Well, I'm here to give a lecture. Most of the time when I give a lecture, I try to make it look easy. But actually, I kind of, you know, I don't know, maybe just so you'll be sympathetic, but I do kind of, I want to tell you that I struggle over these things, you know. I spend the day struggling, I mean, not necessarily like thinking about what I'm going to say, but about the fact that I'm going to be here in front of all of you having to say something, and then I wonder, you know, if it'll be worth your time, if it'll make all the difference in your life. If I can say, if I can say anything that would be, you know, kind of somewhere relevant to you, I'd kind of like you to like me in the process, or think like what a nice person he is,

[01:32]

or what a good teacher, or something like that, I mean, that would be kind of nice. And I'd like the talk to be useful for you, so I'd like you to be like happy about yourself, too. I'd like you to feel good about yourself in the process of listening to my talk. So, this is a big challenge. And basically, you know, I don't think it's possible. So, then after a while, I think, well, if that's not possible, why go on? Why even open your mouth, or, you know, take a breath, or anything? But anyway, I've decided to go on, and to show up. Anyway, even though I can't do any of these things particularly. And, you know, so I'll do something, we'll see what happens, and we can all kind of more or less enjoy the evening, I think.

[02:34]

So, it does have something, I think, to do with love. Showing up, going on, and not worrying too much about the rest. And, as I was saying to some of you the other day, I have a fairly high tolerance for embarrassment, so here I am. Also, you know, we're doing Zen and Yoga this week, so this is a little stretch. I mentioned on Monday night something Suzuki Roshi had said. He said that we who practice Zen should wear with ease these cumbersome, difficult robes. I have an Okesa now that's especially difficult, and I'm not wearing it with much ease, and I'm not sure how long this is going to go on.

[03:46]

The Okesa is the outer robe, and the flap that's supposed to tuck in and stay up here keeps on coming undone and falling open. And then the other part that's supposed to stay over my sleeve keeps slipping up and falling out that way, so I'm tucking this and tucking this. So, it's not very easeful yet. I don't know what I'm going to do about this. So, Suzuki Roshi did say, when he says, should, it's not always so. But anyway, our intention is to… Do you like this sound? I mean, I get… Does it need this amplification? Yes. Okay. I mean, I can talk… So… All right. All right. So, now you can all hear just fine, and I don't need to speak up, or I shouldn't speak up, or what? I can just talk like this and it works? Okay. I had this amazing experience recently at Green's Restaurant where I was the MC for the 20th anniversary birthday party,

[04:53]

and the microphone worked about 30 feet into the room, and then there was 300 people beyond that still partying on. It was like having the wind blowing sand in your face, and then like, let's tell them just how much we appreciate… You know, Green still being here after 20 years, it was very difficult. So, this tonight is not quite like that. It's hard to talk when nobody's listening, or when a large part of the room isn't. So, I appreciate your willingness to listen. Anyway, I liked also then the next expression of Suzuki Roshi's. He said, similarly, we should wear this busy life, wear our busy life in this civilization without being burdened by it, without being caught by it, without ignoring this busy life, without trying to escape it.

[06:00]

We should find our composure in this busy life, in our civilization. This is, I think, useful instruction or suggestion. I talked with some people afterwards who said, you know, they tried doing that with the band that moved in next door and was practicing at all hours, and after six months, they finally got a restraining order. So, I don't mean that there aren't times to take strong action and stands, but on the whole, we're not going to reinvent life or redo things. You know, the classic upside-down views for Buddhists, or sometimes translated perverted views, is that we seek permanence, where actually most of the time, reality is impermanent, things are impermanent, relationships are impermanent, our life is impermanent.

[07:06]

We seek permanence, and we'll seek it either in the stability of our relationships, our work, where we live, but also in our state of mind. I'm going to establish a state of mind, and I'm going to keep it, and I'll defend my state of mind against everything that happens. So, if it's a busy world and a busy life, this civilization, your permanent mind is not going to last, the one that you set out to keep. So, this was a kind of an upside-down idea in the first place. Similarly, it's considered in Buddhism that everything is suffering, or unsatisfying, not dependable. So, to try to find ease, continuous ease, in a world that's suffering isn't going to work. To try to have everything turn out the way we want isn't going to work.

[08:06]

And similarly, to try to establish a self that we like and appreciate, and everybody else does too, isn't going to work. There's no self to be found, and no self that we can create and have and keep. And yet, we set out to do these things, to have a self, to keep our state of mind calm, or one thing or another. So, this is a kind of mistake we make. So, Suzuki Roshi's advice is useful, I think, a good reminder. And this week, especially since we're doing Zen and Yoga, I've been thinking a lot about stretching. And it seems like stretching is something all of us do, whether we're doing Yoga or not. And life will actually stretch us, whether we ask it to or not. And it's just going to happen. There's no way, then, to set up a life where we don't get stretched, where we don't get pulled this way and that.

[09:12]

Where we can just accomplish all the things we said we'd do, and not be tired and be buoyant, and be a loving parent. And all the things that we set out to do, we're going to get stretched. So, it's interesting, just the simple kind of idea in Yoga that we're working with is, actually, that if there's not any stretch, what was the point? And actually, in Yoga class, if you give somebody instruction, you say, put this foot there and that one there, and then do this and do that. And then if people don't feel anything, they say, what was supposed to happen? And what you're going to feel at some point is a stretch. You're going to feel, and the stretch is indicated by, oh, there's a kind of an aching or a burning or a kind of a pain. There's a kind of intensity somewhere in your body. And then sometimes you say, is this where the intensity ought to be for this pose? You want to check, because you don't want to just have this intensity haphazardly.

[10:18]

You want to have the desired focused intensity in a particular place. And there are certain places where you tend, most of the time, to not want to have the intensity or the stretch. Oftentimes, the admonition is, now, if this affects your lower back, stop. Ease up. Do not do it as I just told you. So, there are definitely times when we say something like that. So, we're studying how to stretch in ways and in places where we're not accustomed to. We're not necessarily practiced at. And if we're not stretching and we're not feeling that, we wonder, well, what am I doing here? Why would I be in yoga class? Or maybe I'm not doing this the way it could be done. And similarly, on the other side is, if you overdo a stretch, literally your muscles tighten up to protect themselves from being overstretched.

[11:26]

So, when you stretch too much, there will be some resistance. And if you continue in that direction, you actually can tear muscles or actually can hurt yourself. Many people who have done yoga, and certainly over a period of time, if you do yoga where you push yourself to stretch all the time, there was an article in the yoga journal, why are so many people getting injured in yoga? Who do yoga for years. And it's because they actually work too hard at stretching. They're going to overcome the resistance. They're going to keep stretching. So, they don't take any of the indications that this is maybe too much. This is more than my body can do. This is not actually letting go and expanding and opening into the stretch. This is pushing through resistance. And then we have injury.

[12:31]

Similarly, I tell people in meditation, I spent many years, I'd start to get hurt in meditation. And then I'd start to clench my jaw and grit my teeth. And screw up my face. And I thought that would help to get through that situation. And I thought if I did that long enough and well enough, I could just push through the resistance. And, you know, there'd be this wonderful open space ahead. Like the light at the end of the tunnel. Do you remember that with the Vietnam War? This is about the time of the Vietnam War. But still, even though I understood there was no light at the end of the tunnel for the Vietnam War, I thought at the end of my tunnel, there was. And finally, after doing this for many years, I think about, you know, five or six years.

[13:35]

I thought one day, I don't think there's any light at the end of this tunnel. I think I just won't go into that tunnel anymore. So when my face started to do these various contortions, I just moved. I sometimes moved every five minutes. Every four minutes, you know, if it's during a session. And after a while, I could sit for a longer period of time without having my face pretty quickly. Without having my face, you know, go into resistance. So this is an interesting study, you know, what is, you know, for any of us. And as I say, whether it's yoga or, you know, our daily life. Daily life is going to stretch us too. I know in my life, you know, there's traffic. There's things that I said I would do. There's places to go. I give talks.

[14:40]

I give classes. If I'm giving a cooking class, I have to go shopping. I have to get all the food together. I have to get the things together. I have to go to somebody's house. I don't know what's happening there. I don't know where any of their stuff is. And it's stressful. It's a stretch. And it's still a stretch for me after many years of doing this sort of thing. And certainly relationships are a stress, a stretch. A stress at times. You know, parents. My mother's in her 80s now. My stepmother. My daughter's 26. There's all the time things happening that, you know, what do we do? How can we handle it? And the way we've been going on living our life, and especially if you, you know, are trying, like the things I started out with, well, I'd like to please you.

[15:40]

I'd like you to like me. I'd like to do well. I'd like you to feel good about yourself. And if I'm going to try to do all these things, and the stressful things, you know, in my life, it's not going to work necessarily. You know, at some point I feel like, why go on? I can't manage this. I can't do all these things. And some of the things I'm setting out to do, you know, are not necessarily the things on the schedule. Or the yoga stretch. You know, it's something more implicit in the rules I've made for myself about the kind of person, you know, I should be. So that you all like me. And so forth. It's annoying, you know, because people keep telling me, we like you well enough, Ed, without you having to do all those things. Okay, so relax. And then, why would I believe you? I mean, what an act of faith that would be, huh?

[16:44]

Wow. Anyway. So, we're studying how to stretch in our life, one way or another. And then, what is, you know, not enough stretch? And we'll look for something if we're not getting stretched. You know, we'll look for something. Most of us. And, you know, if we're not getting stretched at some point, we feel bored, tired, worn out, you know, depressed, discouraged. Because nothing's interesting. Nothing's engaging. What would be engaging except that stretch? That intensity. It's right at the, you know, at a certain point. Where it's not, you're not stretching too far. You're stretching enough, but not too far. And you're working right there. And then you can concentrate. You can focus. You can be absorbed. You have something to absorb yourself on. And it's exactly that point. And how to be at that point. And work at that point. And then there actually is focus and commitment and attention and mindfulness.

[17:48]

And otherwise, we're either resistant or, you know, I'm not going to go there. Why bother? I don't want to stretch today. So, it's a kind of resistance one way or another. And we're not actually entering into our life. Unless we have, you know, some degree of stretch there. Of course, the other thing that, you know, Zen practice does, and Suzuki Roshi mentioned, is that, you know, our teachers, you know, Japanese Zen teachers mentioned, is whether, and again, I think it's not just Zen practice, but we set it up in Zen practice. So, you will find your weak point. It's going to be hard enough in terms of how much sleep you have and how much work you do. And, you know, the challenge of the schedule and, you know, the weather or, you know, your relationships. It's going to be hard enough that you'll find your weak point. Whether you call that my lower back, my knee, my fatigue, my anger, my discouragement, you know, whatever you call it, you'll find it.

[18:49]

It will be there. And actually, you know, our daily life does this too. Our daily life will at some, you know, bring us, tend to bring us to our, you know, identify our weak point. And, you know, in Zen, we're doing this consciously and intentionally because the idea is otherwise you'll spend your life protecting yourself from your weak point. You'll hide it from yourself, your weak point, and you'll try to hide your weak point from others so that they don't know and you don't know. And then this is, you know, and then also we're kind of, this is one way that we end up limiting our lives so that we don't meet our weak point. And then we have to be careful to be contained enough and not stretch enough so that we don't go over into our weak point. You know, we don't stretch so far that we find out what gives first. So most of us who practice Zen, we're interested in,

[19:49]

we have this kind of interest in intensity and, you know, expansion, becoming bigger, and then, you know, we'll go for our weak point. You know, we like something that brings up our weak point. You know, you might think that's perverse, but... And there is a point where you can wallow in it and, you know, sort of drown in it, and you don't have to keep doing that again. You can back up or ease off from, you know, the activity enough so that you can heal and, again, go back to where it's just enough of a stretch for you. I want to mention some other thing, one other point here, and I'm not sure how it's going to fit in, but I'll mention it anyway. When I worked here in the kitchen, and it's more than 30 years ago now,

[20:54]

so it's a little dated, you know, my experience. But one of the things, you know, we've worked things out now so that people who work in the kitchen can come to lectures and various things. In those days, nobody paid any attention to what the kitchen schedule was. So people who worked in the kitchen used to be upset. We're missing the Dharma talk or we're missing meditation because we're working in the kitchen. So sometimes I would tell them, why don't you go to the, you know, the Dharma talk, I'll clean up. And I decided pretty much, well, first of all, I decided it must be possible to practice Zen in America rather than going to Japan. Because all the stories I heard about people going to Japan, you know, there are not very many people who go to Japan. And somehow it works out really well. I hear many, many horror stories about people going to Japan to study Zen.

[22:00]

And I also decided that, you know, whatever I was doing must be Zen. Even though I didn't understand why, but I took, you know, Suzuki Roshi's word for it and Kadagiri Roshi's word for it. You know, that whatever I was doing must be the same thing as Zazen, must be the same thing as lecture. Just in the same way that, you know, yoga is stretching. You'll get stretched wherever you go. And the question is, you know, how, you know, something to do with our awareness. And what it is we're working on and how it is we, you know, are focusing our energy and so forth. I do find it interesting and, you know, all those people who worked in the kitchen, you know, none of them are here anymore. None of them come back to Tassar anymore. All those people who, you know, went to more lectures and did more Zazen than I did, they're not here.

[23:05]

And I'm still coming back. And I think it has something to do with the fact that I appreciate not just Zazen but I appreciate various aspects of our life to be an arena or an area for us to study ourselves, know ourselves and to grow. You know, grow is another word for stretch. And so anyway, tonight I want to share with you, you know, some vocabulary I've been studying recently. It's a kind of, it's what we call kid talk. And then I'm going to give you the translation for kid talk. You know, what we actually mean when we say these things. Because, anyway, I think you'll find it interesting. I find it interesting.

[24:07]

And what is interesting is to begin to know, you know, what we actually mean when we say something. So, the first one is, I have to. What does it mean when we say, I have to? I have to, it means, I have to or I won't be loved. If I don't do this, I won't be loved. So, I have to. We put this kind of coercion on ourself. So, in this case, you know, to stretch may not be to, you know, to stretch yourself so you do what you have to, but to stretch is to notice your language and what it is actually going on. I have to or I won't be loved. And so maybe I don't have to. And I'll hazard the possibility of not being loved. Another one is, I can't. I can't is, I'm afraid to.

[25:09]

Or, you know, I refuse to. I'm not going to. I don't want to. But rather than saying, I don't want to, we say, I can't. Because I don't want to. We'd actually have to admit to, you know, wanting or not wanting. Around Zen centers, you know, you're not supposed to want or not want, so you say, I can't. And then there's, yes but. Yes but is, I didn't want to hear what you just said. I refuse to accept your truth. Yes but. And I should. I should means, I'm not and I don't want to. You know, I should clean the house. Well, I'm not cleaning the house.

[26:12]

I don't want to clean the house. But I should clean the house. So I should means, you know, so what's the reality? The reality is, I'm not and I don't want to. So just to say I should, you know, we actually, it's a way that we avoid taking the responsibility and admitting, I don't, I'm not and I don't want to. We say, I should. Or I'm supposed to. Well, yeah, I'll do it but not yet. Not right now. I might eventually. I'm supposed to. And then there's, you know, I'm trying. I'm trying means, I'm not going to, I refuse to. But I'm going to control your response

[27:17]

to my refusal by saying, I'm trying. And you won't be angry with me if I'm trying. Can't be angry. If I just say, I'm not going to, I refuse to. I'm not going to and I refuse. You could get angry, so I'm trying. Our language tends to, you know, this kind of so-called kid talk is, you know, how we cover up our, you know, what's, in a way, what's going on in our life and what might have to stretch or give. Another one is, I hope. I hope is, you take care of it. You do it. I'd like this to happen, I hope this happens, but I'm not going to do it, so you do it. I hope somebody does it. Or I'm coping. I'm helpless. I'm helpless, so I'm going unconscious.

[28:18]

I'm coping. I'm coping. And then there's, it's impossible. It's impossible because if I did this, you'd expect me to do it all the time. And it would be impossible for me to keep doing this, so it's impossible, so I'm not going to do it. I refuse. It's impossible. Sometimes, you know, stretching is impossible. Sometimes we say, you know, it's impossible. It would be impossible to sit for 40 minutes. It would be impossible to work. It would be impossible any number of things, you know. It would be impossible to stay calm or, you know, to not be upset. But if we did it, you know, the standards would be raised and people would expect, you know, we feel like others would expect this of us more often.

[29:20]

We might expect it of ourselves. I trust you. I trust you when it's kid talk, you know, is God loves me. God doesn't want me to hurt, so it's your fault if I do. I trust you. And you know the one, always, never. You always, you always criticize me. You never compliment me. So, you're three years old or less. I thought, this makes perfect sense because, you know, it's only between the ages of three and four when we integrate good mother and bad mother. You know, when you're three years, up to three years, mommy is good and you say,

[30:21]

good mother, good mommy, good mommy. I love you, I love you. And then the next minute, if it's frustrating, bad mommy, I wish you were dead. Bad mommy. So, you know, that's always a never. And then it's between the ages of three and four when we can integrate that or some of us who are lucky integrate those two. And we can, you know, backtrack a little bit and integrate some of these things. And again, you know, to notice this, you know, these kind of, to notice what's actually going on in our life is a stretch. To look behind the surface is a stretch. Anyway, there's one more, which is, if I took care of myself, I wouldn't be lovable. If I could actually take care of myself, who would like me? I think this comes up, you know, with Zen students and teachers.

[31:25]

You know, students then get in the habit of, you know, asking the teacher, what's the answer? Because if they just were capable and took care of themselves, then how could the teacher help them? How could the teacher give them anything? What would we do together? This is similar to, you know, if I trusted myself, if I forgave myself, if I accepted myself, what would be the point of a relationship? Because I want a relationship so somebody else can forgive me and save me and help me and protect me and love me. And I need them to do that. I can't do it for myself. Okay.

[32:42]

I appreciate Suzuki Roshi's saying, you know, to practice Zen is to own your own body and mind. Owning your own body and mind is, you know, this is... I bring up this kind of language, so, you know, we have a chance to look at what it would be like to own our own body and mind. And when we use, you know, some of this language, you know, I can't, I have to, I'm supposed to, I should, I'm trying, I'm coping, it's impossible, you always, I never. This is language that is not, you know, exactly owning our experience. So we can stretch a bit and look at what our experience is and own it. You know, we can own... And at some point, you know, it's where I started tonight,

[34:18]

I can't do it, you know, it's impossible for me to give a good enough talk. You know, that I can, you know, that will make all the difference in your life or my life, or, you know, that you'll admire me or... You know, this is all part of an ongoing conversation. And, you know, conversation I've been having with, you know, various of you this week and various, you know, individually and in groups. So this conversation will continue. You know, this isn't the end of it, this isn't the final word. Personally, I rather enjoy listening to the sound of the creek, you know, I stop talking for a little bit, creek sounds awfully nice to me. It's awfully refreshing. Thank you.

[35:42]

So I do, although it's not the language of Zen exactly, I do, you know, want to say that love is larger. We have the expression in Zen, you know, big mind. Big mind, we say, is always on your side. You know, big mind is always supporting you, is always with you, is, you know, not against you. Implicitly, you know, with this we're, you know, we're living the life we chose to live and we can choose to live our life. And we can choose to stretch or expand into our problems and difficulties rather than shrinking away from them. Problems and difficulties come with this life. And not that we need to ignore them or, you know, not take appropriate action when, you know,

[36:53]

as we can sort out to do, but... This is actually our love that chooses, you know, it's out of love we choose to do this. We choose to expand into our difficulty or problem and to stretch. To grow larger hearted. And, you know, if we say, I have to or, you know, I won't be loved, then, you know, implicitly it's believing that people only love me based on my performance. And, you know, it's just not true. Love is larger than that. We love our children or our parents just because we love them. It's not their performance. You know, love, in that sense, it's not, you know, up for sale. It's not to be bought.

[37:55]

Anyway, similarly, big mind is always with you. It's not a matter of, you know, how well or poorly you're doing by some scale or another that you've devised. We're all here and supported with the oxygen and the earth and the... sky and the ground and all of us working here together. You know, it takes care of all of us, supports all of us. It's quite remarkable. I, in the last couple of days, I came across a poem by Rumi, which I liked and I thought I'd share with you and seemed appropriate for my talk tonight. This is the end of... The poem's a bit longer than this. This was the end of it. And so it goes like this. He says, Work, and I think, you know, work, we could say stretch. Anyway, work. Keep digging your well.

[38:57]

Don't think about getting off work. Water is there somewhere. Submit to a daily practice. Your loyalty to that is like a knock on the door. Keep knocking and the joy inside will open a window to look out and see who's there. Should we try it with stretch? Stretch. Keep digging your well. Don't think about getting out of the stretch. Water is there somewhere. Submit to a daily practice. Your loyalty to that is like a knock on the door. Keep knocking and the joy inside will eventually open a window to look out and see who's there.

[40:00]

We do find this joy, I think, actually in our, you know, stretch. And, you know, life will bring us this one way or another, whether we're here at Tassajara or wherever we go in our life, there will be, you know, a stretch. I thought by now, after more than 30 years of Zen practice, I wouldn't have to do this. I don't have to anymore. But I'm here to tell you, and maybe this is discouraging for you, but I think it's rather encouraging, you know, that we're actually learning how to do this practice of stretching. And it's not like we're going to get to the point where it's done. It's all of our life. So the sooner we choose, you know, or study how to do this, we can keep doing it and our life is very fulfilling and rewarding because of it. And we actually grow and develop in our life. And this is also to enter, you know, to go outside of the area of your expertise

[41:09]

and competence and capabilities and enter new areas and new realms. And whether it's in the same relationship or new relationships, whether it's the same job or new jobs, new interests. You know, we can go out into areas and activities and ways of being that we have no idea how to do it. And otherwise you'll be stuck and limited to what I'm good at, what I'm capable of doing. Why would any of us choose to do that? It's our love that, you know, sends us out to do what we have to do in our life. Thank you very much. The area outside is a silent area and after 8.30. So if you could keep that in mind as you're leaving. Keep your voices down anyway. And I guess a few people can stay here. If you're moving the chairs, please pick them up rather than sliding them across the floor and we'll put the room back in order.

[42:11]

Thank you again.

[42:12]

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