Is there a daily moment-to-moment kind of exercise that we can do to remind ourselves of intimacy? Is there an exercise to remind yourself of intimacy to remain, or whatever? Try to remind yourself Like, be aware of your posture and breathing. Are you feeling? Be aware of what you see here. Do you feel still? Impressive? Are you here? Are you here? Am I here? And you're quiet with what's happening, even if you're upset.

[01:06]

Just keep checking that out. And you hear it, you know, here. Present, present, still. And then again, what's here all about? What's the position you can see? How are you getting in this position? Do I want me sitting like this? So when I did that just then, I checked my body, and I noticed that my lower back was not quite where I wanted to be, so I moved it forward a little bit. So now I'm more in the posture I want to be sitting in. I check again, check my posture again, check my posture again. So, by moment, I'm actually intending to pre-work my posture to be mindful of my body. And the more you practice being mindful of your body, the more you can be still with your body.

[02:16]

The more you're still with the body, the more you can be mindful of the body. The more you're mindful of your body, the easier it is to notice the body's breathing. the more still you are with your body, the more you notice that it's kind of pulsing with your breath, and your breath is pulsing with your body. And then you start to notice that you may notice that she'll be mindful. Still, you start to notice that she's feeling pain or pleasure. So based on being aware of your body, being still with your body, and you start to become aware of your breathing. You start to become aware of your feelings, you start to become aware of your story. It's all like coming back and being still with yourself. And you can also say, you know, you can also remind yourself, this is the work I need to say.

[03:22]

And then you can also encourage yourself by saying, this practice is a practitioner recommended and practiced by all buddhams. So it's not — this isn't — you know, it's something I'm doing, but this is something I'm doing with a great tradition. So all this could be ways to encourage ourselves to be present and still mindful and kind. for the sake of realizing and missing. You're welcome. So I have a question about, will it call it repentance?

[04:38]

A question about repentance? Is that what you call it? Well, we usually say confession and repentance. Confession and repentance. Because the way we do it here, I don't feel very intimate with it. When I say, I want my ancient wisdom karma. I mean, I don't know, it's just something very... Abstract to me. Well, you said you don't feel intimate with that. And so that made me think, do you feel intimate with this? Do you feel intimate with this right now? Yeah, this is more intimate than that. Okay. Generally speaking, this is more intimate than that. Generally, when we say this, we generally feel closer to this than to that.

[05:46]

So in the practice of intimacy, keep checking with, are you intimate with this? Am I intimate with this? Am I intimate with this? Yeah. [...] So I'm just, I guess, I'm wondering, like for you maybe, what's in your mind when you say, all my ancient twisted karma, what is that to you? All. All. When I say all, I try to victim it with saying all. of being this person who's saying all, I try to be intimate with that. If I'm saying none, I try to be intimate with that. So I try to, whatever I'm doing, I'm trying to be present with what I'm doing, with this.

[06:48]

When it comes time for all my ancient, twisted, I try to be present for that body. activity of speaking. That's my personal opinion. I guess I'm comparing with... I learned something similar in Tibetan practice. It's called purification. It involves focusing on one activity recently. stealing your regrets that you do that. And you recite this mantra together with our visualization, with you being cleansed by one vector.

[07:51]

And point of view, that's not very, very important. Yeah, I guess I'm comparing. that experience, and I want a little bit of that when I do that. I just want to tell you that, for me, if you do that practice at the same time you're saying all my ancient twisted karma, that's fine. That would be a way for you to feel more present at that time. That's good. Any of the things that help you be here completely, are basically contributing to the great work of intimacy. Any other?

[09:02]

things you'd like to discuss yes you touched on the question of whether there's too much intimacy possible where you were applauding our group today more or less in the sense of perhaps the level of intimacy at that time was just right Is it possible to be too intimate? Some forms of relationship may seem inappropriate to you. For example, we often think of, like, you may feel tremendous love for a child But there's certain kinds of intimacy with a child, which at certain points are not appropriate.

[10:06]

When a child's a little baby, maybe it's okay that you're taken care of when it's naked. Or you're naked with a naked baby, maybe you're all right. But when the baby grows up, then that form of being together, in some ways, is not as intimate as it would be if you actually didn't do that anymore. Not doing it anymore, like the intimators aren't intimate. what the person's becoming. So, you know, I don't think we are too intimate. It just says some forms are not appropriate, and to be intimate with that is to accept that and to find a form that we can practice. Yeah. Yeah, so sometimes a form is something we should give away. Intimacy goes with giving things away.

[11:09]

It goes with not holding on. So we have a relationship with someone, and then it's time for it to change. It's changing. And the intimate thing to do is to let it change. In other words, it's that thing's not going to happen anymore. Now new things are going to happen. Can you be with the new relationship, with the new form? Can you accept the new manifestation? Now, this means more appropriate. I don't think there's too much intimacy, it's just that some, in intimacy, there's no clinging. So, one of the characteristics of intimacy is that we keep letting things go and receiving new manifestations of our form. Yes. You spoke about performance and intimacy.

[12:20]

You spoke about performance and intimacy. Yes. And the word performance, I can't remember exactly, but I've looked it up a few times, like the root, the word, and what I'm left with right now. what I'm remembering as form and how we create form. And I'm thinking about it in relationship to intimacy, so intimacy of form. And I'm curious about when we, I guess specifically in the kitchen, when we're working in the kitchen and we're bowing in and we're chanting about And also, when you speak about the Buddha... I'm curious about when I'm in the kitchen and we're chanting about the Buddhas and how the Buddhas are protecting the ovens, which it seems as if this is happening in my experience.

[13:24]

And then when you speak about the Buddhas today, I remember you were speaking about the Buddhas today. I'm thinking about not only Buddhas that are alive, but I'm also thinking about Buddhas that have died, and some ancestors, and I'm curious about this, and how you view this, or how other people view this, and maybe how to be intimate with warmlessness. Well, one thing that comes to my mind is that There's an essay by one of the ancestors of this tradition called Making Offerings to Buddhas. And in the introduction, the person says that — this person is, I think, non-native speaker of English — the person says, in spiritual — I think he says in spiritual religions —

[14:27]

you know, to think, oh, I'm making an offering to the Buddha, or to feel that you make an offering to the Buddha. But that's the case. But he says that Buddha is more of a religion of action, a religion of karma, of performance. So we don't just think, we actually do the performance of making an offering, so that our body and speech and mind are involved in the performance of the relationship with the Buddhas. Because we are active beings, and we do act with our thinking, and our thinking ramifies into speech and postures. And if we don't use — in fact, we're performing all the time — our kama, our thinking, And so it is our performance, the performance of intimacy. It's our body and voice also expressing how I wish to be intimate.

[15:33]

If you practice in the kitchen, for example, if you... One ancestor, the same ancestor I'm referring to, named Dogen, he says, in the kitchen, put things back where you got them. A lot of kitchens have that precept, put things back where you got them. And so if you put things back where you got them, you might be performing kind of a worship of your mother, who told you to do that. Your mother said, put things back where you got them. And if he is something, keep in mind to replenish your prayer. These kinds of instructions your mother might have given you in the kitchen. But also, you can say, in some sense, I'm paying homage to my mother when I take care of the kitchen this way. My mother has not passed away, but I still practice my mother's teachings in the kitchen.

[16:44]

So I'm performing my relationship with my mother because she's not in the room and maybe not in this world anymore. by still performing that relationship, that intimate relationship. Now, you also find out that Zen teachers also recommend the same practice, and you can actually, in some cases, pay homage to your mother at the same time you're paying homage to the Zen ancestors, by performing things in the way that they taught. So they may be dead, but the thing they did when they were alive, you're carrying on. So not only are you carrying on something good, but you're carrying on the goodness of their life. What they did to their practices, which they taught their students, and now you're carrying on their teaching and their life. And in some sense, making their life all the more valuable, because you're celebrating it by performing it, by performing their life.

[17:49]

And they are performing yours, even though they didn't. How does that work? Could you talk more about that? You couldn't perform this teaching unless they gave it to you. So they're performing you. Their teaching is informing and performing you. And that's what they did. So their life, their life activity, is actually not performing you or performed through you. and you are performing them. You're thinking of them when you do the form, but their practice of that form is not transmitted and living in you, so they're actually performing them. But you're also doing it together. So we're actually doing this tradition together with the ancestors, but they're not doing it all by themselves. We have to join it. But we couldn't join it if they hadn't given it. So we have this tradition of of them giving it, us receiving it, and us transmitting it.

[18:59]

But that's what the tradition was for them, too. So we're keeping their tradition, they're keeping their life alive by living the same way they do. Of course, it's different, just like the way you do something today is different from the way you did yesterday. So this is like what you call continuity. A tradition is always changing. It's alive and changing all the time. Now, some things are changing all the time, but people are not performing the change, so they're not touched with the change. So we would like to perform something in such a way that we keep in touch with change. realize this is always a new performance. And that's challenging. Especially in the kitchen where you're not only performing, but you're going to have some attachment to getting the meal done.

[20:04]

And that attachment doesn't go with performing. The tradition is to prepare a meal without attachment to To the person who's doing the meal, to the meal or the people who receive it. But to see how these are all in such a way that there's no attachment. Yet there's a wholehearted general hospital towards this action. And then, not only transmitting the way of cooking, but transmitting the way of cooking with no attachment. Because people do cook meals with attachment, and that seems to just perpetuate suffering. Even though they're serving meals, they're not... The Buddha went teaching people how to live without abiding these people.

[21:13]

When there's a desire for having sexual intimacy in your life, in my life, arises in the midst of practicing intimacy with all beings. The exact desire, but as you said, one doesn't grasp for others' intimacy. Hopefully. Hopefully. Hopefully. Yeah, that's the intention.

[22:47]

So if there's the desire, the main thing is not to turn the attention towards what's desired, but to look at the desire. So while you're desiring something, you practice compassion towards the desire. and then you don't abide in the desire or attach to the desire. Then you realize intimacy with the desire and with the being that you wish to realize intimacy. Now, you may not even touch the person in this story, but you're already feeling intimate with them.

[23:49]

Because you're feeling intimate with them, you don't try to get anything from the person, like a touch. But you may be willing to give a touch from this intimacy. So if I'm intimate with my desire for something, I don't dwell on it. If I don't dwell on it, I realize intimacy. And then from that intimacy, I made kiss. Naturally. I no longer tried to get intimacy. I already have realized it. And I didn't get the intimacy. It was given to me because I was kind to my desire. To have a desire for something and to look to the thing I'm desiring and not take care of the desire, I'll miss out on intimacy.

[24:50]

And then this object of my desire for intimacy will not be able to share with me intimacy, will not be able to realize intimacy with me because I have distracted myself from the intimacy and gone for the object. That's my proposal. What do you say? I'll wrap this up. And if there isn't an object.

[25:58]

If there what? If there's not a person. If there's not a person? Just the desire. Desire for what? To have a physical relationship. Oh, you're obviously very specific. Because that special person has risen. Then the object is the idea of intimacy. There's no particular person I want this with, but it's something I want in my life. Intimacy with a person. You know, perform with our bodies. A bodily practice of intimacy. I want this in my life. There's nobody right now that I have a mind that I want that. That's an object of this desire. And again, if I'm then intimate with that desire, I will realize what I want. I will actually not realize what I want. I will start to notice that that's the kind of physical relationships I have with people. They're already not well written.

[27:03]

This is called the bliss body of Buddha. You start to realize that you're physically intimate with everybody. could include, at some point, touching someone. Or, you know, there's touch, there's also seeing. That's a physical relationship. There's smell, there's hearing. So such a relationship actually could include seeing, smelling, hearing, touching, which is one I often think of, tasting. could include all those physical modalities in sexual intimacy. And in some ways, touch in some ways is the most basic physical sensation. The others are actually modifications of skin.

[28:03]

The organs are modifications of the skin. So in some ways, touch is the most basic physical contact. but we're also touched now by electromagnetic radiation, by mechanical waves, by gases, and by liquids. Those are all laws of sex. Potentially, right? But are we intimate with them? That's the challenge. And that's what we want. We want that intimacy. But we're also because intimacy also means intimacy with our own fear. It's hard to be intimate with another person. It's hard to be intimate with a touch or a sight if I'm not willing to be intimate with my own fear and my own pain and my own attachment.

[29:05]

But if I can be intimate with myself, then I can be intimate with light and sound and touch and taste and smell. You're welcome. Thank you. My question is about the performance of being compassionate towards what is arising in ourselves, especially difficult emotions.

[30:13]

Take, for example, envy. I'm not so familiar with Zen, but I have been exposed to a number of different strains of Buddhism, and there are some different options, and so my question is to seek some clarity. An option would be when envy arises. Instead of attending to it, one could attend to something that instead nourishes happiness. One could smile and say, ah, there's envy. And just smile and be with it. Another one would be... That sounds good. Yeah. Another one would be, I think, what is called Tomlin, where you would really take it in... really take it in and feel it in its distressing aspects, and say, yes, there's this envy, and there are so many games right now, feeling the same thing, then only breathing out, letting that go.

[31:15]

That feels also good. But I guess what I'm feeling now is a more question about another approach, which would be to enter the envy, to get to know what is it from its point of view. So that would be kind of maybe not investing in it, but it would be entering it and saying, ah, of course, Envy, of course, of course you would feel this way, given these conditions that have just arisen. And then, ah, yes, of course, and then something. Sounds good. So, sounds like what you're saying is these are all options. And not necessary. Yes. first thing we do with humanity is not move. First is to be still with it. First is to be still with your guests.

[32:17]

Then you might have to be present with your guests. You might say, how are you feeling? What's it like? What do you mean by that? So the dialogue keeping an unfoldment of compassion towards the, for example, being a guest, or a guest with a new. But first of all, let's be here, rather than, before even writhing, start dying alive. Those are all potential good ways to express compassion that you mentioned. But first, instill. First being still, which means first being human. First being yourself. Don't skip over being yourself and then start interacting with something. First being yourself and then have that person as yourself let that person interact in that compassion.

[33:21]

But if you skip over yourself and start interacting, this person may also feel like they should skip over themselves start interacting. So both of you are checked out and dissociated in trying to do this compassionate dance. That's usually not recommended. The issue is, first of all, let's you be you, me be me, and then let's talk. Thank you very much. jumped up at the end of that question, because I've been trying to form a question since the beginning, and you spoke to it exactly.

[34:25]

And so now that it's so clear, I have to say it right away before it leaves, which is the thing that is arising in me as I try to honor intimacy in my life is anger. Anger is arising a lot, and I've been learning a lesson. that you so beautifully spoke to that you can't demand intimacy. You can't look, you can't demand intimacy from the other. I've had the experience in my life where I have desired intimacy and really did expect others to supply it. And now, after many years of doing this, I fairly recently have gotten that information that I cannot demand intimacy from another human being. And I've had many great lessons, mostly with my daughter, where I don't demand things from her anymore, and I used to, because she grew up, and it was hard when she grew up, and things had to change.

[35:36]

But it's easier for me to deal with the anger when I'm all by myself. I can do the various techniques of Tom Glenn and making peace with what's inside me and feeling the anger, and really feeling the anger and not needing to express what caused it, just feeling the anger, and then eventually I can speak about it. But my question to you here today is, what can be done when you're in a relationship and the ending flashes quickly? And how, typically, my question is, typically what works for me is to withdraw the energy, is to just simply withdraw.

[36:40]

And I find people that I'm working with withdrawing too. Instead, and I don't know, I really don't know how to deal with this, is it needs to be looked at, it needs to be shared. It needs to each need to give something to each other rather than withdraw. And what can be done in those moments of anger flashing and sharing something and giving something instead, and have that not angry expression? Well, first, be still. Be still. Be still. Be still is the first phase of giving. You give the anger to the anger. Not still giving, but right now you're actually still. are here being still with it and saying, okay, anger.

[37:45]

We have anger. I recognize you. I welcome you. I welcome you, and I don't just say that I'm here still, unmovingly receiving you. I receive you, and I give you to you, so you're being generous to me, I'm being generous to you. From that place, you can then give a gift to somebody else that's in the neighborhood. You can say, amazing thing is happening. I'm right full of anger. I offer that to you. And if you really are present that way, they can say, wow, what a gift. But if you're not present with the anger and still, you know, you may come on, then the compassion is derailed.

[38:48]

Then it's hard to take care of the anger, especially if somebody else is nearby, because you also may sense that this is a dangerous thing, and you feel free of that, because they're nearby, and you fear, and you get more angry. So being still in anger doesn't mean freeze, It means be still. It means be completely generous with this and honor it completely with your full presence. And then see if you can say thank you very much. And see if you can be gentle with it. And not try to control it, not try to get rid of it, not try to hold on to it. And then move to the next moment. You'd be still with that. The great fear is, if I say anything like that, the great fear is... Be still, be still with the fear.

[39:55]

If you think about expressing it and you feel fear, be still with the fear. We haven't expressed it yet. We're just thinking of expressing it. And now fear comes up, or I've got another guess. So you're thinking of doing this thing, but one guest is sure of fear. I love fear. I was thinking in coffee, but you need some attention, don't you? Yes, I do. Let me take care of the fear. How do you take care of the fear? You might still be thinking about this thing you're going to do, but you might say, no, not necessarily. And then I call it. Amen. And it will. And because you're still generous and calm with anger, you're still generous with the fear of what might happen if you told anybody about it. Now you might be able to give it as a gift.

[40:57]

You could tell the person, I have a gift I want to give you that I'm afraid to give you and I'm ungrieved. I'm really here with my feeder, and I wanted to know if you want to know about this gift or not. And then I'd say, no, thank you. Maybe later. But then I'd say, yeah, what is it? I'd say, well, I'm full of anger. I'd say, oh, you're transmitting this generosity to them. Topic is not the main issue. Now, they've become afraid, too, but then you transmit it to them with the deal with this. which they may pick up on and they may not, but they don't, and they get angry with their finger, and they have a nice finger you're still with, and to be generous with. And this way, we move forward on the other way. Thank you. Welcome. Rebuilding intimacy in a relationship.

[42:15]

I'm finding it very difficult to reestablish an openness with the person who I live with. What would be your practice? Well, first of all, be still with your inability to... Do you say open? Yes. So you sense... He sensed, you know, your heart closing. He sensed yourself contracting. So be still with the contracting. Welcome the contracting. Say thank you to the contracting. The stillness, the welcoming. And the thank you have already started to open up. Even though the contraction seems to be right there, kind of the same, seems to be pretty much the same contraction as before, this lotus of compassion is growing right up out of a mud of contraction.

[43:17]

And the compassion just keeps growing and growing out of the contraction, the unwillingness to be open Part of the unwillingness to be intimate, you can grow compassion. When the compassion gets strong enough, big enough, the contraction won't be contraction anymore. It will be the basis upon which great compassion has arisen. And that great compassion will relate in an intimate way, will realize intimacy with the thing that the contraction was not able to relate to, without even taking the contraction away. I'm like, I still don't want to be with you. I still don't want to have anything to do with you. I'm completely in love with you. I'm so happy that I get a lot of people I don't want to be with. And you are one of the main people I don't want to be with.

[44:20]

And I'm totally, I'm totally open to you and available to you. I'm just so happy to be with you. somebody who I don't want to be with. I really do want to be with them. We do want to be with everyone, including the people we don't want to be with. We do, because we want to realize that reality. It doesn't mean that the people who annoy us stop annoying us. It just means that we're able to embrace the annoying ones. It means that we really are open to them. even though, perhaps, we're built to be allergic to them. You know, there's just chemical reactions between some people. And that's just the way it is. Positively, negative, or neutral. Various kinds of chemical reactions. How can we be intimate with all these different reactions?

[45:22]

Well, by practicing, studying, the common consciousness, which has the story of retraction and repulsion, and so on. And then not dwelling in it, and so on. Yes? If you grow up with people who accept you the way you are, and who love you and bring you the greatest thing since sliced bread, does that make you more able to be intimate with yourself? Yeah, it actually might help you. That kind of relationship might make it easier. Like the Buddha grew up in a very unabusive environment so that when he actually saw the difficulties that he had sheltered or sheltered from, he wasn't all tough.

[46:26]

So he could get open to them and feel them. He could dare to feel the pain of existence because he was raised in such a kind way. If we were raised roughly, we tend to get tough so that we numb ourselves to the situation. Once we're numb, it's hard to practice intimacy because we distance ourselves from it. We hardly even know what to begin to know. So basically, be kind to yourself and others so that we can be kind to really difficult situations, eventually. It's not exactly unkindness that as you get older you get a disease called old age. I heard this question that a microbiologist said, did you know that some people don't realize that old age is actually a disease?

[47:34]

So it just comes to you naturally if you hang around for a while running some difficulties. And then if you've been practicing kindness towards everything that's been coming to you, you have a chance of being kind to the aging process, of not trying to avoid it. Of not trying to avoid it. But some people are trying to avoid their life before they're old. So, anyway, it's a normal thing for sentient beings to try to avoid their life, to be afraid or shy away from intimacy. So the work of the tradition is to train ourselves and encourage others to be intimate with ourselves. This really helps practice this.

[48:45]

It's not always easy. But, yeah, the people who practice it, I haven't seen them regret. They just say it's hard, occasionally. The message is we're not saying that this is easy, we're just saying this is really what's important.

[49:14]

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