Good morning. Good morning. Excuse me, I have to go. My throat. The Zen family, this is, you know, Zen is very much like a family. We have ancestors. We have teachers and, you know, grandteachers, lineage. And it's really striking, actually, to me.

[01:06]

I didn't realize so much what a family Zen is until I, you know, went away from the family for a little while. And I noticed that especially I went to a three-month retreat in Massachusetts at a Vipassana center. And Vipassana is not family. It's very much kind of American democratic, sort of. And they don't, you know, offer incense or make tea for somebody who's not here. This morning we made tea and offered food to Suzuki Roshi. But in Vipassana, we don't do that. Should I talk louder?

[02:08]

No. You're going to make me talk louder. I didn't want to talk too loud with the microphone on. Okay. So when I was at the Vipassana retreat, I missed my family. And on certain occasions, you know, family occasions like Suzuki Roshi's birthday, I would make the tea and offer the food, even though nobody else was doing that. And to some extent, you know, that we have, you know, uniforms or, you know, robes. It makes us part of the family. And sometimes I'd like Zen practice to be more like Vipassana. Anybody can come in and be part of it.

[03:10]

You don't have to dress a certain way or have a certain hairstyle, you see, which I don't have anymore, you know. And you can still join in and everybody's welcome and you can just come in. And Zen is a little more like this is a family. And if you're going to come into the family, you follow and learn the family ways. And you are adopted into the family and you adopt the family. And hopefully the Zen family you know is a little less dysfunctional than the family you came from. That's part of the idea, you know. You would have to... that you would give it a re-parenting in your new family. And you could try again growing up, you know, really becoming your own person.

[04:11]

So I mentioned this partly as some background because I think most of you know that two of our wonderful and dear family members died this past week. One of them is Karagiri Roshi and the other is Maureen Stewart Roshi. It's interesting, you know, we all just say Maureen. In Karagiri Roshi we say Karagiri Roshi. And Karagiri Roshi is more, you know, our immediate, our more immediate family. And Maureen is more our, you know, extended family. But this is... so for this family, you know, it's a big occasion, an important occasion. And so today I thought I would share with you some of my recollections of Karagiri Roshi and Maureen Stewart Roshi.

[05:28]

First of all I want to say something about, you know, the Zen tradition generally. I was thinking about this yesterday. I had a one-day, we had a one-day nine-to-five, you know, it's the sort of busy person's retreat. Rather than the five-to-nine, you know, the nine-to-five. And I was thinking about it yesterday about what is, what I would say about Zen and Zen practice. And it's interesting how, to me, how I go through different ideas about what's important or useful for people to know or to trust. And so yesterday I found myself coming back to a very classic kind of Zen expression, just sit. Just sit. And at times it seems like, you know, isn't there some other advice?

[06:42]

I mean, isn't there something we could do about it? And I'm reminded of that story of the person who was at last had gotten away from modern society and was somewhere up in Nepal or the Himalayas and had a little meditation hut and there was a stream outside. And apparently this is a true story. I mean, I've been told, you know. And the person was, so meditating day after day, very tranquil, you know, awe-inspiring setting. But after a while, the creek going by, he began to always hear the sound of the creek going by, marching music. Da da [...] da. And he found this very distressing, you know. He couldn't stand the marching music. But it was always the full band. Yankee Doodle went to town.

[07:47]

And so, he tried everything, of course. Concentrating on his breath, his mantras, whatever. and, you know, becoming one with the string, you know, you think of all kinds of things to do, right? Nothing worked. And so at last he was out there in the string moving the rocks around. Thinking that he could change, you know, the melody. Isn't it so much like this? And this is, you know, to give you something in contrast with just sit. And if you just sit, sometimes there'll be marching music, sometimes there might be, you know, heavenly harp music or whatever, who knows? You might have joy or sorrow or happiness, calm, tranquility.

[08:53]

It could be any number of experiences. And we say, just sit. And it's a way of saying to have that much confidence in life, in yourself, in your inherently imperturbable nature. But there is such a thing as imperturbable nature, Buddha nature. It's not, we needn't be responding to each and every phenomena, trying to rearrange the rocks in the string. And Katagiri Roshi used to talk about this sometimes in a very wonderful way. I know one summer I was at Tassajara and I was the resident teacher at Tassajara. And Katagiri Roshi came to visit and, you know, students were very happy to see him. And many students had interview with him.

[09:55]

I had interview with him. I think one of the things we talked about, I said, you know, it's very hard giving talks as a teacher. And he said, at least you know English. We forget these very simple things. How hard it must have been for somebody who didn't know the language to try to be a teacher here. But when students went to see him and, you know, oftentimes a set of students said to me something about, you know, what they talked to him about. And people would go and say, you know, I'm having a tremendous amount of anger. You know, we have to work so hard here at Tassajara. It's so tiresome. Blah, blah, this person does this and that, you know.

[10:56]

And somebody else would come and say, I'm so sad. And, you know, my girlfriend and boyfriend and this and that. And whatever they said, basically, he said to them, it's the flower of your life for us blooming. Don't you think? You know, a little bit of context, that's the feeling of spirit, you know, of just sit. Don't worry about it so much, you know. Each and every little thing, you know, sorrow, anger, joy, unhappiness, this, that. It all keeps coming and going, doesn't it? It's the flower of your life for us blooming. Don't you think? And then people would go, oh, that's right, I forgot about that. People would feel so good after hearing that.

[11:58]

Somebody would say like, well, of course. You know, this isn't a problem. I first met Karagiri Roshi at the Zen Center when it was on First Street. I went to meditation one day and afterwards Suzuki Roshi said to Karagiri Roshi, who was in those days Karagiri Sensei, he said to Karagiri Sensei, would you give him Sazen instruction? So I was with a friend of mine and we sat down. We went into the Zen Center with Karagiri Roshi and he gave us instruction, about five minutes. You know, sit down, cross your legs, sit up straight, hold your hands like this, keep your eyes open, look down, follow your breath. Many things will happen to you.

[13:02]

Just follow your, come back to your breath. That's about it, huh? And we always want to know, but what about anger? What about pain? You know, what about, what about? You know, somebody I know, another kind of teacher, he always says, it's our usual mantra, what's going to happen to me? What will I do with this pain? What will I do with this anger? How can I get rid of it? And so much of Zen is aimed not so much, you know, at getting rid of things, but just living with things, finding out how to live each moment, moment after moment. And Karagiri Roshi was very important to me.

[14:06]

Several times in particular, one of the times was at Tassajara, we had a practice period that he led. I think it was probably the practice period after Suzuki Roshi died. And we had three sessions, one each month of the practice period, and during that practice period, there was a whole period of time where I was angry quite a lot. And, you know, there's many stories about this, about, you know, how I threw knives in the kitchen and different things. You know, people always make up stories. They love to make everything bigger than life, you know. And one time, you know, there's a story about one time, because, you know, I don't think it was that winter, but one winter the road was out, you know, and we didn't have big stockpiles of food. It was a very unusual winter, and since I was the cook that year,

[15:12]

I was concerned about the food and concerned about, you know, that it would be shared equally within the family. You know, as opposed to some people having more and other people less. So I wanted to see that, you know, the minimal supplies were conserved and shared, and I noticed that food would disappear at night from the kitchen. So one night I stayed behind and sat in the kitchen. And it was in the far corner of the kitchen, and it was very dark. And in the far corner of the kitchen there was a griddle, but then we had a piece of wood on it when it wasn't in use, so we could put pots and stuff on it. So I was sitting on top of that. It's a kind of unusual place. And then sure enough, just a few minutes later, somebody came into the kitchen and went right for it.

[16:14]

We had a pot of gruel on the stove ready to cook in the morning. You know, just all the leftovers. And he started reaching in and just pulling things out and eating them. Nobody would do this under normal circumstances of there being, you know, enough food. This is serious, you know, deprivation. So there's been stories about what happened after that. You know, whether or not I had a knife in my hand. You know, there was a cleaver. A cleaver. Oh, you see? Oh, yeah. I see it. So anyway, after a while he left. You see? Yeah, he looked up and saw me and he said, Oh, shit, man. But anyway, I've had a reputation of being angry a lot,

[17:20]

and I had the impression that people would come up to me like they were walking around the corner of the building and checking to see what kind of a mood I was in, even though they were standing right in front of me. You know, sort of getting ready to die. It's distressing. But I thought at the time, you know, if you have anger, you know, I thought I was going to be, you know, be angry. You know, if you have anger, be angry. I thought that was, you know, be sincere, be true to yourself. Hmm? And so this one year, Katagiri, she finally called me into his cabin, which is unusual. You know, usually the Zen teachers in our tradition wait for you to ask to see them. So you know it's serious when they ask to see you. So he said he noticed that I was angry

[18:21]

and said yes. And he said, you know, it's disturbing to many people and disruptive to the community. I said, but, you know, I'm just being true in my feeling, just being, you know, sincere. And he said, you have to do something about this because it's disturbing people and it's disturbing the harmony of the community. And, you know, I didn't understand. I just, so I protested, you know, well, shouldn't they learn to live with me? What's wrong with them? They'll have to try harder, won't they? And Katagiri, she just sat there and he said, I'm giving you a piece of advice. And what was that?

[19:25]

I said, oh, okay. Then he said, why don't you try chanting to yourself the Heart Sutra? And when you get angry. So I tried that. And a little while later, something happened. I don't know. It sort of, you know, snapped the place I'd been in. And at the end of that practice period, we had Sushena and we had, you know, we had one of those times at least, we had a, we would have a question and answer ceremony with the teacher. So, and each student then, you know, comes up formally and asks a question of the teacher. And this one seminar in particular, Katagiri, she would answer each time many questions.

[20:27]

He'd say, you know how it is, people come up and say, what can I do about all this pain? You know, and he'd say, go wash your face. And people have all these things. What do I do about this? What do I do about that? How am I going to feel better? And he'd say, go wash your face. Because after a while, people don't want to settle for that. You know, it's not good enough, you know. So they say, and then what? And then he'd say, go wash your face again. And then they say, well, you know, what will that do? And he'd say, wash your face and find out. But that's like, you know, what happened to me. And recently I was, I came across a story that,

[21:28]

you know, it was kind of about washing your face. It says, this is a kind of Zen story, so to speak. And it's, you know, suppose somebody's sleeping, and while they're asleep, they get a bit of filth on their nose. You know, like a little bit of dung, you know. So when you wake up in the morning, you know, it smells funny. Everything smells funny, but you don't know, you know. You think, oh, my shirt. Oh, my shirt smells. You know, so then you take off your shirt. But then everything you pick up, it all sort of smells. It's like, well, what's wrong with them, you know. They don't strain, you know, let's straighten out the strain. Let's rearrange the rocks. And so even if you tell the person, you know,

[22:34]

wash your face, you know, wash your nose, they don't, they say, you know, no, it's not my nose. It's not my face. So they still, they go around like this, and eventually, you know, they'll wash their face. And then they find whatever they pick up, it doesn't smell anymore. So this is something about, you know, washing your face. And Zen practice is like this. Cleaning your own face, cleaning your own being. Letting go of your own, our own, you know, mixed-up way of seeing everything in our own very particular personal terms. You know, what it means to me, and the way that person looked at me. You know, they must be thinking such and such about me. But, you know, the person just, you know,

[23:36]

maybe they have a headache. But, you know, as far as I'm concerned, they must be looking at me because they think that, you know, they're unhappy that I didn't, you know, that I came to work late last night or, you know, whatever. So we always, so we tend to see things this way with our own, you know, smell. And we don't see things that clearly. And so to practice meditation is to do this kind of cleaning. It gets kind of messy sometimes, don't you think? You know, later on though, I heard a story, and I don't know if it's true or not, but somebody said, Oh, you know, Karageroshi didn't understand English so well, so he just answered all the questions. Go wash your face. So, I don't know if he was giving the patient advice. We're lying on a, you know, Zen device.

[24:41]

But it was quite wonderful. But again, it's like the flower of your life first blooming, don't you think? Yes. One time here at Greenwich, there was a period, a short period of time, about a year where I was the teacher here at Greenwich. And, you know, it was after we'd had a big divorce in the family, you know, with Pekaroshi. So at times we were pretty upset, you know, people were pretty upset. Lots of criticism back and forth, and people's anger, and many things were going on. And people would get up in meetings,

[25:44]

or, you know, in little meetings or big meetings, and, you know, jump up and say, you're not a teacher. And, you know, various kinds of things. You're full of shit. Oh. And then, you know, and, you know, then they, you know, jump up and go out and slam the door. So, like, what can you say? And kind of Greenwich, you came to visit. And it was very nice, you know, because everybody just loved him so much. And so everybody could set aside the importance of, you know, their feelings, and just sit,

[26:48]

and just feel their own tranquility and peacefulness and harmony, and settle into the depths of the being. And one morning we had tea, and so somebody said to Kagiyoshi, well, when there's no teacher around, what should we do? I was a little bit, you know, but I'm like a man, you know, like, a teacher. You know, someone bigger than life. But, obviously people thought of Kagiyoshi as a teacher. And they said, when there's no teacher around, what should we do? And he said, when there's no teacher, keep a warm place in your heart for the teacher. So it's almost the same

[27:55]

if you keep a warm place in your heart for the teacher, as the teacher being there. And that warm place in your heart is the teacher. And somebody outside of you, outside of us, awakens that place, brings to life that warm place in our heart. So, so after the little tea, we were on our way out of the room, and I, we went over to, a couple of us went with Kagiyoshi to the guest house where he was staying over here, and I said, since I'm, you know, not a teacher, what should I call myself? I said, a teacher. It's funny, huh?

[29:00]

I first met Maureen the first summer at Tassajara, that same summer at Tassajara, when I was a teacher. And I was kind of, I was having a pretty hard time. And it turned out, I drove Maureen into Tassajara from Jamesburg, and she was with her husband at that time. And her husband, Oz, Ozzy, I think he was sitting in the backseat, Maureen and I was sitting in the front, and my daughter was with me, who was about 12 then, or 10, I don't know. And my daughter, Rikon, was just talking away in the back. About the road and this and that in Tassajara. And it happened that her husband, Oz, was sitting, you know, in the passenger, yeah, the passenger side of the car in the backseat, and he was quite nervous about the road. And he was sitting on the side of the car, where you can look way down. And apparently, I didn't realize it,

[30:17]

but apparently he was quite scared. And every time I would see Maureen after the shoot, I always reminded her of the story, and my daughter saying to Oz at some point, you don't say very much, do you? But it's interesting, you know, I don't, I don't remember so much, you know, things that Maureen said. But I talked with her in Tassajara, you know, and I just knew, I just felt right away, you know, that I had a friend. A real friend. And again, it's like that, you know, warm place in your heart. And somebody like Maureen can touch it. And it's like, it doesn't matter then

[31:20]

how you, you know, feel this way or that way, but there's a warm place in your heart. And when I would visit Maureen in Cambridge, she used to, she was someone who, you know, appreciated the fact that I liked food. So she used to take me out to dinner. She said, I enjoy watching you eat. So, you know, it wasn't quite clear, you know, whether, this is sort of like a mother, you know. And it was sort of like being lovers, you know. It wasn't quite clear, but it was a very dear friend and a good heart, a warm heart.

[32:22]

And I think people who knew Maureen, you know, felt this kind of friendship. A true friend. As somebody who cares for you very deeply and yet isn't going to get, you know, not somebody who's going to get all entangled with you and going out and moving rocks, you know. No, she's not going to, you know, she's going to say, you know, hey, don't bother with that excursion, okay? She would help you clarify things in that way. Okay. So I picked out a poem,

[33:34]

a sonnet, one of the sonnets to Orbeis by Rilke, which for me says something about these two teachers and friends. So I'll give you the poem. To praise, to praise is everything. One who praises comes to us like ore out of the silences of rock. The heart that dies presses out a wine for others that is fresh forever. When the gods, when the gods take hold of her, her voice never

[34:36]

collapses into the dust. Everything turns to vineyards. Everything turns to grapes made ripe for harvest by her powerful summer. The mold in the catacomb of the king is not to say that his praising is wise, nor that the gods have shadows. He is one of the servants who does not go away, who stands, who still holds in the door of the tomb trays of shining fruit. I'm going to say for you the poem again, and I thought we could sit quietly for perhaps a few minutes

[35:38]

and we'll see if see if you can feel and touch the one place in your own heart and hear the voice of the friend. I received the trays of shining fruit. To praise is everything. One who praises comes to us like ore out of the silences of rock. The heart that dies presses out for others a wine that is fresh forever. When the gods when the gods

[36:49]

take hold of her, her voice never collapses into the dust. Everything turns to vineyards. Everything turns to grapes made ripe for harvest by her powerful summer. The mold in the catacomb of the king is not to say that his praising is lies, nor that the gods nor the fact that the gods have shadows. He is one of the servants who does not go away, who stands, who still holds in the door of the tomb trays of shining fruit. The catacomb

[39:32]

is the flower of your life that is blooming, don't you think? The catacomb is the flower don't you think? The catacomb is the flower that is blooming, is the flower of your life that is blooming, don't you think? The catacomb is the flower don't you think? don't you think? don't you think? But, you know, nothing made any difference to the monk. He just continued. And finally one day the teacher called him in to talk to him and the monk came in and bowed and the teacher said, Get out! And so the monk thought, This is good, my chance to get out of here. So he turned and he ran over to the door

[40:54]

and the teacher says, That's not the way for you to leave. He goes to another door and the teacher said, That's not the way for you to leave. He goes to the other door and the teacher says, That's not the way for you to leave. Then the monk was kind of upset and he said, You told me to leave and now I can't get out of here. And the teacher said, If you can't get out then stay. I mentioned this story just to say, you know, even if you want you won't be able to escape. You won't be able to get away from our dear friends and teachers Kaguya Roshi and Marine Stuart Roshi. So I think they'll be with you even if you try to get away. They won't let you.

[41:56]

Okay? Thank you.

[41:59]

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