Good afternoon. You can hear me all right in the back? Okay. If you can't hear me at some point, you know, wave or something. So, this afternoon I want to talk a little bit about communication skills. I laugh because it's a challenging skill. But, you know, there's some tendency for people

[01:14]

to think that, and, you know, it actually says somewhere, sometimes in Buddhist teachings, all you need to do is meditate. I don't think it's quite true. I think a lot of other things are really helpful, including communication skills. So, over the years, I've endeavored to study something about communication, and especially in a relationship. And I may not be the best, but, you know, I'm not the worst. Work in progress, you know, so. First of all, I wanted to say something about love. And I mention this from time to time, but love, like I was saying earlier, like mindfulness is kind of misused. And here's how it goes, you know. Don't be sad. I love you. Is that love? Like the fact that I love you should

[02:19]

keep you from feeling sad. Don't you know I love you? You don't need to be sad. I love you. Don't be angry. I love you. Is that, I mean, is that love? I would say that, you know, if it's love, it means like, you can be sad, and, oh, are you sad? Tell me something about that, or, you know, I'm interested, you know. I'd love to be able to share that with you. Not like, don't be sad, I love you. And the opposite of that is, the other way around, which is that, don't be sad. Oh, I can't remember it right now, but anyway. Oh, I know. I feel scared now, and you should be able

[03:22]

to do something about it, because, you know, if you love me, you know, I wouldn't be scared. So, you need to love me better so I don't have to feel unhappy, so I don't have to feel afraid, so I don't have to feel worried. And if you love me more, I wouldn't be feeling this. Is that true? So, we use these things. We use this in language. And it's not actually, it's not about love, you know. We're misusing the word. And, you know, that's actually looking for a Savior or a Savioress. You know, if you really love me, if you were really my Savior, if you were really my Savioress, I wouldn't have to feel what I'm feeling, because you could wave your magic wand and love me enough that I wouldn't, you know, that that wouldn't be the case anymore. So, is this love? I don't think so, but this is, but we start looking for these things, and then we start calling it love. It'd be nice to have, you know, we wouldn't have to feel certain painful feelings when somebody loved us enough. It's so disappointing, isn't it? You know, it starts out like this person loves you,

[04:28]

and then you don't have to feel unhappy anymore. Only you do. So, maybe they stopped loving you. Is that true? So, this is so interesting. And so, I do encourage you to study, you know, what is love? And does love mean you don't have to ever feel your uncomfortable feelings, or that somebody else shouldn't have to feel their uncomfortable feelings? That love can save you or protect you from difficult feelings. I would say, no, love is there with you when you have those feelings. You don't abandon yourself, you don't abandon your, you know, companion or partner. And you don't say, you shouldn't have that feeling because I love you, and I shouldn't have to have the feeling I'm having if you love me more. You know, it's, and so love doesn't actually have any power to, you know, and that's actually associated with what we usually call

[05:30]

control. You know, to control what's going on in my reality. And we think there's going to be some way to control, and maybe love to control reality so I don't have to feel ever uncomfortable or unhappy or, you know, in difficulty or pain again. And it's a, it's a, you know, mistaken idea. But usually you have to, like, try it out a few times or, to realize it's not going to be like that. And of course, then you come to Jung's idea that when you get married, you have to re-own your projections and find out who you're living with. Because you've fallen in love with your projections, and then you take them back and find out it's, it's, you don't have any idea who this person is. So this is

[06:35]

associated, you know, and then there's other languaging that we do, especially around relationships and, but not just relationships. And we have certain, you know, language habits that aren't so skillful. They're actually in their own way skillful because if you're good at them, you can, you know, at least have the illusion of controlling others with your language. And I've known some people who are very, very good at these things. You know, Marsha Rosenberger does the nonviolent communication. She says, if you can't understand what I say, you have an auditory, you have a hearing problem. And if I can't understand what you say, you have an enunciation problem. And if I don't listen to what you tell me, it's because you never taught me how to do that. So with good

[07:42]

languaging, nothing ever has to be your fault. And it's always the other person's, you know, fault. And then with your, with your skillful use of language, you can control them and get them to do what you want. Of course, very few of us are that skillful at this, and it's not true anyway. So you never listen to me. Is that true? You always do what you want to. We always do what you say. We always do what you want to do. So always and never statements are never. It's really good to make always and never statements a little, just a little provisional. You often, or it seems to me that we often are doing what you want. But it's also good to just shift it

[08:50]

into a very particular situation. I don't really, I don't really want to go to the movies tonight. I'd like to stay home. I'm sorry. You know, I just, I'm not up to it. Rather than we always do what you want, and I don't want to have to always do what you want. And it's, why not just a very particular situation? So, but you know, one of the big ones is, you make me so mad. Can anybody do that? You make me so sad. You make me so depressed. Does somebody make you something? When, you know, is that, you know, it's just not true. So this is an example of trying to, you know, defeat the other person. You need to change the way you are so I don't have to feel

[09:53]

what I'm feeling. But, you know, why would you want to make yourself the victim of somebody else's behavior and say that their behavior makes you anything? When you said you didn't want to go out to the movies, I felt sad. That's not saying you make me sad. When you didn't want to go for a walk with me, I felt angry because I really, I really wanted to do that or I felt disappointed because I was really looking forward to spending time with you in that way. It doesn't, nobody says you make me, you disappoint me so much. You know, you make me. So anytime you, if you hear make me, it's a little flag, red flag. Nobody's going to make you anything. And this is,

[10:54]

you know, part of owning your own experience. And there's no way you're going to be able to control, get the world, our usual idea of how to affect my experience is I need to control and manipulate everybody around me so that they behave the way that they should so I only feel the things I want to feel. And how do I get all the people and things around me to behave the way they're supposed to so I feel what I'd like to feel? It's so difficult and so impossible. Huh? My next door neighbor, her daughter's seven. So sometimes her daughter would say, want some ice cream right before dinner? And my neighbor would say to her, no, you know, we're just about to have dinner. I don't want you to have any ice cream now. You are such a mean mommy. You are so mean. You are so

[11:59]

terrible. What a horrible person you are. You're just such a horrible mommy. And my neighbor would say to her daughter, Ruby, when you can't have something that you really want, that's called disappointment. And I think you're old enough now to begin to feel disappointed without attacking somebody when you're disappointed. And, you know, because, you know, you're young, but, you know, all through your life, there's going to be disappointments. And, you know, it's possible to be disappointed. And that's a feeling that we have sometimes. And it comes up. And you can feel that disappointment. And it doesn't mean you need to attack somebody. Because, and when you attack somebody, like you're attacking me, I feel hurt. And that, you know, and I don't, I don't want to feel hurt with you. I want us to feel, you know, good together. And I'd really rather you didn't

[13:04]

attack me. And I don't, and so, because then I wouldn't feel hurt. So this is, you know, what's going on. And the Buddhist logic is not you make me anything. That's just not true. It's giving up your power and your reality and putting somebody else in charge of it. And that's just not accurate. When you said, when you did, I felt. When A, then B. That's Buddhist causation. And that's, you know, what we Buddhists like to think is an accurate causation. A never causes B. It's when A, then B. There's no way that A actually makes B. And if you look closely, you can see that there's no way

[14:06]

that A makes B. It's when, on this occasion, when you said, and did you hear them right? Or are you already hearing what you always hear? Are you, you know, because sometimes somebody, when you criticized me, at some point, you know, you have to, you try to say to somebody, is there a way I can explain to you about, you know, and wondering if you could look at what you're doing and you, and if we could look at that and in a way, if we could look at that without you feeling criticized. Is there some way we could do that? Marsha Rosenberg's example is, he was teaching a high school class. And the kids are all over at the window on the second floor, talking to their friends down below. And he said, I'm wondering if you would be willing to come over and sit down. And they go right on talking. So finally he goes over to them at the window and he says, excuse me, sir, what did you hear me say? You said we had to go sit down. He said,

[15:09]

I'm wondering if I could, if you could tell me how I might say that so you didn't hear it as a demand. Oh, okay. We'll sit down. Demands is another good one. You know, it's just better not to make demands. It's better to make requests. I'm wondering if you'd be willing to come sit down. And, you know, this is the difference between, you know, observations, when you said, when you did. And then if you can observe and describe what somebody did is different than evaluating it. Because when you sense that you're being criticized, that's different than whether they were criticizing you or not. Or there may be some doubt. Is that a criticism or is that just something they said or what, you know, what was going on there? So what do you hear? And do you

[16:12]

hear what people say or do you hear something that is your old material? So even with my friends, sometimes it's very hard, it's been very hard for me to hear something other than you're wrong, you're bad, you made a terrible mistake. And especially if you're aiming to not hear any of these things, to hear anything like this is a big deal. By the way, if any of you are uncomfortable, unhappy with my talk, you know, tell me about it afterwards. So causation is never you make me, but when you said, when you did, I felt. It's a whole different statement than somebody else makes you something. And it's much more, you know, about reality. Another way we try to do this,

[17:17]

so by using that kind of a statement, you make me, it's saying, so you need to change your behavior so I won't feel my painful feeling, I won't have the painful feeling. As though somebody else was responsible for, you know, you. And you're putting yourself in a child position. So another thing we commonly do is, you know, I've heard it more than once, you know, somebody will come to One Day Sitting and they say, well, you know, my partner told me it was really selfish of me to come to, to go meditate. Is meditation selfish? And, you know, I don't think that's true. And, but what

[18:18]

they mean is, I'm really disappointed that we're not, you're not spending the day with me. I was looking forward to spending the day with you, and now you're going to meditate. So that's selfish. It's selfish, it's not actually selfish, it just means, I was looking forward to seeing you, and now I won't be. Or, you know, I'm unhappy that you, you know, you seem to have a life of your own. Good grief. What were you thinking? So anyway, we're people, you know, we call each other all kinds of things. You're selfish, you're greedy, you're needy. Don't be like that. Rather than actually acknowledging what's going on with me. And so rather than revealing something about ourselves, we mislabel somebody else. You're greedy, you're selfish, you're needy, you want too much. You need to adjust. You need to change. And this is related to the fact that, you know,

[19:35]

oftentimes there's so many things going on in our life, and so many causes and conditions for what's going on with us, it's very easy that when anything is going on, it's the other person's fault. It's the most obvious thing that can be the cause. Right? If you're, if you're feeling sad, then, you know, the other person doesn't love you enough, or they're not doing enough for you, they're not taking out the trash, there's too much clutter in the house, there's, you know, whatever. And if the other person would just change, then you wouldn't have to feel sad, or angry, or depressed. It's, because that's the most obvious thing. So we have some tendency to look at for the most obvious thing is the explanation. And feelings just aren't like that. There's no single cause for feelings. And there's no, there's no single explanation.

[20:35]

You know, for me, one of the obvious cases of this was, I was in a relationship for 20 years, and then my mom died, and my partner's father died within 10 or 11 days. So then we're both grieving. It's your fault. A parent just died. And this happens all the time, you know, children, a child can die. And then you have the terrible grief, and it's your partner's fault. It's not your partner's fault, but it's so easy to see, and to start to blame your partner. So it's, you know, regardless, you know, it's, it's going to help if you can actually have your feelings, rather than thinking somebody else changing their behavior will mean that you don't have

[21:42]

to have unpleasant feelings. So that's a kind of, you know, illusion or delusion to think you could get somebody else to behave in such a way that you would never have to have uncomfortable feelings. This is a tremendous, you know, difficulty or problem in relationship. Nobody else is going to do that for you. Nobody else is going to save you from actually feeling sometimes disappointed, worried, anxious, stressed, discouraged, depressed, angry, irritated, frustrated. You're going to have all those feelings. Oh, well. So it actually turns out that, you know, having all these feelings are the path. Not that you, as we talked about after lunch, you know, down in the garden, not that you want to act them out and be dramatic and, you know, emotional about it all. But, you know, you can have them. You can learn how to acknowledge your

[22:47]

feeling and not pretend or believe any longer that it's somebody else's fault. And actually, our emotions, you know, begin to be a kind of guide or sign or the path. Your problem and, your problems and difficulty are the path or the way. Rather than the way is somehow free of problems and difficulties if you're going about it the right way. So, you know, usually when we're younger, we look for somebody who's going to solve the problems for us. You make me so happy. Well, for a couple of years. For the honeymoon, three months. You're not making me happy anymore. Huh. I guess you don't love me. Now you're making me mad. Now you're making me sad. Stop that.

[23:49]

How do we do this? And meditation will help you with this. You know, feeling what is going on inside. If that's what you, the way you choose to meditate, to feel what's going on inside rather than trying to tell yourself how to behave. And again, usually where I started today was with the notion that we start out with directives and rules about what to do, what not to do, what's good, what's bad. And then if our own don't work, you know, bring in the spiritual

[24:50]

reinforcements. It's spiritual to be quiet. It's spiritual to be calm. So then you can see if you can impose some spirituality on yourself. And this is a difference as I also sometimes put it, between authoritarian model and the nurturing model. Authoritarian says, do what I tell you and I don't want any feedback. And nurturing model is, tell me more about that. You're listening to your breath. You're sensing where's your breath. How does it go when you listen carefully and when you receive your breath? What are you really thinking? What are you really feeling? And you begin to shift from giving out directives to sensing and experiencing, observing, perceiving reality. This is a big, big shift. And there's no,

[25:54]

and it's not about getting better directions. It's about this decision. I'm going to start experiencing my reality, perceiving, observing, experiencing, sensing what's happening rather than trying to tell myself and everyone else how to behave. So I did want to, you know, sometimes I feel like, you know, with women's liberation and everything, men have gotten sort of, you know, they're the bad guys, you know. Women are so, you know, have been so, what is it, you know, dominated for all these centuries. For goodness sakes. It's a male-dominant culture and stuff. But I just wanted you to understand that, you know, guys are kind of fragile. And, you know, Warren Farrell, who's written about this sort of thing, says, you know,

[27:02]

that the strength of women is their, the word is, it's about, you know, the way you look. The strength of women is that they look so vulnerable and weak. And the weakness of men is that they look so strong. They appear to be so strong. And actually men just appear to be strong. They're actually very fragile. So, you know, because if you're a woman, you can say, well, I don't know how to do this. And then all these men come and say, oh, well, I can help you with that. Here, let me show you. And let me do this. And with guys, it's like, what? You can't do that? But I heard this wonderful story recently about somebody giving a talk. And he says, you know, when his wife goes in the kitchen to cook, she has the radio going, she's answering the cell

[28:04]

phone and she's cooking and people are coming by and she's talking to them. And she's cooking dinner and people are visiting. And then, you know, they all eat and they have a good time. And when he cooks dinner, the husband, he says, he closes the doors to the kitchen. He turns off the radio, he turns off the cell phone. And then if his wife comes to the door to say hello, he says, oh, this is so stressful. Can't you see that I'm busy boiling this egg? So it actually turns out, you know, that I don't think that, you know, women have any idea how, you know, fragile we are, you know? Especially in this terms of, you know, women actually can, what the term often used is multitask. You know, you do this and you do that and you can take, and men need to just be very narrowly focused. I'm going to do this and then this and then this. Oh, you want what? So anything else that happens is this terrible interruption and break in your

[29:11]

concentration. And I used to think there was something wrong with me because I was like this and now it turns out I'm a guy. So this is a big relief. So I wanted to give you, in case you're interested, whether you're a man or a woman, I want to give you some advice for, you know, particularly for guys. And so one of these is, instead of just saying, what are you doing today? When, you know, before you talk about anything with the guy, you say, I'm wondering if we could talk for a minute. It takes a moment or two or six for the guy to turn his attention to you, to disengage with this little narrow focus. And, oh, there you are. Oh, and you wanted to talk.

[30:20]

Oh. Because if you just think that guys are going to be able to talk when you talk to them, I mean, you can get so upset when they can't, you know. Oh, I just wanted to see what you're doing today. So with guys especially, it's really useful if you don't just assume that you can have their attention whenever you want it. This is also true with kids, you know. It's very tempting as the parent to just walk into the room and say, why didn't you take out the trash? But if they come to you and say, excuse me, I'm on the phone, all right? So when the person lower in the hierarchy comes to you, you can say, excuse me, no, I'm busy, okay? Just wait, you know. I'm going to take care of this stuff and then I'll let you know.

[31:24]

But if it's your kid, you know, no matter what they're involved in, you know, you can tell them whatever you want to tell them, whenever you want to tell them, because that's you, your mom, your dad, you can, you know, you can barge into their reality anytime. So guys are much more like kids this way, you know. Don't just go barging into our reality. Like you're so special and important. I know you're special and important. So I really try now to make a point of, I'm wondering if you have a few minutes to visit. And then I say to people sometimes, could you call my name rather than just start talking, Ed? And just wait for me to, oh, shift, you know? And some men have this thing, like you have to shift your attention, take it off of this one thing and put it on this other. So I found this very helpful and it's so much easier if people around me are able to do this

[32:36]

rather than saying, what do you want done about such and such? What is such? Such a what? I just can't, I can't. The sentence is half gone before I'm even aware that anybody's talking to me. But that brings up the second thing, which is, years ago, we had this huge upheaval at Zen Center. If you want to read about it, it's a book called Shoes Outside the Door. And Richard Baker was deposed as the abbot of Zen Center. And during that whole process, I had been on EXA from the board of directors of Zen Center. But then I was invited to start attending board meetings again. And then lo and behold, I was elected chairman. But at that time, we started having small group meetings and communication skills groups. And George Lane and Marsha Angus were hired to be our consultants

[33:40]

and to teach us about communication skills and things. And George had certain aphorisms, and one of them was, for instance, was, I don't answer why questions. Why did you say that to me? Why are you talking to me like that? And George would say, I don't answer why questions. I don't know because I'm an idiot. I mean, why am I talking to you like this? What are you trying to tell me? Anyway, so that was one of them. But George also said, don't ever ask a question. And this is especially true for guys. And I'm not sure that women understand this the way that men do. But if you ask a man a question, you are confronting him. Why did you say that? What were you thinking? What do you want for breakfast? And it's like, you know, it's like the authorities have arrived.

[34:45]

Because authorities get to ask you questions. Why were you speeding? Why haven't you done your homework? So as soon as it's a question, it's like, there's a tendency. I have this tendency, and I've decided it's not just me. It's a guy thing. I don't know. And so when I get asked a question, and then a lot of the time I can't answer it. And then, excuse me, I'd really love to answer your question, but I don't know. And I'm sorry that I can't be more helpful, officer. And of course, the officer is often your partner, your companion. But I'm sorry, officer, I can't answer your question. So I've encouraged people around me, and then I try to oftentimes just not ask a question. I'm making some eggs. I wonder if you'd like some.

[35:51]

So you ask a question by not asking a question. And this is actually a Zen teaching, too. Do not ask a question by asking a question. Make a statement to ask a question. So it's an interesting one. You can think about it. But often, because often also, the question, again, is hierarchical, like the directives. I'm not going to tell you what's going on with me. What's happening with you? Rather than, I'm wondering, I'm not sure I know what you want done with this. I'm not sure. I'm uncertain. I'm unclear. And I'm wondering if you could help me clarify this. So instead of that, it's like, I'm not going to tell you anything about what's going on with me. I want to know what you want done here. Tell me what you want to have happen. But I'm not going to. And it would be a lot easier if somebody would first say, I'm not sure what to do. I'd like your advice.

[36:56]

And it's just so simple. Rather than, what do you want done? Somehow for me, that just, I just go into, in spite of everything, you know, I go into like, the authorities have arrived and are questioning me. It's interrogation. Even though, you know, the other person is not intending to interrogate and they're not wearing a uniform. And I'm like, well, I've gone way over time with my lecture. So thank you and blessings. I have a couple of announcements. In a moment, Letitia will offer a little restorative yoga. We have a short period to end the day and we'll sit face in the middle of the room after yoga. I'd also like to mention now, though, that there's a donation basket by the door for teaching donations. The money that you pay to Green Gulch all goes to Green Gulch to support the center here and all the expenses involved and the people and to support the practice here.

[38:03]

And I'd like to invite you to make also a teaching donation that goes to myself and Letitia for the teaching offer. And that's the basket over here. Whether you make out the check to me or I have a tax exempt organization, the Peaceful Sea Sangha, but it's going to go to the Peaceful Sea Sangha in any case. So if you, but if you want, you can write Peaceful Sea Sangha. But at the end of the year, I usually send out letters for people who over the course of the year give more than $100. But you can also keep track of it to yourself if you want your donations, if you want them to be tax deductible, and you need to write a check in that case. Okay. And I suggest, I encourage people to consider donating as much as you, what you, the same as what you donate to Zen Center, but basically I think of $20 if you would consider that. If that's a hardship for you at this time or it doesn't make sense to you, you know, offer what you feel like offering. If you're moved to offer more, you're certainly welcome to do that. Okay. Thank you.

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Transcribed by https://otter.ai

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