's just a view that we're having a conversation with if not better the children's view is not better than a dull few. It's just that when you know a child an adult you have these two views and both people are at risk of. At hearing to their view which is misery and the source of violence. And fear but if you could take your your fear if the adult can take care of their fear and transmit how to take care of the fear of the child then both the adult the child can open. To the possibility. Of the other and a conversation with the other which means open to the possibility of what we really are. What I really am is a self and I'm also others. And I'm the conversation between the two but in my fear I'm but I may be afraid of what would happen to me if I actually opened to the other would you know what would happen it's so again that's a perfectly good question. They might abuse me it's possible if I do have my fear that I can open even though that might abuse me. And then in this situation where they might abuse me and I might abuse them which might be worse. We can have a conversation. Even though at any moment the other might abuse me and I might or I might have because the other. They might abuse their power I might have used mind that's a constant possibility if I take care of my fear of that it's possible to have a conversation where the power the power our relationship is alive and well in the conversation and nobody's getting hurt everybody's waking up. To who we are OK. Is this easy No Is it easy to face our fear of others know is that possible we have one hundred million stories of people who are able to open to others and have conversations and wake up together that's our tradition is that people did take care of their fear and enough. To open to a conversation with somebody else and sometimes the person who they're conversing with has not yet taken care of their fear. To open back but the one who is open to their fear and takes care of their fear just keeps transmitting how to do that until the other side dares to open and then we have the stories of success. You know. It's not that there's no perception it's that it's that beings who her having perceptions are conversing with beings who are having confession the conversation isn't a perception. And was not of his if you like a like a baseball game is not a perception you can have a perception of a baseball game like like I can be on one team about our perception of the game you're on the other team having perception the game but the good the game is not a perception of the game as art or doing together so a conversation is what we're doing together and we have perceptions of it are dancing like I could have a perception that I'm doing a tangle with you you could our perception that you're doing a tango with me our perceptions aren't the tango. But where do Booker tango and the tango Where is our freedom from our perceptions and I could I could also like but I'm dancing well and you are too or I'm not dancing while you're dancing Well those are my perceptions but I just will dance with you even though I have these perceptions. That dance the conversation is not my perceptions are mine your perception your perceptions are not mine my perceptions are not yours and we're just that's part of the do you sorry we have our own perception not other people's people who have different perceptions. Can meet and converse and the conversation transcends our perceptions our problems come from and hearing to our perceptions as reality. Conversation is the way we become free and. We have to be kind to them in order to dare to open to the conversation. Because we're naturally free all the time. Because we're trapped in so centered around. You know. You have it when the feelings are fears and her YEAH THAT'S what's your read morning after the exam the only way I'm recommending the same thing as when the fear is not intense and when there were when when the fear is not intense when the pain is not intense what I recommend is that that pain that fear I'm not recommending I'm saying pain and fear is calling for calm Tauscher. The other time you call them for compassion. Then you call. A huge pain. Huge fear call your compassion is for many people is being compassionate to the pain more accessible and compassionate huge pain I would say usually yes some people are really good at big pain and not good little pain like you know my huge tend to go oh OK They're getting a little pain this is I don't need this who. Can usually when people like you know if you like breakthrough they do. Don't you see I don't need this. But if you're rude to them on telephones and don't need this so some people are good at big ones knows the same practice general it's a gentleman's tenderness with what ever but as I again I often use example I. Had a hernia operation fifteen years ago when I came out of the operation they said. Are you in pain and I said no is that we're going to give you two pain medication for when this. And the static wears off. But we're going to wait until you feel pain before we give it to you to see if it works. So I was laying there and watching that. As a. Receipt. And I could feel something coming. It was thinking. It wasn't a pain like I'm is one pain or what used to. It was kind of a new pain was coming but I had this sense that what I was feeling was if he's used the expression hard. Little messenger of what was coming from my hands hence that I was feeling the tip of an iceberg but. Good. Because it was like you know I never touched in the iceberg of pain and I could feel it coming and I could feel the growing and I sensed by the time contours of it that it could get really big. And I was you know. Here goes well OK you can come in in the kitchen try to bring but nobody was round and I didn't feel like getting up and running around so it's like you're watching them count. It watching to see if I could be compassionate too if I could be in the present moment with in other words be patient with incorrect Can I was relaxed or play. Could I continue to be relaxed let us start in the tense or. You know is growing. And I still not yelling for how but I'm getting close third presumably going made them stirred. And all. I didn't how readily but if it's been going on and on and on I might have not just that hello and my sense of duty even more. Than who knows. But I would have an easy time handling the tip. And then it would go down a little bit oh good still relaxed Oh no here comes attention OK. I know it's getting hard to X. Ray. At about the time when I was about to start calling out. They couldn't in the Get me the medication however been medication doesn't take the right way. And so it grows more. And some more. And then the medication and. So part of it is this pain is too big for me I'm not I must admit I'm not able to be patient with them I'm not that patient. And I accept this is I just reached the limit of my patience and not again I would say Excuse me folks I very barista say but guess what just happened to me I just reached the edge of my patience appears as Scuse me I need to take a. C.S. stop please see in a hurry I'll be back after I've become recover from this that or you know whatever I'm tired started to tense up this is this isn't your. So please please forgive your please help me relax I know this pain is getting too tense or this insults get into tunes. So it'll. Be resentenced to learn how to do this is to learn it's hard. It's hard to learn variations without Taina difficulty and without patience you can't you're not in the mood away so good is have gone through a lot of difficulty. Is a go pain emotional pain. Insult whatever and to learn how to be patient with the little and medium in the big. Insulted painting this is part of our practice and also part of our practice is to say this pain is too advanced for me which means I can't relax with this one I'm going to go it could do a smaller piece I can relax with and I'll come back later and work on the big one when I'm ready. Good. OK everybody ready but they are a journey. Thank you so much for a wonderful Yes. Oh yes I wanted to show you. Something on. On the Internet. And I thought I had my i Pad. But I don't. But I'll try to describe to you want to wish on to me it was an email from my dear wife. When I want to visit her hundred year old mother on your list side of the sentence This could be my wife's Chinese and her mother is religion. And she's one hundred years old. She still knows who my wife is. But. She. She's in a very different place than she used to be. She looks said she reasoned newspaper we don't know which if she's going to she's what she's think she's reading. Also she's actually Stern in the newspaper. Just eating paper. There are a lot of it she's doing that's Anyway my wife sent me an email in the mouth the heading of the email it was this picture is not stage she is that it was a picture of her mother's in bed reading a book. And on the cover of a book. There were Chinese characters which she can read and under the Chinese characters it's. Warm smiles from cold mom read Anderson. Was a great set up here when I say she was looking at it and we don't know how she got the book though I don't know how she got it but there she is really really and I have next people try to find out how my hundred year old mother in law wind up with my book in Chinese looking at it in bed I don't know how that you know there's what you look kind of like. And I don't think my wife said to her What are you reading. Is it about zen or do you know who wrote that I don't think she said and I think she just took the picture to me because it was so amazing. And next time I try to bridge this picture like I look at it. For a group to get across just like her book and look. It's one. Hundred. Now brothers recruited by me it isn't I knew I knew it had been translated and I've given it to some people. But I gave it to Maggie. Who was translating being operated to Chinese and you know. But I say I don't know how much I didn't I don't think I gave it to her but maybe I did form I don't know maybe just maybe it got bought by the Library of the place recently somebody just gave to I don't know how she got it and I think I will try to find out how she got it but she got it in her hands and she was looking at it and she got forty draft. And. It's just amazing. To me this is an amazing world because you don't know if. A lot of things happen which just are really like beyond what we heard could imagine you know control beyond control I thought I definitely didn't control that and it was my wife said this was not staged she didn't put that in my mother most hands why don't you get it under her she got it because she's better than I do hope that book got into a hurry up into her hands she legitimately held it with her hands and looked at it I don't know happened I don't want you know nobody's in control basic things happen so this is before. Oh yes.