We're very fortunate to have had so much rain in the last few days, that's a big relief for all of us. You can take a little bit longer shower, as someone said. Maybe. Anyway, as you came in, you see that we're preparing for Nancy McClellan's memorial ceremony this afternoon. So, I thought I would talk a little bit about how we understand the meaning of birth and death. In the booklet record, case number 43, the case is called, Tozan's No Colder Heat, a very well-known koan, and I know many of you have studied this koan.

[01:05]

Before I read the koan, I want to remind us of the three foundations of Buddhadharma. The three foundations of Buddhadharma are, one, nothing is permanent or substantial. Nothing is permanent or substantial, except nothing. There is no abiding self, is the second one. In other words, there is no soul or permanent ego. And three, all is suffering within the bliss of nirvana. Number three, before the Mahayana, before the popularity of the Mahayana, was all is suffering. Period.

[02:11]

And then, when the Mahayana became more well-known, or popular, let's say, it was all is nirvana. So these are the two opposites, so to speak. But the truer meaning, the more non-dual meaning, is all is suffering within the bliss of nirvana. So this is our non-dual understanding of suffering and nirvana. And then the question comes up, well, we know what suffering is, we think, but what is nirvana? Well, there's no way to say exactly what nirvana is, as an explanation.

[03:19]

But we say, it's the absence of greed, absence of ill-will, and absence of delusion. In other words, it's simply our pure existence. So what is pure existence? One question leads to another. So, here is a koan for us. A monk asked, said to Tozan, Tozan is Tozan Ryokai, Dongshan in Chinese, who is the fountainhead of the Soto school in China, our ancestor in China. So a monk said to Tozan, cold and heat descend upon us, how can we avoid them?

[04:25]

Tozan said, why don't you go where there is no cold or heat? The monk said, where is the place where there is no cold or heat? Tozan said, when cold, let the cold kill you, when hot, let the heat kill you. This is the koan. This koan has several levels of understanding. When we were first starting to sit with Tozan, you know, back in the 60s, we thought we understood this koan, and it's not that we didn't understand it, but we understood it on one level, which is, when you have pain in your legs,

[05:28]

to Tozan, you become one with pain. If you don't become one with the pain, the pain will kill you. When there are no opposites, this is nirvana. Nirvana is the place where all opposites are reconciled. The only reason that we have suffering, I don't say the only reason, but the reason that we cause our own suffering is because we create opposites. This is called the realm of duality. We live in the world of duality, where everything has an opposite. So when we have pain, we want pleasure. So Shakyamuni Buddha says, the reason why we have suffering,

[06:33]

the first noble truth is the truth of suffering. Why we have suffering is due to desire. Not that desire is wrong or bad, it's just that desire creates duality. The stereotype of the cause of suffering is not having what we want, having what we don't want. Not being with those people that we want to be with, and being with those people we don't want to be with, and so on and so forth. So, we live in a world of discontent. I think discontent is a good word for suffering. So how do we find contentment? Pleasure, creating pleasure does not create contentment.

[07:41]

Trying to make ourselves comfortable does not make us comfortable. We're always reaching for something more, because as soon as you get comfortable, the next step is you're uncomfortable with what you were comfortable with. And then you find another comfort, and then you become uncomfortable with that comfort. So, how do we find our true comfort? Which goes much deeper. So, let the cold kill you. I remember when we were studying Tassajara, we had no heat, and we were in a deep valley, where in the summertime it's really hot, and in the wintertime it's really cold. And of course, the practice periods are in the winter, and that's spring, fall.

[08:45]

So we learned about the meaning of cold. And the only way we could be comfortable was to let the cold kill us. In other words, to be one with the cold. To not seek an opposite. As soon as you don't like it, you create suffering. As soon as we try to change the situation we are in, if we can't change it, then we suffer. So change what you can, but what you can't change, you have to be one with. So this is why training is about how to deal with suffering. Zen training, Buddhist training, I don't know about the rest of Buddhism, but Zen training is basically about how to deal with a situation, the situation that you are in, without creating suffering,

[09:50]

or being victimized by the suffering which you create. There are forces which create suffering on us, of course, but the suffering that we create ourselves is the suffering that we talk about. So, why don't you go to the place where there is no colder heat? Where is that place? When there is cold, let the cold kill you. When it's hot, let the heat kill you. There is a koan, a few pages down, Does one who dies a great death come back to life again? That's a good koan.

[10:51]

But that's a koan about our ego. A koan about how we kill our ego. We have a lot of killing talk in Zen, but it doesn't really mean to kill, it means to bring to life. We have Manjushri, who has a bodhisattva wisdom, and he kills, and then he brings to life. So, killing and bringing to life is the rhythm of our life. You cannot live without dying. So this koan is really about birth and death. It is deeper sense.

[11:52]

It's about dying and living. So, I don't like to use the terms life and death, because life is not the opposite of death. Birth is the opposite of death, if you want to talk about opposites. Birth is the dynamic of our life, and it's what we call life, because birth is happening moment by moment. It's not something that just happened. You said, I was born at such and such a time. That's one moment of birth. That's one event, because we don't have a memory of before that, and we don't have a memory of after that time. So we see our life as this little momentary event, bordered by birth and death.

[12:59]

Death follows birth, follows death, follows birth, follows death, follows birth. That's the rhythm. And within each moment of birth is the moment of death at the same time. So when we talk about life and death, we usually think about before I entered this world, and after I left this world. But birth and death, the dynamics of change, are continuous. This is called life, because life is in the center, like a coin. Birth is on one side, death is on the other. But birth and death are one coin, and happen momentarily at the same time. So as we are sitting here, birth and death is happening. The moment I was talking is gone.

[14:04]

The moment you were listening is gone. It will never return. And it's happening all the time. And birth is happening all the time. This is a process of life which contains birth and death. When life is killing and death is resurrected, death is killing and life is resurrected, death and resurrection is happening all the time. So this is how we need to perceive our life. It's not just one continuous thing, even though it is. It's one continuous thing, yes. Each moment is an eternal moment,

[15:06]

because each moment comes out of emptiness. It's the expression of emptiness. So, what is nirvana? Nirvana is living our life totally and completely. Let life kill you. Let death bring you to life. We always think in upside down ways. We think that death is taking something away and life is giving us something. But these are just two aspects of the same thing. Within death is birth. Within birth is death. We don't like the idea of dying. And more or less we like the idea of being born,

[16:14]

until we run into trouble. We say, oh, I wish I was never born. But then things change. So, how do we cope with suffering, which is what Buddhadharma is about? We can't change, change, because change just happens. And so, what are we? Well, we have no inherent self, because we are subject to change. And since we are subject to change, there's nothing to hang on to. There's nothing to hang on to. So, when we let go, which means to die,

[17:16]

completely, die completely at each moment, and be born completely at each moment. So, when we throw ourselves into our activities, that's how we create life. When alive, be totally alive. When dead, be totally dead. Not to do something halfway, 50 percent, 60 percent, 70 percent. When we are 100 percent, or 90 percent, 99 percent, OK? Give ourselves totally to our activity, and we receive something totally. If we give a little bit, we receive a little bit,

[18:18]

because giving and receiving is the same thing. Birth and death is the same thing. When suffering comes when we hang on to something that's going away, that's the nature of suffering, to hang on to something that's going away. It's like when you have one foot on the dock, one foot on the ship, and the ship is going away, what will you do? This is a great talk. What will you do? So, we say there is no birth and death.

[19:18]

This is the Buddhist understanding. Basically, there is no birth. Even though we speak of birth and death, in a dualistic sense, in a non-dualistic sense, there is no birth and death. There is only transformations, endless transformations. So, at each moment, there is birth and death. When we experience it this way, then we become one with life, and we don't have so much fear, because we are empty. And our emptiness is the essence of our existence. So, we can understand this through our breathing. Breathing, inhaling.

[20:20]

I talk about this all the time. Inhaling is coming to life. Exhaling is letting go. So, at each moment, we inspire, and we expire. Inspire, expire, and it's one movement. Up and down is one movement. In and out is one movement. You can't do just one side. It has to be a complete cycle. So, we live in this cyclical way. Life is cyclical. We study life as our breath, and it's cyclical. It's not this way. And so, this is how the Buddhists develop the understanding of cyclicality, of rebirth. I can't tell you about rebirth, and I can't tell you about reincarnation. I can just myself realize

[21:20]

that circularity is the essence of how things work. You don't have square wheels on your car. So, when we let go of our discriminating mind, even though our discriminating mind is what creates suffering, because we're always dividing, and what creates unification is nirvana. Nirvana. So, it's nirvana within our suffering. It's the oneness within duality. It's realizing that birth and death are the same thing.

[22:22]

That cold and heat are one. Just two aspects of one. So, where do you find the center? Where do you find that place where heat and cold meet? How do you find the place where past and future meet? There is no such thing as future, because it's just an idea, and we expect it to keep going until tomorrow. I remember, Suzuki Roshi had a student who I knew very well. He was kind of a very lazy guy. He came and he talked to Suzuki Roshi, and Suzuki Roshi, they talked about what he was going to do. And Suzuki Roshi gave him some advice, and he said, I'll start doing that tomorrow. And Suzuki Roshi looked at me and said,

[23:26]

you think there's a tomorrow. And he got enlightened. But he lost it because he was lazy. So, I'm going to... There is a talk that's in my book by Suzuki Roshi about when he went to Yosemite. Somebody took him to Yosemite. Many people know this talk. It's called Nirvana, the Waterfall. So, I'm going to read the whole thing, but it's not very long. He says, if you go to Japan and visit Eheji Monastery, which is one of the two head temples of the Soto School in Japan,

[24:27]

where Suzuki Roshi studied when he was young, just before you enter, you'll see a small bridge, which is called Hanshaku-kyo, which means half-dipper bridge. Whenever Dogen Zenji, the founder of our school, dipped water from the river, he used only half a dipper full, returning the rest to the river again, without throwing it away. That's why we call the bridge Hanshaku-kyo, half-dipper bridge. At Eheji, when we wash our face, we fill the basin just 70% of its capacity, and after we wash, we empty the water towards ourselves rather than away from our body. This expresses respect for the water. This kind of practice is not based on any idea of being economical. It may be difficult to understand why Dogen returned half the water

[25:30]

he dipped to the river. This kind of practice is beyond our thinking. When we feel the beauty of the river, when we are one with the water, we intuitively do it in Dogen's way. It is our true nature to do so, but if your true nature is covered by ideas of economy and efficiency, Dogen's way makes no sense. So, you know, the emphasis of our practice is not on economy or efficiency. We wash the windows not to get them clean. The windows are already clean, no matter how dirty they are. We simply wash the windows to wash the windows, which is a stupid idea. It's a stupid idea because we are always thinking in terms of efficiency.

[26:30]

But this reminds me of when in our meal chat, in our meal, when we have formal meals in Zendo, at the end we collect half the water from our little small bowl and drink out and offer the rest, we say, to the spirits, the hungry ghosts, actually. We return the water back to nature. And when we serve someone with a spoon, with a big dipper, we serve toward ourselves instead of away from ourselves. So here is, this is where his talk actually starts. I went to Yosemite National Park and I saw some huge waterfalls. The highest one there is 1,340 feet high. Only a foreigner

[27:36]

would know those statistics. And from it, the water comes down like a curtain thrown from the top of a mountain. It does not seem to come down swiftly as you might expect. It seems to come down very slowly because the distance and the water does not come down as one stream but is separated into many tiny streams. From a distance, it looks like a curtain and the water does not come down as one stream but is separated into many tiny streams. I thought it must be a very difficult experience for each drop of water to come down from the top of such a high mountain. It takes time, you know, a long time for the water finally to reach the bottom of the waterfall. And it seems to me that our human life may be like this. We have many difficult Only when it is separated

[28:46]

does it have some difficulty in falling. It is as if the water does not have any feeling when it is one whole river. Only when separated into many drops can it begin to have or express some feeling only when it is separated. Our feelings come from our separation. Our feeling of separation. Individuality. When we see one whole river, we do not feel the living activity of the water. We just it. But when we dip a part of the water into a dipper, we experience some feeling of the water and we also feel the value of the person who uses the water. Feeling ourselves and the water in this way, we cannot use it in just a material way. It is a living thing. Before we were born we had no feeling. We were one with the universe.

[29:46]

This is called mind only or essence of mind or big mind. After we are separated by birth from this oneness coming from the waterfall and separated by the wind and rocks then we have feeling. You have difficulty because you have feeling. You attach to the feeling you have without knowing just how this kind of feeling is created. When you do not realize that you are one with the river. When you do not realize that you are one with the river or one with the universe you have fear. Whether it is separated our life and death are the same thing. When we realize this fact we have no fear of death anymore and we have no actual difficulty in our life. When the water returns to its original oneness with the river it no longer has any individual

[30:50]

feeling to it. It resumes its own true nature and finds composure. How very glad the water must be to come back and if this is so what feeling will we have when we die? I think we are like the water in the dipper. We will have composure then perfect composure. It may be too perfect for us just now because we are so much attached to our own feeling to our individual existence. For us just now we have some fear of death but after we resume what we say to obtain nirvana is to pass away. To pass away is not a very adequate expression. Perhaps to pass on or to go on or to join would be better. Maybe when you try to find some better expression for death when you find it

[31:51]

you will have quite a new interpretation of your life. Everything comes out of emptiness. One whole river or one whole mind is emptiness. When we reach this understanding we find the true meaning of our life. When we reach this understanding we can see the beauty of human life. Before we realize this fact everything that we see is just delusion. Sometimes we overestimate the beauty. The reality. To talk about it this way is quite easy but to have the actual feeling is not so easy. But by your practice of Zazen you can cultivate this feeling. When you consent with your whole body and mind and with the oneness of your mind and body under the control of the universal mind

[32:52]

you can easily attain this kind of right understanding. Your everyday life is an erroneous interpretation of life. When you realize this fact you will discover how meaningless your old interpretation was and how much useless effort you had in making. You will find the true meaning of life and even though you have difficulty falling upright from the top of the waterfall to the bottom of the mountain you will enjoy your life. Thank you. Through our practice of Zazen

[34:08]

we can actually join with the oneness of our life without being victim of our separation. So this is called having our true freedom. True freedom is to not be afraid to be a victim of our own discriminating mind. If you have one question. So when a person is faced with having to make the decision about euthanizing his dog or a friend is killed in a violent

[35:11]

and unexpected way is there something wrong with that person's practice if he has great emotion? Great emotion is great Buddha. But be careful not to be a victim of your own emotions. If your emotion takes over you can become lost. It's important a feeling about others is one thing. Our understanding of how things happen is the basis. So when we understand

[36:12]

how things happen then we have some control over our emotion. We don't understand how things happen and our emotion takes over we have no foundation and we just become lost in grief. Grief is important. Understanding is important. And when grief and understanding balance each other then we have we don't become a victim of our feelings or our understanding. Thank you for your talk. So speaking of Suzuki Roshi and this event that we're all grappling with he went through a similar event in his life. Yes. Not just a friend but his wife. Yes. So we're looking to him as an example. Yes.

[37:13]

So how in your experience of him how do you think he grappled with that event as an advanced Zen practitioner? Yeah. I think his understanding you know he had his feelings his loss and his tragedy but he had his understanding. His understanding balanced his feelings. You know we're grappling I'm not grappling with Nancy's death. I don't know I don't think of it as grappling. Grappling? Why grapple? I think the violence the sense of violence the sense of putting yourself in her position in the last few minutes of her conscious life putting yourself in the position of this 18 year old I call him a boy because that's what he is was where is where how how do I work with this boy? How do I work with him?

[38:13]

I know I can't work with her anymore but I need to know how I can he needs me this kid. Yes. And I think he needs all of us so how how do we I know accepting it I agree with that absolutely but So we have our emotion and we have our wisdom so emotion has various aspects like anger confusion and so forth wisdom says this happened there's nothing I can do about what happened so and wisdom brings up compassion so compassion can absorb all of your emotions so we can have revenge for this that's not right no

[39:14]

so how do we express compassion for this person yes and then compassion for this person's family and compassion for everybody who's touched by this which is a lot of people so compassion and wisdom to bring forth compassion and wisdom which is understanding understanding you can understand to some extent but you can't understand it completely because to go back in the steps is impossible because the steps reach all the way back to Adam and Eve so maybe identifying the need somehow that something is needed that's just the only thing that keeps coming up for me and I'm not quite sure how to do that right so well through compassion which brings up

[40:16]

wisdom what can I do to stop this kind of stuff in the world right so if you can express it that way then something positive how can I bring something positive to this in other words it's all negative right this guy killed her right in this terrible way and she died that's all negative how can I bring something positive to this to balance the situation yes that's your question I can't answer that question for you well how do I I'm always doing it it's not something special I have to do this is my mode of my life how to bring

[41:16]

peace into the world that's otherwise what are we living for I don't have to do anything special I just do what I'm doing which is look at all the other people millions of people who are being killed in the world you can't even access so to express you know your grief we should always express our grief but there's some transformative aspect to grief that brings forth compassion which tells you what to do so this is calling for you what do I do Alan oh no don't actually you had someone behind you

[42:17]

raise your hand Judy but sure Judy you just said calling you and I'm sure many people heard someone was calling me on a cell phone which I just got yesterday so I'm still not familiar with how to completely use it and I thought it was a turn to awe to silence but it wasn't and so as you two were in an interchange on how I could feel my heart start to raise as I also could you know come back to my hands and just see the screen and do what was needed so it was a beautiful teaching of how what was what is alive in the room manifests and I couldn't control that it's just practice manifesting and so I just wanted to say that because it was very beautiful at the same time that the birds are thank you so we have to stop

[43:17]

but Helen did I just wanted to I really hear both Shelly's question which is a lot of our questions and Sojin's response and just which is also really on the mark and I think that for me the transformative there's another catalyzing element which is actually patience that the not knowing what the proper response might be and just feeling it and being able to have the capacity to sit with that not knowing with a confidence that something will arise that will that will tell me what to do not all of us

[44:17]

you know maybe not Shelly but to trust that that's that's also our practice we're sitting there without any plan without any scheme without any agenda that's what we're doing moment by moment zendo and actually that is also a way to live trusting that an appropriate response will arise thank you

[44:46]

@Text_v004
@Score_JJ