I don't want to die. I don't want. I have to live. Something told me, something told me something. But something, something told me to digging a hole. And then, some moment, at the moment, I have to live. Then I get up. I get out of the hole. But it's nonsense. It seems nonsense, but I really wanted to do it. And the other day I mentioned, I mentioned one of the Zen master, they asked one of the farmers to make a hole. And said, and said, after my death, death, a priest buried me.

[01:07]

Putting the dust over my head. Then he jumped into the hole. In a few minutes, he died. Then from the dust. But actually, I wanted to, I wanted to die in the hole by myself. Because I didn't want, I didn't want, I didn't want anybody to find my body. My dead body. So I make the hole by myself.

[02:10]

But actually, it's impossible. It was impossible to die by myself like that. But actually I want. That's something crazy, you know. Hmm. It's okay? I don't know, I couldn't, it's pretty difficult to tell you. Now, how, how could I realize it? How could I realize it? Just a moment, at the moment. I have to do it. Why, why did you want to die so much?

[03:13]

Hmm. You know, I was in A.H. Monastery. I was very happy to practice under one of outstanding Zen masters. The Zen. With all monks. Then sometimes I experienced something like enlightenment. I was very happy to experience in that way. One day I had to, I had to go back to my temple, you know, to help my masters. Then I had to live with my master. Just two men. Just two men lived at the small temple.

[04:18]

Then I realized myself to be unhappy. Completely unhappy. Hmm. Why? I didn't understand myself. When I was in A.H. Monastery, I was very happy. Through the enlightenment, something like enlightenment, you know. But when I come back to my temple, I was really unhappy. Because it seems, it seemed to me that I was alone completely. There is nobody to encourage me. There is nobody to encourage me to practice Zazen more and more. Just only my master.

[05:23]

My master didn't say anything at all. You should do Zazen, he didn't. All I had to do was to take care of washing the clothes, fixing meals, day after day. That's all. That's completely nothing for me. Then my life was absolutely upset. Absolutely upset. At that time, you know, I didn't thought, I didn't think, that why I was, why I was happy in A.H. Monastery.

[06:29]

If I think about it now, I think such happiness is created by not the capability of my own, and the depth of my experience. Something like some powers of group, group's power. For instance, if you practice Zazen in Kazahara, it seems to me that practice is really easy. You know, easy. But if you practice Zazen by yourself, in the deep mountains, it's pretty difficult to practice Zazen day after day. It's pretty difficult to satisfy yourself. So, such happiness was created by the group powers.

[07:39]

Group powers. Not by the capability of my practice, of my own, and the depth of my experience. That's why when I came back to my temple, I was completely unhappy. When I was in A.H. Monastery, I had found what the truth of living in this world. It was not necessary to be upset, even though I lived with only my masters. Even though I took care of washing the clothes, fixing meals, without teaching anything,

[08:42]

any Buddhism. Whatever I did, everything made me upset. So my room was in a complete mess. Terrible mess. Terrible mess. What I always mistook, I always made mistakes, making the dishes, the plates. When you were made a priest, you decided not to get up for morning Zazen.

[09:44]

That was a couple of years ago you said that. Oh, yeah. When was this? Yeah, that time. When you went back to your master? Uh-huh. He did say sit Zazen. Because you said in your lecture a few years ago, that you quit going to morning Zazen. I didn't. And your master told you to get up and go to morning Zazen? No, at that time he said, he didn't say, he didn't say to me, you should go to the, you should practice Zazen. No, you know, he said that when everybody get up early morning, you should get up early morning. That's all. That's all. How long time were you at your master's table? Two, three years. Two and a half years. Is that so?

[10:46]

When you went to dig the hole, is that the same time that you went to walk away and you fell down? Is that different time? Not the same. You went to dig the hole, is that the same time you told us about how you went off on a walk and you fell down? Yeah. You run away. Same time I did. But actually, I think, I think about it now, you know, the, digging a hole is very hard work for me. It's very hard work. I think hard work is very good for me, you know. At that time, hard work is not hard work.

[11:53]

Hard work is the manifestation of my life force. That's all. Regardless of the idea of whether I want to die or not, just hard work is going on. Do you have a question? Sensei, you said Shikantaze has a situation of no borrowing or lending. Could you give an example of what would be a situation of borrowing and lending? Do you understand what I mean? It's pretty difficult. If we practice Zazen early in the morning,

[13:04]

very hard, I think it's pretty good Zazen. Then we go outside and say, well, I practiced pretty hard this morning, so I can take off the rest of the day, you know, because I practiced so well in the morning, so we forget all about our responsibilities and just do something else. Is that a situation of borrowing from your Zazen? Is that what you mean by borrowing? No, I don't think so. Whatever you do, whatever you do, your activity exists at the absolute place where you can, you cannot, you cannot borrow, you cannot ask to borrow or lend. That's why when you do a mistake, you have to take responsibility. You have to make repentance to the Buddha.

[14:10]

Why can't you borrow or lend? Why cannot you? You say you cannot borrow or lend, why not? No reason, no reason. Why? No sense, no sense. You mean then that all of our life's activities exist in that way whether we realize it or not? All of our life's activities exist in that way, whether we realize it or not? That's why you have to, you have to mistake, you have to mistake, you have to, you have to take responsibility for this. For instance, we just say, you know, in age monastery, you hit the bell three times before chanting sutra, let's imagine you made a mistake, you made a mistake to hit the bell.

[15:14]

After the ceremony you have to bow to the Buddha. Why we have to bow? In order to make repentance. This is important. Because all activities done at the place, absolute place, where you cannot ask to borrow or lend. At that time in this world, in this world, there are the principle of moral, the policy of moral, policy of religion, or the... In this world, this is the absolute place where the form is hatching

[16:19]

or absolute experience is hatching. A life force is going on. Okay. So when you put your hand together like this, you know, you think, oh, even though I do gassho like this, that's all right. Gassho is gassho. Though you do this, like this, that's all right. It's still, it's still something which is going on in your brain, you know. But gassho itself is going on

[17:23]

at the place where you cannot ask to borrow or not, to borrow, to lend. You do this, this is absolute gassho. This is absolute attitude of gassho. Even though you do this, this is absolute gassho. Q. Is it the intention behind gasshoing and self-preservation of gassho? In other words, if I have a good intention and I gassho like this with a lot of air, and if I have no intention and I gassho directly, is there a difference? When you have full intention concerning gassho,

[18:24]

you can't do gassho like this. You can't do gassho like this. Many of us have not known how to gassho properly, and until we're shown, sometimes we don't know how to do it. Some of us can't sit properly, because we don't know how. You know, I mean, I said, I mentioned before, whatever kind of gassho, that's all right. That's all right. I don't care. This is my gassho. This is my absolute gassho. This is my life. This is the complete manifestation, absolute manifestation of my life. Life is as concerning as gassho. When I encounter the gassho, when I encounter the gassho, all I have to do is to manifest, to reveal my whole life. Don't we do that all the time?

[19:26]

Yes, that's right. Regardless of the idea of whether I make every effort or not, this is our life. This is our practice. Then when I do like this, you think, oh, this is right gassho or wrong gassho. It is already done, created by something. Gassho doesn't exist within my life. The important point is how to encounter gassho. When you encounter gassho, this is important. The mountain or river, the stars, the sun, the moon,

[20:30]

doesn't exist within myself. The important point is how to encounter these, the stars, the suns, the rivers, when you have to encounter them. At that time, as Buddha says, all senshin beings get enlightened, when I get enlightened. So this is my life force. You say, oh, this is my life, that's all right. You say, you think this is absolute gassho, this is absolute gassho, that's all right. But I don't know what will happen through this experience. The question is, your idea,

[21:35]

this is my gassho, this is my absolute gassho. The important point is not what kind of form as gassho you should have. It's not form. I'm confused now. Is form important? Not form is the important point. Form is form. Form is emptiness. Emptiness is to reveal your life force. Can we reveal our life force better when we learn how to gassho or chant properly? Can we reveal our life force, or does it help our life force, or does it do anything? Why do we learn how to chant? Why do we learn how to gassho? Why are we learning how to chant and gassho?

[22:37]

I want to ask you why you do. Why do you learn? Why do you learn to eat the meal, you know? It's not necessary to learn how to eat. Everybody knows so well how to eat. Why do you have to learn how to eat? Same question. Ask it yourself. That's your practice. That's your practice. That question is answered. Why? Why do you have to practice? Why do you have to learn? I'm sorry. Anyway. Before I said,

[23:46]

before I said, I'm sorry for you, I'm sorry for me. I already, I have to be here, you know. I have to be already. Shakyamuni Buddha teaches us. Why Buddha Shakyamuni? Shakyamuni Buddha teaches, lots of Buddha's teachings to us. Up to now. 425 years. This is the point which we have to, we have to take into account. 425 years. May I focus?

[24:47]

425 years. In the Ksharung in Japanese, which is one of scriptures, like Buddhist psychology, Ksharung explains the human mind. It is something like psychology in Buddhism. In this Ksharung, it says, the faith is,

[25:55]

the faith is the faith is clarification, clarification. In Japanese, Cho means to clarify, to clear, clear, clear. Cho means purity, Cho means purity. Then, Shin is faith. Faith is clarification and purity. Clarification and purity.

[27:00]

I think it corresponds to the Dogon statements. The Buddha, the Buddhas, the ultimate beings of Buddha's path is emancipation. Cho, that's, last night I said, Cho is to clarify, to clarify, to be transparent, transparent. This is Cho, this is Cho. So Cho, that means become the state of mind in the full function of clarification and purity.

[28:13]

This is Cho, that's, Cho, that's. As the Ksharung says, the faith is clarification and purity. The faith is always questionable for us. What is right faith? What is fanaticism? What is fanaticism? It's pretty difficult to point out whether it is right faith or fanaticism. Yesterday someone asked me,

[29:23]

we are always spinning, always spinning freely. So, without attachment, without attachment of ego, we think so, we think so, even though you practice Zazen. You said, I am completely spinning to do Zazen. In Japan, there are many new kinds of religions. Soka Gakkai, as you know so well about it. Soka Gakkai, many kinds, many new kinds of religion. They always ask the people,

[30:29]

are you happy? Are you happy? So, most people hesitate, hesitate to answer, to answer to this question. Because they don't understand, they don't know, they don't know whether they are happy or unhappy. If I ask you, are you happy? It's pretty difficult to answer. Yes, I am happy. Then they continue to ask, ask them, if you don't believe our religion, you never become happy. The believer of our religion makes you happy.

[31:37]

Makes you happy. Makes you become wealth, wealthy. Makes you sick, makes you sick, recover. So you should become, you should believe our religion. They are always asking the people in that way. Then, in a sense, human beings, human beings are quite weak, like a grass growing on the ground. So they are subjected, subjected to to be attacked by,

[32:43]

attacked by hypnotical suggestions, hypnotical suggestions. The more, the more they ask you, you should believe, believe our religion, otherwise you will become, you will become sick, you will become poor, you will become unhappy. Then while you are hesitating, what to answer to this question? They are always, they are constantly continue to ask you, believe our school, believe our school, believe our religion, believe our God,

[33:46]

believe our Buddha. At last you are completely attacked on, attacked on hypnotical, hypnotical suggestions. Then at last you cannot help, join their schools, their religions. Then, after joining these groups, many people are crazy about chanting the name of Tairu, Myoho Rengecho, like Soka Gakkai people. And then,

[34:52]

not only their faith, not only their enthusiastic faith of practice of religion, but also the brotherhood, their brotherhood make every effort to help newcomers, newcomers in all directions, financial, spiritual, and physical. Then they will become happy gradually.

[35:56]

They find, they find that they are getting happy. The other hand, these people take into their head that the faith, the enthusiastic faith, practice of this religion make, make, make us, make them happy. Ignoring, ignoring the human helps, human helps, economical helps, financial helps, medical helps. Then, at that time,

[36:59]

they are completely infatuated with their own faith, their own faith. But, in Buddhism, from the viewpoint of Buddhism, such faith is still in the domain of excitement, excited state of mind. Even though they think that I save, they save

[38:02]

from their sufferings. Saying, I am happy, I am happy, I attain the enlightenment, something like that. I see the Buddha, I see the existence of Buddha, I see the appearance of Kannon Bodhisattva. You know, actually, it is pretty difficult to say, you know, to say as mentioned before, when you are asked by someone, are you happy? I think nobody, nobody there, nobody is there to say immediately. Yes, I am happy.

[39:04]

All of you, perhaps, may hesitate. What should, what I should answer to this question. I am happy, or you ask yourself, I am happy, or I am not happy. But by the, such a, the people who believe in the new kinds of religions, they can easily, they can easily say, yes, I am happy, I attain enlightenment, I see, I see the appearance of the Kannon Bodhisattva. Kannon Bodhisattva makes me

[40:06]

safe from my life. Yesterday I said, while I was in A.H. monastery, I said, I experienced something like enlightenment. But, strictly speaking, what is, I don't, I don't know. I don't know what is, what was enlightenment, or when I did, when I attained enlightenment. I don't know exactly. It's not so easy to, to say, to say, I attained enlightenment. When you reflect upon, when you look over your past life, when you,

[41:10]

you ask yourself, when you attained enlightenment, it's pretty difficult. Strictly speaking, what you, what you attain enlightenment is that your practice, practice, moment after moment, makes you attain enlightenment. I think so. Step by step, each step makes your life, makes you attain enlightenment. So even though you think, I attained enlightenment, at that time, you missed something already. One of Zen masters says,

[42:15]

one of Zen masters was asked by monks, I have nothing to carry, nothing to carry. What shall I, what shall I, what shall I eliminate? Zen master says, eliminate everything. But I don't have. He, monk said, I don't have anything to eliminate with me right now. Zen master says, if you think, if you think of yourself that you have nothing to, you have nothing to eliminate with you, you should carry it

[43:19]

on your back. Now what he said, I have nothing, I have nothing to eliminate with me, is already to have something on his back. That's why, if you think it is, it is, it is very important thing. You should carry it back, on your back. So the moment, when you attend enlightenment, your thoughts

[44:20]

make you miss something, miss something. From this point, what is enlightenment? What is happiness? What is unhappiness? Through practice zazen, you think, oh, I am very happy. I am quiet. I am very happy. Then, next moment, you should go to, you must go to the city life. Oh my goodness. Like me, you know. While I was in age monastery, I was very happy. The moment when I came back to my temple, you know, I was very unhappy because I was alone, completely. I had to live, just, I had to live with just my master,

[45:23]

you know, and me. Surrounding was very quiet, still. Nobody came to the temple, you know. Only cats, only dog. Then, the teacher didn't teach anything. All I had to do was to wash my clothes, to fix meal, that's all. There was nothing to attain, to gain, as knowledge, as cultivating my character, as enhancing, in order to enhance my character, personality.

[46:24]

There is nothing, you know. Then I had to, I couldn't help my, ask myself, what is happiness? What is unhappiness? I was completely upset. The happiness, when I think, when I thought, when I thought in age monastery, is not real happiness or real happiness. I don't know exactly. From this point, you can't tell me I am happy, you know. You can't tell me carelessly, I am happy. Yes, I attain like me. It's very dangerous, you know. Because,

[47:28]

even happiness or unhappiness, in other words, you, you, based on some, you, yourself, are on the basis of happiness or unhappiness. It's always going on towards, towards the direction of future. In other words, you know, even the happiness or unhappiness is based on

[48:31]

completely transient stream of life, stream of water, without ceasing, ceasing, even a moment, even for a moment. But, but those who believe in a new kind of religion and experience enthusiastic practice of its faith, says, says, simply, unhesitatingly, I am happy. I attain like me. I see the existence of Buddha, I see the appearance of God, the appearance of common bodhisattvas. Or at least,

[49:38]

I don't know, you should consider again and again, you know, what it is, what it is, what the faith is. In Buddhism, not only human being, but also everything is based on the transiency, stream of transiency, stream of life, stream of transiency. Then, what is happiness, what is unhappiness? Important point is that you

[50:40]

who are alive in the domain of the stream of transiency, must settle on the self, on yourself, at the stage of the present, present, now and here. Then, you know, Dogen Zenji says, in the Genjo koan, the firewood turns into ash, and it doesn't turn into firewood again, but do not suppose that the ash is after and the firewood before. We must understand that the firewood is at the stage

[51:43]

of firewood. Whatever you are, whoever you are, Katagiri, whoever Katagiri is, Katagiri must settle, must settle on myself as Katagiri is. Whatever kind of criticism you have toward me, transiency carried us, including I, including Katagiri, including people who can see me, on the stream of transiency. The stream of transiency carried me and all of you who can criticize me. So what shall I do

[52:48]

in the domain of stream of life, stream of transiency? There is nothing but revealing, there is nothing but revealing myself as Katagiri is. Whoever I am, whoever Katagiri is, whatever criticism you have, this firewood is at the stage of firewood. And there we find it before and after. And yet with this past and future, its present is independent of them. Ash is at the state of ash and there we find it before and after. Just as firewood doesn't become firewood again

[53:49]

after it is ash, so many doesn't return to life after his death. When you say, when you explain about time, you think the subject of time in the system of time. Saying the establishing the asset of conception, past, present and future. This conception, past, present, future is established by the system of time, system of time which is created, which our interact senses create. This is the this is

[54:51]

the [...] understanding, this is the one of understanding the subject of time. But in Buddhism, in Buddhism, put the stress on the subject of time. Particularly, the there is no the past and present. The Buddhism says always present and present, present, present, the continuation of present, continuation of present. Now, how you know, how do, how do the conception of of of

[55:52]

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