Good morning. How is the volume? I've been charged to introduce you. It's my privilege. How's the volume? I've had about 45 seconds to prepare this introduction, so it will be genuine. Laurie Sanaki is a senior Dharma She has been practicing Zen for many, many years. I remember the first time I met her. She was a young woman coming back from Tassajara and she was full of spirit and enthusiasm and charm. And she still is. Laurie has been entrusted by her teacher, Sojin Weitzman, to be a teacher and exemplar of Zen in our tradition.

[01:20]

That's why she's wearing that lovely green rakisu. And this morning we all have the privilege of hearing her dharma, her teaching. a few important details. Lori is a mom and has taken considerable responsibility here for making room for an opportunity for children to practice Burpee Sensei. Please welcome Lori. Thank you. So now should we test the volume of the four scores seven years ago? Okay, how's that? Too loud now? Okay. So, hello everybody. Good morning. Nice to see you all. Nice to see you all and be here. So, a couple months ago I was, I don't know, puzzling over some strange aspect of our practice, something like

[02:32]

How do you do it? Or if I have no self, how do I practice? Or is it that I'm trying to just be myself or am I trying to change? Something like that. One of those essential mysteries. And this thing popped into my mind. which I've been thinking about ever since, so I thought I would share it with you this morning. It's called The Short Cycle of Causation, and it goes like this. Based on how we think, we speak and act, and what we say and do influences what happens in the world. And based upon what happens in the world, we perceive. We have perceptions and feelings and ideas about what's happening.

[03:35]

And those feed into our thinking. Did you see how it went around? What did I do? Did I do that? So anyway, a little offering to the visual learners in the group, if there are any. Whoopsie. So, I'll go over it again, based on how we think, and thinking here is not so much random thoughts and fantasies that we're having as like our real beliefs, our conscious and unconscious beliefs, our attitudes, our intentions, what we know, what we think we know. Should I wait? Is that better? I think I did sort of knock on something. It's going to be irritating. Or it is irritating. What's happening?

[04:36]

I'm perceiving a buzzing sound. our conscious and unconscious beliefs and intentions, which lead us to speak and act. I'm not sure everybody is going to be able to see it from the back, and I'm sorry about that. You can look at it later. So we speak and act basically to get what we need, to obtain what we need in the world. based on what we think will work. And then, of course, what we say and do are happenings, but they also influence other happenings.

[05:37]

And other things influence what happens, too. For example, what everybody else is saying and doing, and the laws of gravity, or physics, or whatever. Many things influence what's happening. And then, based on what's happening, we perceive some part of what's happening. Oh, and I forgot to mention, what's speaking and acting also includes sort of mental actions, or the more subtle kinds of doing, like doing things, or like clinging, or blaming, or kind speech, or giving, sharing, you know, so it's a variety of things that we do, all the things we do, which contribute to what happens. And then, based on what happens, we have a sense perception first, usually.

[06:42]

We first have a sense perception, and then we have a feeling. It's happening really fast over here. Actually, the whole thing is happening really fast. Like, it's very much more dynamic and complicated than this model. So we perceive what's happening, we have a feeling, and we have like an initial name or concept on what that is. Pretty quick over here. And then based on what we think it is, or what it seems to be, what it appears to be, we mold that into our understanding of the world and what's happening, and we add this new information. So this is the information over here. Add this new information to our understanding of reality. And there's also a thing we do, which is there's this great word in Sanskrit, Papancha, which means conceptual proliferation, which I'm sure we're all familiar with, where it's sort of like, you know, you're here, but you're going further and further without going back to check what's happening.

[07:46]

Your mind is just going, going, going, going. And then it's better if you can try not to speak or act from, like, way out there. So, let's see, did I get everything in that part? Oh, right. So, and there's another line that's not showing here, but we also, the way we think also influences how we perceive directly. So, for example, if we believe that, you know, in scarcity, if we believe that love or recognition is a scarce resource, then when we see someone else getting recognition or something, we perceive that as a loss and we'll feel bad. So what we believe influences what we perceive. Unfortunately, I cannot see them both at the same time.

[08:47]

And then just another overall note is that everything is, you know, things are happening impermanently. So this whole thing is things happen fleetingly and impermanently. And there's no control. So even though we can influence what happens through our speech and actions, we can't control what happens. The whole thing is out of control. We can't control any of it. So I have like three main points I'm hoping to illustrate with this. I hope I get to all of them. The first one is, so what is the part that lends itself to our training, to training? I propose the part that lends itself to training is this part over here, not this part over here. So for people who can't see, it's the thinking, speaking and acting that we train, not so much how we feel.

[09:53]

So like, there it goes again. Were you just telling me to shrug? No. Just shrugging. Like, so the Buddha's always saying, monks, bhikkhus, train yourself thus. And we, you know, we, a lot of our practice isn't about how we talk and how we... Maybe try turning the volume down, it might be getting feedback. Is it in the right place or something? I feel like I turned it around or something when I handed it to me. There is one over here. Wait, I think I got it. I did something weird when she gave it to me. I flipped it around.

[11:03]

Well, let's see. Okay. So, and I wanted to mention that So in a way, training is just another word for learning, you could say. And so we've been learning how to do this our whole lives, right? We've been learning how to think and speak and act. It's not that bad. It's not bad for you guys? If it's not bad for you guys, I don't know. Okay, I can try to project my voice. That's a good practice. Can you hear me in the back? While we're studying this issue, I will continue and try to speak loudly. Okay, got a little bit off track here. So, all our lives, from the minute we're born, we're learning, right?

[12:08]

We're learning how to understand our world, how to speak, how to act to get our needs met. And I mean, I'm proposing, part of what I'm proposing is that, in a sense, our practice, to some degree, is just a really advanced version of that. How do we think? How do we act and speak in the world so that we influence what happens in a beneficial way. And, you know, as it says in the Blue Cliff Record, where is the place to turn ourselves around in? I'm proposing that it's over here, not over here. It's easy to think it's over here, that it's about how we feel. Louder? Oh. So. I can't, I'm not going to be able to hold it up and sort of think and all that. Feelings, yeah, so feelings. We don't change our feelings. where we don't try to train ourselves to feel differently in the same situation, you know what I mean?

[13:21]

Like, that's sort of like, more like the Stepford Wives or something, I think, you know, where you're in a bad situation, but you don't mind, or, you know, like, that's not what we're doing. And, you know, like, I was thinking about a month ago, I think, a surgeon gave a talk about composure, and I would propose composure, and you might think it's easy to think, generate a feeling of composure, no matter what's happening. And I'm proposing no. No matter what's happening over here, what you're feeling or perceiving, lay down a beat of composure. Adopt an attitude of composure. Speak and act with a spirit of composure to the extent that you can, given the circumstances which you have no control over. And that will influence what happens, including how you feel, and depending on, more or less, what else is happening, it may influence a feeling, it may contribute to a feeling of composure, or it may not.

[14:23]

But it's not bad practice if you don't have a feeling of composure. Right? Do you agree? Do you agree? Composure is always being at the center, no matter what's happening. Okay, we're going to get to that later. And, you know, so there's like a teaching, treat everything that happens as a gift. And I'm proposing not generate a feeling of gratitude for no matter what's happening, but no matter how you're feeling or what's happening, think about it in a different way. Think about it differently. And again, lay down a beat of thinking about that way, which is just going into the general way you think about things and adding in, contributing, not controlling, not like a 180 degree flip or anything. But this is where we influence.

[15:26]

And you know, I mean, I feel sad when I hear people say, oh, I'm such a bad Zen student, I feel such and such, or not even with around Zen, you know, to talk to each other about don't feel that way or tell children don't feel bad. It's a linguistic convention and maybe it's not so bad, but this is the information over here. And when you're laying down a bead of composure, it's not to cover, whitewash your feeling of non-composure. This is the information. This is really important. And some of, we have different ways of dealing with feelings. Some of us like to ignore them and other people go, you know, immediately over here. And I think that those two people, I don't know if they're two different kinds of people. Maybe some people, you know, sometimes we ignore, sometimes we go, but Let's pretend for a minute that there are two kinds of people.

[16:29]

We're kind of looking at each other and thinking, well, that's not working. The people who are ignoring are looking at the people and they're thinking, okay, that's not working. And the people who are doing this are looking at the people who are ignoring and they're saying, okay, that's not working. So it's neither of those things. This is the information and we're taking this in with awareness. And being aware of how it's influencing what we believe, therefore what we do. Okay? And another reason why we don't get involved in trying to change the feeling, what's happening over here, these things are changing really fast by themselves. They're going to keep changing really fast. So it's not even, you know, you don't need to, because there'll be another one along, you know, there'll be another one along in a minute. And then, oh, I was also thinking, is Dean here? So a couple months ago, Dean gave a talk where she rewrote the four vows.

[17:33]

I don't remember exactly what they were, but they were really great. And one of them, it was sort of like this, you know, it was like, whatever's happening over here, or bad things may be happening over here, like bad feelings may be happening, I can always be kind. She kind of had this, it was going like, da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da. It went from one side to the other. I'm sorry she's not here. I was hoping she could at least do the first one. The four vows are the things we say at the end of the lecture, and she had sort of put them in her own words in a very nice way. Okay, so that is point one, which is the part that lends itself to training. And point two is the small but significant gap between what's happening and what we're perceiving. Okay? Does that make sense? Because we take in what's happening through our five senses and we may, you know, we're getting part of what's happening.

[18:42]

And this is really hard to remember. It really seems like I'm seeing everything out there that there is to see to me right now. There's nothing I'm not seeing about you all. Of course, you know, Nancy, if an expression fleets across Nancy's face while I'm looking over here, I'm not seeing that. And I might look back and she's got the same look on her face she had before. So I missed the whole thing. And little things like that. So we're only seeing part and hearing. And through all of our senses, we're only seeing part. And we can be seeing or perceiving more or less accurately. So that can be an issue. how valid or how accurate is your perception of what's happening, but even the most accurate perception is still not getting at what's happening. It's still coming through our neurology, and it appears to be the whole thing, but it's not.

[19:43]

So, One thing is, I mean, I think that people sometimes are wounded in this area, like they have been told as children that something they're perceiving is not true when it is. And that can be very painful, that's very wounding. But even if that's true, it doesn't change the fact that you're still not getting at what's happening. And I think that people who've been wounded that way are often very, very clear that about what they're seeing, very clear about what they're seeing because they've had to kind of like put it forth in spite of what was acceptable or what was okay in their environment. So that's hard, but still it doesn't change the fact that you can't get at what's happening.

[20:45]

And I think, you know, I've been living in Zen communities now for like over 30 years. pretty much my whole adult life, I would say. And I think this is the most painful thing for me, this piece, because I've had, you know, many, many times from the beginning, and I think it must be partly the way I'm wired to be super sensitive to this, but one person who, you know, you have two people that you love and respect. One person comes to you and says, this is what happened, and this is how I feel. And the other person comes to you equally upset and says, this is what happened. This is how I feel. And they're completely different. And I think I don't, I've never heard anybody else complain about this quite the way I experienced it as a visceral pain. But it's been something I've struggled with all my life in community. And I think I'm finally, you know,

[21:49]

in the last few years maybe, I think I'm able to see. And I think part of what I'm able to see, like, so it's fairly easy to see that the other people are not seeing. But I think what I've learned to see is that even when those people are talking to me, I'm not seeing the whole thing. I'm only getting a piece. So, see what I mean? It's like When you see that you're only getting a piece, you're seeing it more accurately. In fact, here's a quick way to tell if your perceptions are more or less accurate. If you're seeing the impermanence, if you're seeing the out of control, if you're seeing the way it's out of control, and if you're seeing the not knowableness, the way you can't know that, when we start to perceive that, then we can feel like, well, that's getting closer to what's Not that it will ever get there, not that it will ever be that, but it's more accurate.

[22:54]

Okay, so that's point two. And then point three is Zazen. So what is Zazen? Because Dogen says, the Zazen I speak of is not learning meditation. It is simply the Dharma gate of repose and bliss. So, this over here is learning meditation, right? This part over here. So, the zazen I speak of is not mind training. I'm proposing, in my little story, what I would say, well one thing, I'd like to hear what you think about this, also. my provisionally what I've been thinking is, it's to close up shop over here and to camp out over here. To camp out close to what's happening and what you're perceiving and what you're feeling. Close up shop over here, do the non-speaking, the non-acting, the non-doing, the non-thinking, and camp out over here.

[24:11]

That's the Dharmagate of Repose and Bliss. Hold that up for a second. Okay. Where they should camp out. Camp out. Over here. What's it say? Perceiving, feeling. Perceiving and feeling. And what's happening. I can't read the very top word. Naming. Naming. Naming. Okay. You can, that's good to know too, but you can get, it's actually better to get Moving this way, kind of, in a way. Moving around in reverse direction. Moving towards what's happening. Through our perceptions, through our feelings. Getting close. Even though we can't close this gap, getting as close as we can. You know, there's that wonderful poem in the Book of Serenity. I hope I can remember it. The unique breeze of reality. Can you see it? continuously creation runs her loom and shuttle, weaving the ancient brocade, incorporating the forms of spring.

[25:19]

So we're like down there where creation is continuously weaving reality. And of course, here's the Catch-22. So I mean, in a minute you can just close up shop over here and go here. Just like that. you can do it. However, the catch-22 is you sort of also need to train yourself to close this up, close up shop over here. Because it's going to keep, you know, the whole thing is going to keep going. So even though this, you don't, it's not over here, it's not training exactly, it's just planning yourself over by what's happening. You do have to train, and we still have to train ourselves to do that. We have to train the non-doing, you know, like the gaining idea is happening over here.

[26:21]

And the blaming, the judging, the measuring, constant measuring, which, and here's the, okay, so that was the catch-22, and here's the mind-bending part about it is that everything is a happening. Every one of these is a happening. So if you're camping out, down by what's happening, and you're seeing what you're thinking, and what you're saying, what you're doing, and all those things are happenings which are out of control, impermanent, not knowable, then it's like you're everywhere at the same time. You're just with what's happening. And that's our practice. Oh yeah, I want to tell you this other Zen story. I think this is Shito and Yaoshan. Shito was the teacher, and Yaoshan was the student. And Yaoshan, the student, was sitting Zazen, and the teacher, Shito, approaches him and says, what are you doing?

[27:32]

And he says, nothing. And nothing. Chateau says, well, then you're sitting idly. And he says, if I was sitting idly, I'd be doing something. And then the teacher says something like, how did you learn that? Where did you get that from or something? And he says, even the 10,000 sages don't know. So how can we do the not doing? How can we non-do, or another way, maybe what I'm saying is not that, not so much closing up shop here as doing camping out over here, or as doing something like giving yourself to yourself, as doing some kind of giving, giving what's happening to what's happening. Okay, so that's it. David?

[28:34]

Thank you, Lori. I love charts like this. Oh, I forgot. I wanted to say thank you to Kaz Tomohashi, who gave me this painting with this great circle. Beautiful. Go ahead. I still like it. So can you give us a take-home assignment from this chart, perhaps not using the word zazen, And specifically, say, on the thinking side, your left, my right, what's a kind of a nice, easily done practice that you can think of that addresses the thinking side in particular? Well, let's see.

[29:41]

It'd be interesting to think, to be aware of our beliefs. Like, I hold my shoulders up all the time, pretty much. Except once in a while something will happen and they'll let go. What is that? It's like, I must believe that's a good idea, right? Everything that's happening, everything we're doing is we're doing for a reason. And habit, you know, habit gets in there. So something, maybe that's too abstract, like what is your belief? What is your belief that's behind your perception, that's behind what you're saying, what you're doing? So much the water you're swimming in that you can't hardly see it. like the idea that love is a limited commodity, or if people don't make eye contact, I'm not safe with them, or whatever it is.

[30:49]

There's zillions of little and big beliefs. So that would be one thing. So a follow-up question. Would I be correct to say that that would be the practice of listening? Yeah, definitely. Being aware. Yes, Sue? Can you take that from the feelings? I mean, if you were aware of your feeling at the moment when you looked at somebody and thought, they're not looking at me, they're not seeing me. Can you start there and then... Definitely. Well, awareness anywhere, right? Wherever you wherever is whatever is happening whichever thing is happening when you wake up to it is the start But also to notice when I feel bad, I believe I'm doing something wrong Right, that's a good one. That's a popular one I was getting a little worried when I started thinking that

[31:55]

camping out over there, and feeling and perception was going to sort of disconnect me from thinking and action speech. Right, I know, that's kind of where the model breaks down. Yes, of course, thinking and action speech is where we all get into a tremendous amount of trouble, but somehow bringing awareness to that, maybe that's part of the non-trained aspect. But I'm also very interested in that piece where you make that connection between thinking or beliefs and perception. That sense that ... if you want to say more about that ... Well, what occurs to me now, which I didn't think about before, is that that is like a bypasses checking out what's actually happening. It's another one of these ... you go straight from what you believe to be true to what you perceive to be happening. without checking to see what actually is happening. Sue? Yeah, thanks a lot.

[33:02]

That was very helpful. I wanted to go back to the part at the beginning when you were talking about laying down the beat. Could you be more specific about how you would do that? Maybe that's related to David's question. For example, you had one anecdote yourself about the discomfort suffering you feel when you're hearing negative reality. Well, so in a situation like that or in some other situation where you're feeling something afflictive, how do you lay down a beat of composure? What does that actually mean? Well, I would think it sort of starts with speaking and acting if you can. I mean, it's too fast usually to think composure, you know, but if we, I think, don't move, you know, don't say anything, don't send that email, don't click send.

[34:03]

And, you know, I mean, and this is where it's a little tricky. It's sort of the fake it till you make it. It's sort of like, it's not pretending though, because you're aware. As long as you're aware, you're not pretending. I think some people feel that it's very dishonest to not show what's happening over here. And that can be true. We're not trying to hide what's happening in the feeling part. But it's not dishonest to be angry at someone and not punch them in the nose. It's not. And you may want to say nothing. And there's a lot of training, like non-violent communication, about how to speak when you're upset, right? How to speak when you're upset that will bring forth your own composure and ease the situation.

[35:04]

So I think there's a lot. And you know, in a way, everything, like Buddha talks so much about what's happening over here, training, you know. And that, you know, think of yourself this way, focus on this. It's hard to remember that what he was really talking about was something over here in perceiving things accurately. So like actually perceiving that there is no self, you know. But we still, we work over here because that kind of gets us settled down enough to be with what's happening and perceive it as it really is instead of as we are afraid it is or want it to be or whatever. I lost track of who's next. Shelley? When would you say not thinking comes in? The activity of not thinking? Or am I just totally off the mark? Well, you experienced that as an activity? I don't know.

[36:08]

Is this something that happens during Zazen? Oh, it's a goal. I hate to use the word goal, but it just feels really important somehow to try and understand what that is, what that means. Well, um... What it feels like. I think it's sort of like you're not in, I don't know if this makes sense, but there's a way you can be in this, and there's a way you can be just it's another happening, it's another thing that's happening that you're close to, and you're seeing how impermanent it is, you're seeing how out of control it is, and you're seeing how unknowable it is. Your own thinking is not, you know, our feelings are not completely knowable. You have a feeling, it's some kind of physiological response, and then we have this incredibly complicated language Was I envious or jealous? You know, there's all these different nuances. But we are not getting at our own feelings. They are happenings that we are not getting at.

[37:14]

Our own thinking is a happening that we are not getting at. So, I think when you can somehow settle down there, to me that's the non-thinking. Alan? You began by asking a series of, by reference to a series of questions that you had for yourself. Where does I arise? Where does self arise in this cycle? In this, I would say, it's a mistaken belief based on a misperception of what's happening. Can you say that again? A mistaken belief based on a misperception or even a misconception, a misnomer of our experience.

[38:15]

So, when that circle turns that way, then self is created? Well, it's not really created, actually. It's never more than a mistaken idea. It's never created, I'm sorry to say. So, is it born in some new form? I don't think it's ever more than a mistaken belief. I like to hear what Mel has to say before we get too close to the end, so I'm going to interrupt if he has anything to say. What has come to my mind is the word default. We're always taking a default position. When you talked about holding your shoulders up, that's a default, what I call a default position. There's no reason for that, other than you need to hold on to something. And the only thing left to hold on to is your body. But it doesn't help.

[39:16]

Because... But like in a computer, the default is usually like the baseline. So how... Well, yeah, in the computer world. Oh, okay. So how do you do this though? You mean you have to change the default position? It's the thing that you come back to, that... is not helpful. That's what I mean by that. That's my definition. It's like the place you come back to that doesn't help you, but you can't help doing it. It's default. It's default. It's like you fall back there, but it's not the place to come back to. But you need to come back to something that's before that, don't you think? That's before you got the idea that that would do any good. The place to come back to is composure. Or your center. But this is not a real center. It's a false center.

[40:18]

So we keep coming back to these false centers that are not really secure. So where is our security? Maybe default is not the right word. How much time is left? One minute. Did you have a question earlier? I just was trying to figure out where wisdom is. Or how wisdom meets, how practice meets wisdom. Well, it would be understanding how things really work, whether this is that or not. I mean, understanding how things work. But I think it's based on some kind of direct perception of what's happening, somehow.

[41:22]

Once you see this, you understand it accurately, then your beliefs come in line with reality, and your speech and actions. That's why they say the precepts are not things that are added on. Once we're connected to what's happening, following the precepts is the natural way we speak and act. Okay, someone desperately needing a question. Go ahead. It's kind of an observation and definitely a question too. You mentioned spring. I'm wondering how old that symbol is. Maybe we've all seen that symbol. The Enso? The circle? As old as spring itself. As old as pens. As old as brushes, probably. Is the origination of that symbol related to these ideas that you're expressing? I don't think so. Not that I know of, no.

[42:23]

Do you have an answer, Linda? Well, since I perceived a buzzing noise some time back that made us get late, we should go a little later now. We didn't miss that much time, actually. I don't know how old, I mean, it's a, you know, very natural, circles are very natural, right? It's a happening, like it's a brushstroke happening. Yeah. Could I make a comment about the circles? Yeah, please go ahead. The process of practice, or training, or observing, all the things that you've been talking about slows down the... so that the things that appeared solid, like, say, parts of a molecule, or an atom, or something, or frames of a film that make everything look connected when it's actually just... When we observe all those things, we see some space.

[43:26]

And that space is the open part of the circle. So that's not just a concept. That's like every moment. When we observe that, then we see that open space. And then the cycle doesn't have to keep going. And I said that instead of raising the really difficult Thank you. There she is. Thank you.

[43:54]

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