Good morning. What? Good morning, everyone. Nice to see you from this point of view. Yes. I wanted to talk to you about how I practice, and why I am still here practicing, and my

[01:14]

I know Sojin spoke about mind waves during lectures in the past, recent past. So... I was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease about 17 years ago. and I was practicing here at the time and I remember having a conversation with Dolly Katosi and she said, Isn't that ironical that you have Parkinson's disease because you're so into stillness?"

[02:24]

I said, yep, was. So I began to struggle. The struggle became a fight with the very slow moving progression of this particular disease. So I hid it from most people for as long as I could until I got fired from my job. And then I went home for six months and sat on the couch watching TV because I did not know what to do. And then I got up and drove to the Zed Center.

[03:30]

And I've been here pretty much ever since. I lost my fine motor skills and But I found something else, a stillness in movement that's at the center of activity, and it's always with me. So that was what changed my practice. My practice was still the same practice, but it was the world that was meeting me that changed. So I thought I'd tell you a little story.

[04:43]

When I was seven years old, my father used to take me fishing. And he wasn't like what I think of his most fathers. He was very intent on what he was doing. He didn't talk much. But he said, come on, we're going to go fishing. So we walked down that we had a cabin in the Catskill Mountains and we would look for perch because they could be eaten very nicely. My father loved perch and eel, oddly enough. I developed a liking for eel too. But the most extraordinary thing about that was we would stop rowing.

[05:58]

We'd row out to the middle of the lake and get really quiet because we didn't want to disturb the fish. And then we'd watch. And we'd look over to the side of the boat, watch it And one time I caught my reflection and I started watching that. And I didn't think anything of it. And we'd look for the fin. Perch have a kind of green silvery look about them when they go swimming through the water. Then we'd go home and cook them.

[07:01]

We'd cook perch, we'd cook sunfish. Sunfish were not the best fish to eat because they were very bony. And then we'd play chess. When I was seven, my father taught me to play chess. And unfortunately, I never won, I stalemated him a couple of times, but never won the game. He was just too good for me. Okay, enough of that. Gradually I started to lose things.

[08:06]

Can you not hear me? Don't ask any questions. No, later. I was practicing here and After I lost my job, I moved to Alameda, walked the beach, and every day I walked the beach. I loved swimming, and gradually I could not do those things anymore. So for each thing that happened, I had to find a solution to the problem because to me it was a problem.

[09:10]

It was until I couldn't find a solution anymore, I had to give it up. And giving it up was just what the practice called for. And it was like it was hitting me on the head. Give it up. Give it up. I couldn't write anymore, so I gave up school. I was in JFK University studying liberal arts instead of law.

[10:14]

I was studying for pleasure, but I couldn't do it anymore because I couldn't write. I want to read this little piece from Suzuki Roshi. When you are practicing zazen, do not try to stop your thinking. Well, my mind was going 90 miles an hour, and then I took up research. I googled. I Googled every day. And that made my mind even crazier, trying to find a solution.

[11:24]

I have since given up Google. And I think I'm the better for it. because Google leads you on a long trail. Nothing comes from outside your mind. Usually we think of our mind as receiving impressions and experiences from outside, but that is not a true understanding of our mind. The true understanding is that the mind includes everything. When you think something comes from outside, it means only that something appears in your mind.

[12:30]

You yourself make the waves in your mind. If you leave your mind as it is, it will become calm. So I read this a long time ago and thought, okay, I will leave my mind as it is and see what it does. And that's when I noticed that I was in a perpetual state of reactivity that was very mental. I was constantly seeking. If your mind is related to something outside itself, that mind is a small mind.

[13:42]

So that's what I was, my body was something I was living inside of. So all the symptoms I was experiencing were outside. So as soon as I made peace with the condition I was in, and not knowing what the future would bring, I relaxed. And then I was able to have a calm mind, even though I was shaking like crazy.

[14:47]

Meanwhile, I had the input of myriad neurologists. They thought I had a tremor that was really bad. But I told them, it's okay. I can get along. I was best off lying flat. or sitting on top of my hands. So then I decided to have DBS surgery, deep brain stimulator, where the neurosurgeon has this great monitor, and I can see the monitor. Of course, I don't remember it anymore, They drill holes up here and feed through the folds of your brain these little contacts and then they hook it up to a battery which is implanted in your chest.

[16:19]

It's pretty neat actually. I had a kind of hidden doubt that it would work. But I was willing to try. They swore by it. And it did work, eventually. There were some glitches, but astrologically I should have picked a different day I did check my astrologist. Said to Bruce, Bruce, what do you think? Should I pick another day? So what happened was the brain surgeon broke one of the wires on the right. and the left was where I was having my problems, most of them.

[17:23]

So he says, he told me this right after I got out of surgery, knowing I was gonna forget. So he says, six months from now, after you heal from the first surgery, the one we just did, I can go in and fix it. So I said, okay. So meanwhile, I didn't have much in the way of ease on my left side. But six months later, I went in and I had the surgery and it was fine. They did a great job, except that they taped up my head with something like masking tape. So when they pulled it off, it was like, oh my God, my hair. I looked scary. So, let me go back to my father when I was seven.

[18:36]

My father had this thing that You couldn't water ski unless you passed a test. The test was of endurance in the water. And it took place in a patch of lily pads. So the day came, I think I was seven, I could take the test because I really wanted to, because I wanted to ski. Because all the kids, they would run down the dirt road and run to the lake. And 11 o'clock in the morning, Eddie, who was the guy who lived up there, took out his boat. He had this beautiful crisscross. and took the kids skiing for hours.

[19:43]

So we all waited in line to go skiing. So I went with my father in a motorboat, which is just, you know, this is 1952 or four or something. Things were very different back then. Parents were not afraid to let their children out or to let them wander or stuff like that. So my brother got in the boat with my father and Alice, who was my closest friend, I always had a closest friend, got in the boat so they could root for me. because they wanted me to ski too. So we get to the patch of lily pads on the other side of the lake, and it's like we describe lotuses.

[20:53]

It was in full bloom. It was quite beautiful. And my father says, okay, jump in. He floats the boat into the middle of the patch and drops me in the water. And then I realized how difficult it is. Because if I move my feet, it tangles in the lily pads, which are rooted into the bottom of the lake. So I'm struggling and struggling. Then I realized, don't move your feet, move your arms like that. Suffice it to say, I passed the test. Got to go skiing. But that experience stood out to me, that I had to

[21:56]

I could have died, my father told me. Stop kicking around. And death was something I didn't have any thought for until then. What do you mean die? Well, you know, not to live is to die. My father has actually died a long time ago, 20 years or so. I miss him. Would you tell me when there's 15 minutes? What time is it now?

[23:26]

Fifteen minutes before eleven. Fifteen minutes before eleven? Okay. So, you tell Ross that. Oh, I got it. Yeah. Okay. that everything is included within your mind is the essence of mind. So throughout my life, for the most part, I felt my mind was in my head, which was on my body and you were out there. The Sixth Ancestor talks a lot about the essence of mind. He does not use the term big mind, but he could, he could have.

[24:34]

And I was thinking, is there another term for big mind? Oh, yes, there is. because it made it feel more immediate. It's kind of like the fish are swimming in the water, but they don't know the water, and it's all around them. Like the birds flying in the sky don't know the air, but it's all around them. I should have written that other one down. A mind with waves in it is not a disturbed mind, but actually an amplified one, which I think is an interesting statement because

[25:54]

We are always taking sides between what's good, what's not good. And if you're a Zen student, there's a lot of not good. If you have a busy mind, you think something's wrong or Your legs start to drive you crazy after six days of sitting. I spent a lot of time with this particular peace mind wave.

[27:08]

The activity of big mind is to amplify itself through various experiences. So various experiences for your life are going to be different than for mine. But to know big mind as opposed to everything else would be like the fish knowing the water. I wonder what makes him suddenly realize there's something else going on here in the water. So I spent a little time on Alan's steps.

[28:24]

It was a beautiful day. And I was waiting for my car. They were fixing it. It had a dead battery. And as I'm sitting on Alan's steps, because it was beautiful out, I noticed a fluctuation. between the usual, this is Alan's house, the steps, it looks the same, same every day. And then it didn't, same steps, same everything, but it looked different and it felt different. And then it went back.

[29:30]

I know you're going to have a question about this. But it went back and forth. And I noticed that that must be like fish noticing the water for the first time. Although I've seen this before, but it was an odd kind of phenomenon. then I realize that my body speaks the truth. So if I see something, my body sees it, and it's my body's truth. So even if you don't have this experience, you must have your own that tells you something.

[30:35]

Let me tell you about dyskinesia and dystonia, which is why I flail around here and sometimes fall into people's arms, which I'm very grateful that you're there. Dyskinesia is a wild move that your body will make suddenly. It'll just My legs are where I have it. It's not the best place, but... And I think it's a side effect of the DVS, the Deep Brain Simulator, because I did not have that problem walking before I had the surgery. Dystonia. is when your muscles start twisting.

[31:43]

If your muscles twist, you get a rigid feeling up your body. And I have it going all the way from my arms down to my feet. So my feet will want to stand on my toes. So sometimes I walk like that because Trying to get myself to walk like that, which is a normal way of moving your foot, is almost impossible. I have to laugh at Bruce. He's always telling me to put my foot down. So I miss my old body, but not so much anymore. It has taught me a lot because it's pulled my attention out of my head.

[32:59]

And I've been paying very close attention to my body for years now. Loss is something that I always thought of loss of things or people. People die in your life. But loss of your own ability to function is extremely difficult. Then to be dropped out, put aside, not asked, called on, not, you know, you're not a player anymore. Winston Churchill said something once.

[34:04]

I don't know why I remember this, but I did. The worst thing that could happen to a person, probably said a man, is to be out of the playing field because then you're on the sidelines and you'll stay there until you die. So I can see why people want to function as long as they can. So I came back to the Zen Center with enthusiasm. I figured I could cheat and I could do all kinds of things if people will let me. If they will accept me and not be afraid that I'm going to fall, break my head,

[35:14]

And the police will come. Worst case scenario. Let me read one more story. I'll stop reading it really. My father and I had secret places. that we used to go to. One of the secrets which he prized, this one he never told anyone, was where the eels live. The other one was where the water moccasins live. I personally was into the water moccasins, really wanted to see them.

[36:21]

My father, of course, was into the eels. So the eels were at the northern end of the lake where there were grasses growing in the water. And it was, there was nobody there ever. It wasn't good swimming water. So we would go up there turn off the boat and drift for hours. And my father would hold the line. We'd paint the hook, of course, and wait. He had tremendous patience. When he'd catch one, he'd jump up. He had a net. He'd put the net out, put the eel.

[37:25]

The eel was violently, I mean, they are something else. It's like catching a snake. Well, I guess they are kind of like snakes. And he'd put it in the bag. Then we'd take them home. And they happen to be very good tasting. We'd eat them. The water moccasins were on the southern end of the lake. And they, we could only catch, we didn't take them, we just looked at them. Because they have poisonous bites. But I saw one once, and it was big, and it was glorious. And I was so excited. It was the most extraordinary thing. I think it was seeing that snake that caused me to want to explore the unknown.

[38:40]

OK. I found my face reflected in the water a little like the Zen image. What's the Zen image of Tang Shan? What's the image? Yes, that's it. That had an effect on me. I don't know how, who's telling Sean, what's his Japanese name?

[39:45]

Tozan, of course. Sorry. Tozan was my, uh, shuso koan. Yeah. And I drew, I painted a snake. It's funny how everything is so connected every moment, even though you don't see it. The snake hangs in my bathroom. Yeah. So. With big mind, we accept each of our experiences as if recognizing the face we see

[40:59]

in a mirror as our own. For us, there is no fear of losing this mind. Yeah, it always comes back. There is nowhere to come or to go. There is no fear of death. No suffering from old age or sickness, because we enjoy all aspects of life as unfolding of Big Mind. We do not care for any excessive joy, so we don't cling to the good times. So we have imperturbable composure and it is with imperturbable composure of big mind that we practice Satsang.

[42:14]

Questions, Sojin? Do you have a question? Okay. James. Kurt Ross. You said that Dolly but my mind is busy.

[43:43]

That's because you're split. And then the physical activity, is the stillness and the way you work with it the same or is there a different kind of quality to it? The same as what? The stillness is not conventional, like out there. It's always here. And I don't work with it. I just let it be.

[44:47]

It rises up. Do you know what I mean? Comes from somewhere, I guess, but it rises. Makes me laugh. Yes. It feels that way to me.

[46:15]

It's such a dance. There's this compassion dance of helplessness I feel and the compassion I need to be able to be with. And what stays with me is when you offered this brush painting workshop here. It was one of my first times here. And along with those choices of brushes and just encouraging us to just keep up with the brush. Because at the end, you know, that red And I guess my question is, what is that vibrant compassion dance that we can be in together so that we're both being that way?

[47:57]

Your question is what? Oh, the next step? Oh, you want to go surfing? We could surf. Just get together and do stuff. And in this endearment, I'm not sure if you're really going to hurt yourself. Right. And that's a moment that we can't really predict, but if I'm falling over, you could be there. That's it. Hopefully somebody will be there. Because I think of all of you. as a family, kind of, not like a biological family, but like a community family.

[49:24]

I'm wondering how you encourage people to let go of their fear and give you the space to act and move. If you can offer some perspective on how to encourage people to not let their fear restrict you from trying to do things that's good. Well, it depends on how persistent they are. If they're too persistent, I yell at them. But mostly people don't do that. I think I put out a vibe. Dean. and something about movement is just something that just comes up.

[51:14]

And I'm wondering, is imperturbable composure, is that too something that just comes up for you? Maybe, too something. Yeah, comes up. No, I did five years of Tai Chi practice and work. So my body is somewhat more flexible than most people. And there's like, You've seen, probably seen me do one of these where my leg goes up in the air and I'm going down like that.

[52:17]

That's from Tai Chi. And I'm not perturbed because I'm not afraid of falling. If I do go over, I roll and hold my head. Is that good? See ya! It's like the essence of equanimity.

[53:26]

In the midst of all this amazing dance. Yeah, it is like dancing. Susan? On this Buddha's Enlightenment Day observed, I think we're going to have a party tomorrow. Do you have any thoughts or ideas about ways to celebrate? Buddha's Enlightenment? Well, we usually do a celebration here. I haven't heard about it, so I really would like to know who's in charge.

[54:33]

Okay, I suppose you've got it under control. Okay. Brianna. That was last week. I have not thought a lot about it because I've had the experience before.

[55:43]

Where do I think it's going forward? Is that the question? Oh, yeah. Well, It was like a bridge. Like, oh, that's what big mind is. It's all around and inside and out, you know? So what's the big deal? What's the trouble we're all in? We're all having trouble, including myself. It gave me hope and faith, more faith, It supported my faith. That's better. Andrea? I've talked to a lot of people like that.

[57:22]

I usually run into them at Parkinson's conferences and they all want to know what I'm doing. And I try not to give advice because my body's very different. My mind is different. I'm something of an anomaly in the Parkinson's community. Even the head of the neurology department at UCSF says, well, I call it Parkinson's, but you are an anomaly. So I don't know what to do with that. I don't, I give happiness to people with Parkinson's that are suffering. If they want to know what I'm doing, I give them something close to mindfulness practice because it's through paying attention that you can make decisions about your body.

[58:33]

And there are a lot of medications and such that kick off side effects that are horrific. They're really bad. If you can notice something is up, then you can make a change and see what happens. Because then you're getting closer to being independent in the world with your body. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah.

[59:18]

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