So good morning, everyone. It's great to see you all on my computer. So it's quite remarkable how our zendo expands and contracts and shapeshifts to meet the moment and meet what we're meeting in sangha. I'm needing a clock. I'm just going to get that out. I want to talk this morning about making refuge. And I want to say right at the outset what I mean by that. What I mean by that is to is to deeply connect, trying to see my notes, which is quite a practice of adaptability, which we've all been doing.

[01:15]

So bear with me for a moment to see them. So that was a great example. It's meeting and deep connection with whatever's happening without getting caught in my story of what that is. And that's something that requires this kind of adaptability that we've really been practicing during this time. And if we weren't practicing it, we wouldn't be able to be together right now. This is always true, but it can particularly feel quite visceral and poignant right now when there's a lot that's happening that's, like always, but in a particular way that's really uncertain, constantly shifting, and can bring up a lot of feelings, a lot of opinions,

[02:29]

lot of difficulty and so I'd like to talk a little bit about how deeply connecting in this moment with what's really happening and not getting caught in my story and your story or even our story because sometimes we have collective stories about what this is just really being here making refuge and each one of us is doing this in our own particular way because of our own particular reality and we're also making refuge together. In my case the story that I want to share right now is is something that I've noticed that's been coming up for me during this time of sheltering in place. I think we're about two months in now. And the story that I noticed when I became aware of it surprised me because I thought it was one of those stories that I'd worked through, you know, a combination of

[03:39]

showing up in all our forms of practice, therapy, insight, right? Returning, returning, working with these things. But lo and behold, it's returned during this time. I think it's always been there, but I've become more aware of it, which is really wanting to be seen. And what that brings up around, what do I really mean by being seen? because being seen can also bring up anxiety, not wanting to be seen. This is something that I practice with in our online format, because sometimes I really don't want that video on me, or I wanna choose one of those settings where I don't have to see myself. Have you had that experience at all, being online? Yeah. And then these variety of ways that we can shift who we are, we can put a placeholder name in our little box of reality, or maybe we spend some time and we find a really cool profile photo, whether that's a face or maybe it's your altar or some other photo.

[05:05]

um some of us are dialing in so it's just a phone number unless you rename yourself and these are all ways of being seen or not being seen and for me being seen played out a lot in terms of my work so i'm trained if you will professionally as a healthcare chaplain And I have worked as such pretty continuously, but in recent years, only part-time for a variety of reasons. And pretty much my main gig to pay the bills has been administrative work, which is something that I never planned on. It has never particularly felt like a great passion. And a lot of us in the Zendo at various times or in various places who dip our toes in the water of administrative work

[06:11]

are some of us really gravitate to it and some of us really don't. We'd rather not be doing it. And so I wouldn't say exactly I would rather not be doing it in all contexts, but it has brought up this thing for me around that in that role, in my most recent administrative job, really had this thing coming up around not being seen and really wanting to be seen or at least that's the story i was telling myself so fast forward uh and i find out during this time just a couple weeks ago now that i'm being laid off like many many many many many people during this time because of financial losses due to this COVID-19 time and I was laid off pretty suddenly and so the next thing I'm doing is to go on the unemployment site to what's called file a claim for unemployment

[07:32]

And in my case, it's not a new claim because it turns out about nine months ago, I was laid off from another administrative job also because of financial loss issues. And also in that setting, I think looking back, this thing around being seamless coming up. So the upshot of that is that when I went to the unemployment site to apply for unemployment, it said, reopen your claim, click here to reopen because it stays open for a year from when you first apply. So good. So I clicked to reopen and I fill out everything and at the end, they get a screen that says, thank you, your request to reopen your claim has been received. And I go, okay, at least I got that down. And I come back a few days later to see what might be happening with it. And it no longer says your request has been received. It says reopen your claim. In other words, it didn't take, or so it appears. So I had to go through it all over again.

[08:34]

And when you call on the phone, it seems impossible to find an actual live person to talk to. So again, I go through this and I fill out an online form to check in what's going on. And again, it says, I fill it out, it says your request has been received for unemployment. And I check back the next day, it still says that the next day, but then a few days later, about a week later, it says, reopen your claim. So a third time I do this, and I'm thinking to myself, I really don't. We'll see. And there's nothing, it seems, much I can do about it. Excuse me, Judy. Judy, sorry to interrupt, but someone recommended wearing headphones or turning down your input the microphone and that might improve things okay thank you is that any better somebody give a thumbs up no okay I'm seeing well this is great I'm seeing a mix of thumbs up if you can hear Judy better now okay well

[10:05]

Let's see what we can do. I'll go get a headset. Thank you for making refuge. How's that? Oh, I'm seeing lots of thumbs up. Great, awesome. The live teaching. Thank you, Judy. Thank you. That was a beautiful example of our partnership in making refuge. The live moment. So back to my story.

[11:08]

In the midst of all this, losing that job, I started volunteering as a chaplain at a, uh, with, uh, a New York city hospital to serve as a chaplain visiting with patients with COVID with the virus by the phone. And You know, it's funny as I'm talking to you, I realize I need to look at the camera, right, for you to see me head on, but I'm also trying to look at my notes and I'm looking at all of you, you know, as I would in the physical zendo. So this is quite an interesting moment. And the thing about calling these people who are living with this virus, where all you have to connect, right, like this headset, is just that phone.

[12:17]

Life gets very real, very fast. And I have this sheet of names with phone numbers and rooms, and I'm calling them, and most of them, it rings and rings and rings, and you put on the form, did not answer. and you go to the next one, and it rings and rings and rings, and you did not answer. And what happened for me is that as I was going through that process, I realized, and you could call it imagination, but I was really touching into what's going on for that person right now that they're not picking up. I had seen Various reports about what's going on. I Could imagine but I didn't really know and what I realized is I was beginning to really connect With myself with the person on the other end and Then I'd call and somebody would pick up And it was amazing

[13:33]

It was instant connection. It was instantly being real because the thing about being faced with you don't know if you're going to make it and maybe you do make it, but you don't know what's coming. You don't even know how to feel about what's just happened and what's happening right now. And so what I notice is whatever people are sharing, it's very deep, it's very meaningful, it's very real. There's sort of no extra stuff happening. And I realized as I was doing this, even though I couldn't see, right, couldn't physically see the person, I felt seen, and just as importantly, maybe more so, that I was really seeing, that I was deeply tuned in to this shared moment that we were embodying, actually a body, a whole body together.

[14:52]

And that was a moment of making refuge. And somebody might ask, well, what's the difference between taking refuge or going for refuge or these ways that we phrase it? Well, really nothing, because language is adaptable. It's really about the tone and the heart and the, how to say it, the 100% in it. So making refuge is that steady showing up moment after moment after moment to really be in deep connection or I think Hozon when he was asked some months ago you know does Zen ever talk about love and he offered because love can be spun in a lot of ways that we're in deep connection

[16:01]

And I really feel that it's very, it's very clear. So that's the story. And you know, there's a moment of really seeing through it. And during this time when We haven't been we have we have a couple we have a few opportunities during the week to actually chant together in this In this zendo format And and at the same time my body really remembers that chanting the heart sutra every day so chanting the heart sutra every day and maybe some of you are too or even if we don't think we're chanting the heart sutra it's just it's it's it's flowing through us it's our heartbeat actually and there's this line in the heart sutra of avalokiteshvara you know in our translation I think it goes when practicing deep prajnaparamita clearly saw dot [...] and there are many translations

[17:25]

one thing i i realized during this time is how avalokiteshvara you know one of the expressions of avalokiteshvara is all these hands and in each hand there's an eye And it's often spun as Avalokiteshvara has these ways to respond, to hear first of all, to be listening deeply, or even hearing with those eyes, seeing with the heart, the cries of the world. But what I realized is I was talking to these people, coping with COVID, was that those arms those ever shifting arms and hands and eyes are actually all our different realities you know kind of like all our little boxes here so we're expressing that prajnaparamita however you want to hear that

[18:40]

Some people say it's wisdom beyond wisdom. We actually don't translate it so that we can really be with what is that as we study together, what that is. Well, amazingly, at the same time that we're doing this right now, there's something happening called Genzo-A. which is taught by, well I would call him a world treasure, Shakyakumara, from his temple in Indiana, Senshin-ji. And a few times a year he teaches this thing called Genzo-e, which is studying Dogen and Shogo Genzo, different parts of it. That's happening right now.

[19:43]

And I'm fortunate that I'm participating in that by Zoom. And wouldn't you know it, this morning he blew my mind open. I'm not alone, 90 people in that room. But I wanted to share something that I heard him say about all this, which is that he said, that in the Maka Hanya Haramita, the Japanese version of the Heart Sutra, the subject and object gets switched. So the emphasis isn't on Avalokiteshvara practicing, clearly seeing. It's really about the whole body. or you could say time, or you could say this moment. And so the way he said, the way we could say this is that the whole body is practicing and clearly seeing with interconnectedness the emptiness of, say, our story, my story, your story.

[21:04]

Or we could say, And we touch into something that's quite different than who you or I or even we collectively think our life is. And rather we express it. And that's what those arms are all about, is ways to express that, then meet the particularity of the particular reality we're living in. Because we are living in vastly different realities. whether it's because of disparities of wealth distribution, say, in this country, if we're talking on that scale, or white supremacy as a big part of the legacy and how that impacts who gets healthcare or who lives or dies if the police show up.

[22:07]

or gender fluidity or sexual orientation. We could name many particulars that actually impact our reality and also give us an opportunity to really express our unique reality in a way that really touches deeply into the shared reality of What do we call that? We could call that making refuge. Suzuki Roshi called it interdependency, which is really very marvelous because one of the things that our teachers who came here to meet a new culture, a new language, they made up words. And we actually have that freedom, or phrases, like making refuge. how we translate, how we express the Dharma.

[23:13]

And so, you know, what I'm wondering is how all of this shows up for you right now. You know, the reality that you're actually living and the, if you will, the wisdom, the compassion that you're expressing the ways that maybe your story plays out and what helps you to really deepen connection and see it for what it is really an opportunity to deeply connect with what's real and that you know and all that shape-shifting like we've been doing in this time of great adaptability to stay connected is both many realities and one reality and you know not two not one and what includes not two and not one how do we get

[24:36]

beyond the story while maintaining the integrity of what the story shines light on. Because it seems to me that that's the opportunity of this time of sheltering in place. It's really that shelter is really a refuge. And just like any shelter that you have to put together and that falls apart, put it together again. That's why it's practice. Somebody said to me at the beginning of this whole time, months ago, you know, it feels like the whole world is in a practice period. And this is actually the time that our Sangha would have been in a practice period. So maybe we are. Time of intensified practice of making refuge. So now we have some time for some conversation around this.

[25:39]

And as we move into that, I just want to invite you, invite all of us, just to check in with your body right now. We've been sitting a while, so if you need to adjust your posture for a moment. And just returning to the breath, Ask yourself, really look deeply. What's my reality right now? What's real? What's up for me right now? Maybe in that, what's the story that I'm telling myself about it, if there is one? And in that, what would be important to share about that?

[26:45]

There would be some way for you of deeply connecting with yourself and in Sangha, with everyone here. Just take a moment to touch into that. and this is the freedom that we have to really pause to really feel the whole body the whole body of everyone here and of everyone everywhere so I want to invite us as we go into a conversation now to slow down that process a little and for a purpose, which is that I really want to encourage those of us who don't usually speak when we get together this way.

[28:03]

And there are a lot of reasons for it. I don't know about you, but despite the fact that I'm the talking head right now, I have a lot of anxiety that comes up when the spotlight's on me, or so I think. Or when I can feel something turning in there, but I don't quite know what my question is. So I don't really wanna raise my hand because I'm not quite sure what it is. Now for some of us, that's actually really important. We should wait until. But I think for a lot of us, That's a cause of hesitation. And I want to encourage you, if that's you, don't wait. Because part of what's happening is in our dialogue. Something is revealed. That refuge is made as we deeply connect. So Tom, our director, is going to say a little more about how we're going to

[29:09]

how we're gonna step into what we traditionally call questions Q&A, but we could call it discussion, dialogue. There are two ways that we're gonna be able to do that today. So Tom, would you let us know? Okay, thank you, Judy. So there are two ways and the two ways are first, you can click on chat at the bottom of your screen and pose your question there. And I'll keep an eye on the chat box. And the second way you can ask Judy a question is to raise your hand virtually by clicking on the participants icon at the bottom of her screen again. And I'll bring those to our speaker's attention. And I ask that you unmute yourself when Judy calls on you and also lower your hand after you're finished.

[30:20]

And we want to hear from as many voices as possible, as Judy said. So we ask that you be brief and ask no more than one follow-up question just to keep things rolling along and to include as many people as possible who'd like to speak. OK. Oh, and Tom, how much time do we have for this? Let's see. I don't have a clock handy. What time is it? Actually, I can see. It looks like we have about 10.50. So I guess we have about 15 minutes, which is good. Yeah. So great. I see. Okay, and Tom, so again, if you want to write your question in the chat, some people prefer that, and Tom will let me know what's there. Okay, so... Looks like I can see them actually, Tom, so I'm gonna just go ahead.

[31:32]

Okay, yeah, jump right in then. Yeah, okay. And just to clarify, You know, while this can seem like a one-to-one interchange, really, we're all holding this space together. So, you know, everybody listening deeply is really great. So thank you. OK, Charlotte. Would you unmute yourself? And just before Charlotte speaks, I also want to say that some of us take time to really process what's happening here. And tomorrow, we're going to have an opportunity to get together also. It's 7 o'clock.

[32:33]

We'll announce it after this. But that's going to be an opportunity also to have conversation. So we have different ways that we can do this. Yeah, Charlotte. Well, I am deeply touched by what you said, Judy, and I wanna thank you for that. And I don't actually know what my question is. What's going on is I'm just feeling a lot of different things in my body. Well, maybe they're not different. I'm feeling a lot in my body in ways that I don't necessarily usually feel. and I feel moved. And I'm thinking about the whole situation we're all in and how I have been seeing it as I immediately, when it started, saw it as a retreat, a meditation retreat. And one of the things that's happening for me is an increased awareness, not awareness, that's the wrong word, an increased sensitivity to what is going on in my purview and in my responses to that.

[33:53]

And it's difficult because sometimes it's really not something that feels comfortable or safe or anything. And it's also valuable. And I partly spoke up because I am one of the people who does not speak up. And because I'm waiting to be clear. And what I think I'm getting is the value of of this lack of clarity, of this intensity that I'm feeling. And that's what life is. I mean, when I first became involved with meditation, I read a lot of Stephen Levine, and it was really helpful to me. And this is just don't know amplified.

[34:56]

And that was very valuable for me then. And what I'm getting right now is that it's, it's still just as valuable for me now. And I think what I'm getting out of this is a greater willingness to be in that. And you have opened the door for that. And so I want to thank you. Well, I'm so glad that you spoke up. sharing your heart wisdom yeah that thing about you know I have that come up a lot as well which is the sense of well if I'm not clear but what I heard you really point to is that that sense of I'm not clear has everything to do with this not knowing and it's in the not knowing that we're actually connecting with what's real yeah So in a way, what I'm hearing you say is, why helps to hold that space open?

[36:01]

And for me today, it's you naming and claiming it. And we can really connect around that and remember how to practice with that. So thank you for sharing that. Thank you. Excuse me, Judy, we have a few questions in the chat. People with raised hands. No, please. Let's hear some of this. OK. Let's see. So it looks like 10 asks, can you say a little more about what you do when you feel like not having your video chat on? What? Can you read that one more time? Yeah, sure. This is from 10, who asks, can you say a little bit more about what you do when you feel like not having your video on during, I assume, this kind of meeting? Well, my first thought is mischief is mind comes to mind.

[37:10]

What can be happening when I turn the camera off, right? But more seriously, for me, what I've noticed is that when I don't have a profile photo, when it's just my name, I actually feel more ease because then it's sort of like when we face the wall or we face somebody's back, it's just, there's just this open space to just rest to just fall into and you have to have something so it just in this technology so it's going to be it's going to be whatever your name is or you choose your name to be but it's mostly that that that black screen And so I noticed, like, if I go into gallery view and I see a whole bunch of black screens with just names, I actually, in a certain way, feel more ease.

[38:16]

It feels more like facing the wall. So that's one of the things that comes up for me. But of course, Tan, I'm wondering what comes up for you. I don't know where you're coming in from or if you want a voice, but if anybody is dialing in, you can press star six on mic. So if you want to. I guess I can. I think for me, when I am not feeling like having my video on or Doing something that I feel is not participating fully in some way, I feel like I'm letting people down, but I'm really happy to hear your perspective on it. It helps me not feel as negative about my own moment-to-moment needs.

[39:20]

So thanks. So 10, if you don't mind, I'm wondering, what do you think that story is that you're touching into that we can really connect around, that really connects the dots? I don't know what you're asking. I also don't really feel like I have much more to share. So maybe we'll just go to the next person. OK, great. Good. Thanks. Good. So thank you, Ten, and thank you for being willing to say what's true for you in the moment, including that's enough. Yeah, thank you. It's a great koan for all of us of what it really means to, you know, say, have an idea of what it means to be fully participating, particularly when we're in this strange, new, uncharted territory of being together and finding making refuge together.

[40:20]

So David. Hi, Judy. I'm David. My question was, where did it go? I'm finding my practice shifting from unattached to attached in that it starts out with a genuine openness and then shifts to wanting to fix other people and situations and using it to try and like Jedi control everybody to get out of my way and be as minimally distractive as possible. And to get the world to kind of fall into what I want. And I guess What do you do when you realize you're doing that?

[41:22]

Let me ask you this. What's the force? The force? What is the force in that moment? You're a Jedi. Oh, oh, oh. I don't know. The force is the self-centeredness? I don't know. That's a great, great question. That's a great question for you. You know, there you are with your, well, maybe your lightsaber is not really drawn. Maybe it's just in your, yeah, it's there, right? It's pulsing. It's, you know, it has a power, but how will you use it? So what do you think is really most important when you're reaching out to that impulse to fix? What's underneath that? What is it that you're really wanting in relationship to those folks or those parts of yourself? Yeah, I think it's not as beneficial.

[42:28]

Usually it's more to minimize distraction from my own self-seeking desire Great, so we have this teaching of turning the light inward So you could imagine that you're on the receiving end right because to be a Jedi you have to first learn how to Work with the force So that you're not worked by it and then it's the same way in practice Now, how will you shine that light inwards you're doing it right now? And also how you're doing it, how we're doing it, is you're sharing it so we can meet, so we can have a moment of really feeling that. And that it's not about fixing that. It's just about really noticing it and and being gently curious about it huh so there i am distracting myself gosh what am i what am i distracting myself from and then what's going to help me to turn just a little bit towards that to shine a little light on that gently i'm not trying to push anything but just to see a little more clearly

[43:46]

That's your bodhisattva. And that's us in conversation. So I'm really glad that you shared that. Excuse me, Judy, we have like five more minutes and a number of questions in the chat box. And a few other people have raised hands. Would you like to have the next question in the chat box? Sure. Okay, Stan says, thank you, Judy. What happened with your unemployment benefits? I hope you got them. I don't know. But the funny thing is I got the, it's called a debit card that you get to take the money out with. I got that in the mail and I checked the balance. It has $0. So I'm hopefully optimistic that like millions of Americans, if we just keep checking in, which is what I'm doing with the unemployment office, that something's gonna shift.

[45:00]

Thanks for asking. Okay, there's another question that just came in. Would you like to hear it? Okay. This is from Andrea Henderson, who says, thank you, Judy. I totally identify with the desire to be seen slash heard. My struggle kept me away from BCC's online community. I just returned last week. I woke up this morning with a deep sadness to be in a physical Zendo. of deep sadness to be in a physical zendo. I'm glad that I showed up this morning. I'm still longing for the zendo, but I feel more connected knowing that I'm not alone in my feelings of being seen and heard. Practice is practice. I have no questions right now, only gratitude. Well, thank you so much. It's good to have you here. And it's really good to hear what you had to say, what you have to say, and how you said it.

[46:07]

I think many of us are grieving the loss for the moment of physically being in the same room together at the same time of holding gratitude that we can be together in this way. And You know, it's important to touch into both of those during this time, I think. And maybe what connects the dots there is practice, is love, is that that's making refuge. And Yoni, I see you have your hand up. Hi, Judy. Hey there. Thanks for your talk. Ross asked a question in the chat that really struck me and that I wanted to put forward. He asks, what's the difference between not knowing and confusion? That's sort of hits the nail on the head for something I've been dealing with constantly.

[47:10]

So I just wanted to hear your thoughts. So when you feel confusion, and also maybe now is such a moment because you asked the question, Would that be accurate to say? Are you feeling a bit confused? Not. I think a lot of my confusion has been put on the back burner for this discussion. But it's it's definitely there. It's definitely there. And it's a constant distracting force for me. Great. So that bridges. to the conversation we were just having about distraction, what distracts, and what it's distracting from. So the confusion, I don't know where you feel it in your body, like even right now, because it sounds like it's sort of like a little, it's a little river flowing, or maybe it's a little creek right now. You can sort of feel, at least that's how I'm feeling it, as a kind of gurgling. I feel it a lot in my chest.

[48:13]

Sometimes it's a hollowness in my stomach. It's just this sort of buzziness or something always there It's just the beauty is not knowing allows you to turn towards that Gently and with care because you actually don't need to know what is that? You know It's not necessarily pulling up a chair right in front of that, staring that confusion in the eye and going, dude, what are you distracting me from? Or dude, what's up? Or whatever your ways of saying that, right? It's just about being with, can I be with that energy in my body, in the room, in the world, whatever that is for you, and really just keep turning towards it and be gently curious about it, but not in a probing way, just in a gently curious way, like, huh, huh.

[49:18]

And if you do notice, you know, if your wisdom eye is seeing, huh, there's something in there about distracting myself, what am I distracting myself from? Just to be curious about that, shine a spotlight. It's not a spotlight. It's just a gentle curiosity. And then not knowing comes in. It's sort of like that lightsaber. It just shines light on whatever needs attention. And maybe, maybe just maybe it was voicing today. And also what you did and what I've seen you do, which is bring in someone else's question as your own. because that really makes refuge also. So thank you.

[50:08]

@Text_v004
@Score_JJ