Real Choice in Limitless Love

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Well, it's nice to see all of you from this perspective again, once again. I wanted to talk this morning about, oh, and by the way, Jerry, could you tell me when there's about 10 minutes to go? Thank you. I wanted to talk this morning about the four immeasurable minds, or Brahma, Viharas, the abodes of Brahma, which I think are really indispensable aspects of our everyday practice. And I'm interested in how these qualities of mind can be of benefit to us in everyday life, and in particular, how we engage with them when we're thinking about perhaps changing one of our habits. So what are these qualities? What are the immeasurable minds?

[01:00]

They're known as love or maitri, kind of fearless friendliness and care, compassion or karuna, the capacity to see another as yourself, joy or in Sanskrit mudita, a boundless peaceful well-being, kind of like a great waterfall. And equanimity, or upeksha, even-mindedness, or the wisdom of equality. One of the reasons why I became interested in these recently is I began to think about, or I don't know how it came up exactly, but He began to tell me something about, in a way that I hadn't understood before, about the enlightenment of Shakyamuni Buddha.

[02:02]

This story, as you know, Shakyamuni sat down to find the truth and to not move until he found the truth. And in In the process of that, Mara appears, some resistance appears. So the question I've always had is the story about how at first Mara, the evil one so to speak, attempts to intimidate the Buddha by force, by attacking with great armies, with spears and arrows, and all of these things turn into flowers and settle down in a great pattern of beauty. And I kept asking myself, now, how is it that these attacking forces transform into flowers?

[03:04]

You know, it's a little bit, the metaphor that's been handed down to us is sort of personalized in a way that we aren't used to doing these days. We think in kind of more psychological terms, but still there's something about this metaphor which I've found For years I've kind of just sort of, yeah, right, that makes sense. But now I ask myself, how is that? Because, in fact, on a regular basis we engage in some sincere practice and we find some resistance, various things come up that we didn't expect or perhaps we did expect but we're hoping wouldn't come up. So, how is it that we find ourselves surprised when we sit down and then lots of different things appear?

[04:14]

So, I'm thinking now that the story of Shakyamuni Buddha's enlightenment is really a story about our everyday practice. And so, because, you know, nowadays we don't call it maro, we think about small mind or our ego or monkey mind, the thing that seems to get in the way of us just seeing things, being with things as it is. And it seems to come up when we are engaging in some what we think of as some wholesome activity, some sincere attempt to just be here, something else comes up. And what are these things? Well, you know, it's just us, actually. But anyway, we'll go on here. So, the four Brahma Viharas, or limitless minds,

[05:25]

And I'd like to say something about that name, as it's translated to Limitless Minds, which is that evoking them is in some sense evoking a sense of wholeness in ourselves, because they are not limited. something I want just for this moment. There is something I want. I want a kind of unobstructed sense of completeness. So that's, I think, a useful way to consider them. And so we can relate to these ideas in a variety of ways. One is just a kind of benchmark.

[06:29]

We can ask in what way love or compassion is alive in us in this moment or not. We can kind of reflect on that. We can think of these limited Let me back up a little bit. We can... We can think of... We can use different language if we want. We can think of them as just trust, sort of a boundless trust. Not necessarily, for instance, love as unconditional love, but as something with eyes wide open, a sort of unobstructed seeing of the truth.

[07:39]

And it's also possible to view these as practices in response to some habitual behavior or some experience that you're struggling with. And what do I mean by practice? I don't necessarily mean, I don't mean a kind of putting something on top of your experience, like I'm confused, I'm agitated, I'm going to kind of do equanimity. What I mean is something more like a remembering of these, a sort of bodily remembering of these qualities. Something similar to the traditional practice of the recollection of the Buddha.

[08:42]

Remembering that these are part of you and thereby, in that way, can come alive in that moment. bringing them into being in your actual experience. And also, they can be seen as descriptive of just qualities of our Buddha nature, our fundamental mind, and that they will naturally manifest when we stop interfering and just resume Big Mind. So I want to say a little bit more about these qualities as well. So often love or maitri is translated as loving kindness or

[09:49]

sympathetic joy, not sympathetic joy, but just loving kindness. Thich Nhat Hanh is interesting. I was reading in his book, The Heart of Buddhist Wisdom, his little essay on the four Brahman and the Haras. He says, you know, love is a It's more straightforward just to say love. Loving kindness is an idea which is too complicated. And so I like the word love. And I think of it in this context as a quality of fearlessness and honest seeing of what actually is, seeing and hearing of what actually is, a sort of, as I said before, kind of more like an eyes wide open activity, which is, which doesn't sort of, it's not, for some reason I don't like the word unconditional love.

[11:03]

the phrase, that phrase, because it seems like somehow it's skipping over something. So I want to evoke something more like a complete ceding and acceptance, but with complete honesty as well. Compassion or Karuna. is really the capacity, as I mentioned, to see others as yourself. And to not see... And that sometimes can be challenging, because not all others are people that we can see as ourself very easily. And joy is something about appreciating the awesomeness of the beauty of things as it is.

[12:16]

Just things are the way they are. There's something just overwhelmingly beautiful about just that. And equanimity is a deep flexibility and balance, whatever the circumstances might be. So, the reason I'm curious about how these qualities relate when we're engaging with a habit we might want to change in ourselves is, or a a pattern of social organization that we might want to change in our community or in our society, is the... is the... the challenge that comes up when you're trying to do something which we found which is sort of ingrained.

[13:25]

So you might want to ask, what is a habit? The... habit would be a pattern of behavior we choose to establish by repetitious action. And while often there are many, many things that we do as habits which we choose to do, we learn them, we embody them, and they're very helpful and efficient. And then at the same time, we tend to lose consciousness of how we did that, what that means. Sometimes there's a In the Svāstivāda and Abhidharma, there's a classification of all the mental and physical factors, and one section of that is known as rūpa, or form, which includes sense objects and sense faculties, and includes a dharma called non-cognizable form, or abhijñāti rūpa, which is the kinds of things like skills, like

[14:26]

knowing how to ride a bicycle or cutting vegetables with a sharp knife or whatever. These are the things that we learn and then seem to be invisible to us. One of the questions that occurred to me while I was thinking about this is, you know, we often have a ideas about what are good and what are bad habits, and I ask myself, well, are there really any good habits? Because sometimes something which seems like a good habit, like brushing your teeth, you might become obsessive about it, or in some way feel like you are, kind of don't have any choice about it, that you have to do it now. Maybe sometimes it's good to break a good habit, just to remind yourself that you're actually choosing to do this.

[15:34]

But that points out an interesting way in which we think about good and bad when it comes to habitual behavior, because so-called bad habits, I think, are often established through a kind of lack of choice. they may be kind of, sometimes we experience them as kind of a pseudo-choice that's set up in the face of not really having any real choice. That often flows from a kind of, or can flow from a kind of the stress or chronic stress of not having choice. And so we try to do something that gives us a sense of choice, but it doesn't really create the outcome we want.

[16:43]

For instance, I worry a lot, and I think that it's important to worry, because otherwise things won't turn out the way I want them to. But in fact, it's always kind of disappointing that things never turn out the way I want them to, or they turn out just fine most of the time. But I think of that as it would be a habit worth changing. And also I know that there is a voice in me that will say, you really should pay attention to this, you really should be thinking about this more. But I don't want to let that go. So another layer of this I want to illustrate by talking about one of the traditional ways of thinking about the practice of Maitri or loving kindness or love.

[18:14]

One of the ways it's broken down is you start with yourself. you know, if you can't love yourself, who else are you going to love? And then, you know, when you've been able to feel some sense of connection with yourself through love, then you may try this with a friend, thinking of a friend, someone who you feel safe with. And how is that, someone other than yourself? And then you may consider someone who, you don't have any particularly strong, someone different, but you don't have a particularly strong reaction to one way or the other. And then the traditional teachings are that if you really are ready to advance to another higher level, you turn on the TV.

[19:25]

Just kidding. Don't turn on the TV. Or maybe be with some friends when you turn on the TV. And then at the latter, at the next step would be to consider all beings. As we say, we constantly And today we'll repeat it again. One of the Bodhisattva vows is, Beings are innumerable, I vow to save them. And why this is really different from the other stages of the practice of Maitri, is this is where you leave off deciding which beings you're going to save. Just whatever shows up. This being, this being, this being. Forever. So that's a that's a that's a qualitative difference.

[20:30]

It's I was it seemed a little ironic to me when I was reading this list of stages that. I just wonder whether or not the first stage where you direct love toward yourself, maybe this is really the most difficult. It's... There's a lot... There's a lot to self-acceptance. It goes as deep and wide as saving all beings in any way you might conceive of it. And so... You really have to start small, but it's curious to consider that the direction of the limitless mind goes both outward and inward.

[21:42]

Now, one of the aspects of changing habits is how much support we need from each other to do anything effective in that regard. Often we can kind of substitute a strategy, I'm going to eat apples instead of cake. We can do something which we want to change, something specific we would like it to be able to stay with that. And it can kind of work until something difficult comes up in our lives. Someone close to us gets sick. You know, a relative dies. Then we kind of get thrown off our game. Which is one reason why having the support of a community is is crucial to being able to maintain our intention, to be able to come back to and resume our intention as we practice.

[23:03]

And there's lots of communities like this. This is one. I was hearing a story about someone who was involved in AA who showed up and, you know, kept showing up and just didn't quite get it, you know. Why am I hanging out with a bunch of drunks? And at a certain point, you know, at the end of the meeting, you know, someone says, well, can a couple of people stay behind and fold up the chairs? And he realized at that moment when he stepped forward to fold up the chairs, oh, I know why I'm here. That committing to being with these people was gonna help him stay sober.

[24:08]

We have a moment like that coming up very soon. But that's also the, kind of support that we have for each other in practice. We show up here, we see each other showing up to do something we don't know how to do, that we're determined that we're going to keep coming back and keep showing up. And that just enables us to show up for ourselves on the cushion daily, throughout our day, crossing the street, vacuuming, whatever it is, having that touchstone of other people engaged in this intention to, what is it we're doing?

[25:17]

having engaged in the intention of not knowing what we're doing, and yet continuing. So, our experience of the kind of resistance we encounter in ourselves, or if we're engaged in a an activity in the world, or in our Sangha, and we encounter those with differing views, how are we to meet that? And so I find that the Four Immeasurable Minds, the Brahma Viharas, are our aid, our our support to meet resistance in ourselves or others with love, compassion, fearlessness, equanimity, and joy in all of it.

[26:43]

And that the, in some ways you consider the the difficulties we encounter as our own way-seeking mind wanting to be known and just knocking on the door requesting an audience hoping we won't resist more because it just makes them knock louder and having to be able to meet that with kindness whether it's in our own minds or in our own community or society, to meet it with kindness is the way forward, not backing down, not pushing away, just presence, sincere presence.

[27:49]

So, I just want to say again how important these are to me in everyday practice, because they seem to be a way to quench the fires of fear and anxiety and water the seeds of trust. And I don't know how far we are along, but... You've got like seven or eight minutes. Seven or eight? Actually more than that. We've got all together. Yeah. I think at this point I'm going to stop holding forth and I would like to invite your questions and suggestions. unconditioned so much.

[29:00]

And I can understand why. But I think that unconditioned is actually the most important thing. Because it's not dependent on conditions. It's not dependent on anything. It's simply a state of being, which is called the universe. So, it's not one of the many things that we... Aspects of our love and hate and so forth, those are all conditioned. Is it evoked by the term limitless minds? Yeah, limitless. This is the glue that holds everything together. So it's not even mind, it's just what we are. Or is it the complete absence of glue? It includes delusion, it includes everything. Well, I wonder if you could say something about the aspect of the Brahmaviharas that is about relationality.

[30:13]

You were speaking of it largely as an internal practice, but supposing one erases the boundary between internal and external, each one of those practices implies like How do we relate to others? Often the translation of mudita is sympathetic joy, which really is a whole different twist than joy. But you can look at all of them. Yes, of course. So while I made reference to other contexts, the main emphasis was on the internal experience, but in fact an everyday experience when we are having a difficult conversation with somebody. Where do we bring, how do we bring those qualities to that conversation?

[31:17]

And so part of that is creating a kind of spaciousness in the exchange, which allows for all, everything to be present. Sometimes when we're talking with one another and it starts to get a little hot or we get a little excited, we'll find ourselves jumping in and cutting off someone's expression. And then we pay for that later. Or we find out later that the person didn't really feel heard. Or likewise, what happens when we are interrupted by someone's expression, which they feel is very important, and it's clear they want to be heard, but yet we find ourselves not continuing.

[32:23]

Where do we return how do we stay engaged and not, especially when there is an impulse to sort of back down, how do we stay present with whatever is being said and allow and make space for our own expression in that. So part of that is compassion. Part of that is love. I want to offer the truth. And it's alive in me and I want you to hear this. How can I offer that in a way which is most likely to be accepted or heard?

[33:31]

And equanimity plays a huge role in finding that balance and flexibility to stay in dialogue in a harmonious way. without necessarily by, and also by just being able to not react to in this example, not react to others' words, but perhaps find your response, your truthful response. Sometimes it's hard to find that truthful response, which is in a way something someone else can hear.

[34:43]

Then maybe a sense of how's the quality of love come into that response. It's helpful. So there's a lot more to be said about that and I think the context to be considered as well, it goes everywhere, it goes to social action, it goes to endeavors in the world, in your workplace, all sorts of situations where there is you are bringing something of value to the situation and expressing yourself as best you can and there is apparent resistance to the idea or the way you're talking or something like that. And how do you meet that in a way that allows everyone to move forward together? Yes?

[35:48]

I had a very strange, or maybe not so strange, experience this morning about 7.15, someone knocked on my door. And when you said the phrase today, someone knocking on your door, he was knocking and asking for money. And I don't know how he found my apartment around the back and this side hidden in the trees and everything else, but he did. And my true response was, I haven't worked since I got to Berkeley. I've got $60 on my counter, I have to get 40% of the city to pay for my rent of their room to teach Tai Chi. I can't give this guy any money, but we talked about his mother, and we talked about that she was actually safe and sound, and that I, the reason he could see me in the neighborhood and knew who I was, was because I wasn't working. And he, oh yeah, I get that, I guess. But I really was ready to go and take some of the Tai Chi money and just give it to him, because I was afraid to have a problem with my neighborhood. I don't really know. I was afraid to be honest with this guy, And I probably would have blocked it up more. We left a little bit more friendly because I had to spend some time with him instead of just giving him the money and get over with it.

[36:54]

And when you said that, I was like, wow, I'm not so ashamed of not giving him money. It was my kind of truth. So yeah, there's no right answer. But there is an answer. And we carried on, begging your pardon, we were able to carry on the peace together. You opened up your talk with a query wondering how did the Buddha turn Mara's distractions into flowers. And I wonder when you've encountered either in business relationships, family relationships, or what have you, when there's dissonance and it gets resolved, do you feel that flowers are falling? Oh, yes.

[37:56]

It's inconceivable how it happens. That's what's got my attention. Yes? This is a wonderful talk. I think of how often I anticipate difficulties and conversations with people. when there's no difficulty. And I wonder if I can walk, you know, the Wednesday, the Metta. About approaching with, I can't remember, but openness. That's one of my big practices. I wonder if I can imagine flowers falling and just kind of rule out the anticipation of more. Whatever it takes. Mara's very clever. Mara's very clever.

[38:59]

Yeah, you know, you should really worry about this, you know. It's going to get difficult. Trust me. Trust me. Anyway, thank you. Yeah, I worry about things too. I come to conversations assuming it's going to be bad. And it is. So, yes, cultivating an attitude of trust is really extremely helpful most of the time. Are we about at the end of our time? You have a couple more minutes. Yes? Could you say a little bit about fearlessness? Fearlessness. It's connected intimately with love because fearlessness is sort of a manifestation of... Well, I'd say fear is a... I'm not talking about the kind of fear that you would reasonably feel in certain kinds of circumstances.

[40:35]

I'm talking about the sort of irrational, self-constructed kind of fear, is based on the conviction that I can't, you know, I'm not worthy, this is too much of a risk. It's a kind of disconnection from what I really care about. So, focusing on love in the sense of what really matters to me. creates a willingness to deal with whatever happens down the road and a kind of trust that you can deal with whatever happens down the road. So fearlessness is kind of based on a sort of wider attitude of trust.

[41:42]

Not unreasonable fearlessness, but eyes open. I don't know if that helps. Thank you very much.

[41:58]

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