Hmm. Thirty four. That's a young lady. And Karen was a head since some years ago. I don't know what year that was. And for a practice period. of wondering things of which life brings, you know, not a haven of homeless and insane and difficult people.

[01:14]

This has been a maturing process in the fact that we still have spent many, many years in this profession. And I should be telling you all the tales. You will be very impressed. I think you can write a book. This is a process of writing a book about adventure. Keep track of my memoirs. Thank you so much. Not surprisingly or not surprisingly, you hit on the exact subject I was going to talk about. And first, I'd like to say that I'm really happy to see the kids here today and that it's Kidsendo. And I'd like to start off with a story.

[02:16]

And the story has a lot of pictures in them. So I was wondering if some of the kids would like to come up here and sit closer to me so you can see the pictures. Because it's going to be very hard to see them from where you are. So would any of you like to come up and just kind of... Yeah, thank you. Great, you can just sit right there. Yeah. And you two, if you'd like to, you can come up right here and you'll be able to see the pictures. Great. Great. I've got some younger Bodhisattvas keeping me company here. So this book is called, Because Brian Hugged His Mother. So I'm going to read this and then we're going to talk about the meaning of it.

[03:20]

So, Brian woke up feeling great. He ran into the kitchen, gave his mother a kiss and a great big hug. I love you, Mom. You're the best mom in the whole world. Brian's mother felt loved and appreciated. Because Brian's mother was feeling loved and appreciated, she made Brian and his sister, Joanna, their favorite breakfast of waffles with peanut butter and whipped cream on top. I'm so glad you're my children. You bring me so much happiness. Brian and Joanna felt loved and cherished. This is what we're looking at here. Because Joanna was feeling loved and cherished, she helped her teacher, Mr. Emerson, get the classroom ready for school. I like helping you, Mr. Emerson. You're a good teacher. You make learning fun.

[04:24]

Mr. Emerson felt competent and successful. Mr. Emerson was feeling competent and successful. And because of that, he made Ms. Sanchez, the new principal, a banner for her birthday. Happy birthday. Ms. Sanchez, we're so glad you came to our school. Ms. Sanchez felt wanted and accepted. Because Ms. Sanchez was feeling wanted and accepted, she was especially patient with Loretta, who had been sent to the office for bringing a jar of her dog's fleas to school and accidentally letting her go. It's okay, Loretta. Next time, ask your teacher before bringing insects to school, even if they are your pets. Loretta felt understood and a little bit itchy.

[05:25]

Because Loretta was feeling understood, she didn't tease Richard when she noticed his pants were unzipped. Instead, she whispered in his ear as she passed him, X, Y, Z. And that, of course, means examine your zipper. Richard rushed into the bathroom to zip up. He felt relieved that Loretta hadn't teased him or told the other girls. Richard was still feeling relieved when he saw his little brother, Eddie, who was in kindergarten waiting for the bus. Richard didn't mention that Eddie's shoes were on the wrong feet and his shirt was buttoned, lopsided. I really like your picture, Eddie. You did a great job. Eddie felt proud and grown up. Because Eddie was feeling proud and grown up, he gave Miss Wong, the bus driver, the picture he had painted. This is for you, Miss Wong. You always say hello to me and you don't get upset when I'm a little late.

[06:32]

Miss Wong felt respected and appreciated. Because Miss Wong was feeling respected and appreciated, she let a large truck that had been waiting in traffic for a long time get in front of the bus. The truck driver smiled and waved. Because the truck driver was feeling thankful, he helped the stock clerk at the market unload the truck. You look like you've had a long day. Let me help you unload. The stock clerk felt grateful and encouraged. Because the stock clerk was feeling grateful and encouraged, He gave Mrs. Johnson some free cans of dog food when she picked up a special order of cheese-covered mouse tails for her cat, Tiffany. These cans have dents, but they're still good. We appreciate you shopping here. You're one of our friendliest customers.

[07:33]

Mrs. Johnson felt valued. Because Mrs. Johnson felt valued, she let her dog, Jumbo, watch his favorite video, Super Dogs, when she got home. Have a good time, Jumbo. But don't bark too loud. Last time the neighbors complained, Jumbo felt excited and happy. Because Jumbo was happily watching his video, he didn't tease Tiffany when she came in to lie by the fire. Tiffany felt content and peaceful as she relaxed by the fire. Because Tiffany was feeling content and peaceful, she jumped up on Mrs. Gunderson's lap when she came to visit. Just listen to her purr. Tiffany seems unusually friendly today. Sometimes she doesn't even let me pet her. Mrs. Gunderson felt pleased and accepted. Because Mrs. Gunderson was feeling pleased and accepted, she was understanding when her mechanic called with bad news about her car.

[08:41]

I was hoping I wouldn't have to replace the brakes, but if you say they need it, I know they do. The mechanic felt respected and trusted. Because the mechanic was feeling respected and trusted, he remembered to thank the mail carrier when he delivered the mail. I can't thank you enough for leaving that package next door yesterday when I wasn't here. If I hadn't had that car part, I might have lost a good customer. You're the best mail carrier we've ever had." The mail carrier felt efficient and capable. Because the mail carrier was feeling efficient and capable, he remembered to compliment the baker when he delivered her mail. That cake he made for my daughter's birthday was delicious. Everybody just loved how you made it in the shape of a drum set. The baker felt talented and artistic. Because the baker was feeling masterful and creative, he fixed Officer Williamson her favorite meal of eggplant zucchini.

[09:48]

Yeah, there's the chef. But wasn't it supposed to be the baker? Uh, maybe I missed a page. Well, the baker becomes the chef, I think. Oh, wait a minute. You're right. I'm glad you're here. Because the baker was feeling talented and artistic, she took her dentist some tasty carrot and raisin bran muffins when she went for her checkup. I really appreciate the great job you do keeping my teeth and gums healthy and looking nice. Her dentist felt valued and professional. Because the dentist was feeling valued and professional, she told the chef at the restaurant how good her dinner had been. That was the best split pea and lima bean soup I have ever had. You're such a treasure. I'm so glad I discovered your restaurant. The chef felt masterful and creative. Because the chef was feeling masterful and creative, he fixed Officer Williamson her favorite meal of eggplant, zucchini, and cauliflower when she came in on her dinner break.

[11:01]

I also made your favorite dessert. It's my way of saying thank you for keeping our city safe. Officer Williamson felt supported and honored. Because Officer Williamson was feeling supported and honored, She didn't give Brian's father a ticket when she stopped him for speeding. I'll just give you a warning this time, but you should slow down or you're going to have an accident. Brian's father felt grateful and relieved. Because Brian's father was feeling grateful and relieved, he only gave Brian's older brother, Steve, a warning when he saw him riding his skateboard in the street. If you ride in the street again, you'll lose your skateboard for a week. I'm very worried that you might get hit by a car. Later that evening, Brian's dad took an extra long time with Brian. They read two books and talked about the day.

[12:04]

It's so great to have you as my son. You're such an important part of my life, his father said, giving Brian a long hug. Brian felt loved and treasured. Because Brian went to sleep feeling loved and treasured, he had pleasant dreams and slept wonderfully. When he woke up the next morning, he felt great. He ran into the kitchen and, well, you know what he did. That's right. That's right. You can pass that around. So I'd like to ask the kids, what do you think the meaning of the story is? Um, be nice to people. Anything else? Because that would make people happy.

[13:07]

Mm-hmm. If someone does something nice, then there might be a whole family action. Yes. There's kind of a ripple effect. to being kind, even though it's a small thing, it might be a small little kindness towards one person, it may actually expand outward into the world. How have you felt when someone's been kind to you? Happy. What about you guys back there? How do you feel when someone's been kind to you? I don't remember. What about being kind to somebody else? I don't remember either. I bet you've done it though. You may not remember but probably have. What do you think?

[14:12]

What does it feel like to be kind to somebody else? I feel better after you've been kind to someone. Do you ever think that you can be kind when you don't feel? When you're not in a good mood? That's kind of hard. It is. Have you ever been in a situation where you weren't in a good mood or maybe somebody had been mean to you If someone's mean to you, do you feel like being mean back? Well, it's hard to feel kind towards them. Yeah. Oh, it's hard to feel kind towards them.

[15:12]

Have you ever tried anyway? Yeah. And how did that feel? I can't really remember. Well, I'm going to leave this book for you to look at. actually see the pictures. Well, this story leads into really what I wanted to talk about today.

[17:00]

And Sojin really led into it. And it's really about how to how to work with ill will and reactivity in an environment that is difficult. And I do work at San Francisco Public Library and it's been kind of the center of my practice. And some people compared it to a six-floor homeless shelter with books in it. It's a great library and But really what I'm dealing with most of the day is working with very difficult people and feeling, feeling assaulted. I can't think of a better word, but often daily life feels like an assault.

[18:04]

And I actually think that I'm not alone in that and that other people probably think about this in terms of practice and having a busy life out in the world. how you work with that, and I just wanted to give some examples to start off. You know, a couple years ago, there was a whole story about some stabbings that happened on the Muni, that a man had stabbed three women and a young boy. And it was a big story in the Chronicle and all that, and then with my co-workers, You know, we opened the newspaper and saw the picture of the suspect. And who was he but a regular guy that we had on our floor every day. Who we didn't really trust, but that's who we had. And then the other night, I was closing up.

[19:06]

Often I'm in charge of the entire building, especially in the evenings or on the weekend. And the last thing that happened this past Thursday night was that there was a man going around screaming his head off violently, running throughout the whole library, talking about how much he hated women. And, you know, we had to call the security guard and we had three guards up there hauling him out. But, you know, it's the kind of situation where one can. be in a very reactive state. I'm anxious. You just kind of want to yell at people. So, and this and then on a daily basis, okay, I do this five days a week. And it's a nine hour day. So basically, you know that this chronic feeling of anxiety and

[20:10]

ill will at times can be a downward spiral and it can kind of lose respect for yourself and other people and obviously with the practice that we do we don't want to do that so really what my question is that's been bothering me for so long is how to change this mind state and so much of I feel very fortunate in that the Buddha taught this very thing about how to work with more different states of mind which is what I really want to talk about today. I'm sure that many of you have heard of these practices but what I want to talk about is really the Brahma Viharas and the Brahma Vihara translates into Brahma means divine or heavenly and vihara means abode.

[21:17]

Okay, a place where you reside, where you live. And he taught four, there are four of these mind states. And I'm just going to say what they are. I'm not going to go into a great bit of detail about each one, but I'll say what they are. So the first one is called loving kindness. And the second one is compassion. And the third one is sympathetic joy. And the fourth one is equanimity. And all of these are, they each involve really not having attachment. or repulsions or indifference. So love is not like an affection kind of love, but it's more like a selfless love and sense of wanting well-being for all people.

[22:19]

So, and what I really like about this is that these are attitudes that we can cultivate. So, so the book, so we chant here every Monday morning, the Metta Sutta, which many of you are familiar with, where we basically say, may all beings be happy. And we chant, I'm just going to read just a few sentences of it, may all beings be at ease. Let none deceive another or despise any being in any state. Let none through anger or will wish harm to another. So that's one way where we do this here. And there are other practices which we don't do so much here, which I learned in the Theravadan tradition, which is a kind of way of reciting to oneself. May I be happy.

[23:25]

May I be free from anxiety and fear. May I have physical well-being. And then you extend this out to other people. It's easiest to do in the beginning with people that you love and care about, wishing them well, and then moving on to people who are, say, less charged. But then the trick is to move on to people who you have great difficulty with. So I'm just going to talk a little bit about what I actually do. I have been working with this practice to visualize these people who

[24:38]

For example, the people who I just mentioned in the library and holding them in my mind and wishing them well-being and safety and freedom from suffering. And it's a very challenging practice I have to say a lot of resistance comes up to doing it. When I first learned these practices back in the 80s, I felt that I couldn't do it because it felt hard to be sincere often when if it's someone you have difficulty with.

[25:41]

what I do is I watch the whatever the resistance is the aversion come up or the boredom or the and I just keep saying it over and over and over again and one of my favorite quotes from the Buddha. This is from Sharon Salzberg's book called Loving Kindness, the Revolutionary Art of Happiness. This is what the Buddha had to say about states of mind. Abandon what is unskillful. One can abandon the unskillful. If it were not possible, I would not ask you to do it. If this abandoning of the unskillful would bring harm and suffering, I would not ask you to abandon it.

[26:50]

But as it brings benefit and happiness, therefore I say, abandon what is unskillful. Cultivate the good. One can cultivate the good. If it were not possible, I would not ask you to do it. If this cultivation were to bring harm and suffering, I would not ask you to do it. But as this cultivation brings benefit and happiness I say cultivate the good. So the Buddha taught a systematic integrating path that moves the heart out of isolating contraction and into connection. These Brahma-Viharas, these states of mind that we can cultivate are actually naturally occurring qualities. They're not things that we really just make up and it's not about wishing things were different.

[27:55]

It's not like I want to get rid of this anger therefore I'm just going to pretend to be happy. That's not what it's about. It's really... I think it requires accepting the whole thing, accepting your whole mind. So it's not helpful to be upset that you're angry or to not want to be angry or to dislike yourself for having aversion or difficulty. But it's still possible to cultivate these other naturally occurring qualities, loving kindness and compassion anyway. And it's kind of like planting a seed where you don't know how or when the fruit will appear, but it will appear. My neighbor, I have this neighbor who works for my union and she used to work in Oakland.

[29:05]

And she's the kind of person who likes to say really nice things. you know, peace and love and all that kind of thing. And I like her a lot. She's very well-meaning. She's a good person. But then her job got changed and she was transferred to Civic Center Plaza, which is where I work. So her new office is at Civic Center Plaza and I ran into her on the street And she's really upset. And she says, I'm in such a bad mood. I can't say hello to these people. People are asking for things all over the place. They want money. They want this and that. They're starting to sell me drugs. They're stopping me on the street corner. This isn't me. That was her big thing. This just isn't me. This is not who I am. This angry, bitchy person. So, you know,

[30:08]

What do you do? I mean, nobody likes that. But I think that there is a feeling that we often have which is kind of a lack of confidence that we can actually change how we feel or that we can do anything about the feeling that she was really describing about being assaulted by the environment, and all of a sudden it was making her into being something different. And I'm actually quite heartened that I think there is. When Buddha was sitting under the Bodhi tree during his seven days where he was determined to find enlightenment, and Mara was there tempting him with all sorts of reasons why this wasn't possible, the final tactic was self-doubt.

[31:32]

Really, who do you think you are sitting under that tree thinking you're going to have realization? Who are you? You know, it's just an ordinary person. And so he would not let that get to him. And I remember reading in this book I share on Salzburg how her teacher, U Pandita, his response to her frustration about the difficulty in working with these states of mind was that you have to think about success. That you actually can do it. And I Let's see here. Well, part of the thing that happened at work that really made me want to do this was there's a certain duty that I have when I'm head of the library.

[32:33]

And I'm obviously not the head of the library, but in the evenings, you know, mid-level supervisors like me take turns where we are responsible for the whole building, either in the evening or the weekend, as I said. But the last thing that you have to do every day is you go to the exit and you have to say goodbye. And meanwhile, it's very hard to get people out of the library because for many people, number one, it is their home. That's where they live. And there are people who are very upset for all sorts of reasons. So the guards have to come around and they start at the sixth floor and they kind of round everybody up and make sure everybody leaves. exit on Grove Street. So I stand there and I say goodbye. That's part of the job. Good night. Usually it's good night. And I found it really hard because, you know, 20 minutes earlier I was evicting someone for, you know, smoking or doing drugs or I was, you know, 25 times laying down the rule.

[33:43]

You know, you can't do this. You can't do that. So I've been kind of a bully and a security guard and I'm feeling very aggressive. And then I have to go say goodbye. And in the beginning, I would say, goodnight. And then I realized that nobody was looking at me and for a variety of reasons, but it just, you know, didn't feel good. And so I started to think about how can I really say goodnight to people? And then I realized I had to completely change my inner, you know, where I was. I had to change that in order to say goodnight. And so I'm talking about hundreds of people coming out. And a lot of them are really kind of bent over like this. And a lot of them are, some of them are angry and, you know, they're going out into the cold. So each time,

[34:44]

It was like doing this practice of loving kindness. Good night. Good night. Good night. And I, it was, it was really a practice of concentration and having to work with the desire and aversion and indifference that comes up. And actually, that was the thing that started me looking at these practices more. Because it's very important to have a basis in Zazen. I mean, that's what our basis is here. But meeting the world, it just wasn't quite enough. I had to work harder. So Nancy and I have been practicing loving kindness like a meta-practice at night for 20 minutes with my nephew Daniel who's living with us.

[35:53]

And we do it silently to ourselves but back to the practice that I was talking about. It's made a big difference for me and my life at work because I really was not sure a few months ago how I was going to survive. I really didn't know what I was going to do. And it has had a real effect on me. And it's a lot of work. It's not easy. It's a really hard practice. Maybe for some people it's easier. For me, it's hard. What time is it, Ron? And do we stop at five after? Okay. I would just like to say, I'd like to take questions in a minute, but I would like it if we could just do together a very brief meta exercise by closing

[37:12]

Let's just close our eyes for a moment. And I'm going to say it out loud, but you can say it silently to yourself. And this is just one example of, you know, many things one could say as part of this meditation. But I'll just say four phrases. May I be happy. May I be free from fear. May I be safe. May I have physical well-being. May you be happy. May you be free from fear. May you be safe.

[38:15]

May you have physical well-being. Okay. Does anyone have a question or a comment? Dean. Thank you very much. I don't usually enjoy kids end up, but this really kind of jumped up and grabbed my ear and pulled me up.

[39:27]

One of the things I noticed while you were talking is you were talking about the homeless and people you deal with and I realized that I'm working at a place and I'm dealing with very well-paid people and the same thing happening to me and I sort of, when I was at the store and I raked a couple people over the coals yesterday and what I realized is I just didn't remember to be kind to them. What happened is I got caught up in what I had to do and my stress you know, and myself, and I didn't remember to be kind to them, and by doing that, I don't know how many other people's days, you know, I affected, and I'm getting ready to go to Hawaii next week with, it's going to be me and four octogenarians. It's the Dean and the geriatrics do Hawaii trip. I'm a little stressed about it, because I can see me getting really impatient, which

[40:30]

Patience is not my greatest virtue to begin with. You talked a lot about cultivating this and you said something about that it really took a lot of concentration. I realized also remembering to do it and do you have anything where I can, because I know that I really am going to have to remember to be patient and kind and I just don't know how to do it. I'm a little stressed. Well, it just comes to mind for me, something that Dalai Lama said about patience, that patience is accepting how things are, not waiting for things to turn out how you want them to be. So, usually, sometimes when we try to be patient, we want to hold on until things turn out the way we like, you know? hurry up so this will happen. But that's all I can say about it.

[41:36]

It's going to be how it is. Thank you for your talk. I wanted to say something along those lines that for me, there's a step where I have to accept how I feel. And that adds a sense of humor or distance to the situation. So I have to accept my impatience. And that widens everything. Yes, that's an important point. Yeah, none of this is about substituting one feeling for another, really. I just want to make sure, ask Sojin, he would like to, would you like to comment? Well, Julie, the thing in my mind is, As you develop your goodbye, goodnight, you must add a bow.

[42:39]

See what happens. That's going to make it interesting. Thank you. Annette. The situation I am in, I have a lot of anger and not so much with My husband is Parkinson. I don't take it out on him, but against God and the faith and why did it happen? Why do so many bad things happen? And little by little I realize that it's not useful either. In fact, when I'm angry like that, my husband feels it and it feels worse. So, it seems like contradictory. You have to accept, but it's not good. But you have to accept. If you really do, you can actually... That's what's strange about equanimity. It's almost a contradiction with compassion. But it is not in reality. That's, I think... Not a contradiction.

[43:42]

It's not a contradiction. I can stay happy while my husband is suffering, which is a strange thing. Very strange. Not happy. It's not exactly that. It's probably helpful to him. It's more helpful for him. Yeah. how I can think of doing it because it's more helpful for him. I can look at the anger at face and say, no, it's not useful. And I really like your talk and I really like the Metta practice very much. It's a wonderful practice. Thank you. Is our time up? I'll be out there for... Can I take one more question? Sue? Thank you so much. I wondered if you actually have an example of a time with somebody in the library where you were practicing loving kindness or compassion and something changed and the person had a slightly different response.

[44:50]

Have you also noticed that you feel better? That's enough of a reason to do it. You're getting some more equanimity. that you notice? I notice it all the time. I mean, does that give an example of how that happens? Well, that happens so often. I just know one woman who comes in and always assumes that me being a public servant, that I'm out to just not give her what she wants. And she kind of comes on with this attack, you know, give me this. I know you won't kind of thing. So I I, for a period of time, I felt very aggravated by her and, you know, kind of acted surly, but I started to just try and get, at least, if not give her what she wants, really talk to her, because what she really wants is attention, which I think is what most people really want. And explain very carefully why I can't do it, but the fact of taking the time to actually talk to the person and even explain why you can't give them what they want,

[45:56]

makes them feel valued. And she's she brightened up after that. And now we have now we're pals. So anyway I should stop. I'll be outside after we can talk some more. Thank you so much for coming today. Thank you so much.

[46:19]

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