This morning I want to talk about two things. One is habitual judgment, since Art was so kind as to bring Judicia, who is here in her very own pillowcase. But I also want to talk about stubbornness, and you'll see why in a minute. Um, I have a great fondness for Judicia. Ah, the gavel. There she is. Her gavel. And her finger. Right? Get it? Now, one of the great things about being a little playful with what we work with in Dharma practice is that the lightheartedness can help us stay with what is sometimes difficult to stay with.

[01:22]

And for those of us who have a deeply set habit of judgment. The consequences of that habit are a lot of suffering, certainly for oneself and often for others as well. And being able to actually draw pictures of that voice, in this case actually let her manifest, or I guess this is her, but you could have a void judish, let's see, what would it be? Judicious, something like that. And actually beginning to do a certain amount of just automatic writing, where you write out what the messages are, what the statements are, can be a way of beginning to have some distance from

[02:26]

that habit at the same time that one is actually gathering more information about that habit. And I've been emphasizing the habit of judgment in the class I'm doing on Right Speech, but as those of you who have been practicing with me for some time know that this is a focus that comes up, I think, ongoingly and manifests in many different ways and is important to work with actively because in my experience this is the biggest single obstacle for developing a capacity to be present, to be awake. And what we do to get away from the consequences of those thoughts and the speaking that arises from habitual judgment varies enormously from one person to another.

[03:30]

But I think there's a certain point in many people's lives where we just want to flee. And of course, what we turn away from looms. There's this paradox. What we turn away from can, in our mind, seem to get bigger and bigger and bigger. And the process of actually dismantling habitual judgment can be quite interesting. And maybe even amusing. I remember some years ago when someone who was living here at the time, what is now the library, and the house was a kind of studio. It was the old garage, which we converted into a big studio and place for the washing machines, et cetera. This person is quite a good artist and was in working in the studio part of the room drawing.

[04:35]

And I didn't quite know what she was up to. I was nearby. And all of a sudden, I heard these peals of laughter. And she had drawn her critic as Mr. T. T for terrible. Because he was terrible, but also everything he saw and commented on, he viewed as terrible. And she made him in the figure of a big capital T, this big arm. And he had a dagger with a baby bleeding, you know, off the dagger because this person had had an abortion. I mean, you know, everything was there. And she started writing out the dialogue. And after about 20 minutes, 30 minutes of writing out the dialogue, she stepped back and she looked at this picture and she just burst into howls of laughter.

[05:43]

Because the whole picture was so outrageous. And she could see the consequences of that inner dialogue in a way that had not been possible for a number of years. So anything we can do to begin to see pattern helps us not get lost in the content of a specific episode of judgment, if you will. Do you understand what I mean when I say that? And of course, when we begin to see pattern, we already have a little distance, a wider state of mind with what we're looking at. Now bear with me, those of you who've heard me tell this story before, Betty is an actual witness. I was doing a weekend on the judge up in Sacramento and borrowed judicia.

[06:51]

And on Sunday morning, it was a two-day workshop, and on Sunday morning before we started, I had her sitting on a Zafu next to me, and before we started our first session, I put her in my lap and I crossed her legs. She's very good at full Lotus. Unlike most of us. I can't do it right now because I don't have enough. My third arm is in retirement. And at some point I just did this. Which is of course the mudra of generosity. And immediately the whole figure changes tone. No? That's what the whole path in Buddhism is about, is the possibility of transformation. That there isn't anything that we can't transform. even such afflicted and challenging states of mind as those that arise from the habit of judgment.

[08:02]

So, she's on loan to Art. Thank you for bringing her. I'd like to keep her for a little while, maybe take her to San Diego with me. I have to think about that. I don't know if she's got frequent flyer miles, but we'll see. We'll find out. You can take your choice, all right? Okay. As some of you know because you've been sending me emails, His Holiness the Dalai Lama is unwell enough so that he cancelled the teachings that he was scheduled to be giving now in Bodh Gaya, which is a very big deal.

[09:11]

His Holiness has not got a big record for cancelling things just because he's not feeling well. Was it you, Jane, that brought this latest? Karen, good, thanks. I'd actually like to read this email because I think there are several things. Well, maybe I don't need to. read the official description about cancelling. That particular piece in the message is written by a wonderful monk who's now chairman of the ruling body for the Tibetan government in exile, Somdong Rinpoche, lovingly called in India S. Rinpoche.

[10:18]

That was pretty good. His Holiness left the opening ceremony 15 minutes after everything began with the announcement that he would not be able to continue. Then there's excerpts from the Dalai Lama, his statement, which I'd like to read to you. The reason why I briefly wanted to meet you is not connected with spiritual or religious matters. Since I've been here for several days, I thought it is best if I meet with you briefly. I wanted to brief you on the events and developments and what we should do in the future. At first, we should say a short prayer. Normally, I am in very good health.

[11:21]

Because of this, my officials and advisors have always been recommending that I relax more and take more rest. But I've always tended to ignore this piece of advice. I wonder if he's the only one in the room. I have been stubborn in not listening to their advice. When I came from South India to Bodh Gaya, I was in excellent health. A week back, I made a pilgrimage to Nalanda and the Vulture's Peak. Normally in Tibetan tradition, we believe that if we face difficulties and obstacles during our pilgrimage, we will gain more spiritual merit. So I walked up to Vulture's Peak with the help of a walking stick. For a year, I had some minor problems with my knee. Remembering the many kindnesses of the Buddha, I made this pilgrimage. I perspired a lot.

[12:23]

I prayed a great deal at the vulture's peak. I think I became ill because I was exposed to extreme temperatures. In the afternoon, I had lunch and made a pilgrimage to Nalanda. After that, I went by car to Patna. The journey by car was two hours, But after about an hour in the car, I developed extreme pain in my stomach. The pain in my stomach increased. When I arrived at the hotel in Patna, I perspired a lot. I think I became exposed to extreme temperatures. I took both Tibetan and Western medicines, and my basic illness has been cured, but I think it will take some time for me to recover completely. He was diagnosed with gastroenteritis. When I was 37 years old, I suffered from jaundice. It took more than two or three weeks for me to recover. I suffer from exhaustion, though I suffer from no pain.

[13:26]

Normally, when I have fever or other ailments, I recover rapidly. This time, although I have recovered, I still suffer from exhaustion and I tire very quickly. Because of this, I have not been able to conduct the preliminary teachings. Because of the prolonged prayers, many hours of preparation for the conduct of the Kalachakra teachings, I thought in my present health it would be foolish on my part to persist in giving what is basically a very exhausting set of teachings and empowerment. Normally, we advise people not to be stubborn, and if I myself remain stubborn, I see no benefit and reason. Because of this, I decided to postpone the Kalachakra teachings." Then he goes on to talk about how he was maybe going to do the teachings from his room. I mean, he's really a hardcore case when it comes to certain kinds of boundaries and limits.

[14:29]

As said by Shantideva in his The Way of the Bodhisattva, for the sake of repaying the many kindnesses of the lamas and great masters, it is better to remain in good health and live long to benefit the dharma and sentient beings. For these reasons, to remain in good health is important. And then he goes on to talk about it's easier for the people who have come from nearby, for people from far away, Please don't be disappointed. Think of your great motivation to spiritually benefit from being in such a sacred place. I felt a little better once I sat on the throne. If I feel better, I will give short teachings this next week. Now, the request is to do the Tara Mantras for His Holiness' swift recovery.

[15:34]

It has also been advised that one do the animal liberation practice by this Sunday if possible. Purchasing earthworms from bait shops and releasing them with the appropriate prayers is a good way to accomplish this. It's great. It's just great. So, I do hope that you will join me in doing prayers and dedicating the positive energy that comes from our practices to His Holiness's recovery. He is one of the great teachers in the Buddhist tradition and a remarkable voice for sanity and peace. and the path for peacefulness in our world and able to, has been able to reach people from many different cultures and many different traditions to a remarkable degree.

[16:41]

What I find interesting in his being so self revealing about his tendencies is that he's He's describing what I see among my colleagues, my fellow Buddhist teachers. And to some degree, practitioners who are not necessarily sitting in the teaching seat. A tendency to push ourselves, a tendency to not recognize that, of course, depending on our motivation, taking care of ourselves can be a kindness for those in our lives. that our ability to practice and our ability to cultivate the mind, our ability to act in wholesome ways is much more possible, much easier if we're taking care of ourselves. And over and over again in the many years that I've been practicing, what I've mostly seen is teachers being stubborn

[17:54]

persisting and not taking care of themselves. So that of course then communicates something to the people that we are practicing with. And what this arises from often is a kind of stubbornness about who we are and how we should be. And I imagine that we all have our own versions of that, that difficulty. When we first started getting emails about His Holiness being unwell, my daughter was taking things off the computer for me And she wanted to know how old His Holiness is. I said, well, he's the same age I am.

[18:56]

She said, oh, I didn't know that. He will be 60. He's 66. He'll be 67 this July. Creeping towards 70. 70 is like 50. Oh my god, I'm about to be 50. Oh, I'm almost 70. All our ideas about what it means to get old crop up. One of the areas where stubbornness arises in we human beings is around wanting to do things ourselves, wanting not to be helpless, wanting to be in control. wanting to always be able to do everything. And of course, aging is very much about changing one's relationship to being in control, developing a willingness to be helpless when one is helpless or need help.

[20:13]

For any of you who've read Tuesdays with Maury, It's a wonderful description of this transition on the part of this man who said, you know, when I can't wipe my own ass, that's it. I'm out of here. I'm going to check out. And it's the story of his coming to accept being taken care of, even to the point of having someone else wipe his ass, which was initially the ultimate challenge and unacceptable. But for many of us, we won't be as lucky as Maury, who was able to make that transition from nobody's going to be helping me

[21:18]

to accepting help of many different sorts. For many of us, we may not be able to make that transition unless we start making it earlier rather than later. And we can be very stubborn. This is one of the places where we human beings can be extremely stubborn about our limitations. And of course, the great paradox is that we, in that stubbornness about, nope, I don't need your help, I can do it, we keep ourselves from receiving gifts and kindness from others. And there is, pardon me, a kind of gift

[22:21]

that one gives in allowing someone to take care of us. There's the gift giving of accepting the gift, the gifts. There's the gift giving that comes from accepting help, even if maybe we could do it by ourselves. Just saying, oh, thank you. How kind of you. But of course, that process of accepting help, of accepting our own moment of helplessness, or at least benefiting from accepting help, What keeps us from, in that moment, accepting? I think often what arises for many of us is a fear of a certain kind of vulnerability, a fear around not living up to our press release, a fear about what we keep secret so no one will know,

[23:50]

During the winter retreat, because of my sleep disorder, sometimes even when I take the medicine that I take for this disorder that I have, it may be as much as three hours between when I take the medicine and when I go to sleep. And so getting up for the first sitting at six was not really in the cards. And I felt enormous kindness from everyone in the retreat. I would show up after breakfast, which meant that I, every night, actually had enough sleep so that I had good energy during the retreat, during the day from, say, 9.30 until we ended at 9 or so. But, you know,

[25:04]

That meant for me climbing over all of my conditioning about, you know, I should get up at 5.30. The two people I've been working with around this sleep business this past year have been practically tearing their hair out about, please don't keep trying to get up early. So when I read this statement from His Holiness and he had a statement about stubborn, I thought, ah, yes. And of course, what I experienced during the winter retreat was great kindness and consideration from everyone in the retreat. How foolish to cut ourselves off from those kindnesses that come often so easily from other people.

[26:10]

As some of you may know, I was just in Oaxaca, Mexico I went there to take some of my friend's ashes down there, to place them there. A friend of mine who lived in New York for the 30 years that I knew him, and we were going to go to Oaxaca a year and some months ago, Thanksgiving of year before last, but he died before we got there. Actually, the week we were going to go. And my friend lived in Oaxaca for about five years and got to know two very interesting women, one from Colombia and the other born and raised in Mexico, Mexico City, but now lives in Oaxaca.

[27:27]

And part of the trip down there was so we would all meet each other, et cetera. So as my daughter said, well, we were going to go to Oaxaca with Gene, and we're still going to Oaxaca with Gene. He's just in a different form. And we took his ashes. A mutual friend was the Minister of Culture for Mexico for six years and did a lot in Oaxaca State. So when we got there, I said, I'm hoping that you can help us find a good place to place Jean's ashes. And she said, would you consider Monte Alban, which is a great site, great archaeological site, and a very important area for the pre-Spanish people.

[28:28]

And I said, well, that would be wonderful. thought of it because, of course, once we got there, we could see Montalban up high overlooking the Oaxaca Valley. So she called her friend who manages the park, who said, oh, yes, exactly. There was no difficulty about scattering ashes. She said, I will come after the park is closed, and I will have my trusted assistant meet you and make sure there's no one who will be disturbing you. And I'd like to suggest an area where people don't go very often, one of the tomb sites. So we went there and indeed this young man escorted us and was a kind of protector for our taking Jean's ashes there. So the five of us with my friend's ashes went up facing the West

[29:33]

scattered his ashes over the embankment on that area of the mountain. And what came up, comes up now just in speaking about it, was kind of a terrible grief that I feel for my friend. who could never let someone know what he wanted or needed. He told all of his friends, I found out after he died, that he wanted to come here to die. He told all his friends that he considered me his teacher, but he never said that to me.

[30:35]

So we talked a lot. about meditation practice, but there was a way in which I always felt a little holding back. He depended on third party speaking to have whoever needs to know what he wanted them to know. Of course it doesn't always work that way, does it? He had some heartbreaking experiences late in his life and had a very hard time making a living and had a lifetime difficulty with money. So when he died, I unraveled a lot of the consequences of his life after he died. He had, in one drawer, credit cards on end, this many.

[31:41]

And he had something like $300,000 in credit card debt. Can you imagine what the shuffle and juggle would be like? This is somebody who helped an enormous number of people and was extraordinarily kind. One of the kindest people I've ever known. But he was never able to let the parts of his life that he didn't know how to take care of come forth. a kind of deep stubbornness mixed with fear.

[32:45]

So this evening that we, just as the sun was setting when we scattered his ashes, What was so interesting to me was that for all of us who were involved in this process, there was this upwelling of enormous gratitude and incredible grief. We then went to a Basque restaurant in downtown Oaxaca, which was Gene's favorite restaurant, where we had Neal eating all the things he liked to eat. It seemed fitting. But I thought of him again as I was reading His Holiness's remarks and thinking a little bit about the consequences of a kind of stubbornness about letting others really see us fully, letting ourselves.

[34:07]

go to that kind of vulnerability that comes with acknowledging, oh, here in this circumstance of my life, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to be with whatever it may be. Stubbornness can of course become a habit. But I also want to invite your thinking with me about what are the elements that feed being stubborn about something. And to just hang out in your own lives with that question.

[35:19]

if stubborn is a place any of you goes to. It's a kind of, oh no, not me, not me. I know for myself, when I begin to be a little stubborn about something, what's really going on is a kind of insistence about how things are going to be, or how they should be, or how I should be, a kind of insistence, which is so different from a more open-handed way of being. where many possibilities beyond what I can imagine may come forth if I'm a little open to those around me.

[36:27]

I notice, for example, having a lot to do and so being in a bit of a rush can be the ground for going to that place of, it's going to be like this, getting caught with expectation, for example. But also, I think we can get caught by the sense of who we are, that sense of I am, sense of self that is such a central focal point in Buddhism, sometimes called the sense of false self, can be a factor. We have a certain sense about who we are and how we are and what we're able to do.

[37:35]

And of course, if we're not paying attention, all of that is continually changing, continually Those of us of a certain age are beginning to understand this dramatically with, you know, knees and hips and other unmentionable, unmentionable parts that, as Bill puts it, are, you know, it's the wear and tear on the chassis. But the wear and tear on the chassis has an effect on the sense of, well, who am I? Of course I can drive to L.A. on Highway 5 in 6 hours, as does my stepson regularly and often. But what really fits is to go down 101 and take a 10-hour drive, which may take a couple of days.

[38:40]

That's what fits this week. Maybe there's even some relationship between the judge, the habitual judging voice, and stubborn. I think so. None of these habits are conducive to ease and relaxation. One of the wonderful things about my experiences with my dear teacher the late Tartulku was his just being around him with

[39:54]

for me to experience what deep ease looks like in practice. Where we would do a month long retreat and he would certainly practice with great vigor and energy and attention. But he was so relaxed. Extraordinarily relaxed. And in the midst of those retreats, I could see boundless compassion of a sort I'd never experienced. And I'm quite certain that there is a connection. Okay, I think that's enough. It seems that for me part of this difficulty accepting help has to do with not deserving as if there's some hierarchy of who deserves and who doesn't.

[41:17]

And I'm far enough to see the inconsistency in that logic given my belief experience that everybody deserves us, so why aren't I included? There's that. Then there's this whole notion of gaining merit. And I'm wondering if you could unpack some of that. I'm not sure I can unpack the gaining nerd business, which is such a big deal, particularly among the Tibetans. I mean, I remember one time when the late Tar Tulku went on a teaching trip in Canada. He was here, and then he went away, and then he came back, and he'd done some, I don't know, million of mantras, which he was just thrilled with, and it was like,

[42:25]

being a bean counter, I just, you know. And I think that the whole notion about gaining merit or doing things to earn merit is very tied to the whole system around belief in past and future lives. It's a way of effecting a wholesome rebirth, etc. On the other hand, gaining merit is continuously being dedicated to others. So, it's complicated. You know, in the four immeasurables verse that's sometimes used as a dedication verse, there's a line about, and may we believe in the equality of all who live, which gets to the point that you were making about everyone deserves kindness, well-being, etc.

[43:33]

And one of the reasons I have this picture up here is because, you know, mosquitoes are often not on the list of deserving. We all have our edge, you know, mosquitoes, rats. In Mexico, it was scorpions. What we're afraid of. I have more sense about what you were saying about this notion that you don't deserve. And it seems to me that that's really one manifestation of judgment. There's this hierarchy. Well, that's all about, you know, the good beings and the undeserving beings. And the more specific we can be in recognizing the different aspects, the different expressions of habitual judgment

[44:44]

the more we can begin to unhook ourselves from going to believing those thoughts. It's not that the thoughts won't keep coming up, and I think it's very, very important to understand this, and often is not understood, that it's not that we're going for getting rid of habitual judgment, we're going for changing our relationship to those thoughts. And if we can begin to have a little distance, we can begin to see, oh, here's another version of habitual judgment, and just do noting whenever that comes up. Then we begin to have this distance from the patterns of thoughts, and we stop believing them. We stop listening to them. We stop thinking, oh, yes, that's right. I'm not deserving.

[45:45]

I mean, I certainly, for me, the merit of what we do that we dedicate to others, I just, I'm not sure I get the merit business. But I certainly understand the positive and wholesome energy that arises from our practices and the sense of dedicating that energy to the well-being of others. That makes sense to me, in the way that the energy that arises from doing prayers for people who are sick or have died as a way of manifesting and extending that positive energy for the well-being that we may not ever know how it manifests, except that, you know, now we've got Westerners, Western docs studying the effect of prayers on people. But intuitively, at least for some people, certainly it's been true for me, the sense of praying for somebody, it just makes a great deal of sense to me.

[47:01]

But it's a kind of extending energy, holding in my heart. You know, it's where the meditation on the Medicine Buddha, I think, is extremely potent form of prayer. Potent because of the potency of that form of visualization. So, I think if we don't understand certain traditional language, I would hope that we don't just immediately say, oh, well, there's something wrong with me, I don't understand that. Well, maybe I don't understand it, and maybe it's partially language, and maybe there's a certain cultural component. I mean, I've talked to virtually every Tibetan teacher I studied, especially the sense of accumulating merit for oneself in the future.

[48:03]

I just don't get it. I'm not yet ready to say, you know, let's not do that, but just I think there's a cultural component that's pretty strong. And, of course, the whole issue about past and future lives. I remember one time when Rinpoche was teaching at Gringoltsch, and he said to somebody, Norman Fisher brought this up because he had a hard time with past and future lives. And Rinpoche said, well, if you don't believe in past and future lives, you can't be a Buddhist. There was this kind of... In the room, because it was a room full of people who just didn't buy it. But you know, there's nothing in the early sutras about past and future lives. There's nothing in the record we have of the teachings of the historical Buddha that talks at all about past and future lives. It's all about right now, this lifetime. Now, I have a kind of intuitive sense about past and future lives from sitting

[49:14]

with people while they're dying and sitting with their corpses, which I did for a long time, way before I ever was exposed to this whole notion about past and future lives. I just think we in the West are so fixed on what's real, it's in the realm of matter form. And especially cultures that exist in very high elevations, the non-form realms are much more just accepted. The spirit world is accepted in a certain way. But I certainly feel like I've got my hands full with this life. I'll just focus on, you know, today. Anyway, I don't... I don't know if that's useful. I've thought about this stuff a lot and just haven't come to any place where I feel like I get it.

[50:21]

Maybe it's because my first teachers, Suzuki Roshi, talked so much about not practicing with any gaining idea. And there's some gaining business here, unless I'm misunderstanding. It hardly hooks for me, my Sunday school, and then I can get in that rut. What's the aspect of the Sunday school experience that basically evil, gotta spend your life trying to overcome something that's essentially not overcomable. But that's not, you don't find any of that in Buddhism. And I guess that's what I'm saying is that maybe there's a way that that early conditioning gets equated with this notion of merit gaining

[51:33]

realms of existence that have superficial similarity but maybe a deeper similarity? Well, you know I also grew up with teachings on original sin and when I first started studying the Buddhist teachings his statement about our essential nature is virtuous and pure and I thought well between these two notions, I've tried this one, I'm gonna try this one and see what the consequences of that are. And so far, pretty good. In the sense of the meditation path being about transformation of suffering, transformation of afflicted states of mind, our ability to transform any of that to wholesomeness and ultimately to wisdom. I mean, it's why I've got I'm self-surrounded with this remarkable sacred art tradition, which is all about the possibility of transformation, which I find experientially accurate.

[52:45]

Not quick, maybe. The transforming process may not be so quick, except in some cases, it's like, wow, look at what just shifted. You know, doing the transformation meditation with anger, for example, and being able to drop to the emotions that are underneath the more presenting emotions, opens up the possibility of transforming the energy of all those afflictive emotions into more wholesome states. Just experientially, you begin to get a sense of that. Yeah, and this deserving, just the little move to, well, maybe I do deserve certain things, has a way of shifting into the whole notion of deserving as flawed in its beginnings. I think the notion about deserving or not deserving is tricky also from the standpoint of a certain kind of pride on the deserving end.

[53:59]

Well, I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be rich. I deserve blah, blah, blah. Which is why it's flawed. I mean, all of a sudden, you start off with, well, nobody should I shouldn't allow anybody to wipe my ass, but I could wipe somebody else's ass because they deserve, but I don't. Well, okay, well maybe if I did deserve that, then what's the difference? And there is no difference, so. Well, there's another hazard here, which is a lot of thinking about, and you might just drop the whole thing. I mean, it sounds like you've done enough inquiry and looking into these categories and you might be inching towards just dropping it. I mean, I think the process of looking into is extremely useful and at a certain point, I mean, what you just said suggests maybe it's time to

[55:05]

Recycle this. I was doing okay, but then when I read the message and they go back to merit, I was like, whoa, wait a second, now that's yanking me right back into this. But you have to keep in mind that Tibetan Buddhism comes from a culture that is very hierarchical, feudal, from the Middle Ages. This is, there's a lot of the a lot of what is embedded in Tibetan Buddhism is essentially cultural. It's why Ken's book is so useful because he's really stripped away a lot of the culture baggage to clarify what are the essential teachings. And I think this is in that territory of being significantly cultural. And of course, what's interesting is that His holiness is more free of the cultural baggage of any teacher within the Tibetan tradition I've ever encountered, even historical teachers.

[56:15]

He often is criticized because he goes too far. He'd like to completely eliminate astrology and all the divination stuff and all of that, It's not in the cards, given his function as the leader of the Tibetans. He's in a tricky position. Okay. Aren't there aspects of the transformation possibility similar to the ideas of gaining merit? Maybe not quite. I mean, they're different, but in the possibilities of transformation, does, I don't want to say create merit, but it does sort of create anxiety. It's hard to say. Go ahead, just don't be quite so careful. I won't jump all over you for your language, I promise.

[57:23]

As I transform and ease some of my own suffering, that affects everyone around you in a notorious way. And I understand that the gaining merit idea that you're speaking of is not, is different lifetimes and other esoterica or other cultures or other systems, but it still is part of the transformation, the possibility of transformation that we're here. Well, this is why I think using different language can be helpful, to let go of the merit notion and think about the positive, wholesome consequences of dismantling my own reactive patterns. And of course, the paradox is

[58:23]

that transformation rests upon the willingness to be present with what's so, including one's afflictive patterns. So the very dismantling, if I get too hooked on what I'm going for is dismantling, that keeps me from being willing to be present with what's so, including some nasty states of mind and unwholesome habits, et cetera, et cetera. And the only way through, which each one only, we can only know this, each of us individually in our own experience, this wonderful paradox that when I'm present in attention with anger, for example, the anger just goes poof. And in the process of being present with anger, experientially know what emotional territory is underneath.

[59:31]

So this paradox about, oh, to be in attention, present with unwholesome states of mind is the necessary process for transformation. But I have to be very careful about my motivation. Because if my motivation is to get rid of, then what I'm practicing is more aversion. But I think you can easily describe what you witness as the positive consequences of certain shifts and lessening of patterning in yourself. You know, you see it with your children, you see it with the people you work with, etc. Can you relate that to merit? See, I'm not interested in relating it to merit, because the idea of merit is so fraught, at least up until now, for me.

[60:36]

I haven't yet found... It just doesn't work for me. It's too... fraught with a lot of... accumulation stuff. The whole notion of accumulating merit I find very Tibetan. To continue with what she was saying about asking for help from me, it's hard for me to ask for help at times in my life it has been. Up until now. Up until now. Thank you. I'm afraid people will be confused. That's been my experience at times. So I'm afraid to ask. And what happens out of those earlier experiences where we ask for help and we're turned down, we become blind to the situations where we ask for help and there's a kind of

[61:51]

a readiness for help. And it's process and outcome again also. If I'm willing to put it out there that I need some help and I may or may not get it from around me, but at least I'm putting that out there. But yeah, I think that's a major stumbling block around I'm gonna do it all by myself and I'm not gonna risk being turned down. And you know, one of the things that's so interesting about that kind of conditioning is that what goes with it is a consistent inability to know my audience, an inability to know who I'm asking. So part of my conditioning is going to the very person who's the least likely to say, yes, I'll help you. I mean, I think they're connected.

[62:54]

If I learned all this with my mother, I'm going to keep finding versions of my mother to get to help me, and it's like that. It's painful. I mean, that's a lot of what was going on with my friend that I was talking about who He had an incredibly abusive father. Paul? I think that's true, I mean, you know, that going to the will. And the other part for me is, I'll say it in the past, is going to somebody that did help me, and at some point, they're going to disappoint me. So if I kind of just totally think, well gee, I can always ask for help. I will always get it. That ain't gonna happen. Because it ain't, you know. Yeah. Well, what I can imagine from that perspective is being in a kind of kid place where I want what I'm really going for is a kind of unconditional

[64:11]

help, unconditional love, unconditional regard, instead of doing my own work. Yes? I was also thinking about the irony of the judge and also of stubbornness, which when I do the writing exercises to embrace that part of myself is really ultimately to protect myself. Now, there's another possibility in writing out the inner dialogue, which is not to embrace that voice, but to know it. And to begin in knowing what the actual messages are, to then begin to open up the possibility of a different relationship to those thoughts, those sentences. You don't want to be embracing this. It's this, you know. Which means the judge bird can fly off whenever it's ready.

[65:18]

Yeah, I guess I don't mean necessarily embrace, but accept. Be more accepting toward it. Watch out for the whisper of holding that goes with accepting. I mean, I understand what you mean, and I think that's sound. But I think we have to be careful. Often we'll talk about dealing with something. There's an antagonistic quality in that language. The way we talk about our relationship to the inner dialogue that often comes out of, almost always comes out of our conditioning. can be very useful to pay attention to. Yeah. It's tricky because that motivation, it's a fine line sometimes.

[66:18]

Yes, yes, I think that's right. Yeah. I think that's exactly right. Yes, Lynn. As you're talking today, I find myself churning around the precept not to take that which is not given has been interesting for me to watch is I juggle things like caretaking a sick friend and wanting to be of good use, wanting to be helpful, wanting to be kind, feeling a lot of energy for it, and also the possibility of my own schedule getting more crazy and rushed. and then throw that in with some perimenopausal power surges that feel physiologically like anger. Just trying to move a rug, my joints aren't working, they're not giving me the ease of movement I deserve.

[67:26]

And just wanting to pick the damn thing up and throw it across the room and all of a sudden there's this burst of sort of unusual all of a sudden, and so in there, sitting with the precept not to take that which is not given, finding it helpful at times, reminder of not taking from myself what I can't give. That I could go and fake it. I could go and see my friend and be nice to him, and underneath be cranky and pissed off. Not necessarily in him, but just, you know, just in my life, sort of too rushed. But that often goes with overextension. Right, yeah. Yes, and so recognizing that is a cue that I'm actually taking from myself something I don't have to give. Or in the incident with the rug, of throwing the rug, scaring Alan, we were trying to move some things around.

[68:31]

you know, recognizing in that moment that I need some kindness for myself, that my body's been changing a lot these past few years, and as I struggle with some things, that it's like being a toddler. I can visually, in the same way that you see a toddler, can visualize, oh, I want to run over to the room and grab Betty's cup, but I don't know how to walk that far yet. So I start off, and you fall over, and then you're enraged because you can visualize something, but you're not physically capable in that moment of doing that. Well, I also think that part of what I hear you describing is some assuming that what you've been able to do in the past, you are continuing to be able to do. And, you know, there's a certain point in our lives where it's probably skillful to check in and say, well, and who is here today? What body do I have this morning?

[69:35]

And that's where the not to take that which is not given. My body is no longer giving certain motions with ease. You are not a 20-year-old today. Maybe tomorrow, but not today. Yeah. Well, I want to recommend, as I have to several of you, get a toy ambulance. Toys R Us has matchbox ambulances. and bring it home and put it on blocks. I have five. Because I have a tendency to give them away. Well, that's in the, you know, the playful department. Very helpful. I don't get it. What's the ambulance? Ambulance drivers, rescuing, running around out there taking care of everybody instead of oneself.

[70:40]

But you know, there's also the question which I have found enormously helpful. Is what I am about to do including taking care of myself or instead of taking care of myself? And it's the question, as a practice question, that helps me enact knowing that the ambulance is on blocks, that I'm not just out there, you know, rescuing the world even in my sleep, doing astral projections. I had a reading one time about 40 years ago like that. That's when I went and got an ambulance. Yeah. The word that keeps coming up inside me about, and I have an image that goes with it, is severity. About the stubbornness that comes from being severe with self.

[71:43]

And the image I had was being in Japan once and going to a monastery where I spent the night and going downstairs the next morning. And it was very cold and it was very, hard marble floor and there were no Zafus or Zabutans and people sat there, the monks were sitting there and I sat in the back of the room with an air, I mean they may not have been, this was my take on it, but I returned to that image with such an air of we will do this no matter what and there wasn't a glimmer of kindness or generosity for themselves and what they were doing. The way their spines were held was so hard And there's something, at least in my personal way of dealing with stubbornness that I hear, which has to do with that notion that commitment to severity is a way of life, which is incredibly unkind.

[72:44]

And opposed to that, and I'm feeling very moved today because I went to hear David White speak last night. And I was so struck, he's a poet, by him, a practitioner. And I was so struck by his opening up a sense of passion and commitment with all edges soft and floating and flowing. I mean, I was moved to tears by him. He was so beautiful in that sense. And the opposite of that, which I think I struggle with and maybe you're talking about, is a kind of self-imposed severity, which I remember when I was in India watching and being one of the people who were doing a lot of prostrations and not knowing why until finally I had done a lot of them and realized I was liking them at the very moment I was doing them and then it was fine. But all the people who were all counting, I did 500 today, I did 300 today, I did 1000 today, whatever, and the monks who were sitting there sweating and perspiring and doing millions of them, towards what end?

[73:54]

and I wondered whether there was a presence in the moment of doing the prostrations, and there might have been, but at least for me, I was doing it for the idea of adding up, counting. I was bean counting for myself until finally it got to being less severe, and then I enjoyed doing each prostration as I did it. But that openness, that open-endedness, that being able to have edges that aren't keen cut like swords and knives, as being so the boundaries keep open. And he talked a lot about that. Well, part of what you're bringing up, again, raises the question of understanding what is cultural with Buddhism and what is Buddhism. I mean, that severity that you witnessed in a monastery in Japan is quintessentially Japanese. You know, the Japanese keep their watchdogs on a chain that's so short that in their lifetimes they can never lie down with their head on the ground.

[75:02]

But they do that to themselves. That's what you were experiencing. And, you know, one of the difficulties in Japanese Zen is the heart-centered practices, the practices that have to do with love and kindness. and open-heartedness are simply not articulated. Which is not to say that there isn't some of that quality among individual teachers, but it's not in the practice itself. That's why I think the combination of Zen and Theravadin is a perfect combination. the two traditions complement each other. Okay, well, we came home, of course it was, you know, in the 80s in Oaxaca.

[76:05]

Got home late one evening, the next morning I looked out the window and the entire garden was white. Ice this thick at two in the afternoon in all the buckets. It was like, what's been going on? So today we have read. Nice to see you. Take good care of yourselves. We'll have another half day on the 9th, February.

[76:34]

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