Is there a daily, moment-to-moment kind of exercise that we can do to remind ourselves of intimacy? Is there an exercise to remind yourself of intimacy to remain aware? Try to be comfortable with yourself. Are you aware of your posture and breathing? Are you feeling? Are you aware of what you see if you're still, if you feel still and present? Are you here? Are you here? Am I here? Are you quiet before it's happening?

[01:04]

Even if you're upset? Check the college. Here they might be present. What's here? What's this position? How do I get in this position? Do I want to sit like this? So when I did that just then, I checked my body and I noticed that my lower back was not quite where I want it to be, so I moved it forward a little bit. So now I'm more in the posture I want to be sitting in. I'll check again. I'll check my posture again. I'll check my posture again. And the more you practice being mindful of your body, the more you can be still with your body.

[02:15]

The more you're still with the body, the more you're mindful of the body. The more you're mindful of your body, the easier it is to notice the body's breathing. More still you are with your body, the more you notice that it's kind of pulsing with your breath, and your breath is pulsing with your body. And then you start to notice that you make a choice that should be mindful. So you start to notice that you're not, you notice that you don't pay your, what if you So based on being aware of your body and being still with your body, you start to become aware of your breathing. You start to become aware of your feelings. You start to become aware of your story. It's all about coming back and being still with yourself. You can also say, you know, you can also remind yourself, this is the work of the two senses.

[03:23]

And you can also encourage yourself by saying, this practice is practice recommended, practiced by all buddhists. So it's not just something I'm doing, but also something I'm doing with this great tradition. So all this could be ways to encourage yourself to be present and still wonderful in the kind I just have to realize the . So I have a question about, do we call it repentance?

[04:38]

A question about repentance? Is that what you call it? Well, we usually say confession of repentance. Confession of repentance. Because the way we do it here, I don't feel very intimate when I say, oh, my ancient wisdom come out. I mean, I don't know, it's just very... Abstract to me. Well, you said you don't feel content with that. So that means can you fit the internet with this? Can you fit the internet with this? Yeah. This is more intimate than that. Generally speaking, this is more intimate than that. Generally, when we say this, we generally feel closer to this than to that.

[05:45]

Yeah. So in the practice of intimacy, keep checking with, am I needing to network with this? Am I needing to network with this? Am I needing to network with this? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm just, I guess, I'm wondering, like for you maybe, what's in your mind when you say all my ancient wisdom come up? What is that to you? All. All. When I say, hello, I try to continue with saying, hello. But being this person, you can say, hello. I try to continue with that. When I'm saying, none, I try to continue with that. So I try, whatever I'm doing, I'm trying to get present with what I'm doing, with this.

[06:48]

When it comes time for, hello, my agent, Kristen, I try to be present for that body activity of speaking. That's my present future. All right. I guess I'm comparing with something similar in practice. It's called purification. It involves focusing on one act that you did recently and feeling regret that you did not. You recite this mantra together with a visualization with you being I just want to tell you that for me, keeping that practice at the same time that you're saying, oh, I need you just to come up,

[08:05]

That's fine. That would be a way for you to feel more present at that point. That's good. And the things that help you be here are basically, I think, contributing to the great work of intimacy. No? Any other things you'd like to discuss? Yes. You touched on, Reb, the question of whether there's too much infancy possible, where you were applying our group today, more or less, in the sense of perhaps the level of infancy if that time were just right.

[09:31]

Is it possible to be too intimate? Some forms of relationship may seem inappropriate to you. Like, for example, we often think of, like, you may feel tremendous love for a child, but there's certain kinds of intimacy with the child, which at certain points are not appropriate. Like, when a child's a little baby, maybe it's OK that you take care of that when it's naked. Or you're naked with a baby, and the baby may be all right. When the baby grows up, then that form of being together In some ways, it's not as intimate as it would be if you actually didn't do that anymore. Not doing it anymore, but making it more intimate with what the person is becoming.

[10:34]

So I don't think we are too intimate, just that some forms are not appropriate. And to be intimate with that. is to accept that and to find a form that we can practice. So sometimes a form is something we should give away. We have intimacy because we're giving things away, because we're not holding on. So we have a relationship with someone, and it's time for it to change. It's changing. And the intimate thing to do is to let it change. In other words, that thing's not going to happen anymore. Now a new thing's going to happen. Can you be with the new relationship, the new form? Can you accept the new manifestation? Now this seems more appropriate. But I don't think it's too much intimacy. It's just that in intimacy, there's no clean.

[11:39]

So one case of intimacy is that we keep letting things go, and we see new manifestations of our form. We spoke about performance and intimacy. We spoke about performance and intimacy. The word performance, I can't remember exactly, but I've looked it up a few times. It's like the root of the word. And what I'm left with right now, what I'm remembering, is form and how we create form.

[12:40]

And I'm thinking about it in a relationship to intimacy. So intimacy, form, and intimacy. I'm curious about when we, I guess specifically in the kitchen, when we're in the kitchen and we're going in and we're chanting about the, and also when you speak about the Buddha. More like this. When I'm in the kitchen, I'm curious about when I'm in the kitchen and we're chanting about the Buddha. and how the Buddhas are protecting the ovens, which it seems as if this is happening in my experience there. And then when you speak about the Buddhas today, I remember speaking about the Buddhas today. I'm thinking about not only Buddhas that are alive, but I'm also thinking about Buddhas that have died, and so ancestors, and I'm curious about this, and how you view this, or how other people view this, and just maybe how to be intimate with one's listeners.

[13:57]

Well, one thing that comes to my mind is that one of the ancestors of the tradition called many offerings to do this. And in the introduction, the person says that this person is, I think, non-native speaker of English. The person says, in spiritual, I think he says in spiritual religions, you know, to think, oh, I make an offering to the Buddha, or to feel the jhāna of the Buddha. That's really the case. But he says that Buddha is more a religion of action, a religion of karma, of performance. So we don't just think. We have to do the performance of making an offering so that our body and speech and mind are involved in the performance of the relationship with the Buddha.

[15:01]

Because we are active beings, and we do act with our thinking, and our thinking ramifies into speech, postures, And if we don't use, and in fact, we're performing all the time, our thinking. And so here's our performance, the performance of intimacy. It's our body and voice also expressing our wish to be intimate. If you practice in the kitchen, for example, if one ancestor, the same ancestor I'm referring to named Dogen, he says, in the kitchen, put things back where you got them. A lot of kitchens have that precept, put things back where you got them.

[16:03]

And so if you put things back where you got them, you might be performing. kind of a worship of your mother who told you to do that. Your mother said, put things back in your kitchen. Put things back where you got them. If you use something, keep in mind to replenish these kinds of instructions your mother might have given you in the kitchen. But also, you could say, sorry, in some sense, I'm paying homage to my mother when I take care of the kitchen as well. My mother's not passed away, but I still practice my mother's teachings in the kitchen. So I'm performing my relationship with my mother. She's not in the room, maybe not in this world anymore. I'm still performing that relationship, relationship. Now, you also find out that Zen teachers also recommend the same practice, and you can actually, in some cases, pay homage to your mother at the same time you're paying homage to the Zen ancestors by performing things in the way that they taught.

[17:11]

So they may be dead, but the thing they did when they were alive, you're carrying on. So not only are you carrying on something good, but you're carrying on the goodness of their life. That's what they did to the practices which they taught their students. And now you're carrying on their teaching and their life. And sometimes making their life all the more valuable because you're celebrating it by performing it. You're performing their life. They are performing yours. You know what they're You couldn't perform this teaching like they gave it to you. So they're performing you. Their teaching is informing and performing you.

[18:14]

And that's what they did. So their life, their life activity is actually not performing you or perform through you. And you are performing them. You're thinking of them when you do the form. But their practice of that form is not transmitted and living in you, so they're actually performing. But you're also doing it together. So we're actually doing this tradition together with ancestors. But they're not doing it all by themselves. We have to join it. But we couldn't join it if they hadn't given it. So we have this tradition of of them giving it, us receiving it, and us transmitting it. But that's what the tradition was for them, too. So we're keeping their tradition, their act of keeping their life alive by living with something they did. Of course, it's different. Just like the way Indians do something today, it's different from the way they did yesterday.

[19:16]

So this is like, what do you call it, continuity. A tradition is always changing. It's alive, and it's changing all the time. Now, some things are changing all the time, but people are not performing the change, so there's no touch with the change. So we would like to perform something in such a way that we can touch the change. realize this is all a new performance. So that's the challenging, especially like the kitchen work here. You're not only performing, but you have some attachment to getting the meal done. And that attachment doesn't go with the performance. Tradition is to prepare a meal without attachment to the person who's doing the meal, to the meal or the people who are receiving it.

[20:25]

But to see how it's all written in such a way that you attach it. Yet there's a wholehearted generosity towards this action. then not only are you transmitting the way of cooking, but transmitting the way of cooking with no attachment. Because people do cook meals with attachment, and that seems to just perpetuate suffering. Even though there are certain meals that they're not . Buddha went teaching people how to live without fighting. Thank you.

[21:45]

You're welcome. So the desire for Having sexual intimacy, in my mind, in the midst of practicing intimacy with all beings. It's that desire, but as you said, one doesn't grasp other's intimacy. Hopefully. Yeah, that's the intention.

[22:47]

So if there's the desire, the main thing is not to turn your attention towards what's desired, but to look at the desire. So while you're desiring something, you practice compassion towards the desire. and then you don't abide in the desire or attach to the desire. Then you realize intimacy with the desire and with the being that you wish to realize intimacy with. Now, you may not even have touched the person in this story, but you're already feeling intimate with them.

[23:50]

Because you're feeling intimate with them, you don't try to get anything from the person, like a touch. But you may be willing to give a touch from this intimacy. So if I'm intimate with my desire for something, I don't dwell in it. If I don't dwell in it, I realize intimacy. And then from that intimacy I make gifts. Naturally. I no longer try to get intimacy. I already have realized it. And I didn't get the intimacy. It was given to me because I was kind to my desire. To have a desire for something And to look to the thing I desire and not take care of the desire, I'll miss out on intimacy. And that this object of my desire for intimacy will not be able to share with me intimacy, will not be able to realize intimacy with me.

[25:04]

Because I have distracted myself from the intimacy and gone for the object or desire for the intimacy. That's my proposal. What do you say? I'll practice that. And what do you know then? And if there isn't an object? If there what? If there's not a person. If there's not a person? Just the desire. Desire for what?

[26:05]

To have a physical relationship. Oh, and you aren't very specific in that? No. Well, does that special person have it? Or is it? Then the object is the idea of intimacy. So there's no particular person I want this with, but if there's something I want in my life, intimacy with the person. You know, perform the bodies, a bodily practice of intimacy. I want this in my life. There's nobody right now that I have in mind, but I want them. That's an object of this desire. And again, if I'm intimate with that desire, I realize what I want. Actually, I realize what I want. I will start to notice that that's the kind of physical relationships I have with people. They're already that way. This is called the Buddhist body of Buddha.

[27:07]

You start to realize that you're physically internet with everybody. which could include, at some point, actually touching someone. Or there's touch. There's also seeing. That's a physical relationship. There's smelling. There's hearing. So such a relationship actually could include seeing, smelling, hearing, touching. which is what I often think of, and taste, could include all those physical modalities in sexual intimacy. In some ways, fachi, in some ways, is the most basic physical sensation. The others are actually modifications of the organs, or modifications of the skin. So in some ways, touch is the most basic physical contact.

[28:13]

But we're also touched now by electromagnetic radiation, by mechanical waves, by gases, and by liquids. Those are all laws of sex, potentially, right? But I would intimate with it. That's the challenge. And that's what we want. We want that intimacy. But we're also afraid of it because intimacy calls up intimacy with our own fear. It's hard to be intimate with another person. It's hard to be intimate with a touch or a sight if I'm not able to be intimate with my own fear and my own pettiness and my own attachment. But if I can be intimate with myself, then I can be intimate with light and sound and touch and taste. Thank you.

[29:23]

Thank you. Thank you. My question is about the performance of compassion towards the ones arising in ourselves, especially difficult emotions. Take, for example, envy. I'm not so familiar with Zen, but I have been exposed to a number of different strains of Buddhism, and there are some different options, and so my question is to seek some clarity.

[30:30]

One option would be when envy arises, instead of tending to it, one could attend to something that instead nourishes happiness. One could smile and say, ah, there's envy, and just smile and be with it. Another one would be... That sounds good. Yeah. Another one would be, I think it's called compliment, where you would really take it in... really take it in and feel it in its distressing aspects and say, yes, there's this envy and there are so many needs right now, feeling the same thing, then all the breathing out, letting that go, that feels so good. But I guess what I'm feeling now is more question about another approach, which would be to enter the envy, to get to know what is it from its point of view. So that would be kind of, maybe not investing in it, but it would be entering it and saying, ah, of course, envy, of course, envy.

[31:40]

of course you would feel this way given these conditions that have just arisen. And then, ah, yes, of course. And then something... Sounds good. So, sounds like what you're saying is these are all options. And not necessarily... The first thing to do with the enemy is not move. First is to be still. with first is to be still with your guest. Then you might, after you're present with your guest, you might say, how do you think? What's it like? What's that like? What do you mean by that? So dialogue, giving a unfoldment of compassion towards the, for example, a guest, a guest But first of all, let's be here, rather than, before even arriving, start a guideline.

[32:54]

Those are all potential good ways to express compassion. But first, still. First be still means first view. First be yourself. Don't skip over being yourself and start interacting with someone. First be yourself, even if that person is yourself, not that person. If you skip over yourself and start interacting, This person also feels like they should stick over themselves and start interacting. So both of you are checked out, dissociated, trying to give this compassionate dance. First of all, let's talk. Thank you very much. Good night. I jumped up at the end of that question because I've been trying to form a question since the beginning, and you spoke to it exactly.

[34:25]

And so now that it's so clear, I have to say it right away, which is a thing that is arising in me as I try to honor intimacy in my life is anger. Anger is arising a lot. And I've been learning a lesson that you so beautifully spoke to that you can't demand intimacy. You can't demand intimacy from the other. I've had the experience in my life where I have desired intimacy and really did expect others to supply it. And now, after many years of doing this, I fairly recently have gotten that information that I cannot demand intimacy from another human being. And I've had many great lessons, mostly with my daughter, where I don't demand things from her anymore.

[35:28]

And I used to, because she grew up. And it was hard, but she grew up, and we just had to change. But it's easier for me to deal with the anger when I'm all by myself. I can do the various techniques of Tonglen and making peace with what's inside me and feeling the anger, and really feeling the anger and not needing to express. What caused just feeling the anger? And then eventually I can speak about it. But my question to you here today is, what can be done when you're in a relationship and the anger flashes quickly? And how...

[36:31]

Typically, my question is, typically what works for me is to withdraw the energy, is to just simply withdraw. And I find people that I'm working with withdrawing to it instead of, and I don't know, I really don't know how to deal with this. It's... It needs to be looked at. It needs to be shared. It needs to be each need to give something to each other rather than withdrawing. And what can be done in the moments of reflection and sharing something and giving something and have that not angry expression? Well, first, I still. Being still is the first phase of giving. You give and you're just angry.

[37:35]

Not just in theory, but right now you actually are here. You're being still with it and saying, okay, anger. We got anger. I recommend it. I welcome it. I welcome you, and I don't just say that I'm here still, unmovingly receiving you. I receive you, and I give you to you, so if you're being generous to me, I'm being generous to you. From that place, you can then give a gift to somebody else's memory, another human being for example. Because an amazing thing is happening. I'm like full iron. I offer that to you. And if you really are present that way, then you say, wow, what a gift. But if you're not present with the iron still, you know, you might come out.

[38:46]

Then his heart, then the compassion is derailed. I'm sorry to take care of the anger, especially if somebody else is nearby, because you also may sense that this is a dangerous thing and you feel afraid of that because they're nearby and you fear you get more angry. So be still with the anger. It doesn't mean freeze. It means be still. It means be completely generous with this anger. Honor it completely with your full presence. And then see if you can say, thank you very much. And then see if you can be gentle with that. And not try to control it, not try to get rid of it, not try to overwhelm you. And then watch if that's fine. And just go with that. The great fear is, if I say anything like that, the great fear is... Be still with the fear.

[39:55]

If you think about expressing it and you feel fear, be still with the fear. You haven't expressed it yet. You're just thinking of expressing it, and now fear comes up. So you're thinking of doing this thing, but now the guest has shown up. Fear. I love fear. I was thinking of talking, but you use that, don't you? Yes, I do. And then you take care of the fear. Now, after you take care of the fear, you might still be thinking about this thing that you might say, no, not necessary anymore. And you have to pick up. And because you're still, generous, calm, angry, and still, generous, with fear of what might happen if he hold it in his heart. Now he might be able to give it as a gift.

[40:57]

When you tell the person, I have a gift I want to give you that I'm afraid to give you, and I'm really here with my fear, and I want to know if you want to know what this gift is. And he might say, no, thank you. And you say, okay, thank you later. But the woman says, yeah, where is it? You say, well, at four o'clock. And you're transmitting this generosity to them. I'm afraid, too, but then you've transmitted to them what they were doing. Which they may take up on, and they may not. But if they don't, then they get angry with their fear. And yet, the nice thing is . And this way, we can . You're welcome. Rebuilding intimacy in a relationship.

[42:15]

I'm finding it very difficult to reestablish an openness with the person who I love. What would be a good practice to do that? Well, first of all, be still with your inability to... Do you say open? Yes. So you sense your heart closing. You sense yourself contracting. So be still with the contracting. Welcome the contracting. Say thank you to the contracting. The stillness, the welcoming, and the thank you of all are starting to open up, even though the contractions maybe seem to be right there, seem to be pretty much the same contractions as before. This lotus of compassion is growing right up out of a mud of contractions.

[43:17]

And the compassion can just keep growing and growing out of the contraction. Out of the unwillingness to be open, out of the unwillingness to be intimate, you can grow compassion. When the compassion gets strong enough, big enough, the contraction won't be contraction anymore. It will be the basis upon which great compassion has arisen. And that great compassion will relate in an intimate way, will realize intimacy with the thing that the contraction was not able to relate to. Without even taking the contraction away. And like, I still don't want to be with you. I still don't want to have anything to do with you. I'm completely in love with you. I'm so happy that I can love people I don't want to be with. And you are one of the many people I don't want to be with.

[44:21]

I'm totally open to you and available to you. I'm just so happy to be with somebody who I don't want to be with. I really do want to be with them. And I do want to be with everyone, including the people we don't want to be with. Because we want to realize that reality. It doesn't mean that the people who annoy us stop annoying us. It just means that we're able to embrace the annoying ones. It means that we really are open to them, even though perhaps we're built to be allergic to them. Thank you. There's just chemical reactions between some people, and that's just the way it is, positive or negative or neutral, various kinds of chemical reactions. How can we be intimate with all these different reactions?

[45:22]

By practicing, studying the karmic consciousness, which has the story of retraction and repulsion and so on, and then not dwelling on it and so on. Yes. If you grow up with people who accept you the way you are and who love you and make you the greatest thing since sliced bread, does that make you more able to be intimate with yourself? Yeah, it might. It actually might help you. It might. That kind of relationship might make it easier. Like the Buddha grew up in a very unabusive environment, so that when he actually saw the difficulties that he was sheltered from, he wasn't all tough.

[46:26]

So he could open to them and feel them. He could dare to feel the pain. of existence, because he was raised in such a kind way. People were raised roughly and had to get tough so that we'd numb ourselves to the situation. And once we're numb, it's hard to because we distance ourselves from it. We hardly even know what it is. So basically, be kind to yourself and others so that we can be kind to difficult situations eventually. It's not exactly our kindness that, as you get older, you get this disease called old age. I heard this expression that a microbiologist said, did you know that some people don't realize that old age is actually a disease?

[47:31]

I don't think they do that. So it's just many odds. It just comes to you naturally if you hang around for a while, but run into some difficulties. And then if you're practicing kindness towards everything that's been coming to you, you have a chance to be kind to the aging process of not trying to avoid it. Of not trying to avoid it. But some people are trying to avoid their life before those. So anyway, it's a normal thing to try to avoid their life, to be afraid or shy away from intimacy. So the work of the tradition is to train ourselves and encourage others to be intimate with ourselves.

[48:40]

This really helps to practice this. And it's not always easy. But the people who practice it, I haven't seen them regret it. They just say it's hard. The message is not, we're not saying that this is easy. We're just saying this is really what's important.

[49:14]

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