As we were settling down just now, I thought of a line from a book called Siddhartha. And one time one of the Japanese priests who was teaching at Zen Center named Yoshimura Sensei brought up something from that book that he really appreciated. about how Siddhartha could wait. He thought that was a great skill. But then another thought came up, which was from Kafka, Franz Kafka, who wrote in his notebooks, you don't have to leave your desk. Just wait. You don't even have to wait. Just don't move.

[01:04]

You don't even have to do that. Just be silent and still. And the world will come before you and take off its mask and roll at your feet in ecstasy. The world wants to meet us, and if we want to meet the world, we need to be present and ready for the meeting. Like Hamlet said, readiness is all. Today, there might be a ceremony after lunch where we have the opportunity to meet the kitchen staff.

[02:18]

Do you think there's going to be a ceremony like that? Are you going to come? Probably. Are you the Eno? They're going to come in. The kitchen staff is going to come in and give us a chance to meet them and express our gratitude for their great kindness and diligence during this intensive. I hope you can come and greet them and thank them. They'll come in and do a circumambulation and when they come to us we have a chance to bow to them and thank them. And then tomorrow morning I'm wishing to have another celebration

[03:26]

a celebration of the whole intensive, a celebration of this great assembly. And there we have the opportunity to express our gratitude to each other and also have others express their gratitude to us. In a similar ceremony, in a style we practice on the end of the monastic week, we do this practice called nenju, where we remember the sangha and we pay our respects to each other. So tomorrow morning, after we sit for a while, and walk for a while, and sit for a while, then we can go up to Cloud Hall and line up like we do for a memorial ceremony for the founder facing the Kaisando, offer our respects, pay homage to the founder, make offerings to the founder, and then rearrange our positions in the hall and line up around the perimeter of the hall

[04:52]

And then we will invoke the presence of the Buddhas and ancestors by reciting the ten names of Buddha, as we usually do. Except there will be a bell at the beginning of each line. Ding! Myro, Chana, Buddha, Pure, Dharmakaya, and so on. Then after we recite that, We will come into the room in groups of three, come into the room, walk clockwise around the altar to the front of the altar, and there will be an incense stand there, and each group of three come and stand before the incense stand, and the middle person of the three offers chipped incense. and then after offering incense the three bow and then they go around the altar again clockwise and come over here and bow to the abbot's seat and then go around the room and bow to the tanto's seat and the godo's seat and this seat which nobody owns and

[06:11]

And then you can go back to where you usually sit. Go back to basically where you usually sit. And then the next group comes after the first group, and they do the same thing. And when you walk around the room, you have your palms joined and walk somewhat bowed. And when you're back at your place, then when the group comes by you, they'll come by you with hands joined and bowing, and when they pass you, you join your hands and bow to them. Does that make sense? And so at the beginning there won't be very many people around the room, but gradually the room will fill up, and then we will we will express our respect for each other mutually in that way.

[07:26]

And then we will, if we have time, we'll do some chanting sutras together and this will be the completion of this great blessing that we've had to be together and practice together. So the kitchen has made a great effort to support the practice and have diligently joined the practice in this room a lot, which I am very grateful that you not only did that but joined the formal practice here. And many other people did so much to make this time possible and actionable.

[08:30]

For many months, Sonya diligently received your applications from around the world and helped you get here. Thank you, Sonya. And Timo, our director, who has family business this morning, did so much to take care of all the emergencies that happened and still managed to participate with us quite a bit. Thank you, Timo. And the head of maintenance worked with Timo with all the problems that arose with power stoppages and trees falling. Thank you. Thank all of you for taking care of this valley during this sometimes challenged experience.

[09:36]

And our Tanto Maya, thank you so much for... Pardon? Oh, you got promoted? Our Dodo Maya. Thank you so much. And our Tanto Maya. May I? No. Kokyo, thank you so much. Thank you both for upholding the practice. And for our Ino, Valerian, who organized so many large and small details to arrange this great event. And again tomorrow we'll get a chance to thank all of the people in the Great Assembly to celebrate each other and rejoice in the virtues of each other.

[10:42]

Also the shikha. and the Shikha. Thanks to the Shikha, whoever the Shikha is. Is it you or is it...? It's Nadia. Thank you to Nadia, who's having a medical procedure. Is there anybody else I should mention in particular? The Jisha? Thanks to the Jisha. for arranging all the meetings and attending to all the doshis. Anybody else? The do-an-ryo? Pardon? The do-an-ryo? And the do-an-ryo, yes. For taking care of all the details of our liturgy and our formal sittings. And the work leader.

[11:44]

And the work leader. Are you thinking of Zuzu? Where is she? Oh, and thank you to Zuzu. And also thank you to all the health care professionals who took care of Tillman. Thank you, Tenshi Rossi. You're welcome. As you may have heard,

[12:46]

there is this teaching of suchness which is intimately transmitted. And we've been contemplating this intimate transmission. And thereby contemplating the teaching of suchness. And contemplating Buddhas and ancestors. Also the suggestion has been made that the bodhisattva precepts are also the teaching of suchness. The teaching of suchness is our zazen practice. And the precepts are also our zazen practice. And in particular, the first of the three pure precepts, actually called the three categories of precepts of restraint.

[14:01]

These three, the first one in Sanskrit is called pratimoksha-sambhara-shila, which translated in English could be the precepts conducive, the precepts of restraint conducive to freedom from restraint. Bhakti Moksha means conducive to liberation and Sambhara means restraint or discipline. Also could be translated as the precepts conducive to liberation from discipline. It's a discipline in practices that liberate us from discipline and restraint and all suffering. And they're phrased negatively, not stealing, not taking what's not given, not lying, and so on.

[15:05]

So these precepts can be seen as saying, don't do, don't kill, don't steal. And that's the usual way, and that usual way is upheld by many practitioners. But there's other interpretations to, I could say, complement the understanding of these precepts as don't do. And that another understanding is that these precepts are giving us a light They're giving us a light to understand the mind of the great sage of India. They're giving us a light to understand intimate transmission. They're giving us a light to understand our sitting practice. The mind of intimate transmission is not killing.

[16:16]

It is not stealing. Not killing is the mind of intimate transmission. So this interpretation of these precepts as lights as light, which illuminates our life. Compliments, I hope, the usual understanding that the precepts are saying, don't do this, don't do that. We honor all interpretations, And we acknowledge that most Buddhists see the precepts as prohibitory. But we also give another light on it, which is that these precepts are about our Buddha nature, are about our Buddha mind, are about the intimate relationship among all life.

[17:33]

If I have an impulse to kill, such an impulse is an extreme version of not respecting others. And it's an extreme version of believing that I'm separate from something. It's the most extreme. And restraining myself is probably good karma. But that doesn't mean I understand the precept yet. The precept's more than me restraining my deluded impulses. If I have deluded impulses, it may be good to restrain them, because they're probably going to be harmful. Precepts more than me doing that.

[19:29]

And of course it's more than me not restraining them and harming people or animals or plants or water or earth. They're more than that. They're not something that I can do by myself. They are how we're practicing together in reality. And these precepts, which can be used as guides for individual human karma, these precepts can also illuminate the practice that we do together with all beings. It can illuminate the way we have the same practice as all Buddhas, bodhisattvas and living beings. So what I've said so far may not exactly make it clear what these precepts are, because they're so profound, but they're offered to let us open to the teaching that these precepts are light.

[20:47]

And they are the light of Buddhas who are born of these precepts. So Buddhas are born in these Bodhisattva precepts. And then once they're born, they speak. And the speech that comes out of their mouth is light. And they say, precept of not killing. And then we have a chance to contemplate these teachings and receive this light for the benefit of all beings. And again, when we sit, if we've made bodhisattva vows, we sit and if we notice shortcomings in our practicing of our vows, are sitting and observing the way things really are, the way that the real and the unreal are both equally without a self.

[22:11]

By meditating on reality we What do we do? We become free of our shortcomings and realize the Buddha way. Thank you very much. I have no complaints whatsoever. Is there anything that the Great Assembly would like to offer to the Great Assembly?

[23:18]

They can't hear you. Oh, sorry. I'm going to try to keep it up there. I am reflecting on my ancient twisted karma, and I was thinking about the poisons. My go-to poison is the hatred. Can you hear her? A little louder, please. I'm thinking about the... There's a poison. Yeah. And you have a go-to poison. Which is hatred. Hatred. Yeah. Okay. And so in the hatred, there's a lot of fear, too. And this is a confession. That's what I want to basically confess and repent. Because it just really is very painful to think I... It could hurt people because I have this aversion. But I wanted to ask forgiveness and to have confession, repentance.

[24:58]

I'm really sorry. So you're confessing that you experienced fear and based on that fear or in that fear you sometimes feel aversion to people. Right. And particularly maybe aversion to people you're afraid of? Yes. Yeah. And you're really sorry about that. And you're requesting forgiveness? Yes. Okay. And so I think of all the little things sometimes, maybe don't, you know, even something small like holding a door or whatever, you know, things like that. It's kind of, you know, it's a rudeness or lack of respect. Did you hear what that? No. Okay, good. All the little things. They're not necessarily hatred, but they're not really respectful. Right. And you're sorry about that? Yes, I'm sorry. So I wanted to just...

[26:00]

And I guess on the other side, if anyone has acted like that to me or whatever, I forgive you, whoever has. You forgive all the people for their behavior? That's not kind? Whatever. I'm just thinking, let's call it quits. You know, it's... So... Yeah... And I actually had been waiting for this session to be over in a way, because I don't know if I'm getting anything out of it. I'm just being truthful. And then I had this knife in my back for the past few days. And it's like, you know, pain. But I call it the knife in the back. I've had it before. And I thought it must be psychological or something because it sounds like knife in the back, you know.

[27:04]

But then when I realized how I needed to confess and repent, the knife is gone. So I'm happy about that. I don't know about the Buddhists and ancestors are going to come with profound help, if you confess. I'm not sure, but I think so, maybe. I'm starting to think maybe it's true. Maybe. But just now you said that your confession and repentance took the knife out. That's right. Confession and repentance. In that act, the Buddhas meet you there. It isn't so much that they took the knife out, but when you do that, they meet you, and that interaction

[28:05]

That's the Buddhas and ancestors together with you. They can't take the knife out unless you do your job. They've already done their job. When you do your job, their job's done too. When they do their job, your job's done. Because their job is to teach you to do what is appropriate for your liberation. And it's also appropriate for the liberation of everybody else. Your confession and repentance helps everybody. It teaches them. Just like the Buddha's taught you, you teach others when you do their practice. There's no Buddha in addition to that practice. There's no Buddha in addition. To the practice of what you just did. There's not a Buddha in addition to you just doing that practice.

[29:10]

The process is the Buddha. The process of doing that is the Buddha. Yeah, the process is the Buddha. And the process is you and the Buddha is working together. That's the process. And nobody owns it. And nobody can get away from it. But unless we attune to it, we can miss it. But fortunately, if we miss it, we get some feedback. In the back. And the front. And the ears. Thank you. I see Kat's offering something. Yes? This morning you look like a ninja.

[30:26]

I have two things to offer. One, I was wondering where forgiveness fits in to confession and repentance. Well, one way it might fit in is that we get a message that we will not be punished any further. That there'll be no revenge for what we just confessed. But to confess and repent, to get the message of no revenge, isn't real confession and repentance, I would say. So, in the case that Catherine just gave, when she asked for forgiveness? Well, she did.

[31:26]

She did ask, you know. But forgiveness itself might be just that there's going to be no revenge for her hatred. To ask for forgiveness before you confess what you did doesn't work the same way. So if I'm cruel to somebody and I ask them to forgive me, they might want me to confess that I did something and I'm sorry. I remember one time I heard this guy on the radio who had been tortured in South Africa and then the person, his torturer, came to him and acknowledged the torturing and said he was sorry. And the person interviewing this person said, do you think he should have amnesty? And he said, definitely. He said he confessed and he said he was sorry

[32:28]

I think you should be forgiven. That was his view. But in Buddhism, we don't usually emphasize getting forgiven. We emphasize that when you do this practice, you are released. We usually use that language rather than somebody forgives you. It's like your whole body and mind releases you. It's maybe more profound than just, rather than, there's not going to be revenge. We're not going to attack you now that you've told us that. You're free. Which is an amazing part of our ceremony where we say to the people, you have become free of greed, hatred and delusion by this practice. And is there a certain way to confess and repent? Yeah, there's three ways.

[33:33]

One is the formal way, the general formula, which we do. Another is specifically mentioning certain things which you're aware of. And we do this in the presence of somebody who's witnessing us. That's the formal way. Next way is those two ways, general and specific acknowledgement and regret, etc. Then the next way is that you repent when you see what you think is the best thing you ever saw. you're humbled by it, and you realize, I'm sorry I haven't been that way, and I want to be. That's the second kind of repentance. The first type is repentance of transgressions by protocols. The next is repentance by apprehending the vision of great virtue.

[34:37]

The third kind is confession and repentance by contemplating the true mark of existence. So to sit and observe things and to observe their real quality, that's repentance. That's confession and repentance. And that's the deepest. And that's the one we practice when we're sitting. Without saying anything or moving, we just observe reality. But I think that might be a little beyond my scope at this point. So I will go for the first one. So this is my confession. When I was younger, I was verbally abused by my father.

[35:39]

And it filled me with so much hatred and anger. towards both my parents and my mother for enabling him to mistreat me and my siblings. And I felt powerless and I hated myself too for being treated that way. And I wanted them both to die. I also wanted to kill myself. So when I came here when I was 25, I was filled with this hatred and anger. It didn't seem like it was gonna go away. So I'm sorry for not cherishing this life. And now my parents are so different. They're both so loving. And I can only see it now because I am loving them.

[36:41]

And I apologize to anyone here if I did anything or said anything that was thoughtless or mindless. I am truly sorry. Thank you for practicing the pure and simple color of true practice. the true mind of faith, the true body of faith. Yes, Amanda. And Brooks.

[37:49]

yesterday during the talk i remember you praised the ceremony of eating together yesterday during the talk what i remember you praised the ceremony of eating together in the zendo as a community extensively um I enjoy eating together in the Zendo as well. And if I remember correctly, lots of people do because your statements were supported by many Sangha members. During lunch, or aoki, a situation occurred whereby, if I remember correctly, a bowl of kamasho was spilled on your table. May I here and now question you about the situation?

[39:23]

Yes. Thank you. Do you remember what you felt and thought the moment the bowl was tipped over? I don't remember it so well, but it was something like, wow. Anything else? Not that I remember. It looked like... I didn't see it happen. Me neither. You didn't see it coming? No, I don't know how it happened. I was... I remember reaching for the... the bowl, lifting it up, and then it fell on the table with all the gomasio.

[40:28]

Brian, did you see what happened? Did you see how it happened? I witnessed the same thing. Pardon? I witnessed what you just described. Yeah. It was just like an explosion. I don't know if the ball hit the edge of the tray, Probably it did, or I don't know what caused it to go out of my hand, but it kind of flew out of my hand, and it flew down onto the table, and then I got a hold of it and tipped it up. There was still some, most of it was in there, and then I swept it with my hand back into the bowl, and... But the actual time when it kind of flew out of my hand onto the table, that moment, I didn't see what happened there.

[41:34]

I did also think I felt, I was glad that it didn't fall, that the gamassio, I was glad that there was still quite a bit of gamassio in the bowl. That gamassio is very expensive. And I was glad not to lose it all. I think I was happy about that and I was intending to take care of it because I thought the kitchen could not use it. now that I put my hands on it. So anyway, I just felt, and then I felt, you know, really well cared for by the servers. Shoho took really good care of me. I thought it was, all in all, really lovely. But I didn't see how it actually happened. I didn't see the place from touching the bowl to it being on the, it was just like that. Now I can't speak for the server because I didn't watch what happened.

[42:39]

If I had been a part of that interaction... Say again? If I had been a part of that interaction... Yes? I would have been thunderstruck, like nailed to the floor. I probably wouldn't have been able to move or speak. If you had been the server? Yes. Holding the tray. Like, of all the people this happens to, it has to be Tenshin Roshi. Something like that is what I would have felt. I remember the story... That's true. Of all the people... Nobody else. It actually happened to me and Brian. Of all the people it happened to, Brian thought, this happened to me. I thought it was a nice exchange. It was a wonderful exchange, and also he was somewhat paralyzed. I mean, he didn't know, am I supposed to stand here now? Should I clean this up?

[43:43]

Because he had this tray, right? And I said, you can continue, right? So then he just continued his business. And then I just cleaned up. But he was like, for a moment, they're like, what now? Right? There's a moment they're like... You know, what's the protocol now? And so I suggested, discontinue. I'll take care of this. So you were not upset? I was not upset. I don't think I hurt anybody. I didn't feel like I hurt, maybe I did, but I didn't feel like I hurt anybody. And I also didn't think, well, this is a great opportunity for everybody to see how I deal with this. I didn't think that, but sort of I did. Because I was dealing with it, and everybody that wanted to see could see. Did that influence your acting, like how you acted?

[44:46]

Say again? The thought that this would be a good opportunity for you to show to the Sangha how you would deal with a situation like this, did that influence your... actions? Yes. I mean, that's how I usually feel. I usually feel like this is a good opportunity to show people how I deal with the situation. Like right now I'm talking to you. This is a good opportunity for people to see how I talk to you. I usually think like that. And that does influence me. It makes me want to make a nice demonstration for everybody to see. It makes me want to show I'm actually up for this life of suffering. I hope I'm not contributing. I hope I'm not contributing. Well, I hear your hope. But we're both contributing to this life of suffering.

[45:47]

We're all responsible for it. We're all contributing to it. And we have a practice to deal with it, to deal with this world which we have co-created. We have a practice to deal with the suffering. But we're responsible for the suffering. Thank you. You're welcome. Would you like to question me about something? Are you joyful? Yes. You didn't hear what I said?

[46:58]

I said, are you joyful? Did you hear what he said? Yes. And then I think next maybe it was Brooks. A couple of years ago, at an intensive here, something happened that happens to me a lot. Some memory presents itself of something that I am afraid was an unwholesome action, maybe in the distant past, and it's as if it crawls up my back and bites me in the neck

[48:08]

And it's very disrupting and disturbing. And quite often, the energy is enough to move me. And sometimes explosives come out of my mouth. I don't know if you've ever heard of it. It happens sometimes on the seat there. And I don't remember exactly what it was about back then. I was inspired to stop after I had reacted and speak to the speak to the demon feels like a little demon and say that I was sorry for kind of throwing it across the room and could you please come back and you scared me and I just want to give you an opportunity to, to listen to you.

[49:17]

And so when you were describing thinking, not thinking, Yesterday evening, there was a lot of tranquility in me. And then I tried to think about not thinking. And the one thing that came as an example of that was listening. This is a long roundabout way of just asking, could you say more about thinking, not thinking? Is there more? Is it less? So the teacher, Yashan, was asked, what kind of thinking does he have? And he told the questioner what kind of thinking he has. And the kind of thinking that he has was the kind of thinking that's going on when he's sitting still.

[50:25]

It's thinking, not thinking. That's the kind of thinking. And the monk doesn't understand what is thinking, not thinking. What is, you know, thinking which has no self nature, which has no self. And so the kind of thinking he has is thinking which is realized that it's not having a self. There's no thinking in the thinking. So his thinking is not thinking. And also his not thinking is thinking. That's the way it is for him. Then the monk says, well, how do you practice in such a way that you have that kind of thinking? And he says, well, it's beyond thinking. So there's a way that's beyond thinking, which is how we practice to realize that our thinking has no self-nature.

[51:33]

And it's not that thinking, not thinking is listening. It's rather that what's beyond the thinking is listening. By listening to the thinking, we will realize thinking is not thinking. And listening to not thinking will realize that it's thinking. So this is a teacher who's realized, so that's the kind of thinking he has. But how does he practice in such that he has that kind of thinking? Well, he listens to it. You know, right off. If he doesn't listen to it, then he has to confess and repent. and then listen again. And then if he listens again, then he can realize thinking, not thinking. So in your case, you didn't listen to the demon. That was a mistake.

[52:38]

You confess and repent. And then if you listen, you realize demon... I could say, what kind of demons do you have, Brooks? And you say, demons, not demons. That's the kind of demons you have when you practice beyond thinking, which is listening. without trying to get anything or get rid of anything, just 100% wholehearted listening to the demon that's calling or listening to the thinking that's calling. Thinking is calling. And sometimes thinking takes the form of a demon that's calling for compassion. And the compassion is beyond the thinking and beyond the demon. That's a little bit more. Let's see.

[53:45]

I see Sala. I see Doralee. I see Sonia. And I see Vanessa. And I see Linda. And I don't know who comes first. We'll see. I want to confess and repent also.

[54:50]

Wonderful day for you. Do you want people to hear you? Yes, of course I do. I want to confess and repent today, and I was saying what a wonderful day for it. I... I am sorry for my lack of compassion. Could you hear her? I get so much compassion and love Well, I don't need to save it. But I mean, I don't need to save it.

[55:54]

I really have so much. And bless my sisters and brothers here who listen to me kind of nudge and complain. And they do. I mean, even that feels like compassion. I get it. They don't complain to me about it. I, yeah, I feel so filled with love. I love coming back here and seeing the same people year after year.

[56:56]

I've asked some friends if they would wake me before they leave in the morning, and so that I've asked them. Well, one of them started scratching on my door, and so then I suggested to the other one, well, why don't you, that seems to work, so why don't you do that too? So he came and scratched on my door and every morning it was scratching. It sounds like Fuji, my little Fuji dog. That's what she does too. So maybe that's why I love it. It makes me feel loved to hear that scratching. Wow. You know, thank you all. And I will work on my compassion.

[58:10]

I'll work on it in the sense that I don't need to be self-indulgent in that way. Do you know what I mean? No. You don't need to know. Well, I don't need to know. But I do hear you say that I will work on compassion. I will work on compassion. I heard that. I witness it. I'm happy to witness it. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. And the rest of you, too. My goodness. Around the room, there's so much goodness here. And I don't know about self-indulgence. I don't know about self-indulgence, but if there is any... Will you work on being compassionate with it? Yes. Great. Yes. I will. I will. Yeah. Right. Thank you.

[59:18]

Thank you. I can't start naming names because I just end up naming everybody here. about who I'm saying thank you to, but all of you have been so kind to me, so good to me. I really can't thank you enough. So thank you, thank you. Yeah, this is after confession and repentance comes rejoicing in the virtues. Yeah, that's what it feels like. That's really interesting. You're rejoicing in the virtues. Yes. I didn't know quite how I was going to do this.

[61:14]

I'll try this. My hands are sweaty. Can you hear her? Probably not. Could you speak with more volume, please? Okay, I just, my hands are sweaty. I don't know if it was Sunday or Monday during our zazen, I was sitting in zazen and all of a sudden the voice came up, I'm a racialized white woman sitting zazen. And as soon as I heard that voice, It's like I woke up. I felt so much better.

[62:18]

I felt so much more present. And also realizing that many of us here are racialized white people sitting Zazen. And it's so easy to not be awake to that for me. Can you say it part again louder? It's easy to forget. Easy to forget. Yes. And that's part of the problem. Because as a white privileged person, so much of my life is because of that. And even being able to come here is partly because of that. And I'm very appreciative of how many differences there are here in this gathering.

[63:24]

People of Asian descent, Middle Eastern descent, Latinx people, a black person. We're all here in all these diversities, physical ability diversities. My physical ability now is that I walk more slowly. I'm nervous because I'm not going to be able to say everything. We're diverse in gender identity, sexual orientation, age. However, I'm partly here because of racism. I live in Woodland, and that's on Patwin and northern Miwok land.

[64:30]

I own a house on a land that belongs to that. But in all the time I've lived in Woodland, I've only met one Miwok person who was offering a workshop on how to make rope from reeds. I go to my grocery store, which I love. I have to stop, I have to look before I realize everyone is white. I can just go along in this bubble. To me that's living in delusion without awareness, I guess. And so I guess I also want to say The privilege to be here is amazing.

[65:33]

Everybody in this room is an incredible being that I've learned so much from and Gringotts farm and your teachings and it's an amazing experience to witness how much energetic loving-kindness flows out from people, so that all of us are going to go home with these gifts to give to everybody. But I still have this, this is my question, I still have this question. How do I, how do we as a Sangha practice with what's still absent? Practice with what's still missing? How do we practice with what's still missing? Can you hear what's still missing? Can you listen to what's missing? Do you hear the cry of what's missing?

[66:46]

So we have the privilege of being able to listen to that cry. And we have the privilege to aspire to continue to listen and become more and more mindful of that cry or those cries. then we have an opportunity to not waste our life, but to listen mindfully every moment eventually. That's our aspiration. Not to forget. Is that your aspiration? Totally. So there's Linda and Sonia, is that right?

[68:20]

Oh, and Vanessa. Linda, Sonia and Vanessa. I was last. one thing is I wanted to apologize to you and anyone that might have been offended the other day by my crawling up to meet you.

[69:30]

I didn't know whether I could do it from that corner without toppling. And later I felt... that it was very undignified, and I apologize. I think we accept your apology. I raised my hand the next day, but there wasn't time, and I figured by now it's very late, but I need to say that. So and and the other thing that really important thing is my heart has been so full. I have a vision of a plant, for whatever reason, a plant blossom, gently dropping to the ground.

[70:36]

And I just I feel like despite what Dora Lee said and all the realities that we live with, that somehow we've been in the heaven realm right here. And it's amazing. I feel so much gratitude. And the heaven comes because of hard work in the world of suffering. You've all suffered, but you've also all been silent and still with your suffering. And not to get heavenly realm, but it becomes like a heavenly realm. They say Zen is a bitter medicine, but a sweet fruit. If you don't take the medicine,

[71:38]

Life is just bitter. But if you take it, you listen, and we have the blessing to be able to listen and to observe the suffering. And to hear these teachings, which sometimes to me have felt like just precious jewels, about practice, I really appreciated the more detail about tranquility and observation. Thank you. You're welcome. I'd like to come back again before one year. Would you like some assistance to walk back? I think I can... I'll try. That was a little corner last time between... Are you saying you do not want assistance?

[72:47]

I don't think so. Okay. Thank you all. Is it okay if I go back to something from yesterday? Yes. So I'm not... This is about the Mara exchange. And then I shouted out, Mara's not a she.

[73:52]

And I'm not clear. I feel good about, in the moment, saying something, and I'm not clear if it needs an apology. Okay. I feel like, and I appreciated how you followed up that Mara is not a he or a they, and maybe you said other things, but I feel like in the Buddhist time, the she bodies got a lot of disrespect. Apparently it's still going on. And in this culture it's still going on. And there's some term about she-devils. Words matter. It matters how we language things. And the words come up and then they bring images.

[74:55]

It's a communion, it's a communication. And it's also not a he. It's another what? It's not a he either. You can have difficulties with male-bodied people as well. Difficulties are numberless. Mars of force. Right. And then I remembered... I was thinking about the teaching you've given us about distractions. And I remembered that a long time ago, I read a little book by Ouspensky called Talks with the Devil. And there was one little chapter in there, and what he was proposing is that everybody, when they're born, is assigned a devil. And that your aspirations to the heaven realms or whatever, without Mara or the devil, we would all just kind of float away.

[76:04]

And that the devil was saying, I have a purpose here. And without me being here, you would not stay grounded. And I felt like you're, for me, I felt like you're teaching what you were offering to us about distractions is like our little devils. One of the devils is distractions. Yeah. One of the Maras is distractions. One of the Maras, like my computer, or coffee, or bicycling, or I'm too tired, or whatever. Anyway, all of those are Maras, and they are not he's or she's or they's. So I felt that that's what you were offering us. And so I also, as I thought about Mara, I want to confess I kind of have a problem with the word Buddha. You have a problem with Buddha?

[77:06]

Yeah, the word Buddha. And I remember sort of, I don't know if I was complaining or whining or being curious or whatever, I said to one teacher my complaint about this Buddha thing. And they said, oh, don't worry about it, it's just because you're Jewish. You said that? No, they said that to me. Who are they in your mind? The teachers. One of the teachers says it's because you're Jewish? Yeah. We have some interesting people here. I hear about these things. It's this sort of thing of not having idols. So for me, when I hear that word, it keeps returning to a male-bodied person. And I feel more like the intimate transmission is more like You know, when I take refuge, when I chant that, I feel like I'm taking refuge in wisdom. And so the language, it's not Buddha, but the word Buddha, it brings up.

[78:15]

It brings up. It brings up. So, maybe, not maybe, that is a confession. The Buddha word. So I really appreciate that Mara is kind of our friend. And maybe this last thing, unless you have some words. I remember an exchange between someone and one of the teachers, and they said, so maybe it was like awakening, or I see, or I've cleared, but so what? And the response was, there's always so what. And I saw a little so what, the little talk with the devil, sitting right here by my ear, whatever your word is. You're going like, so what? But to ignore that so what and to keep moving. Anyway, I kind of wanted to give a little, not praise, but appreciation for Mara and the devil.

[79:23]

that we came in with so that we have something to work with and build capacity and some compassion around. Honor Mara. Honor Mara, yeah. If we don't honor Mara, we become enslaved by Mara. Mara doesn't really do it. Whatever we don't honor is an opportunity for being enslaved. So, speak well. Thank you. Should I apologize for shouting out? Pardon? Should that be an apology for shouting out? I don't feel apologetic. I didn't feel like apology was necessary. Or even, if you did it, I would accept it.

[80:27]

I didn't feel like it was called for. And Vanessa? Vanessa? There are many things that I am aware of that I've done that I, in harming people or lying or stealing, that I can confess and repent for. And I have. And continue to do so. And I also wonder about, I'm sure there's things that I've done that harmed others that I'm unaware of.

[81:29]

and I'm sorry about that, and I also just wonder if that's enough. Like, how do I practice with that, with knowing there's probably things I may never know that I did. How can I practice confession and repentance for those things? Well, if we acknowledge that we may have done things that we don't even know about, That's part of what we confess every morning, all my ancient twisted karma. We don't know it all, but we acknowledge that it's from beginningless time. From beginningless time, we don't know it all, but we acknowledge it. And if we wholeheartedly acknowledge it, we'd probably be somewhat humble, you know, and walk around kind of feeling that we're not beyond being called into account at any time.

[82:39]

And I guess if I am aware of my ancient twist, not that I know what it is, but if I'm open to it, then I would also be more open to being called into account. So if you're really willing to be open to being a calling account, that's how you address what you don't know you've done. That's how you're open to possibly learning about some of those things. But you're a different person when you're, you know, you're really committed to be called into account, to be called into question. And part of the reason you might be committed is because you kind of know that you've done more unskillful things than you're aware of. So it's not like, well, I don't have to be... I don't need to be open to being questioned because I'm so... I'm past all my stuff that I've done.

[83:42]

I've confessed for it. I'm free. Yeah, you're free. But you don't even know all the things you've done, so those things are good to be open to in our practice. So, I just want to really understand, you're saying, I'm acknowledging that I know, I mean, countless lives I've had done these things, I've harmed, whatever I've done, I'm acknowledging it and this is liberating and still remaining open to being called into question for those things. Yeah, and also it's not that I did those things, but some I did those things and I inherit that and I'm responsible for that. I wasn't there before, but I'm responsible for whoever was.

[84:46]

And they called themselves I at that time. And I'm responsible for them. And I don't know the extent of it, but I demonstrate that I don't know the extent of it and that I care about it by now being available to be questioned. and to learn how to do that in a way that's sustainable. I want to be able to sustain being questioned. So I need not only to be willing to try it, but to try to learn how I can do it in a way that I feel I want to continue to do it. This would be, for me, an appropriate response to being aware that I don't know all of the unskillful actions that have come to manifest as me. But pretty much they all have, in this particular way.

[85:50]

And because of that, I need to be questioned by others. And I need to be enthusiastic about it so that I can say, thank you. I want this, even though it's not easy for me. And maybe I don't tell the person who is questioning me, you know, this is not easy. Maybe I'd just be quiet about that so they don't feel like I'm trying to tell them to not do it. I want to accept the difficulty of being called into question and say, thank you for it. because I have so much responsibility, with no blame, just unlimited responsibility and unwillingness, unlimited vow to listen to feedback from now on and even after realizing Buddha.

[86:53]

Yes, Will. I'd like to confess to an attempt at Zen comedy that possibly went bad. Would you say that louder, please? I'd like to confess an attempt at Zen comedy that might have gone bad. I've gotten to know Brian since I arrived here, and I felt that he and I have had a few good laughs together.

[88:15]

And so when I saw him in the dining room after lunch yesterday, I said, oh, you're still here. And he said, what do you mean? And I said, there's no faster way to get thrown out of this place than to dump the master's gamassia. And he came right back with, Well, I'll just have to have intimate communion with that. And I thought that sounded right. But while I felt good about my interaction with Brian, what wasn't as clear was, were the other people who heard me say that as tuned in to the humor as I was with Brian? And so I would like to apologize to anyone who overheard that conversation and may have felt that I implied disrespect that way, because it wasn't meant by me that way.

[89:29]

But I really meant to have a good laugh at the end of a good long sit session, great Dharma talk, and pass on through it to the next event. But today I realize, and thank you, Landau, for bringing up the situation. And anyone who may have ever heard that, please accept my apology for that. I will try to be more sensitive in the future. I hear your confession and your vow. And I want to repent of future bad attempts. That's some comedy there. Yeah, you know, one interpretation of the Chinese compound confess and repent is confession is for things we've done and repentance is for the future.

[90:39]

I confess I did this, and I'm sorry, and I'm sorry, the repentance, the sorrow, is for my future action. That analysis is in the Sixth Ancestor's Platform Sutra of the character. So yes, not wanting wishing not to do in the future is part of repentance. That you're renewing your vow for the future. And renewing it with some sorrow. Because you really care about this. I do. I am sorry. And if I have offended anybody, please come see me. Yes.

[92:05]

Come this way. Thank you, Tenshin Roshi, for holding this container in which I can make this offering. I've been taking my practice of the precepts pretty seriously, more seriously than ever, and paying a lot of close attention to it. And today in particular I am finding some difficulty and I wanted to express this because I feel like maybe I'm not the only person who's encountered this kind of phase of the process where I see the precepts and then I see myself acting out of alignment with those and I see the consequence or I see the chaos and there's this sense of

[93:12]

I don't know if I'm up for this. It's like, I know I have the... You don't know what? If I'm up for this, you know? It's like I... And I know that's egoic, and I know that's not the truth, but that's where kind of the thoughts are placed in this moment, at this phase. And it's just like having this puppy... That's like tearing everything up and barking too loudly and you're trying to train it and it's almost kind of this feeling of like, oh my gosh, I don't know if I can do this. And so yeah, I wanted to offer that and offer that kind of knot that's kind of coming up for me right now. And then also too, to take this opportunity to just like declare in front of the Great Assembly that this is my practice and that these precepts are my values and my integrity and, um, what I'm kind of placing my bets on at this point in my life and to just give gratitude for every practice leader and every community member that has called me into question.

[94:27]

Um, and, um, yeah, just to continue to welcome that too, uh, cause it's a lot more difficult to do that kind of on a, Yeah, just by yourself, that's why we have this practice. Thank you. And would you like me to comment on this thought or this feeling, I don't know if I'm up for this? Yes. So, sometimes we might want to, we might wish to do something, like practice compassion. And then a thought might arise, like, I don't know if I'm up for this. And it might be like, I don't know if I'm up for something that's so big and challenging, but sometimes it might be just, I'm tired today. I'm not even up for getting out of bed. Or, okay, I'm going to get out of bed and I'm going to go sit, but, you know, I don't really have much energy for it.

[95:36]

not to mention the practice, the precepts, wholeheartedly. I don't know if I'm up for that. So that such a thought arises in people who want to practice it. So then we have a practice of going to your aspiration, which you expressed. Go and look at your aspiration and just think about it and contemplate it and contemplate it and contemplate it And as you contemplate it, you start to feel like, it really is, this is really a good aspiration I have. I don't know if I'm up for it, but I do aspire to it. But right now I feel like, I don't know if I can do it. Yeah. Well then, contemplate it again. And as you do it more and more, you start to feel like some courage grows in you, some energy grows in you.

[96:39]

We have to keep going back to what you said, you have to keep going back to what you said. This is what you want, this is what you're betting on. The more time you look at that, that's how you refresh your energy. And we're not trying to get rid of the thought, I don't know if I'm up for this, just that thought maybe indication you need to go back to what you aspire to. Because that's the well of your energy and your courage. And it isn't just go back to today and then feel like, okay, I'll keep going. Try to do it every day to refresh your energy, to do this really big thing you want to do. That's the fourth perfection. Perfection. energy, courage, enthusiasm. It has to be refreshed. And the place to refresh it is right where you just said, this is what I'm betting on.

[97:42]

And it's a good bet, I think. So I'm going to just keep looking at that until I feel like it's not so much... Maybe I even feel like maybe I can do it. I'm going to try it. But not today. And then go back there again to your aspiration. This is really good. I'm going to try today. I'm ready. Okay? Thank you. Maybe you could stand here because you have a mask on so people can hear your clarifying question. I was wondering if you wanted to have lunch on time today.

[98:47]

Are you the Sokobai in a chance? Yeah, and if you want to have a late lunch, that's fine. Some people would be leaving normally at this time. That's a clarifying question. And I confess, I don't usually have coffee in the morning. I usually have half caff. But I had complete fat caffeine. That's why I probably came up here and requested coffee. So, and you have a clarifying question, so let's now clarify it. Is it okay if we stop now and have a little break and do noon service? Is that right? So then maybe we can have it approximately on time? Maybe so. Yeah. Thank you. Please, please go ahead and get ready for this. May our attention be with him, so that we may have a place with him, through whom we may pray to Allah, without disrespect.

[100:03]

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