Now that you hold a experience, that holding, by that holding, you come to be possessed, not by the experience, but by the holding of the experience. The experience becomes sort of like an address. You may feel held by the experience immediately after that. holding of experience, we become enslaved by our sense of holding things, enslaved and possessed. On the other hand, letting things out, not in reacting with these things, but letting them out into awareness. Again, people usually think that they can hold this stuff in and control it, but actually that turns out to be controlled by that technique, and vice versa. To let this stuff go, But I don't think you can do that. I'm just talking to you in terms in which you think you can do things.

[01:02]

But I'm going to think that's so. See the other side, which is inseparable from the false side. Like I mentioned this morning, the horse arrives before the donkey leaves. And actually the arrival of the horse is the understanding. The Jagya said, because it knowingly and willingly transgresses. Buddha nature knowingly and willingly transgresses. Before I get into commenting on that poem, which I'm tempted to do now, I'll put that on hold for a little while. get more responses from the wonderful. So what exactly is going on? Are you doing it or are you not doing it?

[02:05]

It seems like. Well, in in in the conventional world of subject and object work, you know, where we're here, you and I mean, we're separate in that world. We think that. So in that world. or you think you can do something, then in that world bring this material out as though you could do that. Rather than keep it back as though you could do that. Okay? Even in the world of karma, if you hold this stuff back, you will be possessed by it. And in the world of karma, if you bring it out, you will be possessed by it. But not only will you be liberated by it, but you'll also be liberated by the idea that you brought it out. In the meantime, before you understand that, then use your karmic abilities your common consciousness use the consciousness which things it didn't look like it did yeah so so uh let's say i go through this process and i see that what i've done isn't really what i'm doing yes and well that so does that mean that when i get to that point i will realize that like i never really had a choice anyway it was just luck of the draw that happened so finally yeah luck of the draw means um

[03:19]

of your evolution, your spiritual evolution. You don't have control of your spiritual evolution, no. You don't have control of it. It's a lower grade of spiritual attainment to want to be in control. of your spiritual evolution. So you're actually evolving higher when you move into a realm where you're not in control. But then how can I be sure it's going to work out for my own welfare? To move into the level where you're not so sure of how it's going to work out for your own welfare, that's a higher state. Because you're already liberated from self-concern. But then people say, yeah, but still, what's going to happen? And guess what?

[04:23]

It's going to work out just fine. The only problem... Oh, you see, the thing is, what you've got working for you, folks, is your enlightened nature, you see. If it weren't for that, you just would be sort of like a... I don't know what you want to call it. You would be just this kind of like thing being bounced around by... But it turns out that what you are is this enlightened being getting tossed about by cause and effect. And all you've got to do is stop trying to control the evolution of your great nature. But since you don't trust your great nature, you want to be in control and make sure it works out all right for you. But that's contradictory to your nature, which is not worried. It just wants to help other people. But not by controlling them, but showing them they also don't have to be in control. Okay? Now are you happy? So what is the motivation for us then down here on the bottom of the totem pole? What's the motivation? What's the motivation? You tell me. What's the motivation? What's motivating you to attain complete, perfect enlightenment?

[05:25]

What is it? Life sucks. You say, sucks or sex? Life sucks. And another thing that motivates you is that You know that suffering is, but the thing that gets you started is compassion. Life sucks because you feel compassion for yourself and others in that pain. So compassion is really the help. Then once you've got that under your belt, then basically step off the top of the 100-foot pole, which means... I didn't say it was easy.

[06:25]

That's why you have to be patient and be enthusiastic and all that other stuff because it's really hard to... Because your nature is you love all beings and you naturally want to do things. But now it comes from the flow and wisdom. So you see what needs to be done and you do it like that. And also the reason why you can see what needs to be done is because everything comes... and informs you of your job. Every moment you're sitting there, you're not sitting there, every moment you get your assignment, the whole function says, okay, now go help that person. Okay, that's enough, thank you. This self-realizing function at your body and mind, so you become extremely active. When you're extremely active and not moving at all, it generates warmth and intelligence and compassion. But it's no longer you doing anything, it's this function coming through you.

[07:30]

You don't have to know things anymore and not know things anymore. But to let go of control is another control trip, isn't it? The way you let go is by watching yourself control until you see the nonsense of it and it naturally drops off. So that's why it's called zazen, it's to drop off body and mind. It means drop off control. People who drop off control are people that have studied the control a long time and seen how it causes... The controlling part is not doing anybody good. You are wonderful, but your controlling thing is extra and antithetical to happiness. But I can say that, and you can't really understand it as fully, but you'll watch this yourself and verify what I'm saying on yourself. So you can believe me enough to check it out. Don't just, because if you just believe me and don't check it out, you won't be able to let it flow through you anyway. If you do check it out, the part that wants you not to be there anymore is the controlling part, right?

[08:38]

I realize when we started talking about this, that when you say we're not in control of our feelings, we're not in control, that I do agree with that immediately as I hear it. But also, each time that I've heard it, that something in me kind of winces. There's a problem. And it seems to me, sitting here, listening to you, that one of my immediate spirits is that I'm not in control that the opposite is true, that I'm being controlled. I am under the control. If that's true, I'm under the control of. And I was thinking that maybe that was just an unfortunate association. It's not a matter of control.

[09:42]

Neither am I in control, nor am I under control. Well, it's actually not an unfortunate association because it actually shows, the way I see it is, that feeling that you're going to be in control, is you become in control when you think you can control. You are controlled by your belief that you can control. That controls you. But if you don't believe that you can be controlled, I mean, if you don't believe that you can control, you can't be controlled. Just like somebody said, if you know you cannot kill anything, that you will never kill anything, you will never be afraid of being killed. But if you think you can kill something, it doesn't mean you won't be killed, necessarily. It just means you won't be afraid if you know you can't. Similarly, if you don't think you can control, you won't be afraid of being controlled, and you will not be controlled.

[10:46]

It's not that we're controlled. It's that we are, what do you call it, gifted. We are gifted with our function, not control. Every moment we're given, we're not controlled into doing it. We're given a function, which you could say then controls us, but it's not that they control us, they give us life. But if you think once you have life that you can control things, then it looks like that stuff is controlling you. But actually, it's to live. If you don't think you can control, or in other words, you've watched how it is that you control and you've seen that you don't control, then you realize you're not controlled, but actually you're just being supported. Okay? So that's not an unfortunate association of the pivot there, you know? You just, you turn, if you're still on the side of thinking about control, you just turn one more and then you feel controlled.

[11:48]

Turn it back. thinking you're in control, giving up control, then you see that you can't be controlled. One way is misery, the other is liberation. But it's the same pivot, you see. Usually that's the way it is. Turn it this way, and it's misery. Turn it that way, and it's liberation. It's the same material. It's not like two different things. They're right there together. They fit together very nicely. So all this material that's coming up, all these thoughts, they're all good in providing Why we willingly and knowingly transgress because we come into a situation of transgression which we can use for liberation. That's why in life the Buddha nature comes into a skin bag through transgression so we can use a skin bag to liberate. Because we need skin bags. The skin bags have faces. People need faces. Buddha needs to come into a face to liberate human beings. So Buddha comes into skin bags and gets the face.

[12:51]

He really makes smiles and blinks and stuff like that. So in the Zen story, the first transmutation is Mahakasyapa held up the flower and Buddha winked at him. That's how he used the little winking technique to wake up transmutation. But Buddha had to come into a skin bag to get eyes and wink. a lot of trouble, but, you know, considering how much love this loser has, he's willing to go through all that, you know, embryonic hassle and delivery, Borset story, right? So, in other words, in order to be born, you have to transgress. And transgression is, you have to kind of like prefer life a little bit to get born. You have a lot of equilibrium and detachment. You can't get born. You have to kind of like temporarily kind of like be biased.

[13:52]

Keep going. You almost got it. You're almost born here. It's kind of transgressive to understanding this. Anyway, you transgressed the realm of equanimity to distribution. So the bodhisattva is present in a state of . The bodhisattva spirit is not incarnated at a particular point. But in order to benefit beings, the bodhisattva, who really has no preference of being or non-being, temporarily climbs towards being and sex and then gets a skin bag. Well, actually, you know, it's just a zygote. It comes in there and goes, to a zygote. But you have to lean towards that in order to make this zygote come alive.

[14:58]

In an egg, in a fertilized egg, and then they get to come out in the world and everything's moving forward in the Buddha. And then after you get a body, then you can go back to doing partial again, if you can remember. And sometimes the lower echelons of bodhisattvas get a little shook up by the embryological phase and birth. all that milk in the face and kindergarten stuff. Then they get to remember their teens, their true spirits. And then they feel like that. My proposal is you always do do whatever you feel like doing and never do anything but. That's not my proposal. Before, though, that's a new proposal that you just drew out of me. Before that, my proposal was we should admit You do whatever you feel like doing.

[16:03]

And by admitting that, you'll bring that out in front of you. You get to see that you're always, you know, doing whatever you... You always make a decision about what you do. You never not don't do what you want to do. It's impossible. But this is a new thing I'm saying, which they didn't point out before, which thank you for bringing that up, is that you always do what you want to do, but most people don't admit it. That's what makes it seem like you're holding stuff back. Like you say, oh, I'm not doing that. And then we even hide what we say we're not doing because we know that that's not going to make sense if you think about it for a little while. If you think about it, you cannot not do this thing called not doing something. That's called doing what you want as not doing something. Like, I do not want to tell you certain things today. Okay? No. Okay.

[17:08]

I do not want to kill you today, so I'm not doing that. That's what I want to do, not kill you. All right? I do harder. Huh? What? Don't you understand what you're doing, what you want to do? That's called bringing it out. It's admitting that you are doing what you want to do. When you don't admit that that's what you want to do, then you think, well, I'm holding back doing what I want to do. But you're deciding to hold back whatever that was. That's your decision. Nobody else is making that decision. So this is to just admit everybody's doing what they want all the time. Yes? You don't like it, but you do want to do it because you're doing it.

[18:10]

In other words, what counts is what you do, not what you say you want to do. I don't like doing this, you know? You're doing it. You do do what you want to do. That's what I'm saying. Why don't you admit it? Rather than do this stuff and say, I didn't really want to do that. That's what I'm saying. Sometimes we do have the subjective experience of feeling obsessed or compelled. Again, feeling out of control is the other thing you can control. That's what I'm saying. When you feel out of control, you're doing it. But you say, but I'm somebody, somebody's controlling me. The reason why you think somebody's controlling you is because you think you can control. Admit that you think you can control. Admit it, if so. Most people do. Then when you admit that, if you admit that you think you can control things, then you also will notice, people don't usually have to admit that they feel controlled, but you feel controlled because you think you can control. They go together.

[19:13]

I can control, I can be controlled. But When you can't control, you cannot be controlled. It's just inconceivable. You just won't be in that world anymore. Then you'll be in the world of where you, although you may not think anymore you can control, you'll be still in the world for a little longer of thinking you can do something on your own. And then you start taking responsibility for what you do. What I'm saying to you is your responsibility is to take responsibility for what you do. That's another way to say what I'm saying. So, I'll just personalize this, because this came up on your call. I think some people are realizing that I don't trust my brilliant nature, and that when I find myself feeling out of control, not that I'm being controlled by someone else, but that there's this dark

[20:15]

side of me that's expressing itself against my will. That, combined with conditioning over the years, et cetera, makes me feel as though that's my true nature and not, in fact, this Buddha nature that you're speaking of. And so I, so it won't come out. So that's what I'm talking about. Experience of... What I'm saying is, even though you think that way, please take responsibility for the way you just told us that you think. You just told us the way you think. You don't know about the Buddha nature, all that stuff, blah, blah, blah. That's the way you think, what you just have told us about. That is something you did. You just did that. What did you just do? You just thought some things and you spoke them.

[21:16]

You told us what you were thinking so I can hear what you're thinking. That's your karma. And you think you could do that on your own. You don't think somebody controlled you into saying what you just said and making those observations, do you? No. Right now you don't. And because you don't think so, you can understand me better when I say take responsibility for what you just did. What you just did is you just thought a certain way. And you think you could do that by yourself. You don't understand that all sentient beings in ten directions help you do that. You don't see it that way. Do you? No. No, you don't. So? No. No, you don't. Okay. So therefore, take responsibility for your thinking that way. That means take responsibility for your karma. All right? That means you take responsibility for your karma. It means you notice the way you think. If you notice the way you think, like you just did, you notice what you just did, that that is what you wanted to do.

[22:23]

You wanted to see it the way you just saw it. Not only did you take responsibility, you realized you wanted to. That was what you decided to do with your life, was to think that way. If you can take responsibility for it in that way, that's what I mean by bringing it out. Bringing it up. She's telling a story, you know, but also she did something in the process of telling that story. You chose that story. That was your business. Okay? That's the way you think. If you admit that, you'd be liberated from that way of thinking. Once you're liberated from that way of thinking, you still think that way. Like this dark nature, blah, blah, blah. Okay? Perfectly good story, but you realize it's just a story called that you thought of. Nothing more and not any less either. When does it go away? And when you see that, your Buddha nature will come forward. I don't know what verb to use, but it's going to come forward and take over everything and express itself completely.

[23:29]

Because the only thing that's stopping it is your irresponsibility for what you think, for your thinking that you can do things by yourself. Your Buddha nature is your nature which is all beings creating this person who can think like that, who can think this wonderful thing of all things creating all of us who think we can do things by ourselves. This is the wonderful thing. If you take responsibility for the miraculous delusion machine, then you'll be liberated from the delusions and your Buddha nature will come forward. That's why you don't have to hold on to these delusions because as soon as you let go of them, they'll still keep coming, flooding in every moment. They'll never stop. That's not the problem. You're not stopping, you're not starting, they're going to keep coming. But to realize that they're just delusions, then your Buddha nature has manifested. And you're free of your own thinking, and therefore you can prove you're free of it by continuing to think that way. And show that you can go right ahead and be an ordinary person, but not be caught by being an ordinary person, because you know you are an ordinary person, and you don't try to evade responsibility for it.

[24:36]

Okay? That's what I'm talking about. to bring this stuff forward. Take responsibility for being a deluded person. And don't try to be any better than that. And don't try to be irresponsible about it. Don't try to blame anybody else for it or get anybody else to take responsibility for it. And also don't take responsibility for other people's delusion either. But encourage them to take responsibility for themselves by you doing that with yourself. Then you'll become free. And then you'll be very active, but your activity will come from the Buddha nature, which is understanding that you're deluded. In this particular case, if we were rocks, we would not be deluded. Then our Buddha nature of rock comes forth from being a rock. Rocks aren't deluded beings. We are. Rocks don't have... What? No. Rocks don't have karmic consciousness.

[25:38]

Rocks don't think... here and look down at Tassajara all by myself. The mountain's not helping me. The rivers aren't helping me. The sky isn't helping me. The Buddhist down there aren't helping me. Rocks don't think like that. We do, though. We think we can sit up in the rock up in the middle and do it all by ourselves and look down at Tassajara and walk up and down. Well, fine. Just be honest. Then you'll be free. Of course, but that's hard to do. very hard, because it's so painful to think that way. Because you start thinking that way, you get into, like, controlling your thoughts, thinking that you didn't mean to do this, feeling controlled. Well, if you can accept responsibility, even though it's difficult, then you can sit there in the middle of that twisting, turning, turbulent, changeable, crunching existence and feel at home and relaxed. you can see it is necessary in human existence in order to wake up that's your job 40 socks okay 30 seconds to go anything else you give an example of taking responsibility for something

[26:59]

Can I give an example of that? Well, for example, somebody else does something bad and you feel responsible for it. Or somebody else does something good and you feel responsible for it. So you feel close to someone. Could you imagine that? Like your children do something bad and you feel like, oh my god, you feel like you should take responsibility for it. This is called co-dependence. The other side is independence. Somebody else does something, you say, I don't have a story for that. That's going too far, too. Just don't mention it. When you see somebody else doing something, you just take responsibility for yourself. You're busy taking responsibility for yourself. You don't have time to say, that's not my problem. So either taking responsibility for it or making some statement of, you know, some waiver against taking responsibility. You're busy taking responsibility for this person and that encourages other people to do the same.

[28:05]

Because there's something really compelling about somebody who's compelled by their own destiny and knows it and admits it. Don't you think so?

[28:19]

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