You know, every single melody of Sri Ramayana plays from the Sri Ramayana that they read, the Sri Ramayana that they read. chanting that vow, I felt on one side that it's nice that you've learned it so well that you can chant it quite rapidly.

[01:12]

And that I felt a little bit like we were trying to get it over with as soon as possible. Anybody else feel that? No? I would suggest we, next time we do it, that we do it slower. You can't hear me? The microphone that you have also helps those who are hearing impaired to be able to hear you. Oh, you couldn't hear that? Can I be just this minute, as you come?

[03:09]

No, I'm hanging out. Good job. Good. Well, it's, yeah, it was kind of buzzing. Can't. I would suggest that when you're having talks, that you sit near the speaker, like right in front. I would suggest that. What do you think? Yes, I can. I could hear it fine on this yesterday, but there's no sound today. You can't hear it today very well? Right here, like Richard did.

[04:39]

Right here. Can you hear me now? Is there anything anybody would like to express? Thank you.

[06:04]

If anyone would like to come forward and express themselves, please do so. Where did you go? Come forward, up here. Like here? Yeah. Well, that's perfect. Right there. Because you can hear me, right? Where did you go? I went to Los Angeles. And then I went to Santa Barbara. And in Los Angeles, I met with my grandson and daughter. And a wife. and managed that environment in two days and two years.

[07:20]

It didn't seem like you left. Great. I was hoping for that. in their expression? Who is to sort out what is the self and what is the inconceivable?

[08:27]

Is there sorting out happening, or is it...? Who is to sort out what is the self and what is the inconceivable? a non-valid, an invalid, non-valid consciousness will sort out what is self and what is inconceivable. A valid consciousness will not sort them out because it will see that they are inconceivable. There's only an invalid one that would even see that. Is there an invalid one who would see that? Is it an invalid one that would see what? The invalid one that would see the sorting out or the non-sorting out.

[09:36]

A non-valid cognition will see. will see a separation. But the only thing that the non-valid one can see is sorting out? All it can see is duality. That's why it's not valid, because all it can see is duality. And the valid one is not owned? It's not owned, do you say? Correct. I feel the need to make a confession.

[10:44]

Okay. About doubt. Yes. And I feel like I'm having some big-time doubt. And the Koran and the Psalms, they're negative shots. The situation? I laugh too at that. at this lying that looks around and finds everything ridiculous. Everything ridiculous? Everything. These beings in these robes and serving food and not making any noise and trying not to make noise and just things. Ridiculous. Does kindness seem ridiculous? No, love and kindness.

[11:45]

Love and kindness. We don't see the love and kindness with these people. Being careful to not make any noise. I look for that. I... That moment... And it's really sweet. But then this other part of my mind just looks at it like, why can't we talk to each other and smile at each other and embrace each other? They'll walk around with their eyes down and not look at each other. That starts feeling painful to me, and I have a hard time finding or accessing the love that I know is there. But it's hard for me to And the way you see it, you feel like that's what you want to see, right?

[12:51]

You want to see that. It's nice when I feel that. It's nice when you say that? Yeah. Yeah, I think that's the same for all of us. We all want to see that. And seeing that is called the self-receiving points of mind. Do you see that? And when we don't see it, the reason for that is certain people that meet get what? How come they can't see it sometimes? Karmic hindrance. Karmic hindrance, right. So when people are like, I don't know, what, three years old, two years old, and they run up to you and say... Mensa! Sometimes you can see quite easily the love that when they're old can wrinkle them. wearing black and looking depressed and self-concerned.

[14:02]

And then they come up to you and don't even look at you. Because of current hindrance, it's hard to see the love. It's not like a presentation of love that we would necessarily understand. And so it looks ridiculous because, you know, it wouldn't look ridiculous in a place that wasn't dedicated to realize mutual love and how we're embracing and sustaining each other. But we're not like actually physically hugging each other. Sometimes it's hard to see how we're embracing each other because of common hindrances. So I hear treatments and saying that when you see karmic hindrance, you feel like the situation is ridiculous.

[15:08]

And sometimes the karmic hindrance clears for a little while, and you get a glimpse of reality. And you feel like this. It's life. Even now, there are more convicts in that town. And more homeless people. I want to thank these people here. I'm not loving each other fully. But I think the blessing is for the welfare of all of us. So I thank you. Because other people also sometimes can't sue. So they appreciate you expressing this. Yeah, remembering that I'm not a model in all this.

[16:16]

Sometimes it's actually like, big separation, and I'm over there seeing everything as ridiculous, and everybody else is feeling the love and enjoying it. Yeah, some of them are having, like, grooving in it. Some of them are really feeling the love and really, you know, they're actually in the self-fulfilling samadhi, and they look like they're depressed to a certain age. because they're not smiling, perhaps. But some of them, I've heard from them, also think this is ridiculous and that they don't see this love between us. So you're not the only one. And all of us sometimes, I think, find somebody that we and find somebody who we really feel some limit, some reservation in our devotion to them.

[17:28]

And that's current achievements. So all of us sometimes feel this way until our eyes are completely cleared and our heart is completely cleared. And we can see perfectly. And then we never slip out of that. That takes many years of looking at the obstruction, of looking at the obstruction and confessing it like you're doing before the Buddhists, as you're doing right now. Melts away the wound. of transgressing from this, which you sometimes are in, and then you transgress because of karmic hindrance. And when you admit the karmic hindrance, that starts not to use, slipping off from your surveillance.

[18:34]

This is the pure and simple color of true practice. So, you know, I actually don't doubt the teaching because when I don't see the love, I just see that the teachings don't see the love. I don't doubt that teaching. And I don't doubt that there's love. I just see, I can't see right now. I'm blind. I can't see if this person is devoted to me and I'm devoted to them. But that's not I believe it's because of my vision, not because of my relationship. But still, it hurts to not be able to see. It's scary to be blind. Because when we're blind, we can, you know, get injured or injure others.

[19:49]

With very strong people, you could fall over on someone who could hurt them. Yes, it is painful. Thank you. Did you change? I think it's changed. I had so many confessions that I have been taken, what was not given. I talked to Rhett about it, but I feel I have to talk to all of them.

[20:59]

And at the time, it didn't feel wrong, but recently I felt that I cannot wait if it's true, that I'd be doing that. And so I, forgiveness is, um do you want to come specifically yeah they're probably wondering yes i haven't i haven't um taken things out of the safe but little things like um food, like cookies after back lunch or food that was not really out for me. And I was on ash from the Cheaton area. And sometimes I think, oh, I'm just going to keep it for a while and then give it back.

[22:13]

And then it feels, oh, actually nobody needs it so why don't I just keep it? happy intention not to keep doing that. I have a confession to make. When I left here to go to Spirit Rock for the Day of Diversity retreat, my intention was to go and to return.

[23:28]

And while I was out, my intention changed. And I decided to take a detour on the way back here to see my parents and my family and to give them a hug. And I did that. And I feel like in doing so, I did something that I didn't have permission to do. And that I took advantage of something that not everybody here has the opportunity to do. And I feel as a result that I've created some separation between myself and this community. And I'm sorry for doing that. And yet I felt like I wanted to give my family a hug. And hearing that you didn't know that you were going to see your family when you were out, hearing that you also saw your family kind of lightened it up for me around this.

[24:41]

And I see that it's not a bad thing to give my family a hug, but I didn't want to do something that I didn't intend to do. And so I confess it here. Could you hear him? I think... The crucial thing is to ask. We could have called up maybe and said, could I stop and visit my family in the world? Or before you left, you could have even asked. That would be a few things. You want to ask, and you cheat, and you ask for it, right? So you could put out your question. Did you remember to tell the people in Santa Barbara that the people in Tassajara appreciate them?

[26:32]

I did. I told them. And then at the end, I told the people of Tassajara that they appreciate you people here sitting in the mountains. And they didn't think it was ridiculous. And I really appreciate you practicing it. None of you said that. And what was it like for you to be the between the two places? I feel honored to be the messenger of appreciation. Thanks. I don't think what we're doing is ridiculous, although it does cross my mind.

[28:52]

You don't think what we're doing is ridiculous because it does cross your mind? Just like, what is it, ridiculous? I'm like a fly. And in fact, it's closest to everything I want ever. And what's been in my mind is that, great, this is everything. This is exactly how I want to live. When I first decided to enter city center and I read the guidelines in the brochure, the students was the same feeling of rest. This is how I want to live. And when I started living there, it somehow wasn't like that.

[30:02]

Somehow we did, we went to Zazen and we did the bells. And then after, so deep, we just... forgot about that we're practicing. Life, everything in our life is in the context of practice. And that really pains me. And... It pains you when people forget to practice? Yes. And I really love Siddhi Center. It's where my practice began, where I first came in contact, where I met my teacher and made very good friends there. I'm well out of my growth habit. I just wonder, my question, there is kind of a question that

[31:14]

What am I not seeing? What do you think you're not seeing? That people are also practicing. Often I've seen that, how I thought, I think, The person is not practicing, but they are coming to the edge. It's very far from what I thought was the edge of practice. And that's where things become very slippery. I think I see it in Siddhisthana a lot, and I also heard peers and teachers say... What do you mean by the edge? This is where my habit bumps against that inner voice, like, this is not right. Or my habit has gotten me along to here, and that's my delusion.

[32:19]

And over here is what keeps me sitting zazen, and this is where I'm going to do the different thing. I'm going to say the thing that is actually asked of me to say, or The being that I said to you is not even the action, just a different being takes place. So you see a certain pattern, which doesn't seem to harmonize with your deep vow. Yeah. Do you see that in your mind? And you seem to see it in other people's behaviors sometimes? Yeah. That they don't see the shape of everything. Lined up with what you think their valves are? Yeah. Yeah, so you see this. And observing this, these two things together, being aware of these two things together, purifies the action.

[33:19]

Gradually you see, by studying these kinds of situations, that neither, we'll see two things. One thing we'll see is that there's a way to see they're not separate. And there's a way to perhaps look for a way that what we're doing could be the expression of a vow. And sometimes you see, I can't see a way that doing this would be the expression of a vow. But looking at how what you're doing, you just can't see how it could express the vow. Looking at that, more and more what you're doing will start to express the vow. But there has to be, for almost everyone, a period where it's like, this way of doing something, I just don't see that it expresses the vow. I just don't see it. I just don't see it. This other way of doing it would.

[34:23]

And then I think I would like to do it this other way. But I have to look maybe at many, many, many, many cases of where this kind of intention doesn't seem to accord with the vow. And even some intentions which are not against the vow, like having lunch, isn't really opposed to the vow to help people. But it seems different. It's not against it. It seems like, well, lunch isn't the same as living for the welfare of all beings. But actually, we want to see a way to have lunch for the welfare of all beings. So we do the chant before meals that we're eating for the welfare of all beings. But still, in your mind, you may feel like, I just want to have lunch. The more you see, I want to have lunch separate from

[35:25]

I want to benefit all beings and why they become integrated. Actually, that's not a problem for me. That's why it is like that for me. It's like this is just all of these practices of truly minding it is just to be alive is benefiting to be awake and be alive is benefiting. I think just now it became clear that I question how much... How much they song with it. That's my question. You question that? Yes. Yeah. Because yesterday I was trying to talk about there is the crowd in the community. There's the crowd in the community? Mm-hmm. And... That's where my doubt comes.

[36:29]

Are we just trying to... Even in the place where I lived, where I thought we were pretty close, and a lot of those people are here, I still have that question of... Are we really together in this? Are you really on for it with a really big game that we're doing? that we're vowing every day for. And it bothers me. Yeah. It's a difficult thing to look at. But, you know, even to look at it in myself and to see, am I really in accord with these vows? And if there's some duality there, it hurts. But the more I look within and see that situation, the more the instruction is seeing that actually everyone is actually working together in perfect harmony.

[37:35]

Everyone who's working together in perfect harmony sees that. Buddha is a practice of Buddha, and the practice of Buddha is the practice of all sentient beings. is to practice the way everybody's practicing. That's the way Buddha's practicing right now, is practicing the way everybody's practicing right now, including that some people are not paying attention to what they're doing. That's the way they're practicing. And those people are... And if Buddha looks at those people, Buddha feels pain, but their pain of not appreciating that they're practicing, that their practice is totally inseparable from Buddha's practice. I don't understand about if they're not… That's also mean, not paying attention to something, that that's practicing.

[38:47]

Pardon? Not paying attention? Not paying attention is the way they're practicing. The way they're practicing is they're not appreciating the practice. So... The practice is the way they're actually working together with everyone that they can't see because they're not looking. The practice is the way they are practicing together with the buddhas that they can't see because they're not looking. And also the practice is that they suffer. It depends on what they're doing. That's the way the practice works, is that when you do it, you're happy, and when you don't, you're miserable. Or when you're aware of it, you're happy. When you see it, you're happy. When you don't see it, you're relatively unhappy, and you think the situation is worse. And so when we can't see how everybody's working together, including that the people of children who are not aware of what they're doing, are very unconscious and selfish, they are still working together with us, and we are supporting them.

[40:01]

That helps me. Yes. That I can see. Yeah. They're beautifully supporting you, you're supporting them, they do not yet know how to look, they haven't been taught how to see within what they're up to. They just can't do it yet. They do it, and we sometimes do, and when we do, we are actually doing the practice in a way that we enjoy. and that melts away the roots of karmic obstruction. But when we're not looking, we're still part of the practice. It's just that we can't see it because we're not looking within and paying attention to our activity. But we're still in the practice. The practice is not what you do. The practice is how you're actually working together with everyone. And the practice also can include that the way you're working together with everyone is that you're aware of how you're working together with everyone.

[41:11]

Even if you're not aware, you still are working together with everyone. And everyone's working together with you, whether you're aware of it or not. And if you are aware of it, of course, you're very happy. Even though you see some other people are not aware of it, and you feel pain for them because you see they're suffering because they're ignoring what they're up to. Just like with the children. They sometimes don't know what they're up to. They're frightened children. But they're also working together with you in such a beautiful way. I actually see my problem now. You do? Yes. I am very scared that I'm alone. You're scared that you're alone? There is one here that believes that alone, nobody sees and nobody's going to take care of.

[42:13]

And everything is going to go to hell. Yeah. Good. And she didn't live that. You know, that's true. And that's how life is, but the bigger picture is very different, and there is one here who really loved it. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you, Gina. Getting into your starting thoughts. Can you hear all this pretty well? I can't hear you. You can hear me. So when Lisa was up here, I was listening to her talk, and I had this really great idea that as she walked back...

[43:20]

I was going to stand up and I was going to give her a really big hug. It's not too late. Well, it is because it was... Oh, okay. Well, it was going to be like that movie, The Karate Kid, when Ralph Macchio wins the big match and then Lena DeShue is over and she comes running over and they break up. So, what happened was I said, okay, I mean, I'm not really big on hugs, you know, so it's like... I know. If she walks this way down the meal board, then I'll do it. But if I have to, like, go over and make an effort to... It's not going to work that way, you know? But then I was sitting there and it's like, you know, I totally chickened out. She walked past and I didn't do it. It's like when I leave Dokusan and, you know, you would ask me something and I'd said something really stupid and then I get back into Zendo and I'm like, oh, Jesus, that's what I should have said. So I thought that I would come up and... Thank you.

[44:39]

Thank you.

[44:39]

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