Well, we're toward the end of our fifth day of Sashin and I think that we need to look at what we're doing. It's like we've been long Sashin like this gives us the feeling that this is our way of life, and we've always been living this way. And we start to settle in. It's like somebody doing their laundry. You know, it's like, hanging out the clothes. It's like we set sail, we're really at sea. So we have two more days, and it's true, we're right in the middle of the ocean here, of Seixin.

[01:07]

And a lot of us are seasick. But we're getting there. This time of year, you know, it's a good time of year for colds and sore throats and flu and so people are feeling a little bit, a lot of people are feeling a little bit sick in that way and I appreciate your effort, people who are, have runny noses and coughs and so forth. It makes it that much more difficult. But I think we're very determined. And that's the most important ingredient, is our determination. After five days, for older students, people who have sat sushis before, they know what to expect.

[02:20]

Even if you've sat Sashin ten times, a long Sashin can still be very grueling and very difficult, like the first time. And for a lot of people, this is your first long Sashin. And you don't know what it's like. And you just have to go on faith that we know what we're doing. You just have to believe that, well, they seem to know what they're doing. They've done it before. So we always feel very special especially good toward people who are sitting Sachine for the first time, because you've never experienced anything like it before.

[03:25]

And, you know, you don't have anything to, any way to match it or judge it with any other activity you've ever done. Even though you've done one or two days of sheen, still, it's more than that. So in a way, you know, you're groping in the dark and you can only go from moment to moment. And for older students, you know, it's like watching children do something for the first time. They're completely involved, but they don't know the outcome. They don't know it. what their parents know. But for everybody, Sashin is really the same. It's no different for you than it is for me.

[04:30]

We just sit here and we have our difficulties and our joys moments of clarity, and moments when we wonder, how do we get into this? That comes up to everybody. And when you have a particularly difficult time, someone who's been sitting in sessions for 20 years will say, how did I get into this? How did this happen to me? What am I doing here? That happens. when, even though that person knows that they'll be able to sustain themselves, that still, that kind of questioning still comes up. So, we say various things to ourselves during Sashin. You know, we have this little box full of quotations.

[05:32]

We draw quotations from the books. I won't say what they say, but... You know, we use everything in the book to get us through. Until finally we just settle into sitting. After five days, we have to settle on ourself. You just have to believe that this is our life. That's the advantage of Long Tzu Shing. You say, well, this is our life. It's like when you're born into the world, you kick and scream, and all you can do is cry. It's true. All you do is cry. And when you want something, you cry. When you're uncomfortable, you cry. Then when you grow up, you get used to the world. And once you get used to the world, you don't cry so much, you know, because it doesn't do you so much good.

[06:40]

And you just begin to live in the world. So, after five days, we should begin to actually just exist in Sachine, just live here. You know, this is it. We were born into this world, with our legs crossed. And we just have to learn how to deal with it. But during Session, you know, lots of pressure. We build up a lot of pressure when we sit day after day. Our attention is focused in such a single way, singular way, that we build up a lot of pressure, a lot of tension, emotional tension, body tension, emotional tension.

[08:01]

And you know, thoughts keep coming up, recurring thoughts, and go round and round like a phonograph record, you know. If we have some problem in our life, this problem will come up and keep going round and round in our mind. And if we have some emotional difficulty, this emotion, you know, hatred or anxiety or love or critical attitudes focus come up. And those feelings are just like our thoughts. When thoughts come up, they come in and they just roll on, just roll on and roll on. And the feelings do too. But if we hang on to the feelings, we start to get very emotional.

[09:10]

And then we start focusing that emotion on each other. We can say, that server always fills the spoon two-thirds instead of all the way when they serve. Can't stand that. But in an ordinary situation, it comes and goes. But it's like, this is your life. And all of your emotion, all of your feeling and thought is focused in this one spot. And so whatever happens in this one spot becomes very, very important. Very important. And when somebody doesn't do something, something bothers us, each time we build up a big thing. then we can see how we, if we observe ourself, we can see how we start to build up cases, how we start to build up our emotional responses and create situations to vent our emotional response.

[10:30]

So it keeps building up and building up. And if something happens, you know, to jolt us in some way, we have a kind of blowout, and our feeling just spills out all over the place. Sometimes it's in laughter. Sometimes it's in hysteria. Sometimes it's in anger. But I remember in my early sashins, when something would happen and I couldn't stop laughing. And I'd laugh so much, once you start laughing, you can't stop. So you could see how it was in motion, kind of pouring out. So it feels good, but we should try to avoid that.

[11:34]

Otherwise, you just have people having blowouts all over the place. So how do we do that energy? How do we release it? How does it work? Well, we put that energy back into sitting. So as this energy keeps being created, we keep putting it back into our sitting. So it's self-perpetuating. And when we really have a good balance, and good confidence, and an ability to sit well, then that pressure keeps, instead of dominating us, It fills us. So instead of having a feeling of being persecuted by our pain, all the feeling we have lifts us up.

[12:47]

And we feel, instead of feeling bad, we feel good. I feel okay. I feel some inexplicable feeling, some harmonious feeling. That pressure, it feels like, where's the end of it? If your legs really hurt, and they keep hurting, hurting more and more, where's the end of it? How much can it hurt? It can hurt as much as you let it. It feels like the whole universe is pressing down on my legs. The whole weight of the universe is crushing me. And it's true. Really true. The whole universe is pressing down on you.

[13:52]

Scientifically, it's 14 and a half pounds per square inch. So, what are we going to do about this? How can we exist in the universe with all this pressure? How do we equalize the pressure that's bearing down on us? How can we feel comfortable with that? It's just like we have to be able to harmonize with it. If we fight it, you know, or resist it, or try and hold it up, it'll disintegrate you. So you have to equalize the pressure in yourself, in your body and mind. You can't hang on to your anger.

[14:57]

You can't hang on to your feelings, or your thoughts, or your pain. You can't become attached to anything. You become attached. You create counter-pressures. And the universe will win every time. So, you know, as we sit, we keep shitting, you know, getting rid of the props that hold us up, until finally there's just you, your body and mind, and your breathing, and the universe, and the pain in your legs. So the only way we can exist is to give ourselves over to the universe.

[16:07]

There's nothing else to sustain you, to sustain us. We can't depend on anything. We left everything at home. We left everything there and said goodbye. That's why, you know, best way to come to Sashin is just to say goodbye to everything. And then that's, you know, Sashin is like leaving home for seven days. But when you do it, it should be leaving home forever. with that mind. And at the end of seven days you go back home. But feelings should be leaving home forever. Then you just step into it. But at the end you get to go back home.

[17:19]

It's very nice. So we just have to get to the point where there's nothing left to depend on. Then you can do that. So, first the sheen, it's hard to understand that so well. But I'm very pleased with the way everybody's sitting. And our effort is very strong. About this time, about the fifth day, as we get used to Sachine, the structure starts falling apart a little bit.

[18:31]

So we have to make some effort to pull in to tighten up our effort. Talking, you know, is a way of a kind of escape valve. You know, like blowing the whistle. The steam comes out. But we should be careful, you know, not to do that. Be careful not to just fall into conversation. It's so easy to fall into conversation. And I have to do it myself. You know, I go upstairs after, on my break, and, you know, I have to take care of the baby some part of the day. Then I have to talk to Liz, and then I talk to Ron, you know. But it's hard not to talk. But if you don't have some business, try not to talk.

[19:33]

It's not anti-social, you know. It's just that we all have this agreement, and we all know what we're doing. So that's very social. It's a very tight social pact that we have. And we agreed, we're all going to sit this session, and we're all going to do our best. And we're not going to talk. And we're not going to leave. And we're, you know, that's wonderful kind of social behavior. It's very strict and very tight. But later, you know, we have our looser social behavior. So, you know, we should try and be on time. The clappers clap, you know. Just drop our thoughts and our rest and whatever.

[20:37]

Just come into the zendo, you know. It's really good if we can all just come in. And sometimes, you know, we feel, boy, I'd sure like to take a rest, you know. But instead of doing that, just come back to the zendo. It's interesting how, unless you're really sick, unless you have some real problem, instead of taking a period out or something to rest, come into the zendo and sit. Sitting actually will be more restful. If we continuously sit, continuously, without taking unnecessary breaks, Sitting will take care of us. We have to have that kind of faith. If you do it, you'll have that kind of faith in sitting. If you can actually do it, you'll see what I mean.

[21:42]

Zazen is a very mysterious animal. One moment you'll feel so tired you don't know whether you're coming or going. In the next period you just wake up. You feel your mind is completely clear and you're completely rested and your legs don't hurt. Then the next period everything's different. You have to experience all those things. You have to go through all the steps. Sometimes a Sashin, you know, it's like your mind will be completely foreign to you, your thoughts, for the whole Sashin. You wonder, where did these thoughts come from? Where did all this stuff come from? But underneath it all,

[22:49]

Your body is sitting zazen. Suzuki Roshi used to say, you're worried about your mind, about all the stuff in your mind. But while you're worrying about your mind, your body is sitting zazen. Just let your body sit zazen and stop worrying about your mind. The main thing is to just let our body sit zazen. The stuff that goes on in your mind, just let it go on. At some point, you know, you get tired of thinking about it, and it'll stop. If you try to stop it, you'll get run over. So, this thing, you know, is to lift your head up. When you work with your body, Your body has a lot, a big effect on your mind, you know. You can see what everybody's doing by the posture.

[23:52]

I can look around the room and I see what's going on by people's posture, you know. This one. It's... So we all get into that state, you know. We all get into the state of... But we should lift up our chin and put our head back. Put your head back up. And then just sit Zazen for a while. And then you fall into some other state of mind. So the actual Zazen is returning back to Zazen. The effort. Seven days of effort is to keep returning back to Zazen, to keep pulling ourself up. We're constantly roaming around and we're pulling ourself back. We're roaming around, pulling ourself back.

[24:56]

Moment after moment. So, you know, we're trying to drive this thing. This animal, you know. We're trying to drive it. And if we fall asleep at the wheel, you know, it goes over here. And then we pull it back. And if we fall asleep again, we pull it back. So we're constantly pulling it back. So we want to stay awake and just drive. And when you can stay awake and drive, it sounds and feels pretty wonderful. Anyway, somebody described it as trip up a mountain, and it's been described like that a lot, you know, big, serious mountain climb, and you're the mountain. And you get to certain places, and they seem awfully scary, but you just have to keep going.

[26:13]

Anyway, I want to assure you that the stuff that's going through your head, Japanese call it makyo. Makyo means, doesn't mean, some people say it means delusion, delusions in your head. But it's just all the thoughts that come up, whether they're called for or not, and all of the fantasies and doubts and paranoia. The stuff that we generate, that our mind generates. So, there's a lot of times stuff comes up and it scares us. But even that stuff, everything, without exception, is called makyo.

[27:43]

If we can just sit through it, you'll understand it. The only thing that you have to worry about is what you're doing at the moment. Just try and sit. Try and not become attached to the pain in your legs. Try and let your body be loose instead of tense. Work on it. You have to work on that. You have to find your center and constantly center your body. Constantly center. Where is the center of this body? And how can I allow my legs to just exist there without grabbing, without stopping the pain in the legs?

[28:56]

Now that we have this habit, some pain comes in the legs and we go like that and we won't let it go. Have you noticed that? We want to hang on to it for dear life. We won't let it leave. I don't know why, but we do have that tendency. So we should be careful of that tendency. Tendency to say, oh, oh, there it is again. That awful thing, are you going to catch it? You know, today, at noon, I said something about our bowls, about taking our bowls and laying out our bowls.

[30:28]

I noticed how everybody was doing that very slowly. And just emotionally, I said, don't do it so slow. Do it like this. But it felt good to me to do that, you know. I was letting off a little steam. But I also felt that, you know, at some point we start moving in slow motion and we start spacing out, you know. At this point, we should be careful not to let everything just drift off, and space out, and the chanting goes on and on.

[31:32]

Is the interval this long or this long? When you're spaced out, you can't tell what the interval is between the beats. So we have to start moving more positively. When you take out your bowls, dum, [...] and it's all done. When you're moving the zendo, you're serving, you know, not fast and not slow, but just clickety-clickety-clickety, you know, some rhythm to what you're doing. And when we chant, you know, that's where we should put all that steam that we accumulate.

[32:33]

All that steam we accumulate should go into our chanting. Chanting is, you know, should express the strength that we build up in zazen. And we should chant from our heart. And it should be very strong and very positive, and we should chew every word. You know, namu karatanno torayaya. You really feel strength. That's how we should be chanting. And the person that's doing it is going, boom, [...] listening, listening to the chanting. Not leading it, you know. Leading it and being led. If you think you have to lead it, then you start doing your own thing, you know.

[33:39]

Makugyo is dancing around, and people are saying, ah, ah, and Makugyo is going, dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum. You know, you listen and be led. And when you're led, you also are leading. At that point we don't have to worry about who's the leader and who's the follower. Everybody's the leader and everybody's the follower. So listen and put your whole aura into chanting. And steady. It doesn't matter if it's fast or slow. Fast or slow is not the point. Steady. Then you feel good. And when you sit, you sit strong. So, Satsang shouldn't just be an ordeal to get through.

[34:43]

You have to come up to it. And it demands all of your strength. It demands your whole body and mind. Then, when you give that way, you feel, you understand it. And you, oh, I understand now. No one has to tell you what it's about. I understand now. But until you can do that, then you're always wondering, well, what's this thing about anyway? I don't understand. Do you have any questions?

[35:50]

Something you'd like to discuss? Thank you. That's a good point. I'll say a few things about it, though. In this sendo, we don't usually hit someone unless they ask for it. Unless it's somebody you know real well. You know, if I was walking around and I saw Ron dozing off, I'd hit him. Have a good time.

[36:59]

But if it was somebody I didn't know, I wouldn't. And if it was somebody I wasn't real familiar with, I wouldn't. And a new person, it was a junko, she'd just hit people and asked for it. So, because your judgment isn't that good, trustworthy, yet. But new junkos don't hit very hard. And we have a lot of new junkos. Sometimes it's like they're swatting flies or hitting ants. I got one. But that's good, they're perfecting their aim, you know, and we should appreciate that. Don't expect to be hit hard by new people. If they were hitting hard, I wouldn't feel too good about it.

[38:02]

So, you know, we have to take all these things in our stride. But we should hit harder than we do, usually, because, you know, firm. Bam. Bam. Somebody like Reed, you know, if he hits you too hard, he'll crush you. So he's very delicate. Bam. Bam. Didn't want to hit you too hard. And I appreciate that very much. But if you ask him, he might say, just a little harder, Reed. He might do it. So, okay, let's continue our session with some good strong effort.

[39:11]

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