Good morning. I just spoke to Kathleen, Magicia, and I told her that this is the third talk that I'm giving here on a Saturday. And the preparation is typically the same. I spend the best part of a week on all my free time reading everything I can get a hold of, looking for something to pull this talk together. And right up to the last minute still writing down notes and reaching into books and trying to pull up references that'll make this talk substantial and really essentially worth your time for being here. And as I sit here, I'm still experiencing a lot of lack of preparedness.

[01:17]

So, she suggested I just be honest. Don't try to be a smart one, huh? Whenever I have doksan with Mao, I try to be as honest as I can, and in my relationships I try to do the same. And I find that when I read books on Buddhism, they're very encouraging and at times exciting, but then to actually practice is most often very different. Sometimes I feel that I know just as much as anybody does. I know that, and I'll hear somebody saying, well, I know that, and I've read that, and I know this.

[02:25]

But when it comes time for me to act, so often I forget everything I know. and I seem to rely on old patterns, old habits. And in the few talks I've given in the past, I've mentioned that one of the landmarks that I use for my personal growth is to watch essentially what happens to me when I'm in a relationship with someone, to see whether I'm opening, whether I'm expanding, or am I contracting and closing down? And I notice usually when my relationship is not comfortable, when there's discomfort involved, I'm very quick to close down and pull back. And it takes a lot of courage to not do that.

[03:30]

And if you do do it, to at least pay attention to it, And then do your best in a disciplined way, even though it feels very unnatural, to take that step forward in that direction that you're not comfortable with. That will make you essentially vulnerable to the unknown, to the other person, kind of a willingness to be abused. And I know that's a big word today and it's justified, but I'm not talking about blatant abuse. I'm talking about a willingness to take a chance to find out if you will or won't be abused. That's on the personal level and what's going along with all of that In our practice you'll often hear talk about a subjective and objective world.

[04:37]

A world where Buddha resides and then a world with time clocks. A world that's not very nurturing or seemingly so. And I would like to share just some of the Some of the notes I did pick up these last few days to try to put some, to give that some perspective. I think Jesus is probably one of the most misunderstood people that have tried to teach us something. And he himself said, one of the things he said is when you make the two one, and when you make the inner as the outer, and the outer as the inner, and the above as the below, and when you make the male and the female into a single one, so that the male will not be male and the female will not be female, then shall you enter the kingdom.

[05:55]

And Dogen says, mountains, rivers, earth, the sun, the moon, and stars are mine. There are mountains suspended in form. There are mountains suspended in emptiness. And Rinzai's teacher Wong Po says, most people indulge in conceptual thought that is based on environmental phenomena. Hence they feel desire and hatred. To eliminate environmental phenomena, just put an end to your conceptual thinking. When this ceases, environmental phenomena are void. And when these are void, thought ceases. But if you try to eliminate environment, without first putting a stop to conceptual thought, you will not succeed, but merely increase its power to disturb you.

[07:09]

So we have two realities we keep working with, a big one and a small one, the absolute and the finite. Most of these teachers, all of these teachers keep pointing to is some sense that there's a third place where we could spend our time. That's not very popular, but it's the one that's brought us here. And that's the reality that holds those two. And It doesn't take anything away from them, but it also doesn't allow us to base our life on them. In this environment,

[08:16]

What we tend to cultivate is hopefully a larger mind that would take us closer to the absolute, the emptiness. As Dogen says, the mountains are also suspended in emptiness. And when we leave, we face a world that really doesn't acknowledge this, not openly. and is very heavy, very weighted, and not very encouraging, very disturbing. So the biggest problem we have as students on the way, on our path as we try to live our lives well, is to try to bring those two worlds together. Well, I haven't been able to do it, and I'm saying that in the sense that when you conceptualize bringing the two worlds physically together and trying to make them one, it didn't work for me.

[09:32]

What I had was this world and this world very identified and with force and effort trying to bring them together. And I noticed that if I just let them be, and not get involved with either in a sense of identity, and just manage the situation as it was presented to me, holding these two realities, all of the identity tied up with the details of what was transpiring in relationship to the most inspiring works and lectures I've heard in the past that would suggest a world much larger than this one. To hold the two in my consciousness, to accept them in their completeness and speak from place as best as I could

[10:41]

that represented this other dimension that I'm talking about. So we have two constants, I'm suggesting the third. And ultimately you would let go of the third one as well. But it's been my experience until I'm able to deal with these two effectively, I need to let them rest and then speak from this third one. And this third one is hidden It's really well hidden. It's extremely difficult to find because it's right in front of us. It's what we actually have. And most of us don't want that. We went this way. We want to be a hot dog, or we want to be suffering.

[11:44]

You know, we have these choices. So to be in the middle is the gray zone. And most of my life has been pretty gray, and I'm not putting a value judgment on it, but just I haven't had a lot of definition in it. And it's bothered me because so often you see people and going on appearance, It looks like, it looks like some people are doing very well. I'm sure they are. But what I think we often miss is the side of their life that they're not willing to display. So in that, We feel isolated, we feel lonely. We feel that something isn't quite right. It causes a lot of unnecessary suffering. And it's really because of their lack of honesty. And it's not malicious, it's just some people just aren't comfortable exposing themselves in that way.

[12:50]

So we feel slightly Not necessarily abandoned, but for certain isolated. And how often do we hear about loneliness being one of the biggest problems we have, not only in this country, but on the whole planet. Especially in cultures that are similar to ours. I think you go to the poor cultures, they may not have the same problem. Loneliness may be a human condition. It certainly seems to be fairly constant. I don't know if Buddha was lonely. I don't know. I would like to think he wasn't, but my guess is he probably was at times, because he was human. So the most difficult aspect of our practice is to accept our lives as it actually is, and not put something on it that would suggest it should be different.

[13:57]

So in my wildest fantasies, I'd say, well, Buddha and Christ and all the other greats must have been, and then my mind just goes wherever it wants to go because it doesn't have any limitations. It doesn't have an experience that limits it. It just goes wherever it wants. So I pick a scenario, I pick a lifestyle, a mindset that's encouraging for me. I say, well, I would really like to be like that. So I just come in, I sit, and I live my life as best I can. But it doesn't get a whole lot better fast. Not as fast as I would like it, just kind of slow. It almost seems like it's not moving. So in my impatience and frustration, I feel more isolated and I get anxious and I get impatient and I start to want to change the world so that it looks more like I think it should look to accelerate my growth.

[15:02]

I mean, there are a lot of people in my way, right? So, if I can get them out of the way, then I will move so much faster. But I've also noticed that they must be living in very much the same kind of a mindset, because they think that I'm in their way. So, there are a lot of elbows being rubbed and shoulders being bumped in one thing or another. And we look at our phenomenal reality and we say, This is really bullshit." And our minds would think that. We'd say, well, what are we going to do about it? So what we tend to do is pull back even further and say, well, hell, I'm getting the hell out of here. Or I need to find something else. This stinks. I'm gone. I never liked them anyway. Something. So we create an alternative that in my experience is a whole lot like what I just left.

[16:07]

So we look at our lives as we get older and we say, God, this is unreal. There doesn't seem to be any way out. No. And there's some humor in that, but there's also, there's a sad note. It's like, well, how do I pull myself out of this? I mean, what are these greats trying to share? I mean, why am I sitting? I know why I'm sitting. I don't have a choice. If I did, I wouldn't be doing it. It's tough. It's really hard work. I'm not complaining. It's just, you know, it's a gift, but it's not something that I would have reached for. It was given to me, and I'm grateful for it. So we feel, again, a little more isolated, a little more confused, a little less certain, a little more frustrated. And as our life starts to break down, there's an element of violence that starts to surface.

[17:14]

Watered down as it might be, it's still a touch of violence. And it's mixed in with impatience and anxiety and a sense of loss and time is passing and the wrinkles are getting deeper and it just goes on and on. What am I going to do? That third reality that you will someday let go is available that, as I said earlier, most people don't want to touch. Because it hurts, it's painful, you're not in control, you're vulnerable, and you can't take yourself with you. There's no room for your history as you act on the moment. When you act in the moment, what you have to do is you have to surrender yourself to your situation, to the person you're with.

[18:20]

And to surrender well is to acknowledge the absolute dimension, which is, there's only one. There aren't two people, there's only one. So you acknowledge that in your disciplinary behavior, because it's not your normal behavior. Normal behavior is to push them aside and keep walking. The disciplined self, the guidance that Buddha gave us, says, no, you don't push. No, you don't speak with a coarse tongue. Hold yourself back and speak with kindness. Even though you're not feeling it. Speak it. As best as you possibly can. Just that. Just do your best. Don't put any stakes in results. Just do your very best. I don't see too much of that going on. I think it's because we can't take ourselves with us. I have to leave Bob out of the equation when I do that. the historical Bob, the one that's based on experiences, the one that has a catalog of snapshots that he can press into anytime saying, oh yeah, I've been there, I've done that, oh yeah, let me tell you about it, hey, I've got a picture just like yours.

[19:38]

So what I'm doing in that is I'm taking everything away from the experience, I'm taking the life out of the experience that's available, that third reality, the present, which is just alive with potential possibility. And what I'm doing with it is I'm ignoring that and I'm bringing in all of this historical weight. And I'm categorizing and placing and shuffling and arranging it in such a way that it represents me. And say, well, you want to know what's going on, here it is, right? Problem is, is they're not listening. because they're doing the same thing I'm doing. So who's going to take the step forward? Who's going to surrender? Who's going to take the warrior's step?

[20:41]

Who's going to be the warrior? Not for the other person, because you don't ever do anything for other people. Whatever you do is always for yourself. But when you step into this third dimension, something nice starts to happen. And even though you're doing it for yourself because you want to be free, you really aren't sensitive enough to the other person yet to really be able to, in all honesty, do anything for them. So you're still serving yourself, but it promises a little more freedom. in the either or world that we normally live in. So you accept your reality in its finite sense, you reflect on the absolute, on the possibility of freedom that it promises, and you step into the present moment, and you act and speak from what's actually present. And when that happens,

[21:49]

It's been my experience that there's a glow in the relationship, there's a likeness, there's a quality in the presence that's elegant, and I think it's universally referred to as love. I think, I trust my experience, I keep finding out things as I go along, that our essence is love, but not conceptual love, because that's too limiting. I think it goes far beyond concept. I think there's a grace, a warmth that we all inherently hold that really can't be tagged, but it's our basic nature as referred to as Buddha nature. You go to the Christians and they have their names for it. They all have a name for it. It really doesn't pay, it really doesn't, it shouldn't be our concern too much about what it's called. Actually, it's not even our concern.

[22:51]

We follow a discipline that serves us, that works with us, and that's that. There's nothing more we need to say about that. But universally, if the disciplines, if the churches are honest in their practice, we can all share the same dimensions. That's why I go through, I've got a book on wisdom that's thick on all of these greats throughout history, and it just is all smacks of the same essence. So it's not like the Buddhist, Soto, Rinzai, whatever, or the Catholics, or the Jews, or any religion, or any practice has a corner on what's going on. What's going on is that third dimension that I'm referring to, where you can step into it and experience something that you normally don't have access to. And if I was in a Baptist church and I stepped into that, I'd be a Baptist. And you know what I'd be doing? I'd be trying to find a whole lot of people to join me because I just had something happen that was pretty nice. My life just got a whole lot better.

[23:52]

Problem is, it looks like it was the Baptist that did it. It looks like it was the church. It looks like there's something about that place that made it happen. And that's not true. Nothing's going to happen here. This Zendo has nothing to offer you. Nothing. And that's actually good news. That's the best thing we can offer you. Actually, if we really could offer you absolutely nothing, we would be doing one hell of a job. If we offer you something, you're going to get stuck on it. It's going to look like something happened here. And you're going to go talk, whoa, you should go to Wrigley's Inc. in a while, it's really a far off place. This place isn't far off. What makes it neat is the people that come in here. What makes it happen are the people who come here and sit with the kind of sincerity that will make a difference in our lives. And there's nothing that we can do here that will make it happen. You do it. I can do it.

[24:56]

It is not Bob, historical Bob, I'm talking about the Bob that existed long before his parents were born. That absolute Bob. The one that doesn't have a name. The one that doesn't even have a body. So, if you could in your discipline cultivate a lifestyle, a way that will allow you to release the focus of attention that you normally invest in yourself. Just release that focus. And as I said in my last two talks, allow yourself to step into the moment. This is where it gets kind of weird. Most people don't pay attention to spatial dimensions.

[26:00]

They say, well, life is just this stuff, and then there's space between it, and life is the stuff. And in the last talk I went to some effort to make it clear that scientists are saying there's nothing there. A recent reading I read, if you take the Take the largest building in downtown San Francisco, what would that be? Bank of America? The roads are larger in one sense. Take the largest building you can find. And take out all of the space. The space between the walls, the space between the walls themselves, the space between us. Just keep eliminating space as we know it. What you end up with is a building the size of a toothpick that weighs the same as the building. Interesting.

[27:02]

Point is, it's all space. And most recent findings, not so recent, but let's just say contemporary physics are saying, and even that doesn't exist, So I'm ending up with a lot of Buddha nature. I'm ending up with a phenomenal amount of space. And I think it's a serious mistake that we are allowing ourselves to become lost and intoxicated, confused by the dust as it passes in front of us. And it is dust. It is. In the absolute dimension, you talk about time, we're talking about billions of light years. This is nothing. This hasn't even been born yet. And before you even take your first breath, it's gone, it's over. In the absolute dimension. In the finite, it seems to last forever. What I'm suggesting is that rather than holding yourself separate, rather than holding your practice as being unique and different and isolating yourself in your differences, that you share some grounds that are common.

[28:27]

One of them is the spatial. I can't prove it. I might not try, but it's been my experience that the sight, the sound, the consciousness that we experience isn't positional. It's not coming from my eyes or my ears. It's a very, very sophisticated process. It's omnipresent. So the consciousness permeates everything. It just looks like it's happening here, it looks like it's happening here, it looks like it's happening here, and you're having the same experience, so in that we separate ourselves. But in the absolute dimension, it's omnipresent. And yeah, you can kind of put your finger on it and say, well, it's pretty much coming from right here. But in 10 minutes, it changes and it ends up coming from someplace else. So I'm not going to go any further on that because I'll get lost in it. That's just endless. But what you can do is accept the possibility that the life you're experiencing isn't so self-centered.

[29:30]

Not really. The life you're experiencing is becoming self-centered out of habit. out of conditioning, out of an unwillingness to be where you are, to truly have what you have, and to completely do what you're doing. It's an unwillingness to be responsible. It's an unwillingness to accept the pain as well as the joy with your life as it actually is. No flowers, I'm saying that there's just nothing added. Don't put anything on it. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. And if you can do that, I think you'll begin to speak and act from a place that's a little different, that's a little foreign. You have to have a lot of trust, because you won't have the experience to back you up, to encourage you.

[30:34]

So, That's where our classic literature comes from, our Buddhist teachings from our teachers from the past. They've gone through these very same steps. And some of them were exceptionally brilliant and have a lot to share in that brilliance. So it's helpful to reflect on what they have to share, but you need to know that that isn't our practice. It's critical to have it available for guidance. It's their gift to us, but that isn't what we do. What we do is our life, as they did their life. And they speak about their life with the clarity that will instruct us. And it's our responsibility to take that gift, that clarity, and transform it into our personal experience. And rather than showing off and claiming to know a lot, I think it's much smarter

[31:37]

to claim my ignorance, not in an attached way, but just to acknowledge it and speak from, not what I know from, but more from possibilities that are available. It takes a lot of courage. Am I done? Do I have any more to say? I think the only one, I'll close by just saying, we'll open this up to some questions, but I'll just say that I can't say enough to encourage you to trust your inherent grace. To trust that and to do everything in your power, everything in your disciplined life, to reach for that and trust. to act through that grace, to know that it's there.

[32:43]

I know you know that. If you didn't, you wouldn't be sitting here. People all know that at some level. It's just how willing they are to acknowledge it and act from it. So, I can't say enough to encourage you just to to accept your life as it actually is, to speak from that reality, and in your relationships, don't fill it with noise, don't fill it with quiet, fill it with openness, fill it with a question. Fill it with kindness. Discipline. Fill it with what you want. Not necessarily what you're feeling, but what you want.

[33:47]

It's all discipline. It's hard work. And you won't have anybody to help you. As a matter of fact, you'll probably have a lot of people to discourage you. As a matter of fact, you're gonna be alone. You will. I can't do it with you. You have to do it alone. I can only do mine. And you have to do yours. And in that, if we do it well, we can come together. But I can't do it for anybody. So... Are there any questions? Yes? Oh, I don't know, a contribution or a comment. Well, one, I just... Recently, someone mentioned a prayer of Thomas Merton's, which was, Lord, give us time. And I thought that was interesting. You know, we can do all this if we just have time.

[34:52]

But we don't. Or we don't know, you know, really how limited it is. And the other thing is, I really appreciate your talking about this being alone, and the ways, the different ways, and the requirement, and I think the, well, the essential, let's see, the essential The pain of existence is this aloneness, I think it is the separation that we... We don't understand that, you know, our being here requires that we be separate. But we know that that's, you know, that somehow that's not it. or that that's it, but there's this, it's all, there's something that's, that's the more basic thing that's not separate, but we tend to feel the separation, and that's the condition for being here, being conscious, that it's really the woman.

[36:04]

But I think that we have different periods of awareness, and sometimes the awareness is in the aloneness. And I just have had a feeling that there is this grace that you speak about, which I appreciate you using the term because Buddhists don't usually use it. It's a Christian term, but it's really useful. Yeah, it's just a term. We have it, but we don't talk about it in those terms. But my feeling is that I don't know exactly where grace comes from, but I think it does. Well, one way it comes is between people. In other words, I don't think one can do it alone.

[37:06]

That's just something I've been thinking about, that even Louie didn't do it alone, in some sense. In some sense, he really did. This is a really extraordinary example of the do-it-yourselfer. But on the other hand, there are forces in the universe that one isn't usually aware of. And then, in practice, that's where people come together, that there's something that is brought forth. Yeah, I can't comment on what Buddha experienced because I really don't know for sure. I can guess. But I wouldn't want what he did based on my experiences.

[38:09]

That wouldn't be fair. I can only speak my mind. And you pick up hints through our reading. And I'm not sure, I'm not going to set myself up against you, but I'm not sure that that grace is something that happens only in a relationship. I think it's something that might be omnipresent that's experienced in a relationship and typically comes up then. But I'm not certain that it requires another person to have it. And I'm just reflecting. One, in the absolute sense, there aren't two worlds, there's only one. So there aren't two people, there's only one person. It looks like there are two. The experience, two. But actually, there's only one world. So it looks like I'm speaking, but actually you're doing the talking through me. Something like that. And I realize that's not our experience, but I trust that's what's actually happening.

[39:09]

We just need to step into that reality to experience it. mind is like a gigantic organism. It just moves in close. I think that if it's alone, it's not a problem. It's me. It's both. Right, and you experience the union either through a deep meditation or some kind of a discipline where, well, there are ways you can do it in your everyday life. Drugs will do it, I understand. Some people in alcoholism, they can step into realities where I think that's what they're reaching for. In sexual relationships, if they're blessed in love, some very nice things happen.

[40:15]

There are ways you can do it in the physical dimension. And there's also a way to step into it by not moving, by just being quiet and stepping into that serenity, the same richness is available and all of that. Yeah, the quantum physics are saying that it's all, it's the same thing. We get thirsty for relationships. We reach for them because we are lonely. And that's not bad. It's just to close that so we don't experience that. And what's frightening about it makes it difficult is that nothing lasts. So in the end, you'll still be alone. So that's the other side, so it comes and goes. So I think it's important not to get too excited about either. When you're alone and you're feeling lonely, don't get too excited about it, don't get too depressed, don't read into it. You're just not feeling real good. And then when you do have something going on in your life that's opposite, don't get greedy, don't get clingy, don't get selfish, don't get controlling.

[41:25]

just really just enjoy it because it will pass too and that's not bad it just will and who knows how long but it's not the issue it's just to be honest with it. Well, I was speaking from a disciplined sense, because you can't ever leave your past. You can't leave it, but you can leave your attachment to it. So you step away from it, in that sense. You can't leave your past. It's important to have it. You have it. It's yours. It's the Dharma. There's nothing wrong with it. But when I'm holding on to it and I'm dragging it in, I have something else going on. It has nothing to do with what's happening. So if I drag my past into this present,

[42:27]

and I really pollute the present with it, then this present, I just throw in the same stuff sack and start dragging that around. And if I do that long enough, that stuff sack's gonna be pretty crazy. So when anybody wants to talk to me, I'll just unload it and be like, whoa. That's my life, based on history. I'm never here. It seems like, well really the question is about what is it in us that has this urgency or this tendency to pollute the present? Fear. Vulnerability. Unwillingness to be vulnerable. You have to step in. If you step into the present for what it actually holds, you can't control it. You can't dictate.

[43:30]

You can't make any demands on it. You just have to reach in and see what you have and speak in all honesty from your life, from your history, what's going on with you, but not in a dictatorial way, not in a controlling way. You just present that reality to whoever it is, person or group, you present that and hopefully it's heard. and others would do the same. And in the sharing, the experience of the history isn't wasted. It's brought into the present, incorporated into a wise decision, hopefully. And hopefully, an element of newness. So you don't just repeat. Because if you keep repeating, your life is dead. So you bring in the past, you incorporate it into the present, and then you speak with possibilities. What else could we do that might work? Maybe a little this, a little that, change a little bit. and just try something a little different. So that takes courage. So my question was really, well anyway, my experience is more like, if we can look at that third reality, or allow that third reality to permeate our experience of the past, then we can bring it forth, but it's like what you're saying, we bring it forth clingy.

[45:09]

Right. We don't bring it forth with this sort of clingy kind of sense of... Well, you're not trying to prove something. Does that make sense to you? Yeah, it really does. You know, victim, you were abused. It wasn't fair. Right. Yes, it was not fair and it refocuses the attention from it wasn't fair to what are we going to do about it? What can I do to change it? What can I do to relieve the suffering? So you have to let go. Everything that's just holding you down, that doesn't have any life in it, that's just dead. There's no breath in it. It's old, it's dead, it's finished. Yes, it wasn't fair. No, it wasn't right. Yes, it hurt. And here you are. Now what? So rather than repeating the past or getting lost in it or strangling the present by it, you just It takes a lot of courage.

[46:10]

Phenomenal amount of courage. More than most people are willing to spend. Also, I think it harkens back to what you said about trust. And trust. It's like some trust that if you fall, you won't fall. I guess that ends with saying fall into nothingness. It takes a lot of trust. It takes a lot of trust and it's sad because most people aren't really bad. Most people are pretty nice. And I mean that truly. but we're afraid of the few. So the few set up the standards that we tend to live by. It's a shame. So to trust is to trust that the universe is not vindictive. That the universe, life, God, Buddha, is not here to destroy you, to run you into the ground. That it's actually here to carry you forward. It's that kind of trust. And once in a while you get hurt. So, take note. Don't do it again. You know, when you see something similar, just move a little more caution.

[47:13]

You don't have to close down, but just be aware that it's sort of the same, but that doesn't mean it is the same. So you move a little more caution, and then it may prove to be okay. So it's just, that's the value of your experience, if you use it well. We need to end. So, thank you very much. Kings are nervous.

[47:45]

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