You know it's pretty hard to do zazen 100% to actually sit completely. You need to totally sit when you sit. There's always something, you know, that's left out in some way that we need something out of our practice. It's necessary to think about it and to think about how we can renew our practice time after time, actually moment after moment. This is the new year, the beginning of the new year.

[01:09]

And at the beginning of the New Year, we always make some kind of resolution. And if our resolution, we talked about this last week at Zen Center, about our resolutions, New Year's resolutions. So often, our New Year's resolutions don't come to much by the end of the year. Sometimes they do, you know. But so often we say, you know, what I'm going to do is I'm going to stop this. Because actually it's stopping sometimes. That's unusual. It's not going to stop smoking or stop eating or stop this or that.

[02:14]

Or start running or start exercising, doing something nice. But unless we have firm foundation for what we want to do, it doesn't usually work. So our value, our desires, should be turned more toward basis, our basic activity, renewing our basic activity. If we just decide to do something that we always wanted to do, or that we think we should do, unless our basic activity has a solid foundation, no matter how hard we try to do something, it won't last.

[03:20]

We can't uphold it. So always our practice is turned toward the foundation. And it's why we put so much emphasis on satsang, and on just fundamental practice, fundamental activity. If I want to change myself, it's pretty hard to change, really hard. No matter how hard I try, I can't change myself. And if it's reasonable, how can you change?

[04:25]

How can you? Because What you want to change usually comes from some idea you have about yourself, or some idea we have about ourselves. We have this idea, I don't think I'm so good this way, but I would rather be this way. But that's just some idea we have about ourselves. And if we just work from some idea, Our perception, our idea, can only come from the limitation of our perception. So to actually facilitate a change in our behavior, our activity, means re-evolution. coming around to revolving around to a new starting point.

[05:31]

So that's why we put emphasis on the starting point rather than always being at the starting point rather than trying to fix something or change something. So If we want to make a resolution, we should think about how do we renew our fundamental practice moment after moment. If we renew our fundamental practice moment after moment, time after time, when something is ready to drop away, it will drop away.

[06:39]

Or you can easily do something with it. When you're ready to stop smoking, even though you've been smoking for 30 years, when the time is right, You just break through that barrier, which looks like concrete, but is actually tissue paper. So, how we renew our practice, how we keep our fundamental practice, is what we should be concerned with. For example, Breathing in Zazen, you count from 1 to 10. We count 10 breaths and then we start again counting. The trick, you know, we think the trick is to count from 1 to 10.

[07:42]

but it's very hard to count from one to ten. When we start to do that, we can see how distracted we are, how our mind is always distracted by something, and how rarely we can actually keep track of our breathing. But the point actually isn't to count from 1 to 10. We should count. We should be able to keep track of our breath. But that's not the point. The main point is to actually be involved with each breath. And the reason for counting is so that you can be involved with each breath. And to be involved with each breath is how we renew our practice on each breath, how we actually renew our lives on each breath, to be completely involved with each breath.

[09:02]

with our total body five on each breath is how we become reborn moment after moment, breath after breath. So to count to ten, we say, well, you know, I don't like to be distracted by counting. People say that. But we'd rather actually be distracted by our thoughts. That's more interesting. counting is very dull, you know. But when you are just one with breathing, when your body and mind is one with your breath, then we say our mind is like a blank paper, white sheet of paper with nothing on it. Then counting, you know, is one, two, numbers across the page. But if you think of those numbers as counting, then you're one step removed.

[10:11]

So instead of thinking of the numbers as counting, we should be the number. If you see the number as a number, then you're not one with your breathing yet. So, your breath, I mean, when you exhale, that's a recount. Just on the exhale, take a breath. Just a normal breath. And then, an exhale is always longer. Exhaling is more, involves more compression. When you inhale, your lower abdomen expands. When we breathe from our lower part, which is where our breath should be, it's just where our breath should be taking place. When we inhale, our lower abdomen expands. And when we exhale, it contracts.

[11:14]

And in this contracting, the exhaling of the breath is where we count. One. This one is the breath, and it's saying we should hear the inner sound. It shouldn't be audible, but you should be able to hear the inner sound of the breath. One and two. One. and the breath, and your focus, and your body is all one thing. All one breath. Then inhale again, and naturally, two, just the whole breath. If you think one, two, three, four, five, one, two, three, four, like that, it's just mechanical. Just trying to add up count from 1 to 10 mechanically, is how we live a good part of our life, actually.

[12:22]

So much of our life is lived just mechanically, just trying to count from 1 to 10, without a being 1, or being 2, or being 10. You know, the clock is going, one, two, three, four, five, six, constantly. Constantly ticking away. So, you know, to live our life in time is our life. To be one with time is our life. So what do we do with it? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. But with those seconds as they tick. We say, time has many aspects, but two in particular that we notice.

[13:30]

And one is that time is continuous. It means that there is no 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. There's no 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. It's just a time. It's just one continuous thing. But on the other hand, it's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. It's divided up into little units. And we live by both of those. of those aspects of time. So, if you only see time as ticking away, kind of mechanically, we can never really get into our life completely.

[14:35]

Only when we can get into continuous time, Can we be one with our life? But how we get into continuous time is through discontinuous time. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. So discontinuous time is like what we call absolute time, which penetrates everything. Discontinuous time, continuous discontinuous time is just a moment for us. One, two, three, four, six o'clock, six o' one, six o' two. So, you know, if you look at time just mechanically, just as discontinuous, then it looks mechanical.

[15:59]

Time is just mechanical. It's just something that's going on and we go on mechanically too. So how to live in discontinuous time without living mechanically is what our practice is about. How to live in discontinuous time, continuously. It's called renewing our practice, moment to moment. Sometimes we like to get out of time. We like to feel it. We're not bound by time. And I think when we come to Zen practice and start to sit, we're a little confused because we pay so much attention to time.

[17:06]

It's often periods of 40 minutes beyond time. Always 40 minutes. Not always, but most of the time it's 40 minutes. Be on time. As I was saying, it's at this time. Shit. Be on time. We eat at this time. We work at this time. It's a little bit annoying, actually. It seems a little bit annoying. Why is everything so timed? But what we learn is how to be free of time, within time. Not to escape from time, but how to be free within time. Not to be caught or enslaved by time. And how we become free within time is to pay complete attention to time.

[18:09]

And to become one with time. And to become one with what we are doing within time. What we're doing is called time. Another way of talking about what our activity is, or what we're doing, is to call it time. Dogen, in his fascicle on uji, time, talks about our activity as time. What we do is called time. Existence is called time. You know, if we just, if we get caught by thinking about Zazen, it's just repetitive, just repeating, you know, time after time.

[19:41]

Time after time, we set Zazen the same way, in the same place, the same. The alarm clock goes off, and we wake up, and we wash our face, And it seems like we're repeating the same actions over and over again. It looks like repetition. But it only looks like repetition when we see time as mechanical, or activity as mechanical. There's nothing repeated. It's impossible to repeat something in this universe. Everything is new. If you try to create exaggerated, new things in an exaggerated way, you always have some dissatisfaction, always dissatisfied.

[20:43]

But if your mind is subtle enough to see the distinction between one moment and the next, to see the subtle distinction between your activity yesterday and your activity today, between sitting now and sitting one hour ago, between this breath and the last breath. So to be completely one with this breath means there's no anxiety. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to regret. Just total existence. Just manifesting total existence. But it's very hard to do.

[21:48]

Very hard to manifest total existence on each moment. So, you know, we always look at our practice and feel that it's not really enough. But when we do feel it's not enough, we should know how to renew it. We should know what to do about it. So New Year's, I think New Year's is a good time to Our resolution could be to resolve to be aware of our practice and to try to constantly renew it, constantly renew our life. Yesterday, last night, we had the Bodhisattvas there.

[22:55]

really something to say. Once a month, it has that feeling. We look at our past karma, and we don't say anything specific. We just look at it. We just say, I'm fully about And we renew our intention to go to continue to practice. We renew our intention to live our life completely. And then we connect up with all Buddhas and Patriarchs. In Buddhism, you know, how we We pay a lot of respect to the Buddhas and the Patriarchs.

[24:01]

And we feel an affinity with Buddhas and Patriarchs. Because actually, we ourselves are Buddhas and Patriarchs. That's why we feel such affinity. And it's kind of wonderful to feel that kind of connection. We may feel, oh, Shakyamuni Buddha, seven Buddhas in the past, Maitreya Buddha, Manjushri Bodhisattva, Avalokiteshvara, They're way over there in the distance someplace in the book. But actually, those Buddhas and Patriarchs are our Self. They are the manifestations of our Self.

[25:07]

So we connect with our Self. But they're also the manifestations of each one of us. So we connect with each other, and with all Patriarchs, and with everybody who's ever been born. and with everyone who's going to be born. And we don't feel that we're just isolated in the universe. When you feel this real connection, knowing who you actually are, then you feel pretty good about your practice. Oh, this is the right practice. I understand now. This is really the right practice. Not just somebody's idea. Sometimes it's somebody's idea.

[26:13]

How we understand is by actually practicing. We should all have this experience for ourself. So renewing our practice means renewing our practice of ourself, but renewing our awareness of ourself in the universe. with the whole universe. Not by conceptualizing the universe. You can try to conceptualize the universe, make some idea of what that is. That's just an idea.

[27:20]

So that's not really what we're talking about. You don't have to know anything about Mars or Venus. You don't have to really know anything about anything, but to just be completely concentrated on your activity, in time, moment after moment, to completely live your life. That's enough. So what we're always, you know, you might say it's our enemy, the enemy of practice. Maybe no enemies, but maybe enemy is not such a good word.

[28:27]

But what we should be careful of always is forgetting what we're doing. We should always be careful to remember what we're doing. To remember what our practice is about. Remember why we're doing this that we're doing. And to keep forgetting this. Not to keep from getting distracted because, you know, you can't help being distracted, but to keep bringing ourselves back from distraction. Not to get lost, so we don't get lost. So often we see people who practice and continue to practice, but at some point they get lost and start running after things, start being seduced by material things, being seduced by some emotions or feelings.

[29:45]

It's pretty hard to stay in practice. You may think that if you go to a monastery that your mind will become more clear, and your desires will reduce, and you'll have a more clear mind. a way of practicing. It's not untrue. But in a monastery, you'd be sitting, and you'd still have all kinds of distractions going on in your mind, the same way that you have here. Still have the same problems. Our way of life has something to do with the quality of our practice, or the way we practice. But we shouldn't blame the poor quality of our situation.

[31:01]

We can practice in our situation. with good intention, with good mindfulness. If we just apply ourself, It's really, you know, before you go to a monastery, you already have to be able to apply yourself. You have to be already a pretty good student before you can go to a monastery. And how do you do that? Well, you do it in the situation that you're in. Suzuki Roshi.

[32:11]

You know, people used to ask Suzuki Roshi if they could be priests. And he always said, before you can be a priest, a good priest, you have to be a good layman. So, you know, How we practice is by taking, not by getting out of our situation, but by taking advantage of our situation. Always. This is always the way to practice. We think, well, you know, in six months my situation will be different, and then I'll really be able to get into it next week or sometime. When all these things quiet down, I'll be able to use it. But that's not... That's just what Suzuki Ueshi used to call shifting around our equipment.

[33:14]

Endlessly shifting around our equipment. You know, straightening our desk. I'll put the pen over here. Endlessly. You have to start and continue with all the junk, and practice with all that stuff. And when you really develop a fundamental practice, then all that stuff will gradually They won't go away, but you'll be able to, when you push it off the desk, the wastebasket will stay there. So, anyway, sometimes it's just very hard to see what practice is.

[34:31]

Very hard to see it. Actually, after practicing for some time, And we have some experience. It looks like we can stop." I said, well, is this it? In the last newsletter we printed out, part of a lecture by Suzuki Hoshi, where somebody, some little girl, we used to have Sunday school at Sokochi, and a little girl crossed her legs.

[35:36]

We used to do five minutes of zazen with little kids, and a little girl crossed her legs and said, now what? Now what? We have that feeling. Well, you know, I've done this. Now I'll go do something else. You know, that kind of idea comes from our mechanical understanding of hopping across the surface of our life. Well, we do this and we do that. Well, we've already done that, now we can go on to this. That's the usual way of thinking. But in our Zen practice, we do this, and then we do it again, and we do it again, and we do it again.

[36:38]

But we don't do it again. There's some form that's the same. But each time we do it, it's not the same. It's different. You're a different moment. You're a different activity. And you are a different you. And if you don't understand this, you need to sit more. So anyway, we call it elephant practice rather than rabbit practice. If you're a rabbit, you have a hard time. So the rabbit has to turn into an elephant. That's why the elephant is the symbol of Buddhism. Faking it. So, anyway, I want to encourage everyone to develop a stable practice.

[38:01]

It's really the most important thing in our practice, is that stability. And constant renewal. Rabbits are pretty stable, too. If you compare a rabbit with an elephant, it only holds good for a certain reason. And I want to encourage everyone to do more than that. I really want to encourage you to do more Zazen, and to really find out what Zazen is about, and to clarify it for yourself. I usually don't say so much about that.

[39:20]

I encourage you, but I don't say you should come and sit with us. Actually, I feel that you should. Would you like to ask some questions or discuss something? You were speaking of our karma we know fully about. What are the implications of that word, about? I don't know. I'm thinking about, about. About. About. About. acknowledge to bring ourself up to date with where we are and to see recognize that what where we are is

[40:40]

Not where we are, but where we're at. Where we're at is a result of all the causes and conditions that we ourselves have perpetrated or brought about. So to recognize that my actions in the past have caused this result, along with other causes. Not just these causes, but that I have, and it's not, you know, so much guilt, but just looking at it, looking at it. Because I did this, [...] I am now doing this, this, this, and because of this and this, I did this, this, and this, I'm feeling whatever it is I'm feeling.

[41:49]

I'm experiencing whatever I'm experiencing. And I'm in a certain position because of how I'm dealt with things. So, you know, we always say, you know, talking about fate, But destiny, destiny is a little different than fate, you know. Destiny means because of this condition, these causes and conditions, something is destined to go that way. Not fate, because destiny can always be changed. But fate means something can't be changed. Fate is, something is bound to happen. Destiny is like the way things go. but always conditioned by causes. So destiny may be to go this way, but it can also go that way, if you can change things.

[42:49]

And that's a very important point in Buddhism. You can change. In Buddha's time, fatalism was pretty strong. It was one of the beliefs that was very prevalent at this time. It still is. It's easily confused with destiny. So, And it means that this is the dying, that's the way it's cast, and there's no changing. Sometimes it's true. In Buddhism, there's always possibility of change. And so our life is up to us.

[43:52]

How our life goes is up to us. The circumstance, we may not be able to change circumstances, so easily. But what we can change is our attitude. And when we change our attitude, and work on our attitude, then, you know, even though things happen to us, which might have happened anyway, we know how to deal with it, or how to accept it, and how to modify the effect of something. So, in the end, you know, everyone, the ax falls on everyone, right? You can't change that, but you can deal with it depending on your attitude.

[44:58]

So, some people, some of them will be very calm. Someone else will be frantic. And how do you experience it? How do you experience the world? How do you experience life and death? So ultimately, what our practice is about is how you experience life and death. How you deal with life and death. And how you accept life and death. And how you understand it. And it has to do with how we renew our life moment after moment. And how we become one with our activity. How we become our breath. Inhaling is life.

[46:01]

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