1998.MM.DD-serial.00138

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EB-00138

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Good evening.
Well, I've come a long way for this occasion.
How about you?
Is this on?
It is on.
It's got that little red light going.
Right, right.
So what should I tell you about?
I'm not sure where I want to start.
When in doubt, you have to start someplace.
Whether or not it's a good starting place, I'll go ahead and start.
Talks, I find, are a little bit like cooking.
If you worry too much about whether it's going to be good enough, you won't be able to cook a thing or say a thing.
So at some point, there's no help but to voice something or do something in your life.
And not worry too much about whether it's good enough.
Anyway, I want to remind you about the beginning of...
This week, I thought I'd talk a little bit about one of the chapters of Dōgen, which in Japanese is the Būkansazengi.
And in English, that's recommending Zazen to everyone or something like that.
So at the beginning of these works by Dōgen is often considered to be the summary of the piece.
So the Būkansazengi begins by saying,
The real way circulates everywhere.
How could it depend on practice or enlightenment?
The essential teaching is fully available.
Why would effort be needed?
The entire mirror is free of dust.
Why take steps to polish it?
Nothing is separate from this very place.
Why turn it away?
So, this is a religious problem for whether you're a Christian or Buddhist or anybody.
It's like saying, if there is a God, how come there's suffering?
Or how come there's wars?
Where is there some place that God couldn't be?
Christians have to be able to explain this.
I don't know exactly how they do, but they say this pretty well.
I don't know what they say.
Maybe some of you know.
But the real way circulates everywhere.
Where is it that wouldn't be the real way?
And how could your life be something other than the real way?
Do you think that it's possible to have a life which isn't your real way?
The real way and your way, that's the real way.
Your life is the real way.
Big reassurance.
It should be, you know.
So, how could practice like sitting darshan or enlightenment be of any help one way or another?
The real way is circulating everywhere freely.
That's the problem.
And the essential teaching is freely and fully available.
Buddhism says, you know, sometimes the essential teaching is impermanent.
You've probably noticed that.
You know, and you've probably noticed that things hurt now and again most of the time.
So, is there some teaching that's lacking?
It's there all the time, so how could any effort be needed?
The teaching is there, you know, without your effort.
And in fact, the more you make effort, and a lot of times, you know, the more you're efforting, the less you'll be observing or sensing or experiencing.
You'll be too busy making effort to be noticing much.
The same is true, you know, if you're concentrating on doing the right thing.
If you're busy getting it right, you won't be able to notice much.
And the entire mirror, you know, the mirror is used for your mind.
The mind is like a mirror, and the mirror is free of dust.
You know, this is a little different than sometimes in Buddhism.
It's explained that the mirror is covered with dust, and you need to clean it so that it reflects clearly.
So, this is a little debate in Buddhism, right?
Is your mind already free of dust, or do you need to clean it?
Which is it?
So, here, Dogen says the entire mirror is free of dust.
Why would you take steps to polish it?
You know, sometimes Zen teachers say, there's a Japanese Zen teacher who said,
for 30 years, I tried to sweep away the dust.
And then I noticed that the sweeping was stirring up more dust.
You know, this was actually kind of obscuring things.
The sweeping is actually creating more dust.
So, now that I've stopped sweeping, I can experience something new and fresh.
And, you know, nothing is separate from here.
Why carry it away?
Why go anywhere?
Why do anything?
Everything is here.
And then, you know, the next line is a little...
you know, not exactly obvious what is meant, but it says,
but if you miss the mark by even a strand of hair,
it's as distant as heaven from earth.
So, whatever it is, you know, to miss the mark.
But partly that means, like, now, you know,
you may not believe that the real way circulates everywhere.
You might think, oh no, my life doesn't...
this isn't... my life isn't the real way.
Or you might think, you know, the mirror needs some dusting.
You might believe that.
Anyway.
All in all, I think, you know, it's to say,
you know, let's have some confidence in our life.
That it's already, you know, the way.
That this is the... there's not some, you know,
Buddhist freeway that you get on, you know,
and then you can go really fast
and you don't have to go through all the little towns
and come to all the stop signs and stop lights.
Do you know all those little towns?
Confusion, blame, fear, anger.
There's a lot of little towns that will stop you along the way.
So there's no Buddhist freeway.
And so actually your path, your life,
with all its difficulty, is the path.
You all come through all these little towns.
So I've arrived here and it kind of turned out that...
I mean, I didn't know when I agreed to come here, right?
That you were going to be having a...
Have you thought of a name for it yet?
You know, a kind of form revival or, you know, reformation?
Or, you know, that you would be changing the way that you do things
and having new forms, you know,
and then we'll have a little chant before the lecture.
Did you know you were going to be doing that?
Anyway, I didn't know you were going to be doing that when I agreed to come here.
And now it turns out I'm the apostle of...
the new way to do things, you see.
So I may be either a really terrible person to be doing this
or a really terrific person to be doing this
because, personally, I'm not especially interested in forms one way or another.
I've never been particularly big on the forms.
And here I am, you know, I'm supposed to pass them out to you.
So...
I do wear these robes, though.
And speaking of which, you know, I don't recommend it especially.
You know, it's kind of hot.
And, you know, it depends what country, you know, the robes come from.
But, you know, this is the original Indian robe.
You know, so if you're an Indian, you just wear the one robe.
But, you know, then the Chinese got hold of it and they added this one
and then the Japanese got hold of it and they added this one.
So now it's four layers, you know, regardless of the temperature.
And then you can put more on underneath when it's cold.
That's if, you know, you're an American, you know.
Some places, same robes, you know, winter and summer.
But that's another story.
Anyway, so...
If you're at Tassajara and we don't have air conditioning, you know,
then you get to sweat a lot.
And so I don't go to, like, Indian sweat lodge practices.
I figure I've done enough sweat lodge practice in my life.
I don't need to do more of those things.
We had an event at Tassajara.
Oh, about five years ago.
Or five years ago.
I can't remember. Maybe it was more.
Maybe it was 91.
I guess it was 91.
And all these Japanese priests came, about 25 or 30 Japanese priests.
And it's especially bad when all these people come.
And then we asked the person who was going to be giving the dharma talks
what time he wanted to do it.
And he said, 2 o'clock.
And we said, that's the hottest time of the day.
You know, when it was over 100 degrees outside.
And wouldn't it be better, you know, to do it at another time
because at 2 o'clock people will have trouble.
It'll be very hot and they'll be falling asleep.
And he said, 2 o'clock, lecture.
So, I don't know how the Japanese do it, but they don't seem to sweat.
They just sit there.
And I could hardly breathe after a while.
And then when you get up, there's this hole, you know, on the sabotage.
You know, where the sweat is just soaked through all the robes.
You know, one or two layers underneath here is all wet.
So, this is for your benefit, you know, or your enlightenment or something.
In other words, Buddhist way.
Life goes on.
And, you know, I don't live at Zen Center.
So, and part of the reason I don't live at Zen Center, I mean, there's a lot of reasons.
One is, I mean, I lived at Zen Center for, you know, 18 or 20 years.
And so, I had a lot of experience of form.
And rules.
And, you know, the way things are done.
And then at some point, you know, there's also politics.
And, you know, there's a lot of things going on in a big group.
And, so it's hard to know why I left Zen Center.
But I left Zen Center partly to be able to fall apart in peace and quiet.
You know, rather than in front of other people.
It's one of the mysteries of Zen practice.
Like, if you're sitting here, do you get to cry while you're sitting?
Or do you, or what?
You know, and if it's really okay to cry, why aren't there boxes of Kleenexes out here in Zen?
This is, my girlfriend Patricia says, well, I tell her, it's all right to cry in the meditation hall.
She says, well, if it's really okay, why aren't there boxes of Kleenex?
If you go to a fastener retreat, they have boxes of Kleenex.
Anyway, it's a mystery, you know, like, where do you get to fall apart?
Because if you don't get to fall apart, how can you, how can you actually go forward?
Anyway.
But there are a few things I want to tell you about forms, okay?
And this is just the beginning. We'll just barely touch on it.
But first of all, I want you to know that there actually isn't, nobody knows what the form is.
So, you know, like, you get to, I have to read all your chant things,
because they're all different than the chants we do in California, you know?
And then you get, you know, like a new meal chant, and then, you know,
if I go back to Tassara almost every year, something's changed.
Somebody's decided there's some new, better translation, and this is more accurate than that one.
And, you know, it doesn't matter whether you like the old one or not, now there's a new one.
And, you know, some people are meeting someplace for hours to figure this stuff out.
You know, and some people like going to those meetings, apparently.
I mean, they like it enough where they're willing, anyway, to go to those meetings,
and have to step out and decide these things, you know?
And which bell is when, and, you know.
And, you know, I'm not interested, and I go back to Tassara each year in the summer,
and then, you know, it's new, and it's different.
They have a new chant, and they have new little things.
It's quite interesting.
So I just kind of go along with the next thing that comes up.
But certain things I refuse to worry about.
Like, I do orioke.
If you watch me, you know, when I do orioke, this is 1967 orioke.
I'm not going to change the way I do orioke.
I don't care whether there's a new official way it's done or not.
I'm doing the 1967 orioke.
So please forgive me if it's not, you know, the real way it's supposed to be done in 1998.
But I consider orioke, you know, to be the revenge of the Japanese for losing the Second World War.
And that they've licked it on us, you know, to get back at us.
I mean, it's a very sweet idea to, you know, to set out your goals and wash them and clean them.
You know, it's all part of the meal.
You know, it's a terrific concept.
But then all the fastidiousness of it and the exactingness of it, you know, is a little beyond me.
But I know 1967 orioke.
So anyway, these things keep changing even if you're at the Zen Center.
And it's just what somebody decided, you know.
And then partly it's just like, well, then we can all get along together and we can all go along with it.
And then it sort of makes things work.
But you see, I'm not actually interested in that.
You know, I have a little sitting group.
One night a week we meet.
And ten of us went down to Tassara.
Tassara this year had Sangha Week.
It was in May.
And you could go down and during Sangha Week, if you were a member of a Sangha someplace,
you could go for $50 a night instead of the usual $80 or $90 a night.
You got this special rate.
And then we had talks and lectures and meetings for people who were at Sangha Week.
So one morning we had introductions and people would say what their practice was.
And then they'd say something.
And then they'd say their name and which Sangha they were from.
Well, everybody else was from like the Santa Cruz Sangha.
And then my group, you know, my group, everybody in my group, all ten people,
they had a different name for my group.
This is how, what little form we have.
We don't even have a name for my group.
So some people said they were from Ed Brown's Sangha.
And then there was the Thursday Night Sangha.
And then there was Ed Brown's Thursday Night No Name Sangha.
And then there was the Teddy Bear Sangha.
And then there was the Sofa Sangha.
Because a lot of people in my group sit on sofas.
And they thought that then there was the Sofa Sangha.
And then one woman said,
I am from the two dogs bowing to one another Sangha.
And the next woman did it like that.
So she said, she was from the one cat Sangha.
And then the next person after that was from the dogs, cats and people Sangha.
So this is how little form that my group has.
They don't even have enough form to agree on the name.
You know, we've been doing my group for seven or eight or nine years.
I don't know how long.
We can't even think of a name.
And then people later were talking about the problems they have with their groups.
Like, what about raising money?
And what about burnout?
And, you know, getting people to do these jobs.
All these things.
And people in my group were kind of looking at each other.
What are they talking about?
Because we don't do any of those things.
We don't have any sender jobs.
We don't raise any money.
We don't publish a newsletter.
You know, we don't...
We're not paying for any space.
We rent a room at the Unitarian Church for $15 a week.
Because we get half price because my mom's a member there.
Otherwise it's $15 now and we'd have to pay $30 a week.
So we don't have any burnout and we're not, you know, trying to raise any money.
And then there was the whole question of forms.
How do you teach people the forms?
And so forth.
And then it seems like we don't have any of those problems.
We're formless.
But, you know, it turns out that actually formless, of course, is a form.
And some people don't like my group because it's so formless.
Some people get to my group and then they go like...
Whoa, isn't there something like way...
It's difficult for them. It's stressful.
And then my group also, they...
You know, if I'm giving a talk, then they interrupt me and they say,
Well, what about such and such?
They just speak right out, you see.
They don't wait for me to finish the talk.
So I worry sometimes about visitors.
You know, coming...
Like this week, somebody will be at my group in my place.
I wonder if my group will behave or, you know, what will happen.
So usually though, everybody seems to have had a good time.
You know, I hear later, Oh, we had a great time.
The people who have been there said, Oh, they're such good people.
And whatever, you know.
So anyway, that's one way to do it, you see.
And then...
But that's only for certain people
because some people, you see,
they're also different, right?
Some people want to have a forum
because if you're not doing something,
if you don't have a forum to focus on,
what will you do?
And then, you know, it's like...
Some people, like...
If you don't...
If you don't have all these sittings
and a very difficult schedule,
they'll feel like, Well, I'm not kidding you.
I need discipline.
I need...
I want structure.
You see?
So there are the people who like my group
because they don't want structure.
And then there are the people who come to my group
and they go like,
Well, there's not enough structure here.
I'm going someplace else.
And then they really like it at the Zen Center.
You know, and then some people get to the Zen Center
and there's still not enough structure.
You know, so then you go to
the Zen Mountain Monastery in Mount Tremor.
You want structure.
You know, that's even more structure.
That's where
there's somebody...
It's a big meditation hall
and there's somebody sitting on either side
looking down the row.
You know, the so-called monitor.
Besides the Zen teachers
sitting up at the front of the room,
there's a monitor on either side
and they look down the rows.
And then while you're sitting,
you know,
and you're just sitting
and then they say,
Stop fidgeting.
Didn't know I was fidgeting.
And then you hear,
Open your eyes.
Oh.
Well, let's see.
Straighten your neck.
And then they say,
Don't move.
See, so...
So if you're not getting enough structure,
you know, here or at the Zen Center,
you see, there is a place to go.
Even in this country.
You don't even have to go to Japan for that.
And they still walk around with big sticks, too.
You know, where...
They'll, you know,
at least every other period,
maybe not every period,
but at least every other period,
they walk around with a big stick
and you can kneel
and then they can hit you.
You know.
There's a nice,
formal way to do it, you know.
They tap you on the shoulder
and, you know,
get your head out of the way.
Wham.
Wham.
Yeah, wham.
And it's a...
That's very awakening.
When you get hit,
you will, you know,
whatever you've had on your mind
will drop away.
It's really quite terrific,
you know,
that way.
You realize, like,
how...
how true it is that,
you know,
you can be free of everything
because when you get hit,
it all just disappears.
And it takes you a while
to find things again.
You know,
to find you
or your body
or the world
or, you know,
remember what you were thinking about
or feeling
or, you know.
And then,
and then maybe the first thing you do
is like,
why the hell did they hit me?
And you're thinking
of one thing or another.
But anyway,
for an instant or so,
everything drops away.
There's this vast space
or whatever.
Pretty...
pretty nice.
But we stopped doing that
at the Zen Center
in San Francisco
mostly because
it was okay
when the Japanese teacher did
but when we started
hitting each other,
it got a little...
personal, you know.
Anyway,
so there is this whole,
you know,
there is a whole sort of range.
And it's always...
and the form is then
something that,
you know,
somebody decides
or some group of people
decides.
So I want to say, though,
a little bit about...
so while,
you know,
on one hand,
my group
happens to be rather
formless
because,
you know,
I don't even...
you know,
we do one chant
at my group
and it's a one syllable.
Ho.
Yeah. Ho.
Ho.
Did you say O or Ho?
Ho.
No, not Om.
It's Ho.
Ho is the Japanese word
for Dharma.
So we just do
one continuous Ho
for a couple minutes.
Ho...
and we just all Ho.
And then you hit the bell
to begin it
and you hit the bell
you know, after a couple of minutes, hit the bell at the end.
Then you don't have to think about, you know, what word is next, or...
And you can concentrate just on the quality of the sound, you know,
and joining into the sound,
and letting the sound resonate through you, and, you know,
receiving the sound, hearing the sound, making the sound,
and the sound resonates in your whole body,
can vibrate with Ho, and it's another way to let go of everything,
because your body, instead of holding on to what it was preoccupied with,
is now Ho-ing.
When you run out of breath, you join back, you inhale and join back in,
because not everybody's breathing at the same time.
So it's a continuous Ho sound, and you take turns breathing.
But you just continue Ho after you're done.
I'm very willing to go in that direction.
You want to try that?
For the next five days.
Just Ho.
Just Ho.
Is that right?
Yeah.
Just go with Ho.
So...
So we might, you know, we could try that a little bit,
but, you know, I also feel a little obligated to Steve, too.
To try some of these other things, too, you know.
So you get a range of experience.
Because, you know, at some point there's a question of,
well, you know, what's the important point?
Or, you know, what's the true spirit of practice?
What's the true spirit of Zen, or practicing Zen?
And so one of the ideas is,
whatever it is, throw yourself into it.
Whether it's Ho, or it's Kanzen, or Namu, Butsu, Yo, Butsu,
throw yourself into it.
Why is it that you throw yourself into some things
and not into other things?
And how do you decide?
You know, on what basis do you decide and do you know
which is more important, or which is more useful?
Or, you know, because you like it more, or you like it less?
And how do you make those decisions?
And how do you know what you like?
And how do you know to trust what you like or don't like?
And hasn't trusting what you like and don't like
gotten you into trouble all of your life?
And so, what about just whatever the next thing is on the schedule,
you know, the next event, the next thing,
throw yourself into it.
If it's time for sitting, you sit.
If it's time for walking, you walk.
Chanting, you chant.
So you don't have to, this is the power,
one of the power of form is,
nobody, no one person is deciding,
well, do the things I like and not the things I don't like.
And then, you know, it's just so, you get,
end up with this tradition,
and it comes from this whole body of people.
And then, you can practice throwing yourself into,
so-called throwing yourself into.
If you like something, you know,
there may be different ways to say that
than throwing yourself into it.
You could also, you know, practice enjoying your breath
or, you know, practice enjoying sitting
or you can practice finding yourself at home
in the present activity.
You know, there are other ways besides just throw yourself into it.
That's the kind of Japanese feeling, you know.
Gambate!
You know, or Geronimo.
Throw yourself into it.
Disappear, you know, do something so fully
that you disappear in the activity.
You disappear into the activity.
And you're not deciding,
well, I think I'll disappear into this one,
I'm not going to disappear into that one.
Because once you start doing that,
you won't be able to disappear into anything.
Because the way our life works is
you're either all the time disappearing into your activity,
all the time waiting like,
well, I'm not sure this is one I want to disappear into.
And by the time you decide,
it is one I want to disappear into,
you're so practiced at not being sure
whether to disappear into it,
how are you going to be able to do it?
You're so awkward at it now.
Because you spend so much time going like,
well, is this the one that's really worth disappearing into?
So, and then the other thing about it, of course,
the basic problem in Buddhism, as it's pointed out, is
even if once in a while there's something
you really can disappear into,
you know, you do art or music or, you know,
make love or something where you feel like
you can disappear into it,
you're not going to be able to do that all the time.
Sorry.
And you're not going to be able to organize your life
so you just have the things that are there
the next moment that, you know,
are something you feel good about disappearing into.
So how are you going to be able to be present
unless you just practice being present
with the next thing,
with the thing that's in this moment?
And so the forms are something that
you can just practice disappearing into.
Taking on that form just as a practice.
That's why we call it practice.
In one degree.
You disappear, you practice disappearing into the form.
And it's not something you pick out
or, you know, somebody else picks out.
It's just that, and so it's not,
it's not about, you know, whether the thing itself
exactly makes sense.
It's about practicing being present
and being able to take different shapes and forms
rather than just like,
well, I'll take this shape, but, you know, and form,
but I won't take that one and not, you know,
as long as I don't have to open my mouth, it's okay.
If I have to chant, I don't know.
And if you just keep deciding like that,
it's very hard to
disappear into much of anything.
Because then you always will be questioned.
This is a big problem.
It's kind of like,
is this moment worth being present for?
And if you have to decide,
the moment's gone by the time you decided
whether or not it's worth being present for.
So this is part of the sort of spirit of Zen is to,
however you want to say it, you know,
disappear, do something holy enough
that you disappear in the form of,
throw yourself into the activity
in such a way that you don't have to
disappear, you know, into something means
you're not busy thinking about
how well you're doing it or not doing it
or whether it's worth doing or not doing or
if you're doing it better than somebody else
or worse than somebody else.
Because you've disappeared into it
means you're not thinking about those things.
If you're thinking about those things,
you haven't disappeared into it.
If you're wondering, like,
is this worth disappearing into?
I'm doing it, I can't do this, other people can.
If you're comparing yourself,
if you're thinking about it,
this is not disappearing,
this is not doing something fully, so fully
that you disappear.
And obviously, you know,
there is a slight possibility that
you could do that fully enough
that you disappear into it.
But for most of us, it's pretty difficult.
That would be a good argument for a form.
For absolute form,
because then you would have no
decision to make,
you would just be taken by.
You couldn't do anything you would want to do.
That's right.
You don't think about what you want to do
or not want to do.
And so,
you know, there are various stages to practice.
It's one of the reasons to leave sense center at some point.
You can do what you want, finally.
Because,
and in fact, you know,
people who have been in Tushar for a while,
the days off are the most difficult and stressful
because you have such a habit of not
thinking or considering about what you want to do.
And then when it's the day off
and you have all this time,
where it's up to you what to do,
how do I do that now?
So people find that very difficult sometimes.
The form,
yeah, the form drops away?
Yes.
The form would drop away and you,
you know,
the real practice then at some point
is not so much about, you know, the form,
but about being embedded in your circumstances.
In the context of,
of the zendo,
it's the form of zazen,
but in the context of being with the person,
it's being with the person and hearing what they say
and, you know, responding to what they say
and because actually every moment of our life is a form.
There's some form.
Form isn't just, you know,
there's a formal form
or the forms in practice,
but then every moment there's some form.
You know, to have a feeling,
there's a particular feeling.
To have a thought, there's a particular thought.
To be with somebody, you're with somebody.
In various circumstances,
each circumstance has its form.
So if you're going to pick and choose about forms,
you won't, you know,
you will be willing to be in some forms and not in others.
So in that sense also,
the idea of practice, you know,
it's often said,
if when you finish practicing the meditation at all
and you don't want to go back to your life,
now you're sticking to the form
of the zendo
or you're, you know,
sometimes they say
that's being sticking to emptiness
because you don't want to take on the form of, you know,
traffic and,
and business
and meeting people and doing stuff
and you don't want to be involved in that form.
You want this other simple form here
because you feel like,
oh, yeah, I can do this form.
What's that other stuff?
Oh, you know, that's too worldly.
So you think, like,
I'm not going to get involved in those forms.
And then, you know,
so that's some, you know,
good practice too
to be, to go into those forms.
You let go of those forms,
you know,
because we have the limitations of a whole lifetime
of how we get involved in them.
So you can kind of separate yourself
from the forms of your life
and do something simple here
in simple forms,
basically simple forms.
It's not so complicated
as having to talk to people, for instance.
You know, to be silent.
How long am I supposed to talk?
Now.
Isn't it about to end?
Yes, it is.
Yeah.
Stick to the form.
Well.
I do want to say,
I guess I'll mention one other thing.
I want to bring up for you the,
you know, this insane
all of you have reached
the top of a hundred-foot pole.
You're familiar with this thing?
It's a kind of koan, you know.
All of you have reached the top of a hundred-foot pole,
now it's time to jump off.
In practice, in some ways,
it's about jumping off a hundred-foot pole.
One way, and the hundred-foot pole is
something to do with
who, how you,
you know, who you are now
and what you believe
and how you understand things
and what the world is like.
Can you trust people?
Can you trust the world?
Are people supportive?
Are they not supportive?
Is there anything you can depend on?
And, you know, all of us have come to some conclusion,
do people like you?
What kind of person are you?
Are you shy?
Are you angry?
Do you have some problems?
How do you know that?
What's the evidence?
And mostly, you know, we decide
in a pretty young age, you know,
we get the answers to all these things
at a pretty young age
and then we try to,
you know, not to notice anything
that would change our mind.
Because it would be
rather painful and embarrassing to admit
that maybe we're wrong about something
than you believe for 30 or 40 or 60 years.
So, you know, if you decided pretty early on
I'm not very likable,
then you can look around
and somebody seems to like you.
Well, they just like everybody.
It doesn't count.
They're just pretending.
They just are like
acting like they like me
doesn't mean they really like me.
They just don't know me well enough.
If they knew me better,
they would realize what there was not to like.
So no matter what happens,
basically you can go on thinking
people don't like me.
And the example of the contrary,
you can rationalize why
that's actually not true.
And actually, you know, Zen says,
you know, whether you say
leap off the pole
or you say
produce a thought
which is unsupported by any evidence.
So, for instance,
the thought that you're also
that you are an ordinary being
and you're a Buddha
or you're already enlightened.
Is there any evidence for that?
Do you have a lot of evidence
that you're already enlightened?
See, most of us we have,
like, well, I don't have any evidence for that.
But actually you will refuse
to look at any evidence
that doesn't support
what you already believe.
I'm an ignorant, deluded, sentient being.
So one way or another,
you know, either you have to
leap off the pole
or produce a thought
unsupported by sight, sound,
smells, taste, touch, Dharma,
unsupported by Dharma,
unsupported by no Dharma.
You know, it's an unsupported thought
that people like you
or that you're Buddha
or that you're enlightened.
There's no evidence for any of this.
But you think,
oh, I've got the evidence
and then you keep looking at things.
You know, we keep looking at things
and we find the evidence
for what we already believe
and we discount the evidence
that would change our belief.
So this is also part of the power of form.
You know, form is a way
to leap off the pole
because you can get out there
and involve in something
in a way that
the world is different.
When you involve yourself
immediately
physically and, you know,
powerfully
in the experience
in the moment,
the world is different.
It's a different world.
You're a different person.
But all the time
you're going where you ain't been.
But this seems like
where I've been before
and if it doesn't seem like
where I've been before,
I will make it that way.
Yeah, but this is exactly right.
This is a question, you know,
which is which.
It does seem like,
you know, so both are true.
And then at some point
it's a matter of language.
You know, how do you get outside then?
How do you get out
of your own language?
Out of your own description?
Is your life as it's been
and it seems like,
it seems like,
you know, it's within some parameters.
It seems like, in fact,
you're saying like,
well, yeah, I'm,
it feels to me like
I'm on the top
of a hundred foot pole.
It doesn't feel like
the teaching is everywhere.
I need to jump off.
And yet,
to be on the top
of a hundred foot pole
is also,
you know,
is also in the midst
of some vast reality
that the teaching
circulated freely,
but I'm viewing it
or experiencing it
as though it's the top
of a hundred foot pole.
So for this reason
actually, Siddharisha said,
the pole goes infinitely down
and infinitely up.
But anyway,
this is,
this is, you know,
the challenge for us,
in fact.
To,
to have some sense
of
the essential teaching,
you know, is freely available.
The real way
circulates everywhere,
everywhere.
And yet,
I'm experiencing it
as though,
I'm experiencing my life
as though I'm the same person
and I'm stuck
or I'm this or I'm that.
Why do we keep
seeing it that way?
Can we have,
you know,
can we let go of our belief
long enough
to
and be
Good morning.
Good morning.
How's life
on the slow lane?
On the slow lane?
Yeah, on the slow lane.
Isn't this the slow lane?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, as opposed to racing around
here and there,
getting things done.
I don't know,
it feels pretty racy.
It feels pretty racy?
Yeah.
Maybe you should go to
like a Zen center.
People have been
telling me that
for years now.
They say,
well, if we didn't know you,
we'd suggest you
go to a Zen monastery.
But you've already
tried that.
Well,
life is interesting,
isn't it?
I have to,
I don't have to,
but I'm going to
compose myself
to see which,
you know,
decide, you know,
which personality
to
bequeath you with
this morning
to share with you.
I discovered,
this is reminding me,
you see,
I discovered recently
that I have actually
a hard time
being an authority.
But I recently discovered,
you know,
how to do it.
So I'm going to
give you an example.
You see,
partly it's the back
of your neck,
you know.
If you
bend your head
back a little bit,
this is
how you
kind of
shut yourself down
before this can.
And it's a way to,
like,
you know,
sabotage
your own power.
And when you
lengthen the back
of your neck,
see,
so here,
I'll give you an example.
Here's my copy.
I didn't get any copy yet.
I was busy in
high-level discussions,
which I'm going to
tell you about.
Thank you.
So,
I've been realizing,
for instance,
you see,
you know,
the way that Buddhism
works,
Buddhism is not about
actually doing
something Buddhist.
You do understand this,
right?
We're not trying to
become good Buddhists,
we're trying to become
ourselves,
or realize ourselves,
or awaken,
you know,
ourselves.
Now that's different
than being a good Buddhist.
If you were going to
be a good Buddhist,
then you would
try to do
the Buddhist thing.
So,
you know,
if you are sitting
across from somebody
and then you think of,
what's the Buddhist
thing to say?
Oh, good morning!
Maybe that's a good
Buddhist thing,
and then,
you know,
you would have to be
careful, like,
probably, like,
not to get angry,
or, you know,
say kind words,
and, you know,
you could go through
the various lists
and try to come up
with the Buddhist
behavior,
and then you could
try to do the
Buddhist stuff
rather than you.
You see,
so there's
some use to this.
This is like
a form, right?
You could
try out forms.
But in the long run,
we're not trying,
we're not aiming
to become good Buddhists,
we're aiming to become
you yourself.
Right?
So,
the way you do that is,
first of all,
you have to notice, like,
what you do do.
And that the way
you're doing stuff
and that the way
things occur in your life,
that's you doing it.
So, for instance,
there's a difference between
I was overcome
with anger.
Did you do that?
Well, in a certain sense,
you did.
You set up yourself
in a way that
you never get angry,
and so if you get angry,
you describe it as
I was overcome
with anger.
And I was defenseless
or I was powerless,
you know,
with the anger.
And you don't exactly
take responsibility for it,
then you, you know,
you slip aside
from the responsibility.
When you say,
I was overcome with anger.
Or, you know,
if you get angry
and then you say,
don't talk to me like that,
like,
like that's your fault,
you know,
you know,
or somebody,
you hear all the time
people saying,
you made me angry.
You make me angry.
You make me mad,
you know,
you this, you that.
And like,
you're the victim
of the way other people
are behaving.
How other people behave,
then you get victimized by it.
You make me sad,
you know,
or you do this,
or you do that.
I'm scared of you.
So we,
we create,
we do things
in a certain way.
So you have to notice
how it is you do do it
in order, like,
to realize you have a choice
about doing it differently.
If you're not,
if you're not acknowledging
how you do it
in the first place,
how can you do it differently?
This is true,
whether it's Buddhism
or psychology,
you know,
in psychology you say,
if you,
you don't let go of something
without acknowledging it.
If you,
if you let go,
if you try to let go of something
without acknowledging it,
that's called repression.
So,
actually in order to,
for your life to change,
you have to take responsibility
for the way that you're doing it.
So,
this means that
unfortunately you have to acknowledge,
like,
how judgmental you are
and notice,
and one way,
you know,
so all the things that happen
in Buddhism,
if you,
when you take responsibility for it,
and you realize,
this is the way I do it,
oh,
I judge a lot,
or I think a lot about
right and wrong,
or how well I'm doing,
or how poorly,
or how much better they are
than I am,
or how much I'm,
I can't sit as well
as they can sit,
I'm not getting anywhere,
I'm getting somewhere.
Oh,
so this is what I do,
I spend a lot of time
with this stuff.
Or,
I get sad,
or I get lonely,
or I get angry,
or I'm afraid,
or,
you know,
so what is it
that happens to you?
Okay?
And we're not just trying
to organize
all the circumstances
of our life,
it's not actually
Buddhism to try
to organize the circumstances
of your life
so you always just have
the nice experiences
that you want to have.
That's called control.
And the more you try
to control things,
as you know,
it doesn't work very well,
does it?
So we're trying to shift
from control
to compassion.
Compassion is
receive the way things are.
Listen deeply
to the way things are,
and notice
the way things are
without judging.
Compassion is very similar
to mindfulness.
Basic,
you know,
most powerful practice
in Buddhism
is mindfulness.
Mindfulness is
to be aware
without judging,
without criticizing,
without trying to fix it,
without trying to change it.
And we do that so rarely.
Because usually
as soon as we're aware
of something,
so basic practice
of zazen
is can you be aware
of something
without trying to
improve it,
fix it,
change it,
you know.
You don't keep
fiddling with it.
I'm going to make it better.
I'm going to have
a more enlightened
experience.
It will be more Buddhist
in the future.
It will be more profound.
It will be deeper.
It will be calmer.
It will be more beautiful
and magnificent,
etc.
I'll improve it.
So as soon as you have
that kind of idea
when you're aware
of something,
how does that make you feel?
Usually not very good.
Somebody is,
you know,
not happy.
And here are your eyes
giving you things to see
and your nose
giving you things to smell
and your ears
giving you things to hear
and your mind
is giving you thoughts
and feelings
and then you say,
but they're not good enough.
And pretty soon,
you know,
then you can be depressed
or whatever
because you started out
saying,
well, they're not good enough
and you need to come up
with something better
and if you tell yourself
after a while
your mind will stop
giving you stuff.
Because everything
life gives you
you say,
oh, well,
it's not good enough.
And pretty soon,
of course,
you know,
there's no separation here.
You're not good enough.
So basic practice is
can you experience
anything going on
in your life
where it's good enough?
Or as, you know,
we say around Zen Center
because it's something
to look at,
everything is perfect
the way it is.
So, you know,
this is a problem, right?
This is,
this is why
in the,
you know,
last night
I mentioned to you
in the Fukan Suzuki
Dogen says,
the real way
circulates everywhere.
No, but you want
to improve it.
Already.
You know, right away.
And then when we say
the real, you know,
when we say
everything is perfect
the way it is,
the second part is
but there's room
for improvement.
Or and there's
room for improvement.
You know,
it doesn't,
one is not
contradictory
to the other.
Anyway,
basic,
so basic sensibility
of Buddhism
is mindfulness
and compassion.
To be aware
without judging,
without fixing,
without improving,
you know,
without trying to make it better
and to receive that,
you know,
with your heart.
Let your experience
come home to your heart.
When you describe it
in terms of mindfulness
you don't say,
you just say
to be aware
without judging.
If you're talking
compassion,
now your heart
gets in there.
Because compassion
has to do with
something that touches
your heart.
You receive it
with your heart.
So compassion
hears
all the cries
and the whispers
and the pains
and the difficulties
and the sorrows
as well as,
you know,
the joys and happiness.
That's compassion.
And you see,
that's how different
that is from control.
Control means
I want it this way,
I don't want it that way.
It needs to be better.
It's not different.
So this is a big
shift for most of us.
You know,
from control
to compassion.
You know,
from,
you know,
trying to fix
and improve
to just being mindful.
And then,
your life can change.
Because you notice
how you do it.
You know,
if you don't acknowledge,
when we don't acknowledge
how judgmental we are,
how can you stop
being judgmental?
You don't realize
like how you do it.
So when you realize
how you do do it,
then you can
not do it.
Then you realize
like I'm doing this,
I can do something else.
Then you actually
have choice.
Choice comes out
of your awareness.
Choice is,
you know,
because you're aware
of what happens,
then you notice
you have choice.
Without,
without noticing
you know,
what it is you're doing
and you try to have choice,
then you,
you know,
as I say,
then you call that
repression
or,
you know,
coercion.
You're going to do this
and you're not going
to do that.
You will be aware
and,
you know,
you try to tell yourself
to be mindful
and not do the other things
so then you can have
denial about doing
the other things
that aren't the right
Buddhist things to do.
You can try not
to notice them.
You know,
that would be a way
to not notice
what you,
you know,
how you have,
you know,
the kinds of problems
you have
or the ways
that you do things
would be a way
that you could,
you know,
over time,
you know,
it would be a nice way
to kind of fool yourself
or hide from yourself
the way you do it
in order to make yourself
look good,
at least to yourself
and then,
of course,
you can wonder,
like,
why don't you look better
to other people?
They don't seem
to acknowledge
how good you look
to yourself.
You know,
they don't see it
that way too.
Anyway.
So this is to say
something about,
you know,
how change occurs
and this is basic
Buddhism.
Now,
I always mention
all this to you.
Actually,
this is just
a background ride too.
I started to explain
to you,
you know,
recently I've been
noticing,
like,
people were saying
to me,
what?
What did you say?
See,
now,
when I get in
a lecture situation
like this,
I feel a lot
of permission
and I feel like,
well,
you must be here
to hear what I have
to say
and it's on the schedule
and you've invited me
to give a talk
so then I go ahead
and talk.
But a lot of the time,
otherwise people say,
I'm going around
and then I find myself
in a lot of situations
where people say,
what?
What did you say?
And I realize
the reason that,
the reason for that
is because
I actually have
an underlying belief
nobody wants to hear
what I have to say.
It's like,
you know,
and then
that's the reason
That sort of thing
is very old, right?
When did I decide that?
Then how often
did you hear,
nobody wants to hear
what you have to say,
young man.
Or,
keep it to yourself.
Or,
if you can't,
you know,
say something nice,
don't say it.
When you're ready
to be social,
you can come out
of your room.
When I was about four,
I was living
in an apartment
in an orphanage
and then the woman
said to me,
if you say that
one more time,
you know,
you're going to
wash your mouth out
with soap.
So,
I said the wrong thing
one more time.
I don't even remember
what it was.
It was probably
some,
you know,
swear.
What do you call
those words?
Profanity.
Some kind of profanity,
obscenity.
And I didn't know
what it was
and then,
so,
sure enough,
I can still remember,
you know,
having my mouth
washed out with soap.
I had no idea
it would be as bad
as it was.
And then the taste
stays,
the taste of the soap
stays in your mouth
for a long time
after.
So,
I remembered that
for a while.
So,
I'm,
I have a whole,
you know,
so I decided,
you know,
and most of us,
we decide
in various ways
and for various reasons.
You know,
basically,
it's a kind of survival.
You know,
how to behave
so that we get
accepted
and cared for
and included
in the situation
we're in
growing up.
And then,
when you get,
when we get to be adults,
now that's called,
you know,
a prison.
It's a limitation.
It's a way of being
that was,
you know,
useful for
some period
of your life
and now it's not
but you don't know
how to,
we don't know
how to do it
any differently.
But the way
to do it differently
is not just,
to go out
and do it differently.
You can try
but actually
you end up
being caught by
all the same things
unless you have
some pretty clear
insight
or experience
of what it is
you do.
So here I am
saying,
nobody,
to myself,
nobody wants
to hear
what I have to say
and then
the way
it comes out is
people say,
what was that?
And then
they're actually
being interested
in what I have to say
but I'm still
believing
they don't really
want to hear
what I have to say.
So a couple
weeks ago
I decided
to change
the way
I was talking
and let people
know
what was on
my mind.
It was
a whole
different
persona
that went
along with it.
Now everybody
gets to hear
what I have to say
whether they
want to or not.
How's that?
And now I notice
when I do that,
see what happens
to my body?
My chest lifts up
and then the back
of my neck gets long
and that's just like
sitting Zazen.
Uh oh.
And you want to know
like why people
don't sit up
and Zazen?
You're taking on
a bunch of stuff.
You're a different
person as soon as
you sit up
And it may be
that people
you know
and then
a lot of us
like me
like
if anybody
like else
was to behave
like this
I would think
you know
that arrogant
ass.
Where do they
get off thinking
they're so important
and profound
and deep
and you know
what do they think
I really want to
hear what they
have to say
or are they
kidding me?
And actually
the fact that
nobody wants to
hear what I
have to say
is very similar
to the fact that
I don't really
want to hear
what anybody
else has to say
either.
It's all of a piece.
So if you catch me
you know
shifting over
into my
this is my
Zen Masterly
voice actually
the voice of authority
this is someone
who knows
what's what
anyway
excuse me
I'm going to
revert to
my more typical
and then the
more you
take a
you know
so
you know
how you
organize yourself
and express
yourself
and how
your body
is
you know
you create
the whole
world
and
this is not
you know
this is not
you know
something esoteric.
So first of all
I want to tell you
I brought my
Fuukan Suzuki
in here
but I don't think
we're actually
going to get to
the Fuukan Suzuki
this lecture
I'll have to
come back to
tonight
but I want to
talk to you
a little bit
about a couple
things now
first of all
walking meditation
and you know
there's a form
called Shashu
there are
certain forms
that I really
you know
think are useful
so
this one
I mean
there's things about it
that are maybe
not so great
but there's other
things that are
pretty useful
and important
so in Shashu
you put your
thumb in your
left hand
and you put
your right hand
over it
and then
your hand
your hand is
straight out
off your wrist
psychologically
if you
you know
if you do this
with your hand
that's a way
to do no
and if you move
your hand this way
that's a way
to do yes
what am I good
at doing?
I'm good
at no
and not so good
at yes
and
this way I'm good
at no
and actually
this is also
you know
if you do this
this is no
right?
that's what the
policeman does
no
stop
right?
and
I have that
very hard
so
and
you know
if you're going
to
so here's an
example like
is it possible
for you to say
yes
and no
or do you want
to just do one?
and actually
see
if you're going to have
so called liberation
you would want
to be able to say
yes
and no
and
actually
if you stick
to yes or no
you know
then you're sticking
to something
if you stick
all the time
to yes
I'm just going
to go along
with this
yes
I will
actually
you end up
being passive aggressive
and if you say
no
all the time
how are you ever
going to say yes?
and feeling
you know
saying no all the time
isn't
you know
making you happy
so
to do one
or the other
and
the thing is
you know
we tend to have
a habit of saying
yes or no
and not either one
so anyway
Shastu
your hand
is directly in line
with your wrist
it's not this way
and it's not
you know
that way
so
that means
you know
in order to do that
have your hands
directly in line
with your wrist
you know
you have to have
your arms then
your arms are
you know
going so that
your hands can be
directly in line
with your wrist
and now your
elbows are away
from your sides
the sides of your body
you know
there's various things
about the sides of your body
but the sides of your body
for one thing
are your planks
and it's so
it's like
that's an area where
you know
we're not so likely
to expose ourselves
you don't want to
leave your planks exposed
you can get attacked
okay
you know
you're ready
to defend yourself
against some stuff
in front of you
but you know
to your side
or your back
it's like well
I better keep my
elbows in here
and we're used to that
you see
keeping our elbows
on our sides
but the other thing
about the sides though
is this is where
you connect
or shut yourself off
from other people
so
part of the feeling
part of the reason
why when you
pick your elbows
up from your sides
part of the reason
why you feel
vulnerable and exposed
is
other people are there
now
is that
vulnerable and exposed
or is that
are you supported
by other people
who are those
other people
you know
are you going to
connect with them
or are you going to
be apart from them
do you think it's
really possible
to be apart from them
if you have your
elbows to your sides
it means
you're with them
but actually
you don't trust them
and you're already
must be connected
with them
and you must know
they're there
and that you need
to defend yourself
against them
so already you're
connected with them
you're just saying
yeah I'm connected
and they're there
but I don't trust them
so I better protect
my planks
I better keep
my elbows here
and I'll tell you
when I first started
having my elbows
away from my sides
I felt terribly afraid
so anyway
Shashu
if you study this
you know
your hands
directly in line
with your arms
and to do that
your elbows
have to come away
from your sides
and you can also
then turn
the little finger
side of your hand
you know
a little bit away
from you
that even brings
your elbows
out a little bit more
this
you know
in order to do this
and
you know
there are two
there's always
you know
with whatever form
there's two
sides
to
form
one is
are you going to go around
doing this so that
you're doing it right
and not experiencing
anything
and you
muscle
you do it by muscle
or can you do this
with some
you know
to do it with muscle
you do it like this
you see the difference
this is muscle
and then this is
you have some
relaxed feeling
about doing it
so actually
in Soto Zen
we're trying to
you know
the Soto way
in Zen is
formal practice
with informal mind
so
in order to do this
you don't have to
make your mind like
you don't have to
make your mind
as stiff
as the posture
you have
your mind can be
soft
even though
your posture is
a certain form
and you
you will notice
actually
something about your
sides
and this is also
you know
you're very balanced
part of your being
balanced
is your hands
are
your hands aren't
going this way
or this way
and you'll have
some composure
because
you know
of the posture
and then when you
walk
I don't know how
you're doing it
but you seem to be
going really fast
because traditionally
you take one step
with each breath
are you doing one step
with each breath?
or do you just walk?
because traditionally
you take one step
with each breath
as you inhale
you step
as you exhale
you shift your weight
inhale
step
exhale
shift your weight
so it's actually
fairly slow
and
most of us
don't do this anymore
we sort of cheat it
because everybody
wants to get someplace
even for this walking
meditation
but traditionally
actually you only step
you know
half a foot
length
ahead of the other step
you know so that
your
your front foot
the toes of your
other foot
are opposite
you know the inset
the arch
of the front foot
and then when you step
you know now
your
the arch is up
to these toes
over the years
this seems to have
fallen by the by
I mean when I'm
at Zen Center
and I look around
I don't see anybody
doing this
you know
these little short steps
so
I've taken
to taking
you know somewhat
bigger steps
but generally
and here
I've been taking
extra steps
so I can give you
all the people
you know like
speeding up on me
give them some
you know room
I feel like
maybe I better get over
this slope
but anyway
aside from how big
that step is
I'd like to formalize
it in the sense of
you know take one breath
with each step
and half a step
we could try it out
but I'll
so the next walking period
let's do that
and I'll remind you
we're going to do that
we'll try doing half a step
in each breath
and then maybe we can try
anyway doing
a step with a breath
regardless of how long
the step is
but it is traditional
that you
you do organize yourself
so you have an even amount
of space behind you
and in front of you
but here
that's hard for me
to gauge
if I'm walking down
and I'm in here
and I don't get to see
where they are behind me
and then it's not exactly
light in the window
anyway
when you're walking
and you're doing
walking meditation
part of the idea
of walking meditation is
can you
put your awareness
in your feet
okay
so
awareness in your feet
like you can do
you know
like now
if you take your awareness
and you can put your awareness
in your feet
you know
what do your feet feel like
can you feel your feet
and then
when your awareness
comes away from your feet
where does it go
or you can take your awareness
and have it in your hands
and then
and then
let go of your hands
and your awareness
has a place
where it tends to go
usually it's somewhere
in the head
okay so
this is another
emphasis of Zen
practice of course
is that
can you have some awareness
someplace besides your head
and traditionally
you know we say
settle the self
on the self
this is
you know Zen
to have your awareness
in your body
instead of in your head
so walking
especially in walking
you
awareness in your feet
and this is not
just
you know your body
is an expression
of consciousness
and again
we've all organized
our bodies
you know
our bodies
are organized
around our beliefs
so in your life
you get support
in your life
can you
do you trust the world
what do you think it is
when you walk
you know
you either get support
or you don't
or you get
you know less support
or you have
more support
on the left side
less support
on the right side
and so
when you walk
you're actually
practicing
this is about
not just your awareness
in your feet
but
how is it that
you know
your feet can support you
the ground
supports your feet
you can trust
your feet
you can trust
the ground
you can trust
your feet
to hold you up
you can trust
the ground
to support your feet
this is about
support
and trust
and
you know
being grounded
and this is
and this is support
in every
you know
place in your life
you know
do other people
support you
does the world
support you
do you have
income
you know
this is
this is like
everything
and you can
study that
you know
walking
so
you know
one way to do it
you know
if you're being
mindful
it's like
well just to
notice
how do your feet
touch the ground
how does
your
you know
how do your feet
receive your weight
you know
does
you know
are you
are you letting
the ground
support your foot
or what is it
that you do
when you step
this is one of the reasons
why this walk
is
as slow
as it is
because
if you take
a normal step
in the normal way
you will not
notice
as you normally
do not notice
any of this
you will just say
well the world
doesn't support me
you know
and people
don't support me
I don't trust
and
they're not trustworthy
and it's their fault
and they
you know
they did
and they
they should be bad
but it's how
you've organized
it too
and the world
will
take its
clues
in how you
organize
itself
and
so
it's something
as simple
as this walking
you know
if you
start to
experience
your feet
you know
the view
changes
the world
changes
because
you experience
your feet
and over time
you know
where your foot
you know
contacts the ground
and doesn't contact
the ground
as you study it
it starts to change
and it doesn't change
because you know
the way to do it
if anything
it changes
because of
some aesthetic
you have
or some wish
you have
you know
I want to
I want to know
how it feels
for the foot
or the ground
to support me
and you can study
like what
you know
is a really
pleasing
you know
satisfying
you know
uplifting
energizing
happy
way
for your foot
to contact
the ground
and that doesn't
mean you
you can do it
like that
every time
or you're
going to
impose that
on yourself
but that's
kind of the direction
of actually
just feeling your way
as you step
how does that work
well I probably
got to the end
of my talk now
what time is it
is it over
no
what time does it end
ten minutes
oh I have ten minutes
ok now we get to
now we get to the
lead of the talk
you thought that
was the lead of the talk
well
I must say
that
I didn't realize
when I came here
that I was
coming into the
you know
the forefront of
Zen in America
the cutting edge
of Zen in America
and
you know
to start with
I heard that
you know
some of the
chants have changed
because Taigen
somehow Taigen
got blamed
for a lot of these
changes
well
now it turns out
then I
you know
the further
thing about this
is that actually
the Soto school
had a big meeting
the Soto headquarters
with somebody
and the translation
project
and there was
actually a lot of
people involved
and they thought
it would be a good
idea for everybody
in North America
to be doing
the same chants
so you could go
anywhere you wanted
in North America
and be at home
and know the chants
and I
you know
personally feel like
heck with that
you know
so anyway
I thought
you know
rather than
so
what I did
in this regard
like
Taigen
as far as I know
is communicado
right
I have no idea
what Taigen's wishes
are in this
and of course
I want to be
a good guest
and
you know
do what my host
Tess
you know
is asking
so
but not having my hostess
to talk to
and
and not having to
talk with her about
you know
before this
before I got here
you see
I'm in an awkward
position you know
so
I called up
a friend of mine
I called up
a friend of mine
at the
Zen Center headquarters
in San Francisco
this is a woman
who's on the Zen Center
board of directors
which by the way
I'm presently
chairman of the
Zen Center board
I don't think
you knew that
in ways you may not
have imagined
I really am somebody
you know
that joke
it was originally
a Jewish joke
but I changed it
to a Zen joke
you know about
the Zen master
who used to come
into the meditation hall
and bow in front of the altar
and say
I am nobody
I am nobody
you know that joke
no
some of you don't
all right
I get the joke
so the Zen master
would bow and go
I am nobody
I am nobody
and every time
he would bow
I am nobody
I am nobody
so this one time
you know
I don't know
if you do it here
but you know
at the big centers
you know
there's somebody
who's like
everyday assigned
to clean the meditation hall
and they do it
most of the day
called the Jikido
so the Jikido
one day
is cleaning in there
and then the
Zen master
with the attendant
leaves
there's an attendant
with the Zen master
and they leave
and then the Zen master
realizes
he forgot something
you know
like his little stick
or something
you know
little stick
this by the way
is
a back scratcher
this is known as
a Katsu
or
Nyori
Nyori
and it's
a free mind
or the mind
that reaches everywhere
the mind that reaches
everywhere
so that's why
it's like a back scratcher
because you
reach everywhere
so it is
you know
if you think
it looks like a back scratcher
anyway
the Zen master
comes back to get
you know
what he's left behind
in the meditation hall
and there's the Jikido
at the bowing mat
you know
bowing
he thinks like
that was so good
with the Zen master
and I think
I'll do that too
and he's bowing
like I am nobody
I am nobody
I am nobody
and the Zen master
turns to the attendant
and says
look who thinks
he's nobody
but anyway
so I called up
my friend
Mary
and I said
Mary is
was at the Berkley Zen Center
for a long time
and she's appraised
and she's been
she's so attached to her
and
she's been head
recently she was head
of the
in fact I think
she is now
head of the Zen Do
at the San Francisco
Zen Center
huh?
Mary must sing
so I thought
what a good person
to talk to
and
formerly
a labor lawyer
so I thought
what a good person
to call
you know
because we've got
the
you know
the Zen expertise
and the legal mind
you know
to help us
sort this out
and I figured like
she would be a good person
to ask
so I said
Mary
what is the story here
I've
I've gotten
to Evanston
Illinois
and they're
at the cutting edge
of Soto Zen
you know
doing
you know
the approved
chance
I said
I've never heard of this
before
how long has this been
going on
and when did it happen
and is it true
we're all supposed to be
doing this
and she said
no no
it's just
things to try out
and eventually
you know
they want to come up
with a way to do it
so it wasn't
nearly the sort of thing
I had
had the feeling of
we must conform
to the latest
in the Soto Zen way
so that anybody
who comes here
will know the chance
and the right chance
to do it
so
so I felt
a little liberty here
you know
personally
to discuss this
with you
you know
and at first
I thought
hmm
well why don't
we convene
a meeting
of the important
people
within the group
you know
the decision
makers
to arrive
at what we
want to do
and I was
informed
that actually
everybody
in this
group
is important
so here
we are
you know
with all the
important people
in the group
with the chance
to decide
for the time
that I'm here
which the heck
form we want
to chant
for these
different things
now there's
certain things
that I want to
do a certain
way
you know
and that I'm
willing to go
along with
creating new
forms like
I love having
all these bells
and you know
having you know
an eye walking
you're all supposed
to be in here
by the end of the
second round
with the
hon or the bell
you know
and then the
third round
I come in
you know
you know
having the
you know
you know
being in this
position where
I come in last
you know
and people are
all waiting
and you know
whatever
anyway
I kind of
like that form
and personally
I think it's
good for you
I do I feel
so much better
now
but anyway
we already
decided
like this
morning
we're going
I really like that
old rope chant
you know
great rope of
liberation
and this other one
like to heck with that
like so I don't
want to do that one
you know
and
I was just down
in Tassajara
in Tassajara
they're not doing
any of these
chants
so I don't know
where does this
stuff come from
you know
whose idea
was it
so
now
you haven't
gotten it
from Mary
you know
these are just
things for you
to try out
okay
so I figured
you've had a chance
to try them out
you know
for a while
and now we can
decide like
well what do we
want to do
for the next
three or four days
and then you can
have the same
discussion
you know
your Aghast
leader will
return
you know
from the latest
in training
in California
you know
at the edge
of America
you know
receiving the
true Zen
from Yvonne Rand
or whatever
and you can
discuss this
have the same
discussion
or a different
one you know
with her
you know
and you can
rattle it out
you know
you didn't
realize
that Zen in
America
has this whole
you know
part of it
which is
you know
class struggle
or you know
struggle
you know
what do you
call it in
China
you know
like struggle
perseverance
perseverance
furthers
you know
that sort of
thing you know
struggle
furthers
you know
and you
didn't realize
that you
would have to
go through
this stuff
but you see
it's all part
of growing up
in Zen
in America
so
I'm for
you know
doing the
road
like we
have decided
great road
of liberation
that new one
you know
I personally
don't want to
wrap myself up
in the Buddhist
robe
I think
that's a
bad idea
you know
like wrapping
yourself up
in the flag
there's too
many bad
connotations
of wrapping
or wrapping
yourself up
like a
present
or you know
being too
wrapped
so wrapped
up in
you know
how to
practice
that you
forget how
to be
in being
and just
kind of like
a friendly
person
so I
don't want
to get
wrapped up
in you
know
my Buddhist
robe
I'd like
to just
wear it
so I
think we
settled that
one
now
I also
want to
talk to you
a little bit
about the
meal time
so now
is this the
chant you've
been doing
all along
or which
chant?
I mean
the new
translation
this is the
new translation
we threw away
the old one
we did
alright so we're
stuck with the
new one
okay so
alright I'm
willing to
do the new
one
well we'll
have to wait
and see what
we have
but do you
have a preference
about the meal
chant whether
you want to
go and try it
out
I like the
new translation
where it
explains each
of the
bodhisattvas
it didn't do that
before?
no
it doesn't
really
it doesn't
give the
clear
but now
we always
used to do
homage
what happened
to the
homage?
homage
huh?
this one
this says
evoke
no you
don't evoke
you invoke
invoke
well maybe
you evoke
we could evoke
we could
and then you
did homage
to each
one
yeah
homage
to
homage
to
yeah
yeah
that was
terrific
but anyway
I'm willing
to do this
but you know
I can't
I mean I
have to look
at the sheet
so I was
saying to
Liz
like normally
after the
first line
of homage
to the
dharmakaya
vairochana
buddha
the
there's a
clacker at the
end of that line
and on that
clacker you know
servers come in
and start serving
but it's really
awkward for the
servers to come
in and serve
that if nobody
knows the
chant
and you're
trying to
hold the
chant cards
bow
and pick up
your bowl
and be served
and the
chant card
and put the
chant card
down and
this and
you know
how can you
do everything
if you don't
know it
so
huh
so I
thought
if we're not
going to know
the chant
then it's
probably better
to wait
until we
finish all
that chanting
and then
have the
serving of
the food
served
but anyway
let's wait
let's do
this one more
let's do this
at least at
lunch the new
version and
you can check
out and see
if you have
old versions and
if we can make
them available
and we'll have
a new decision
about it
okay
anyway
I don't know
why you got to
say that in the
first place
because it's
always been
just the
leader
all right
but it
it's
it always
used to be
may we exist
in muddy water
with purity like
a lotus
it was so
it was so
pure and
simple and
poetic
and then what's
with this new
thing
anyway
I'm not
you know so
I'm having to
restrain myself
and you know
go along with
the program
and I