Preferences, Expectations, Letting Go

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Serial: 
BZ-02619
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Sesshin Day 3

 

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so in my role as she so high have been sitting a lot in part to encourage everyone
but this morning when i was sitting at your i face inward and am i had the thought that i was
sitting in a forest
and
we were all trees
and some trees were very straight and some trees were listing over a little
and the somewhere strong and somewhere or more frail
i'll a bad
we all we're sending our roots down and you know now they don't think of trees as individuals they think of them as not even communities as really one organism so that their roots you know go down into the earth and then they they actually communicate
eight silently through their roots and m and they share water and nutrition and so i felt this morning like
we were all helping each other and i was helping you and you were helping me so thank you for being here
i'm gonna start with a story
last weekend and it was my system that sisters seventieth birthday and i had promised that i will attend and it was in a it was an overnight in a big house in tahoe
so saturday after the program i drove up there and m
we had a wonderful celebration
but it was very cold and in the morning
i didn't find this out how later but it was below freezing and i woke up of course quite a bit before anyone else
so i decide to go out for a walk and i went out the door and then there was a set of steps and i went down the steps but because it was cold it was twenty eight degrees there was a thin layer of ice on the steps and i lived and my free just went like three
house and i just landed on the steps right on my sacred and i thought to myself that i was just gonna stay there for a minute before he tried to do anything
so i was lying there and looking up in that even though it was so called it was very beautiful and you could see snow on the mountains in the sky was blue and
i thought maybe i'll check out to see if i can wiggle everything maybe i broke something and then i thought the next thought was maybe i won't be able to go decision
and then i thought
yeah maybe i broke something maybe i'll be in the hospital getting pinned back together and then i thought
but that was still be buddha's life right
and
so would that be different
yes
would it be the same here in a way it would so i guess that will my toes and fingers and they were working and sort of got up and have been kind of
eh limping around a little ever since but much better now
i'm so i am gonna talk about my co on yet again but i will also today talk a little bit about the verse
so i'm going to read my colon even though most people have heard it multiple times this is a slightly different version because it appears posts in the blue cliff record and in the book of serenity this is the book of serenity version
am
so this is the case master mom was unwell the monastery superintendent asked master how is your venerable state these days the great teacher said sen face buddha moonphase buddha
i'm gonna read the verse and i'll read another version maybe later so this is the verse
and it's written by someone else but it's
it sir
it's about i think it's really about master mom or bustle as we call him in the in another version son face buddha moonphase buddha stars fall thunder rolls the mirror faces forms without
subjectivity the pearl in a bowl roles of itself don't you see before the hammer gold we find a hundred times under the scissors silk from one loom
so just to remind you until the people that aren't familiar with this go on that
master mom was
a teacher in the eighth century and he was a very strong and very ah
powerful teacher and he had a lot of disciples and he was
physically a very big man and
this story
well he lived in the yeah he lived to be seventy eight years old so this story at took place when he was seventy eight and the day before he died and
the sun facebook and the moon facebook were to kind of legendary buddha's that were part of a kind of a list of buddha's of many many buddhas that came before shakyamuni buddha and the sun face buddha was that to have lived eight
eighteen hundred years and the moonphase buddha was said to live a day and night
so i've talked about what this cohen has meant to me in many ways and as time has gone on i've kind of settled into really thinking
of it as
i'm being about
two things so a long life in a short life so long and short and then you know life and death maybe most importantly and pam
youth and age and sickness and health and am
and the ways those things are different they are different and they are also one
and am
master my you know lived his wife
it was food as life he lived it moment by moment and in that sense there is no life and no death it's just moment by moment
and i have really
sort of gotten lax at times in i've really seen the oneness and i've seen the the difference and
sometimes too sometimes i can for of hold them both
or even not
be too worried about it but lots of the time
i felt like one of those monks that you know yells in the middle of
zazen and runs out of the window tearing his hair
and you know ultimately may maybe at this moment i've kind of
i go a little bit and
you know allowed it to just kind of
float around without really being able to
hang on
and
i'd like to give you a definitive solution
so far i think that's the best i can do
am
i will read something from suzuki roshi which sums it up better than i do
we should understand our everyday activity in two ways and be able to react either way without a problem one way is to understand dualistic lee good or bad right or wrong and we try hard to understand than say
things in these terms
yet we should also be able to let go of this dualistic understanding
then everything is one
this is the other understanding the under the understanding of oneness
so you should be able to understand or accept things in these two ways but this is not enough it is still dualistic without thinking this is one of two understandings you have the freedom to move from one to the other then you will not be caught by your understanding what eh
ever you do will be the great activity of practice
and then i'm just gonna go on a little bit cause maybe this is strong for me son face buddha moonphase buddha no problem whatever i am a tough weather i am at tassajara or san francisco no problem even though i die it is all right with me
and it is all right with you
and if it's not all right you are not as zen student
it is quite all right that is buddha
ah

somebody asked surgeon in show son
i think that somebody might be here ah what is it that we're doing here
can he thought that was a good question and i think it's a good question
but there i think there's a lot of answers to it may be everybody has their own but one thing i think for me is that i'm practicing
pam
having seeing the oneness
and in my sitting practice i
practice not discriminating
not
so allowing you know my thoughts to just be my thoughts in the heard just be what i hear and the what i see just be what i see and them
and i practice that because i think that
the discriminating mind is
you know it's more familiar it's something that i do all the time and i'm good at so you know here when i'm sitting i practice
and it's not that that's where i want a day but i do wanna be able to move back and forth and without this practice
i it's not accessible to me it doesn't flow in and out of my life so that's one of the things that i'm doing here
i'm
i just want to tell another story i better keep an eye on the time books didn't bring all the others why quite a bit of time the i have my wanted
am so
i don't think i've told the story but and i'm not sure this there is actually true but
i
remember as a child i was quite an amenable child that i think it's true everybody used to say that about me my parents did i was a amenable child and i had an older sister and we shared a room she was somewhat older and so know
i just sort of went along a lot with whatever she did or thought and my parents and my head a little brother who was you know pretty demanding and i was in the middle and then i just remember going along and i you know i remember not i don't remember
her
i mean of course i could tell the difference between a dog and cat you know but i still remember carrying too much you know i just do remember this sort of sense of kind of flowing and
you know like
you know when we went out for ice cream my sister would like so we have to go to the store that has the carmel whatever and i was like ice-cream fine meal
but then when i was like eleven or twelve and i'm not sure why i did this but
maybe i need it i wanted more attention i think but i decided i needed opinions and i didn't have any
and i really really have that thought that i just didn't really have any opinions and that i should have some and i actually remember trying to get them
yeah know like trying to make them up and you know i sort of feel like that was whether they call it you know the end of eden or something that i stepped out of even you know into the world and then i was ferocious of at it and i can remember that you know that i really
yeah i really have them and i didn't let them go and i didn't let them go and i didn't let them go in now maybe i'm trying to let them go
but them twenty it's a funny memory
anyway
i wanna go on and talk about the verse a little bit and i'm gonna just read another version of it because not because it's better this when i think it's much more poetic but this one is more pedantic a little bit and a little bit easier to
to may be understand so in this version
well it doesn't matter son face buddha moonphase buddha stars jude sunder peels the mirror renders images without ego in a basin the ball rolls of itself
don't you see in front of the hammer and the stand gold purified a hundred times under the scissors and the measure a role of silk
so i'm going to talk about that a little bit i'll i'll talk about this version because i like it better but
so this verse i think is about master mar it is it you know it's talking about him and so he says sundays buddha moonphase buddha
this is not by him this is about him i'm stars fall thunder rolls and
you don't i think
you know what he says is illuminating and it's a force of nature but when a star falls or thunder rolls
you know you can't hold onto it and am
you know they're over when they're over and m
i'll be if that i've been trying
you know you can't hold onto it so the mirror faces forms without subjectivity and in the other version it's without ego so this you know
it's like just imagining that just imagining taking your ego out of what you see i mean it's like you could spend five days and a session you know imagining what that would be to really see without ego or you know what the ego
does to what you see
so again i think that's our practice that we you know we hear a sound and we just we don't go anywhere with it
or if we do we see where we go or we have a thought and again we don't go with it you know and we just let it be we just see it and let it go so i think that's gonna kind of part of our practice
is
the line that has really compelled me and i i am i liked it right from the beginning and i've talked a lot with sojourn about it in
there's actually a lot of
it can reference to this in a sort of i'll read the line again so this is the pearl in a ball rolls of itself so apparently you know there's a legend that there was a harbor in china where if you harvested the ways
stirs or the pearls that day
in they would roll in a bowl by themselves they will call them running pearls
i'm

so
highest have come to see this and i've thought about it a lot and as i say there's a lot of reference to pearls in zen literature i think you could make a compendium of pearl references
and i'll read you one other before i stop but em
i think this for me has to do with kind of what sojourn was talking about yesterday about you know
being free or rolling free or one's true nature being free of
unbound from hindrances and am
you know not with edges or flat places or places that would skip stuck that really it's free to flow and am
at some point during these weeks people have
talk to me about
something that's going on with them maybe a problem
yeah a problem sometimes and them they would talk to me but the problem and i would sort of see who i felt like i could see where they were caught
and even though they were talking to me about it i felt like they couldn't see where they were caught and
i talk to alan about this and he said oh are you judging them
and i said no i'm not judging them i i feel sort of sad but mostly i feel like you know can i see this about myself can i see the places that haim caught or do i see them
i'm
and am
so i
decided and i know that we do this or why but i decided to to really see you know if i could
very carefully observe
the things that caught me and i did it before we started titian but i do find that session is a very good container for observation
partly because
some of the things that
you know really catch me
i'm not reading like the news rape or be no palm i'm not talking to people who i love who are not here
problems so
the things are subtle
and i feel them the way i know is in my body and that if i pay attention to my body
am i can catch the little things that catch me and some of them are
version some of them are things i don't like
and i just it's like a trace through my body and if i watch it carefully i really can see how they catch me and
and what they are and am
and something's our desire things i love and are want like mary's cookies and and i can feel that tube and i feel that in my body and am
so it's been a very
focused time to see what is it that catches me what is it where are my edges that don't roll what keeps me from flowing
and
you know i feel also like another thing we're doing here is where sitting and you know sometimes it's a very strong physical sensation of and sometimes it's very uncomfortable and
and yet we don't move or sometimes we move but mostly we don't where we sort of notice if we do
and again i feel like that is what we're doing here so we're we're noticing what catches us and it could be very strong you know it could be
you know a powerful feeling of i don't like this or i don't like you
but we're sitting with that like we sit with are sore knees that were you know we don't necessarily react with don't do something about it necessarily
and so again i feel like that's what i'm doing here i'm sitting with very strong sensation sometimes and sometimes very subtle ones and i'm not
reacting i'm being patient with them and then
so that's what i'm doing
that's what i'm paying attention to
i'm gonna just read and that the this is from a different cohen altogether and i'm not gonna go into it this is from ruins constant principle but it's also about pearls and this is the first also
the round pearl has no hello
hollows the great rod gym isn't polished what is esteemed by people of the way is having no edges
and then it goes a little bit into the actual case removing the road of agreement senses and matter are empty the free body resting on nothing stands out unique and alive and i just want to read a little bit of the commentary because i just liked it alot
in general when things have edges they cannot roll feet freely if you want to be lively and frisky
without sticking to or depending on anything just set your eyes on agreement not agreement
so i kind of like that oh then it went on to say naturally you will not stay on this shore nor unleash on that shore nor in midstream so i said earlier at different talk that i'd written to allen when he was away and said that i was feeling unmoored and
he thought that was fine but
it wasn't totally comfortable but i do feel a little bit like i was not on the shore and not on that store and not in midstream
but i like the lively and frisky i do feel like there is
maybe more possibility for
energy
then i sometimes think there is in this practice more possibility for
i'm
frisking has playfulness
humor ah and i don't think those are my strong suit necessarily but i'm i'm thinking about that quite a bit you know that i could just flow and not quite so hard
am
i won't
talk about the end of the verse just because i started
so the last two lines or don't you see before the hammer gold refined a hundred times
so i think we think of that are think of mastermind as having we find his
you know his
his true nature
and still you know that you know you can you can make cold into anything and an even in here they talk about making it into coins and you know hairpins and cups that you you know that you know the the to mine are the his true
mind is refined but it's also in his daily life it's cut up it's you know it's both oneness and and difference and and that's as it should be and it's still
we fought out a his true mind is refined mind and under the scissors silk from one loom and again this is very pure silk again it's pure mind that cut up and made into you know everything in the world so it's again that
not one not to back and forth and and the
the turning back and forth with pivoting the flowing without
clinging to one of the other and them
so

he be lightened up a little maybe that's my
my co on to her right pick for myself
so i think i'll stop there and see what you would like to add or ask thank you
dean

what
so

how fast

well i've been thinking about how hot do actually
ah
there's no problem because it's true there's no problem and it's devastating
but the truth is really the truth is there's no problem that's the truth that's the only reason that you can say there's no problem because it's true

carrie

yeah

that there are no opposites that he's not the he thinks there aren't any
i think because i'm not talking data
the difference between living a long live someplace
and then shortly
you don't think long and short are opposites
are you
but the difference
i'm not going to i'm not going to quibble question though
so
yes and
no no you're not and that's absolutely right and there are so different
at least to me
and
you know to just think of it as one i think does miss part of the golan

ah
james

can we just speak up a little bit

i

thank you
am
i think you're a reels and student and i really think you should grieve
and i think i'm a rails in student and i really think i should grieve
and actually i didn't say you shouldn't grieve
ah i said
death is okay
actually suzuki roshi said that but
the other was something but it wasn't that you do like me to read it again
all
it's all right
all right
yeah them
what for you

yeah and it is all right
it's kind of the question i think to and i think
i think
i think you don't know how passionately i think you can grieve

yeah and is that all right

is it all right with you
eh
the boss
your boss
it's not that
valves
someone

oh
worse
or contacts with
ah
you know again i think it's both it's you know on some level i do think that
what ever happens is all right and on a lot another in all the other side of is not lots of things aren't all right you know they just aren't
i yeah
right
together
two days
words are
have two death
right
go on a day
a heads
right
was
flexing your
no it's not fun
my faith
you know
if you're the guy
you know accused offer
while
hey present
just right
this
maybe
maybe but maybe not and if not then that's all right to
kichler

ah

sometimes i don't know and sometimes i think of it as just this moment
so no life no death just this moment cause life and death or a concept there an idea there are a convenience really and then really that's kind of an answer your question to em in your comment is know this is it and there's nothing else
us

i do yeah
pisa
though

was
sure

famous
devastation
how do you do it

that's a really good question

ah
i don't know i think the best they can come up with it that it's really part of life
it's it you know and if you've been with well i just say for myself it when my father died
he didn't have a horrible painful death but
i really felt like it was just like being with my sister when her baby was born you know it was exactly the same it was like this huge shift in the universe for me and it was so similar was so intimate and so kind of 'em
you know being with a passage am
ah you know so maybe that
you know that it's it's the flow
penelope

thank you
is that it susan oh so too

oh there we d'honneur au temps so i go hit a hat

how so

the pain of life
how do you deal with it i don't think i know

but maybe not

it's just a hypothesis you're right

well it reminds me of people who are really in a lot of physical pain
and you know they say this isn't everything and therein really a lot of pain
and they say it's not everything it's not my whole life i don't know how they went with it
randy

patients
that
and the stock has cancer
but
side effects

smart
and they just have to say
sunday

one day
walking

sometimes
suffering
question

right
good good point i thank you
we're talking about
right guard
flowers said
day

yeah
the garden seeds
success
athens maybe that's the way
yeah
yeah i think you
oh we should start of a oh mary did you want to see some

it's a it's now
that
how can you
how can i come
there's no way i'm here i don't think there
and i think it's for him
you know i think it's you know the more fall out the better in my book