Is there a daily moment-to-moment kind of exercise that we can do to remind ourselves of intimacy? Is there an exercise to remind yourself of intimacy to remain holy ever? Try. Be aware of your posture and breathing. Are you feeling? Be aware of looking to see if you're still. Do you feel still and present? Are you here? Are you here? Am I here? And if you're upset, just keep checking the heart.

[01:10]

Are you here? Are you not here? Are you present? Are you still? And then again, what's here all about? What disposition do you consider? How did you get in this position? And then, do I want to sit in like this? So when I did that just then, I checked my body, and I noticed that my lower back was not quite where I wanted it to be, so I moved it forward a little bit. So now I'm more in the posture I want to be sitting in. I check again, check my posture again, check my posture again. So moment by moment, I'm actually intending to be working on posture. And the more you practice being mindful of your body, the more you can be still with your body.

[02:15]

The more you're still with the body, the more you can be mindful of the body. The more you're mindful of your body, the easier it is to notice the body's breathing. The more still you are with your body, the more you notice that it's kind of pulsing with your breath, and your breath's pulsing with your body. And then you start to notice that you shouldn't be mindful. You start to notice that you're doing behind your closure. So based on being aware of your body and being still with your body, you start to become aware of your breathing. You start to become aware of your feelings. You start to become aware of your story. It's all about coming back and instilling with yourself. And you can also say, you know, you can also remind yourself, this is the work of intimacy.

[03:22]

And then you can also encourage yourself by saying, this practice is practitionerly commended and practiced by all buddhists. So it's not, this is, you know, something I'm doing, but this is something I'm doing with a great tradition. So all this could be ways to encourage ourselves to be present and still, mindful and kind, for the sake of realizing So I have a question about, we call it the repentance.

[04:38]

A question about repentance? Is that what you call it? Well, we usually say confession and repentance. Confession and repentance. Because the way we do it here, I don't feel very intimate with it. When I say, oh, my ancient wisdom karma. I mean, I don't know, it does something very... Well, you said you don't feel intimate with that, and so that means then you feel intimate with this. Do you feel intimate with this right now? Yeah, this is more intimate than that. Okay. Generally speaking, this is more intimate than that. Generally, when we say this, we generally feel closer to this than to that.

[05:45]

Yeah. So in the practice of intimacy, keep checking with, are you intimate with this? Am I intimate with this? Am I intimate with this? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that sounds just, I guess, I'm wondering, like for you maybe, what's in your mind when you say, all my ancient twisted karma? What is that to you? All. All. When I say all, I try to be intimate with saying all, of being this person and saying all. I try to be intimate with that. I'm saying none, I try to be intimate with that. So I try to, whatever I'm doing, I'm trying to be present with what I'm doing, with this.

[06:48]

When it comes time for all my agent twisted, I try to be present for that body activity of speaking. That's what I'm trying to do. I guess I'm comparing with... I learned something similar in Tibetan practice and it's called purification and it involves focusing on one act that you did recently and feeling a regret that you did that And you recite this mantra together with our visualization with you being cleansed by the wild vector.

[07:51]

And when I do that, it's very, very important. Yeah, I guess I'm comparing that experience and I want a little bit of that when I do that. I just want to tell you that for me, if you do that practice, at the same time you're saying, oh, my ancient twisted karma, it's fine. That would be a way for you to feel more present at that time. That's good. And the things that help you be here completely are basically that thing. contributing to the great work of interviews. Any other things you'd like to discuss?

[09:05]

Yes. You touched on, Rab, the question of whether there's too much intimacy possible, where you were applying our group today, more or less, in the sense of perhaps the level of intimacy at that time was just right. Is it possible to be too intimate? some forms of relationship may seem inappropriate to you. For example, we often think of, like, you may feel tremendous love for a child, but there's certain kinds of intimacy with the child which at certain points are not appropriate. When a child's a little baby,

[10:08]

Maybe it's okay that you're taken care of when it's naked, or you're naked, but the baby may be all right. But when the baby grows up, then that form of being together in some ways is not as intimate as it would be if you actually didn't do that anymore. Not doing it anymore might be more intimate with what the person's becoming. So I don't think we are too intimate. It's just that some forms are not appropriate. And to be intimate with that is to accept that and to find a form that we can practice. So sometimes a form is something we should give away. Intimacy goes with giving things away.

[11:09]

It goes with not holding on. So we have a relationship with someone and it's time for it to change. It's changing. And the intimate thing to do is to let it change. In other words, it's like things are not going to happen anymore. Now a new thing is going to happen. Can you be with the new relationship, with the new form? Can you accept the new manifestation? Now this needs more purpose. I don't think there's too much intimacy, it's just that in intimacy there's no clinging, so the one characteristic of intimacy is that we keep letting things go and receiving new manifestations of our form. We spoke about performance and intimacy.

[12:20]

We spoke about performance and intimacy. Yes. And the word performance, I can't remember exactly, but I've looked it up a few times, like the root of the word, and And what I'm left with right now, what I'm remembering is form and how we create form. And I'm thinking about it in relationship to intimacy. So intimacy, form. And I'm curious about when we, I guess specifically in the kitchen, when we're working in the kitchen and we're bowing in and we're chanting about And also when you speak about the Buddhas... When I'm in the kitchen, I'm curious about when I'm in the kitchen and we're chanting about the Buddhas and how the Buddhas are protecting the ovens, which it seems as if this is happening in my experience.

[13:24]

And then when you speak about the Buddhas today, I remember you were speaking about the Buddhas today. I'm thinking about not only Buddhas that are alive, but I'm also thinking about Buddhas that have died, and so ancestors, and I'm curious about this and how you view this, or how other people view this, and I guess maybe how to be intimate with formlessness. Well, one thing that comes to my mind is that there's an essay by one of the ancestors of this tradition called Many Offerings to Buddhas. And in the introduction, the person says that... This person is, I think, a non-native speaker of English. The person says, in spiritual... I think he says in spiritual religions, you know, to think, oh, I make an offering to the Buddha, or to feel that you make an offering to the Buddha.

[14:34]

But that's not really the case. Buddha is more of a religion of action, a religion of karma, of performance. So we don't just think we actually do the performance of making him offering, so that our body and speech and mind are involved in the performance of the relationship with the Buddhas. Because we are active beings, and we do act with our thinking, and our thinking ramifies into speech and postures, And if we don't use, in fact we're performing all the time, our karma, our thinking, and so it is our performance, the performance of intimacy, it's our body and voice also expressing our wish to be intimate. If you practice in the kitchen, for example, if one ancestor, the same ancestor I'm referring to, named Dogen, he says, in the kitchen, put things back where you got them.

[15:53]

A lot of kitchens have that precept, putting things back where you got them. And so if you put things back where you got them, you might be performing kind of a worship of your mother, who told you to do that. Your mother said, put things back in the kitchen, put things back where you got them. If he is something, keep in mind to replenish it. These kinds of instructions your mother might have given you in the kitchen, but also you could say, in some sense I'm paying homage to my mother when I take care of the kitchen this way. My mother has not passed away, but I still practice my mother's teachings in the kitchen. So I'm performing my relationship with my mother because she's not in the room and maybe not in this world anymore. I'm still performing that relationship, that intimate relationship.

[16:56]

Now you also find out that Zen teachers also recommend the same practice, and you can actually... in some cases pay homage to your mother, at the same time you're paying homage to the Zen ancestors, by performing things in the way that they taught. So they may be dead, but the thing they did when they were alive, you're carrying on. So not only are you carrying on something good, but you're carrying on the goodness of their life. They did certain practices, which they taught their students, and now you're carrying on their teaching and their life. And in some sense, making their life all the more valuable because you're celebrating it by performing it, by performing their life. And they are performing yours, even though they didn't. How does that work?

[18:02]

Could you talk more about that? You couldn't perform this teaching unless they gave it to you. So they're performing you. Their teaching is informing and performing you. And that's what they did, so their life activity is actually now performing you or performed through you, and you are performing them. You're thinking of them when you do the form, But their practice of that form is not transmitted and living in you, so they're actually performing it. But you're also doing it together. So we're actually doing this tradition together with the ancestors, but they're not doing it all by themselves. We have to join it. But we couldn't join it if they hadn't given it. So we have this tradition of them giving it, us receiving it, and us transmitting it. But that's what the tradition was for them too. So we're keeping their tradition, they're keeping their life alive by living the same way they do.

[19:09]

Of course it's different, just like the way you do something today is different from the way you did yesterday. So this is like what you call a continuity of tradition that's always changing. It's alive and changing all the time. Now, some things are changing all the time, but people are not performing the change, so they're in this touch with the change. So we would like to perform something in such a way that we keep in touch with change, that we realize this is always a new performance. And that's challenging. especially like in the kitchen where you're not only performing, but you may have some attachment to getting the meal done. And that attachment doesn't go with performing.

[20:11]

The tradition is to prepare a meal without attachment. to the person who's doing the meal, to the meal or the people who receive it, but to see how these all are working in such a way that there's no attachment. Yet there's a wholehearted genuine hostility towards this action. And then not only transmitting the way of cooking, but transmitting the way of cooking with no attachment. Because people do cook meals with attachment, and that seems to just perpetuate suffering. Even though they're serving meals, they're not practicing the Buddha way of teaching people how to live without abiding in these things.

[21:13]

Thank you. You're welcome. So, when the desire for having sexual intimacy in my life arises in the midst of practicing intimacy with all beings. The exact desire, but as you said, one doesn't grasp others' intimacy. Yes, hopefully. Hopefully. Yes, that's the intention.

[22:47]

So if there's the desire, the main thing is not to turn the attention towards what's desired, but to look at the desire. So while you're desiring something, you practice compassion towards the desire. and then you don't abide in the desire or attach to the desire. Then you realize intimacy with the desire and with the being that you wish to realize intimacy with. Now, you may not even have touched the person in this story, but you are already feeling intimate with them.

[23:49]

Because you're feeling intimate with them, you don't try to get anything from the person, like a touch. But you may be willing to give a touch from this intimacy. So if I'm intimate with my desire for something, I don't dwell on it. If I don't dwell on it, I realize intimacy. And then from that intimacy I make gifts. I no longer try to get intimacy. I already have realized it. And I didn't get the intimacy. It was given to me because I was kind to my desire. To have a desire for something and to look to the thing I'm desiring and not take care of the desire, I'll miss out on intimacy. And then this object of my desire for intimacy will not be able to share with me intimacy, will not be able to realize intimacy with me, because I have distracted myself from intimacy.

[25:08]

What desire for it is. That's my proposal to you. What do you say? I'll practice that. And when do you know that... And if there isn't an object. If there what? If there's not a person. If there's not a person? Just the desire. Desire for what? To have a physical relationship. Oh, and you want to be very specific in that. Because that special person has arisen.

[26:12]

Then the object is the idea of intimacy. So there's no particular person I want this with, but it's something I want in my life. Intimacy with a person. You know, perform with our bodies. A bodily practice of intimacy. I want this in my life. There's nobody right now that I have in mind that I want them. That's an object of this desire. And again, if I'm then intimate with that desire, I will realize what I want. I will actually realize what I want. I will start to notice that that's the kind of physical relationships I have with people. They're already that way, really. This is called the bliss body of Buddha. You start to realize that you're physically intimate with everybody. which could include, at some point, actually touching someone.

[27:20]

Or, you know, well, there's touch. There's also seeing. That's a physical relationship. There's smell. There's hearing. So such a relationship actually could include seeing, smelling, hearing, touching, which is one I'll often think of, tasting. that include all those physical modalities in sexual intimacy. And in some ways, touch in some ways is the most basic physical sensation. The others are actually modifications of skin, the organs are modifications of the skin. So in some ways, touch is the most basic physical contact. but we're also touched now by electromagnetic radiation, by mechanical waves, by gases, and by liquids. Those are all laws of sex.

[28:24]

Potentially, right? But, are we intimate with them? That's the challenge. And that's what we want. We want that intimacy. But we're also afraid of it because intimacy also means intimacy with our own fear. It's hard to be intimate with another person. It's hard to be intimate with a touch or a sight if I'm not willing to be intimate with my own fear and my own pain and my own attachment. But if I can be intimate with myself, then I can be intimate with light and sound and touch and taste and smell. You're welcome. Thank you. My question is about the performance of being compassionate towards those arising in ourselves, especially difficult emotions.

[30:13]

Take, for example, envy. I'm not so familiar with Zen, but I have been exposed to a number of different strains of Buddhism, and there are some different options, and so my question is seek some clarity. So one option would be when envy arises, instead of attending to it, one could attend to something that instead nourishes happiness. One could smile and say, ah, there's envy, and just smile and be with it. Another one would be... That sounds good. Yeah. Another one would be, I think, what is called Tomlin, where you would really take it in, really take it in and feel it in its distressing aspects and say, yes, there's this envy and there are so many games right now, feeling the same thing, then only breathing out, letting that go.

[31:15]

That feels also good. Mm-hmm. But I guess what I'm feeling now is a more question about another approach, which would be to enter the envy, to get to know what is it from its point of view. So that would be kind of maybe not investing in it, but it would be entering it and saying, ah, of course, envy, of course, of course you would feel this way, given these conditions that have just arisen, and then, ah, yes, of course, and then something. Sounds good. So, sounds like what you're saying is these are all options. And not necessary. The first thing we do with humanity is not move. First is to be still with it. still with your guest.

[32:16]

Then you might, after you're present with your guest, you might say, how are you feeling? What's it like? What's that like? What do you mean by that? So the dialogue can be an unfoldment of compassion towards the, for example, immediate guest, or a guest with a need. But first of all, let's be here rather than before even arriving, start dialoguing. Those are all potential good ways to express compassion that you mentioned. But first, be still. First being still, which means first being you. First being yourself. Don't skip over being yourself and then start interacting with something. first be yourself and then have that person who is yourself let that person interact in a compassionate way.

[33:21]

But if you skip over yourself and start interacting, this person may also feel like they should skip over themselves and start interacting. So both of you are checked out and dissociated in trying to do this compassionate dance. me being me. Then let's talk. Thank you very much. Good night. I jumped up at the end of that question because I've been trying to form a question since the beginning, and you spoke to it exactly.

[34:24]

And so now that it's so clear, I have to say it right away before it leaves, which is the thing that is arising in me as I try to honor intimacy in my life is anger. Anger is arising a lot. And I've been learning a lesson that you so beautifully spoke to that you can't demand intimacy. You can't demand intimacy from the other. I've had the experience in my life where I have desired intimacy and really did expect others to supply it. And now, after many years of doing this, I fairly recently have gotten that information. I cannot demand intimacy from another human being. And I've had many great lessons, mostly with my daughter, where I don't demand things from her anymore.

[35:28]

And I used to, because she grew up. And it was hard when she grew up, and things had to change. But it's easier for me to deal with the anger when I'm all by myself. I can do the various techniques of Tonglen and making peace with what's inside of me and feeling the anger. And really feeling the anger and not needing to express what caused it, just feeling the anger. And then eventually I can speak about it. But my question to you here today is, what can be done when you're in a relationship and the end flashes quickly? My question is, typically what works for me is to withdraw the interview, is to just simply withdraw, and I find

[36:42]

people that I'm working with withdrawing to instead of, and I don't know, I really don't know how to deal with this, is it needs to be looked at, it needs to be shared. We each need to give something to each other rather than withdraw. And what can be done in those moments of anger, flushing, and sharing something and giving something and have that not-be-angry expression? Well, first, be still. Still. Being still is the first phase of giving. You give the anger to the anger. I'm still here, but right now you actually are here, being still with it, and saying, okay, anger.

[37:45]

We have anger. I recognize you. I welcome you. I welcome you, and I hope to say that I'm here still, unmovingly receiving you. I receive you, and I give you to you. So you're being generous to me, I'm being generous to you. From that place, you can then give a gift to somebody else that's in the neighborhood. Another can be very simple. You can say, amazing thing is happening. I'm right full of anger. I offer that to you. And if you really are present that way, they can say, wow, what a gift. But if you're not present with the anger and still, you might come home. Then compassion is derailed.

[38:48]

Then it's harder to take care of the anger, especially if somebody else is nearby. Because you also may sense that this is a dangerous thing, and you feel afraid of that because they're nearby, and you fear to get more angry. So being still with anger doesn't mean freeze. It means be still. It means be completely generous with this anger. Honor it completely with your full presence. And then see if you can say thank you very much. And see if you can be gentle with it. And not try to control it, not try to get rid of it, not try to hold on to it. I don't know if to the next moment you'd be still with that. The great fear is, if I say anything like that, the great fear is if I... Be still.

[39:53]

Be still with the fear. If you think about expressing it and you feel fear, be still with the fear. We haven't expressed it yet. We're just thinking of expressing it, and now fear comes up, or definitely I've got another guess. So you're thinking of doing this thing, but one guess would show fear. I love fear. I was thinking probably, but you need some attention, don't you? Yes, I do. Let me take care of the fear. After you take care of the fear, you might still be thinking about this thing you're going to do, but you might say, no, not necessary anymore. And then I think, oh, Anyway, and because you're still and generous and calm with anger, you're still and generous with the fear of what might happen if you told anybody about it. You still might be able to tell them.

[40:55]

Now you might be able to give it as a gift. You could tell the person, I have a gift I want to give you that I'm afraid to give you, and I'm I'm really here with my fear. I want to know if you want to know about this gift I have." And they might say, No, thank you. And you say, Okay. Maybe later. Yeah, maybe later. But they might say, Yeah, what is it? You say, Well, I'm full of anger. You say, Oh. You'd be transmitting this generosity to them. The topic is not the main issue. Now, they might become afraid, too, but then you transmit it to them what to do with it. which they may pick up on and they may not, but if they don't, and they get angry with their finger, then you have a nice finger to be still with and to be generous with. And this way, we move forward on the Lord. Thank you. You're welcome. Rebuilding intimacy in a relationship.

[42:15]

Yes. I'm finding it very difficult to reestablish an openness with the person whom I love. What would be your practice? Well, first of all, be still with your inability to... Do you say open? Yes. So you sense your heart closing. You sense yourself contracting. So be still with the contracting. Welcome the contracting. Say thank you to the contracting. The stillness, the welcoming, And the thank you will already start to open up, even though the contraction seems to be right there, kind of the same, seems to be pretty much the same contraction as before. This lotus of compassion is growing right up out of a mud of contraction.

[43:17]

And the compassion can just keep growing and growing out of the contraction, out of the unwillingness to be open out of the unwillingness to be intimate, you can grow compassion. When the compassion gets strong enough, big enough, the contraction won't be contraction anymore. It will be the basis upon which great compassion has arisen. And that great compassion will relate in an intimate way, will realize intimacy with the thing that the contraction was not able to relate, without even taking the contraction away. And I'm like, I still don't want to be with you. I still don't want to have anything to do with you. I'm completely in love with you. I'm so happy that I can love people I don't want to be with. And you are one of the main people I don't want to be with.

[44:20]

And I'm totally, totally open to you and available to you. I'm just so happy to be with somebody who I don't want to be with. We do want to be with everyone, including the people we don't want to be with. We do, because we are. We want to realize that reality. It doesn't mean that the people who annoy us stop annoying us. It just means that we are able to embrace the annoying ones. It means that we really are open to them. even though perhaps we're built to be allergic to them. There's just chemical reactions between some people, and that's just the way it is, positively or negatively, unusual, various kinds of chemical reactions. How can we be intimate with all these different reactions?

[45:21]

Well, by practicing, studying, the common consciousness, which has the story of retraction and repulsion and so on. And then not dwelling in it and so on. Yes? If you grow up with people who accept you the way you are, and who love you and think you're the greatest thing since sliced bread, does that make you more able to be intimate with yourself? It actually might help you. That kind of relationship might make it easier. Like the Buddha grew up, the Shakyamuni historical Buddha grew up in a very unabusive environment, so that when he actually saw the difficulties that he was sheltered from, he wasn't all tough, so he could get open to them and feel them.

[46:29]

He could dare to feel the pain of existence because he was raised in such a kind way. If we're raised roughly, we tend to get tough so that we numb ourselves to the situation. And once we're numb, it's hard to practice intimacy because we we distance ourselves from it, we hardly even know what to begin to do. So basically, be kind to yourself and others so that we can be kind to very difficult situations, eventually. It's not exactly unkindness that as you get older you get a disease called old age. I heard this expression that a microbiologist said, did you know that some people don't realize that old mage is actually a disease?

[47:31]

So it just, you know, it just comes to you naturally and you're out for a while running some difficulties. And then if you've been practicing kindness towards everything that's been coming to you, you have a chance of being kind to the aging process, of not trying to avoid it. Of not trying to avoid it. But some people are trying to avoid their life before they're old. So anyway, it's a normal thing for sentient beings to try to avoid their life, to be afraid or shy away from intimacy. So the work of the tradition is to train ourselves and encourage others to be intimate with ourselves. This really helps to practice this.

[48:45]

And it's not always easy. But, yeah, the people who practice it, I haven't seen any regret. They just say it's hard, occasionally. The message is, we're not saying that this is easy, we're just saying this is really what's important.

[49:13]

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