Which doesn't mean there isn't relationship. Relationship is wonderful. But if there's any attachment, that's a problem. So the teacher is always letting go. Continuously letting go. But at the same time, including everyone who wants to pass through. But if someone wants to practice and is sincere, then a teacher will help that person abundantly.

[01:02]

This is not exactly what I was going to talk about, but you know. I was going to talk about renunciation. Renunciation we tend to think of as giving up sex, giving up family and going to a monastery and all this. But actually renunciation, true renunciation, takes place on many different levels, many levels. Basically, it means letting go of itself. letting go of selfhood, basically.

[02:04]

So we don't usually tend to think of ourselves as renunciate or as renouncing. But when you become angry, you may not like it. and it may give you a problem, and then you think, why did I get so angry? Or, I would rather not be so angry. This wish to not be so angry or to check yourself, to say, why am I so angry? This stepping back and looking at this as a problem is a kind of renunciation. It means you're questioning this impulse.

[03:13]

Not just giving in to the impulse, but questioning the impulse. And this is the beginning of renunciation, is just to question the impulse. the desire to practice is itself a kind of renunciation. It means I would rather be doing something which is less egotistical than what I'm now doing, which is a kind of renunciation. You know, when we desire to do something, then something else doesn't get done. So we're always making a choice, continually making choices. And every time we make a choice, we choose something and don't pick up something else.

[04:21]

We have to decide, am I going to pick up this, or am I going to pick up this? We can pick up two things or more, and then we have a big bundle. And we do see people who run around with these big bundles. That's us. We're tripping over ourselves and things are dropping, you know, and somebody's yelling at us and somebody wants this. But putting down the burden, you know, what it calls is putting down the burden. We're carrying this stuff, but it's wearing us out. So when we decide to do practice, We have to lay down something else in order to do that. But we're still running with this stuff and at the same time trying to practice and stumbling and are discouraged and so forth.

[05:22]

But there is some renunciation in this desire to want to practice but not knowing how. or not really being able to. We will always be faced with this problem of wanting to do something and not being able to. Not being able to do things the way we want to or exactly the way we think they should be. And right there is the heart of practice. to want to do these things, to want to be able to practice well, and not being able to. And in this awareness, we struggle to make things work.

[06:29]

I don't criticize people, I don't criticize everyone for having the difficulty that you all have. Everybody has this difficulty of not being able to practice as well or as much as we could or want to. But then the difficulty itself becomes the practice. The frustration itself becomes our practice. The dissatisfaction itself becomes the practice. As Suzuki Roshi used to say, at one moment you're angry Buddha, at another moment you're frustrated Buddha, at another moment you feel incomplete Buddha. As long as we are really engaged and making the effort and have the desire, we'd have our practice, our sincere practice.

[07:52]

It may not look ideal, but to maintain the intention, to maintain that intention, through the difficulties that we have. It's just like sitting Zazen. You have this difficulty and you don't know whether you should stay or leave. You can't stay and you can't leave. This is the perfect place to be. the place that they go on over your life. You can't stay and you can't leave. Things are not satisfactory, but we accept them. We accept everything the way it is. To accept everything just as it is and continue is renunciation.

[08:59]

with some effort. If the effort is not there, then things go downhill. As long as the effort and the intention are strong, there's practice. And everything is included as our practice. So we can allow our frustration to be there. We can allow the things that get in our way to be there without judging them or making a value judgment. and to just reside in the calmness of our mind within our frustration, our difficulty, our inability to perform the way we want to.

[10:35]

Suzuki Roshi talked about Everything is included within our big mind. If everything is not included within our big mind, then we've become bothered by what we think is outside of our mind. In his Sandokai lectures, he talks about the blue jay. you may be in your room writing something or reading something. And the blue jay is above your, in the tree outside the room. If you don't like the song of the blue jay, then it's just noise.

[11:37]

But if you let the blue jay come into your heart, then the blue jay is reading the book. He says, in Japan, sound is different than noise. Sound is something that comes from your practice, and noise is something more objective, something that can bother you. If you strike a drum, the sound you make is the sound of your own subjective practice, and it is also the sound that encourages all of us. Sound is both subjective and objective. You know, when we sound the bell for a service, it can be either inspiring or it can be noise, depending on how you perceive it, how it's perceived.

[12:52]

It's just a sound, of course. But our mind is what creates either music or noise. When you sound the bell, each sound produces a Buddha. So when you're playing the bell, you should think or direct, or your intention should be to create a beautiful sound which is creating a Buddha on each stroke. It's not just timing for the bowing or something. It's creating an atmosphere for practice.

[13:54]

In Japan, we say hibiki. Hibiki means something that goes back and forth like an echo. If I say something, I will get feedback back and forth. That is sound. Buddhists understand a sound as something created in our mind. I may think the bird is singing over there. But when I hear the bird, the bird is me already. Actually, I am not listening to the bird. The bird is here in my mind already, and I am singing with the bird. Sometimes in the morning, we hear the bird singing. If in zazen, your mind is very open, then the bird is not out there. The bird is, you are the sound of the bird. Peep, peep, peep. If you think while you are studying, the blue jay is singing above my roof, but its voice is not so good.

[15:06]

That thought is noise. When you are not disturbed by blue jays, blue jays will come right into your heart, and you will be a blue jay. And the blue jay will be reading something. And then the blue jay will not disturb your reading. When we think the blue jay is over my roof, the blue jay over my roof should not be there. That thought is a more primitive understanding of being because of our lack of practice, and we understand things in that way. The more you practice Zazen, the more you will be able to accept something as your own, whatever it is. That is the teaching of Gigi Muge from the Kagan, or Hawaiian school. Gigi means being that has no barrier, no disturbance. Because things are interrelated, it is difficult to say, this is a bird and this is me. It is difficult to separate the blue jay from me. That is Gigi Muge.

[16:07]

Well, this is from Suzuki Roshi's Sando Kai lectures. Branching streams flow in the dark. In zazen, you know, you just listen, or your mind is open. All the senses doors are open. You don't try to hear something. You don't try to see something. You don't try to feel anything. But yet, seeing sees. hearing hears, feeling feels. So there's a sound outside the Zen Doh, in the sky. Does your hearing hear the sound? You say, oh, that's an airplane. Yeah, it is an airplane, but at the same time, I don't know what it is. It's just this sound.

[17:10]

The sound is, what is hearing the sound? Is the sound out there? If I think that the sound is disturbing me, then I can get upset. It's like someone living upstairs from you and they're always walking hard on the floor, dropping things and bouncing around. And you can either let the sounds in, be the sounds, or you can feel that the sounds are intruding.

[18:21]

If you feel the sounds are intruding, then you have set yourself up for a big problem. Because the less you can do about it, the more frustrated you become until you just go crazy. So the way to escape from something is to become it. The way to escape from your pain, from the pain in your legs, in zazen, is to become one with the pain. Then there's nothing outside of the pain to compare it with. When there's nothing to compare it with, it's no longer dominating you. So this is called letting go of the subject-object problem.

[19:33]

We can do that because in reality, the subject and the object is just something created by our consciousness. And it's not necessary to be attached to that concept. So this is called non-attachment on its own, also called leaving no trace. Leaving no trace means to let go moment after moment, to not cling to things, to not get stuck on things, moment after moment, to let go of emotion, thought, and appear fresh and new on each moment.

[20:48]

That's called renunciation. That's true renunciation. To not harbor ill will, to not get stuck in clinging to things, and to let go of your delusive idea about what things are. Anger arises, and it naturally arises justifiably. but anger can be transformed into appropriate action. If you step back from anger, which is renunciation, then you have the possibility of turning that that strong emotion into appropriate action.

[21:58]

Not always. Sometimes, until you can find the solution, you remain angry. But even after you find the solution, you remain angry because anger is a very strong emotion and makes us feel powerful. So we get caught by it very easily. Anyway, to connect all these things together, To find a rhythm for practice means that you have to let go of something. You can't... The problem that we have in our life these days is that we have too much.

[23:07]

And it's not a matter of getting something, it's a matter of how can we not take on everything? How can we manage our lives without taking on everything that comes along that looks good? That's the difficulty that we have. And in order to practice, we have to make some choice as to what we're willing to let go of in order to do that. If you're going to get up in the morning, you have to go to bed early. I'm sorry. But there is a way to practice, and we can always find a way to practice if we really want to.

[24:13]

we can also practice in the midst of our difficulty of practice, or with the obstacles that we have, to not get angry. If we have enough of a rhythm which doesn't mean that you're always sitting zazen, but it means that you know how to pace yourself. You know how to pace yourself over a long period so that you're not always at the zendo, but you know how to make it, that rhythm, over a long period. Then there's a practice. Then you have a practice. And to sustain that means that you have to have a kind of regularity in your life. And that regularity is the important part.

[25:26]

It may make your life dull, but practice is a little dull. So we practice the difficulty that we have in our practice or just getting to practice is also practice. So if our mind is big enough, open enough, we can include whatever is happening as our practice. Do you have a question? Nick. Thank you very much for your talk.

[26:30]

One of the points that I get stuck on is on the one hand, yes, we have to make these choices. I understand that. Where I get hung up is we also have this, I don't remember if it's one of the precepts or Well, I guess it's not to be avaricious or not to be ... That's a precept. Stingy, yeah, with materials. Spiritually or materially, yeah. So, I tend to ... Not to withhold spiritual or material. The other one is not to be stingy. Those are two different precepts. Okay. I'm someone who's been given many skills in growing up, and they've been very helpful.

[27:36]

So when I come to the point where I feel that I need to choose between one or the other, and then I'm approached in a way where I'm asked Why are you trying to let go of it? Well, to deepen another one. This is the moment of the decision to practice. So I've made the decision to sit here, but everybody knows me as having this other skill, which I won't say because I don't want people to know. That problem, yeah. Well, you have your yes and you have your no. That's really important, to be able to say yes and be able to say no. And once you make a decision, to stay with your decision.

[28:40]

Even though, you know, it's like when somebody decides to go to Tassajara for a couple of practice periods, as soon as they do that the first time, then some beautiful woman walks into their life, you know, and they, or some beautiful man walks into their life, and they, the last minute, oh, God, my leg's hurting me. Or, you know, this happens all the time. Or someone becomes ordained, wants to become ordained, and at the last minute, you know, something comes up, you know, they suddenly see. So, you have to, go through with your decision. That's why decision is so important. Well, what's the difference between no and withholding? And this is something that I've actually been confronted on. You are withholding this from me.

[29:41]

So it's like the demon. Well, it's their problem. It's their problem. If you're not, you're just simply saying no, and they're feeling that you're withholding that, but that's just their problem. You have to allow people to have their own problem. I agree with that, but I struggle with it. Yeah. Because I feel like that might be kind of, that that's arrogance. Is that not, that's not arrogance though? Well, you can have, allow them to have their problem with compassion. You're sympathetic toward their problem, but you can't help them. Or another way is to just go ahead and do that and take the consequences. That's okay. As long as you know, I'm doing this and I'm going to take the consequences, right?

[30:46]

And this is an important point. It's like someone may feel, you know, I'm going to practice, you know, and I'm not going to let anything interfere. And then somebody says, I need something. So sometimes you just have to let go of that pristine practice and fall into the weeds with people, as they say. Yeah, that's good to do. That's okay, but that's your intention. I'm doing this. I know that everything's gonna go on without me. Goodbye. That's okay. I give up. I'll die. It's okay, as long as it's your decision. Sometimes it's very good to leave your, to just give up your, success and take care of somebody else's failure and just give up, give it all up.

[31:56]

That's okay. That can be very successful in a different way. So we should be prepared to let go of our ideal in order to take care of the actual. Linda. You said earlier about intention that you should decide to practice even if it kills you. If that's your intention. What? To get killed? No, if your desire, if you really have the desire to practice, then that, yeah, if that's your intention. Well, it just made me think of these religious teachers recently, the last 20 years or so, that told their followers that, and then they killed them. They killed their followers?

[33:00]

You know, like Jim Jones or Koresh or... You think that's what I'm talking about? No! I wonder if he's alive. There's always the aberration for everything. There's no discipline in the world that doesn't have its aberration. I was thinking about the space for being less great. Yeah. I might. When I was younger, I had this idea that when I do anything that my teacher asks me to, It's not that the teacher's asking the student to do that. The student is talking about the student's own sincerity to themselves. You don't do something for your teacher. When you decide you're gonna do something, to do it thoroughly, that's the point.

[34:02]

And you do that for you. That's your sincerity to yourself. It's like, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna see it through if it kills me. That doesn't mean I'm gonna get killed doing it. Although, in Zen practice, to die at the death, to die the great death while you're still alive is part of practice. But that means the death of the ego. It doesn't mean to shoot yourself in the head. And it doesn't even mean the death of the ego. It means put the ego in its proper place so it doesn't kill you. I think it's time.

[34:57]

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