Good afternoon, once again. A couple of months ago there was a Sun magazine had the, do many of you know the Sun magazine? No, from Chapel Hill. Anyway, it's an unusual magazine because it has no advertisements. And they're serious about writing and so on.

[01:00]

But every month there's a, first thing I read is the readers write in and they have some subject. So, recently one month was about cheating, so, you know, school, relationship, whatever. And, you know, leaving home, different subjects. Anyway, a couple of months ago the subject was losing weight. So people had various things to say. And there was one or two other articles or stories in the issue about people losing weight or trying to lose weight. And one of them, I think, was an article by, is it Sally Tisdale? Sarah Tisdale? Sarah Tisdale, the woman who wrote Talk Dirty to Me. And she's actually, so she's a Buddhist, you know, she meditates. Anyway, and she explained things like, you know, they've done a study with healthy men.

[02:09]

And had them, those who volunteered to be part of the study were asked to lose 25% of their weight. You know, by following a certain diet. So, they were all successful. As soon as they went off the diet, of course, they all gained the weight back in more. They'd had fairly stable weight until they dieted and then they, you know, ballooned up. So apparently this is what dieting does. You know, it teaches your body that once it has a chance to eat, it better. Something like this. Anyway, it's a fascinating subject. And many people wrote in to say how important it had been to them to look a certain way. So they dieted and, you know, people they knew or they themselves had come close to death or people they knew had died.

[03:11]

I have, many years ago, my girlfriend's sister died of anorexia. It, you know, at some point it just becomes, well, anyway, there ended up being various complications. Anyway, the most interesting letter to me was one a woman wrote who lived in Portland. She said she and a friend had, she said Americans spend 30 billion dollars a year. I think it was 30 billion dollars a year on dieting and diet products and diet programs. And very few studies have been done about does anybody keep the weight off. She'd say, you'd think they're spending that much money, they would want to have some studies to see if they're effective or not.

[04:18]

But whether they're effective or not doesn't seem to be the point, you know. So she decided to study, to do a study of people who had lost. It was at least 25 pounds, if not 75 pounds or more, 25 pounds or more, let's say. 25 pounds or more and kept it off for five years or more. So she identified these people one way or another. It turned out they had one thing in common. They'd each figured out for themselves how to lose that weight. So she and her associate wrote a book about this. So far they've been turned down by 13 publishers.

[05:22]

With the advice to write a book about dieting. How to do it. Because, you see, it turns out people want to be told what to do. Why would you want to be told what to do? You know, implicitly we think, I can't figure it out. I don't know what to do. I don't have the answer. And not only do I not have the answer, but I believe that I am incapable of finding it out for myself. The best I can hope for is to have somebody tell me what to do and then do it. That's going to be about as good as it gets because how would I know what to do? And then if you're not good at doing what you're told, you say, I guess that wasn't the plan for me.

[06:30]

To heck with Zen. To heck with yoga. To heck with this diet. To heck with this person. To heck with this job. Or you say, I guess I have too much resistance. I can't follow the program. I'm just bad. I'm just a bad person. And the more you're bad like that, of course, the more you feel like, how could I figure it out for myself? Because I must be a bad person. I can't even do what these people tell me. And it's these great plans that they have for me. And if I could just do what they told me, it would work out all right. So it ends up being, you know, it's in many ways quite sad. You know, it's sad that individually,

[07:39]

you know, that we have such a low, a low kind of view of ourself. I can't find my way in my life. I won't be able to figure out anything. I don't know how to figure out anything. And then it's sad as a culture, of course, that, you know, then people make money. Selling these books that say, oh, you don't know? I can tell you. The latest, greatest, you know, thing to do. Do what I say and, you know, you too can be like me, appearing on Oprah. And, you know, part of what, from my point of view anyway, is sad about it is,

[09:02]

as I was saying earlier in somewhat different language, each of us has the capacity to find out how to live our life. Each of us, you know, has or had or has, if we will permit it, you know, at some point we don't always give ourself permission or credit or acknowledge the capacities we have for curiosity, interest, discovery, stumbling along, stumbling upon the answer. So there's whole, you know, parts of our lives

[10:09]

that have, you know, been lost. Once we become busy doing what, you know, according to how to the right way to do it, whether it's dieting or Buddhism or your job or your relationship. This last year, you know, periodically I'm quite depressed. This last year there was a period where I was quite depressed. I told my weekly sitting group I was depressed. My group shrunk in half. My group went from, you know, 30 or 35 people coming to 10 or 12 people coming. Because, you know, you should have a Buddhist teacher who has the answer and can give it to you.

[11:09]

Because after all, you couldn't find the answer for yourself now, could you? So your Buddhist teacher should just give it to you. And that's the kind of teacher you should have. So I had a lot of dropouts. Anyway, and then the week after that it was very interesting, you know, because I got three phone calls from people in my group, which just about covers it. One phone call said, you know, I felt so honored. It was such a privilege that you would share, you know, your feeling with us and that you would trust us enough to share, you know, what's going on in your life with us in this way. I felt so honored. I thought, wow, really? Then I got a phone call that said,

[12:14]

Oh, so you're depressed, huh? Why don't we have lunch next week? Then I got a phone call, Ed, I'm really tired about hearing about this. Get some medication. This is a disease like anything else. You know, it's a health issue. It's really different. You know, chemically challenged. You just need some medication. So, you know, my wife has had this problem for a long time and she recently found the latest thing to take. It's really great. It's made all the difference in my relationship with her. Get with the program. And I saw my physician. I had a health exam for the first time in five years and told the physician I was depressed. You know, because they say anything else going on in your life or something.

[13:21]

You know, they don't want to just know about your knees or your lungs or you coughing, you know, and anything else that's happening, you know. Yeah, I'm really depressed. So he said, well, Ed, the good news is that depressed people live just as long as people who aren't depressed. That was like the most depressing thing I've heard all day. You know, at that point, I told him like, that is really depressing. And he explained to me that he was well versed in whatever they're called, you know, psychics. I guess they're not psychotropic. Isn't that like LSD? Psychic ambulatory or whatever. You know, to get you up and walking about and whatever. So he said, if you decide you want, you're interested, you know, I can certainly help you with medication.

[14:25]

So at the time I decided not to do that. I still have this sort of basic issue as a Buddhist teacher. You know, if somebody comes to me and says, I'm depressed, what should I do? And I say, you know, just get some medication. Leave me alone. You know, some people are just chemically challenged. What did you think anyway? You know, I'm going to help you with this. So there's certain things I have sort of a problem. I figure like, I'm going to, you know, see if I can find out what to do with this. And kind of along with this, you know, I'm in my 50s now, mid-50s,

[15:45]

and I can't believe how difficult life is. You know, for me, and I have the advantages. Somebody emailed me one of these things, that if you have money in your pocket, you're probably among the 8% wealthiest people in the world. Or something like this, you know. If you have a house over your head and food, I mean, you're, you know, you're in the top 20% or the, you know, the top 5% or 8%, you know. We're all seriously advantaged. You know, to be in this room, to be here. And yet I find life very painful. And the truth of Buddhism becomes more and more formidable. In other words, you know, I've heard for 35 or 40 or 45 years

[16:45]

or whatever that life is transient, everything changes. And I'm going, oh sure, no problem. Great, okay, wonderful. If it didn't change, you know, we'd all be in quite a rut, wouldn't we? And the older I get, the more I feel like, yeah, it changes. And it hurts. And I don't know what's going to happen, and it's scary. And I'd rather know what's going to happen. I find it very terrifying that anything can happen and that I don't know what's going to happen and how long we'll be here. And life seems to be all the more, you know, the truth of suffering seems to be all the more real. You know, that I use the same way.

[17:48]

I used to think, oh, suffering, great. But, you know, there is nice food. There's some good sex now and again. You know, there's good friends. There's sunsets, there's sunrises. There's walks in the park and out in the hills. You know, some of you may like skiing or surfing or whatever, you know. So there's enough good things. And all those good, wonderful things, I don't, sort of like, it's kind of like they say in Buddhism, it's kind of like a Band-Aid over this basic sore. You know, the basic painfulness of life, the difficulty, the stress, the uncertainty. You know, and if it's so good, then when you don't have it, you know, you really miss it. And it's so disappointing that you can't have it back. And you had it, but now you don't. And so actually that pleasure turns into this, you know, just the grounds for future suffering.

[18:48]

And then, you know, there's nothing that dependable. And the things that were good aren't that good anymore. And, you know. And suffering, I notice also, I just saw my mom this last week. She's actually my stepmother, who's 86 now. And she just has, she has rather intense outbursts of frustration that, you know, her hands don't work the way they used to. And I'm going, uh-oh. And I don't know what to do. You know, I say, oh, so it's frustrating.

[19:51]

Yeah, it's frustrating. And can I help you? No. No. So she doesn't want any help with the things that are frustrating. She just wants things to work better the way they used to. And I feel the same way. I just, you know, something, you know, accidentally falls off the counter and, you know. The other day she had the experience I often have, you know, she wanted to open up the bag, the bag of snacks. She could not open them. You know how impregnable packaging can be? She finally found her scissors. And I just get so frustrated sometimes that things don't open or that things spill or fall or, you know, the other day I was making grilled cheese sandwiches or quesadillas and I picked it up.

[20:53]

And I sort of was looking at the bottom, I guess, to see, you know, is it getting toasty? And the next thing I know, it had splattered on the floor. And the grilled cheese is streaked down the side of the stove, you know, and onto the handles and onto the floor. And I just find it so annoying. You know, like, and I know all the Buddhist teachings about, you know, the boat that's coming down the stream and it, you know, you call out, oh, you know, watch where you're going. You're going to hit me. And, you know, it finally smashes into you. You're yelling and screaming. And then you're so mad and you jump up and you say, do you see what happened? There's just nobody in the other boat. So it's like, who do you get mad at then? But I just take it personally anyway.

[21:57]

You know, the universe is conniving. It's plotting. It's pulling these things. I can't accept. And then, or, you know, I, you know, or the alternative is, I guess I really am a klutz. You know, I can't even turn over a quesadilla anymore and put it on the floor. Jesus. So anyway, I don't know that, I expect it by now to be a pleasant, you know, Buddhist teacher, you know, having it together. Beyond distress and despair. She disperses the gloom and darkness of delusion. You know, the perfection of wisdom, most excellent are her works. She is a source of light.

[23:03]

And from everyone in the ten directions, she removes the gloom and darkness of delusion. I thought I could just, by now I would be doing that. No problem. So it's all the more frustrating, you know, to be a klutz. And it's all out of control. I mean, you know, now we're having all these power failures. Who knows, you know, what will happen? I mean, really? Power failures? In America? People who have power failures? PG&E? They've been taking our money for years and they can't figure out how to give power anymore? Well, I need to wind this talk up, I've been wambling now.

[24:05]

So, anyway, what I want to get to is just the point that actually, to come back to and continue on the point that we have a capacity, the capacity to find our way in our life. And actually, you know, to decide that is pivotal. To decide that, I'm going to find my way. You know, it's revolutionary. It's pivotal. And whether you have any reason to believe it or not, you just decide it anyway. You know, whatever, we are all, you know, creatures of what we believe, what we say, what we tell ourselves. One of my pet examples these days is, you know, nobody likes me. Nobody likes me. Do you believe that? About me? About you? What do you say about what other people think of you? You know, men can't be trusted.

[25:15]

Women are manipulative. Whatever it is, you know. What kind of world is it out there? Is it a world that is friendly? Albert Einstein finally said, you know, towards the end of his life, the important question for humanity is, is the universe friendly? Or do you need to, like, be prepared, you know, that they're going to be attacking you any minute? And then maybe can you be, like, charming enough and also prepared? You know, what's your stance? What, you know, and you take the stance that reflects what you believe, what you think. And, you know, so the real problem will be, can you ever get any evidence that's beyond or different than what you think? This is not as easy as it sounds. If you believe, as I have for many years,

[26:18]

nobody likes me, I don't care if you like me. You don't know me well enough. If you really knew me the way that I know me, certainly you couldn't like me. That's one good way to dismiss most of you. A few of you know me a little bit better, but then you just like everybody, don't you? You just like people. So, you know, of course I'm in there with everybody else. So it's not like you like some people and don't like others and you like me. No, you just like everybody. So, you know, it doesn't, that's irrelevant data. And then another way to dismiss things is you just like me because you want something from me. What is it? You know how they say, oh, you're so beautiful. Oh, you're so wonderful. Could you give it to me? Could you give it to me? I want some. Give me, give me.

[27:19]

So will you ever be able to actually see where somebody likes you and like accept that, huh, it looks like they like me. Huh. I'm suspicious. But at some point you could like let go of your ingrained belief long enough to let somebody like you or to notice that somebody's behaving as though they like you at least, you know, for now or something, you know. So this is not, you know, it's not easy at all to actually get some evidence. And so it turns out you may as well just believe something else. Choose to believe something else about the universe, about you, about other people. This is an example. You could choose to believe and it's actually very basic to Buddhism.

[28:23]

You know, sometimes in this, in the scriptures it says Buddhism is two things. One is the realization of the truth of suffering. Things aren't working. I can't control things to anywhere near the way I'd like to control them. They're out of my control. Even my own mind is beyond my capacity to tell it what to do. And I'm going to figure it out. I'm going to figure out what to do then. I'll find my way. I'll learn, you know, I'll study, I'll observe, I'll notice, I'll see what I can discover, I'll see what I can find out. I'm going to do it. This is very powerful. And it's just as true as anything else you believe

[29:25]

that I can't do it, I can't find my way, I don't know what to do, I'm lost. It's just as true. I tell myself that stuff, I'm lost, I'm confused, I don't know my way. And at the same time or at some point I come back to, well, I'm going to figure it out anyway. I'm going to find out what to do anyway. I'm going to go ahead anyway. I'm not sure I belong on this earth. I'm not fit for this place. This is a weird place. Have you noticed? When I was 20, you know, four of us rented a flat in San Francisco. It was $140 a month for the flat. It was $35 a piece. Now that flat would be $2,500

[30:26]

or $3,000 if you had four people living there. You know, it's somewhere around $600 or $700. Now, in those days, maybe you could work for $5 an hour. One day's work, you got your rent. Now it can be half the month. I mean, it's a week or something just to pay the rent if you're, you know, young. It's a strange world. And, you know, all the laws are set up to maximize capital gain. For people who have the money to invest in housing as an investment and as a property, all the laws aren't set up for, you know, housing, for people to live in places. It's a strange world. And this is another one of my friends said recently, you know, people say they're capitalists. They're not capitalists. The Western world is not capitalist.

[31:29]

Capitalists, the original capitalism, you preserved something. You preserved capital. No, you know, you're extractionists. You extract mineral resources and you sell it off. You know, this is quick gain world. This is not, you know, preserve your capital, grow and develop anything. Oh, well, anyway. So I want to say a couple more things. I better finish up soon or we won't have a sitting to end the day. So once I decided last year, I'll see what I can notice. I'll see what I can find out. You know, for many years now, I had been feeling not as depressed as last summer, but kind of like, well, what do I do now?

[32:30]

And I didn't feel the same kind of passion and enthusiasm I felt when I was younger. And I didn't feel the same big surprise, right? So I've been kind of wishing, couldn't I have more passion in my life, more energy and vigor and enthusiasm? Where is it? And various people I talked to and work with would say to me, you have plenty of passion yet. That's not the problem. So I kept not noticing what the problem was. And then last fall, at some point, I noticed depression is your passion judged as being wrong. It's you. It's me judging my passion as wrong. So as soon as you start to get a little passion, you say, oh, oh, oh, careful. Watch that. You could get in trouble. Better not do that.

[33:36]

Better not have that energy. Careful. That's just telling yourself, that's bad. That's not good. That's wrong. Get interested in something. Tell yourself it's wrong. Be curious about something. Oh, that's wrong. Better just do what you're told. Just better follow. Get with the program. Get a program that works and follow it and follow it. And a lot of times, I don't even notice it. I don't even notice. I didn't even notice how I was judging myself as being wrong, bad, not good enough. Happens very quickly. That's part of what meditation is helpful for, to notice things that you haven't noticed. And it seems necessary

[34:49]

to notice something like this in order to stop doing it. You have to notice what it is you're doing before you decide, I'm not going to do that. So, before you notice, you set out. Set out to notice. Decide to find your way. I will find my way. I will figure out for myself what to do in my life, out of my experience, with what I see, smell, taste, touch, observe. So, this is Zen. People don't believe me when I say so, Japanese Zen master Tenke, he said, see with your eyes, smell with your nose, taste with your tongue. Nothing in the universe is hidden. What else would you have me say? Well, what else you'd have me say is,

[35:52]

how can I get it right? How can I behave so that everybody approves, so that nobody's unhappy with me? How can I get approval all the time from everybody? You know, how can I get people to like me all the time? I'm not just talking about once in a while. I want foolproof. So, there's a lot of things we'd say to him. And he said, see with your eyes, smell with your nose, feel with your thinker, feel with your feeler, feel your feelings, think your thoughts. Nothing in the universe is hidden. What are you doing? Notice what you're doing. Figure it out. In your experience, find your way. He's not saying anything different than the woman in Portland who said, people who lost 25 pounds or more

[36:55]

and kept it up for five years found out, each of them found out for themselves in their own life, in their own way how to do it. And that doesn't mean you can't listen to teachers or you can't see what a diet book says or you can't try out some program or you have to close your ears to any advice or suggestion. No, it means like if it makes sense to you, you can do it. If it doesn't make sense, you don't. You've given yourself permission to decide and you haven't just told yourself you have to do this, you can't do that, you should this, you shouldn't that. And I can tell you, I know that's called depression. That's called turn it way down, you know. Am I making sense to you all? So this is also in Buddhism called

[38:00]

generate a thought that is unsupported by anything. The thought that you could figure it out for yourself, there's no basis you know, to believe that. This is a thought that's unsupported by any evidence, it's not supported by what you hear, see, smell, taste, touch, think, feel. It's not supported by anything. Go ahead and produce the thought anyway. There is a funny, this is just a little aside. I'm sorry I keep going on. Oh well. We should sit. We should. You see how it's just, it's insidious.

[39:01]

It keeps coming back in there. Oh well. Oh anyway, there was just a finish up about what I started on Tricycle Magazine. There was an article about relating with unseen beings. And you visualize various deities and demons and Buddhas and Bodhisattvas and then you can relate with them because you visualize them. And so then people want to know is that just a projection of my mind or do they actually exist? And then the answer is yes those are just projections just like everything else was. They are just projections of your mind just like everything else is just a projection of your mind.

[40:02]

So again I want to just emphasize that point one more time that this doesn't mean not listening to Buddhist teachers or reading Buddhist books or whatever but at the same time finally when you empower yourself to find your way. I will find my way. I will figure this out. I will find out what to do. I will study this. I will see what I can notice see what I can observe. I'll let myself dream up things to do that I hadn't ever thought of before. I won't limit myself just to doing what I should what I always thought was the thing to do. Okay you know I can dream things up I can see what I can come up with I'll let things occur to me how I might see it how I might think about it.

[41:29]

Recently I saw this I got this little quote for the refrigerator somebody named Ruth Gordon does anybody know who Ruth Gordon was? An actress and she said never give up and never under any circumstances no matter what never face the facts. At first I thought oh that's silly and then I thought oh that's perfect. All the time we come up with these facts like nobody likes this or I'm 55 or I'm this or I'm that don't believe it. If that's a fact then it's just one of many. Well it's getting towards 4.20

[42:34]

so thank you very much let's just stop and let's stand up and stretch briefly and we'll sit down for a few minutes to end. Thank you.

[42:42]

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