I have vowed to taste the truth of God's words. We're very glad to have Norman Fisher with us today. Norman is a priest at Green Gulch and he's lived at Casa Han from the age of 82. He began at Berkeley in a quite way. I hope he'll tell us when. And also last year, he and his family were in Riverdale, New York at the same center there. Just a minute ago in the ceremony

[01:49]

I saw something that I've never seen before. I've seen a lot of incense smoke, and usually within a certain... there are variations, but it's pretty similar. I saw one, just in that ceremony, there was one little bit of smoke that was flipping around in this funny way, and it wasn't going up, it was over to the left of the white bowl, flipping around in this very strange way. I almost wasn't there. And then it was gone. And like I say, I've been watching incense for many years and I've never seen that before. It was really, really remarkable. It was twisting like a kind of tornado or something, but not violently, very, very gently. And I'm pretty sure it was there. It was almost so vague that it was possibly wasn't even there.

[02:56]

But it was pretty remarkable. Anyway, on the altar there's two names. two good friends of mine died lately, so maybe I'll tell you a little story about dying. This story takes place in Miami, Florida, or anyway, south of the city of Miami. I don't know Many of you have been there lately, but it's a pretty spectacular situation there. There's a tremendous amount of money there, and only lately has it been developed.

[04:04]

So everything is brand new. And as soon as they finish building one shopping center, they build another one. And each one is more elaborate than the last. Some of them have themes. Some of them, like one I think of is called The Falls. And they constructed a tremendous stream with waterfalls and shimmering floodlights on the water. Quite amazing. And then next to the shopping centers they make, they don't, well they have condominiums. which are little villages of buildings maybe five stories high, 20, 30 buildings like that, maybe 5,000 people could live in a condominium or 10,000 in some of the larger ones. There are even some that have 50,000 people living in them. They have their own... Within a couple of years they build a small city with uniform buildings.

[05:05]

And the latest developments in architectural thinking quite remarkable. All kinds of stores that you never heard of or would imagine that anybody would even be interested in, including these shopping centers. And then if you want a house, they built housing developments. This was all farmland, so there's a lot of land there. And I guess it's farming. I'm a farmer, so I sympathize that farming is very hard work and prices are low, so it's attractive to sell the land, so I think that's what the farmers are doing. Anyway, this story takes place there in one of the new hospitals built in Greco-Spanish style. And

[06:11]

So my mother was dying in this hospital and I went there lately, last month, to stay with her. And it was... she had cancer. She had had it for a while and we were waiting for her to get quite sick and die. But she didn't... her personality was such that she was not realism or acceptance of things as they are was not her style. So she, you know, denial was one of the, that's the word they use to describe someone who has a serious illness and doesn't want to admit it. But it can be, denial can function quite well. If that's the way a person's personality works, that's the way to cope. So that's what she did. So she kept going to work. And she was working and pretty soon her cancer would be in her lungs and she could hardly breathe.

[07:19]

So then she could stay home for a couple of days and go to the hospital and then have radiation or something and reduce the tumor in her lungs, then she'd go back to work the next day. Then next thing, she would have cancer in her brain and she would be dizzy, couldn't walk straight. she would go to the hospital and get radiation and reduce the tumor in her brain and she could walk better and she'd continue to go to work and then she would have bone cancer so she couldn't her bones were all brittle and she could hardly walk so she would go to work using a walker then after that it got worse and she couldn't walk at all she fell down and broke something and then she went to work in a wheelchair and she said I'm going to keep working no matter what and so finally it was everything was really all her body wasn't working right at all and so clearly she couldn't work anymore that was on Thursday and then she went to the hospital on Friday and I came a few days later and she was I was pretty shocking when I went there because because she has had so much radiation she looked funny

[08:34]

She had, there's a word for it, I can't remember, maybe someone knows, but your body swells all out of shape after a certain amount of radiation. So she kind of looked like Charles Lawton in The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Ever see that movie where he's all kind of puffy face and kind of hoarse, croaky voice? She had that too because she, some of her throat was affected, so her voice was really croaking and harsh. Didn't sound like her voice at all. And like I say, her face was all puffed out. She had massive shoulders, like a great huge football player or something. Big, her arms were about that big. So, and she was also, she always had been a restless, kind of impatient person. She was more so this time because she was sort of in a lot of pain and semi-drugged.

[09:38]

So you could see in her eyes that her eyes were kind of... She wasn't there completely. It was almost like her eyes had an animal kind of look to them because she didn't have her full consciousness. It was somewhat dull, maybe 30% or 50% of her consciousness. The edge was taken off with the medicines. So there was a kind of animal-like look in her eye. And she was tremendously restless and uncomfortable and very irritable. So she has two sisters who are taking care of her and my father was there. And she was driving them crazy because she would say, I have to pee, take me to the bathroom. And they would say, well, you're hooked up to this catheter so you don't have to go. She said, no, I have to pee. Take me to the bathroom. What's the matter with you? I have to go now. I'm going to pee in the bed. What's the matter with you? I'd say, oh, well, but you... They would try to explain, but she couldn't understand. And then she would say, get me the bedpan. And so finally they would get her the bedpan and put it under her.

[10:41]

And it was a tremendous effort, you know, to pick her up, because she could hardly move, to put the bedpan under. And of course, she didn't need it. And it was like that, one thing after another, until she finally would sort of semi pass out. Then she'd wake up again all night long like that. My one aunt, who was in her late 60s, stayed with her before I got there all night for several nights. So it was kind of grim, actually. And I was thinking, and then everybody was sort of crowding in, and nobody was being quiet and gentle with her. Everybody was adding fuel to the fire of nervousness and restlessness and irritation. And I had just gotten off the plane, and I was kind of jet-lagged and everything, and I said, boy, we've got to... this can't... we can't go on this way, this is terrible. So I told them all, I said, well, we're going to have to have a meeting and figure this out, because this will never do, so... But before we could have a meeting and try to figure out a way of managing, our doctor came and said, you know, this is...

[11:53]

really the end, maybe 24 hours maybe, she can last. And we're going to give her increased dosages of all this stuff because I think the pain is getting worse. So then there was no point at that time in having, figuring any way out to handle it, we just were on a vigil. And the sicker she got and the more... She had so much chemotherapy that you couldn't get into her veins anymore with needles. So, about two years before, she had had what they call a Hickman catheter installed. And that's basically what it is, is a pipeline to the heart. They actually put a hole in you and they put a tube

[12:55]

So it comes out right here and you can directly inject into the tube without having to go through the veins. So she had one of those and they would put the stuff in through the vein and they had it hooked up to a computerized pump that would somehow pump material into this catheter. And they came and did that periodically and when they pumped her with this stuff, she would kind of go out, but even when she was unconscious, and she had tremendous difficulty breathing, too, the radiation had constricted her windpipe, so it was like... and there was a lot of fluid in there so there was a lot of gurgling with each breath too.

[13:58]

Anyway, so she was coming in and out of various stages of consciousness and she would see visions because her strong impulse, a tendency to deny realities would give her visions of the things in life that she wanted to admit for her that she was still connected. So she would say, my shoes, give me my shoes, my dress, my dress, we're going to go home now. And she would see her dress, her shoes. And I would say, well, your shoes are resting now. You don't have to worry. Your dress is resting. You don't have to worry about your dress now.

[15:05]

So tear up those invoices and hand me the envelopes right now. Give me the envelopes, but don't mail them. And my relatives thought, oh boy, she's losing her mind. This is really bad. But I thought, I told her, well, the envelopes are resting. They're taken care of now. And I told her, your life is really simple now. You don't have to worry about these things. You just have to breathe. And so I would hold her hand and breathe with her. And we would breathe, you know, I'd take deep breaths and she'd take a deep breath. Just breathing. And you know, it was as though her... It was true.

[16:12]

She was really, her life was really simple. And it wasn't any different than it ever had been. She didn't change at all. She just sort of simplified and honed down her personality at that moment, at that time. And her restlessness and her denial and all that was still there, but it was very pure. It didn't have any extra stuff to it. It was just pure essence of denial or pure essence of restlessness. And it became an extremely beautiful thing. And you know, we had never, she and I had never had a very good time together because she didn't like the way I wear clothes and so on. This way. And she thought that because her tendency was denial and fear and

[17:19]

Restlessness. The most important thing to her was to have enough money so that you could take care of all the possible problems that would come up. Have lots of insurance and so on. And if you broke one, you had to get another one, things like that. So, since I chose a way of life in which the monetary gains are minimal, She never liked it. And she probably thought, well, you know, maybe if I had a lot of money, I could help her if she got sick, too. And that was so, and I couldn't. I didn't have any money, so. We never got along so well. I tried, you know, and I thought, oh, now that she's sick, won't we have deep conversations and won't we forgive each other? But no, I didn't. That would be a nice story, but actually, in this case, Things didn't happen that way.

[18:27]

But then, you know, when we were breathing together in this very simple lifestyle that we were living, it felt pretty good that we understood each other fairly well, anyway, then. And when she, without talking about her shoes or her dress or her envelopes I could see her face with her forehead would crinkle up because she became confused in her delirium and I would put my hand on her forehead and it would relax and we would just breathe together and oddly enough this process that we were doing made everyone uncomfortable. And my father said, don't do that. It really creeps me, he said.

[19:30]

It makes me really feel creepy. So I did it for a while anyway. I did it when I would be alone. People were in and out, and sometimes I wouldn't. Anyway, finally, her breathing became quite still and little by little it stopped. And you know, it was very, all my mother's sisters and my father and my brother and I were all with her at that time it was very clear that there was something really holy or deep or at any rate there was a lot of integrity to this process that she had gone through and really I felt, boy this is so tremendous such a

[20:52]

marvelous human moment. And you could feel it, you know, in the room. There was an aura around her and tremendous power. Really, just like you would imagine if you saw Buddha. If you could see, if you were, came and heard a talk by Buddha, the power of Buddha's presence, where monks would get enlightened just by something Buddha would say to them at that moment. They would suddenly understand. That's the quality of presence that I felt at that time. And I felt very lucky, very honored to participate, to be there. And so I said, well, I want to stay here with her.

[22:01]

And everyone left. So I said, well, I should stay here. You know, it's important that I stay here until whatever the next thing is that they do with her body. So I stayed there for a long time. And first, as soon as everyone left, I said, I held her hand and I told her, don't be confused. Don't be confused. And that seemed like the right thing to say. And then, you know, something really wonderful. I chanted... You know, I was reading the Tibetan Book of the Dead and things like that, but... So you could have... One could have read from there, but I thought, you know, I don't want to get... You know, she doesn't know from that stuff. probably make her confused and upset and think that I was a lunatic or something.

[23:05]

So I didn't bother with that. But I did think to chant the Heart Sutra. And I've chanted the Heart Sutra, you know, many, many times. And I've studied it and thought that I knew something about what it meant and so on. But it never meant more to me then. All dharmas are marked with emptiness. Boy! Gone, gone. Completely gone. Avalokiteshvara in practicing Prajnaparamita perceived that all dharmas are empty and was saved from suffering and distress.

[24:23]

Shariputra form doesn't differ from emptiness. Emptiness doesn't differ from form. Everything that's form is emptiness. Everything that's emptiness is form. The same is true of feelings, perceptions, impulses, consciousness. O Shariputra, all dharmas are marked with emptiness. They are not born. They don't die. They don't increase, they don't decrease. Therefore, in emptiness, there is no form, no feelings, no perceptions, no sirens.

[25:25]

No consciousness. No eyes. No ears. No nose. No tongue. No body. No mind. No color. No sound. shape, touch, object of mind. And the great, bright mantra of great wisdom. God, God, completely gone without ever having left.

[26:39]

Awake! Svaha. Wonderful statement on sutra. Anyway So we're practicing this path, and what does it come down to? We're sitting, doing zazen, and so on. What are we doing it for? Or even our practice may be something like We're walking, we're eating, we're going to work. What are we doing that practice for? What is the point of it? I think the point of it is to enjoy life.

[27:51]

It's pretty fragile and really terrific. Even the things that ordinarily seem unpleasant, if you get into them, offer a lot. And if we could just untie our knots just enough to relax and enjoy this bright planet. I think that's Samyak Sambodhi, I think. Master Mumon has a comment somewhere and says, appreciate or understand the real, you will see that we are like, that we, you'll see that we move from husk to husk like a traveler stopping for a night's lodging.

[29:16]

You know, each moment comes up and goes by really fast. We're not even sure, actually, that it happened. And over and over again, like, we're travelers, you know, and we're staying in that particular Holiday Inn for that particular moment, and then we go to the next one. And, you know, when you're traveling, there's no problems, you know, you just sort of, you know, big stack of money that you prepared before you left, Just pay the hotel bill and get in the car or the plane. I know, I travel that way. I have a great time. Going back and forth. All your routines, you know, really don't matter. All the work and jobs. You're just traveling. You're just enjoying yourself. And then he goes on and says, but if you don't understand the real, if you don't practice the way,

[30:25]

Then, when the four elements dissociate from each other, meaning the body goes back to its place and the consciousness goes back to its place and leaves the body, when that happens, you'll be like a crab thrown into boiling water, six or eight arms and legs squirming around in all directions. And that's how my mama died. But he didn't say, you know, Master Mumen forgot to say that anyway, even if you do that, you'll still be Buddha. He didn't say that. He was trying to trick everybody, I guess, into thinking that somehow it was necessary to do all this. If you asked him, he probably would have admitted it, but... So, uh... I stayed there, anyway, in the hospital room for... I don't know, like, two, three, four hours, something.

[31:44]

Everybody was going away. And, uh... She had died about six o'clock in the morning or so, and by the time I thought to look out the window, it was already full daylight. Nine, ten, eleven o'clock. Really bright, sunny day. And maybe a nurse came in or something and opened it. Maybe that's what happened. Somebody came in and messed around and opened up the curtain. It had been closed. And then I saw We were on about the fourth floor, and you could see the grounds of the hospital. And I guess we were facing east because the sun was, looked like about 10, 30 a.m. high, and you could see the sun. And the grass in Florida is very green.

[32:46]

It was really beautiful. And that's when I started to cry. Before that, I never cried. But when I saw the world again, you know, then I started to cry because I thought, here's this poor world, the grass has to grow, and there was a guy out there trying to get the lawnmower started, you know. He couldn't get it started, and he was kicking it, and he was the only one there. It was this guy trying to get the lawnmower started. He didn't look very happy about it and finally he got started and it was pretty big and he had to push it around. There was a lot of effort there, you know, and I thought, look at that, the grass is still growing. This poor guy still has to cut the grass endlessly because it's going to keep growing. The world is still going on with all its problems, you know. Anyway, even though, you know, we're bathed in Buddha nature, People are still kicking lawnmowers and things.

[33:50]

And I thought, and they had to do all this without my mama. And I got real sad. In my world, you know, she had always participated in all this stuff before. And now they all had to do it without her. So that was sad. But it was beautiful. See, that was, I think the beauty of it was really part of the sadness. It was so beautiful and so sad. Anyway, Master Muma has a poem that goes, Clouds above the moon are always the same. Buddha nature.

[34:54]

Emptiness. Always the same. Mountains and valleys are distinguished from each other. You and me. This building, another building. Each different. Each fighting, you know, for a place. And then he says, everything is blessed. Everything is blessed. And that's how I felt. That was my feeling when I got the window. If you don't mind, I've been practicing something lately, a kind of meditation that I'd like to share with you.

[36:05]

And if you don't like this meditation, just ignore it and just do what you were doing before. But if you don't mind, maybe you could practice it with me. I'll go through it now. It's a compassion meditation. If you sit, and usually when we do zazen, breath is down here, attention is down here, but try to maybe close your eyes, actually, and feel your breath more where your heart is. Just breathe in and out until you feel breath in your heart. And if you're still, you can actually hear your heart beating. Now, think of yourself

[37:22]

May I be happy. May I be content with myself. May my heart be open. Now, think of your mother. an image or a picture or an incident or just the feeling of her presence. May she be happy. May she be content with herself. May her heart be open.

[38:36]

Think of your father. Image or picture, some incident or just a feeling of his presence. May he be happy. May he be content with himself. May his heart be open. Now, think of someone that you don't like. or someone that you've had a fight with sometimes. May they be happy.

[39:44]

May they be content with themselves. May their heart be open. Mika, this room of Bodhisattva practicers, all of us together sitting, sharing airspace, may we all be happy. May we be content with ourselves. May our hearts be open. And the wider Sangha of the Zen Center, now at Tassajara, all the students there, all the students who aren't in Zen right now,

[41:03]

May they be happy. May they be content with themselves. May their hearts be open. Now, everyone in the Bay Area, all living beings, Big ones and small ones. Trees, rocks, cars. May they be happy. May they be content with themselves. May their hearts be open. our country, coast to coast, up in the mountains, the lakes, big cities, villages, crooks, bankers, insects, all those beings

[42:44]

be happy. May they be content with themselves. May their hearts be open. And our small planet turning around space, all the people involved in wars, people without food, sick people, trees, clouds, insects, Stones, pebbles, grasses.

[43:54]

May all beings be happy. May they be content with themselves. May their hearts be open. Is the lecture over?

[45:08]

I don't know if there's time for any comments or discussion, but I'll leave that to you. Okay, anyway, please bring up anything. It doesn't have to be things that I presented. Thank you for the talk. Several of us, I know, are wishing the best for their mother and father. It really strikes a deep note. I'm sorry for all of you and that's pretty hard. But you know, like you say, there's always something very sweet and beautiful Maybe just because of this practice, we feel that.

[46:15]

Maybe at the very least we just learn to take a moment and be there, have a moment. I was in Florida recently with my parents. My husband died. But it was very difficult. The struggle, watching their struggle. The way they approached life. It was so, um... It was so different than the struggle. I mean, they all struggled. I mean, they didn't seem to get much out of it. That piece, and I think that when we're talking about death, there's something about births I've been through, and the intensity of that moment, and the integrity of that moment. And how we just forget in between, somehow, birth and death, that this thing is really precious, and very fragile.

[47:25]

And I'm sure if my parents first realized that, Yeah. Yeah, I mean, just like I was saying about my mother hoping that sometime we could talk together or make some connection like that. It doesn't always happen. But I think that if you really know how precious this life is and what it is, and just act out of that, just being around your parents or anyone has an effect. And I think it's our desire, our preconception to think that it should be a certain way or that we'd like to see that happiness should look this way or that way that makes us feel dissatisfied with the results of our Buddha works.

[48:42]

But I have a lot of confidence that there is an effect, you know, to just being there without trying to do too much. I'm sure that's all. There's something interesting that happened in one of the meditations. I've been doing a similar one, but your words are a little different. When it got to people we were having trouble with, There was no way I wanted them to be content. It was really very interesting because I wasn't content with how they were. Some people I met were very angry. There was no way I wanted them to be content.

[49:44]

It was just kind of interesting. Yeah, that is interesting. Well, you know, then they won't be content with you, right? I don't think I want to drink. My mom died recently, and before I was consciously aware that she was going to die, I visited her in the hospital. And because of my interest in Buddhism over the last few years, she had become somewhat curious too. She asked me if Buddha was a god, and I said, well mom, Buddha, everything and everybody and such a look of understanding and joy over her face that I felt I've been practicing up to that moment for that moment and I've been trying to carry that through in my life to feel like I've been practicing up to this moment for this moment and I feel like her death in a way was one of the

[50:56]

was the greatest gift that's ever been given to me. Because though there's an emptiness that she's gone, my level of appreciation for everything that's here Anyway, I'm not a lecturing priest.

[51:59]

And so the only time I ever give lectures is once every two years at Berkeley. How do we get out of this now? Here's the bell.

[52:12]

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