So, what I'd like to do is talk a little bit about our practice and about Sesshin practice and touch in on some instruction that is given by our ancestor Dogen Zenji, who's up there always looking over our shoulder. One ancestor looking over this shoulder and Suzuki Roshi looking over the other shoulder. And hopefully not talk for too long, but actually leave you questions, leave you time for questions and for discussion. The idea is to give you a sense, a taste of Sesshin and an opportunity to sink into our practice more deeply. I was thinking this morning, my first experience of Sesshin was as an outsider coming in to

[01:09]

afternoon Zazen during Rohatsu Sesshin in the early 80s and I'd been coming very steadily in the afternoon and there were people that I knew and I knew what the Zendo felt like in the afternoon and I came in, I think the end of the first day of Rohatsu Sesshin, which I wasn't sitting because I was too new and I was scared to do it. And coming in the afternoon, I was like, oh, there's something else going on here. You know, just the energy was quite different and kind of intensified and somehow all of the places in the Zendo had already found a kind of lived in look and it was very strong. And I told myself at that moment that the next time there was an opportunity to do this,

[02:13]

I was going to do it. And I did. I kept doing that over the last more than 30 years. And this is very unusual. I was saying this to our lay ordination group yesterday. There are very few places in the world that I know of where the practice is continuous over and people come over a period of decades of 10, 20, 30 years or more. Usually, intensive practice, as it's defined, is a practice for monks and nuns. And lay people's opportunities are to serve them, to provide their requisites and their

[03:17]

food and support the monks and nuns who are continuing the practice for all beings. But the practice that we've been given, particularly by the Japanese teachers who came here, was we have to support the practice. We have to do it for ourselves and all beings. And so it's quite extraordinary that we have, if you look around the room on any given day, you'll see people who've been practicing for a very long time and who have integrated that into their daily life and just continue to do that and continue to do tzat-shin, which is, you know, I don't think it was a practice that was designed for

[04:20]

people in their 50s or 60s or 70s, but that's what we're doing. And we have an 85-year-old abbot who, that's his idea of practice, and he will do that. We'll all do it until we can't and then we'll have to find something else to do. To do what the effort of tzat-shin is, the meaning of the word tzat-shin is to touch the mind. And so our aspiration is to touch the mind, to learn how to do that, to use this environment and this kind of form of practice as a way of facilitating our ability to touch the mind, but to touch, to be able to touch the mind in any moment of our life.

[05:29]

Not just, it's not just something that is like some special thing you do when you come to the zendo. It's more like the zendo is a way to support you to learn how to do something that you can do continuously and bring both your effort and your sense of the deep stillness to the middle of each activity. So this is what we offer here. We had a board retreat last Sunday for the BZC board and we went around and people spoke of where they're at in their practice, where they're at in the context of the community. And one of the things that was articulated very clearly, and it's

[06:39]

somehow this is not a great revelation, but it really struck me that what we offer, the center of what we offer here is Zazen. And the venues for that are just daily Zazen in the morning, in the evening. It's our Saturday program. It's our Wednesday evening program and it's Sashin. And everything else is organized in such a way as to support the practice of Zazen. So, we have classes that can deepen one's understanding. We have discussion groups. We have a meeting with a teacher. All of that is designed to deepen and support

[07:55]

our understanding of practice. And that's the core. That's sort of day in, day out. That's what we offer here. And it's actually, that offering is kind of unique. And that offering is something that you are helping and supporting by being here. There are many great needs in our world. And so many things that we need to attend to. But at the same time, we have to attend to our own minds and bodies if we're going to be effective in putting our attention on anything else. And the form that we do that, which is also useful,

[09:03]

is in the context of community, of sitting together. So, the emphasis in our practice is coming to the Zendo together and sitting. If you have to sit at home, great, that's fine. But if you can come to the Zendo, you should come to the Zendo. And that's how we build community. And sometimes it takes a long time to know people. We may sit next to someone for sort of month after month and feel, well, I don't really know that person the way in the conventional reality I would want to know someone. You don't know their family situation, their work, their thoughts about the world.

[10:04]

What you kind of know when you're sitting next to somebody is like how they breathe, how they grimace when they get up from satsang. And you learn a lot of very intimate physical things, which is also important. And then gradually we actually get to know each other's story and something about each other's lives. But we take the long view. It's not that it's unimportant. It's just not necessarily the central thing that we're doing. So, you know, to read you a little, there's a fascicle of Dogens called Fukan Zazengi, which is his instruction for Zazen

[11:09]

and his kind of framework for why we do this practice. And he begins in a sort of challenging way. By asking that question, he says, the way is basically perfect and all-pervading. In other words, everything is perfect the way it is. So how could it be contingent upon practice and realization? If everything is perfect, why do we have to bother to do Zazen? The dorm of vehicle is free and untrammeled. What need is there for concentrated effort? So it's kind of another take at the same question. Indeed, the whole body is far beyond the world's dust. Who could believe in a means to brush it clean? So there's a nuntrum in that, you know, it's like everything is clean, everything is perfect. So if it's that way, how could you brush the dust

[12:16]

away if there's no dust? It is never apart from one right where one is. What's the use of going off here and there to practice? And then he says, and yet, if there's the slightest discrepancy, you know, if the smallest doubt creeps into your mind, or the smallest anxiety, or the smallest sense of difference, the way is as distant as heaven from earth. If the least like or dislike arises, the mind is lost in confusion. And then a little later he says, he kind of says, therefore, cease from practice based on

[13:20]

intellectual understanding, pursuing words and following after speech. So it's not about what we study. It's not about what we hear. It's not about words and sounds. He says, learn the backward step that turns your light inwardly to illuminate yourself. So there's a very powerful internal reflection that we are encouraged to cultivate, to shine our light, to take a step back. And here, when we come into Zen, we're taking a step back. It's generally quiet here. It's generally safe here. You know, we manifest that sense of safety by facing the wall, which is a very trusting position.

[14:28]

And facing the wall, we face the wall of ourselves, and that's where we are reflecting inward, gives us a place to shine that light inward and illuminate oneself. And as you do that, you create the conditions for body and mind to drop away. And your original face will be manifest. Who you really are, you'll have an opportunity to see. If you want to attain suchness, if you want to wake up, you should wake up without delay. So this is also informed by this notion that's very important in our tradition of Zen. In many traditions of Buddhism, you will hear about the

[15:42]

striving for enlightenment as a kind of motor of your practice. And it's not that that's completely wrong, but Dogen posits another way to look at the reality that we're in. And this is something that's at the heart of our practice. It's kind of a medicine to counteract this striving energy that we've been taught, or the notion that we have about awakening, or the notion that we have that there's something really wrong with us. He called this practice realization. And in other words, the purpose of our practice is not to become or gain something called enlightenment,

[16:52]

whatever that means. But in practice realization, you sit down because you're already enlightened enough to know that that is the expression of enlightenment. So we sit down to express our enlightenment, even though we may just dimly see it or trust it. And yet we do. So practicing enlightenment in the Zendo means just sitting Zazen for the sake of Zazen and letting go of self-interest or goals. And they will arise when they rise to set them aside.

[17:54]

When I sit Sesshin, it's good to sit multi-day sittings, multi-day Sesshins. But it's also good to sit a one-day sitting, but it's hard. And, you know, very often, and I've been doing this for a long time, just the first hours or the first day of Sesshin, I will wonder, what am I doing here? And like, how do I get out of here? You know, not so much because my legs are painful, but really because my mind, myself, is painful. You know, it's like, I'm not ready to sit still now. I have to really settle into that place. I've done this enough so that I know that this is the passage that I have to endure and go through,

[19:10]

and I trust it. But I also, look, I don't assume that everyone is having the same experience, but I know from talking to people that it's not so unusual. At that moment, I feel very far away from something called enlightenment. And yet, my effort, you know, is to persist out of experience, out of faith, out of respect for the group that's sitting together, because this is something that we are doing together. And out of a faith in the nature of impermanence, which means however I feel it, this particular moment is not necessarily how I'm going to feel

[20:18]

two hours from now, and actually to watch that. So that's also taking the backward step and turning the light inward. So watching all the processes that go on within oneself. And it's quiet enough in here, still enough, so that you can actually get a glimpse of that. And this is our training. We train in the intensity of that stillness, in the intensity of the form of sitting upright. And that's an awareness and a skill set that we can bring into the wider field of our activities. And so Zazen spreads out from, like a pool of water, it spreads out from that center. Ever spreading.

[21:20]

And we come to it by ourselves. And how we come to it is often mysterious. I mean, if we had time, it'd be interesting to go around the room and just see how did each one of us arrive here. There's some yearning, there's some belief, there's some idea, there's some intention that's known or unknown. And there's some motivation to benefit all beings, which include ourselves. And we recognize also, nobody is chaining us to our

[22:26]

cushions here. Anybody can walk out at any time. So why do we stay? And the other thing, I often think of Sojin Roshi's first session, which was at the old San Francisco Zen Center on Sokoji with Suzuki Roshi. I think he sat for the morning and I think it was painful on a number of different levels, physical and emotional. And so he left. And he went out to the marina in San Francisco and walked around the marina and realized that there was no escape. And so he went back and finished the day. I can really understand that.

[23:45]

So, I don't know if I need to say much more. One thing, there's one other piece in Fukunza Zenki that I want to comment on. A lot of it is just the basic Zazen instruction. And there's a section towards the end where he says, the Zazen I speak of is not learning meditation. It's simply the Dharma gate of repose and bliss. Now, I hope that that's what you experience. It took me a long time before I had some sense of

[24:53]

repose and bliss in my Zazen. But actually, that's what it feels like now. But I had to take it on faith. And I also said, really? My legs are excruciatingly painful. My mind won't leave me alone. If this is repose, kill me now. Can you read that again? Yes. The Zazen I speak of is not learning meditation. It is simply the Dharma gate of repose and bliss. The practice realization of totally culminated enlightenment. It is the manifestation of ultimate reality. Traps and snares can never reach it. Once, this is quite beautiful, once its heart is grasped,

[25:57]

you are like the dragon when he gains the water, like the tiger when she enters the mountain. So, within this Zazen mind that, when he says it's not learning meditation, it's like not learning a special activity that you only do at a special time and a special place. You let it flow out into all of the aspects of your life. You have to learn it in a concentrated way. But once you do, then it's all pervading. And it gives you strength. And I can only say, you can take, I took it on faith because I looked around here, particularly, when I was a new student and saw people that were

[27:00]

diligently practicing and felt like, well, there's, look at these people, there's got to be something there. And thinking, I want to be like them. I did not presume that they were born that way. And I think that's what Dogon is. The practice realization, the enlightenment that leads us to practice also leads to a deeper awareness and a deeper involvement with the entire world that's inside and outside us. So, this has been somewhat abstract and I wanted to leave time for questions about this or about anything in particular that we're doing here today. So the floor is open. Yes.

[28:04]

I wanted to ask you about eyes open versus eyes closed. Mm hmm. It seems like there are two different experiences for me. And when I sit here and get a thousand instructions, it's really with eyes open. Yeah, it's generally with eyes somewhat open, not wide open. Again, it's not looking, it's just, and there's an effort. It's really easy to keep your eyes closed. It's not so easy to keep your eyes slightly open. I think just on a physiological level, it's you get less sleepy.

[29:05]

But even if you're not directly sleeping, with your eyes closed, it's easy to kind of drift and dream. With your eyes open, you're more attuned to what's going on. Again, to the receptivity of your senses. So that's, it's not that eyes closed are wrong or bad. It's just, if you can make the effort to keep your eyes slightly open. Yes. So I find that when I hold my hands like this in the posture that's instructed, that it's distracting and uncomfortable. And I understand that there is, there can be a benefit to experiencing

[30:10]

those kinds of feelings and sensations. But I find that it just, it's more silent. I have more silence. I experience more silence when I don't do that. It's more natural. Yeah. Well, it's just, I'm not going to make a pitch for that that's the best way. It's just the way that we've been taught. So what I strive to do is to find a way and a location in my body that this is comfortable. So it's not, it's not like I'm holding it. Some people, there's some more particular instructions where you,

[31:11]

you know, it's basically you're sort of holding your arms up. I rather relax it in my lap. Uh, and, uh, that's, that's all I can say. I mean, the effort that we do is, the effort that we make is to do things together. And even though each person has his or her own body, to the extent that we say, try this form, uh, and we share it, that's, that's what we try to do. Uh, but there are other, uh, you know, in other Zen traditions, they, they have other ways of holding their hands. Were you going to say something, Terri? Well, when I was taught, I was taught that you needed to, you should have your mudra over your hara. Yeah. And many people think that that has an energy. Yeah.

[32:12]

That actually changes your energy. Um, and so sometimes to do that, you have to put a, you know, a cushion on your, you know, an extra pillow. That's true. To rest your arm or something so that you can keep your hands in that place. But what you don't want to be doing is like holding it, holding your arms up. You know, that's going to, that's going to cause a really artificial tension in your, in your shoulders. So, you know, you can rest in your lap or against your belly or, uh, or have a small support cushion under your hands, but try different things. Yeah. You made an interesting point about we do it together. Uh, I'm a lifetime sort of non-conformist really. And, uh, submitting to Zabuja or submitting to any of the things that we're doing actually pushes me into a place of, well, release.

[33:14]

If I actually get there and open this, if I get there, uh, instead of fighting for me, that actually, when you say we do it together, what do you mean? Um, yeah, in a way, uh, it's, I think this is one of the things that's really unique about the, about the Japanese tradition, uh, particularly as it's, as it's manifest in the West. Uh, because it's not an enforced togetherness. It's not, uh, we're not, we're not trying to transmit a kind of martial feeling here. And, and you will get that from some Japanese Zen. Uh, but the idea of doing things, uh, together as a, you know, you know, in a collective way, uh, is quite wonderful. Uh, and we also encounter our resistances, uh, as you're, as you're describing.

[34:22]

Um, so again, it's just a lot of times when people would ask Suzuki Roshi about particular forms, he would say, well, I don't know. This is just the way we do it. Uh, and, you know, there may be something slightly disingenuous about that, but, uh, I tried to do that. And I also know that within, um, within that, uh, sameness or that, that collaborative or community feeling each individual is, uh, also expressing his or her, her own mind and way. You know, it's like learning other, any other, I really experienced this as a musician. Uh, I have been playing different forms of traditional music, traditional American music

[35:31]

for a long time. And, uh, it's very clear to me, you know, I've tried to learn the forms as carefully as I could. Uh, and I associate with people who do the same thing. And the more, the deeper you get into those forms, the more you use them as a, uh, you can use them as a, as a mode of personal expression. So the farther you get into the form, the more personal you make it. So it's a conundrum. The more your individuality expresses itself. So how do you carry this, um, this posture?

[36:32]

Uh, I don't know when you're sitting in a car or on a bus or on a train or walking around needing to get somewhere by a certain time. Yeah. There's a question I was given by my teacher that continues to ring in my ears. Uh, and this is how you, this is how you do it. It's like, where are my feet? That is a question you can ask yourself anytime. If you're sitting in a chair, uh, if you're walking, if you're standing, just take a moment and direct your attention to your feet and see how are they contacting the ground? How is your weight arranged? What is, you know, what is your overall posture like and what is it saying to others?

[37:38]

And it all begins at the feet. So that's been a, that's been a really rich practice for me. Really helpful. Um, so that's, that's something that you could do. It's, it's, you know, in a way it's, it's the very concretization of this kind of Zen question. Where am I? You know, it's like, well, let's begin with my feet. You know, because if I don't know where they are, I'm very unlikely to know where the rest of it is. So that's a, that's a way that you can do that. Yes. Within Zazen, is there room to cultivate metta or compassion,

[38:39]

or does that come naturally from just sitting? Both. Uh, you know, uh, the thing about Zazen is, uh, at least to my way of thinking is Zazen includes everything. It includes, there's space in it for every practice, uh, for every feeling, every sensation. As a general rule, we'd let it be really open and wide, receptive. If there are conditions and circumstances in which, uh, you might want to use metta as a particular practice.

[39:39]

Have you done that? So you're coming from a vipassana? I just did a Sunday meditation retreat. With whom? Um, Donald Rothenberg, um, Heather Sun, um, Sun Dune, Spirit Rock. Yeah, yeah. Um, so yeah, it's a wonderful practice. Uh, and you know, you should have the flexibility of mind to know what the appropriate practice is at any, at any given moment. Uh, metta is both a specific practice and it's also uh, a cast of mind by which one meets others and meets the rest of the world. But you know, there are times when metta is exactly what you need to do. Uh, and if you perceive it that way, that's what you should do. Uh, the thing is that nobody is going to tell you

[40:44]

what you're supposed to be, what you must be doing with your mind. Uh, I would generally advise this open, so an open awareness. Uh, but metta actually cultivates an open receptive awareness, a receptivity to everyone. One of the expressions that, that I like that, uh, a teacher I work with, uh, uh, Roshi Joan Halifax uses a lot, uh, is strong back, soft front. You know, so back is strong. It's giving you energy to stand up, to sit up.

[41:50]

And the soft front is the place of receptivity, undefendedness, the generative space of love. So yeah, I think you should do it as you feel called to do it. Yeah. Um, I remember once I encountered in one of, to this point, one of Suzuki Roshi's talks, he said, uh, when you sit thoughts in cultivate a one feeling towards yourself. And that's the same for me. And this, it was part of his instruction. I said, when you sit thoughts, and you should, because then I, that was a revelation to me, because I had sat for years, beating the crap out of myself. And when I read that, I said, oh, I don't do that. I like that. It changed my whole experience of sitting. It sounds like a metta.

[42:52]

Yeah, I think it is. I think it's really easy to see it, to see it that way. And he says this over and over again, to have, you should have a warm feeling towards yourself. You should have a warm feeling in your zazen. And I think that he's saying that in a sense, because probably in his training, he had, he encountered a lot of circumstances under which a warm feeling was not what was being taught. And that's really the feeling of our school and our approach. And one thing I would also encourage you to do is share your practice. Meet with someone who's a teacher. Meet with me or meet with Sochen or meet with one of the senior students in practice discussion or dokasan. And it's a way to begin to develop a relationship and a sense of mutual accountability.

[44:04]

And also to be able to check and explore your practice more deeply with someone, so that you're not just carrying everything around in your head, but you're actually discovering it in reflection and getting some, being brave enough to get some feedback. And also to avail yourself an opportunity to answer questions. So I have a sign up on the porch there with slots and so does Sochen. And I think that my email and the senior students' emails are there. And if you can't find a slot, you should email one of us. Jerry's one of them. And others that you might know in this community. So it's really good to talk with someone.

[45:05]

I just wanted to respond to the idea of does or does this practice need you to feel loving or compassion? And what I think happens when you drop away body and mind and you're in a space practicing with other people, is that your sense of ego boundaries dissolve and you feel a oneness and connection with other people. And Thich Nhat Hanh always says, when you get that feeling of oneness and connection with all beings, then you have to be compassionate. Compassion naturally arises. It just wells up from that place of letting go of your separateness. And that always inspired me because it's kind of like, well, how can you can't really be selfish once you realize that I'm connected with everybody and that we're all in the

[46:10]

same thing together. You just naturally feel some warmth. Yeah. And it works really good in silence. And then when we begin to speak, we find ourselves deeply in touch with our conditionality. You know, I remember hearing someone interviewed on the radio talking about the unconditional love between a parent and a child. And they said, well, you know, when does that end? When they start talking. When they learn the word no. That's starting time.

[47:11]

Right. That's exactly right. You know, so this is the wonderful thing that we're doing where, you know, we are forging our relationships in deep connection. And really seeing that as we sit. And everybody has the same. It's one of the things that's great about Sishin is like, even though each person has their own motivation, we have the same, we're doing the same activity. And so the connection is very deep. And yet, inevitably, we're face to face with our differences. And we're face to face with our likes and dislikes, even though we're not supposed to have likes and dislikes.

[48:12]

It's inevitable. Ah, but you have something to rely on. You know, you can this is the other word for the other way of translating mindfulness is in it as recollection or remembrance. So when differences arise, we have the capacity based on our training to. Recollect our connection to remember our connection, you know, and not to be. Not to believe that differences are the defining aspect. So that's really important. That's one of the treasures. That's why Sangha is a treasure.

[49:13]

We have time for one or two more questions. Yes, I find it. I often I'm sitting and I know the emphasis is consciously, mindfully return to the mindfulness of the body and the breath. And there are definitely a few occasions where I find myself lost in a story and kind of know that the practice is to come back. But I sort of say, well, maybe I'll hang out in the story for a few more minutes. And and I feel like my effort and my diligence to to return and be present and count to either just be present with each breath or 10 breaths or whatever is kind of weaker and weaker. And I kind of just like it. I can maintain the posture, but the staying in the distracted thought, it's a little bit more enticing and more. More comfortable, shocking, terribly shocking. I'm appalled. I never heard anyone say anything like that. Who is the boss?

[50:21]

That's really the question. So Suzuki Roshi said, you'll be the boss of you. Uh, and just see how it's when. When that happens to me, I've come to a point where I'm amused, you know, I'm amused by the that slippery quality of my mind and I don't I can't say that I fully succeed in in setting that aside. But the tricky thing is that that is also the working of your Buddha mind. And you have to ask yourself, do I want to stay here or not? What is my intention? There's nothing else to do because there really is nobody else calling the shots.

[51:26]

But we're admonished again and again. That life is short, don't waste time. Which means to me. If I set an intention, I should try to follow through. And I also have learned. If that story is really important. I'll remember it and I'll return to it at a time when it's my intention just to explore. But really, and I think this is the practice of Zazen, but it's also very much practice of Zazen is, you know, who's running the show? Anyone else before we close?

[52:39]

Well, we will have time for also for kind of open discussion over over tea, so perhaps more things will occur to you. And we'll close now with the four bodhisattva vows as we usually close lecture. And then maybe Jerry could give instruction. Can you? Well, they're going to be doing outdoor. So maybe you should do instruction. What if we do indoor Kenyan? We just did outdoor Kenyan. Yeah, that's fine. Right. Let's try that. OK. OK. Thank you very much.

[53:31]

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