So, there have been a lot of things going through my mind, and they're all kind of free-floating, and I haven't really gelled. So, I'm going to talk a little bit first about where I am. And I don't like to talk about myself very much, but I will. So as some of you know, I have taken this, I thought about taking a sabbatical. I've been doing this for 54 years or something like that. So, actually, I did take a sabbatical when I was, the last year of my abbacy at San Francisco Zen Center.

[01:02]

That last year was a sabbatical. They said goodbye and I left. But I am in the process of stepping back to a practice of no obligations. no scheduling. So, I'm right now in a no-scheduling mode, except that I'm scheduled. It's pretty hard to avoid, like today. So, but that's fine. I'm not going anywhere. But one reason is that I'm writing I'm writing one book and editing another. So I've finally given myself permission to do this.

[02:06]

I've been writing a book for about 25 years, something like that. My publisher asked me to write this book. He said, will you write a book? And I said, well, you know, there's so many Zen books. Why write another one? And I still believe that. Nevertheless, he said, I'd like you to do it. So I said, OK. So little by little, I've been doing that. And I do have some part of it done. But I said to him, you know, recently, I'm getting old. I'm getting old. And so I'm just going to give you some lectures. He didn't want me to do lectures. He wanted me to write a book about my history. Some people say, you should just write a book about your history and people can do your, later your students will write, collect your talks and put together a book.

[03:06]

And then some people say, you should just do the book, just do the lectures, you know, somebody else can write your biography. So anyway, I have collected a number of talks and I continue to do that. But I'm thinking, as I do that, it stimulates me to write my autobiography. So, I'm in that kind of stage. I have been asked to edit another Suzuki Roshi book. So, I'm in the midst of doing that. So, there's two books that I'm working on. I kind of go back and forth and they stimulate each other. So, I like to play music, and I do that in odd times.

[04:07]

Not, you know, prime time, but odd times. And that's really good for me. It exercises all parts of my body when I do that. So, in six months, less than six months, this is still January, five months, I'll be 90. So I still feel okay. I can do all those things. I can sit zazen. I like to sit zazen. I'm going to sit zazen unscheduled. My ordinary activity is to schedule dokusan. So I'm not scheduling dokusan. When I come, I'm just going to sit zazen because people like it when the abbot sits zazen, doesn't go off somewhere. And I like it, too. So that's what I'm doing. Does anybody not know what dokusan is? No hands.

[05:09]

Thank you, though. I totally understand you. But people can schedule a talk with me unofficially, under the radar. I'm happy to talk with people. So anyway, yes, so I have to be careful not to get too involved and allow myself to, I'm not used to this, you know, allow myself to not take responsibility, to let go of responsibility mostly and leave that up to the senior students. So I recommend that you, if you want to sign up for an interview, I guess you call it that, dokusan, or practice instruction, that you take advantage of the senior students.

[06:12]

It'd be good for them and good for you. So, But it feels good to just come in and I will be working in my office. I like that computer rather than my laptop. I swore I would never have a computer. But I have two. Sometimes they give me a lot of trouble. Anyway, but I'm so bad at that. I am so bad. Anyway, so anyway, I do have good help and so forth. So that's where I am. And I have to say that it's really nice, though, to not have that scheduled time.

[07:24]

And to feel really free, like yesterday, I was in our backyard with a cat. The cat and the dog, you know, they really are antagonistic to each other, but they tolerate each other in the house. Outside, it's free for all. So when he's gone, my wife Liz took him for a walk, and so the cat feels free to control the backyard. And she loves it when I'm out there with her. And we have this kind of communion that's really very sweet and precious. It's like we have a kind of intuitive understanding with each other. I know, I get this feeling, when I'm in the house, that the cat wants to come in. And I go to the door, and there she is, pawing. So we have this understanding.

[08:26]

It's really very sweet. It's mysterious, but it's understandable. understandable mystery because we don't talk much to each other, but we interact. And so she loves it when I go out there and work a little bit in the garden and so forth. And we just have this wonderful communion. I could just stay there all day with her without talking. We do Zazen basically together. Yeah, I like animals in the Zindo. Some people don't, and people have various reasons for not doing that. And we had a dog problem. I didn't see it as a problem, but many people did, so I have to go along with people's sensitivities. So, no dogs in the Zindo.

[09:31]

I'd love to bring my dog to the Zindo. But I won't do that. So I remember when Suzuki Roshi at Tassajara would give a talk, we had a lot of cats at Tassajara. And the cats would come in to Zendo and sit in his lap while he was talking. He was very, very sweet. So I think our relationship with animals is very important. When I go walking, I take the dog for a walk every night. Forever. I've done that. No matter what time it is. And we run into deer almost every night. The deer in the neighborhood is overrun with, I mean, the neighborhood is overrun with deer at night. Just trot across the street, twos and threes. Sometimes alone. Anyway. So one of the things I wanted to talk about, you know, Suzuki Roshi's teaching basically was to let go of our ego.

[10:45]

If I was to sum up his teaching, I would say to let go of ego, to let go of self-centeredness. And if asked the question, what is Buddhism, he would say, I think, to let go of our ego and to live our life one moment at a time, thoroughly. So, to live our life one moment at a time, thoroughly, is always being, this is what's called the eternal present. the eternal present is to live our life one moment at a time, one moment after another, thoroughly, without imposing past and future. And I think about that a lot.

[11:48]

All of the aspects of Buddhism are contained right there. Samadhi, this is what we call Samadhi. Samadhi is being totally in the present moment to moment, the renewal of the present moment after moment. This is called pure activity because it's not mixed. Although past and future are contained in the present moment, we don't think of it as past and future. And when we say eternal, it's not mystical. It's simply the way things are. So we have two aspects to our nature.

[12:51]

One is the temporal life, which is what we are totally, mostly involved with. And then there's the eternal life, which gives us some kind of a problem, because it's hard for us to touch that. So our momentary life is an expression of eternal life. Past and present, past and future, past, present, and future, but past and future are contained within the momentary eternal life. So, past is memory, although we have the relics of the past that remind us of it. Future is just an idea.

[13:54]

If you think about it, future is just an idea. You cannot grasp the future. You can think about the future. We're thinking about the future all the time, which is important. We need to do that. So our momentary life is an expression of eternal life. Eternal life is expressed as momentary life. all activities are an expression because that's the way eternal life expresses itself as momentary So, as we know, everything exists just momentarily.

[15:05]

Even though we're all sitting here and it looks like we're all permanent, we're not. We're not permanent at all. We're all totally changing. Everything is changing momentarily. Life is continuously changing. So, how we exist in eternal life, which is our true life, true expression, is to sit zazen. In zazen, we let go of dualistic life. And also, in our daily activity, we can also allow that to be expressed.

[16:16]

For instance, when we walk into a room that is full of activity, various activities, Sometimes we walk into the room and don't have anything in our mind. When we don't have anything in our mind, any thoughts or agenda, we can totally harmonize with what's going on in the room. When we walk into the Zendo, because the Zendo is set up to do this, we let go of the agenda we have. Even though we may not, even though we may have the agenda, we don't express it. we conform to the ambiance of the room, which is to not say anything, to not express our ideas, but simply walk in and sit on the cushion and let go of everything.

[17:29]

What makes it difficult for us is when we don't let go of everything. But our purpose is to let go of everything. to let go of our agenda. And then we become all the same, even though we're all different. But we all have the same ambiance. So that, you know, when we come to Zazen, we pretty much wear the same kind of clothing, dark clothing, which, You know, often we think of self-expression as being very important, which it is, but when we enter the room, we have big self-expression instead of small self-expression. We allow ourselves to let eternal light

[18:38]

manifest as self-expression and not just our agenda or our idea. Our idea and our agenda, okay, that's okay, but it's small, small self. To let our big self be expressed all the time. This is called Samadhi. Samadhi is when we allow our big self to be expressed So, of course, big self expresses itself as small self. But when small self simply covers big self, that's called annoying. It is called annoying. So when we walk into the room with an agenda, we tend to want to express ourself.

[19:43]

But even though we may have an agenda, to hold back so that we feel the feeling in the room, not just the zendo, but wherever we are. We communicate or commune with the feeling in the room. And then when we express ourself, we express ourself having taken in the feeling of the room, the feeling of harmony in the room. So when we do that, we're always creating harmony instead of taking over. This is also an expression of samadhi. So, we talk a bit about samadhi in Buddhism, an Indian term, but it means allowing big self to fill the room instead of small self.

[20:57]

allowing a big self to be expressed. Because big self is always creating harmony. But our ego is always covering it. So I don't say we should get rid of ego. People say, you know, if you read the books, it says, get rid of ego because it's false self, right? It is. But ego has some meaning, some purpose. So, purpose of ego is I don't know what the purpose is. Maybe we don't, maybe we, you know, there's some reason why we have it, so it's meaningful.

[22:09]

But when ego, which is our built-up self, false self, is open to our bigger self. our eternal self, then it's not, it's become servant of big self rather than taking over. I always think of, you know, we have this seventh consciousness, seventh level of consciousness, which is our self-centeredness, our ego. So I always feel that we should offer when we I don't say become a Buddhist, I don't like that idea, but when we practice the dharma, we offer our ego up to the Buddha.

[23:18]

We lay ourself at the feet of the Buddha and say, please tell me what to do. And then, if you're sincere, the Buddha will tell you what to do. So, but we have this kind of vying for leadership. So, ego becomes a servant of Buddha, and Buddha expresses itself through the ego, then it's no longer called ego. It's no longer called ego. And so ego becomes absorbed into big mind. So it doesn't mean we should always be quiet, but it certainly helps.

[24:22]

So we have to live in this world of duality and split personality. Split personality is like eternal mind and temporary mind on the other side, and they're really just two aspects of the same thing. So, temporary mind, temporal mind, is always changing. But eternal mind is always the same. So, before we really immerse ourselves in eternal mind, we think it's boring. So, temporal mind is always changing, and so it's exciting. I remember Suzuki Roshi saying, we're all addicted to excitement, but when we start to practice, it's okay to be bored.

[25:37]

Actually, when we practice for some time, and really immerse ourselves in a big mind, which is eternal mind, basically, at some point we realize that this is the most wonderful thing. And so we become attached to eternal mind. So we have to be careful that we don't do that. You know, I remember when we started practicing at Sokoji, some people liked to sit in, when we do kin-hen, they would stay sitting. You know, like, I'm just going to stay here forever, right? And Suzuki Roshi would never let people do that. He always said, when we get up to kinhen, everybody gets up. You don't do your own thing while everybody else is doing the same thing.

[26:46]

So this is how he taught us about not getting stuck in zazen, and not getting stuck in excitement, to not get stuck either way. When we're involved in some wonderful, exciting activity, enjoy it, but you can't stay there. You have to do what's next. That's our life. We always have to do what's next, no matter what our plans are. We always have to do what's next. So you may plan on living for a long time, but you have to do what's next. So, and you can't stay sitting in Zazen because you have to do what's next. So this is our life.

[27:50]

Our life is we have to do what's next. And what's next is the changing transiency of activity within the eternal quality of our life. So it's not one thing or the other. It's when we realize the eternal quality of the transient activity and the transient activity of the eternal life, that's called realization or enlightenment. That's what I've been thinking about.

[28:50]

Do you have any questions? Charles. Yes. The turkeys are down by the bar. There's a whole herd of turkeys. I'm trying to remember the name of that street. Well, they're all over. We have to choose sometimes. So choosing

[29:52]

Is it good to choose based on a certain direction? Yes. So, you know, choice, it depends on what your choice is based on. If your choice is based on on self-centeredness or ego, that's called delusion. If your choice is based on way-seeking mind or practice or big mind, that's called enlightened activity. So we don't choose on the basis of our, I mean, we do, but, you know, we create karma.

[31:05]

So choice, you know, some people say there's no free will. And other people say there is free will. I say there's both. You know, whenever you're stuck on one side, you know that that's a problem. Because whatever side you take in choice, The other side is also there. So you have to include both sides. But choosing your choice, your so-called free will, should be based on big mind and not on small mind or selfishness, basically. So, unselfish mind.

[32:10]

So, choice is discrimination. So, discrimination is fine, but if our discrimination is based on self-centeredness or selfishness, then that leads to karma. It's karma. It's karmic activity. When our choice is based on reality or truth or dharma, then it doesn't create karma. it doesn't create harmful karma because the whole reason for practice is to avoid suffering. So choice based on error leads to suffering.

[33:21]

Choice based on dharma leads to freedom. It's pretty simple. Peter. Peter had it. Well, that's a good idea. Based on what's next or based on, yes, because... There's a story that says about Master Rinzai. Master Rinzai said, I control the world. And someone asked him, what do you mean you control the world? He said, how do you do that? He said, everything that happens, I totally accept.

[34:26]

Sue? Thank you. It occurred to me yesterday that I don't understand the road chant, and I didn't realize that. Oh. Far beyond form and emptiness. Yeah, it means, yes. So form is one thing, emptiness is another. That's the whole idea. That's the whole dharma right there. Form and emptiness. He doesn't use the word emptiness. Yeah. It's a bit of what? No, far beyond. it means the reconciliation of the two.

[35:39]

So that's not dualistic. Nevertheless, when I asked Suzuki Roshi about the meaning of it, he pointed to his heart and he said, love. I said, what does that mean? What is the meaning? Because nobody had rocks at that time. I said, what does that mean, that chant that we do in the morning? It's all in Japanese, of course. And he said, love. But Miriam had, Mira. No, I was just going to ask you if you're going to be doing talks anymore. What? You're stepping back from your responsibilities. For the people, for a time. For a time, maybe six months. I will, once a month. Instead of twice. But I never did give them twice. Sometimes, yeah.

[36:41]

How similar are small self and agenda? Say that, agenda? Agenda. How similar? Like when you walk into a room with small self and if small self takes over big self versus like having an agenda. Well, it's a matter of being careful. It's a matter of respect. It's really about respect. Respecting everyone's state of mind. You walk into a room and you immediately respect everybody's state of mind, even if you don't like it. But you acknowledge everybody that's there. And then when the opportunity arises, and you're always aware of, you're open to the opportunity, meaning timing, and whether it's your turn or not, then you express yourself.

[37:50]

And so you are also accepted, and you're not bumping into, you know, taking over. I just was, in my mind, titles of your memoir. One was a Taxi Driver's Guide to Zen. Another one was Dogs, Rocks, and Recorders. That was catchy, you know? Yeah, I know. And then, colon, a memoir. Yes, I thought of some of those myself. I really resonated with when you were talking about saying, oh, I don't know if I want to write another book on Zen. We already have enough. Yeah. And I am a creative person.

[38:54]

I have a desire to create visual art and writing But I also feel like we have so much in this world. I was wondering how you came to the reconciliation of thinking we already have enough books on Zen and then deciding, oh well. Yeah, that's it. That was it. Oh well. Oh well. It's not needed, but since I was asked to do it, I'm accommodating myself. I find that you don't grow old in a straight downward slide. You grow kind of level for a while. There's stages, stages.

[39:58]

I'm wondering if that's what's going on with you, that you sort of suddenly, or you come to the understanding that you're reaching a different... Yes, as I was saying to somebody today, between 70 and 80, I think that's the transition. And for me, up till 80, it was all the same. But between 80 and 90, more of a transition, especially the closer you get to 90. I talked to Blanche Hartman. She said, 89 is not 87. Yes, I remember that. Yeah. And I think that's true. Nevertheless, if you take care of yourself, I mean, you know, and have good genes, and so forth, of course, you could drop dead at any moment.

[41:13]

That's acknowledged, but you could last a long time. So, I'm not going to predict anything. I used to predict that I was going to be 120, but I gave that up. I remember I was hitchhiking when I was a kid and a guy picked me up and he asked me, I was about 15. He said, you're 15? He said, you're going to live a long life. So I took that as a prediction, but nobody knows. And so you should always be ready. So how do you be ready? If you live momentarily, if you live in that big mind moment all the time, you're ready.

[42:16]

That's what I think. I don't think, how am I going to feel? I'm just ready because that's all I can do. And the more I worry, the closer you get. That's my feeling. The more you worry about it, the closer you get to it. Nothing to worry about. Really. So somebody asked me, what was my death poem? I said, gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. No regrets. Even though there's a lot to feel regretful about. Since we're talking about it, I wonder what has lived What has lived? That's a good question. Life itself. How was that?

[43:18]

How is it? I forgot how it was. Yes, how is it? So I'm happy with my life, even though there are a lot of things that You know, I could do better for other people. I do well for myself, I have to say. I've always felt that I just need a charmed life. But when I hurt other people, I regret that.

[43:58]

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