Okay, so shall I begin? Okay. The last time I gave a talk I completely forgot to put the mic on and didn't realize it until the end of the talk. Words cannot express my gratitude for being here or my gratitude to you for maintaining Tassajara and its practice. I've been thinking about the relationship between stillness and contentedness. And I think true contentment is possible when the mind is still, when whatever processes we go through to create and manifest ourself come to rest. the I want, I think, I feel, my memory, my plans, and so on, come to rest.

[01:04]

And when wanting and thinking come to rest, the stillness and spaciousness that are left is true contentment. But this stillness isn't dead space. You know, it's vibrant and dynamic, and it's what allows us to be open to the aliveness of everything else. Since our habits of mind are so strong, stillness requires the attention of our full being. And Eckhart Tolle said, only the stillness in you can perceive the silence outside. And at the same time, paying attention to silence outside can help us open and return to our inner silence. Excuse me. I think contentment is often considered the fulfillment of desire.

[02:12]

And I don't know if any of your desires have ever been satisfied, but when mine have, they're pretty quickly replaced by new desires. And I heard about a study done with people who had won the lottery and instantly became multi-millionaires. And this study concluded that the happiness they felt when they heard that they had won lasted about five minutes. And I don't know if this is true, but I think the habit of wanting, you know, of reaching away from ourselves is so strong for most of us. that it just overtakes us. And in Buddhism the world we inhabit is considered a desire realm where objects of our senses push and pull us along and attachments to sense objects is what binds us to samsara or rebirth.

[03:15]

And the first of the three pure precepts or I should say the translation we used to use I vow to refrain from all action that creates attachment." It refers to the attachment and clinging we experience through our senses that binds us to the cycle of existence. I think letting go of the pursuit of desire, recognizing that desire is inexhaustible and allowing our desires to come to rest, at least for the time being. is true contentment. We might say that the opposite of this stillness is dukkha, the Sanskrit word that's commonly translated as suffering, but which has a wide range of meaning, including dissatisfaction, restlessness, or uneasiness.

[04:17]

Dukkha is the quality of experience that results when the mind is acted upon by delusion. you know, any kind of delusion or delusion about anything. The most basic form of delusion is the idea of separation, you know, that we exist apart from anything or from everything else. And in Zen, our understanding of the second bodhisattva vow, delusions or desires are inexhaustible, I vow to end them, includes I vow to penetrate them, meaning to see our delusions and desires for what they really are and how they push us around, propelling us to reach away from our present experience. By knowing them for what they are, we're no longer intoxicated with them or fearful of them or cling to them in the same way.

[05:24]

We may not end them, but we can be free of them. I think of dukkha as being off-balance from our present experience. You know, as if we have one foot in the present and the other foot anticipating what comes next, either reaching out to the future in hope of fulfilling our expectations and desires or in fear of what we dread will happen. The other way, of course, that we're off balance is from reviewing the past and feeling either regret or resentment, having one foot stuck in the past. In this divided state, we're off-center, whereas the stillness I think of stillness as having both feet, you know, resting, balanced, squarely in the present.

[06:28]

When we feel desire or anxiety, regret and so on, you know, we're off balance, wobbling, ready to tip over into the past or into the future. So we could say that Buddhism is the practice of coming to rest, finding the still point in our equilibrium through unambivalent engagement with the body and mind of the present, accepting that our own body and mind are enough. A line in the precepts ceremony is don't put another head on top of your own. This means trusting that your own body and mind are acceptable. are enough for practice. And Kadagiri Roshi said, the cause of suffering is that we have an object, and having an object means that our discriminating consciousness is working, and its work is to separate and divide, and then compare and judge, either rejecting

[07:49]

or desiring its object. And through discrimination we experience separation and divide the world into inside and outside, you know, me and you. Zen emphasizes that the object, meaning duality, is the source of dukkha, the source of being off balance. Creating duality, you know, separating and taking an object, is necessary for clinging and craving. And anything that clings or is clung to as I or mine keeps us from fully entering this moment of experience and is considered dukkha. Our usual way of being, you know, is to take our body and mind to be me, my perceptions, my feelings, my hangnail, my astigmatism, my sense of humor.

[08:52]

The Thai teacher, Buddhadasa, said that sometimes this teaching is misunderstood to mean that birth, old age, sickness, and death are themselves dukkha. But he says those are just its vehicles. Birth, old age, sickness, and death, if they aren't clung to as I or mine, cannot be dukkha." And he said, the body and mind are the same. Dukkha isn't inherent in our body and mind. Only when there's clinging do they become dukkha. And any kind of craving or grasping, clinging or attachment automatically colors this moment of experience with dissatisfaction and divides our experience, keeping us off balance, with one foot either leaning into the past or stepping into the future.

[09:55]

The opposite of craving is non-clinging. This means when seeing, just see, without reacting to the object of seeing as pleasant or unpleasant. And when we're able to just see, just taste, just here and so on, without judging or comparing, without the desire to perpetuate our experience or stop it. This is non-clinging. And since everything in the universe, including our own body and mind, are constantly changing, you know, our attachment to the way we want things to be or the way we think things should be or the way they used to be, but no longer are, is a constant source of dissatisfaction. And resisting change keeps us off balance, keeps us from entering the present moment completely.

[11:04]

So, resistance is another aspect of dukkha. And resistance, I find, is characterized by contraction and tightening. which rather quickly become rigidity. Craving, you know, or the mind of wanting is also the basis of taking or stealing. The second precept addresses this. Bodhidharma said self-nature is subtle or ungraspable. In the midst of the unattainable Dharma, not producing a thought of attainment, is called the precept of not taking what's not given. And the mind that grasps, you know, the mind that aspires to attain, that measures and compares, lays the groundwork for the mind of taking.

[12:07]

The state of mind, you know, of wanting, is based on thinking that there's something we don't already have. But I think anything really important we've always had. This state of not having a thought of attainment is characterized by contentment. And I think one way to practice with this is to look at your state of mind. Do you find an underlying quality of dissatisfaction? Or is it characterized by contentment? And in either case, you know, try finding the source of it. Another way to practice with the mind of wanting, you know, is to examine right now, in this moment, you know, what is lacking?

[13:08]

What's the hole we're trying to fill? Suzuki Roshi said, when we think we don't possess something, then we want to steal. But actually everything in the world belongs to us, so there's no need to steal. The attitude of using what we have without identifying it as mine is helpful in loosening up the solidity of what we think of as the self. when we treat our possessions or even our body as something we've been given to take care of and use temporarily. We won't have such a strong tendency to define who we are by what we have. And Elizabeth Kubler-Ross indicated that people who are the most successful and powerful by conventional standards often

[14:12]

had the most difficult time when they became weak and helpless and were facing death. So it's as if the more we have, the harder it is to let go and move on. Jack Kornfield links the precept of not stealing to the practice of generosity by suggesting the practice of actually acting on every impulse of generosity that spontaneously arises in your heart for one week. And I don't know if you meant Tassajara week or what kind of week. But the development of generosity or giving is one of the fundamental practices in Mahayana Buddhism. And Buddhism teaches that even compassion, you know, the quality that I think of associated with the Bodhisattva, is practiced and developed chiefly through giving.

[15:19]

And the aspects of generosity that are most emphasized are liberality, open-handedness, the warm-hearted readiness to give, which is indicative of an unattached, spontaneous mind. The readiness to give has a lot to do with flexibility, the ability to let go of our train of thought or the object of our attention and to be ready for whatever comes next. And an essential condition for true giving is that we're happy and joyful when we give. So the mind of giving is also an antidote to wanting and taking. took this practice a little further in his fascicle, the Bodhisattva's Four Methods of Guidance. And he said, giving means non-greed.

[16:23]

Non-greed is to give away unneeded belongings to someone you don't know, to offer flowers blooming on a distant mountain to the Tathagata. He said, even if the gift is not your own, that doesn't hinder giving. The principle is that the effort must be genuine. When you learn giving well, you'll see that being born and dying are both acts of giving. All productive labor is fundamentally giving. Entrusting flower petals to the wind, birds to the season, also must be meritorious acts of giving." And Suzuki Roshi echoed this when he said, to give is non-attachment. Just not to attach to anything is to give.

[17:28]

And if we take this phrase, just not to attach to anything is to give, we can use it to practice with our breath. As long as we're alive, we're breathing, but most of the time we're unaware of our breath. But, you know, we can, instead of taking it for granted, you know, like gravity holding us on earth, or like the earth firmly supporting us, we can appreciate the uniqueness of each breath. And instead of assuming the next breath will always be there. We can cultivate gratitude toward our breath as if it were something precious. And then we can give it away completely. I think of non-attachment as the attitude of being ready.

[18:40]

ready to let go or to move or to open. It's a basic willingness to change. And when we don't, you know, when we hold back or hold on, we impoverish ourselves, keeping ourselves off balance. Kadagiri Rishi said, all beings that exist in the world manifest themselves as the practice of giving. just by being whoever they are. He said, when we do Zazen, we have to completely give away our body-mind to Zazen. This doesn't mean to destroy our body-mind. It means that we give our body-mind completely to Zazen without holding back or tracking how we're doing. And when the bell rings, Zazen gives us back. And this is also the way to practice with activity, you know, to give our body and mind completely to whatever we're doing, surrendering ourself or surrendering our separateness.

[20:00]

And when we surrender to this moment, we find stillness, the stillness we share with everything. I'd like to end by reading from some practice instructions from the Chinese master Hang Zhe, who lived about a hundred years before Dogen and was about three generations before Dogen. And Dogen had high regard for his teachings. Hang Zhe wrote, the matter of oneness cannot be learned at all. The essence is to open and empty out our body and mind, as expansive as the great emptiness of space. The moon accompanies the flowing water. The rain pursues the drifting clouds.

[21:03]

Settled without a grasping mind, do not let yourself interfere with things. And certainly nothing will interfere with you. Be a white ox in an empty field. Whatever happens, nothing can drive him away. Yes. Okay. When I was about 12 years old, I read that the founder of our church used to meditate all night.

[22:34]

And I thought that sounded really great. So I tried meditating after I do my homework at night. And I would lean back, prop some pillows up, and shut my eyes and wait for something to happen. But the only thing that happened was I'd fall asleep or get bored in about three minutes. So I finally stopped. I thought I was kind of retarded spiritually. So, when I was in college, there was a Zen meditation group in Eugene, Oregon, and the person who led it did the first practice period at Tassajara. And I began finding rides down to San Francisco Zen Center and sitting sashay, and when I I moved into the city center and practiced there for about a year and then I came here for three years, went back and stayed 16 years and then I moved to North Carolina to lead a small sitting group there.

[23:41]

And that was in 1991. And this was my first experience with nuclear familyhood because I went straight from college to San Francisco Zen Center. And there were a couple of people who had been at San Francisco Zen Center so it wasn't so awful. And one of the things that surprised me was how little I missed Zen Center. I thought it was going to be this huge loss and great transition and it was a big transition. But there was a sitting group there and we rented a house that had one room that was set up as a Zendo and we had Sazen Monday through Friday and one night a week and Saturday mornings. And about every two years we had a move. After two years we moved in, we started renting space, larger space somewhere else. And it was interesting because when the Zindo was in my house it was really hard for other people to like wash the tea cups or to make tea.

[24:52]

And I remember I'd been in Chapel Hill, North Carolina for about four weeks and we had our first Saturday morning program with Sazen and a Dharma talk. And at the city center we always had tea afterwards. And I go, wait a minute, who's going to make the tea? So before the Sazen began, I made the tea and fixed up the altar and then we had Sazen and I gave the talk and it was sort of like I was doing everything. So, moving the Zindo away from our house gave it more autonomy and people felt more permission to take responsibility. And one of the funny things... I remember two things when the Zindo was in our house. My daughter was nine years old at that time and became a brownie. And one night people were coming in the front door and there's a little entryway and the Zendo on the right and she was like catching people as they walked in and following them into the Zendo asking if they'd like to buy Girl Scout cookies.

[26:02]

So I broke her in. And another morning I forgot to unlock the front door and I think I'd somehow gotten up and I was in this like bright orange-red bathrobe and I heard people at the door and I was just petrified, it came down on my bathroom door and opened the door. So, in 1995, we moved into our Zendo, which we now own, and it's got a small one-bedroom apartment and several rooms and Zendo and We have all-day sittings and two sessions a year, and visiting teachers two or three times a year lead teaching weekends, which are either like session or talking for eight hours a day, depending upon who visits. And we have a three-week practice period in June.

[27:08]

So, I've been away from Zen Center for thirteen and a half years, and I've visited and sat a couple of sessions with the Berkeley Zen Center and San Francisco Zen Center, but I'm also getting older and it's harder for me to remember the forms, and then some people from our group come out and visit, and so I wanted to come to Tassajara because my last practice period time was 1975. Last summer I heard that Sojin was going to be leading this practice period, and something just clicked, you know, one of those spontaneous moments where I said, oh, can I come? So, you know, many people kind of worked to make it possible for me to come for a couple of weeks to enjoy the Tassajar practice and to spend time with my teacher and to try to brush up on the forms

[28:13]

see what the forms are now. So, does that answer it? Well, I think we can't be too attached to it. You know, we can... Sojan, in one of his Dharma talks, made a distinction between mind of attainment and aspiration. So, to try to stay with the aspiration or inspiration to practice without being too attached to the results.

[29:20]

So actually, I think of our practice as wholehearted effort, just moment after moment effort, without looking at the results of that effort. Because the results, you know, if we look at that, that always involves judgment. And I think judgment, particularly in meditation practice, is never helpful. So, somehow, let your vow support you, but watch how you judge the effects of that. And the effects are always, go beyond what we'll ever see. whether to take peanut butter or tequila?

[30:44]

It's not easy. Well, sometimes you just take whatever comes first. And I think for the really big decisions, we don't have to make those. Those are already made for us. Maybe you need to learn to be more sensitive to honoring your really deep desires.

[32:14]

Suzuki Roshi, I'm told, had used a phrase, our inmost request or innermost desire. And, you know, I think practice has a lot to do with aligning, you know, our deepest desire with, you know, our intention and impulses. So, for a long time, whenever we chant the Four Vows, desires are inexhaustible, I vow to end them, I keep on... I don't really want to end them, I like... I like my desires, you know, my desires are what I like, I don't... you know, and there's this little kind of catch, you know, in my gut that I don't really want to end them, I like them.

[33:22]

But another way to think about it is to get to be... get to know them intimately, you know, what's behind that desire. Well, I think just sitting with desire, and sometimes I try to have a dialogue with aspects of myself, like, what do you really want? Or, how can I take care of this desire? What's the basis for it?

[34:25]

What's propelling, what's underneath this desire? So, trying to trace it back to what's the fundamental thing behind it. So, different aspects then of the desire to become more apparent and unfold? Yeah, and also you kind of see weak manifestations and stronger manifestations. So, and then you can decide, I want to honor this desire. If you feel like that's, there's something constructive in that. Well, it's okay to feel good, but is it something you're part of a strategy?

[36:09]

But it's okay to feel good about it. But if you're doing it in order to feel good, then there's a little hook in there. The perfection of giving is sometimes described as having no thought of giving. It becomes so integrated and so natural that when a need arises in front of you, it's just responding. But if you feel like And I don't know if you do or not, but if you feel like you're doing it in order to get something for yourself, maybe look at how you can give that to yourself in a more direct way.

[37:19]

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