So, it's sometimes said in Zen that the disease of mind is to set one mind against another mind. We talked a little bit about this this afternoon. Imagine one mind that I was calling the head, above your head, that likes to tell you what to do. You have to, you should. And then, of course, there's another mind that says, who are you telling me what to do? So, the Zen master, Hakuin, wrote a little poem about this one time. I thought I would share Hakuin's poem with you.

[01:01]

You know, Hakuin is the most famous Japanese Zen teacher of the last 500 years or so. You know, he's said to have had, well, six major enlightenments and 18 little ones. I don't know how you keep count of these things, but I'll take their word for it. And he, later in his life, did a lot of calligraphy and art and pictures and made up these little poems. So, this is the way the poem goes. The demon outside pushes at the door. The demon inside holds it fast. They push and push against each other, sweat pouring from head to toe.

[02:05]

They battle on all through the night until at last, in the morning light, laughter fills the air. They were friends from the start. Do you understand? The demon outside pushes at the door. The demon inside holds it fast. They battle, pushing against each other all through the night, sweat pouring from head to toe. They battle all through the night until at last, in the morning light, laughter fills the air. They were friends from the start. So, this is a simple way to talk about what we are studying.

[03:12]

We get these ideas that there's some part of us or aspect of us that needs to be straightened out or gotten rid of or shaped up or shipped out. And one part of one mind decides, I've got to get rid of, I need to get rid of my thinking. Or, I need to get rid of my anger. And in order to get rid of my anger, I'm going to get really angry at my anger. That'll teach it. So, if you spend enough time with these characters, fighting it out, you might at some point realize they were friends from the start. So, Zen Master Dogen says, Do not think with ordinary mind.

[04:26]

Do not see with ordinary eyes. This is to say, you know, we meet one moment and see what to do with that. If you think this moment is not worth it, I'll wait for the next one. Then, you wait for the next one. And if you used to wait, then you may wait a lot of moments and wonder, why do things keep happening like this? Suzuki Roshi, you know, for instance, said,

[05:43]

Do you think that I am the teacher and you are the student? And I have things to tell you that you don't know. That's a mistake. You think that if you listen to me carefully, I will give you some special information that will really help you. That is wrong thinking. Sometimes the teacher is the student, sometimes the student is the teacher. Sometimes, you know, the teacher bows to the student, the student bows to the teacher. Then he got up from his seat and started hitting everyone.

[07:00]

Bap, bap. Who is the teacher? Bap, bap. Who is the teacher? Who is the student? This is to say, you know, that I am only here to introduce you to the teacher in you. This is not ordinary thinking. Ordinary thinking, you think, oh, I don't know, the teacher knows. But you know yourself much, much better than I do. And we all study things differently. We're here on earth for different reasons. In a certain sense, different kinds of reasons. Some of us are here to develop our communication skills,

[08:16]

or some of us have more creativity. We know different aspects of how to be responsible. You know, how to take charge of things as it's needed. Some of us have more passion, or less passion, or passion for different things. Some of us have less passion, some of us have more creativity. One time, I was at Green Gulch, I was the head resident teacher.

[09:22]

It was 1985 or 86. I'm the teacher, according to the, you know, authorities. And then some of the students think of me as the teacher, some of them don't. So one time, Kadagiri Roshi came to visit. And there was, we all had, 30 of us, or 35 of us had tea with him. And he said, after we sipped our tea a little bit, he said, Oh, and do you have any questions, anyone? And right away, the man raises his hand.

[10:27]

Kadagiri Roshi says yes, and the student says, Kadagiri Roshi, what do we do when there's no teacher? Oh, that's nice. And Kadagiri Roshi said, When there's no teacher, please keep a warm spot in your heart for the teacher. Really, that warm spot in your heart is the teacher. That's what you learn. That's how you learn things is in your warm heart. The spot in your warm heart that's open and meets and receives sensory experience, senses, thoughts, feelings, and receives and knows.

[11:31]

After the tea was over, there were two of us, we walked Kadagiri Roshi back to his room. I said, Kadagiri Roshi, since there's no teacher here at Green Goats, what should I call myself? And he said, a teacher. A teacher. We don't just learn from teachers, we learn from our warm heart, we learn from the students, we learn from our children, we learn from our parents, we learn from our friends, we learn from our mistakes, for goodness sakes. So, in this respect, you know, Kadagiri Roshi said,

[12:46]

Whatever happens, you might think it's good, you might think it's bad, study carefully, see what you can find out. We have the idea that there's some teaching that if we got the teaching finally, we wouldn't be making these mistakes. We wouldn't, you know, be upset, we wouldn't be scared, we wouldn't be frustrated, we wouldn't be depressed, because we have the right teaching. Is that true? When we believe that's true, then we make ourself wrong. It's because I did something wrong, this painful thing happened. But painful things still happen, it's not about right or wrong.

[13:47]

Thank you. I started a cooking course at Tassajara. We had a meeting in the morning, and I said, I'm really scared, I'm really anxious. All of my notes are in some carts out in the middle of the road covered with white sheets. I had to move this morning, I don't know where my notes are. And I'm very anxious, and there was a woman sitting next to me. And before I knew what had happened, she grabbed my wrist, and she pulled my hand right up between her breasts. Uh-oh. What is my hand doing there? And while she was pulling my hand up, she said, Oh, are you anxious? I'm anxious too. I bet we all are.

[15:21]

And then I noticed, like, thump, [...] and her heart was just beating away. Thump, thump, thump. I said, my, your heart is beating away, you are anxious. And then everybody relaxed. Sharon is still my friend. 15 years now. At least. And I learned a lot from Sharon. I learned a lot from Sharon because, you know, our hearts connected. Sharon, for many years, was a nurse for the homeless in Boston. She went, she had about 120 clients that she was trying to see each week. Someone got to be her client if they refused to come into shelter,

[16:24]

and if they had a life-threatening illness. She had heart conditions, AIDS, diabetes, tuberculosis, heart conditions. And she knew where most of them hung out. She knew a lot of the street people in Boston. When I drove around with her, she'd say, We've come down an off-ramp, and there'd be somebody standing there with a sign, you know, that would say, work for food or something. Accepting donations. I don't remember what his sign said. And Sharon said, Did you see how he's nodding? He's on heroin. I don't give him money. She knew everybody. And she talks to everybody. And one time she told me a story, you see, that's like this warm heart.

[17:29]

She had a, one of her clients was named Richard. And one day she got a phone call, Richard has been taken to the emergency room. And she knew that Richard, you know, didn't do well around people. And that Richard would be scared. So she right away went to the emergency room. And Richard, by that point, was strapped down on a gurney, face down. And he'd been yelling obscenities at the hospital staff. And so then they strapped him down on the gurney, face down. And he was still trying to yell obscenities, even though his face is mashed into the gurney. And Sharon went over to him. There was a little curtain, she said, there by the, in the corridor.

[18:34]

She pulled the curtain. She got a chair. She said, I have no idea what to do. I just didn't have a clue. And she said, she sat down. And then she found her hand reaching out to the small of his back. And then she said, Richard, it's me, Sharon. And I'm going to rub your back now. And she started rubbing his back. And after two or three minutes, Richard had quieted down. And he said, Sharon, that feels so nice. Thank you. And Sharon said, Richard, I will stay here as long as you need me. Do me a favor, though, and don't yell or scream.

[19:35]

Because if you do, they are going to hurt you. And about that time, there was a little space in the curtain. And she heard these nurses saying to each other, did you see that? She was touching that drunk, that dirty old man, that filthy man. She's touching him. Can you believe it? They were friends from the start. We have all these people in the world, you know. And sometimes we can actually touch someone, and certainly with our awareness. Like Sharon reaching out to touch her friend's back.

[20:36]

With your awareness, you reach out to touch someone who's sad. Someone who's scared. Someone who's angry. Someone who's inspired. Someone who's enjoying. Someone who's calm, peaceful, quiet. And whatever arises, with your awareness, you touch. And we don't know who is the teacher, who is the student. Am I, do I, is it up to me to tell the emotions that are happening to me how to behave? Or are they here to teach me how to behave? Who is the teacher? You know, science now is realizing that people who don't have emotions don't know what to do.

[21:40]

People who have been injured, and unable to feel emotions. And they don't know what to do. They don't know. You can give them a list, do this, don't do that, they don't know. It's very confusing not to have emotions. So the question is, which ones do you do, how do you do them? What should you do? And certainly some are pleasant, and some are unpleasant. By the way, you know, a number of years later I was in Cleveland, Ohio.

[22:44]

I was at a cooking class. They said, oh, we have wonderful tomatoes. Farmer's market, really fresh. And I got there and the tomatoes were orange and hard. They were not red and ripe and juicy. And various other things that I had asked to have there were not there. So I started my class, I said, I feel very anxious and nervous about how this has come out. The food I ordered isn't all here. And then right away a woman said, Ed, you have been meditating for more than 30 years. Why are you still anxious and nervous? What's wrong with you? Thank you for your support and your understanding. I haven't seen her since.

[23:49]

I don't know her name. Whenever I'm in Boston, I stay at Sharon's house. She has six cats, her husband has seven. They live on a hillside with woods. And there are feral cats and they take them in. The ones they don't take in, they feed outside. And after Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans, Sharon and her friend Rae Ann went to New Orleans to save pets. They spent a week there. You know, pets that had been left behind. I don't know what happened to them. I will tell you another kind of story about all of this.

[24:55]

You've heard of her, maybe. She's a psychologist, psychotherapist. I think she's Swiss, is that right? And she's written many books about childhood. How much adults reflect their childhood. I don't know how much I want to try to tell you about Alice Waters. But you know, she says part of our... Many people don't believe this. You know, that your childhood has something to do with your adulthood. And there are so many ways to understand this. But she says one of the reasons is to protect the innocence of your parents.

[26:07]

It wasn't their fault. So if you were punished as a child, you must have been a difficult child. And they were only punishing me for my own good. So we believe this kind of thing indefinitely. My next door neighbor, on the other hand, is a parent. You know, she says, well, you can't help but mess your kids up. Save now for their therapy later. But my favorite Alice Miller story is about one of her clients. Told her that she knew she was going away for the weekend. And the client was going away for the weekend. And she had a three-year-old son named Daniel. And the mother had offered to take care of the grandson.

[27:21]

So the mother took... She was a little worried because she knew that her mother was very big on manners. You need to this, you should that. This is how you do it. And she was worried then what would happen with her son over the weekend with grandma. With her mother. She finally said, oh, it's just a weekend. This will be okay. So she went to pick up her son at the end of the weekend. And he said, I don't want to see grandmother anymore. She hurt me. And he was very upset. And little by little she got the story out of him. And talked to her mother. So the first night, everything was going well. And the grandmother had made a cottage cheese souffle for dessert.

[28:28]

It was Daniel's favorite. So when he finished his serving of dessert, he reached out to help himself to some more. Which is something that he was allowed to do at his own house. The grandmother put her hand on his and she said, you have to ask the others if it's okay. Daniel looked around and said, where are the others? He got very upset. And then after a while, the grandmother said, it's good manners. And Daniel said, well, what do I need good manners for? And the grandmother said, you need good manners so that other people will like you.

[29:35]

And he was inconsolable. He just did not understand all of this for probably quite a while. So that's the story. It's pretty simple. What's interesting to me about this story is when I tell this story, some people say, that's right. You have to teach kids good manners. You know, today there's a lot of kids, they don't have any manners at all. And their parents should have been teaching them. And then other people say, yeah, that three-year-old, I understand that. So some people identify right away with grandmother. You need to learn good manners. And other people identify with Daniel. Where are the others? How does this work? I don't get it. Help me out here. And one time at Greenbelt, I told this story.

[30:46]

And you see, and then people had this, some people, the grandmother, yes. And then other people, Daniel. And I wasn't, I'm not, you know, NRG, this is the two demons. There's the grandmother, and there's the grandson. They're friends from the start, but for the time being, you need to, what, four? Yeah, but you have to, I don't understand. People, otherwise people won't like you. They don't like me? Oh. Oh. So then this one woman said that while she was sitting, it was a cold day, and some of the people in the meditation hall had on down jackets. So every time they moved, it goes, huh, huh, huh, huh.

[31:51]

And she said, I wanted to tell them to behave, not to fidget like that, so it wouldn't be noisy. And then she said, I noticed that when I was trying to correct them, I felt claustrophobic. When I wanted to correct them, I felt like I'm in a small space. So then I decided, maybe I could treat this like I'm on a train in a foreign land, and I don't know the language, and these people have unusual customs that I'm not used to. And she said, I became quite happy. It wasn't up to me to tell them to behave differently. So grandmother, three year old,

[32:58]

are they going to be demons in fighting, or are they going to be friends, and remember they're friends from the start? And who needs to learn from who? And you know, who is the teacher, and who is the student? You know, probably there's things that the grandmother can learn about, you know, appreciating a young person's vitality, and innocence, and exuberance, and delight in food, and something about timing, or, you know, is it a good time to say something, or how might I say this, or maybe this is a good time, he just enjoys this. And sometimes, you know, Daniel will need to learn, can use some manners.

[34:07]

Three years old may be a little young when it's something, you know, it's not tossing food across the kitchen. Sometimes, you know, there's so much stress at meals, because parents are watching for the next mistake, too. And then everybody's like, how do you enjoy your food? So we all have a grandmother person. We all have a three year old. We all have a grandmother person. So after I read this story by Alice Miller, I found another story. I know a woman in California, and she does a very interesting class

[35:13]

that takes nine months. And it's a class making, you know, more or less a life-size figure. They're called dolls. You take nine months. The face is made out of porcelain clay. The feet are clay. Some people know right from the start who they are making, somebody in their life. Some of them, for a long time, the class was only for women. And during the course of the year, you meet three hours a week, one afternoon, three hours. And you work on the clay, and then you also might write a letter to your father. Not that you actually send it, but write a letter to your father

[36:13]

telling him all the things that you never have told him. Whether it's how you love him or how you hate him or, you know, what did he do that you've never talked about. Or you write a letter to your mother. So it's in English, you know, sometimes it's called process work. And what you do in the course of making your doll, you are engaged in various exercises to come to some deeper understanding of your relationship with your parents and with life and so forth. And there's the face is porcelain, and then there's a body structure with wood, wooden dowels. And then you put inside objects for the chakras of your choosing. Then there's a cotton batting, and you sew on a skin of muslin.

[37:17]

Then you find clothes to dress it. And then at the end of this nine months, there's a show. Cassandra, the woman's name, the teacher, used to have a class each afternoon. So then maybe there's ten or twelve people in each class, and then for the show there might be fifty or sixty dolls, these life-size figures. Some of them are in scenes. And they're sitting in a chair. And one of the years I went, there was a doll that was an elderly woman. And then there's a little story by each doll.

[38:20]

And the story said when I was eight, I asked my parents about my grandmother and grandfathers, and they told me that my grandparents had all died in the Holocaust. And I felt, she said, not ever knowing my grandparents, I felt how different I was. All the other children seemed to have grandparents, except for me. And I started wishing at eight years old. I wanted to know my grandparents. And so I was making this doll, and then when the doll was,

[39:28]

I didn't know who I was making. But one of the other women in my group looked at my doll and said, that doll looks like it could be your grandmother. And she said, I realized my grandmother had been in me all along. I realized my grandmother had been inside me all along. And so, this is the nature of hearts. And the grandmother has something to learn from the children about,

[40:32]

the older one has something to learn about play, exuberance, enthusiasm, innocence, vitality, creativity, you know, having fun. And child needs grandmother with it to take its hand and say, let's go here, let's go there. You need to do this, why don't you do that? They need to get along. And it's not that one needs to get rid of the other. Or tame the other one. And it's so, you know, I've,

[41:36]

I noticed for myself, and I noticed other people, you know, none of us, we don't, we don't, you know, none of us, we accuse children of it, but none of us are misbehaving. You know, we may not, it's not like we purposely misbehave. Sometimes parents say about children, oh, well, my son, he's always trying to push my buttons. What do kids know about buttons? You just behave the best you know how. And what you look for, you'll get more of. So if you're looking for misbehavior, you'll keep finding it. If you're looking for good intention, you'll keep finding it. So when, you know, the little boy hits his sister because she took his toy,

[42:42]

you know, the usual, ordinary mind is, Johnny, don't hit your sister. What's wrong with you? Stop that. What does Johnny learn from this? And sometimes mom will actually hit Johnny. Johnny, don't hit your sister. So if anybody's going to learn anything here, it helps if the parents learn something first. Because the parents are supposed to be the parents. The older one is supposed to know something. So it helps if, you know, the parent can say, Johnny, it looks like you're upset because your sister, you wanted to let your sister know that you were upset that she took your toy. We should be able to let somebody know that. That's a, that's a, you want to let, you want to communicate something. Okay, that's not the way to do it.

[43:47]

Let me talk about, you know, giving you a new skill. When we know that when we have better skills, then we start to behave differently. And we can learn skills. You know, in many different places we learn skills. In many places in many ways. This is what, you know, in Zen is seeing virtue. Noticing what you look for.

[44:49]

Virtue in others. Not just finding fault. You look for the virtue in the food. And the virtue is something that isn't just, you know, there's a virtue in, organically grown, carefully produced, you know, produce. There's that kind of virtue. And then, there's the virtue of, you know, something being what it is. As you know, in my book, you know, radishes for me is one of those things. You look at a radish and it doesn't go like, oh gosh, what's wrong with me? Why can't I be big and purple like an eggplant? Oh gosh, I'm just a radish. Darn. Radishes are very happy to be radishes. Especially when you get them fresh.

[45:52]

They're so happy being radishes. And they're so friendly. You know, round. And red. Shiny. And they're willing to, you know, offer themselves. And, you know, we're making things. We can't only be with things that are, you know, the best. And it is important to make an effort to, you know, find good food for yourself and your family. I'm very fortunate to live in California. I live two or three blocks from Organic Natural Food Store.

[46:58]

They give me five cents for every bag I bring back to reuse. I'm Jewish. And it's not Whole Foods or Living Foods or some big chain. It's a local store that's been there for 35 years or so now. So I'm very fortunate. This is, you know, a few doors from my house. But I also, you know, we're not, each of us, we're not always tip-top. Energy. Enthusiasm. You know. Bright. Shining. Enlightened. Brilliant. Astounding.

[48:01]

Yes, and let me explain these things to you. You know, we're not always like that. Sometimes you might feel like a little piece of a little piece of, you know, practically nothing. What will you do then? Then to say, you little idiot. Get it together. Grow up. Get over it. I've had people tell me that. And here I am trying to, like, you know, hold this poor little nothing and take this poor little nothing into my heart. People are going to get over it. So we have, this is, and I probably need to stop, thank you.

[49:04]

But in Dogen's instructions to the cook, he says, do not complain about the quality or the quantity of the ingredients. Work with what you're given. So, you know, he's in a different situation. Here we have choice. And we're going out and getting the food for ourselves. So if you're at the monastery, it's just what is given. What comes. Work with it. Don't complain. And he says, you can make a good soup with wild grasses. As good as a soup with fine cream. Don't complain. Work with it. Use the ingredients that you have. And the ingredients is partly the food. And I try to get food here, you know. And today I thought, wow, we've got some fabulous nectarines and cherries. How wonderful.

[50:07]

And, but, you know, the ingredients is the food. The ingredients is also your own. Today I said, I'm tired. I don't know if I want to do this. And you said, oh, we can do it. We'll do it. We've got some energy. So I'm checking on what ingredients do I have. Part of that is how much energy is there in the room. How much work are we up for? How much time do we have? What do we, you know, what? And we're, so we keep trying to use the ingredients. Which is also our own interest or willingness or passion. And, you know, some days we do something simply. Some days we do something more elaborate. And then we offer what we have to offer. And sometimes it's pretty good and other times it's not. So also as a monk, you know, as a Zen student, receive what's offered. Receive what is given to you.

[51:11]

And appreciate, you know, the work that's gone into it and the suffering that's gone into things. And we chant that. The work of many people, the offering of other forms of life. And then some things taste better and some things don't, you know. And everything won't be a masterpiece. The usual idea, the ordinary idea, you know, of cooking is you get a book that will teach you how to produce masterpieces like the famous restaurant. And probably otherwise you shouldn't bother cooking if you're not going to make a masterpiece. Right? So I'm going to teach you how to make a masterpiece. I try to, you know, give you permission. Do something sincerely, wholeheartedly. Offer it to others.

[52:15]

Whether it's a masterpiece or not. See if you can all sit down at the table and enjoy it. Have a good time. Visit. You know. And don't try to fix Daniel. Hopefully by our age, you know, we're well enough behaved. There'll be times and places to teach Daniel some manners. And in the meantime, you know, what wonderful energy. And innocence. Okay. Thank you.

[52:56]

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