Is it safe? I'm not sure. Probably not. I'm very sensitive to certain noises, and you are too, aren't you? Don't you hate that one? Today is the second day of Sashin, and I'm experiencing a lot of physical pain, and perhaps you might be also, or some of you. So I wanted to talk about that a little bit. I'm experiencing a new pain that I haven't ever had before.

[01:10]

It's when I explore where it is. It's the left side, kind of lower back, hip around the hip, and I'm not exactly sure where it's radiating out from, but it gets very intense, and there's nothing I can do in terms of getting a position that works right in my regular cross-legged position. It seems to be quite strong when I take my regular, kind of everyday cross-legged position. So, you know, is there... These kinds of questions may be coming up. Am I doing something? Am I sitting in some way that's aggravating this? Shall I change my situation, get another cushion, lower the cushion,

[02:18]

not sit this kind of cross, put the other leg on top? And I notice that at times my mind begins to move very fast around, you know, maybe I should do something to alleviate this. So, you know, having sat a number of sessions, I trust that if I put my attention on this pain and really watch its comings and goings, when it does disappear altogether, when it does come back very strongly,

[03:20]

if I really honor it and stay with it, there will be some settling. Not necessarily that the pain will go away and everything, you know, and I'll feel physically sensationless or something like that, but there will be a settling of mind and body. Now, I know for many of you this is your first session. I think there's a big handful of people for whom this is your first session. And I remember for my first session when this... It was a different pain than this. This is a new, this is a fresh friend of pain. But the first several sessions I was very surprised that this level of pain kind of came with it, you know.

[04:24]

Came with the seven days. I mean, I thought somebody must be joking or something that this was part of what I had to deal with. And I remember feeling recoiling from the pain, recoiling. It's an interesting word. Kind of, instead of sort of uncoiling and opening to it, I was coiling up and drawing back and contracting. And also a kind of wild racing around in the mind, trying to do something, anything. What could I possibly do? And I did try lots of things. Enormous numbers of cushion variations and... Mostly cushion variations and moving the legs back different positions, which I think is fine to do to vary our leg postures

[05:27]

and to sit Seiza maybe, sit cross-legged in Seiza and try different things. But along with that was this racing of the mind, trying to get away from this and really kind of not believing that I had to do this. Now, of course, our usual response to pain is to avert from it, turn away from it, make it stop. And so this went against all my previous experiences to actually stay put with the pain and not move. And not so much not move physically and cross the leg or change posture, but the feeling of not moving in the mind, staying with it, whatever it is. And my mind was like a shambles.

[06:29]

It was very raggedy. You know what shambles means? A shambles is the place where animals are slaughtered. So you can imagine the kind of place that might be with wild cries and, you know, blood and just a very, very upsetting scene is shambles and kind of a scary scene too. So that's what my mind was like. It was like a shambles. And after trying every possible solution I could think of, and I remember my roommate, and I've told this story before, was trying things too. She basically seemed to think if she changed her hairdo that would help, you know, how she would be in the zando.

[07:31]

And I think it's true. To get washed up and wash face, hands, mouth, and feet, there is a kind of freshness that comes from that and allows you to feel kind of ready to enter again in a full way. But anyway, I think that trying her hairdo different ways, up and down and braided and pigtails, it didn't really help. But I knew what she was doing because I was doing my own version of that. I kept my hair the same way, but I was trying other things, mostly in my posture and cushions and fiddling and fidgeting and restlessness. And finally, I think around the third day, I gave up.

[08:34]

I just gave up trying to fight and just stayed with the sensations as they were arising. Just stay with the sensations as they were arising. And all my reactions against them and how it wasn't fair and what did I do to deserve this and all the other wild shambles, mind of shambles, thinking I just had to let it go and just stay with the sensation. Just bear attention to the sensations and the thoughts that were coming up. And this in itself didn't take the pain away, but it allowed me to just sit and explore, actually,

[09:43]

with a kind of freshness and almost a curiosity of what's going on, what is this mind-body. So, and that in itself was a settling, that wasn't just settling for the Sashin, but I think it was a deep settling for me that needed to happen. You know, what was revealed in the Sashin of my mind being in a shambles was just, you know, it wasn't that it just arose in Sashin, this was more, it was just more clear that this is how things were going along. This was, this is what my mind looked like if you were to take a snapshot of it. So the Sashin allowed me to really, there was nothing else, no other distractions, nothing else going on, to actually look

[10:49]

and stay with it. So if some of you are experiencing pain, and, you know, not everybody does for every Sashin, I think, you know, it changes. Some Sashins someone may have a lot of pain, and other Sashins, physical pain, other Sashins, they really, they're just fine, really physically, but maybe there's some other difficulties, emotional or mental pain is coming up. But this physical pain is very, very helpful in bringing our mind, and bringing our mind and body, gathering it up, gathering it up, and focusing, and looking at what's going on.

[11:51]

The physical really helps quite a bit, these physical sensations. So, you know, there are a number of helpful, very helpful things people have told me about pain, and one thing, besides this not moving, staying very, very still, not moving, meaning not moving the mind from what's going on, not moving the body from what's going on, not leaping off and away, so the not moving of the mind, and also staying with not moving the body, uncrossing or fidgeting, or trying to get away physically, trying to react and get away. But I want to say at the same time, and this is,

[12:52]

I don't want you to feel what I'm saying, means you have to sit through some pain that you may, where you may be hurting yourself. So you have to decide, you know, when it's time to switch your posture. The basic admonition is to sit still and don't move, but that doesn't mean that you hurt yourself and can never sit again, which has happened, you know, where people have some kind of pain like a sciatica pain and they don't pay attention to it. To sit still without moving when you should move, when you should be changing your posture, is not paying attention. So base it on what is actually going on for you rather than some formulaic idea of either moving or not moving. It's to be responding to what's going on for you. But often what's going on is

[13:58]

just fidgeting, avoiding restlessness, excitement, and trying to make things different because it's so painful, mentally and emotionally painful as well. The physical kind of brings up mental and emotional pain. So you have to decide for yourself what's going on. But our usual habitual way is a pain comes up, get away somehow, better move. And you have a chance to actually explore that. Is it, should I move? Is there some damage being done here? Or is this a kind of healthy sensation actually that's after when I get up I actually, my legs feel good, you know, my back feels good during qinyin or during the break. So I think this is, it can't be emphasized enough that

[14:58]

this isn't a kind of endurance test, competition with your neighbor, contest with yourself how long you sat without moving the last time, setting up these kinds of games or little contests for yourself. It's very careful attention to what's going on, what the sensations are, and staying with it. And staying with it means, not moving the mind means when you change your posture, you stay exactly with the changing of the posture and readjusting and taking your posture, your refreshed posture. That's also not moving. So this mind that's screaming and running around

[16:03]

and hoping the bell will ring, can you watch that mind too and get very familiar with that mind rather than having that mind dictate everything that's happening. I was recently reading this article from a book about health, women's health, and I hope I can describe this accurately, but the author was trying to describe some new or fairly new research that is being done about mind and body connection, and she's saying that we used to think that the impulses that went to the brain

[17:05]

traveled along nerves in a kind of linear fashion like electrical wiring where it went from nerve to nerve all the way up to the brain. And fairly new research shows that it doesn't work that way, but the information from the brain to the rest of the body and from the rest of the body to the brain go in a kind of direct way. They don't have a kind of like wiring that travel a certain path. And there are these messengers called neuropeptides which are secreted, I guess you could say, along with emotions and thinking. These neuropeptides get secreted and then there are neuropeptide receptors in all parts of the body,

[18:07]

in the endocrine system, in the nerve system, the hormonal system, the immune system, and the organs themselves have receptors like the kidneys and the heart and the uterus and all these different parts of the body have these receptors. So when these are secreted, these chemicals, neurochemicals, from thoughts and emotions, these messengers send them out and they're received all throughout the body. And not only that, all the parts of the body also can secrete these neuropeptides that go back to the brain. So it's the same exact chemicals that are secreted by different organs of the body that are the same as what the brain secretes. Now, I don't know if this sort of

[19:08]

fascinates you or anything, but when I read it, I had this image of all throughout the body, all throughout the body is alive with our thinking and emotional life. It's not just the brain that has this ability when we think and have emotions, but the kidneys are responding to our thinking and emotions. Maybe this is not new information to you, but it reminded me of the koan where Yuen Nien asks Da Wu about the Bodhisattva of Compassion, Kannon Bodhisattva, Avalokiteshvara, why so many hands and eyes? Avalokiteshvara sometimes is shown with a thousand hands

[20:11]

and all of those hands have eyes on them. And Da Wu said, it's like reaching or groping for a pillow in the middle of the night, reaching back for a pillow in the middle of the night. And Yuen Nien said, I understand. And Da Wu said, how do you understand? And he said, all over the body, hands and eyes. And Da Wu said, that's pretty good, but that's only 80%. So Yuen Nien said, what would you say? And Da Wu said, throughout the body, hands and eyes. Not just all over the body, but throughout the body, hands and eyes. Now, somehow when I was reading this piece about, and this may be too kind of literal,

[21:13]

or you might think this kind of physical description and this koan, it doesn't really mean that, but I actually, I had this very strong feeling that it was like, oh yes, throughout the body, hands and eyes, throughout the body, every cell, every organ is completely responding to, is completely responding, not to anything, but is the response to the world, is the universe, is the practice of the universe. So if, you know, my pancreas, you know, are thinking in this way, at a chemical level, and responding to the world, and I just had some kind of vast feeling

[22:15]

about our life together. Now, I was also listening to the radio a couple days ago, and they were talking about, this is the same kind of thing for me, these scientists are looking for life, like microbes and bacteria, in the most unlikely of places, and wherever they look, they find them. They have found them in the deepest recesses of igneous rocks and things, and under the polar ice cap, and in the core of a nuclear reactor, they find life, life. And they were saying, the interviewer was saying, is there any place in the world where there is no life? And they were saying, these scientists, they can't imagine, you know, in these unlikely places, like the core of a nuclear reactor, or in this freezing, freezing, down deep in the ocean, they find life.

[23:15]

So life is just lifing all over, and inside and outside, and upside and downside, fences, trees, tiles and pebbles, pancreas, ovaries, you know, you name it, it's just life, lifing and responding. So we're here together in this Sashin, and you know, I could say we're lucky enough to be together, but I don't think it's luck, you know, I might say, we have planted our wholesome roots, each one of us has planted our wholesome roots, in the past, which has allowed us to be together, lifing together

[24:16]

in this Sendho for these seven days, throughout the body, hands and eyes, throughout our body. So when we're sitting, you know, I remember a lecture from Suzuki Roshi where, I think it was a Sashin lecture, and he was saying, let painful legs be painful legs during Sashin. They're sitting there Sashin, don't bother them, you know, don't get involved with, oh, they shouldn't feel that way and I better do something. Let painful legs sit Sashin, let painful legs be painful legs. So let this, whatever is going on here on my left side, let it be and stay very close and be very close and very kind because, you know, my thinking and my emotional life and this pelvis, hip, left side,

[25:19]

it will respond, you know. If I'm angry and criticizing and say, you old, I'll be 51 at the end of Sashin, you old 51 year old who can't cross her legs anymore, you know, that kind of talk, I can imagine that hip sending out its neuropeptides saying, you know, alarm, alarm. Something's, we're not being given enough space here or something. So I think that's true, you know. How you think about your body and mind, how you speak to yourself and your painful legs and your back and your knees, you know, how you think about that, it's not like throwaway stuff. It's not like, oh, I can talk that way. There's nothing without consequence here. There's nothing that has no effect somehow as if there's something

[26:20]

unconnected somehow where you can just act any old way. There's no such animal, you know. So we have to pay very, very careful attention to how we take our place, how we do kinhin and walk, how we're taking, receiving our meals, how we receive our breaks. Are we really resting during our breaks, refreshing ourselves? And as I said in the orientation, all the forms of seshin are really for you, to help you. Eyes cast down as you walk, walking in yogic posture, you know, walking in shashu when you walk to and fro. This is all...

[27:25]

This is to help you pay attention and stay close. So I asked my teacher, Reb, about settling the great matter, settling the great matter of birth and death, and he said, the great matter is settled. The great matter is settled. It's the small matter. This is how I understood it. This is how I heard it. The small matter has to be settled. Now, the small matter and the great matter are not two, you know. But before we settle the small matter, and when our mind is at shambles, it's very... There's just a lot of cleanup work, you know,

[28:29]

that has to be done. So settling the small matter, which is not different than the big matter, but for now, I think it's important during the seshin to take care of the small things. Alan Chadwick, this just occurred to me, who was the master gardener who helped get our garden started here, he used to say, when you're sprinkling seeds, take care of the edges and the middle will take care of itself. When you're sprinkling seeds in a flat, take care of the edges and the middle will take care of itself. And that was true. If you were sure to get the edges evenly sprinkled, you'd notice the middle got evenly sprinkled by the time you were done. You didn't have to pay attention to the big middle. But the edges, where we usually don't, or may not often pay so much attention to,

[29:31]

we have to pay attention to the edges. So in Oriyoki, I just wanted to... Oriyoki is a wonderful place to pay attention to the edges, to the small details. And to try and be quiet with our utensils, with our bowls, I wanted to show you to try and make this kind of distinction. We may have an idea, oh, yes, yes, I'm supposed to be quiet with my bowls. Yes, I've been told, quiet with the bowls and the utensils. Okay. And then, somehow, that thought doesn't reach all the way through, you know, neck, shoulders, arms, down into the hands as they're actually picking up the bowl or setting it down. Somehow, I don't know, I think that thought

[30:32]

has to actually, about paying attention or mindfulness of the quiet, with the eating bowls, has to go all the way through the body, down and out, you know, you can visualize coming out through the tips of the fingers and into the bowls themselves, you know, the bowls are alive, just like the inside of a nuclear reactor, you know, they're alive and will respond to your life, you know. So, so I've noticed, you know, at the end of the meal we lift the bowls up and we set them down and then there's clack, [...] ding, ding, and then we bow and then we, somehow, right there, if, somehow, it sounds like when the bowls get moved to the back ton, there's like, there's all this clunk, [...] as the bowls kind of land with the smash. So, it's like, did we forget there about, you know, the meal's over, right? Huh, let me out of here, let me get uncrossed.

[31:32]

But, where is this intention to be quiet with our bowls? So, I want, I just want to, if we might pay particular attention to taking care of our bowls after the meal's over too and the quietness and, you know, when the bowls meet the wood, can they just meet quietly and just rest? Can your, can the bowls, can you stay with the bowls all the way down to the tatami or to the meal board, wherever they're being stored? Can they go all the way down? Can you be there all the way to the end? Or, kind of in between there, is there kind of some other thought that gets, gets in there? So, that's, I just suggest that as a practice. And, and also lowering the bowls when you're unstacking them and restacking them when they're lowered, like the middle bowl is lowered with the thumbs down. I think there's a tendency to be careful and then to drop it,

[32:35]

you know. So, can you actually stay with it all the way down and have your mindfulness reach into and through every action? So, oryogi is a wonderful place to do, to practice that kind of thorough mindfulness all the way to the end. Because there's so many, there's so many details and so many actions, you know. And mindfulness moving, allowing the mind to rest on each thing that comes up equally, staying with each thing as the object of attention shifts, the mind stays with it, each new thing. So, for me, this is the effort of settling the small matter.

[33:35]

But settling the small matter and settling the great matter, there's not two matters really, you know. There's just one matter here. And yet, being the kinds of beings that we are, we, wired the way we are wired, you might say, we have to start with exactly what's in front of us, taking care of exactly what's in front of us. Painful knees, oryoki bowls, our body and breath, cleanliness, clean. You know, there's a whole fascicle in Dogon about washing the face and the importance of washing before coming to zazen or service as not just because you'll smell better for your neighbors, although that's a, that is a, can be a big disturbance

[34:37]

for people, but also purifying yourself for your practice, or having your body, you know, body and mind. I was just thinking of the verse that we say before taking a bath at Tassajara, you know, mokoyoko shindaito ganchijo shinjin bukunai ga kakusu, with all beings I wash body and mind, free from dust, pure and shining, within and without. So, we wash body and mind, pure and shining, within and without. Not that we're not pure before, but because we already are pure, we wash body and mind so that we're, we're in alignment with the way we actually are. So, I wanted to read a poem

[35:38]

by Sekito Kisen called Song of the Grass Roof Hermitage. Sekito Kisen, who also wrote, what are we calling it now? Merging of Difference and Sensibility, and Sameness. When he was a little boy, speaking of shambles, when he was a little boy, the hunters in his district or where he lived would do animal sacrifices to propitiate the spirits of the mountains and all, and he didn't like that, couldn't bear that, I guess, and he would go and just come into these places where they were going to be doing these animal sacrifices, like of oxen, and would free the oxen and ruin their ceremony, and he did this, he kept doing it over and over again, you know, like, and finally they just had to give up sacrifices. So, this is called

[36:45]

Song of the Grass Roof Hermitage, and it seemed very, for me, when I read it today, very encouraging for Sashene, for us Sashene. I've built a grass hut where there's nothing of value. After eating, I relax and enjoy a nap. When it was completed, fresh weeds appeared. Now it's been lived in, covered by weeds. The person in the hut lives here calmly, not stuck to inside, outside, or in between. Places worldly people live, he doesn't live. Realms worldly people love, he doesn't love. Though the hut is small, it includes the entire world. In ten square feet, an old man illumines forms and their nature. A great Vyakha Bodhisattva trusts without doubt.

[37:47]

The middling or lowly can't help wondering, will this hut perish or not? Perishable or not, the original master is present, not dwelling south or north, east or west. Firmly based on steadiness, it can't be surpassed. A shining window below the green pines, jade palaces or vermilion towers can't compare with it. Just sitting with head covered, all things are at rest. Thus this mountain monk doesn't understand at all. Living here, he no longer works to get free. Who would proudly arrange seats trying to entice guests? Turn around the light to shine within, then just return. The vast inconceivable source

[38:47]

can't be faced or turned away from. Meet the ancestral teachers. Be familiar with their instruction. Bind grasses to build a hut and don't give up. Let go of hundreds of years and relax completely. Open your hands and walk, innocent. Thousands of words, myriad interpretations are only to free you from obstructions. If you want to know the undying person in the hut, don't separate from this skin bag here and now. So, let's sit together,

[40:06]

walk together, eat together and rest together, innocent. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. May your intention

[40:24]

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