Good morning. I'm going to be quite happy to be seated here, but I ought to tell you why. Actually, I've got a treacherous journey for me, coming in the door, the 15 steps or whatever it is over to the seat. I never know what I'm going to do wrong. So when I actually get in the seat, I'm very happy. And during the week, I had the pleasure of offering incense I always imagine that the Doans are in somewhat terror too, of never knowing what I might do. But as I was doing it, not quite right, I know why you're laughing, you were there. Someone came in, I won't mention her initials, Karen. And she noticed that I wasn't quite doing what I was supposed to do. And she gave a signal to the Doan. but then I realized that the signal was only that he should just forget about his bells until I was done doing what I was going to do and then he could carry on.

[01:14]

So here I am and I guess we're all, a lot of us are doing this practice period together and I've been thinking a lot about what it means to each of us and getting a chance to talk to people and teas and so on about what this practice period means and what really matters. And this practice period is a really wonderful opportunity to get in touch with what matters because we generally have to change our lives somewhat to accommodate a larger stronger commitment to our practice. And so then we have to see, well, what can I let go and what must I do? And that's a really interesting exercise in changing your routine, getting to what's really essential to your life. And like a good self-respecting Zen student, I asked my teacher this question in Shosan on Monday.

[02:24]

And I got a really wonderful answer. And it just met me in that moment, and I felt completely open. And I asked, what matters? And he said, being real. So that felt really good. I don't know about y'all, but I really like to hold on to these gems and maybe recycle them and use them. So I took this gem, which was just perfect in that moment, outside with me and thought about it. Oh, this is what matters, being real. And then I had this experience that sometimes happens to you in algebra. When you solve this really complicated equation and you get down to it, and it's A equals A. So you really didn't find anything out. So I realized that being real and knowing what matters were the same thing.

[03:26]

That being in reality is what matters and what matters is being real. And it really reminded me of an experience that I've had as a child when I was about four and I was in somebody's garage down the street from my house And I found, I don't know, they were cleaning it out, I'm not sure why we were in there, but I found a box of candy. And I have a great love of chocolate, which I'm sure preceded my birth, but by then it was fully active. And there was this full box of chocolates. And they even just smelled wonderful. And I looked at them for a minute, and I realized they were made of rubber. It was such a disconnect because they looked perfect and they smelled good for some reason.

[04:32]

Maybe the box, it had chocolate in it. And I knew that I couldn't eat it, but I put it in my mouth anyway. And I bit it down. Of course, it was the most dissatisfying experience. And I think this happens with some of these things that we hang on to in our lives, you know, oh, this is such a gem, you know, it looks perfect, it smells perfect, you know, it was just right in a certain moment, and then we try to bite down on it at another time. So I think I tried that a few times, and I still remember that disappointment of holding these perfect chocolates and not being able to be nourished by them, not being able to eat them. So in thinking about what matters, I have had abundant opportunity in starting this practice period.

[05:35]

And I think the experience I had in Shosan, where I came out not knowing still what matters, and understanding that's my work, that no one could give that to me, that that's my work, It reminded me of a case that we've been studying. For those of you who haven't been in the class, we've been studying a case in the Book of Serenity, and the teacher sees a student and asks, what are you doing or where are you going? And the student answers, I'm going on pilgrimage, or I'm just going about to find myself, to find what matters. And the teacher says, what are you doing that for? And the student says, I don't know. And the teacher answers, not knowing is nearest, or not knowing is most intimate. And so when I realized the connection for me between the case and the answer that I got in Shosan, I really began to think about how not knowing is really the basis

[06:50]

from which we experience life most fully and without any interference or any block, the way we are in contact with what matters. And there's one line, I believe, that says so much in that case, which is, this not knowing, this non-understanding is entirely transcendent. that you must free yourself, utterly free yourself, of the most minute obstacles before you can reach this not knowing or this not understanding. So, in a sense, our practice is about finding a way to remove the obstacles and enter this realm of not knowing.

[07:54]

And I'm sure we've had from time to time that experience of not knowing, complete not knowing. I must say when I started, the day before this practice period started, I broke my rib and It didn't hurt that much, I was just pushing a wheelbarrow, and it kind of bounced back and hit me. And in that moment when it hit me, there wasn't that much pain, but my body just went into shock. And I sort of shook my head, like, what was this? And the only time I remember recently of getting a shock like that was when I was kicked by a horse. And the horse kicked me, and it happened so fast, and he got me right in the thigh, so it was a great place to catch it. it happened so fast and I was so shocked that I didn't know what had happened. And the only way I realized I'd been kicked in that instant was seeing his leg come back down.

[09:04]

It reminded me of what you see in cowboy movies when guys have been shot, they have this kind of puzzled look on their face. What just happened? So I had this experience of shock and then as the pain began to intensify hours later, I connected, oh, this must be about that, and that must mean that my rib is broken. And then I realized, well, the practice period is starting tomorrow, and I have a lot of Satsang to do, and a fair bit of bowing, and I also have my work, and I've just come back from two and a half weeks of vacation, so it wasn't like I could take time off from work to rest. And everything that I had constructed, all my knowing about how this practice period was going to be, was gone. And maybe the expression, up shit creek without a paddle, you know, is something that rings a bell here.

[10:06]

Because I had no way to know whether I was going to be able to sit or move. And certainly all the things I had stashed for my entertainment during the practice period, were out the window that I was probably just going to barely crawl through. And this was a real strong experience of not knowing and not knowing if there was anything that I could count on or depend on. And the other experience I've had of this, I shared with my oldest son on Mother's Day, which was when he was being born, there's just that moment when the head is crowning and passing under the pubic bone, and it's a very tight space. And you realize, or I realized in that moment, that there wasn't anything I could do about this.

[11:08]

We've gone long past the choice of abortion. That was out. Probably even a caesarean was out at that point because he was partway out. And certainly safe sex was beyond a doubt gone as a possibility. So there was nothing to do about this. And no resources in particular to call on or to count on the things Oh, well, somebody can help me with this. There was no one. And so, in that moment of having nothing to depend on, I remembered just letting go, and it was probably a good thing to do, and just counting on my breath and bearing down.

[12:11]

And so, starting this practice period was a very similar experience for me. I'll just have to take it one breath at a time and see where it takes me. But I don't really recommend these kinds of traumas as a way of getting in touch with not knowing. Certainly I think that this is what our practice is about. that a practice gives us an opportunity to keep working on finding this place of not knowing. And in looking at how to not know, one of the things I've been struck by recently is something that Mel has also been lecturing on, the silent illumination Hanshi. And one of his pieces, which is, I think it's called something like Rome and Play and Samadhi, really for me, gives the best instruction for getting to this not knowing.

[13:29]

And it is empty and desireless, cold and thin, simple and genuine. This is the way to strike down and fold up the remaining habits of many lives. And when the stains from these old habits are exhausted, the original light appears, blazing through your skull, not admitting any other matters, vast and spacious, merging like water and the sky in autumn, having the same color like the moon and snow. This field is beyond direction without boundary, magnificently one scene, magnificently one entity without edge or seam."

[14:34]

So it's a little bit Boy, where's this light? I mean, we might get a flashlight shining from time to time, but this light blazing through your skull is most impressive and certainly tells me there's something tangible and real and that matters and evolves from this not knowing. But the first part, which gives the practice instructions, empty and desireless, cold and thin, simple and genuine, Those are three very simple instructions. Well, maybe I'd want you to use them like that box of candy, but they're good to practice. They're very good to practice. So I thought I would talk about those instructions a little bit as a way of getting to not knowing. And the first one,

[15:38]

empty and desireless, for me, relates to not clinging to self. And the not clinging to self isn't about becoming a zombie, a nothing or a nobody that has no personality, but really about not being limited by the ideas we have about who we are and what we must be, our attitudes, and things that we think we need to have to be ourselves, or ways that we think we need to be. And we all have these ideas. And empty and desireless seems to be exactly the opposite of everything that we're instructed to do and be in our culture.

[16:40]

It's like, how much can we have is the name of the game. So really keeping a focus on the instruction of empty and desireless is very important. And I wanted to share with you something I thought related very much to empty and desireless. And this is a book, Minding Mind, It contains the practice instructions from many masters, including Dogen, but others, just the really simple, like the Fukan Zazengi, just the simple how to do Zazen and how to practice. And the first quote that I'm going to read comes from a Korean Zen master, I think around the year 1100. The subjectivity of the self-image should be changed right away. Even if you can talk about the major and minor teachings, the provisional and the true teachings, the phenomena and principles of the exoteric and esoteric teachings, and the subtle messages of the five houses and seven schools of Zen, as long as you retain your self-image, you wind up in birth and death.

[18:03]

So, no matter how much learning or knowledge or practice that we do, unless we really work on this concept of self, it doesn't matter in a certain sense. Well, this idea that we'll wind up in birth and death doesn't sound that threatening, actually. I mean, we have been born, we are going to die. But I think what the meaning of you will wind up in birth and death is to us, is that you are at the mercy of circumstances. You are the victim of whims, and so you ought to think about finding something, somewhere else to stand and somewhere else to be. So, I think that this empty and desireless for me relates mostly to this way of letting go of all that we've taken in and taken on to defend ourselves and finding a way of being that just meets the moment without the extra baggage.

[19:24]

The next expression, cold and thin, I don't want to emphasize too much the thin part. We already have too much influence causing anorexia in this culture and this focus. But I think, for me, this is about all of those cravings that we feel we must satisfy, that we generate with our body-mind, and that we feel must somehow be taken care of before anybody else. before anything else. And, of course, Tassajara is a great place to work on being cold and thin. For anyone who's been there during the practice periods, you realize that you had better not worry about being warm and fat, because all of the direction is towards being cold and thin.

[20:31]

And as you let go of... I haven't done a practice period at Tassajara, but I was there during the winter for a couple weeks. And as you let go of worrying about being taken care of, something else happens. And I can't say that the light appeared blazing through my skull, but there was a kind of clarity about being there, being in this situation and letting go of satisfying these cravings. But it's so interesting how quickly we attach how sticky the mind is and the body-mind is to finding little places to cling to and as a way of kind of putting some armor around oneself. When I've done sashin with Joko Beck, one of the things she does is really fill up the sashin completely.

[21:42]

Really, you're very crowded and you have very little space. And then there's a time when they ring a bell and you have to change seats. And you realize in the short time that you've been sitting, you've already developed an attachment to that particular spot and that cushion. And it's very striking how quickly you find things that say, well, this is better, or this makes me special, or I don't like that place over there, or this one's just right. And this ringing the bell and having to change seats really brings all of that up, and you get to see a chance to see how active that part of yourself is, even when you're in the process of letting go. And recently, I noticed another wonderful example of this, this week. There's a little space in the community room where the women, it seems like it's just the women, change into their robes.

[22:51]

I'm not sure where the men change into their robes, We have our little space. It's kind of a little intimate space, and there's a little screen we could put up. And for some reason, several of the hangers disappeared. Now, I knew which one was my hanger. My hanger was padded, because, you know, the robes are heavy, and during the winter I have a real heavy robe, and so a regular wire hanger won't do. So I knew which one was my hanger. I don't have any idea how I got the idea that this was my hanger. But I must say I have been using it for a couple years. And I'm not sure that I brought it here. But I noticed as the hangers disappeared, someone else put her robe on my hanger. And I guess there was another plastic hanger there. And the lower hierarchy than that was the wire hanger. So there were three hangers there.

[23:52]

I know who it was. I'm just not saying. It was probably your hanger originally. Anyway, I noticed as I was coming out of Zazen that I had this horror of coming and finding that the only hanger left for me was the wire hanger. I mean, I could tolerate it if it was a plastic hanger. But if it was a wire hanger, it was just you know, I was just having this horrible reaction. How could I have to use this wire hanger? Anyway, I finally became conscious of my clinging to the hanger, and I brought a bunch from home. Which would have been another practice to, just that day when I realized how attached I was becoming to this hanger, I hung my robes on the wire hanger. just to let you know how bold I was being and how I was really practicing this letting go.

[24:57]

And I could only do it for one day, and I'd rather not do it. So, this is a very subtle, and it's going on all the time, this clinging. I don't think I'm alone in this, this clinging to the best hanger, or the best seat, or, you know, the best piece of food, or whatever it is at certain hours that I get to say what's on TV. So this is something that we can really work on in our lives, both on and off the cushion. There's a danger in this kind of letting go and that's being attached to the side of emptiness. So we need to watch for that too. Here's another quote.

[26:01]

This one actually is from Koan Ejo, Doven's disciple. Even if you put aside pen and ink, abstain from social relations, sit alone in an empty valley, live off the fruits of the trees and clothe yourself with grasses and hang your clothes on wire hangers, and sit all the time without lying down, in your mind you are trying to stop movement and return it to stillness. Cut off illusion completely. Dwell only on absolute truth. Reject samsara. and grasp nirvana, despising the one and loving the other. All of this is possessiveness. So it's very important as we focus on this emptiness, this letting go and being cold and thin, that we don't praise ourselves and really celebrate in some way, become possessive and competitive about moving to that side.

[27:06]

We need to find our comfort in knowing that we have these habits and continuing to let go without holding on to the ideal of the other side. So that's a very important balancing point. The last quote, that was empty and desireless, cold and thin, simple and genuine. For me, I apply that most in relationships and really see how it is that I can keep myself simple and not have ulterior motives and not be manipulative and not try for any effect. One of the ways to look at it is described in Buddhist terminology as not being affected by the eight winds.

[28:11]

You probably thought you've heard all the Buddhist lists and here I'm bringing down another eight. Well, I've said this before, I think that Buddhism is so close to the truth, ultimate truth, that it's just a light. And so there isn't really anything to talk about. So when you talk, it's like being a prism to break the light up into these things so we actually have something to talk about together. So here we are with the eight wins. The eight wins are profit and loss, censure and praise, respect and ridicule, and pain and pleasure. And if we can communicate and do what it is we need to do without concern for the gain or the potential loss, it seems to me that this is rather simple and genuine. So, it's one of the things I do with this very

[29:22]

condensed practice instruction list, empty and desireless, cold and thin, simple and genuine. Just kind of take it out at times when I become really uncomfortable or agitated and say, well, was it empty and desireless? Was it cold and thin? Or was it simple and genuine? And kind of see, examine, where did I get caught? And how was I missing the mark of just being present without holding on to some idea. So that's something that I've been using to keep finding not-knowing. So I think I've finished talking about this not-knowing. I really feel that understanding what matters, what's the most important thing in our lives, is quite dependent on this not-knowing.

[30:34]

And I think that our practice is really the way to be in this not-knowing. And I hope now, without being too attached to the outcome, you will have some statements of not-knowing in the form of questions. We'll keep asking. Who is it who doesn't know? It's not me. Is it the no self? It's all of us. Is there a difference between the fool, the person who's ignorant, and the person who doesn't know?

[31:50]

Well, I really wonder. Do you think my not knowing how to get in this seat and the entirely transcendent not knowing are the same thing? There's only one answer. know that you don't know. I think it's not knowing, it's consciousness of not knowing. Yes. Awareness of not knowing. Yes. I think that you can be ignorant without being in not knowing. And that when I don't know what to do, and I sort of let go of worrying about the respect and ridicule aspect of not knowing what to do, then maybe I really don't Well, it's really, not knowing is really tricky because you forget about it very quickly.

[32:53]

And I discovered the night, the other night, Thursday night after the class, I'm usually sort of, something gets going with these I started looking for other cases with Fayan and Di Zhang and it happened. I found this case in the Mumukan and then I was reading the commentary and discovered that there's a kind of a footnote or a companion to that case of not knowing is most intimate. It happens the next day. He was enlightened, right? Yes. Big deal. You know, he didn't know, not knowing the most intimate, he found that out. Yes. Wonderful. So he's leaving. Uh-huh. Because he doesn't know, and it's great. And he's leaving, and D. John said, oh yeah, just a minute. One more thing. Just before you leave, see that big rock over there? Uh, is that a real rock or is it in your mind? And, uh, and Fayan, who doesn't know, says, uh, it's, it's in my mind.

[33:59]

And, uh, Dijon says, well, in your travels, probably you're going to get very tired carrying that big rock around in your mind. Then he changed his mind, he didn't go anyplace, he stayed there for 20 years. That teacher was not quite done with him. But that really kind of, it's so easy to forget it once you think you've got it. Well, that's the point. It's kind of like the candies, you know. You can think you really understand, but you can't stop. Did you really try more than one? Oh, yeah. Well, I was only four. I mean, at this age, I probably would have only tried one. You know, I usually think that one of the things I think I know is that Zazen is the right thing to do most of the time. And so then I get into these situations where Yes.

[35:05]

So what are you confused about though? This sort of clinging to that empty side and shutting down and in some way saying that's better than being here. When we're working in this practice and we say, oh boy, now I know I really need to let go and I need to keep emptying And in one of your quotes, you talked about this side and that side, Samsara and Nirvana. What's your understanding in working on this, the whole question of two sides? Are there two sides? Well, it looks like there are. with which we use words.

[36:09]

But it's kind of circular, isn't it? It's kind of circular, isn't it? If you keep asking difficult questions, then I'll get you later. I have to either re-evaluate this or re-evaluate my son and his 11-year-old, 8-year-old friends, because this sounds very similar to lengthy conversations that they go through that I'm always thinking is nonsensical. And here I sit with a bunch of adults going through the same kind of questions about reality and life and not knowing. Well, what kinds of conversations do they have? You know, very similar. Not just not knowing. Well, how do you know you don't know? And they continue on like this. And I sit there thinking, oh, the little kid's not making any sense.

[37:11]

And now we're sitting here doing it. So I have to think about this. Yeah, they're doing it quite unselfconsciously, really pushing in some boundaries. It's really great, those lessons that we get. My next-door neighbor, as a teenager, was pledging a sorority. And one day, in order to pledge, she took her chair out on her porch, and she had to sit in it all day long, without moving. And her friends would drive by and taunt her. And I thought, boy, is that ever a ridiculous practice? And then I realized I was going to Seochin the next day. It's good to get your lessons where you can. I saw a movie last night, which I thought was a wonderful movie, which some people might have seen, called Priest. And it made me think about not knowing. As you talked this morning, because it's about these two Catholic priests, and the younger one during the course of the movie is really about him, and he starts out thinking he knows what's right and wrong.

[38:24]

And he develops and becomes a compassionate person by the end of the movie, because he realizes that he doesn't know. And all his moral certainty is what's keeping him from being a so-called person. And it makes me think, your talk makes me think also that maybe the things that we feel most certain that we know are really the ones that we need to be ready to let go of. And those are the hardest ones to see, like a fish not seeing the water. Those are the ones we really have to find in ourselves and try to let go of. Yeah, it's really interesting how this practice works, sitting there, just watching the thoughts, not stopping them. You start to tune in, and then you catch. You begin to see the quality of the water that you're swimming in. And as you can let go or recognize those films that are in front of you, then of course your awareness and your concentration can deepen.

[39:29]

And then you can catch more as you keep getting to the core, but it doesn't seem like they're flapping their gums when they say delusions are endless or numberless or whatever it is. There seems to be many more layers. gruesome and horrible stuff that's going on, that type of thing. And being involved in something like this requires a lot of contacting, and a lot of effort, a lot of energy. And to me, that's, in a sense, it's the opposite of Zazen, because you're into this outward thing all the time. It really creates a schizophrenic kind of body.

[40:42]

But at the same time, I can't work it out. Right. It's really important to keep your awareness during it, but to be real and be yourself and do what matters. And so many teachers, actually in the more recent, maybe from 1600 on, talk about this meditation in action. And Hakuin made the statement, you know, meditation in action is a billion times better than meditation in stillness. This is so much harder and requires us to keep turning over, what am I clinging to? Especially when you're involved in something political, there's such a tendency to get caught in, well I'm right and so I have to do this. And how you keep letting go of your attachment to, I'm on the right side They're the bad guys. It's really a wonderful practice. Difficult. Very difficult. Thank you. Good luck.

[41:46]

Oh, wait. Was he saying more to follow a middle way, or was he sort of saying, not this and not that, what do you do? Well, let's go back to it. Because I already don't know what I said. Even if you put aside pen and ink, abstain from social relations, sit alone in an empty valley, live off the fruits of the trees and clothe yourself with grasses, and sit all the time without lying down, in your mind you are trying to stop movement and return it to stillness, cut off illusion completely, dwell only on absolute truth, reject samsara and grasp nirvana. Despising the one and loving the other, all of this is possessiveness." Yeah, I think in the context of this

[43:06]

absorption in the treasury of light and all that he wrote. He talks a lot about students clinging to the instructions and to perfecting, you know, polishing something as if they're going to make it perfect when they're really not letting the light shine on themselves. And they're just involved in the methodology as if the methodology

[43:31]

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