Well, there are two powerful directions of our life. One is in, and the other is out. And while we're focused on in, we give all of our effort to maintaining ourself here in this world, but at some point, if we're fortunate, we come to a point where that's no longer an option, and then we decide that or make an effort, our effort is to Both are very positive.

[01:05]

Learning how to release ourself and let go is actually the culmination of our life. So We're born and we grow and shine and flower and then we fade, just like flowers in a wonderful process, every part of which is good. Thursday, Alan Snarky and Mary Wasin and I went to Arcata to visit Maile Scott.

[02:25]

Most of you know who Maile Scott is, Meili is one of our teachers who practiced with us for many, many years. She started practicing in 1971, I think, and in the last 10 years or so has the only person I've ever known who could bring the anarchists together to practice, the northern anarchists. But she suddenly developed internal cancer. very suddenly realized that her cancer was non-reversible.

[03:36]

So many people in our sanghas who knew her very well and who studied with her and many people who consider her their teacher because she's still around, she's still with us. But maybe there was some hope that they could do some work on her. But when I was there, we learned that that was not possible. So right now, she's in the process of just letting go. We don't know how long it will be. Not too long, but nobody knows how long exactly.

[04:40]

So she will go home, I think, and My idea is for people to visit, but when they visit, to just sit down. She's not very strong, so having to tell people how she's feeling all the time is not something she wants to do. So how do we take care of somebody in this position in which most of us will find ourselves at some point or another? This is a big lesson for everybody. I asked her, do you feel embarrassed?

[05:42]

She said yes. She told me a little story about feeling embarrassed, which I don't want to relate to you, but it's like when you open the door and find somebody in an embarrassing situation. When you're in this situation, when your life has been very vigorous and people look to you for guidance and they look to you for strength and suddenly you're in a weak position and in a position they don't like people to see you in. Somewhat jaundiced and incapable of doing much. It's an embarrassing position to be in. So you're a little hesitant to have people see you in this position. And then having to explain yourself.

[06:52]

So she hasn't been seeing very many people. But I suggested that Now is the time to let people say goodbye and for you to say goodbye to people and just open that gate and learn how, find the way to keep opening up and letting go. If we know how to open up and let go, this is the culmination of all of our practice. is the practice of learning how to let go. We spend 30 years sitting zazen every day, learning how to engage and let go, how to let things come up and let things go, how to experience the passing of your life

[08:03]

as coming and going and not coming and not going. How to be simply present. So this is a wonderful opportunity to just allow oneself to be present on each breath. There's really not anything that she can do except breathe and be aware. She can talk and so forth, but little by little, that won't be, that'll be less and less possible. And if people sit with her and breathe with her, it's like true communication. True communication. So she's, people say, what can we do for you? And she says, just sit. Just sit with me.

[09:06]

So this came as a big shock to people because she was so healthy and so seemingly vigorous and her community was just coming together, just taking off, so to speak. So there's the problem of how she takes care of herself, then there's a problem of how does everyone else take care of themselves? How do we all take care of ourself? And the problem of what do you do when you can't do anything? I think this is how people feel. They feel Arcada is 400 miles away. She doesn't want you to come up. You want to see her.

[10:28]

You want to do something. You want to save her. But there's nothing you can do. What do you do? So this is our big koan. What do you do when you can't do anything? It's the problem that you have in Zazen, or in Sashin, on the fifth day of Sashin, or the first day, when you're in your seat, and you really would rather leave, and you can't leave, and at the same time, you can't stay, but you just sit there. Just be with this moment. This is the ultimate moment. So, you know, there's meeting with the hand, with the touch, there's meeting with the eye, there's meeting with the speech, and there's meeting with the deeper presence that we experience in Zazen.

[11:50]

the meeting where we all let go and meet at the deepest place without having to go someplace. And then there's the question of, well, where will she go? During our lifetime of ambitiously creating a self,

[12:56]

We identify with this self that we create. We are called self-creating, in Buddhism we're called self-creating creatures. We create our life and through our dream and identify with this self. And then at some point this self comes apart There's a phrase in one of the koans, when the various elements start to dissolve, what will you do? Like a crab in hot water, what will you do? Who will you be then?

[14:10]

So if we can identify not with so much with our ego self, but with the universe as our self, Then we have some security. Suzuki Roshi said to somebody once, don't worry, whatever happens, you will always find your place somewhere in the universe. He said, when you pick up a stone and throw it as far as you can, it still lands someplace in the universe.

[15:26]

You know, different faiths, religious faiths, have various ways of making us feel comfortable. like heaven and hell, comfortable and uncomfortable, and various things that happen to us, places we go. Buddhism also has the understanding of circularity, that energy keeps recycling. the energy of life keeps recycling and creating new forms, which is fairly logical. We don't know how that happens. There are a lot of theories.

[16:34]

The forms change, but the life itself is continuous. So, like our life as a small child transforms into the life of a youth, transforms into the life of middle age, transforms into the life of old age. There's something that's the same and something that's not the same. Although the old man is not the little boy, there's something of the little boy in the old man. And as our life disappears, fails to appear in this world, energy creates new forms.

[17:59]

And there's something of the old form that's in the new form. all of our ancestors are somehow embodied in each one of us from the beginning as ourself. So our life, somebody asked me, do you think it's necessary to think about this now? Do you think it's necessary to think about our dying now before, while we still think we're young?

[19:02]

I said yes. Because to live our life without understanding the completion of it doesn't help, because our life should be based on how we're going to die. If we understand the other side, then we know how to live our life. So in a sense you can say the journey of this life is learning how to die. And it is a passage. It's like a If you observe all around us, everything is passing through our life.

[20:12]

Millions and billions of people passing through continuously. It's a passage. And if we know how to dance through this passage, we can see it in its true sense. And we can realize that living we're dying, and dying we're living. Each moment's breath is a living and a dying. Inhaling we come to life, exhaling we let go. And on each letting go, we come back to life again. So life and death are totally mixed. So life is not life and death is not death.

[21:21]

In each stage, is if we're totally, fully functioning on each stage, on each moment, that's called salvation. And that's the purpose of sitting Zazen. Just listening to the Dharma is not enough. We have to actually practice it so that it's embedded in our bones. And then when the time comes to leave we know how to do that.

[22:32]

And although there are regrets and attachments, we know how to let go when the time to let go is there. So I think that Meili has this understanding very well, and this is her final teaching for her students, is how she does this. So, but the problem remains here for people who feel they can't quite communicate when they want to say goodbye, they can't do it directly.

[23:52]

So, we have to do it some other way. So I'm wondering if you have any questions. Paul? Who's going to take care of her at home? Well, her daughter's there, and her two sons will come up. And there are a lot of people. Her whole sangha is ready to do whatever they need to do. Yeah. Richard? Yeah, well, you know, we put certain restrictions on ourself in our life.

[25:01]

Do you know, if you watch people, everyone has a posture. And our postures are determined by the way we think, the way we feel, our emotions, our fears, and our anxieties, and our self-protection. And you notice how people walk and sit And when I see what people sitting here in Zazen facing the wall, I can tell a lot about each one just by looking at their back, looking at them from the back, looking at you from the back, and how closed or open you are.

[26:04]

through your posture. So we develop postures given all those factors. Some people are bent way over and some people are this way or that way. So Zazen is letting go of postures. There's no posturing in Zazen. is letting go of acquired posture and resuming natural posture. Natural posture is unconditioned posture, but our usual postures are conditioned. So when you sit Zazen, you let go of all the conditioning, all your conditioning, hopefully, but that's not possible, right? But it is. at the same time. We make that effort. The effort is to let go of all our conditioned posture and resume natural posture.

[27:15]

When you were a little kid, if you notice, watch little kids, when they stand, their They have a natural vertebrae. The vertebrae is in a natural position with the lower back pushed forward because that's the way the vertebrae goes. And they haven't developed defensive postures. And then their little tummies go like this when they breathe. Our breath, you know, as our fears develop, the breath tends to come up, and then we're breathing in the chest. And I'll say to people, you know, deep breathing, you know, breathe down here. They have a vague memory of having done that once. If I ask people, where's your breath right now?

[28:17]

Let's see. Truly, people have been practicing for 10 years. I said, where's your breath now? So we should always know where our breath, our breath should always be here. When it's up here, you know, I have some anxiety or I have some fear or something like that because that's what brings it up. That's what brings our breath up here. So being conscious and aware of the breath, you push it down or let it go down. Release your tension and let the breath go down to here, to your lower abdomen, what feels like your lower abdomen. And that helps you to relax, to let go of the fears or the anxiety that's keeping your breath up here. So this is part of opening up.

[29:21]

Opening up means letting go of anxiety and fear. And that's what I mean by opening up. Opening up and letting go are kind of the same thing. Two aspects of the same thing, yeah. Melody? Thank you. Thank you for trying to comfort us. I really appreciate it about you that you have had these women students. And I just wanted to say to you that I'm sorry for you for losing Brianne. And also maybe it's not much too soon. That must be hard for you. Yeah. Well, I think it's the loss for all of us. And I don't think it's my loss any more than anyone else's.

[30:26]

But thanks for that. Yeah. Yes. Well, just what I was talking about, you know, to know that you have an unassuming state of mind, to have an unassuming state of mind means that without anticipating anything. That's one good sign that you're not anticipating, but you're simply totally open and responding to whatever occurs.

[31:37]

And the fact that your breathing is open and easy and relaxed and the fact that you're aware of posture and that your posture is open so that you don't feel restricted. I think those are the signs. And when you make that effort then it has an effect on how you think and how you feel. It works both ways. Our anxieties and fears tend to condition our postures and our breathing, but if you make the effort to let go of that, it conditions or unconditions your emotions and feelings and thoughts.

[32:50]

Yes, to have a non-judgmental attitude, I think that's right, that's the present moment, because you're not dividing the moment into, you're not creating a duality, just letting it be. Nancy? Well, I've been thinking about Meili's radiance all week. Yeah. And maybe she would appreciate my asking this rudimentary question about Zazen. You were describing breathing. I've often wondered, I never asked you. Our lungs only go down so far. And so, when we breathe in our stomach, And I feel I do if I try, if I keep focused.

[34:22]

It's the muscles that are in the stomach that are dictating. I just wanted to clarify that. I will clarify it for you. There are two things. For some of us, our lungs go down further than others. I'm only kidding. But you have to remember, I said, and I was very careful to say this, it feels like it's in your stomach, in your abdomen. I said, feels like it's in your lower abdomen. I didn't say it was in your lower abdomen. So I was very careful to say that, which I always am, because of course, you breathe in your lungs, not in your stomach. You're right. But thanks for bringing that up. Yeah, I do forget that, and I get kind of confused. Right, so the little kid, the tummy is going in and out, but it's really the lungs that are doing the work, but it affects that area. I was just thinking of Maureen Stewart, who I knew a little bit,

[35:39]

She also suddenly got cancer and died. Well, she actually lasted a while. But somebody told me that when she was dying, she said, it doesn't matter at all. It doesn't matter at all. And I thought that it meant it doesn't matter that I'm dying or it's OK. She completely let go. I have this question. For some reason, I'm feeling very frightened. I don't even know how the question is going to come out. But when I look around Rosendo, I see each person, and I'm looking at you right now, and I feel some very huge particularity of love that's associated with the particularity of you or whoever I'm looking at.

[36:46]

I just can't get what it is about that particularity of loving a person because they're that person. And then this, it doesn't matter at all. Okay, yeah. So, you know, she said that when Maureen Stewart was dying to another teacher, she said something like, it doesn't matter at all. So how does this equate with, it does matter a lot to me, right? It does. Not just in the attachment way, but in the particularity of loving. Yeah, particularity of loving. Okay, so then the particularity of loving, that's something very precious that you express, and it's your truth. For the person that's dying, to say, it doesn't matter at all, is their truth.

[37:53]

Right? So it's not that you should not think that it doesn't matter. It's like, I don't want you to suffer so much. That's what it means. I mean, right? Don't worry about me. That's what it means. Don't take the words at their face value. You should take the words for their deeper meaning. that it doesn't matter at all means, I don't want you to suffer because of me. Don't worry about me. I'll be all right. So that's what the person on this side, on that side, this side says. The person on the other side says, oh, jeez, you know, I really don't, I can't stand seeing you go and you're such a wonderful blah, blah, blah. So both of those things are correct. Both are correct. It's like, oh, don't worry about me.

[38:56]

I'm OK. Oh, you hurt your elbow? Oh, don't worry about me. It's OK. So you should be concerned about the elbow. But I'd say, oh, don't worry. It's nothing. Is there some delusion in that feeling of looking no no no not but it is delusion but it's it's it's uh also truth so there's truth in our delusion otherwise we couldn't live our life at all see we live this life of delusion we do But embedded in that life of delusion is the life of truth. So we have to find the truth within the delusion. That's actually, that's a good point, really good point.

[40:02]

That's really what our life is about, is finding the truth within the delusion. Finding the pearl within the dung heap, so to speak. It seems to me that the expression, the particularity of love is not... Which expression? The particularity of love I feel for someone is not a constant anyway. That if it really is a particularity of love, it's a changing thing. It's our connection with things, and we call it love.

[41:17]

But what is it that we're in love with? That's another good question. Are we in love with the eyebrows, or are we in love with the lips? We can be in love with various things. The whole person, and then the person disappears. And then what? The person is gone. Then what are we in love with? The memory. So, there's love of particularity, but then there's just love. period. There's life of particularity and then there's just life, period. So as we identify with the particulars, this is illusion, illusory, but when we identify with love, I mean with just love itself, That can't be lost.

[42:28]

Just about a year ago, when my mother-in-law was dying, I went to see Maylee about that and asked her about these exact questions. She said that when a baby is born to a mother, the intention of the mother is nothing but love to the baby and just complete wishes for everything good for the baby. But then necessarily, she said, as we live together, live our lives together, the relationship changes, it's polluted. It's just how it happens. But she said that when things are very fortunate, at the end of life, all the pollution and the karma is burned away. And there's nothing left but the same original feeling of the purity of love, just the intention of wanting nothing but good between mother and child.

[43:33]

And so I think that she might have said the particularity of love is all that's left. It is what's left. Well, I guess the words are... Something like that. I don't know. You know, if we have love in our heart, if love is like our mode, then it's expressed to everything. It's not expressed to just something in particular. It is expressed for and with particulars, but not just for and with particulars. So it's a broad blanket and it's what connects us with everything. But the pollution is what covers it up. That's right. So often at the end of one's life, the children come back, the old friends come back, and you wipe out all the pollution.

[44:35]

And then there's just that purity at the end. Hopefully. Not always, but hopefully. And that's like seeing through the illusions seeing through the illusions. And that's really necessary. And I think that's what people hope for. And I think there's some people who have some kind of karma with Meili that they would like to clear up, and it's hard to do that. But it can be done. without actually being with the person. I had a kind of polluted relationship with my parents and had almost no contact with them for 20, 30 years, 20 years.

[45:41]

And then one night I had a dream And in the dream, there was total reconciliation that we'd never had during my lifetime with them. They were already, they were still alive. And in that dream, it was just so vivid, you know. Everyone was, the whole slate was wiped clean. And there was only love. And that totally transformed my life. and my relationship to them. And although I never mentioned that to them, my attitude totally changed. And I realized that everything before them was just bullshit. Ellen?

[47:10]

Ellen? Yeah, I know. I'm just thinking about Meili as a teacher and how... You talked about this being a refinement. How all of us, in some way, have been transformed by our teachers and many of us by Meili in particular. I guess I'm just thinking about the way in which Meili is now a part of me because of how my understanding of myself and the world has changed from talking with her.

[48:15]

And that gives me some solace. Yeah. I just want to say one more thing before we end. And I say this often, you know, At the end of our life, we have to decide what it is that we trust, because where am I going? What's going to happen? Some of us are faith types and some of us are doubters. but without having some specific thing to have faith in, to just have faith that what it is that created this person is also taking care of this person. I think that's fundamental faith, you know, because we don't know what's

[49:28]

what happens out of the dissolution of the body, there's fear. You know, we're standing on this world, on this earth, feeling somewhat secure, but it's not. But there has to be something that we trust. And I think it's important to just trust the process. Tomorrow morning at 5.40, Monday. Monday morning, I'm sorry. Zazen, and then we have an opportunity for people to express whatever they want to express to each other about this Hameli.

[50:30]

So if you're interested in coming tomorrow morning to do that, you're welcome. Monday morning.

[50:39]

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