So good morning, good afternoon, good evening. I'm back here. Hasn't even been a week. So I was told to talk about what happened Monday morning when I got ordained. And so I'm going to talk about that for about a minute and a half, and then I'm going to ask all of you guys questions. So you'll have to, even if you don't want to speak, I'm going to point out you. Janet, you're going to be first. Are you recording this by the way?

[01:02]

Okay. Okay. I'm supposed to be talking about being ordained. So, um, first of all, I have to say that I got ordained because Megan Collins said I should ordained?" That's enough. And Hannah said I should be ordained, but then she didn't say anything for a long time, but then she helped me get ordained. And then I asked Sojin back in July or June.

[02:05]

And he said, you're crazy. You don't want to be ordained. And I said, you're probably right. And then he said, go be a regular person. And so I was a regular person until I got diagnosed with terminal cancer. And so I'd been doing this study with Alexandra and Sojin, and he said, oh yeah, we're going to ordain you. So I guess that's when the clock started ticking. Oh, so you all know that I have aphasia and it's hard for me to talk sometimes.

[03:07]

And so like Margaret, you know that it's hard for me to talk, but I'm going to try anyway. So, um, One thing I did when I got ordained was I put my arms out like that. And I don't know why that meant something, but it meant something to one of the people right over there. What did it mean to you? Yeah. And I was really struck by her coordination. And so, as you know, I was really curious about what it meant to be a woman, and also really interested.

[04:33]

So, on Monday morning I cried a lot. Today I guess I'll cry some more. Janet, what did you want to say to me? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, thanks. One of the people I was most connected with at Berkeley Zen Center was Ron, who, Ron helped me learn about koans, so I'm gonna ask you a question, which is, What are kawans about?

[06:12]

I don't want to give you a Wikipedia answer. I don't want to give you a Wikipedia answer. For you and me, kawans are about the life, the liveliness of life, what you're doing, and getting into that. The textbook answer is about patterns relative simultaneously. What's the difference between me being ordained and me just studying with you?

[07:22]

It's just another side. Margaret, what did he mean by that? I'm going to get people to laugh a little bit. So what do you think? Ellen, what do you think about me being ordained?

[09:03]

Thank you. Yeah, we've been through a lot together, haven't we? I have to say that the way you talk is so from the heart Rihanna, what have you been doing this week?

[10:40]

Give me something to talk about. Well, I have to say that I was in another dimension. I don't remember anything. All I know is I came through here and I think I was supposed to not tread on my thing. Anyway, this. I wasn't supposed to tread on it and I tread on it anyway. And then I just kind of pretended like I was here as best as I could and then

[11:51]

It was over and then I went to the community room and then I talked to people and then I went home and I lay in bed till eight o'clock at night. And I finally was able to sleep after two days. So I don't remember a thing about it. How much time do we have? Ray Lotz, I'm afraid you have almost 20 minutes. 20 minutes, okay. Let's talk about other things then. Let's talk about death and dyings. Yes. This is really interesting. But, a funeral, a Buddhist Zen funeral is structurally an ordination.

[13:05]

And so, you have your ordination, Yeah. So, death and dying. Some days I feel really, really bad like yesterday.

[14:14]

No way could I have gotten through everything I did yesterday. And by the end of the day, I talked to Soren, my older son, who was in Japan, and we talked all about his biological father, who died earlier in the week, and all about his father's marriage, and all about Soren's marriage to Kanae. And by the end of it, I was just really happy. So I'd gone all the way down to the bottom, all the way up to the top.

[15:21]

So death and dying is about Waiting for it to be over because it's like, okay, you don't see how big my tummy is. If it was really me, I would take my robes off and show you my tummy because I've got so much cancer in there now. Unbelievable. Next week I'll do some chemo. It's a shorthand for what is chemo for? What? Chemotherapy. So I'm gonna do three more weeks of it. And then I can ask the hospice to get me started

[16:35]

doing a program that the state allows us to do where I can take a pill after so many weeks. It'll be about six weeks before I can do that if I want to do it. I might not live that long. I think the reason why I got picked to be ordained and then made to do this talk was because I'm going to be dying so soon that you can put all this stuff on me and it doesn't matter anymore because I'm going to die anyway. So that's part of death and dying is that I know that it's Just a short, short time and then I will be gone.

[17:43]

And then you guys will go on and you'll have your lives and this Zendo will be without me. What do you mean? What do you want us to remember? When I tried doing this ever since the beginning, I didn't We do these vows, but what we don't do is we don't say, this is the part I can't do.

[19:43]

So if you're going to ask me what I want you to remember is to remember when we do those vows, before we do the precepts, remember all those things that you can't do. Think about how hard it was for me to do everything here. How hard it was for me to sit up straight. I couldn't sit up straight. Think about how hard it was for my legs to sit here. Think about how hard it was for me to do the move down. Think about how I had a stroke, and another stroke, and another stroke.

[21:03]

And then I got cancer. this jet being this invisible lotus. And sometimes we talk about it, that he was just doing his generosity.

[22:43]

When you do that, you do that, you notice people. And you're just always there noticing, opening your Avalokite?vara eyes and hands and always there. You don't notice when somebody does something, when something that can be a little more encouraging might be encouraging for somebody. Appreciation, expressing appreciation for people. It's something which we don't miss very much. It's always happening when we're in an emergency. Yes. Your strict, wonderful effort in your practice has not gone unnoticed.

[23:53]

Your handicap to practice the way you have been is a great encouragement for me. And for all of us, and I have to say, although I think consciously, in a sense, that the reason why I'm doing this is because it's something that you've always wanted. Even though I can't do this.

[25:06]

Really? Really? Thank you. I am? Yeah. Thank you. I tried to be a good teacher. What about you? Yeah.

[26:07]

and the prehistoric nations, and I feel that to some degree, but I have never, ever felt it so deeply as what took place on Monday morning. And I'm so glad I was there to help support you in that process. nothing to do with your coordination and your desire to help people because you've been giving back everything you can. Why?

[27:52]

Why not? Yes. Yes. Yeah. very first person. Leary.

[29:41]

What are you gonna say? It's not about the players, whatever. I'll just... I will say it, but I'll say it again and again, because I'm not proud of it.

[31:15]

You're still here. You've always been so... Well, yep, Megan. I had written to you something, I don't remember what it was, an email, and you responded to me by saying, I persevere, I persevere. And that's the word I think about you, Jen, you persevere. And my heart's wishing

[32:22]

Okay. Thank you. One more. Yeah. Just for a guy like me. Thank you.

[33:36]

Okay, now, for one last thing, I'd like everybody to think about, close your eyes, and think about the worst possible thing you could think about me.

[33:50]

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