I'm half-hearted in my nervousness. You're not being wholeheartedly nervous? Oh, I'm trying not to be, yeah. Oh. But I have a story that I didn't have. She's trying not to be nervous. Oh, my fella. What a bad luck. I have said that in effort to... Yeah, well, that promotes me to encourage you to be nervous. When you're nervous, that is. Yeah, well, anyway... I had a story come up that I don't think I knew I had until John was talking. I went home from my jukai December 7th. No, we actually drove home only on the 8th because I was ordered by Arlene to not drive home at 12 o'clock that night. And she found a place for us. But anyway, yes, he asked me frequently what it's about, what's going on. And I can't ever tell him.

[01:02]

I feel like he's... Your partner? Yeah, my partner. My dear beloved. And I figured, you know, you have to be there. It's more than any words, and I can't tell you. Maybe I don't understand, but anyway, I can't tell you. And I've had the feeling that he would have to see it in me or somebody else, the way I saw it in another person who was practicing. That's a nice idea. Well, and what happened was, after... He cooks. I wash dishes. Frequently, I don't wash them until the next day. Sometimes about five minutes before he comes home from work. Sometimes maybe five minutes after he comes home because I have a stopping problem. But that night, the 8th of December, I got up after dinner and I washed the dishes and he Wow, what happened to you?

[02:05]

And I said, don't worry, it'll never happen again. I cut my hair in there, but it doesn't happen very often. But that's because I've practiced my not moving articles of dust in my house much too well. I would like to be able to practice that more wholeheartedly. Some of it What? Why am I practicing that? Because I want to do something else. I want to be different, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid, actually. You're a busy lady. You've got a lot of half-hearted projects. Thank you. I don't know what my question is, but... It's being... How are you... Yeah.

[03:07]

Then he'll understand what you're doing here. Yeah. But if you wholeheartedly perform, you're not moving particles of dust. I think that this amazing thing called dishwashing will happen in unprecedented forms. Dishwashing isn't a problem. Aluminum is a problem. Dishwashing isn't a problem. It's an opportunity. Okay. With dishwashing, I see that. Dishwashing is something I can be mindful of that and I'm confident. I actually enjoy dishwashing. I just don't want to get up off the whole stomach and do it right now. My daughter had that problem at New Year's. That's pretty understandable. And so I would encourage you to be wholeheartedly, you know, wholeheartedly not want to wash the dishes when you're not full stomach.

[04:20]

And then? Well, when you're wholehearted, you're not into anything. Oh. Oh. You're into all. Wholeheartedly, I don't want to wash your dishes. And then you go, oh. And then your boyfriend goes, oh. Can I throw this inside your tube? I doubt that. We have dishes here. He doesn't want to wash it. You can wash it. I finished the dishes. Let's go to Jensen and I'll wash some more for you. But not right now. I don't want to wash it. Boy, do I not want to wash these dishes. All right, buddy. I have some confusion.

[05:24]

Boundless? Probably. No fun and no real I am? Well, confusing enough that I'm not sure I can express it articulately. Let's see some confusion, Kate. I wasn't very confused there. If I want to express my love for you... Yeah. And I do it by insulting it. Yeah. Am I wholehearted and straightforward and upright? Well, when you're insulting me, we'll check to see if you're being hard enough to me. It's possible to be half-heartedly insulting. Well, if you didn't do that, you should be trying to. I have a lot of respect for you. He was shot. It's the whole party.

[06:26]

That's the hard part. You haven't answered my question. Really? What did you ask me? I didn't ask you. Am I being upright and wholehearted if I'm confused? Are you confused now? Yes. Do you feel like you're being wholehearted right now? Yes. Do I feel you are? Yes. Or does that matter? Are you wholehearted about wanting to know whether I think you're wholehearted?

[07:32]

Yes, I am. You are wholehearted about wanting to know whether it matters or not, whether I think you're wholehearted. No, I'm wholehearted about wanting to know Whether you think I'm full-hearted. I hear you. And were you trying to get anything when you told me that? I will stop. Well, then you're not full-hearted. I'm still confused. Yeah, well, come back up and see if you can be wholeheartedly confused again. Maybe you can actually be wholeheartedly confused. But when you ask me for something, maybe you don't know how confused you can be into that request. But for me, it's pretty easy to check, which I do.

[08:37]

Were you trying to get anything in that request? And when you say, yes, I say, well, take note your word. I say, no, that's not wholehearted. And you can tell the difference. You can usually look and see the difference between asking me for some response and trying to get it, and asking me for a response as a gift you need. You can just look and see. I can ask you with my words, why not? If you tell me that you're, if in fact you were doing that, then that's okay. And everything you do here at Green Gulch, you're a work leader, all the things you're doing to take care of people, each one of those things you can look at to see if you're trying to get me. If you are, without even asking me, I would say you're investing your whole heart in this. But you might actually ask somebody to do something around here without trying to get a response. You might say, I would like a response from you, and you could say that to somebody without trying to get it.

[09:41]

You might be able to find that this afternoon. Or you might say, I actually was trying to get something, and I was holding back just really giving this wonderful gift over to someone. It's OK. It's OK. Confusion goes away sometimes. So... Earlier in the class, earlier in the morning's discussion, I had just enormous, enormous feelings come up. I think there was shame that we should be talking so calmly about war and emptiness with the suffering that's going on.

[10:51]

And I felt the danger, you know, the horrible danger of emptiness talk. You know, that's actually good to think horrific things. And I just, I thought, I wanted you to just stop talking that way with that tone of voice as if it isn't as fun to talk about pain and danger. I just, I was like beside myself, I was gonna leave the class you know to talk to a mother whose child's just been blown apart about painted war right anyway so this even though i understand that we have to understand this in order for her to stop but i just was so ashamed kind of of us of me sitting calmly and listening to this um Anyway, so I wanted to express that, and I got to a dispassionate enough place, I think, to try.

[12:03]

You got to a place, in fact, that you did. Before that, you were thinking of things like making a class, you know? And there was a lot of Just the tones of people's voices, I just couldn't stand it. You know, I thought we should actually all be down on the floor chanting the Enmei Juku. We want to do anything. That's one thing we could do. Enmei Juku [...] Thank you.

[13:10]

Thank you for watching. I'm sitting on an education meeting and I'm waiting for the patient. I'm sitting on an appeal with a picture of a picture of a lady. I'm sitting on a picture of a lady. I'm sitting on an education meeting and I'm waiting for the patient. Thank you. I don't know.

[14:37]

Thank you. Thank you for watching. See you next time. Thank you for watching. Thank you. [...] I love you.

[16:22]

I love you. [...] You're shaking it and it's gonna leave you. I'm saying I'm down a little bit too early. You're a little bit too late. We'll talk soon. You're looking at your children. I'm saying I'm over it. How do you say, how do you say, how do you say, Our intention, equally extended to every being and place, is to ensure that the power of God is restrained.

[17:33]

We need to serve God at every purpose. I will never allow God but to save them. Vigilations are very exhaustible. Thank you. [...] Speaking of performing ceremonies, there's been a request for some response to this war situation. I think there was actually a request for a ceremonial response or for including that in our ceremonies, different ways of putting it.

[18:40]

So one thing we often do in a situation like this is chant this verse in which we just chanted and then dedicate the merit of the recitation to the situation that we're concerned about. But perhaps in this situation we're in now with this, we might be able to do something different. So if people have some other ideas besides that kind of simple ceremony, which we usually do, I would welcome your creative input into something different than we usually can do. But maybe with the flexibility of this schedule, I might be able to do something different. So I welcome your input. You can tell me face-to-face or with a note. But also, you know, we could also discuss it in the group, too, at our next class or whatever.

[19:47]

So I welcome that. Thank you. A moment of calculation. Okay, so the con will start at 5 minutes to 11, which means there will be one period of Zazen with an interval, one long period of Zazen with an interval, though. The serving crew can enter at the interval. That will be exactly when the interval will be. Let's see. 10 after it would be at... Math... Okay, well, we'll do a 25-minute period, then a 5-minute interval, then a 20-minute period. So that would be at 11.35.

[20:37]

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