Good evening, once again. I appreciate the poem by Juan Ramon Jimenez. I've often felt stuck in my life and, you know, nothing happens. And nobody comes to the rescue and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it and then everything is different. And I don't have the same feeling of being stuck.

[01:04]

And it's something more like we sit here calmly in the new life. This also tonight has reminded me of my Zen teacher, Suzuki Roshi, used to talk sometimes about soft mind. And he would encourage us to practice meditation with a soft mind, a soft mind, you know, rather than the kind of mind where you hold yourself apart from things, the kind of mind that's receptive and soft, supple, receptive. This is a kind of mind that's, you know, associated with not getting anywhere, because soon as you decide to get anywhere, our mind becomes hard and our body becomes hard.

[02:06]

And it's as though we hold our breath waiting to see if we actually get to where we set out to get to. So, it's a different feeling to have a soft mind, and a mind that's, you know, soft enough to be with the breath, however long or short, deep or shallow your breathing is. Tonight, I wanted to share some food stories with you. I've been, once again, studying a chapter about instructions to the cook written by

[03:19]

a Zen master named Dogen. So, his main instruction, you know, to the cook is to make a wholehearted, sincere effort. You know, because if you try to make something to please people or make something so that everybody's happy or live your life so that everybody likes it or likes you, you know, it's not going to work. When I was starting to cook back in the 60s, I tried making oatmeal so that everybody would like it and that nobody would complain. You'd think that would be one thing, you know, maybe.

[04:22]

But when it was kind of soft and wet and moist, the people who were working very hard, and in those days, we were digging our own septic tank by hand, it was the 60s. And it's cheaper, I mean, you know, when you don't have any money to hire a backhoe. The people who were working, doing very physical work like that, they said, they would come in and say, you know, we're working very hard. We need oatmeal that you can sink your teeth into, something that you can chew. And then, if I made the oatmeal like that, then a different group of people came and said, we can't digest this. Breakfast should be something that's easy to digest, it should be well cooked.

[05:33]

And one time, I thought I could please people by putting in raisins, but we did have a number of religious macrobiotics, very sincere about practicing macrobiotics. And they stormed the kitchen at that point and said, why was I poisoning everybody with so much sugar? It's way too yin, don't you know? So, at that point, I gave up and I thought, you know, maybe Dogen has a point. You just make a sincere, honest effort and offer it, and you bow and walk away. So, in Dogen's instructions, he says things

[06:58]

like do not be disdainful about some ingredients, do not arouse disdain for poor ingredients, and do not arouse desire for good ingredients. Just handle each thing sincerely and carefully, taking care of whatever it is that comes up. And he says also, you know, in his sort of poetic way, he says, don't waste even a grain of rice. When you wash the rice, don't waste even a grain. And he says, don't fail to add, even if your effort seems like it's just one particle of dirt, do not fail to add it to the mountain of virtue, you know, because sometimes what

[08:02]

we're doing seems pretty small. He says, don't fail to add even that one particle to the mountain of virtue, or, you know, add that one more drop to the ocean of merit. So, that's pretty poetic. Nowadays I've, well, a few weeks ago I was reading one of Larry Dossey's books, Healing Beyond the Body. So, you know, now science is coming around to this kind of view, you know. I mean, some science, some scientists. And Larry Dossey says that some scientists are now suggesting that the total number of minds in the universe is one. And that, because nobody's ever demonstrated how a brain could produce consciousness. So, now they're beginning to suggest that maybe brains are just like receivers for the consciousness that's out there.

[09:04]

Or that's out there in here, everywhere, you know, the consciousness that's everywhere. And that also then that our efforts or practice, you know, is then going back into the one consciousness. Anyway. Who knows? But Dogen's metaphor, anyway, has that kind of feeling, you know, add one particle of dirt or one drop of water. Because each of us in our own lives, it doesn't seem like it necessarily is so important. But if we don't think it's important, or if we don't give our heart or make our sincere, wholehearted effort, you know, it's not like other people are going to miss it or say, why not? Or where is it? Or thank you, even.

[10:08]

Other people aren't going to notice. It's really kind of up to each one of us. And sincere in this sense, you know, I like the word sincere too, because it's the S-I-N is without and the S-E-R-E is wax. It's without wax. The wax is what you can use when you have a bronze and you can fill in any blemishes or imperfections and fill them in with wax. And so when you have it all filled in with wax, you can really look good. So we often are in the business of looking good rather than just doing something sincerely and wholeheartedly and carefully and thoroughly, you know. So this is big emphasis in Zen cooking is sincere, wholehearted, careful, thorough, you know, conscientious attention to each ingredient, each activity.

[11:10]

And Dogen talks about how one day he was at a monastery and he was walking in the central courtyard and he saw the head cook in the courtyard there drying mushrooms in the noonday sun. And he said that the cook was bent over, his back was bent like a bow, and his hair was white, sweat was dripping off of his face. And Dogen went up to him and said, how long have you been a monk? And the cook answered, 68 years. And Dogen said, don't you have some helpers who could be doing this for you? And the cook monk said, they're not me. And Dogen said, well, that might be so, but perhaps there's some other time when it wouldn't

[12:22]

be as hot as this that you could do this. And the cook monk said, until when should I wait? And Dogen says he walked away somewhat chagrined and with a newfound respect for this office of the cook, being very impressed with this spirit of this man's practice. They're not me, until when should I wait? And where each of us, our lives are like this, no one can take our place. Even though regardless of whether or not my life or your life seems particularly important or the moment of activity that we're involved in seems particularly special or anything, no one can take our place. So that quality of sincere effort or sincere attention, wholehearted giving oneself to

[13:30]

the moment becomes very important because no one's going to do that for us. And this doesn't mean that we look good or that others praise us, but we have some feeling. And we know I'm giving myself to this activity. So I was also remembering tonight, again back in the 60s when I was the head cook at Tassajara, we ate a lot of brown rice because there was this, about a third of the people there were macrobiotic. Do you know the brown rice diet? Is this still something that everybody knows about? Well anyway, the macrobiotics had this idea that was started by George Osawa and they

[14:36]

said you should eat brown rice and all the vegetables should be cooked and not raw and watch the sugar and the raisins and the... And they thought there shouldn't be yeast in the bread because the yeast was too expensive. So it was challenging to cook because then there are other people who say we need more raw vegetables and so forth, you know, there's always food factions. And the macrobiotics used to say that if you ate the right food you would be really peaceful and calm and apparently they weren't getting the right kind of food. But you see, of course, it was my fault, not, you know, because they were saying because I was the cook. This isn't exactly a Buddhist view, you know.

[15:38]

And then, you know, they also, the macrobiotics also said, you know, you shouldn't eat potatoes or tomatoes or eggplant because they'd say, and you'd say, why not? And they'd say, deadly nightshade family. And I don't know, you know, I mean there's plenty of cultures where people eat these things and it's not a problem, I mean. You know, I mean Italians do eat tomatoes and, you know, anyway. And you know, obviously if you're living up in the north you don't eat a lot of brown rice, you know, if you're up in Canada or, you know, Eskimos or something, you don't eat brown rice. So the macrobiotics have developed, you know, it's a very effective diet for certain things, so I don't want to, you know, in the context of trying to cook for people it becomes problematic.

[16:45]

It's a cleansing diet. So it can be very useful for clearing your arteries and, you know, sometimes getting rid of tumors, all kinds of things. But as an ongoing thing, it's not necessarily great, but anyway, it was a challenge for me cooking. And I finally decided one night to bake some potatoes. We'd had one of our week of meditations and so then as a special dinner I thought I'd bake some potatoes. And I had never baked potatoes before for, you know, 70 people. It takes a lot of oven space. And I was pretty happy, you know, we had the potatoes in the oven about an hour and a half ahead of the mealtime and, you know, you have to understand that in the Zen tradition when the bell rings the food is served. There are other spiritual traditions when the food is ready the bell is rung.

[17:49]

So, you know, in the Zen tradition, the people eating don't have to worry. They know, like, when the bell rings the food will be served. And the cooks have to worry and stress, like, we've got to have this ready. There's just no, there's no alternative, you know. And in the other tradition people are standing around and they say, well, when's the meal coming? And they say, well, when it's ready they're going to hit the bell, what's your problem? But everybody's actually kind of worried, you know, is the food coming? And so you have this widely distributed angst throughout the sangha compared to just a few people in the kitchen, especially the head cook. So about 20 minutes before the mealtime I checked some of the potatoes and they were, some of them were just barely warm. And they were really hard.

[19:02]

So we turned up the ovens full blast. These are ovens that are powered, you know, that we were using propane for our stoves at Tassajara. And it was too late, you know. So you know, a few of the potatoes had gotten done, but it turns out, you know, that to get potatoes to cook, I mean, you should have the oven way hotter because all those potatoes take a lot of heat, because they're all absorbing heat. So then you should have the ovens way, it's not like if you have four potatoes, you know, in a big oven. The time thing, you know, just completely different. So we served these potatoes. And the other night I was over in Berkeley, I was telling James Perez's group this story, and my friend who had been, you know, at Zen Center, Sheridan, she was sitting in the second row and

[20:06]

she said, I was there. And she said that when the potatoes came out, she started giggling so much she had to leave. It was, it was that outrageous, you know, to have potatoes being served. And so she missed the fact that she started giggling even before anybody realized that they were solid. And I was serving this meal, so we went ahead and served, and normally I just leave at the end after serving, but I decided to watch what happened. And I was especially curious to see what would happen with Suzuki Roshi. He'd been so, you know, thank you, you know, receptive to the potatoes. Well, the next thing you need to know is, like, what do we have for utensils?

[21:09]

We have these whole little eating bowls, and we have these cloths, you know, and we bow and chant, and then you have a little napkin for your lap and a little cloth for drying your bowls, because we also wash the bowls and utensils as part of the meal. And then you have to eat your meal with a spoon and chopsticks. You don't have a knife. So Suzuki Roshi picked up his spoon and then went to take a piece of potato. I think we'd probably serve some butter or something or sour cream to go with it, but he went to, and he couldn't do it. So he put his bowl down, and he picked up his chopsticks, and he took the chopstick and put it in, and then he pounded on it.

[22:11]

He'd done all this rock work in his life, you know, so he knew exactly what to do, and he made a little line of holes across the potato, one after another, and then he chiseled the piece of potato off, and then he ate it, like it was the most delicious thing in the world. The other thing that's awkward is that by the end of the meal, you know, we serve hot water, and we have a cleaning stick, and you have a cleaning stick to clean your bowl, and you pour the water into the next bowl, and you dry your bowl. Well, what are you going to do if you haven't eaten all of your potatoes? Because you have to, so if you're lucky, you can, like, and then the last bowl, the water in the last bowl, we come around and collect it in buckets, and there's a little chance,

[23:15]

because we offer the water with which we wash these bowls to the spirits to satisfy them, and we pour the water into these buckets, but usually you don't pour food into the buckets. It's just water, so you need to have sleeves or something, you know, the little sleeves with the pockets, you know, in case you can put something in there then. There was one student who used to come, and he had a little flask of soy sauce in his sleeve. Special seasoning for his food. Anyway, basically, it was what I think of as a fiasco, you know, that's a potato fiasco. And I think we probably heated up some leftover brown rice for seconds. And later I went to talk to Suzuki Roshi, and he kind of wasn't even interested in talking about it.

[24:27]

I said, I'm sorry, you know, we didn't get the potatoes cooked. And he said, it's okay, I know you. And he said something like, you know, it's okay, I know you work very hard and you make a sincere effort. You know, it was that same kind of feeling. And what else are you going to do? We're all in this business, and we all try so hard to live our lives and to do well and to take care of things and to do our work and our responsibilities and our relationships. And finally, you know, it's just our sincerity and our good heart, you know, that we do what we can. And various things happen, don't they? Yes? Well, what did you do tonight?

[25:34]

Oh, when I'm here, it's Zazen now. How would you know? How would you know whether it was Zazen or not? Oh, the films! You've seen people looking good. They were looking so good, you missed his sincere effort. I saw Philip Tassajara at the Good Film Festival at the Rotel recently. And my question was, so under the circumstances with the rock-hard potatoes and everybody having to deal with them, humor was not an option? No. Well, I think there was some laughter. Yeah, that was even before she found out the potatoes were hard, and she was giggling so much, she decided she had to leave.

[26:44]

But usually people don't leave when they're giggling. They just, you know, they usually will stick around and weather it. And then, but somehow, yes, and somehow in the context of the meditation hall, somehow Zen people are often very humorless. So, oh wow. Huh? It seems like a missed opportunity. Yeah, missed opportunity, absolutely. So, Dogen tells a second mushroom story in his instructions to the cook. And in this case, he was still on the ship from Japan that he'd come over from Japan on, and there was a cook who came from a monastery to buy mushrooms from Japan. And Dogen met him and talked to them, and they had tea.

[27:47]

And Dogen said, where did you come from? And he told him the monastery at Mount Ayuwong. And Dogen said, when did you leave? And he said, about noon. And how far is it? It's about 12 miles. And the cook told him he was getting the mushrooms for this special meal, which coincidentally is the fifth day of the fifth month. I didn't realize that, you know, it sounds like Cinco de Mayo, you know. I guess other people have this fifth day of the fifth month. So, the monk had walked for 10 or 12 miles in order to get mushrooms, and he said, I have to go back. And Dogen said, surely in such a big monastery there must be other people who could carry out your duties. And the cook monk said, I've taken this responsibility, and I'm going to, you know, in my old age, after many years of practice,

[28:53]

and I intend to carry it out. And also, I don't have permission to stay out. I didn't ask for permission, so I need to go back. So then Dogen says to him, you know, at your age, and everything considered, wouldn't it be better to be practicing meditation, or studying the sutras, studying the words of the ancient masters? Wouldn't that be better than just working? And this monk said to Dogen, my good man from a foreign country, you really don't understand meditation or the sutras, do you? And Dogen, bless his heart, so to speak, you know, Dogen right away said, what is practice? What are words?

[29:54]

He turned right around and thought, well, I'm going to learn something here, you know. And the cook monk said, if you keep this question close to your heart, you cannot fail to become someone of understanding. You keep the question close to your heart. And then the monk left. And later, Dogen met him again at the monastery. The Tenzo, the cook monk, came to see Dogen and said that he was retiring and going back to his native country or province. And Dogen again asked him, you know, what is practice? And the cook monk said, one, two, three, four, five.

[30:58]

It's just each thing, one after another. And Dogen said, what are words? And what is the teaching? And the cook said, nothing in the universe Nothing in the universe is hidden. This reminds me, there's a Japanese monk who said, see with your eyes, smell with your nose, hear with your ears, nothing in the universe is hidden. What else would you have me say? Sincere effort, you know, wholehearted practice. What else would you have me say is, how do I get the oatmeal, how do I make oatmeal so that nobody has any complaint at all? Tell me that one. And Dogen said, he was very impressed with these answers

[32:14]

and it reminded him of a poem that I want to share with you. It's a short poem. And I was thinking of this poem last night. I was at Green's Restaurant for a benefit for the San Francisco Zen Center. And when we walked out of the restaurant, there was the moon just coming up, so just above the horizon through the trees, up above Fort Mason there. And then we walked a few steps and there was the moon, full moon between the trees, very large, you know. And so the poem is with one word, seven words or three times five words, nothing in the universe can be fully described. Night advances, the full moon glows

[33:17]

and falls into the ocean. The black dragon jewel that you've been searching for is everywhere. The black dragon jewel, what you've been searching for is everywhere. Everywhere. So I want to encourage you, you know, let what you've been searching for, with your soft mind, with your good heart, you know, let it come home to your heart. The black dragon jewel. This is, you know, your sincere effort, your wholehearted practice. Each moment that may seem like just a piece of dirt or one drop of water. And our whole, you know, being can be there and is awake and alive.

[34:28]

And we feel, you know, touched. And held by life. And we forget that, you know, what we're searching for isn't, you know, dependent on our performance. It's dependent on our presence. And it's not dependent on what we want. It's not dependent on our control or manipulation of circumstances or, you know, accomplishment. It's dependent on our compassion. And letting, you know, the gift of life, you know, move us, move through us. And, you know, come to activity in our lives.

[35:34]

Thank you. Thank you very much for your presence here tonight.

[36:27]

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