Yeah, it's great to have you. Thank you, Raul. Thank you, Mary Beth, for helping me in. Let's see. It feels wonderful to be here. And I'm very nervous. very nervous right now, and really just wanting to connect with everyone. And I've spent many years here at the Berkeley Zendo, about 20 years, before I pulled up stakes and moved out to Pleasant Hill and started my own place, kind of graduation, in a way. I've been very happy out there and practice with another wonderful group of sincere practitioners of this particular tradition, the Soto Zen tradition.

[02:14]

So I'm going to give the Dharma talk today. And I'm going to first read a little story from Refining Your Life. Then I'm going to tell a couple of stories of my own. Then I'm going to read a long list to you. Then I'll talk about the list a little bit. Then I'll read a poem. And then I'll end with an excerpt from Master Hong Zhuo, who's one of my favorite Zen masters. He's from the 12th century. But I'm just letting you know that's what the plan is. But sometimes I get... I don't like to read from notes, so my notes are incomprehensible. So I'll just speak extemporaneously and try to stick to the plan.

[03:24]

But sometimes I get lost. If I get lost, I just want you to know that the point of my Dharma talk today is to let you know that I care about you and I care about your practice. And part of my role in the world is to watch over people like you. and make sure you don't get too lost. So anybody wearing a robe like this or even a small robe is charged with watching over people like you. So I'm here if anybody has any questions or concerns ever and though you might have a Dharma teacher or a practice leader I'm here if you need me. So feel free. I will try to do that over here.

[04:29]

Okay. Oh, thank you, Paul. So I've looked at this story influenced, so we all have these kind of aha moments. And when I read this from this book, Refining Your Life, I had one of those aha moments. When I was at Mount Tiantang, a monk called Lu from Qingwan Fu was serving as Tenzo. One day after the noon meal, I was walking to another building within the complex when I noticed Lou drawing mushrooms in the sun in front of the butsu-den. He carried a bamboo stick but had no hat on his head. The sun's rays beat down so harshly that the tiles along the walk burned one's feet.

[05:34]

Lou worked hard and was covered with sweat. I could not help but feel the work was too much of a strain for him. His back was a bow drawn taut. His long eyebrows were crane white. I approached and asked his age. He replied he was 68 years old. Then I went on to ask him why he never used any assistance. He answered, other people are not me. You are right, I said. I can see that your work is the activity of the Buddhadharma. But why are you working so hard in this scorching sun? He replied, if I do not do it now, when else can I do it? So two other aha moments I had were

[06:36]

One in my friend's bathroom where he had a little picture and a little watercolor and on it it said, practice are the details of my life. Over and over again around in a spiral. Practice is the details of my life. And I would sit there looking at this little watercolor, maybe like, everything okay in there? And I returned to it often. And at the time, I didn't quite understand it, but I fully understand it, or as much as I can. I didn't understand what that meant. Another aha moment I had was when we were, a group of us, Myoan Sensei, took another group of us to Japan, and we had an audience with a Zen master, Fukushima Roshi, who has since passed on.

[07:39]

And someone said, Fukushima Roshi, if you were to reduce down Zen into a few words, what would they be? And he said, watching yourself watching yourself. So this is super duper famous, like Sojo Moshi, Zen Master in Japan, watching yourself. So that was really helpful. So what is watching yourself? What is that? What are the details of your life? What are the details of your life? Have you made time to pay attention? So, if you haven't, I've made a long list.

[08:44]

And I did time all this, so if you think I'm going on and on, watch yourself. And know that I've timed all of these, and I know that It's within the realm of fitting into this talk, but maybe I'll just get to the end of the list, and that's just the way it is. How am I relating to myself? How do I relate to the teacher? How am I relating to my family, to my friends? How am I behind the wheel of a car? Am I often irritable or do I anger easily? How are my finances? Do I fall into sloth states of mind, making excuses for not doing the things I need to do? How am I relating to objects?

[09:50]

Am I generous with myself, with money? When I'm asked for donations by Zen Center, do I just write a check or do I have to think about it? I hear a little hee hee. Do I pitch in or do I let others do it? Do I stay to the end? Do I walk people to their cars? Am I anxious? Depressed? Do I often find myself overextended, feeling resentful? Am I paranoid or suspicious? Have I learned to trust the process? Have I learned to trust people? Have I learned to trust anyone? Do I enjoy work practice?

[10:53]

Do I enjoy my work as my career? Do I give to myself? Do I follow my gut or doubt myself? What kind of environment do I live in? Does it support my practice? Who am I keeping company with? Do they support my practice? Do I lack confidence? Do I have unresolved grief? Do I have a plan? Do I have enough support? Do I put effort into zazen or do I fritter the time away? Do I have high standards and expectations of others? Am I getting enough sleep? Am I eating well? Do I find events to take pleasure in? Do I experience joy? Am I watching myself or watching others?

[12:00]

Do I like myself? Do I feel Buddha nature or is it just a concept? Do I find it difficult to focus? Can I connect with Buddha nature and others or do I get caught by the surface issues? When speaking to another person, do I listen and offer presence or wait for an opening to speak and self-reference on my own experience? Do I notice the weeds in someone's garden while ignoring my own? Am I critical and demanding? Do I think the rules don't apply to me? Am I able to experience joy? Am I often defensive? Am I able to listen deeply to others? Do I truly care about the well-being of others? Do I put people first? their feelings, their well-being before what I think I need to get done.

[13:03]

Am I holding a grudge still? What prevents me from forgiving? Am I able to show my vulnerability or do I exist to power over others? Do I use my position to help others or boss them around and feel superior? Do I help to equalize relationships with members who are brand new? Do I use my seniority to intimidate or force my way? Do I undermine the three treasures in any way? Do I undermine the teacher? Do I gossip about the members, practice leaders, and teachers? Am I filled with negative thoughts? Am I able to find ways to nourish my soul, or do I expect others to do that for me? Am I petty, inflexible, obstinate, oppositional? Do I seek guidance or feel like a special case and feel entitled?

[14:09]

Am I arrogant? Am I inclusive? Do I insert myself where I don't belong? Do I monopolize conversations? Do I stop to ask my Dharma friends, how's it going? And let them know I care. Do I know the reality of spiritual burnout and the need to step away to process from time to time? Is my behavior impeccable? Is it ethical? Is it safe or is it risky? Do I have end-of-life plans in place, a will, et cetera? Do I practice non-defensive communication? Can I practice gratitude today? Can I make time for zazen every day? Can I find my breath, posture, and take note of what's going on in my mind every day? So this is my list.

[15:17]

Everybody has everybody could use a list because we get so caught up in our lives and what we need to do and take care of and we forget about ourselves. We forget that we have this wonderful, deep practice that is a rare opportunity. It doesn't come It doesn't come everybody's way. How can I make the most of it? One thing to understand about our list is the tendency to measure and compare. I think that the greatest teaching is to remember we're watching ourselves.

[16:22]

and not other people, and to understand that other people are not me. So everybody is at a different level. I'm not sure what to call it. Everybody has been here for a different length of time. Everybody, for whatever reason, has a different understanding based on, often, their conditioning. So, everybody has a different need, a different teaching need. So, it's not up to us. This is a Lori Sanaki teaching of many years ago, and I always return to it. It's not up to us to decide or know where someone should be or how someone else should be getting over themselves or behaving or, why are they doing that?

[17:33]

Oh my God! OMG! So, our job as practitioners in a Sangha is really to walk along with our Dharma brothers and sisters wherever they are at with whatever's coming up and just know everybody's exactly where they need to be, learning what they need to learn. And I, sometimes I, you know, once a month we have our Sachine and I give a talk and I, we have our, Sangha night on Wednesday evenings and we have a little talk and we do study and sit zazen together. And sometimes I am expressing the Buddha's teaching as best as I can.

[18:36]

I think it's okay. And even people who've been around for a long time, I can see they're not quite getting it. Just not quite getting it. And that's okay. But I'm neither disappointed in myself or them, but it's just, again, it's just really interesting. I've been around for a long time and I have a lot to learn. I can't see doing it in a lifetime. The Buddha Dharma is vast. It's amazing. But I have to check myself because I think that person, of course, knows what I'm talking about because they've been here forever. They've been practicing with me forever. They've been studying Zen forever. I just assume, but they don't. And so I need to kind of come back to where they're at and walk along with them.

[19:39]

And that's what we do for each other. Wherever anybody's at, it's okay. though you might get annoyed or irritated, then you can just watch yourself over and over and wonder, wow, I'm irritated. I wonder what I'm needing or wanting right now. Maybe you just need to go home and take a nap. Maybe you need lunch. Maybe you need to go for a massage or a spa day or spend more time with your family or whatever it is. It's not about them. pretty much. This is where our world is created. It's within us. And all the Buddhist teachings are just right in here, but it takes some time to clear away that detritus of many, many moons. All this time on earth we're sort of filling ourselves up with stuff and

[20:47]

And then here we come to empty out, some of us later in life, and there's a lot of stuff to empty out, but it's all grist for the mill. And we might want to push away our difficulty, but it's our difficulty that is our best teacher. It's our difficulty we make our baby to care for, our king, our teacher, you know, just like we devote ourselves to the practice. We devote ourselves to our difficulty and offer incense or fragrance and do some bows. Say, whoa, damn, this is so hard. Okay, I'm ready. Start again. So now I'm going to read a, I think, a poem.

[21:50]

This is called Red Brocade by Naomi Shihab Nye. The Arabs used to say, when a stranger appears at your door, feed him for three days before asking who he is, where he's come from, where he's headed. That way, he'll have strength enough to answer. Or by then, you'll be such good friends, you don't care. Let's go back to that. Rice, pine nuts. Here, take the red brocade pillow. My child will serve water to your horse. No, I wasn't busy when you came. I was not preparing to be busy. That's the armor everyone put on to pretend they had a purpose in the world. I refuse to be claimed. Your plate is waiting. We'll snip some fresh mint into your tea.

[23:04]

How much time do I have left? Oh, great. I practiced here for a long time with Sojin Roshi and my cohorts, and it was wonderful here, and I learned so much, and I always say Zen practice saved my life. I was a wreck when I got here, but my exterior was, you know, pretty good, looked like good, as we call Grace and Peter. Mion Grace Sherston and her husband Peter like to say this, looks like good. But inside I was overwrought. So, one time I was doing something with Sojourn Roshi and I said, oh my gosh, I'm so nervous. He said, really? I didn't think you got nervous or something like that, or you don't look nervous. that was kind of a problem for me, because it seemed like I was the can-do person, but I was just as messed up as everybody else.

[24:16]

So we have to be careful of that, too. The exterior doesn't always match what's going on inside. So we know this, you know. We just don't know what's going on with that person we're talking to, and they're reactive or irritable. We just don't know what's going on. with them really, unless we say, hey, what's going on? Can I help you with something? What are you needing or wanting right now? So why was I telling you that story? I forget. Let me think about it for a second. Oh, then I started practicing with Yoan Grace Gerson at Emptiness Zen Do, and I had a wonderful connection with her for quite a number of years.

[25:31]

And then when I was Dharma transmitted, I was set free like a, you know, one of those little dandelions, to plant a seed somewhere, which I did. I'm an independent teacher. So I'm toiling away out there in Pleasant Hill if you'd ever like to come visit. And my practice when I met her, according to her, was do not shun people. So I had a way of, I'm, excuse me, I have to admit it, and Sojourner Roshi, in the kindest possible way, pointed this out to me, but I didn't get it. So, she has a different way. It's like, so I'm like, oh, okay, got it. So, I'm happy to say that my practice is not, do not shun people.

[26:38]

My practice these days is, let me get a swig of water here. I love you. This is from Master Hong Chiu, Cultivating the Empty Field. I just love this book. Empty and desireless, cold and thin, Simple and genuine. This is how to strike down and fold up the remaining habits of many lives. When the stains from old habits are exhausted, the original light appears, blazing through your skull. Not admitting any other matters. Vast and spacious like sky and water merging during autumn. like snow and moon having the same color. This field is without boundary, beyond direction, magnificently one entity without edge or seam.

[28:08]

Further, when you turn within and drop off everything completely, realization occurs right at the time of entirely dropping off, deliberation and discussion are 1,000 or 10,000 miles away. Still no principle is discernible. So what could there be to point to or to explain? People with the bottom of the bucket fallen out immediately find total trust. So we are told simply to realize mutual response and explore mutual response, then turn around and enter the world. Roman play in Samadhi. Every detail clearly appears before you. Sound and form, echo and shadow happen instantly without leaving traces. The outside and myself do not dominate each other, only because no perceiving of objects comes between us.

[29:16]

Only this non-perceiving encloses the empty space of the Dharma realm's majestic 10,000 forms, People with the original face should enact, should enact and fully investigate the field without neglecting a single fragment. Okay, that's what I have for you today. I will just ask you if you have any questions at this point. Yes. We love you. Thank you. Thank you. I saw you.

[30:18]

Yeah. I went to India, so I had in my mind that, what do I do? So anxious to know Indians, and then I knew someone I was going to see inside. And then I was so impressed to see them, how patient, how they accept their acceptance, So how empowered they are with the whole system they are living together. They are accepting wealthy and poor the same. They have the same feeling in the slummer places. finding the books, and still I'm there, still I'm looking who am I, so I understand when you are coming.

[31:44]

Oh good, thank goodness. It's fun. Yeah, it's very interesting. Thank you for sharing that with me, and you know, When we first come here, sometimes all we can do is tolerate. And to come to acceptance is really a beautiful thing, to come to that openness. So in our practice, you know, we hear, let go. I've never been very good at letting go, but I can't loosen my grip. I can notice and I can loosen my grip a little, little by little. So good luck on your journey with Who Am I? Jerry. Micah.

[32:45]

Hi, Jerry. I appreciate your humility and made me think of something Dogen said late in his life. And I may have the numbers wrong, but the idea, the idea He said, when I first started practicing, there were 20,000 things I didn't know. And now that I'm getting close to my death, there are 40,000 things I don't know. And so, becoming a teacher, if you're studied and practiced, there's this great humility about not knowing. On the other hand, I was thinking, listening to you, that, you know, how then can you go forth and say anything? How then can we all go forth and say anything? Stand in front of somebody and talk. And I thought, well, what you're demonstrating is probably that by actually acknowledging your own not knowing and acknowledging your own

[33:58]

mistake-making side, that you're actually, that's the strength, that's really the strength from which your teaching comes. And that makes it very powerful because you have been down there, and you faced it. So that's, I just felt like that's what I was getting at. What do you think about, how can you be a teacher then? Where does your strength come from? Both my teachers said to me, your behavior has to be impeccable. So Sojin Roshi calls it putting the snake in a bamboo tube, no wriggle room. So it helps you to transform yourself when you know you can't do that, but you do have a lot of support. I'm careful about what I say, but I just speak from the heart.

[35:08]

I don't tend to make stuff up or pretend like I know when I don't know. So sometimes I might think I know when I don't know, but then I make a mistake. But the members at Mount Diablo Zen Group let me know how I'm doing. And I'm open to their feedback. So that's another thing. being open to feedback. So when I got to Grace, I was like, you know, I don't want to hear it. And now I'm like, bring it on. Bring it. Because I want to hear it. I want to hear it. I want to heal myself. So why would I hold it off, you know? Like, let's get this over with. Like that. I noticed that on your list you had, how to bring joy into my life twice. So how do you do that?

[36:10]

I make sure that I connect with people that are important to me, my family. I spend a lot of time here and a lot of time away from my family, so that's one way that I bring joy into my life. I take Time to go to events that give me pleasure could be going to a bookstore. We don't do that anymore. It's amazing. Go to a bookstore. It's an incredible feeling just to sit down in a chair and read a paper book or go for hiking. My husband and I do tango dancing. He's a tango teacher dancer. We go backpacking. I choose now, at this time of my life, over Zazen. Like, I'll get to the Zendo and do Zazen. Like, coming here at noontime is what I'm doing now.

[37:12]

If somebody says, let's go to lunch when I'm meeting so-and-so, I'll do that. Because I need that at this time of my life. And then the whole list sort of feeds into that. I feel joyful because I've got a plan, and my life is sort of cleared out of all the stuff, you know. Yeah, so it comes easy to me. Yeah. But I was kind of born that way, too. Yeah. How about you? Same. Yeah, good. First, thanks for your teachings. I'm from China, and I'm here with Oh, hi, welcome. Wow. That's a long way to comfort my Dharma talk. There's one thing I noticed when you say I love you, you're a bit emotional.

[38:14]

When I say I love you, that is universal compassion. Included in I love you is I know you and I understand how hard it can be. I've been there. So it's kind of reunion or union, coming to union, making a connection. Human life is so amazing. There's so much to be grateful for. And in this area, at least, we live in paradise. I've had so much opportunity here and in my life. And it's moving. And I'm humbled by it. Jerry's got the striker up. One more, Bruce. No. You're like, OK, Micah. Thank you very much. One, I didn't ask permission, so that's sort of how I am.

[39:43]

I'm sorry. But Tassajara really needs our help because they had to cancel a lot of their workshops. So if you have any money, you could put it in this envelope, and I'm offering exchange today. So, but you don't have to put money in here to get this because, you know, it's free. Did you want to, did you have a question? No. Okay. Oh, there's a huge fire and they had to evacuate. So, And maybe you signed up for a workshop and it didn't happen. So I'm just suggesting maybe if you can afford it, you could just donate that money rather than asking for a refund. Thank you.

[40:45]

I'll see you at tea.

[40:45]

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