But in order for us to play this game, I need you to help me. Would you like to play a game? Yeah. Okay. So, I need all of you to stand up and form a line. Okay, and stand one behind each other. Okay, of course I need to know all your names for this game, but the way we're going to do this is I want you to come up to me and you know every morning when we meditate, at the end of the meditation, if the abbot is here, Sojin stands by the door and as we go out, we go up to him and we bow to each other. So I want you to just come up to me and put your hands in gassho like this and bow and say your name and then go to the end of the line. Okay? Guglio. Guglio. Mira.

[01:03]

Mira. David. David. Okay. Now, oh, we're not done. That would be a dumb game, wouldn't it? No, we're going to play a guessing game in a moment. But before we do that, I noticed something when you bowed to me. And you know what I noticed? Each one of you had your hands in gassho a little differently. Like, one of you had your hands kind of like this, one of you had your hands kind of like this, one of you had your hands really flat together. And you know, if I just saw a picture of your hands, and if my memory was really good, I could tell which one of you it was just by looking at your hands. It's kind of cool, isn't it? You probably know that everybody has their own fingerprints. Nobody has the same, right? Everyone has different hands, too. And everyone has a different voice.

[02:05]

So I want to try a little guessing game. But in order to do this, you have to be able to say a word. And can you all say the word apple? Apple. OK. Now I need someone's help. Sue, could you help me with this? Could you stand up? OK. Now I want you to all close your eyes. OK. Now, Sue, you keep your eyes open. Sue is going to touch one of you on the head, and the person whose head is touched has to say the word apple, and the other two have to guess who it is, and say the name of the person who it is. Okay? Apple. Who is that? David. David. Yeah, that's right. Okay, close your eyes again. Apple. Who is that? That's right. Well, next one's easy, but go ahead.

[03:07]

Who is that? Leo. Leo. Good. Okay. Now sit down for just a minute. You could tell who each person was, even though you said the same word. Now, how could you do that? How could you tell who it was? Different voices. Different voices. Well, me and Mira have a lot of different voices. You have a lot of different voices, but they're all your voice, aren't they? Can you make a sentence? Go ahead and make a sentence. No, I mean the sentence in the game. We could do a sentence, but a sentence would make it easier because you'd have more to listen to. But with just one word, you can figure out who it is. You could do that. You could do that. That's true. But the thing that I find kind of interesting is you always have your own voice. You can tell who you are just with one word, just with your hands like this.

[04:24]

Now, you know this poem? You've probably heard it. When I was one, I was just begun. When I was two, I was still real new. When I was three, I was hardly me. When I was four, I was not much more. And when I was five, I was barely alive. But now I'm six, and I'm clever as clever. I think I'll stay six forever and ever. I'm going to turn seven. You're going to turn seven. I'm going to turn eight. And you're going to turn eight. So let me ask you, when you turn, and you're going to turn? Nine. Nine. So let me ask you, when you turn seven, are you going to still be you? Yeah. When you turn eight, are you going to still be you? You'll be a different you. You'll be a different flavor of you. How about you? Will you still be you? Do you know what? When you're 42, and when you're 2, and when you're 1, and when you're 31, you're always you, no matter what you do.

[05:33]

And you know this, right? This is obvious, right? Well, I have to tell you something a little sad, which is, later on when you get to be a teenager you may kind of forget this and most people when they're teenagers and then become adults they start asking this weird question who am i isn't that a weird question they're you that's right so what i want to say to you and this is an important point in buddhadharma Even if you forget this on one level, whenever you really need to remember it, I want you to remember you're you. You're you when you hit a home run and you're you when you strike out and you're you when you're good and you're you when you're bad and you're you when you're giggling and you're you when you're crying and you're you when you're raising your hand and you're you when you're not raising your hand. What is it?

[06:35]

Uh, you want to play electronics and you're not playing electronics. That's absolutely true. That is absolutely true. So, just enjoy being you. Okay? Okay. That's enough. So, I don't know if you've been aware of it, but what we were doing just now was Sutra study.

[07:38]

I want to read a little section from A. H. Dogen's Shobogenzo. This is a fascicle called Kantin Reading Sutras. And he writes, the practice and experience of supreme perfect enlightenment sometimes relies on good counselors and sometimes relies on the sutras. Good counselors means Buddhist ancestors who are totally themselves. Sutras mean sutras, which are totally themselves. Because the self is totally a Buddhist ancestor, and because the self is totally a sutra, it is like this. But even though we call it self, it is not restricted by me and you.

[08:44]

It is vivid eyes and a vivid fist. It's kind of interesting. I really like the idea of sutras as self, self as sutras. But we do get confused. And we think that myself, me, and yourself, you, are somehow other than they truly are. we get confused by our ideas of self and our ideas of who we should be and who we think we are and who we want to be and who we want the other person to be and we lose direct contact with our original nature with our true self but the sutras

[09:54]

A little later on in the fast code says, the sutras are transmitted and inscribed on trees and on rocks, are spread through fields and through villages, are expounded by moats of dust and are lectured by space. So this lecture is coming to you via space. Temple Pillar is a sutra. Zafu is a Sutra because it's you. If you think the Zafu you're sitting on is not you, you make a big mistake. Of course, if you think it's you and if you have a cough you give medicine to the Zafu, So how do we discover this self beyond me and you, this self of the Sutra?

[11:11]

A little later on in Kantian it says, unless we are clear about ourselves, however long we recite the Sutras, they'll become an enemy because of their meanings. You know, we have intellectually discursive minds, and we're always looking for meaning in the Sutra, and meaning in life. And life is not meaningless, but its meaning is nothing other than what it is, which sometimes we don't like. But if we get confused about who we are, because who we are, each of us, is only exactly what you are experiencing this moment.

[12:17]

You're completely you. When you were born, as I was saying to the kids, you're completely you. When you have a stroke and you're incapacitated and you lose all of your abilities, you're completely you. But that's not how we like to think of ourselves. We have images which get in the way. And we're actually scared of being ourselves. That's part of the problem. Towards the end of Kankin, there's a little dialogue. Great Master Kodo of Hyakusan Mountain asks, Shramanera Ko, did you get it by reading sutras or did you get it by requesting the benefit of the teaching?

[13:25]

And Koh says, I didn't get it by reading sutras and I didn't get it by requesting benefit. And the master says, well, there's a lot of people who don't read sutras. There's a lot of people who don't request benefit. Why don't they get it? And Koh says, I don't say they're without it. It's just that they do not dare to experience it directly. I mean, that's the challenge for us. Last week we ended practice period and we had a five-day session and I had signed up to be here for the last three days of the session and I had been looking forward to it for a long time. My life's pretty busy. I wanted to be here and also because Jerry The morning that I was here, I came in, I sat down, and I felt kind of sick, but you know, that happens pretty, it's not uncommon that you don't feel great in the morning.

[14:56]

And I got up and I started to do Kinhin, and I practically fell over. Then I sat back down, did a little more Zazen, and then it was time for service. And I realized that if I was going to sit here to do. So I decided to leave. And I felt sick for quite a few days thereafter. But each day I'd get up and I'd go, I really want to go to the session. I think maybe I can make it today. Or maybe I'll make it to the rehearsal. And you know, there's something in our practice which sort of goes, okay, just practice. And I was going to come into the day and I had this vision of holding the staff and giving it to Jerry and giving her my flu.

[16:01]

That's like gave her the staff. And I went, Oh, and you know, it didn't feel really bad enough to feel okay about not being here. You know, if you feel like you're just dying, you go, Oh, I can, but this was like, Oh, I maybe could. And I realized I was incredibly attached to the form of the practice of being in session. And that my practice needed to be being sick. And that's not what I wanted my practice to be. But that's what it was. Well, Let's pursue this a little further. I'm going to read a little bit from Not Always So. It's basically on the same topic.

[17:03]

In its first chapter, first sentence, Shikantaza, our zazen, is just to be ourselves. There's a Jewish story that I've always liked. I'm not sure that I have the name of the rabbi right, but let's say it's Rabbi Nachman. And he said, you know, when I die and I go before the heavenly tribunal and the judge is there and they're going to weigh my good and bad deeds, they're not going to say to me, Rabbi Nachman, why were you not Moses? They'll say to me, Rabbi Nachman, Why were you not Nachman? And that will be much more difficult to answer. And the question here is, if you're having difficulties, or if there's a Buddhist tribunal, they're not going to say to you, why were you not Sojin?

[18:10]

Why were you not Bodhidharma? Or Blanche? or whoever you put up on a teaching pedestal, or a Buddha, they'll say, well, why weren't you you? Because you can only be Buddha by being you. But it's not always so easy. So Suzuki Roshi says, Shikantaza or Zazen is just to be ourselves. When we do not expect anything, we can be ourselves. Ha! There's the rub. Not expecting anything. I was expecting a session. I was expecting three days of Zazen and all the stuff that went with it. But our way is to live fully in each moment of time. And this practice continues forever. So, living fully in each moment of time.

[19:15]

When you live completely in each moment without expecting anything, you have no idea of time. You don't want to think of time as a moment like this moment, that moment, that moment, that moment. just engage fully and time vanishes. I mean, we've all had that experience, right? We're just fully absorbed in something and someone comes along and says, okay, time to do sessions has to go. Wow, an hour's gone by or whatever. I mean, time is no longer the issue. There's a wonderful fascicle by Dogen, being time or the time being Uchi, in which he says, the self is time. It's a really good way of being intimate with who you are, is experiencing yourself as time. When you are involved in an idea of time, today, tomorrow, or next year, selfish practice begins.

[20:25]

Isn't that interesting? You start thinking of yesterday, today, tomorrow, and it's selfish practice, because then there's a separation. It's, what am I going to do today? What am I going to do tomorrow? There's me here and time there, which is not the reality of how things work. Without any idea of time, your practice goes on and on. Moment after moment, you become you yourself. I don't know if this is a language issue. I actually don't like the phrase, moment after moment, you become you yourself. I think it's moment. By moment, you manifest yourself fully.

[21:29]

As I was saying to the kids, when you're crying, you're a completely crying person. When you're sick, you're a completely sick person. In my case, when I was sick but ambivalent, I was a completely ambivalent person. Doesn't feel so complete when you're ambivalent though, does it? feel torn. How do we avoid being torn? Suzuki Roshi says the way to extend your practice is to expose yourself as you are without trying to be someone else. This is so important and I think we have a long way to go here at PCC and we have a wonderful practice here which encourages this but at the same time there seem to me to sometimes be these kind of unwritten rules of things we don't talk about and things which we don't present like

[22:50]

I remember years ago there was a person who was a resident who had a problem with anger. It was kind of hidden and it kind of exploded and the person wound up leaving. But it was really good when they finally showed their anger. That needed to happen. Now how you show it, of course, is important. But there's this sense We don't talk too much about feeling really depressed. I think a lot of people here struggle with depression, anxiety, strong sexual feelings. Sorry, they're all part of us. We start having this idea of purity. Akin Roshi has this nice gatha.

[23:53]

When I shower in the morning, I vow with all beings to wash away all thoughts of ever being pure. Why is it that we don't show ourselves fully? And actually, Suzuki Roshi goes on and says, you know, when you're very honest with yourself and brave enough, you can express yourself fully. Whatever people may think, it's all right. Just be yourself, at least for your teacher. Well, he's clearly got a sense of it's hard for us to do this. If we can't do it with each other, well, do it for your teacher. For some of us, it's harder to do with our teacher, easier to do with each other, and vice versa. But what makes it so hard? What are we scared of? All of us are more human than otherwise.

[24:59]

A phrase from Harry Stack Sullivan. We all have our... We're all Buddha and we're all Mara. And it's important to be intimate with both. Just be yourself. That is actual practice, your actual life. I think the problem we get into is with our discriminating minds, we start to think there's high and low versions of practice. There's better and worse practice. That is wrong. High practice is practice in a high place. Low practice is practice in a low place. Today, Mary Mocene, our Dharma sister, is going to have a kind of mountain seat ceremony up in Vallejo. This is wonderful. She's practicing in a high place, in her way.

[26:03]

It's wonderful. Many, many years go into that. But this morning, the kids, I was upstairs while the kids were playing, and I heard Sue saying to them, okay, here's how you do Kinyin. You put one foot there, you put one foot there, and let's pretend we're going over the threshold. So which foot do we do over the threshold? Those kids doing that were every bit as deep a practice as Mary. I mean, the problem is we start comparing ourselves with others. Um, and you know, we do it because we want approval. We're scared of rejection. We're scared. We won't like ourselves. Um, it's well, Back in the old days when you would purchase these packages and you know for X number of dollars you'd have certain number of nights in a hotel here and then you'd go to such-and-such a place and it would cover your meals and whatnot and People would always call her up and say a great deal.

[27:27]

We're going to do it But while we're in London, we know somebody we want to stay in a different hotel Can we just you know get a discount by blah blah blah and she'd have to say no no no no But they passed with her so she got the final word and And she has put in her will what she wanted put on her tombstone. And if you go to the graveyard, on her tombstone is written, life is a package deal. Well, self is a package deal. You don't get to pick and choose. You do get to choose how to modulate the stuff that you're given. But you have to start with what's given. Suzuki Roshi says, we don't know what will happen. If you fail to express yourself fully on each moment, you may regret it later.

[28:33]

Do not wait to express yourself fully. And Dogen has a lovely capping phrase. I think I'll end the talk with that. And it comes from his poem, The Point of Zazen. Realization, neither general nor particular, is effort without desire. That is my practice. Clear water all the way to the bottom, a fish swims like a fish. Vast sky, transparent throughout, a bird flies like a bird. So maybe you have some questions or yourself, it's sort of not always obvious how to do that.

[29:45]

So he said we all have anger, we all have grief, we have anxiety, we have stress, homosexual feelings and so on, maybe a few things that we might want to hide. But still, it takes some to do with those things that we are. I was just thinking, well, what if I said, Bob, I like your body. I keep thinking about having sex with you. That might be regarded as unskillful rather than presenting myself. Who is going to regard it as unskillful? Charlie, I love that.

[30:47]

We should have one of those little banners going around. Linda just asked Bob. Little pieces. It's the little comments, isn't it? It's the little editorial comments. Well, I once asked Sochin about this, and I don't think you're going to like my answer. But he said, you need to discriminate from the side of non-discrimination. When you're working with, say, sexual feelings, you need to rely on compassion and wisdom in terms of what's going to be expressed.

[31:58]

And in order to rely on those, you need to trust your true self deeply. And discrimination can emerge naturally. but we have all this conditioning which says, is that skillful? Is that not skillful? And it can drive us crazy. So one of the reasons that we do Zazen is to let, just to let go of self-centered, self-centeredness. If you were to say those things to me from a self-centered standpoint then I would have to deal with them at that standpoint.

[33:05]

But it can also bloom forth as just another expression of the Dharma. and on a more practical level you can trust your judgment on this and you can decide whether to trust my judgment on it. Does that help at all? I was bringing forth These are real. We face this question again and again and again, every month, you know, with sickness, with sex, with, well, one of the things about strong feelings like depression or sexual feelings, which is difficult is they can convince you that they are the reality and the truth of your life.

[34:26]

This is really it. I've just been fooling myself. Really, everything's worthless. All that other stuff is just bullshit. And it feels very true. And when you're sexually attracted to someone, you go, oh, obviously this is love. This is not self-centered. This is just this wonderful flowering. And, you know, it can convince you that this is really true. And I would say another touchstone would be if you get stuck in the idea that this is permanent, that's a sign that you're going astray. Because whatever it is, impermanence is The mind of... Being totally in the moment means you have to let aside other things, other distractions that are still there in some way.

[36:05]

And that you're not expressing. Choosing not to express. Yeah, expression doesn't mean just blurt out everything. It'll be sort of the 1960s, 1970s, just let it all hang out. Yes. Yes. I mean, ideally, one wants to forge an existence which is whole, so that, well, you know, I practice Qigong, some of you have a yoga practice, but whatever the physical practice is, the longer you do it, you realize that every motion uses your whole body.

[37:23]

so you might think oh this is a hand motion but my whole body goes into this in the same way your whole feelings and experience and everything is there each moment and you're trying to widen your experience enough through sasen perhaps psychotherapy you know whatever means you do to just which means expressing some things and not others. What time did we go to today? I had a slightly different schedule. 11 o'clock. Oh, I thought we were going on a later schedule. Let's do one last question then. I really liked what you were saying about feel about lately, having come out of 30 years of marriage, where some things are simply not ever expressed in a credible context.

[38:46]

And I'm new to DTC, but I experienced the Shusoku Asana as kind of a vocal moment where many connected to D.C.C. came from anywhere in the world except New York. And I was, after my days in session, more, perhaps more sensitive than I might be just coming in office for Denver anymore. But I found it very, I felt so many That felt to me like, oh, this is the same everywhere.

[39:48]

This is nothing new. Where, how do I relate to this? I feel like you've created a lovely frame in which to think about. I really appreciate it. Well, thank you. I hope... I wasn't Baptist, Shusho Hosen, and I often have a

[40:50]

the opposite experience of seeing people really bring themselves in shosan, in the shuso hosu, and really, you know, the thing they're struggling with. Yeah. Okay. But that sense of wanting approval, it's never going to go away. and it's taken me a long time to come to peace with that because it's human to want that and sometimes you'll get it and sometimes you won't and what you can trust is that whether you get that approval or not some deeper part of you the part which just asked this question and showed yourself so clearly that's the part you can trust

[41:53]

And let's all foster that in ourselves and each other. Thank you. Thank you very much.

[42:06]

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