Good morning. Today, on the second day of Seshin, I'm thinking about the Heart Sutra and my role during the practice period has been to talk about the Heart Sutra in everyday life while Sojin has been talking about the more intellectual aspect. So we've been talking a lot about form and emptiness and I've often used zazen as an example of practicing with emptiness and daily life outside the zendo as practicing with forms. However, in emptiness are all the forms and all the forms have emptiness as their most intrinsic characteristic. So the question that has always concerned me the most is how does one practice prajnaparamita? What does it mean to practice Prajnaparamita? I always imagine that back in Shariputra's time, that Gautama Buddha's time, that the monks had mostly free time.

[01:09]

But they meditated a lot, and they walked through the towns and villages with their bowls, receiving offerings of food, and listened to each other expound the Dharma. And here in Sashin, we're practicing a bit like monks, just for five days. In Zazen, we practice not thinking. We're letting go of the discriminating habit of mind, which puts our experiences into words. And with each breath, we let go and sit in emptiness. So I've asked this question to Sojan a number of times, what does it mean to practice prajnaparamita? So once he answered, living in non-duality. And then I asked him, well, how does one live in non-duality? And he answered, don't be selfish. So I've tried to examine myself and look at my own selfishness, my own self-centeredness

[02:17]

And I've noticed it show up in Zazen when I hear myself tell my own story over and over again. And in Sashin, I notice my thinking habit. And often my thinking habit is a preoccupation with myself. Sometimes I find myself disliking what someone else is doing during Sashin. Maybe someone near me is moving too much Breathing too loud. Sometimes my own thoughts are so loud, like a noisy kitchen and I can barely find my own breath. And then I find someone else's breath as loud as my thoughts. And then I blame them for why I don't have any tranquility. And isn't that why I came to Sishin, for tranquility? And as I repeat my complaint over and over to myself, I wish for things to be different.

[03:22]

So I often find myself agitated and looking for an outside cause or a person to blame for that. Someone's breathing, the noise on Russell Street, dogs barking. And I would find myself telling a story and I would find myself repeating a kind of complaining in which I would find myself saying over and over again, I could have this, this thing I want, this peace of mind if it weren't for other people. Or enlightenment seemed to my small mind to be something to possess. And this desire to possess Whether it's a comfortable seat in a zendo, or the jobs that I might like best, or a special state of mind is a kind of selfishness. And in Sashin, we practice letting go of preferences and our personal wants.

[04:29]

I want to have silence. I want peace around me. I don't want somebody else's problem rubbing up against me. So I realized that for me selfishness is mostly about wanting to hold on to my own calm to be continually striving for and grasping for states that are more comfortable for me or that meet my idea of perfection. And I don't want to lose my temper or be angry As I started to write down what I was going to say in this talk, I found a sentence coming up in my mind. Sashin is a perfectly controlled environment for trying to get a grip on myself. And that word grip is a really strong word. But sometimes I think we come to Sashin hoping that the environment will

[05:39]

keep us in line, or help us control our minds. But Sashin is a wonderful opportunity to observe our grasping minds and our minds of aversion. One Australian teacher said, whenever I wanted anyone to be different, the room filled with sorrow and pain. So I think that practicing zazen is a way to give up self-centeredness. Every time we return to our breath, we're giving up grasping or aversion. Every time I stop complaining about someone else, trying to make myself right, trying to make myself better, in return to my breath, I'm giving up selfishness. While we say we practice stillness in zazen, there's movement.

[06:44]

And in our lives, we're moving and interacting. And we try to maintain stillness of mind in that movement. And when we return to our breath, even if it's for a moment, it's practicing prajnaparamita. It's abiding in non-duality for that moment. that moment of not clinging, of not rejecting something. But at the same time, this doesn't necessarily mean peacefulness. As most of you know, I manage a branch of San Francisco Public Library, and I supervise a staff of 10 to 14 people. Actually, it's 14 at the moment. And there's a particular employee that I have some difficulty with, And he's a clerk, and he's in his 40s, and he's very highly educated, and he's worked for the library for a long time.

[07:45]

So he's extremely bright and well-read, and he knows it. And he works part-time. And I asked him once why he worked only a part-time job, which requires minimal skills, and he said he didn't want to have to think about work. He wanted to think about more important things in life. He joked that he preferred to contemplate the meaning of life than to be required to spend a lot of time doing things which required a lot of mental energy. So the problem with him is that he doesn't like to work. When he chooses to work, he does an excellent job. But usually, he chooses to slack off. You know, search the internet, chat with other people with his arms folded out in front of him. And I get complaints from other staff about him. Not just about him not pulling his own weight, but about what they say is his attitude of superiority.

[08:53]

So after When the practice period first opened, started, and we had our one-day Sushin, and this was the first Sushin I had done in quite a while, so I found that my mind was very sharp following that one-day sitting, and my mind was less guarded by that stream of thoughts that I find often numb me to what's going on around me. It was the very beginning of the day and that first hour before the library opens is really crucial. You know, we have to get all the newspapers processed and the books sent out that are on reserve and there's a lot to do. And he was standing around with this coffee cup in his hand chatting about his camping trip and immediately I knew that this should not be happening. He needs to get to work.

[09:57]

I almost said, this is work time, get to work. But instead, I said nothing. I backed off. Something made me afraid, perhaps, or anxious, I don't know. But instead, I kind of looked down, grumbled to myself, and eventually, though not soon enough, he started working. And usually, when I supervise and I see someone doing something they shouldn't do, I find a place to have a nice, kind of polite and private conversation. But in this situation, I think it would have been better if I had just let go of the idea of the calm, patient supervisor and just said, get to work. I think I would have done him a favor, not to mention his co-workers and the public. I think of this as an example where I put my own comfort before the situation.

[10:59]

And in Shosan last week, Greta asked Sojon, what is my responsibility? And he answered, responding to this situation right in front of you. So, I thought of this when he gave that answer, as a time when I could have let go of myself and done something that was a little more uncomfortable, maybe not my style, but more appropriate. A number of years ago, I attended a lesbian Buddhist sangha that met on Tuesday nights. And some of the women in the sangha were vocal in their dislike for organized religion. And Zen is quite organized, so I found myself defending our forms from time to time. And the teacher of the Sangha was a long-time student of Ruth Dennison, and she wanted to blend a mostly vipassana-style Buddhist practice with women's spirituality, which is rooted in paganism.

[12:11]

So, one night the lesbian Buddhist Sangha made a field trip to San Francisco to hear a teacher named Reena Sarkar who is a Burmese Buddhist teacher and she has a meditation center in San Francisco and she's a professor at the California Institute of Integral Studies. So it was quite late when her Dharma talk was over and perhaps it was after 10 p.m. and there were five of us in the car And I was in the passenger side of the front seat, and there were three women in the back. And I had enjoyed this Dharma talk quite a bit, and I continued to contemplate it, and at the same time, I was quite tired and looking forward to getting home and going to bed. But I was very aware of one of the women in the back seat. She was a bit older, and she was in her 70s, and she had a deep, raspy voice.

[13:13]

And she had once given a talk about her life. And she had been a political activist from the early 60s. And she was very active in the anti-war movement when we were in Vietnam. And she was also a very early lesbian feminist activist. And I had a lot of respect for her courage, since it was very hard to be openly gay in the early 60s. I was also aware that she mistrusted Buddhism and any organized religion. So we're driving along, and suddenly I hear her take a deep breath. And I can hear years of tobacco smoke in her inhale. And as she let out her breath, she said, I don't know why these women are listening to some man called Buddha. We women have had our religion long before these men came along. So there was silence in the car. And I felt, I started to feel uncomfortable.

[14:16]

And I was hoping that she would be satisfied having asserted her opinion. And that I could go back to my peaceful memories of the Dharma talk. But a few minutes later, I hear that same raspy inhale And even louder, she spoke. I just don't get what these women see in this man Buddha. A few thousand years ago, most religions were matriarchal, and we did just fine. So there's more silence. And I'm getting more and more uncomfortable. I was uncomfortable with what seemed like an inevitable confrontation, and with a feeling that I would never be able to come up with an answer that would appease this woman, since she clearly had her own set ideas.

[15:18]

And I didn't like my mood being disturbed by what I saw as pestering. And I was uneasy at the same time with what I was aware was my own stinginess. I was insisting on standing off from her and rejecting her silently. And I wanted her to go away. But finally I decided, more for convenience than anything else, that I'd have a better time talking to this woman than avoiding her. So I told her that the reason I was drawn to Buddhism was that it answered the question of suffering. In the Four Noble Truths, Buddha explains that we all suffer. He explains the cause of suffering, that it can be ended, and that there's a path to ending it. And that was why I was a Buddhist. So that's what I told her. And then she said, Really? She asked me some questions about what I had told her and I found myself enjoying telling her why I found this practice so fulfilling year after year.

[16:24]

And then I told her I really didn't know much about goddess-centered religions. I wondered what drew her to that. So we talked about Buddhism and goddess religions for a while, and before I knew it, we had stopped in front of her house, and it was time for her to get out of the car. As she was getting out, she stopped and she asked me my name, and then she said, I'm really glad I met you. And I told her I was glad I met her, too. And I was. I really was. So in the book that we're reading for our Heart Sutra class, The Tiger's Cave, Abbott of Bora calls true nirvana the nirvana of exertion. He goes on to say that the Buddha holds nothing in his heart, that the Buddha has no definite form and is therefore the heart of all.

[17:36]

And he goes on to quote Zen Master Dogen, as having said, the Buddha is transforming himself in the 3,000 worlds and never withdraws. And then Abbot Oboro goes on to say, in all the spheres he manifests his form and brings reconciliation to the tortured hearts of all and never withdraws from them. In truth, the Buddha is not something at rest. So, does anyone have anything they'd like to say or ask Ellen? Isn't the Prajnaparamita Often it is.

[18:42]

Yes. Lauren? It seems like a couple times you've... Something about what you're bringing up seemed to have to do with how fast things can change. That's not exactly what you're saying, but that's kind of where I go with it. I guess... I don't know what my question is. It's like, well, how? You were saying with the older woman, it was just convenience in a certain way. It was just like you opted for saying something. Who knows why? I think if I hadn't been involved in my own stinginess I would have engaged with the woman initially. I think that would have been the appropriate thing to do.

[19:46]

That's why I enjoy that quote about nirvana of exertion. That it's not about sitting back and basking in our own calm. That engagement is often necessary. In that example, it was an accident. But I learned from it. Well, I think as it comes up in our lives what I try to do is notice when my own tendency to withdraw or to be stingy in that kind of emotional way. I try to notice when that comes up and hopefully be aware enough to choose a different way and to go forward rather than backward.

[20:54]

But I think it's a moment-to-moment effort. Colleen? Thanks for your story. that part of the charm of it is that she responds so positively, but she might not have. And that would have been probably okay too. And I'm wondering if you, it doesn't sound like it was strategic. It sounds like it was just your, coming from a more pure place than strategy. And maybe that's why she responded so positively, because it didn't feel, Well, I think I spoke from my own experience. I didn't try to lecture her. I just said, this is why I am drawn to this practice. So I didn't make her defensive. But I think in the other incident I mentioned with this employee,

[21:58]

It could have been more uncomfortable. And that's what I backed off of. And that's what I also regret. I guess, you know, what I hear in the two stories is the content of what you were talking about. One is the question of getting to work. The other is bringing the Dharma forth. Do you mean in the second story that I told?

[23:04]

Could be. Dean? Well, I felt like I was on the edge of my seat. Yeah, I do that. Oh, I do that, too. And there's a couple things. One is In the case with this woman, I spoke to someone recently about something that had been bugging me for a lot of months. And I realized that while you were talking that the reason I hadn't talked before is because I'm afraid of being inappropriate when I talk to someone. I'm afraid I'm going to be too rough, say something, and they're going to feel like I'm being mean, or I'm afraid I And I realized that I can move into a place where I just can say it.

[24:12]

It just takes that away. But the thing about the employee and knowing that there was an opportunity to say something, but with this being a work situation where this person not working has a much bigger effect than you talking to this woman in the car. I mean, not necessarily, but in your work life. How do you go from this irritation of the person who doesn't work to... How do you come to some resolve with that? You know, there's that this person's not working and it's causing this problem and... Well... First of all, there are things called performance evaluations. But of course, you don't want to just wait until performance evaluations.

[25:12]

It's not fair to do that. The truth is, I didn't go into a whole lot of detail, but we have had lots of private conversations. So it's not really that I don't deal with this and don't talk to him. But the truth is, I think often it's a good idea to deal with certain things in the moment. They're much more clear. And this particular person has such a high opinion of himself that he often does not agree with criticism. So, I think in this particular... Actually, in many cases, I think it's a good idea not to hesitate in the moment. How do you feel peaceful when you see this person? I didn't feel peaceful. I just thought it would be more peaceful than having a confrontation. And the truth is, I may have exaggerated in my mind what I believed the outcome to really be.

[26:13]

It might not have been an argument. And then I was a little conscious of the fact there were other people present. You know, did I want to say this criticism in public? You know, so... at least with this guy now? We have our ups and downs. You know, I've told him things he didn't want to hear. He doesn't agree with me. And then he comes back about three weeks later and tells me I'm right. So, you know, it's OK. But it's hard. I mean, it's been hard. It's one of my big challenges at work. Kathleen? I think what we're talking about in the face of that story is still communities. And what I'm hearing you say in your talk is that working with a part of ourself that feels kind of unbalanced or stuck or undeveloped, like you can have zeal or you can have patience and, you know,

[27:21]

sweetness and patience and avoidance of conflict, so you miss these great moments where you could be skillful. Too much aggression and zeal and, you know, get work, and then you alienate and move on, whatever. So, it sounds like what you're doing is tuning in, and when Laurie asked, so that we can reach for cultivating the balancing quality. Well, you know, Laurie did ask about, can you do it on the cushion? You said something like that. And the truth is that because this happened the day after Sashin, the cushion had a lot to do with it. My mind was much sharper. Very often I'm distracted or because of all the stuff going on up here, I'm a little less aware of what would be appropriate in an immediate situation.

[28:39]

Well, I wish I had. I mean, I hope I made that point, that I think it was a mistake that I didn't. Mary? I wonder if you would read again what you read at the end. At the very end? Well, Abbott O'Borough calls true nirvana the nirvana of exertion. And he goes on to say that as the Buddha holds nothing in his heart, the Buddha has no definite form and is therefore the heart of all. He goes on to quote Zen Master Dogen, the Buddha is transforming himself in the 3,000 worlds and never withdraws. Abhidharbha then says, in all the spheres he manifests his form and brings reconciliation to the tortured hearts of all and never withdraws from them. In truth, the Buddha is not something at rest. I just want to honor school.

[30:19]

Well I think Zazen is that space. Linda? Well, I think it's about engagement, not holding back. While the woman was going on with her kind of provocative complaint, I tried to ignore her, to disengage from her, and to hold on to my peace. I think that practicing Prajnaparamita is coming out of oneself, letting go of what one is holding on to. What is form and what is emptiness?

[32:33]

Well, they're both there. It's all both form and emptiness. You may not have thought it, but somehow that you didn't have, that the person who you were holding on to that needed to hold on to the peace, you saw that that person wasn't as important as you had thought. Wait, say that once more. Tomorrow.

[33:40]

Everywhere. Joe. The stories that you're talking about are wonderful. We are 8 and 10. Very talented, very smart. And there's a... And so, is there anything... I mean, you're not going to be able to comment on that with you, but, you know, how to work around that.

[34:58]

You know, it strikes me sort of in the same way, like, what's appropriate? What should I do? You know, still, you must help me through this stuff. Well, you know, I don't really have a good understanding of the specifics of your situation. But I've had to do some really, really difficult things in my job. One, for example, had to do with firing a 30-year employee. So, you know ... I really have sympathy for those kinds of difficulties, and I don't know what to say to yours. I just know that sometimes you have to make a really hard decision, Not just because of following the rules, but because it helps other people. And my situation obviously was different from yours, but there's so many factors to consider.

[35:59]

So I wish you the best with that. I never saw the new coin of being ethical and helping this person and letting them graduate with a B.A. and making life easier. I don't question that or I would just hold that in my heart because in my own experience, community has tried at times to make my life easier and what I have found is that a bigger help would have been if they had said no. And they wouldn't have had the support to work through what was not in their comfort zone.

[37:07]

Instead, our graduates to go on to something that they may not be able to handle is not a good thing, from my perspective. that this thing happened and you saw this person, and you said that you felt fear, perhaps anxiety, and therefore wonder, something to yourself, or anything to think of.

[38:16]

To me, the significance of what you said is the ability to feel that fear and that anxiety maybe surpasses you in having to confront or deal with that. Because what I really feel that you said about nothing like being there at the moment, Well, thank you. Do we have time for another question?

[39:49]

I just wondered, suppose someone is at Sashin and they're having a hard time with Sashin, what could you say to that person? If they're having trouble with Sashin? Their shoulder hurts, their knee hurts, they're tired. I think observing what is happening, whether it's pain, physical pain or exhaustion, and not trying to fight it, just sit with it, not try and reject it. I think usually if things are uncomfortable, we want to reject it, whatever it is. The games are numberless.

[40:51]

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