My talk today is going to be broadly on the subject of failure. And we'll see where this goes. It's a line from Bob Dylan's song that comes to mind, Love Minus Zero Slash No Limit, where he says, she knows there's no success like failure, and that failure is no success at all. And I think that sort of in line with that is kind of the reality that everything fails, and also that nothing will save you.

[01:01]

No success like failure, and if failure is no success at all, nothing will save you, which has its own ambiguity, right? You could say, You could say, a thing will not save you, but nothing will save you. Depends on what you consider nothing to be. And then I suppose it depends on what you consider saved to be, and then what you consider you to be. And then will, right? But anyway, I thought I would start off with a song. And this is a song about the nature of mind, which I think is directly relevant to the subject at hand.

[02:08]

So maestro, if you will, hand me the musical instrument. I'm actually lefty, but I play it righty. Yeah, yeah. So this is a song. This is a song that was written by a guy named Butch Hancock, who's a Texas songwriter. He grew up with this other Texas singer-songwriter friend of mine, Jimmy Dale Gilmore, and they are two-thirds with Joe Ely of a a kind of affiliation rather than a band called the Flatlanders. They all come from Lubbock, Texas. And they were, like many of us in this room of a certain age, grew up with the same literature and the same music

[03:15]

and the same drugs, and the same kind of very eclectic searching mind. So I don't know Butch, but Jimmy Dale is a practicing Buddhist. And I learned this from the singing of Jimmy Dale. So you have the chorus, right? Sing the chorus. My mind's got a mind of its own. It takes me out walking when I'd rather stay at home. It takes me out to parties when I'd rather be alone.

[04:19]

Yes, my mind's got a mind of its own. I've been doing things I thought I'd never do. I've been getting into trouble without really meaning to. I'd have soon settled down, but I'm right back up again. I feel just like a leaf out in the wind, because my mind's got a mind of its own. Takes me out walking when I'd rather stay at home. Takes me out to parties when I'd rather be alone. My mind's got a mind of its own. I seem to forget half the things I start. I try to build a house, then I tear the place apart.

[05:23]

I freeze myself on fire and I burn myself on ice I can't count to one without counting twice Because my mind's got a mind of its own It takes me out to parties when I'd rather stay at home. It takes me out to parties when I'd rather be alone. My mind's got a mind of its own. I tell myself to do the things I should. Then I get to thinking those things ain't any good. I tell myself the truth, but I'm lying like a snake. You can't walk on water at the bottom of the lake.

[06:24]

Well, my mind's got a mind of its own. Takes me out walking when I'd rather stay at home. Takes me out to parties when I'd rather be alone. Yes, my mind's got a mind of its own. Oh, my mind's got a mind of its own. To consider failure, first of all, there's my own sense of failure. And then there's also the question of the failure of our society and the so-called civilization that we have created.

[07:30]

In each case, I think there's an interesting question to ask, which is, how do we maintain our practice? How do we maintain our commitment? How do we maintain our effort in the face of continuous loss? So the reality is that everything will fail. Our bodies will fail. Our minds will fail. Our presidents will fail, and so forth. How do we practice with that? So, you know, in my heart of hearts, often I think of myself as a failure.

[08:40]

And I know I'm not alone in this self perception, whether it's accurate or not. And it persists quite, independent of any so-called accomplishments or actual satisfactions that I might have in life. There are a lot of these. Although in some dark moments, they really don't count for much. I imagine there are others of you in this room who know what I'm talking about. So I can't really say whether this sense of failure is, what can I say, a perception of an existential or cosmic reality.

[09:46]

It also, I think it's sort of simultaneously a very, a deep psychological imprint or a psychological wound that relates to family roots and patterns, I really can't say. I think that these two sources are sort of inseparably entwined. And it brings me back to some lines of Dogen that I often return to. So I'm looking around. I think almost everybody here in this room knows who I'm referring to when I say Dogen. I'm talking about Zen Master Dogen, our 13th century Soto Zen teacher who's watching over my left shoulder.

[10:51]

and whose teachings were really embodied and brought forward in our Zen tradition and through Suzuki Roshi and through Sochi Roshi to all of us. Anyway, in this key writing of Dogen's Genjo Koan, which we study somewhat incessantly, There's these lines where he says, when Dharma does not fill your whole body and mind, in other words, when you don't really see things as it is, when you're not really awake, when Dharma does not fill your whole body and mind, you think it is already sufficient. You think you've got enough, you've got enough understanding, you're awake enough. And then, this part is really powerful to me, he says, when Dharma fills your body and mind, you understand that something is missing.

[12:02]

You understand that there is an incompleteness, you understand that whatever you see as intact or whole will not, will not remain that way, that there's always something missing. And there's various, one can look at that in different ways. There's various things missing. You know, what I think what's fundamentally missing is a, a sense of permanence, you know, that this building that we're in is permanent, that my life is permanent, that this thing I'm thinking or feeling is permanent, and we recognize through our practice that it's impermanent, it's in motion all the time.

[13:17]

You could also say in a larger sense that everything is always, every activity, every yearning, every ideal is incomplete. One of my teachers over the last 25 years, I've been close to a sort of Thai social activist, social philosopher, Ajahn, which means teacher, Sulat Sivaraksa. And some years ago, he pointed out that we can see many of our teachers as failures. One can see that the Dalai Lama despite decades of efforts, has made very little progress in winning independence or sustainability for the Tibetan people that he loves and represents.

[14:40]

Martin Luther King did not end racism in this country, as we well know. Thich Nhat Hanh did not succeed or has not succeeded in freeing the Vietnamese people from the yoke of bureaucratic communism. And on and on. Our teachers and our heroes, in the short run, their actions are marked by failure, which is not to rule out success as well, but they have to live with those failures. They have to live with falling short. And yet in the long run, their patience and their persistence and the continuity of their

[15:52]

practice, irrespective of their, of particular successes, that continues to inspire us and helps us change. There's another, Another expression of Dogen Zenji that Suzuki Roshi commented on. Dogen said, hitting the mark is a result of 99 failures. The last arrow hits the mark, but only after 99. So Suzuki Roshi said, the last failure hits the mark, but only after 99 failures. So failure is actually OK. which is encouraging. Although it doesn't always work out that way, you know.

[17:00]

And the thing is, we may not know. This gets into this wonderful realm of not knowing. We may not know what hit the mark means or looks like. And, you know, we may not hit the mark The mark may not say, we are not doing anything. The mark may not be hit until after we've left the stage. We don't know. So I think that, in a way, our training for this is is Zazen itself, or at least my practice of it, which is exemplified by the song that I sang. My mind has a mind of its own.

[18:02]

I mean, I sit down with an intention, and that's all very nice. I tend to sit upright and follow my breath, inhaling and exhaling, and everything goes well for a few minutes. I must say that when I sit down, almost every time I sit down now, these daily worries and cares, they subside. You know, and then I noticed that I find myself thinking about the absence of these worries and cares. Yeah. And I think, um, where did they go?

[19:04]

And then I think, when are they going to come back? You know, in some sense, uh, you could say they're, they're my friends. you know, but maybe I missed them, I don't know. So, you know, as I got, I realized, okay, I'd forgotten about my breath and my noble upright posture has fallen into a slump. I really just, when was it? I think it was a period before breakfast. You know, it's just like I kept going to sleep, you know, and then waking up and think, oh, waking up, that's good. And then going to sleep again and again. So this is another expression that's described to Dogen.

[20:10]

Life is one continuous mistake. But actually the quotation itself is a mistake because it seems he never said that. But he said something like it. He said, there's the principle of the way that we must make one mistake after another. So that's encouraging. And it's encouraging to see that Zazen is beyond any kind of petty evaluation that we may make. So when Dogen says, when Dharma fills your body and mind, you understand that something is missing. It may not be necessary, but I like to think about the completion of that expression, at least for me, is to say, you realize that something is missing, and that's just fine.

[21:25]

This is not knowing as well. not knowing sometimes what's missing or why it's missing. And this failure to know is also what Suzuki Roshi spoke of as beginner's mind. It contains many possibilities. And one can think in that respect, one can think of failure, if you will, as an open doorway, as a gate to other possibilities. Suzuki Roshi talks about the nature of our practice and our training.

[22:31]

He says, that everything is included within your mind is the essence of mind. So everything that's included within your Zazen, which includes the intention that we raise when we sit down, it includes the drifting away or failure to keep that intention. It includes the returning, It includes every seemingly extraneous thought and sensation without being caught on any of them. Uh, anything that arises and that we come to be aware of is actually Zazen rather than a distraction from Zazen.

[23:36]

So one includes that perception, includes that moment and noticing it. Then I returned to my breath and posture. Uh, So this is zazen also as mindfulness. Being mindful of the states that arise and being mindful also of my intention and returning. So this word, in Pali the word is sati that we translate as mindfulness. In Sanskrit it's something like smrti. And that really translates as, more literally, as remembering or recollecting. So I've talked about this before, remembering, putting all my members back together, collecting them all.

[24:49]

So part of the practice, I think, is The moment that I fail, if you will, or the moment that I fall away from what one might characterize as good meditation practice, I use that moment to help myself remember to return. And then I slip away in distraction again and again, and I return endlessly. It's returning. Returning is the, to me, is the fundamental act of Zazen. And so even one's failures and mistakes, one can really cherish them because they provide the opportunity to return. And because

[25:58]

that very activity of mind and body reminds me that I'm alive. And if I'm alive, then I have the opportunity to try again. So if I can include every mind moment and accept things as it is, then there's no way to fail at meditation. There's no judgment or evaluation that needs to be brought to bear. And of course, this is just one side, right? The other side reminds me that if I'm lazy and if I make no effort to return, If I allow myself to drift and go to sleep, dream, then I'm just a million miles away.

[27:08]

This has nothing to do with the constancy and effort of practice. So this failure, so-called, and this active return in zazen provides a teachable moment that can apply not just to meditation, but to countless aspects of life. So if one sees failure without judging, one can also see the kind of folly of trying to get somewhere. Practice itself is our life. When we practice for the sake of practice, then actually we're allowing the reality of change and impermanence to take its proper place, which means that we're aligning ourselves

[28:28]

with the true nature of things, aligning ourselves with big mind. And as we do that, whether we are so-called successful or so-called failures, is immaterial. When we align ourselves in that way, we have constantly an opportunity to learn. And also, Without any necessary intention, we are an example for other people. There are other kinds of failure.

[29:34]

One description I looked up talks about catastrophic failure, which is a physical rather than a mental event. Catastrophic failure is a sudden and total failure from which recovery is impossible. Catastrophic failures often lead to cascading systems failure. The term is most commonly used for structural failures but has often been extended to many other disciplines in which total and irrevocable loss occurs and destructive encounters one might have with doubt and failure. So this would be like the failure of a building or a bridge or a tunnel It's something that is subject to conditions beyond kind of its engineered capacities, and it fails. And so in this moment, in the midst of our own practice, our own meeting ourselves, we are also reckoning with

[30:50]

the potential failure of our planetary ecosystems. That failure is not a failure of engineering, but of human arrogance and folly and stupidity, greed, hate, delusion. When I was in Agupaya last month, I think, this environmentalist author Bill DeVries spoke, and I copied down something that he had said. He said, we know where we are in the universe through our understanding of natural history, of geological and biological, and in spite of our self-knowledge, we continue to destroy the universe of which we are part. You know, although we are, I think, although we are in this universe, in our perception, we often make a fundamental mistake.

[32:06]

We think that the universe is directly organized for our benefit. And we can use it however we want. And when it starts, then when it starts to appear this is not the case, which it does, then we try to make it so. And what this looks like to me is like really trying to ram the square peg of self into the round hole of reality. In this, inevitably, we will and are failing. But the blessing of failure for me is, allows me to take a long view.

[33:15]

The long view, of course, you know, in the long view, whether I succeed or fail in any particular aspiration, in the long view, I'll be dead. I don't know about the rest of you. But also in the long view, I can't help but care about the world and the people who come after me. And I don't know what their lives are going to be like. I don't know what the lives of my children or grandchildren or any of ours are going to be like, but I feel some responsibility to that. I can't say whether that will fail or succeed, but I think that The teaching that we get from our practice is to do something in the spirit of the unfolding of practice.

[34:29]

And I think in terms of the planet, it's like to do something in terms of the unfolding of life. And I don't know what else there is to do. So I appreciate any accomplishments or successes that we may have as individuals or as a species. And I really try to learn learn the lessons of this failure. There's, there's teachings in it. If I don't reject it and to use those teachings and return again and again, even if there's 99,000 failures within that there, it's not so cut and dry.

[35:38]

Some things always hit the mark. To my own mind, this mysterious practice hits the mark. And I'm quite convinced that I, since I value life, whether that's appropriate or not, I'm also quite convinced that I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for this practice. And so because this practice is conducive of life, I wish to share it. We're sharing it, and I don't think I'm alone. This is really preaching to the choir, I think. But it's encouraging you to go out and share it as you can.

[36:44]

to do your best, to make mistakes, and to believe in just one continuous mistake. That's our practice. And to rejoice in that, to actually enjoy it. It's like, not so serious, enjoy it. So I think that's where I will stop and leave time for thoughts or questions. Yeah, go. and a feeling that there's something fundamentally wrong with you.

[38:03]

Yeah, well I think that the feeling that there's something fundamentally wrong with one is exactly what the Buddha was talking about from the beginning. That's the nature of suffering. That's exactly what Dogen is saying. When Dharma fills your body and mind, you realize that something is incomplete. It's not like you worry that it might be incomplete. You know it's incomplete. Whether that's wrong is a value judgment. So wrong is wrong. It's the wrong perspective to say something's wrong. But to realize that it's incomplete, and I think that The advantage that we have, the disadvantage, the advantage we have is having a conscious mind that can reflect upon itself. The disadvantage is that's the mind that thinks that there's something missing. And that interprets the something missing as something wrong.

[39:08]

So that's the thing that Dukkha, is the feeling that there's something wrong. And this is the fundamental, there's a distinction in, certainly in the early Buddhist view, which the three marks of existence we talk about, right? So impermanence, non-self, and dukkha. that things are impermanent, that there's no core self that one can point to, and that everything is marked by suffering which is contingent upon impermanence and non-self. You following me? In quite a number of the Mahayana teachings, The third mark is, rather than dukkha, the third mark is impermanence, non-self, and nirvana.

[40:12]

And to me, the shift is, what is my attitude about impermanence and non-self? If I don't like it, if it scares me, if I have aversion to it, then I'm going to think something's wrong and I'm going to suffer. If, as I was saying in my frame of the Dogen quote, you realize that something is missing and that's just fine, then you've flipped it. And you say, well, impermanence, yes, that's OK. That's the way things are. And if you really think about that, how would it be if they weren't impermanent? That could be a bigger problem. So, yeah, I think that sense that something is wrong, I think we all have that existentially, but that's exactly the tools that we're being given by the Dharma, is to be able to reflect on that and step away from it each time it arises, which is, you know, it arises a lot.

[41:35]

It caught my mind when you said, what happens after we've left the stage? Because it seems to me that it's the leaving of the stage that allows reality to form. If we're not inputting, computing, or whatever, forcing it to be something, we leave the stage. And we have an opportunity to interact with it. I know that's not what you were saying when you said that, but... When we leave the stage, something is missing. That is to say, we allow the effect to be. We're making space for what happens next and who comes after us. Yeah. We just are. It's not even a matter of intention. It's just like that's the nature of reality. Yeah. Mary? Someone told me at a time in my life when I was quite

[42:42]

smoking cigarettes are those people who have quit the most number of times. Well, that's right. I'm here to tell you that that's correct. And a corollary of that is something that I often tell clients, which is that a plane that is headed from California to New York is actually pointing at New York 5% of the time. Right. The rest is course correct. Well, this is, this was, This was actually Robert Akinroshi's description of Zazen. You know, that we think Zazen, you're supposed to be right on the mark. He said, no, it's kind of like an autopilot on a plane. You know, it's like you veer off this way. You come back, give yourself a little to the other side. And actually, hitting the mark is a matter of averages, not a matter of precision.

[43:49]

Right. Yeah, so that's very encouraging, I think. Miriam? That quote that you said, when dharma kills your body and mind, that you realize something is missing. Well, I think he was, he was making a point, he was giving a teaching and I think that probably his teaching was, I suspect that the purpose was to be a correction to the kind of practice that that said you can get it, it's like you can lock on the target and accomplish it. I think when he says that something is missing, I really do think that he feels that's what we have to understand.

[44:56]

If we can understand and accept that our life, that there are things that are incomplete in our life, then then nothing's missing. But I think that's why I like this quotation is because it messes with my thinking, you know. So... Well, to me, if Dharma fills your body and mind, that means you're totally in sync with the Dharma. And that, to me, would be the fulfillment of my life. I think what he's saying is that nobody stays there. I think that nobody lives exactly in that place. You realize, and that's partly what's missing, is you cannot make that state of mind a permanent one. But that's our aspiration.

[45:58]

Our aspiration is to live in accord with the Dharma, and he's there, what he's doing in Genjo-kuon, I think in Gendokon in particular, but a lot of his teachings, he's saying there's multiple angles from which to look at reality. And we should look at it from as many different angles as we can. And that inquiry itself is the life of the Dharma. That's my sense of it. But as you think about it more, let's talk about it. Yes, Sue? I can stop now, I've got it.

[47:20]

Right. Then you're separating practice and enlightenment. I think that's right. Yes, I just sort of accept that. Maybe one more and then we have to end soon. Can you say something about this talk and our upcoming practice period? Thank you so much. We have a practice period beginning on the 29th of this month. The sign-up for the practice period, the sign-up for the opening session, the sign-up for Sojin Roshi's class are all on the bulletin board out there. And our shuso is going to be Mary Durye. Shunkyo joso? Honkyo joso. Joso. And what does that mean? Original home, stable center.

[48:23]

Well, that's pretty good. So she's going to bring stability to our home and to her own. And so this is an opportunity for people to make a commitment to the practice and study together. So Sojin's class, he wanted to get something, he didn't get a fuller description out, but his class is gonna be on kind of the background of the Bodhisattva, of the precepts. And then I think he wants to do, he wants to do something that's creative, which is like for us to create our own precepts, each one of us. you know, what are working from this tradition and seeing with some historical background on how the precepts evolved in the Buddhist traditions to actually for us create ones that work for our own lives that are not necessarily rules but just ways that we wish to live and we'll have an opportunity to share that with each other.

[49:37]

I'm very curious to see how that how that unfolds. I think it's really interesting. So please do sign up. The Bulletin Board has got the sign-ups and I'll be around and Mary will be around after this talk and be happy to talk to you about it. So thank you. So have a good day.

[49:57]

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