Given on Friday, September 4, 2009
About this talk
Use of the word love; controlling reality so as not to feel disappointment.
You can hear me writing back OK if you can hear me at some point you know wave or something. So after noon I want to talk a little bit about communication skills I left because. It's challenging to scale but. You know there's some to say for people to think big and you know it actually says simmers sometimes in Buddhist teachings all you need to do is meditate I don't think it's quite true I think a lot of things are really helpful including communication skills so over the years I've ever to study. Something about communication and especially in new you know we nation chip and. I may not be the best but you know I'm not the worst. Work in progress you know so. First of all I wanted to say something about love and I mention this from time to time but I love like like I was saying earlier like mindfulness is can be misused. And here's how it goes you know don't be sad I love you. By the fact that I love you keep you from feeling sad that you know I love you you don't need to be sad I love you. Don't be angry I love you. Is that love I would say that you know if it's love it means Thank You can be static or you. Tell me something about that. I'm interested in you know I'd love to be able to share that with you not like don't be sad I love you. And the opposite of bad is. We were in groups and. I carry. Anyway. Oh I know. I feel scared now and you should be able to do something about it you know if you let me you know I wouldn't get scared so you need to let me better start or have to carry on Epi said it to feel afraid so don't it to feel worried and if you let me more I wouldn't be feeling missed is that true so we use the things we use it in writing which it's not actually doing it's not about Latino or misusing the word and you know that's actually looking for Savior our Savior. You know if you really love me if you were really my savior if you were really my savior it's I wouldn't have to feel that I'm feeling good so you could wave your magic wand and love me enough but I wouldn't you know that wouldn't be the case and. So is this love I don't think so but this is what we start looking for these things and then we start calling it love being nice to have you know we wouldn't have to feel certain painful feelings when somebody loves and. It's so disappointing isn't it you know it starts out like this person I'm sure and then you don't have to feel unhappy anymore only do so maybe they stop loving you. So it's very interesting. And so I do encourage a good steady you know what is love and does love mean you don't have to ever feel your feelings or get somebody else shouldn't have to feel their own feelings can save you or protect you from difficult feelings I would say no love is there whipped you when you have those feelings you don't abandon yourself you don't abandon your dinner companion your partner and you don't say you shouldn't have that feeling because I had of you and I shouldn't have to have the feeling I'm having and she loved me more. It's. So love doesn't actually have any power. Two you know and that's actually so she with what we usually call control you know to control what's going on in my reality I would think it's going to be Sam way to control. And maybe to control reality so I don't have to feel ever uncomfortable or. Difficult to painting and it's a it's you know it's taken into the church the attitude I tried out a few times or to realize it's not going to like that and of course then you can too. As I do that when you get married you say you have to reopen your projections and find out who you are living with. Kidney problems up to the projections and then you take them back and find out it's it's you don't have inherited this person you could quick quick quick. So this is it so stated you know and then there's other language in that we do especially around relationships and but not just relationships and we have certain you know language habits that aren't so skillful. They're actually in a way in their own way skillful because if you're good at and you can you know at least tabulation of controlling others with your language. And I've known some people who are very. Very good at these things you know Marcia Rosenberg who did communication saved if you can't understand what I say you have an auditory you have a hearing problem and if I can't understand what you say you have an initiation problem. And if I don't listen to what you tell me it's because you never taught me how to do that. Pharaoh could languaging Nothing ever has to be your fault. And it's always the other person's you know fault and then we're here with your skill players of mine which you can control them and get them to do it you want. Of course they're cute but sir that skillful it gets and it and it's not true anyway. So. You never listen to me is it true. You. Do what you want to we always do what you say rules to what you want to do. Always and never statements are never. It's really good to make noise and never statements a little just a little provisional you often oh it seems to me that we often do it. But it's also OK to just shifted into a very particular situation I don't really want I don't really want to go to the movies tonight I'd like to stay home I'm sorry I just am not up to it rather than we always do what you want and I don't want to have to always do it you want to and it's right not just to prepare particular situations. But you know one of the big ones. You make me so mad. Can anybody do that to make me sad you make me so depressed disturb me make you something when you know. You said you know it's not true so this example of trying to you know defeat here depressing you need to change the way you are so I don't have to feel what I'm feeling right you know why would you want to make yourself a victim of somebody else's behavior and say that their behavior makes you anything when you're sad and you didn't want to grow up in it being. Sad that's not sane you make me sad. When you didn't want to go for a walk with me I felt angry because I really I really wanted to do that are cut disappointed because I was with looking forward to spending time with you and that way it took nearly sixty make me. Disappoint me so much you make me so anytime here if you're here make me it's a little flag draped leg or but it's going to make you anything and this is you know part of owning your own experience and there's no way you're going to be able to contribute at the world are you sure the idea of how to can. Do affect my experiences I need to control and manipulate everybody around me so that they behave the way that should so I only feel the things I want to feel and how do I get all the people in things around me to behave the way they're supposed to so I do you know what I'd like to know it's sound so difficult and so impossible. My next door neighbor. Her daughter seven so sometimes your daughter would say what would some ice cream I pick for dinner and my neighbor would say Cheer go you know we're just about to have dinner I don't want you to have any ice cream you know you are such a loony you are. So terrible what a horrible person you are you're just such a horrible mommy and unable it's a. Pretty. When you can't have something that you really want that's called disappointment. And I think you're old enough now to begin to be feel disappointed without attacking somebody when you're disappointed and you know because you know you're young but you know alter your life there's going to be disappointments. And you know it's possible to be disappointed and that's a feeling that we have sometimes and it comes up and you can feel that disappointment and it doesn't mean you need to attack somebody gets and when you text him right you're attacking me I feel hurt that you know and I don't I don't want to feel hurt with you I want to feel you know good together and I'd really rather you didn't attack me and I don't and so then I wouldn't feel very good service is you know what's going on and the Buddhist logic it's not you make me anything it's just not true it's giving up your power and your reality and putting somebody else in charge of it and that's just not accurate when you said when you did I felt when a man that's Buddhist causation and that's you know what we Buddhists like to think it's an accurate. They never causes B It's when A then B. There's no way that a actually makes B. And if you look closely you can see if there's no way that they make spirits when I gets occasion when you stand and to chip in right or are you already hearing which here are you you know could centime simply when you criticise me at some point you know you have to try to save somebody it's a way I can explain to you. You know and wonder if you could look at what you're doing and you can if we could look at that and. In a way if we can look at that without you feeling criticized to do there's some way we did it Russia Rosenberg's example if she was teaching at a high school class and the kids are all over at the window of the second floor talking to their friends down the road he said I wonder if you would be willing to come over and sit down and they go right on talking so funny because ever to them at the window he says Excuse me sir what did you hear me say he said we had to go sit down. I wondered if I could if you could tell me how I might say that so you didn't hear it it's a demand. Oh OK Well sit down. Demands isn't it a good one you know it's better not to make demands it's better to make requests I'm wondering if you'd be willing to come sit down. And you know this is a difference between you know observations away and you said when you did and if you can observe and describe what somebody did it's different in evaluating case. When you sense that you're being criticized that's different than whether they were criticizing you. Or there may be some doubt is that a criticism or is that just something they sold or what. Was going on there so what you hear and you hear what people say or do you hear something that is year old material so even with my pen sometimes it's very hard it's been very hard for me to hear something other than you wrong here bad. You made a terrible mistake and especially if you're claiming to not hear any of these things to anything right this is. The way of any of you are uncountable I'm happy with my talk at you know tell me about it afterwards. So they should news never you make me right when you said when you did I felt it's a whole different statement and somebody else makes you stand and it's and it's much more you know about reality I know the way we try to do so by using a kind of a statement you make me it's saying so you need to change your behavior so I won't feel right and I want to have the point of view. If there's somebody else was responsible for you know you and you putting yourself in a child position. So another thing we commonly do is. In our party more than once and somebody will come to one day sitting and say Right you know my partner tell me it was really stop issued me to go meditate just mentation selfish and. I don't think that's true and but what they mean is I am really disappointed they were not you not spending the day with me I was looking forward to spending a day with you and now you're going to take so that se it se it's not actually separate It just means I was looking forward to seeing you and I won't be or you know I'm one happy that you you know you seem to have a life of your own could create. A fake. Anyway where people you know we call each other all kinds of things you're selfish and greedy and eighty Don't be like rather than actually acknowledging what's going on with me and so rather than revealing something about it sounds we just label somebody else you're greedy or selfish or needy you want to march. You need to chest you need to change. And this is related to the fact that you know often times there are so many things going on in our life and so many causes and conditions for what's going on at this it's very easy to get when anything is going on it's the other person's fault it's most obvious thing it can be because right if you're. If you're feeling sad and you know the other person doesn't love you and happening and doing that for you going and kicking out the trash there's too much corridor in the house because you know whatever and if the other person will just change then you wouldn't have to feel sad or angry or depressed it's because that is the most obvious thing. So we have some tendency to look at for the most obvious thing is the explanation and feeling sister like there's no single cause for feelings and there's no there's no single explanation. For me one of the obvious cases of this was. I was in a relationship for twenty years and then my mom died and my partner's father died within ten or eleven days so they were both grieving it's your fault. A parent just died and this happens all the time you know children a child can die and then you're terrible create and it's your partner's fault it's not your partner's fault but it's so he feeds and city and. Start to blame your partner. So it's you know we guard it you know it's it's going to help it can you can actually have your feelings rather have been thinking so Chimpy out changing your behavior will mean that you don't have to have unpleasant Kiran's So that's a kind of you know it Lucian into relation to think you could get somebody else to behave in such a way that you would never have to have and kept repeating rings it's a tremendous. Difficulty problem in relationship nobody else is going to do that for you nobody else is going to save you from actually feeling sometimes disappointed worried and shoots stressed discouraged depressed angry irritated. You can have all this feelings oh well so it actually turns out that you know having all these feelings are the paths that get you as we talked about after lunch you know down the garden not that you want to act them out and be dramatic and just. Get motional about it all but you know you can have them you can learn how to acknowledge your feeling and not pretend or believe any longer that it's somebody else's fog. And actually our emotions in you became to be a kind of guide or sorry. For the path your problem and your problems in difficulty are the Pappe of the way rather than the way is free of problems and difficulties if you're going about it the right way so. You know usually when we're younger we look for somebody who is going to solve the problems for us you make me so happy for a couple years. But for the honeymoon three months. You're not making me happy anymore. I guess you know let me know you're making me mad now you're making it had stopped at how do we do this. And meditation will help you with this. Feeling what is going on inside if that's what the way you choose to meditate to feel what's going on inside rather than trying to tell yourself how to behave and again you state where I started to day lives we can notion that we start out with directives and rules about what to do what not to do what's good what's bad. And then if I don't work camping or Spicher reinforcements. It's spiritual to be quiet it's spiritual to become. So then you can see if you can produce some spirituality and yourself. And this is the difference I also sometimes put it. Between up to a turn model and you know the nurturing Percheron says do what I tell you and I don't want any feedback and no chain Mahmoud's tell me more about. It it ain't you Bret your sense to waste your breath how does it get when you listen carefully and when you receive you. What are you really thinking what are you really feeling. And you begin to shift from giving out directives to sensing experiencing observing perceiving reality this is a big big shift and there's no end it's not about getting better directions it's just a decision I'm going to start experiencing. Reality perceiving observing experiencing sensing what's happening rather than trying to tell myself and everyone else how to behave so I didn't want to. Hear Sometimes I feel like you know with women's liberation everything men are God and sort of you know they're the bad guys you know the women are so you know have been so what is it you know dominated for all B. Century for goodness sakes it's a male dominant culture and stuff but I just wanted you to understand that you know guys are kind of factual. And you know be. Warned Fairuz written about this are going so. Really the strength of women is their. It's their words. It's about you know the way you look the strength of women is that they look so volatile and weak and the weakness of men is that they look so strong. Here to be so strong extreme and just appear to be stronger. So you know because if you're if you're a woman you can say well I don't know how to do this and then all these oh I can help you were here let me show you and I mean. And with guys you have Syria like you can't do that. But. I heard this wonderful story recently about somebody giving a talk and he says you know when his wife goes in the kitchen to cook she has the radio going Seltzer chance in itself and she's cooking and people are coming right and she's talking to her and she's cooking dinner and people are visiting and then you know they all eat me have a good time and when he cooks came to the husband he says he closes the doors to the kitchen he turns out the radio he turns up with cell phone. And if it's Wife comes to the door to say hello he says oh. So stressful can't you. Baby. So it actually turns out you know that I don't think you know women have any idea you know we are you know. Especially in this terms of. You know women actually can what could be good dinner the chair muffin used as multitask you know you do. And you can take in many to just being very narrowly focused and when you do mission and it's only what I do. So anything else that happens it's terrible interruption and breaking your concentration and I used to think there was something wrong with me because I was like that and it turns out I look OK. So there's a big relate. So I wanted to give you any case you're interested when you're a man or woman I want to give you some advice for you know if you ticket for guys and so one of us is considered just saying. What he going to play. It For You want to before you talk about anything with the guy you say I'm wondering if we could talk for a minute. I would say because it takes a little it takes a moment or two or six for a guy to turn its attention to you. To do this. Little narrow focus. Whoa. There you are but. When you want to talk oh. Good because it's Arabic if you just think you guys are going to be able to talk when you talk to them I mean you can get so upset when they can't and. I just want to see what you're doing today. So. Look it's. So Dr especially it's really it's still if you don't just assume that you can have their attention whenever you want it this is also true of kids you know it's very tempting as the parent. To just walk into the room and say why didn't you take out the trash sort of like. But if they come to you you say excuse me I'm on the phone. So when they you know it's the we're the lower person lower in the hierarchy comes to you. You can say Excuse me no I'm P.C. OK just you know I'm going to take kid misstep when you're all that you know but if it's your kid you know they can't no matter what they're involved in you know you can tell them whatever you want to tell them whatever you want to tell because it's you your mom your dad you can you know you can barge into their reality anytime so guys are much more like kids that's great you know don't just go barging into our reality. Like you're so special and important I know you're special and important. So I really tried now to make a point of a morning if you have a few minutes to do that and then I mean I say people sometimes get you call my name rather than just start talking and and it's wait for me. Oh. Like sift you know cake somebody and cement have this thing like you have to shift your attention take it off of this one thing and. So I found it very helpful and it's so much easier for people around me are able to do this road and say what you want about such and such. What what it's like such a word. I just can't I can't say it sentences have gone before I even know where that anybody is talking to me and if I could. But that brings up the second thing which is. Years ago we had in of this she Jeppe you would sense and if you want to read about it it's a book called She's outside the door. And Richard Baker writes depos there's be abit of sense in Europe and during that whole process I've been on the board of directors and censor but then I was invited to start changing Gordon's canon and lo and behold it was like the chairman. Right at that time we started having small group meetings and communication skills groups and George filling and marching it's weird we hired to be our consultant to teachers about communication skills and things. And George is one of those joint chips are nappers and one of them was for instance wives I don't answer why questions like why did she stay. Right here talking to me right and Trichet take I don't answer what. I don't know because I mean he had. Been quiet like I got into. A creature I need to. Anyway so that was our image or justice and ever ask a question and this is especially true for guys and I'm not sure that women understand this the way that men do but if you ask a man a question you are confronting him why did you state at. What were you thinking what do you want what do you want for breakfast. And it's like you know it's like the ability of several rived. Because authorities get to ask you questions why are you speeding. Why haven't you done your homework. So it sends it to questions like. There's a tendency I have this tendency and I'm excited if that's just me it's a guy thing. I don't know. And so when I get asked a question I have sort of like Ike and a lot of time I can't answer it and then excuse me I really loved answering a question that I don't know and I'm sorry that I can't be more helpful officer. And of course the officer is often your partner your companion your. But I'm sorry officer I keep it secret great student. So. I've encouraged people around me and then I try to up and just not as requested I'm making some eggs I wonder if you'd like some. You asked a question by not actually a question this is actually a stand and stand to change you do not ask a question based any question make a statement if you're Christian so it's an interesting one you can think about it. And but often because often also you know the question again is hierarchical like the directives. I'm not going to tell you what's going on with me what's happening with you. And I'm wondering I'm not sure I know what you want done with this I'm not sure I'm uncertain I'm unclear and when and if you can help me clarify this so instead of that it's like I did not to tell you anything about what's going on with me I want to know what you want done here. Tell me what you want to have happen but I'm not going to and it would be a lot easier simply would first say I'm not sure what to do. I'd like your advice and sense of simple rather than what what you want done I should have said how for me but I just I just I just go into in spite of everything you know I go into like. The ability to have the right and are questioning me in chariots interrogation even though you know the other person not intending to interrogate and they're not they're not wearing a uniform. Well I've gone way over time with my lectures to thank you and. Missiles and a couple announcements in a moment which issue operative the restorative yoga Reeva short period to end the day and the situation in the room after yoga I'd also like to mention now that there's a donation basket by the door pitching donations the money that you pay to green Ojha goes to green oats to support the center here and all the expenses involved in the people and the sport to practice here. And I'd like to invite you to make also teaching donation because to myself or to chip it gets me up or and that's a basket over here whether you make out the check to me or I have a tax you know centered musician a peaceful Csonka but it's going to go to the people to see sunk in any case so if you. Read if you want you can write piece of c sound good right at the end of year I usually send out letters for people who over the course of the a good morning hundred hours but you can also keep track of cheer yourself if you want your donations if you want to be tax deductible continue to write a check in exchange. OK And I suggest that I encourage people to consider donating as much as Shoot what you do the same as which you don't need to censor and it basically I think twenty dollars if you would consider that if that's a hardship play at this time or doesn't make sense to you you know up there where you feel like playing if you moved up or more you're certainly welcome to do that OK Thank you.