good evening
i'm i'm endeavoring tonight to speak to you
so among other things if you can't hear me
would you know let me know and then either i can talk more loudly or we can turn up the volume
also when i say i'm endeavoring to speak to you
well it turns out that and may and this may as the forty fifth anniversary of since i've been practicing zen
you would think of course that i would have gotten somewhere by now
virginia that's the way it goes

anyway over those forty five years i have been to a lot of talks
so i have my own sensibility about the kind of talks i like and the kind of dogs i don't like so i like to give you the kind of talk that i would like
it may not be the kind of talk that you and like
that's the way it goes
but my aim is you know a lot of talks and if you go to school you understand a lot of types or i'm gonna tell you what's in my head so i can be in your head
i'm a talk from my heart to your heart to the degree i can in from my body in a to your body
from your face to my face

so i may not be given you know much information
ah right you get out of a bug
what zen looks like red berries and looks like or what to do and what not to do
and this is largely the way we approach things you know what to do what not to do and if and then you
you create your idea what to do and what not to do and then you know the right way to be
so that right so that you gain approval and recognition and let you avoid criticism and punishment how will you do that mrs card you know saying if you can put on a good performance for your public
if you're in a zen center it in your part of that will be you would want to his spiritual you would want to be seen as being spiritual what the spiritual look like
have you walked around to her
you can see what it looks leg on the whole it's pretty serious
that's when spiritual looks night because that's people anyway get that idea to be a spiritual i can't be and then i hear this week you know
by the way you can think what you want of me
i'm you know and and you will
i'm you know and some people say ed brown is a brilliant and other people say he is full of it some people say oh yes he's a good teacher for beginners
another people say he's useless for beginners his grip and know he said can think a cynical his bitter his negative and occasionally maybe that of funny but you know his humor doesn't always go over
and he seems to have his own private joke and and and i don't know what it's so funny that his rotten egg
know people say all kinds of things about me and what does anybody know i'm not sure i would either
but you know it's yours phone with thing to come up with observations and judgments who is this person do i wanna be like him or not
what does he have to offer or not you know i was in a movie people say and brown has nothing enlightening to offer in this movie
okay
other people say
my life changed
so when i say i'm going to endeavor to speak to you i know i might i might not read my aim is to talk to speak with you

i came to here to test her first or the summer of nineteen sixty six
my friend alan winter i and designs and ski trip i think it was the last sense and your ski trip
in the spring of nineteen sixty six and met someone named richard baker richard baker told him that sense and it was thinking about maybe buying some land down here zen center had one thousand dollars approximately in the bank
and there was this place contest sahara and she said to my friend why didn't you get a job there's some my friend down and got a job here is the handyman and he'd tell me i could probably get a job here in the kitchen which i did
the kitchen was where the pit is now it was a pretty nice kitchen with the tower open air tower opened the job so basically came through
and where the student in an area it was the bar is raised for many years and destination drinking spot
dr the fourteen mile dirt road get a drink go to the hot tubs
oh well those were the days
so and then they were the kitchen is now that was the tessa her dining room where the dining room is now that's where the bags lived
and it was divided up into rooms

and so when we worked in the kitchen if it was hot in the summer you could order from the bar carta blanca or sec is or some of the cooks would have gin and tonic with this twist of lime
so am i know cause if you're a cook you know you want to cool off and keep cool and and good humor
maybe had helped to take the edge of
i'm so i got a job here washing the dishes
and washing the pots and then they were making a beautiful bread so i asked them where you teach me and they said you bet
so then i was the dishwasher the pot washer and baker
and then about halfway through this summer one of the cooks quit and the owners of trousers a why don't you be the cook
and so then i started cooking
so that was the summer of nineteen sixty six so i had to an av months experience cooking and since then has said that than that fall you know it was arranged presents and to bite us are three hundred thousand dollars and you know we had to raise two thousand and five hundred and twenty five
thousand dollar downpayment
so we had garage sales and car washes and also there was a zen if it
there were posters in san francisco zenefits and you know the silhouette of run the mountains here the quicksilver messenger service the jefferson airplane and big brother and the holding company for a benefit for the san francisco zen center
it was that the avalon ballroom
there were hundreds of people there i think that tickets were
four dollars or five
it's been for the tickets for rock concerts went way up you know
and as superior she gave a talk at one point at the
xenith it to these hundreds of stoned hippies
and we raised from that xenophon eighteen hundred dollars

that winter there was a for i think caretakers here for the zen center
and i have not to this day heard you know what happened but they decided they had heard somehow that sen the we needed to have a new kitchen before the next guest season
this is not accurate information but they thought they had heard this they were not in close communication with the city there was at that point of found through the woods and a single wire and if there was a storm and a branch fell on it was down into you walk the line
so i'm in there
whatever state they ran from whatever they were consuming
they decided we need to have a new kitchen before we open next year so we better tear down the old one
so at some point we got down here and what was dubbed the kitchen was that platform
and there were three walk-in refrigerators that the far side of the blood from the dead that their you open them during the day close them at night i mean open them at night close them during the day so you open them at night to get the cold darien close them during the day to keep the cold air there
so we had refrigeration i'm in the summertime down to about eighty degrees

and the first kitchen and after that was where the dish is now but it's or as a kitchen it was had been the cruise dining room that was our kitchen and there was enough space to walk around in a central table if two people can pass if you'd turn sideways
there was a counter at the end
as to and the stoves that are now and our nuke our kitchen and one other smaller stove three stoves a gas refrigerator when the the sink and a whole wall ourselves and then there was a storeroom outside
at which has since gone to
and then we did dishes out on the porch in the you know outside
and brother david stand as to some of you know benedictine monk i was the first dishwasher
for the first practice period which was in the summer of nights and sixty seven
so i attended the first seven practice periods here it does to her that's in the agenda which was then the bar was converted into the zendo a dining room was joined down and we started working on building a new kitchen
and you know we did everything ourselves
the first septic tank here we done by hand
it took weeks now we know get a backhoe

so the people as i mentioned i was visiting her in february
i was that the first seven practice foods i was at eleven of the first thirteen practice breads i reserved for the first seven summers are three those summers they worked in the kitchen i worked in the office i one summer i did stonework
and i can't remember the other similar to
i was shaker when summer
anyway
and the teachers i practiced with aren't here they're gone
with three of the seven she says who led the first seven practice braids are gone
the that i sat in isn't here the kitchen i worked in isn't here

oh we're only here you know
for a few more moments maybe not even a few more maybe this is our last moment
suzuki roshi said are one morning when we were sitting

don't move
just die
nothing will help you now because this is your last moment
not even enlightenment or help you because you have no more moments
so don't move
be true to yourself
and sit
sir this is interesting you know to be what is it to be true to yourself
and it's so easy to go off from this

as a men's mentioning you know how we think the way to go through life is to dream up a picture create a picture of how i should be
and mostly this is a picture that we have we didn't consciously created but we have it we know how to be
what we went through what we experienced in how should i be so that i get approval and avoid criticism and punishment or do i need to do
and then if i got enough approval and avoided enough goodism and punishment anyway it never works there's it
hasn't been working lately he go to your life and something doesn't work people are unhappy with you they have a problem you have a problem you're not the way you're supposed to be not spiritual know you're not enlightened enough as if you are spiritually enlightened you wouldn't have the problems you're having read you
if you were spiritual and enlightened then you know it would get a lot easier right
where do you suppose it's good for this spiritual this enlightenment is realization know i just think i will get it i will have it and i will do what i need to do in order to get it and then we have an idea how do i manifest myself how do i perform so i look good so alex
spiritual so they everybody begins to approve and recognize me for the master pro spiritual person being that i am
there are various problems with this one is it doesn't work
it you know you're a hard audience
you know you're doing the best you can hear you know trying to be no i'm happy buoyant cheerful calm peaceful don't get angry don't know watch out for desire don't have any preferences and save you can a regulate your mind and hold it you know and keep it the way it's supposed to be
be
so they didn't last you could go i did it i got my mind just the way it's supposed to be and i've kept it that way now for eighteen years
you've got a grip on yourself by that point

and of course you can't do this you know you can't keep the right mind when you're supposed to have where you think you're supposed to have and you keep having experiences that it's you told yourself i'm not going to do that anymore and it's like new years resolutions right
hereby bid hit by resolve that i will and i won't and know and then the other problem with this is
if you got all that approval what would it be good for
who cares
and what i came to
this was after years in our surveyors and you know and this is ongoing you know how do you get out of this
worrying about audience in our approval you know it's right calvin going to his dad and saying ah dad are you know your approval ratings are down
in his dad says i'm not calvin scuse me but i'm not aiming for high approval ratings i'm aiming to raise you to be a good person or something like this in their develop your character something the cabins is your your approval ratings are not going to go with that attitude

so anyway the other problem areas you know what we would long for what is it you long for deeply
what is it you long for most deeply
what do human beings along for
it's your heart with something comes into your heart and touches you and the cheer hard extends out to meet others in the world and then she began to have finally a connection with your heart to yourself to others to the world and the world and others and you
to come into your heart
and you think well i could love myself if i got enough approval
and when will that be
so at some point you might decide in a red
maybe i just go ahead and love somebody who doesn't quite measure up
this person i am who doesn't quite measure up maybe i could just go ahead and have a kind feeling of tender hearted feeling for this poor miserable person who still doesn't measure up isto hasn't gotten anywhere know is still not com page
in tolerant graceful boy and cheerful kind you know i'm and still is getting angry irritated annoyed frustrated and tired bored for a new worried anxious stressed you know
oh well
so i'm at some point you know and over and over again for me i have shifted
how do i have a tender feeling for myself could i just go ahead and awkwardly is it might be begin to
appreciate sense received myself receive others
so this is a shift from in know what i use your consciousness is i'm going to come up with the judgments this is right this is wrong i wouldn't do what's right is and spiritual this isn't i'll do the spiritual and at some point
what's in my heart
what's in your heart
what is your deep bridge or suzuki roshi coded the most important point what is the most important point
and you know you can answer the most important point not once and for all but you know right now but do you feel
what is it
and you might have a feeling and thought sensation when you might get a little hint and when you keep asking
more and more your hard reveals itself what is most important
and you begin to be present being yourself an authentic person with all the issues and problems you have and not trying to shift into performance to hide
you know what you might get criticised are punished for it
and you give yourself to that one thing after another
huh

so again this is an important shift from given our judgments
and directives without directors do this don't do that
this is good this is bed you i don't write that
read you know to instead of giving out with your consciousness with your mind giving out directives read about receiving your experience and then it come into your heart is a suzuki roshi staging let things come home to your heart
mrs dogan sanchez teaching this is our lineage jurgen says that things come and abide in your heart let your heart return and bide in things
this is and you're not worrying then like em how would you know how well or poorly you're doing that
this is outside of different than improve approval when your disapproval
praise blame
it's not subject to the same kind of some people out there and you might be unknown again judging your performance bit
okay
if you're gonna be busy judging your performance you know another problem is you're only as good as your last performance
say your self esteem is going to be pretty feds or if you know checking yourself out how am i doing and dogan rest heart you know thirteenth century he said people nowadays
the thirteenth century where people nowadays and we can say the same today know people nowadays who has studied the way don't understand where the wind aids or ends so they strongly desire to see to gain visible results
what are these visible results your performance has improved
now i'm calm now and buoyant now in spiritual can't you tell
because other people seem to have a hard time getting convinced if any of this so had a perform even better
oh
so also said mr duggan said

so it's worth noticing but what you think one way or another is not a help for realization
then you're cautious not to be a small minded
if realization dependent upon your prior thoughts it would not be trustworthy
realization does not depend upon your thoughts it comes right comes forth far beyond them
realization has helped only by the power of realization itself
know then that their know that then there is no delusion and know realization
it's easy to have ideas this is enlightenment or realization this is division i'm going to get the realization i'm gonna not have the delusion when you know what happens then
then you start trying to not notice the delusion and you're still trying to produce the experienced that you'd think you should have
and then when that's not working out and getting you to the compliments and appreciation than what's wrong with those people get mad at them
he upset because they didn't like your act
home anyway
i dug in a in also said when you attain realization you don't think ah realization just as i expected
even if you think syria says realization is not like your expectation realization does not take place according to your conception or whole life life doesn't happen because you know this is like people in know like when you fall in love with somebody
judge they'd fall in love with somebody
we start with you fall in love with your projection which he put on assembly and it fits close enough to stick their for a little while
and you know if you're fortunate or unfortunate enough to get married
works about fifty fifty maybe
and then you know and young and other people said you need to re on your projections and actually find out who am my living with
and once you're not busy with your on trying to measure up who are you
what are you feeling when you stop trying to read write your enlightened and not make you deluded
who are you then
what are you feeling ready use since ain't ready you thinking
where do you seeing ready you smelling where do you taste in reading your touching what is it
receiving it's come into your hard can it be touched by the world by your experience
so
if you're aiming for approval that's called sim sorrow it's some sarah because it doesn't work
no matter how much proven you get the only as good as your last performance and even if you get all that approval nobody knows you because you were just performing
who would know you
people just know your performance
nobody knows you
so this is big problem for us how are you going to ever have anybody meet you
have you meet anybody how are you gonna do that that little person inside that small
scratch or vulnerable part of us you know to actually meet means being vulnerable and this vulnerable
where's the body was inside
and you know you wouldn't want to show anybody in the vulnerable vulnerability it's scary
because whereas in scary him i get attacked it might be blamed so it's better to just have that be your performance
i want anybody actually meet you
face to face
look deeply into you
how will you made something
and that's though vulnerable enough to really made a vulnerable
you're not masterful
when your master failure
impervious
how do you meet somebody who's that masterful
suzuki ratio was not a masterful
except occasionally when he needed to be
he thought it might help us occasionally
don't move just die
hmm
i bet you know a couple of yesterday or today earlier i saw it was i'm talking with alan blog on the bridge and allen was standing there and remembering when that bridge was there without the benches without the railing there's just a little wooden rails
and suzuki roshi was standing there when he came with a group of friends from the narrows
you know back in his sixties early seventies and suzuka she turned around and looked at them
and smiled and allen said i felt that he felt received
matt seen so many of us had this experience with some new jersey
beyond your performance
mariah
and you know where a tender vulnerable good hearted sweet person and were also bound listen last

am i went to say just a little bit about hands

i spent a you know twenty years said the zen center
as i mentioned you know as seven years here it doesn't hurt most of seven years
initially
i spent a number of years that the city center i lived the city centre and across the street from the city's center for ten years
i was on the zen center fast track
you know you drop out of college to go to the mountains and attain true realization and the next thing buyer mr manager he no tanto president zen center chairman of the board i had all three jobs at one point
so then i interrupt or two or three years of that i dropped out i became a bus boy greens
and then the while after that i was the manager in the wine buyer
you know how that works
you see things and you act on them
it's not following the rules it's not found the directions you see what needs to get done and you do it or you talk with about it with other people how to get that done and you make it happen
and i i know how to do that it's a gift
and but it's also something you can stay in something i've studied
but when i left here after twenty years
our for instance i went to an akito class and in a kid across they say protect your put at your hand and some is going to attack me and they say okay put out your hand i put out my hand and know and thirty eight or forty years old whenever it is and this person across me some young kids as well puts
some energy in your hand

i've tried to hand excuse me you how do i do that
how do you get energy into your hand the your consciousness
can you get the your consciousness and your hand
and here's this young kid in know who can tell
this in your hand
so i got out in the world and i found out in know essentially that had been i them in been an institutionalized person
i've been committed
finally let myself out try to save i can you know live in the real world papers they will where's the energy in your hand
so i spent years trying to find my hands

you know i i went to i was taking a hands on healing classes and then i asked the teacher about hands and they said in a lot of the time i can't find my hands you know i i sends us and then you know it seems like my awareness comes down to my wrist where the hands and he said
new spiritual people are all alike aren't you
some people are these kind of really brilliant brash know it all kind of people you know so he'll explain it to maybe
like isn't as obvious a spiritual people are all alike i said where do you mean all right he said well you know you spiritual people are all old souls you've been through so many lives previously you don't want to make the same mistakes over again
so just to be sure you don't do the wrong thing don't have hands
here you're gonna be like you know me
yeah i met at one point instead when he was growing up in his fundamental his family they had to sing of those some little hands watch what you do that of the roads were you stab and so forth you know in your head to keep an eye on them his hands can do bad stuff and so
yeah said there keep your hands to yourselves keep your hands to yourself and then so we learn this that where your hands
and then finally one damn i was doing these hands on healing sessions with them are barbara jean and barbara jane coincidentally i was against the nick green gods for three weeks and after three weeks him and said a barbara jean now have you talked to one of the
practice leaders and budget know and they said well you know you really ought to
that's part of our practice to go and talk to a practice leader so barbara jean said she signed up to talk with a von rand
so you know another time we can talk about divine but she went to see on and barbara jean said well i'm i'm practicing here at gringotts and i'm a guest in and you know what should i
you know what should i watch out for
and is anyone said don't get stuck on your cushion
so barbara jean left

and since she found this school and started studying hands on healing and she's been doing that ever since it's called integrated awareness i a i used to say barbara jane once a month and so this one time i'm sitting there align their there and said barbara jean in sometimes i'd look at my hands and they just not my hand
as
i don't look like my hands and know twenty years of zen practice
sirius and practice serious
you know fifty or sixty says shane's i know whatever
and i said these hands and my hands and garbage in people respond differently to this kind of stuff and barbara jean bizarre and she said well who's are they
and i said some big persons
you know how big your when your hands are some big persons
and she then she said and where are yours
and i felt around and said brother in the elbows
how how big are you when your hands are in your elbows in or three
for or maybe
some of us have hands that probably aren't even down to our elbows to know
left behind when you're a baby
maybe some some people leave their hands behind in the room can be careful
not get into trouble
can we all have in a very tendencies said barbara jean said you know were born here we are we have certain give certain limitations are working instead we're working through things are have a lifetime journey robert james said at do me a favor
i'd like you to work on extending your little hands into your big hands a shrinking your big hands down in june little hands
so this is a one specific example
you know with your directives and your judgments you'd tell your hands went to do do this
and then you'd tell them how to do that rather than can you find your hands and fear what we're doing feel what they're sensing
you know charlotte silver to censor when and three years since say you know pick up this stone what is that like
when people say what should i be feeling
what would be the right experience to have i want to get the right experience i don't want to just have any own experience i want the right ones that tell me what the right when is and i'll be able to check and see if i'm having the right experience and then maybe you would approve of me and you wouldn't tell me i was wrong so let's make sure it can you just have your experience and see what your hair
and tage you see what it feels like when you pick up a knife remove a chair or how to play or you know do the dishes in a walk around tasmania where your hands do you have hands and these hands are one third of the connection between your consciousness new body one third
of the motor neurons go to your hands one third of the sensory neurons come from your hands huge huge upgrade the connection between my pneumoniae
and one other thing about this and it's time for me to stab
but when you said
middle finger and middle finger right to the edge of your palm
when knuckles or in top of the knuckles the other fingers come short of the palm
middle fingers ride to the edge and your thumb tip stage
so after about forty years i thought i would steady this
when you could start little sooner if you want it
i was busy being a spiritual person you know if your spiritual you have to be serious and not smiled too much and not joke around i'm sorry
i'm a bad example for you been a little flip and now and again
but if you hold your when you hold your hands here and if you put your finger middle finger
and where do your hands need to be so your fingers can line up and your middle finger is exactly there
and my hands is did my hands are down in my lab like when did be hard to hold them up
and if they're down in the labs and my hands are like this may not like this
but if you're interested then you can study
how do i have my hands
how do i connect my hands as my heart and this middle finger is the heart finger that's where you flip people off with it
and you're also saying that to yourself and to own heart and you're cutting off your heart when you through paper of sooner i say

say here
this finger so if you have when you have this finger here and his sense this is very suddenly you see you can sense where does that connect in my body
and you can paint goes up the arm

and up the shoulders and then it's across the friend
when it comes right over your heart
and your hands easily stay here because you're not holding them up we're connecting them with your heart and then they rest here in your heart
thank you for being here and and
oh my warm wishes and love lessons