Three Stories About Love

Audio loading...

Welcome! You can log in or create an account to save favorites, edit keywords, transcripts, and more.

Auto-Generated Transcript

the morning
i'm pleased to welcome to my dharma sister as easy safe want ipcc person at a revision and reattached kids to talk this morning and andrea that many years of practice with our is he sees elder melee
scott they elder lee scott and ship
yeah practice hair and was ordained by searching several years ago and also studies with show how okamura eruption
she's been happy to see for a while and has helped
pretty much all most or all of the major positions here
match in her other aspects of her other live she is a physician most recently i guess some elders mostly and also a dog lover say let us hear what she has to say this one thank you
i'm thinking
to some beautiful spring morning
and a perfect morning to talk about love
today i'd like to give you three stories share with you three stories about what
we're greek distinguishes the sensuous eris from the spiritual a golfing english makes only makes do with only one word to describe the feeling of love
but in the buddhist language paulie like in sanskrit there are many words covering many different nuances are distinguished and distinguishing features of what love is the word chosen by the buddha for his teaching is mehta which is derived from meet tough meet have been to for
friend or more accurately the true friend in need
so this is the story about sanga practice and how we practice with each other in love
leslie brought up the topic of soccer practice two weeks ago
in the supine a suitor ananda went to the blessed one one to the buddha and arrive crowd down to him to one side and delighted said
two him blessed in what i understand song of practices half of the holy life
and the buddha said no no not that no don't say that
don't say that admirable friendship admirable companionship admirable camaraderie is actually the whole of the holy life when a monk has admirable people as friends companions and comrades he can be expected to develop and pursue the eightfold normal pair
and so these stories about love or about how we opened the style of jewel how we hold up this drama jewel and warm it in our hands how we polish each other not by removing the edges actually but like revealing
and shining shining a light on the completeness of who each episode is
the story number one
a month goes to the abiding teacher in the monastery to talk about the dharma jewel of song of practice
and she says actually it can all be encapsulated in just one sentence she says that sentences i want you to be your authentic self even if i don't like it
i want you to be your authentic self even if i don't like while i see
i want i want has spoken from big mind it spoken from the mind of non-attachment had spoken from our buddha mind i want is our bow what we want for each of us and what we want for ourselves as to be are genuine true just to we ourselves
if and only talk about saving all beings taking that valve that we just did in our bodies software ceremony it's really to support each other and coming to their true nature so i want is i vow to help you do that
the authentic the we know but it's interesting to look at the different nuances of what that word means authentic means genuine undistorted
i'm pretending
i'm simulated on fait unadulterated
twenty four karat pure just who you are i want you to be that
now even if i don't like it is is spoken from our personal self it spoken from the egoistic self is the self that creates opinions judgment it's the self the create separation i'm me i knew and there's
as and you're you and there's always bound to be some hierarchy in that
so we could almost say
don't like it or like if i should be yourself by like if we could almost say that because it's about preferences it matters to me exactly what you look like whether i like it or wonder i don't and that's not the purpose that's not a function of this damn
our usual way when we see something that were uncomfortable with and we don't like we we all know this or usual way is to think that the other person or a context as the problem only that person didn't wiggle so much and zaza i'd really be able to concentrate
only the window or open or if it were closed or there had been more juice today or the coffee had been less strong or the traffic move faster whatever it is then things would be all right if you only you would change or the situation will change that's
that's the context of
a preference of judgment of discernment of hierarchy
the way out of that predicament of course is to take turn around and trying to light on ourselves and come and see what's really going on
when a nanda as the buddha about how to live happily in the order the buddha said if one is virtuous oneself but does not blame others for lack of virtue if one watches oneself but not others if one does not worry about lack of fame and then has a strong v
meditation practice
then one can achieve the holy life so he says the first step fine one is not criticizing or watching others but only on turning yourself your practice to yourself
my first meditation retreat
the very first instruction i can really remember as receiving was a simple phrase of do your own practice i've certainly got a lot of mileage out of that whenever i'm in difficulty will never strong feelings come up for me the first question is what's going on here
i think in a way that's why ah
why gossip and slander are so insidious because immediately they take strong feelings and they have the potential to create ill will or separation was another but they distract us those thoughts distract us from coming back to our own work which is to see what's going on in so
side of ourselves
so ah
it well i want you to be yourself the and not so sure about and doing that when i don't like it the question is what's going on sometimes it's purely a habit to habit like when you want to pick up a cigarette for the sweet that you go to when you're under stress it's a habit with your own
own reaction to whatever the annoyances enough
or maybe a certain kind of story line that you go to that you easily go to when you're under distress i recently was talking with an elderly friend who had just was briefly ill with a bit of a stomach flu but she still was quite bothered by the fact that she had been ill and she said my husband
my my sons bring bringing these things home to me since he was a toddler
the woman and her eighties
it seems obvious but i think we all have those little kinds of stories that we tell each tell ourselves that we don't necessarily recognize
sometimes we don't like something is a
it's about something within our own selves that were uncomfortable with recently to close friends of mine who fit together for seventeen years separated and one of them had been really rolling beautifully her spiritual life had opened up she's grounded you know how p
people get big and full full of life and unafraid and grounded in a way that's very inspiring and her partner who loved her very much was frightened she was frightened by the the beauty and power of her partner and her sense of independence and connection with the wider world and she
not scared and had an affair
and the relationship fell apart she didn't really realize how scared she was
so sometimes when we don't are uncomfortable there's something deeper going on that we may not even recognize
and sometimes what we don't like or what were uncomfortable with has nothing to do with us
a senior teacher told me a story of having had a long time teaching relationship with the students that she felt very close to and at some point that student just stop seeing her and stop talking to her and there was clearly some kind of difficult energy that was there and the teacher had no idea what it has
and and even making a making attempts to have conversation failed and three years later the student came back and said it wasn't about you
sometimes those things happen people pull away or they seem different or ah
something happens and with
of course question did i do this or what happened here sometimes it's not even about us
so i want you to be your authentic self even if i don't like it i think this means that i'm committed to seeing myself i'm committed to surrender even the precious parts that might define me as standing out a special because giving them
em away they return more authentically untainted by needing some by needing some definition
and also i'm committed to seeing you
i'm committed to connecting with you because actually
actually doesn't feel so good being separate even for people that were in conflict with are we have some difficulty your disagreement or distance with it doesn't feel so good to be separate from them because the truth is we're not separate from any one and so even though that's why
hard to keep us a space a space of openness within yourself for connection really is what we all want none of us wants to have barriers are obstacles it costs us he cost us energy
and it deprives us of of something precious which is each other
now there are some things we just don't like my mother's liver was one of them now there are foods we don't live there kinds of art that we don't like their music that just aren't our our preferences the buddha said you know it's not our experienced isn't all just cause and condition
in somalia mali yes aka ceuta he outlines at least six different reasons besides the causes and conditions we normally think of karma that creates our experience things like forces of nature and weather but also personality types he actually mentioned
and so we all have our personality type and were drawn to some people not other some forms of arts on forms of activities and not others so there are affinities but affinities aren't really about liking or disliking affinities are
just about being drawn to or not being drawn to
all of the diversity in the world we need we need it not just because we need healthy ecosystems but were enriched by all the cultures all the languages all the plants all the animals every all the creations and were enrich
ich five each other we need each other even if someone so isn't exactly my cup of tea the fact that person is when he or she is and offers themself as they do that enriches my life
and so
can we wish every each other well and see the buddha on the enlightened nature you might say the bodhicitta or the way seeking mind and each person
at tassajara recently i was on a serving crew for a while and then serving proves their you serve with the same group of people
all three meals and our rotations he actually spent a lot of time with each other you get to know each other really well and there was one person on my serving crew who ah
always had to do just what she was doing he couldn't help her you know there wasn't this kind of given take couldn't help and she always saw what other people were doing wrong and i was very painful because i'm assuming cruises is really lovely harmony with everyone in this person's to
out as as being contracted and shut down and ah at one time she she chastised
she chastised me for doing something that i hadn't really done and i just saw her i just saw the sovereign i just saw the complexity i just saw what i couldn't know about this person whatever it was that that fuels this behavior i too
i have my own behaviors right and i have some understanding of them for having studied them but so i can see her and i just held the space of my girl no reaction just kind just a feeling of kindness although i didn't say anything they didn't do anything
and a couple of days later she came up and frankly i don't know what for exactly but the the point is just to have an open soft heart makes a difference we're so close with each other here we feel it when you say they're not how we are with each other is experienced by age
i find that holding seeing each of you as a beautiful gem
seeing existence in that way
creates a happiness a joyful mind a sympathetic joy a joy the joy of what's happening around that has nothing directly to do with the small andrea the the small person here
every console actually says that sympathetic joy unselfish joy a prerequisite for compassion and loving kindness it's a starting place by generating an appreciation and openness to each other we generate a heart of love and compassion that steeper
story number two
mountain seat ceremony at city center
and the abbess is about to be installed she's gone to all the altars around the the building and she comes into the buddha hall buddha hall you haven't been there is a big room and it's all the of all the senior teachers and senior law
tnx are seated on either side of a wide open space and there's a built up a mountain several steps up to a platform above on the rest of the sanga read the rest of the congregation and she climbed the mountain seat and received questions from people
lunch is likely do with the show signs ceremony if you live in gotcha with energy to ask her a closet shelf she answers it and they turn around and she says thank you
so the first person per jesus walks up and says to the abbess who's just returned after living out in the community and moran for some hairs has just returned to live at city center she says what's the most important thing about community residential practice
and the abbess says and a clear voice he kind
the you should turn back around and says congratulations
and then christina says always
be kind always
so what's the big deal about kindness right it's the foundation of what we do here the dalai lama says my religion is kindness we all believe that we want to become we are kind people
the buddha said there was nothing higher than kindness know quality that was even one sixteen the value of kindness
well i think it's helpful to look at the different meanings of kindness
one is to be a friend
what's it mean to be a friend
my dad was a terrific salesman and a good judge of people whenever he would meet someone he would shake their hand and call them the friend whenever he'd he'd finished a conversation with him he'd say the same to them and he wasn't just trying to make a sale and that wasn't what it was about
he grew up poor he grew up in the depression and his mother was the the neighborhood distinct my my grandmother was a was a godly person my dad had an understanding of the interdependence between pupil and he knew his livelihood was dependent upon them and he knew that he was the
there to serve them
friend he meant it and he was an optimist you saw the potential he saw the goodness in people
a friend is someone who has good will for an intimate
you look around the room hairs there any one here who's not your friend
or at least your dharma brother and sister your dorm of friend
last week when megan ah was ill when she recuperated she called me and said there's nothing like sanga there's no nothing better than song have to depend on it's like that
no matter what were there for each other what a friend years
the dalai lama said be kind whenever possible and it's always possible
now that may not seem so easy all the time
it toss a horror when were sometimes in conflict with someone and it's inevitable in the presence of sleep deprivation a lack of distractions and sensitivity that there will be some conflict and sometimes it's not even possible to have a cup of tea or take a walk but we bow to each other
we always vowed to each other we always bout the in white and nature to the inherent goodness in each other
we value each other to that and because we all know that we all want the same things piece ease and to live and awakened life of non harming
so this friendly also means amicable peaceable harmonious with hiroshi would save like milk and water the harmonized like milk and water
so friendliness is a recognition that we are connected this is the most basic of buddhist teachings there is no separate and abiding self our entire lives are moment to moment created by the flow of everything before and everything present
kind also means favorable
favourable means to cast and a positive light to align with
well intended well meaning
being kind name's always giving the benefit of the doubt
when we think so something is off when we feel stung by something we feel triggered to be willing to look again
to look at our own part to sit for a moment with our own reaction what's what's going on and me why was this why did this land like it did
but also curiosity
curiosity to know what wasn't happy what was going on with that person coming from a place of giving the benefit of the doubt
what was this so you might not be able to do that right away from time should have to get your balance again and spend some time with yourself what's going on with me what what got activated to be willing to hear the other person but with time taking a walk
having a cup of tea making the effort to reconnect human to you and is really important we don't know it's hard enough to know ourselves in it that's far enough to know the workings of your own mind let alone to understand what's going on with another person
so why do we need need to say be kind always what's that always really about it means that even when we don't feel connected we acknowledge that we are connected

it means
when we feel sometimes when we need to save the always it's because we feel heard harmed or missed and someone who sometimes we want to retaliate or react even if it just means by withdrawing or withholding it's like when your hand gets put in a flame
and so it is time what me step back for a minute but then let me take a look
the flame is hot but what are its components how did my hand get there what looks like a flame to me might actually be cool water to someone else can i take a moment back in to take a moment and think with the line that doesn't know
so the feeling of being somehow her excluded or missed calls of another definition of friendly for another dimension of friendly which is forgiven
friendly as forgiving means beyond it's beyond the curiosity but it's actually really born out of a sense of humility of a meal humility knowing the i fall short to
i don't know also
so there's the space to be able to forgive
it also comes out of an understanding of karma
karma not just the causes of conditions meaning everything
came together now this hits and this hit and up that happened okay became so now what do i do
but also in that we all live with our own karma i've told this story i can't remember if i've told it in here before but it's a favorite one for me a tibetan monk this is ah
taking some reporters and showing the palaces that have been raised by the chinese and and talking about what happened to the the the monks or nuns the atrocities committed and he begins to cry and the reporter goes to comfort him thinking that it's in the memory of the people
oh who have suffered the from the his comrades his friends in the monastery and the monks says oh no i'm crying for the chinese
the amount that they'll suffer for what they've done
so friendly means we understand that we share this with everyone we share the human predicament with everyone that we're all created our own karma
story number three because i'm gonna run out of com

ah the monk says for the shoes so
how can i mean an unkindness with kindness
she's so stops and says what do you do now
and this monk says i usually give back what i've been given
she says
why don't you keep it for a while
why don't i keep it for a while
sometimes your immediate responses the best but if there's a visceral charge behind it don't push the send button
what can i learn by what's come up with me oh who am i here in this

can i
take what's been given
and climb the mountain side leave the work practice climbed the mountain side stay up there until dark asking asking how do i find kindness in the midst of this
even if it means missing evening dinner and missing evenings azam
sitting sitting sitting how can i find who i want to be in this who is the person who wants to be in this can i stay connected with this other person can i know myself well enough
can i just keep this for a while
so i want you to be yourself even if i don't like it is an admonition not just for ourselves for our drama brothers and sisters but it's an admonition for ourselves for ourselves
it means can we take whatever comes up within ourselves and just accepted
can we hold it for a while can we hold it with tenderness and attention the same tenderness and attention you would
a crying child and say what's happening here i take you accept you you don't have to change
what is the truth self this is our call on its our question what do we keep what we give away or try to change com and call on is often translated as case
or duck governmental document of a certain value but it can also make to mean to make unevenness even
so cool with this ways to see our lives from the absolute the up to understand that what makes us different unique even from our difficulties as the very ground of the absolute on which we stand it's our very own buddha nature
so the true self is not some place selves it's not after we clean up the bad or polished the good it's it is not beyond good and bad it is good in that it is all of a live with with full acceptance and clear seeing what is clear seeing it is the
compassionate gaze that knows the habits polls about the vulnerabilities of human life and as not surprised abhorrent enraptured were caught but admits to at all with enough non nonsensical tenderness
ah this to this too is buddha
our life is as it is as perfect realization to quote muslim erosion
so i want you to be your authentic self means i take all of you like thin disliking without reactivity of wanting that part and not wanting this part
when i first heard this instruction this is what i wrote i realized that this is what our body sought bovell really is
but about all those to whom i have resistance and accepting the parts i didn't like or feel affinity for but then i realized of course the first obstructionists to me to be my true self even if i don't like it

category says compassion as the great and generous warm the heart that goes beyond the common notions of kindness i think it i think it arises spontaneously out of a deep empathy for what it means to be human to have the tale that gets stuck
the tail of the ox get stuck trying to jump through the window the part we want to hide or that we wish we'd go with way if we just practice long ago long enough
for this is the human prediction predicament that we all share and it's celebration of this human life unknowable mysterious and containing all potentiality
so that's what i have to say today
palms i don't know if anyone has any comments were if anything comes up for you
isn't she refusal exploration to kindness from out of your little to come problem
just about section and it's about cars for see some more about acknowledging connection with your cash
how's that possible
i think so
the very first
it's important to be friendly with yourself and so part of what comes up with the sent him being of your mind that feels unfriendly
and so to give that space and attention and recognize that that's also present
and to know that that sense of unfriendliness in a way as a delusion know it's a it's a creation that comes out of suffering and that the link the connection with the other as the thing to have those delusions in are suffering
as i say you might not be able to sit down or have a cup of tea or even be in the same room for a while but when you pass by you can connect through that place where both human and we both want the same thing

charlie or could you were say
the friday
to get away from his tail

come on i don't know if you purposely didn't say this but with these stories that you told was that you talking to the abbot and beginning and that is you're talking to you yes that's where they're asked yes yeah i could have said it was me it was some way to not make that a distraction than to make it more universal

so what song of practice like for you all do this have any resident residents with your experience
yes course
no none whatsoever
this this year i appreciate your exploration of
difficult that a so joyful side with a work site over practice hard work said
it is hard work and were a lot of very different people then noticed
as i say liver and picasso's and other other things among among us for each other the things that people that you might not choose to be with and spend time with otherwise but you have a deep connection with and so that kind of paradox some i feel
very close to people i don't feel close to in a certain way and how do we
how are we connect to be open to that and
it's very rich and the doorway is how do i know myself
thank you very much
seen it small
oh directly addressed by one set were
a great time be preventing your ideas visit about the larger world
and specifically our country
i find this
challenge facts
i was getting know the first time
lonely i was political
visions they had lifetime experience that when making those
and yet i was learning about the compassion and kindness they have manifested in her lives
were people a specific evil minded
which i
when you come close if i picked up this list this this has been correct
yeah it's in some ways it's very easy here because we know me share some basic values anyone who gets up and plugged in the morning to sit zazen and and does this practice has certain values that they adhere to the it's a language or a currency that we feel very comfortable
and exchange but what each just said has real meaning for me that the ability to deceive the generosity and kindness and these in the actions of these people and know that that's very inherent they are even though there are other fields
you don't connect with or that you feel in grave disagreement with the the question is to coming from a place of knowing where connected is there a possibility for conversation or just sharing of your own experience
change happens by example
i think
please in the first question that you asked him for story where you said on
you read me that was what the the line at the first story ah yeah what leslie james said to me as i want you to be your authentic self even if i don't like it
so i weren't with that if when she said even if i don't like it
was there in that the why she's where she requesting any change in her attitude or where she saying that that added to in that sense of not liking it was also something that was just accept it were could be accepted in with that's so real
really wonderful questions so i think
i think she would answer that saying it's
it's okay not to like it to to say no just no affinity here unless it's an impediment and less if it hinders the relationship or that hinders the flow of your well wishes in some way
so if you have a lot of if there's prejudice or opinionated news or some reserve in your in your whole hearted well wish for the person that's a problem but if you just say yeah you know liver don't don't don't like liver but
hey be the best living catholic
rossum i added time
well it's eleven ten much sure rather say reykjavik
yeah this time somebody i see point before you clunk if i could say i have one more word can nab who's been organizing and leading our mountains and rivers ashamed for tile tirelessly for fifteen years as asked me to plug the saga practice of mountains and river
just a shame for you on this beautiful spring two weekends from this if if you'd like to escape into point raise and the beauty there and practice with each other there's still time to sign up and chemicals available to to answer any questions after the program thank you
will be reduced