And I love the signs in the bookstore downstairs, the two of them, you know, the vinyl angel one, I'm still learning. And then the other one down there that says, that's about poetry, that, I forget how it goes. Anybody remember that one on poetry? It's a beautiful little thing, you know. So I thought I would start with a piece of poetry. Because the poets speak to us, I think, in many levels. So I thought I'd introduce some poetry as we go along during the stage now. But this one is called, this is from Hafiz, the 13th century Sufi. And he says, it's called Becoming Human. And so he says this to us. Once a man came to me and spoke for hours about his great vision of God. He asked me for confirmation, saying, are these wondrous dreams true? I replied, how many, and I'm gonna take some liberty, the real poem says goats, but we're gonna change it to sheep. How many sheep do you have?

[01:02]

He looked surprised and said, I'm speaking of sublime visions, and you ask me about sheep? And I spoke to him again, saying, yes, brother, how many do you have? Well, Hafiz, I have 62. And how many wines do you have? And again, he looked surprised and he said, well, four. And how many rose bushes in your garden? How many children? Are your parents still alive? Do you feed the birds in winter? And 12, he answered. Then I said, you asked me if I thought your visions were true. I would say they were if they make you more human, more kind to every creature and plant that you know. a little bit of wisdom from our brother Hafiz from the 13th century. And I just wanted to start with that notion of human again, and then we're going to talk this morning a little bit on celibacy.

[02:10]

Celibacy needs to be more about yes than no, although it has no's in it. And then we're going to talk about sexuality, what does it mean to be sexual and do with them, a few things, and we'll see what kind of questions you have. And if anybody has questions, you can just give them to me and I'll look at them from time to time. When we talk about human, really, a simple way to talk about human is to say it's really about two things. And this is our first vocation, remember, it's really about two things. It's about love and work. Now, that sounds really simple, but I think it really is profoundly true, and I think it is also in the Gospel, what Jesus came to tell us about. It's about love, and it's about loving and being loved. It's a two-way street here. It's not just, we're called to love others, and we don't have to get anything in return. That's not how it goes. The Gospel is about loving and being loved. And then it's about work, and what I like to define work as, giving our gifts in service to others. giving our gifts and service to others. And so I think that really is the gospel message of Jesus for all persons, that we love and be loved, and that we give our gifts and service to others.

[03:17]

And I think that's when people are happiest, when somehow we're in this loving relationship with ourselves, others, and God, and we're giving our gifts and service to others. Now some people are going to get remunerated, get paid for that, and sometimes big money, and that's okay. But it's really a notion of service, I think, that really helps people really be happy and use their gifts in the best way. So I think we're going to say, in this context of loving and being well, then we're going to say, well then, where does that fit for us? What does that call us to? And I think it calls us to be sexual and to be fully human persons. And so that's why we're going to talk about that in a minute. But what I'd like to do is say, in this context of being human, I'd like to talk about celibacy. Because there's a lot of, as you know, there's a lot of controversy, a lot of conversation around celibacy. Let me say one other thing before I do this. These things here, these three articles here, I'm just going to leave here. And there's copies for everyone. If you would like a copy, please take them.

[04:17]

Those are articles that you might want to look at. These are the handouts that we'll use. So if you want to take one of these, I think we have enough for everybody. And then you'll be able to follow along on some of the same conversation. And so we'd like to talk a little bit about celibacy. We need to, I think, reframe that a little. So I'd like to just talk a little bit about celibacy. It may need to be more about yes than no. And I'd like to just talk about our history here for a little bit, about our preparation for celibacy. And it doesn't matter what community you belong to, whether you're monks in this Benedictine tradition or whether you're, you know, in my own community.

[05:18]

When we talk about preparation for celibacy, in the past, it was really seldom the focus of attention. In a lot of ways, you got it with the package. You know, you came, you came to be a monk and it's sort of, well, celibacy comes with the package. We didn't do much about helping people understand that it's a call, it's an invitation, it's a way of living, you know. And it primarily was for women, a matter of modesty, you know, so they talked to us about, if they did talk to us about celibacy, it was about being modest and being careful how you dressed and also, in the old days, it was what they had it on, so you covered everything up, you know, you didn't have to worry too much about modesty then. But, and women are often considered dangerous to men, so be careful of women. And you hear some of that conversation, thank goodness that most of that is gone, but you would hear that in the past. Extreme reserve and expression of affection, and really it had a lot to do with reserve with the whole feeling dimension. The whole feeling dimension was not important, not considered important, and so we never taught people what to do with their feeling life, and you certainly were to be reserved.

[06:19]

Don't be outwardly expressive, watch what you're doing with your own feelings, even with your own family. And we had visiting days. There were 55 in my class when we entered. 55 of us. And most of us were 18. And so when our parents came, you know, we had brothers and sisters, younger brothers and sisters and everything. And we were to be as reserved as you could be. We were not to be anywhere emotionally, even any hint that we were glad to see them. We were supposed to just be calm and cool and walk down. And it was all part of this. That was as much as we got about being in relationship, which is what sexuality is all about. undertaken as a part of the life form rather than a specific charism, it was just you got it with the package and it really wasn't considered, did you have this call? And then finally there was little education regarding sexuality, even biology, and little or no effective education, which is the feeling side of us. In a lot of ways, we have to compare it very well. Remember we said we're not going to try to blame or judge.

[07:21]

That isn't the point here. We're just trying to name the truth of most of our experience. It probably looks like this. If it wasn't, if you've got some more education here, more opportunities around sexuality, then consider yourself lucky because most of us, this is what the corporation is. I'm going to skip the next one because right now we're talking about, well, we can take a look here. It's really, currently, there's more education about healthy, integrated sexuality, the importance of feelings and intimacy. There's no tampering in congregations, more than that. Religious life, we'll talk about it, it's a claim on our whole life. The third point is very important and one that men and women, religious, at least the active orders, are struggling with. It's a choice of who and how to love. And it's really, it is about our loving relationship with one another and with God and with others. And that it's not simply we're here to work. And that's a shift that people are really struggling with. We've had a lot of ministry focus, which is fine.

[08:22]

It's a perfectly good thing, especially for the South Quarters. That's where we belong in ministry. But our relationship with each other is sometimes poor. And so we're struggling, many congregations are struggling, to include our relationship with each other as part of our call and to really work on that. And then Sullivan say, this is Sandra Schneider's, I'm sure you've seen some of her books, Finding the Treasure and Losing... losing all her fingers. She says it's the only value unique to religious life. A very interesting comment because she says we're all called to poverty, the right use of resources, and we're all called to be obedient to God's call to discover our vocation and to give our gifts and service and so she said celibacy is the only one that really makes this life unique. You might not agree but it's an interesting perspective. And then the current motivation for some new members is they are seeking community, and they are. You hear them say, I'm interested in connection, I want to be involved with people who do similar things, you know, who have a mission.

[09:26]

But we have to be careful that we're also asking, do you really feel called to philanthropy? Because right now, that's a challenging question. So this is some of the new stuff. I'd like to just highlight this for a minute and then we'll look at the slides that you have. In this assembly, it says criteria in choosing celibacy, but it really is criteria in living celibacy in a healthy way. And notice the first slide. And I can't say this enough, this self-knowledge, that we really need to be aware of who we are and what our... And self-knowledge always includes two parts. It includes our past and it includes our present life. And so when we talk about self-awareness or self-knowledge, we really talk about what's your personal story. What's your personal story with regard to... And we're only talking about sexuality now. So what's your personal story with regard to sexuality? How did your family deal with sexuality? What kind of information were you given or not given?

[10:27]

And a critical one, did anything ever happen along the way? Did anything ever happen that was inappropriate? Did someone speak to you in a way that was inappropriate? Did someone touch you in a way that was inappropriate? And what we're seeing is that many of us, and I'll say us, you know, it's women and men religious, we have some part of our history where something happened that shouldn't have happened. And it depends on how you deal with that and how you process that. It may still be impacting your current life. So, and by the way, if it's not us in religious life, it's the people who come here. This is the whole notion of, you know, sexual abuse and there's a lot of it and it doesn't have to be that you were raped to have had something happen to you. There are some things, the way you were talked to sometimes, the way things, you may have been touched in a certain way. So there's self-knowledge about what's happened in the past, how is it impacting the present, and then the critical one really is what's happening to you right now. What are you thinking and feeling now?

[11:28]

How do you deal with your own sexuality now? And so it's always past and present coming together. The self conviction, this is one sentence that I think is so critical and I make sure the young people hear it, is to live a healthy celibate life you have to be convinced that this is the best way for you to love and be loved. That's the conviction. This is the best way for you to love and be loved. And that has to be fundamental to a healthy approach to celibacy. And so it isn't about giving up, it isn't about saying no, it's about yes and it's about loving. And so we have to be convinced that this is the best way for us. Now what's interesting is for most people it's not the best way. This is not ordinary. So for most people, it's not the best way. We're not going to have flocks of people coming to say, oh yeah, I'll come and join the monks at Mount Zayas, you know.

[12:30]

But for some of us, strange as it may seem, it is the best way. And so we have to, but we have to be aware of it. It's the best way for me to love and be loved. Then there needs to be freedom, you know. The old sentence that's true, you have to be free to leave to be free to stay. You can't be bound here or living a solid life because you don't think you have another option. That's not the issue here. It's freedom here and it's freedom to accept our life as enough. By the way, that's a sentence I would say to married couples. this partner is enough you know and they're not sometimes and just like our life isn't enough sometimes sometimes you wake up and in certain periods of your life you may be very challenged you know I remember when my brother and sister-in-law had their first baby it was very challenging for me as a single woman as a celibate person to know that I would never have that experience. And so when we experience life along the way, we feel the challenges and we have to say this is still enough.

[13:32]

And so it's enough. We don't live a risk-free life. Jesus didn't say come and be comfortable. He said come and see. And so the risking we take, you know, with one another, in community, by being open and vulnerable. This is not a risk-free life. And then we've got to fail, and we fail with each other. We disappoint each other. We hurt each other in community sometimes. We, you know, we get We get accustomed to one another, you know, we don't pay attention to one another sometimes. So we're going to make some mistakes, we're going to fail, and we'll fail others too, not just in community. But then we have to get back up and do it again. So couples fail each other. This is human stuff we're talking. And then I think we need to practice being celibate, you know, and that simply means, you know, remembering who we are. We're not single. We're committed men and women. We have to practice. We have to remember who we are and be that for others as we go along. And then, of course, the intimate relationship of God and others.

[14:33]

If we don't have that, it's going to be almost impossible to live this life. Intimacy, you can't live, we're not called to live isolated, disconnected lives. That's not what it means to be human, and that's not what we're called to do. Let's do some criteria. I'm going to skip a couple of slides here. You have these quotes, I think, on the second page. Aren't these ones from Sandra Strange? Do you have these? Yeah, okay. And all it says is, what she's trying to highlight here, I'm just going to highlight one part of it, because you've had the quote. It says, it's really a choice, not simply a choice of a kind of community or ministry, but a choice of our relational capacity. It's a choice of who and how to love. That's what we're doing. That's what's all this about. It's about loving. It's about a choice of who and how to love. That you say you're going to love one another in this community and love others, but you have a commitment to one another and to the men in this room. And I would have a commitment to the women in my congregation.

[15:35]

So it is about loving and it's about service. It's not simply either or. And I think that's what Sandra's trying to put out there. And then Omerku, do you know his work, Dan Omerku? He's an Irish social psychologist, I think he is. He does an interesting thing here. He says, you know, he talks about, let's change the names, let's talk about the, he's a language person. So he says, you know, we keep talking about vows of celibacy, and that comes from an older notion of of the world isn't such a good place, so we're going to take a vow that helps us be other than what the world promotes enough. And he says it's a negative thing. His thing is a nonviolent approach to the violence. That's his book that he's talking about. But notice that he says, what if we said we took a vow for relatedness? What if celibacy is really a vow for relatedness? And that very much fits with the understanding of sexuality that we're going to talk about.

[16:35]

Then we're not talking about a vow of not getting married, a vow of not having sex, a vow of... we're going to talk about a vow for relatedness, but a very special kind of relatedness, a way of being in a relationship that fits with the gospel, you know, and it doesn't... that's not exclusive. So, you have these slides, and we'll just take a look at, so what if so, let's see, we're more about yes than no. And I think we have to say, what are we inviting people to say yes to? And if we look here, it says, in the past, I think we saw the vows, I mean, maybe we still do see the vows as looking at perverse, the basic human energies are perverse. In other words, if you let humans be humans, they'll get into possessions, power, and passion. and they won't do it in a good way. That's an old view of the world, you know. Now I agree that what we're seeing is a lot of corruption that does fit with this. People are very much into things over people, right? A lot of, we're into a very own more, have more and you'll be happy, which isn't true.

[17:39]

So there's some of that's true. We're into power, as you know, even our own government. is behaving in a way that says, you know, we're in charge and misusing power. And then of course we're talking about passion and we're talking here about the misuse of sexuality, all of the dis-ease. So some of this is true, but what he says, what I'd like to say here is that it's really not about we're going to have vows that are against those perversions, but really we're talking about trying to foster positive forces of transformation that worked in our times. And there are positive forces of transformation. So, notice that what is happening in and around sexuality, often gone astray and abusive, no doubt about it. I mean, I know you're in tune with the world and what's happening, But it is really, the area of sexuality is extraordinarily messy at this point. I mean, we are really, it's a huge area of dis-ease and disorderliness.

[18:41]

But underneath it, there is a real legitimate desire on the part of many, many people for loving connection, reaching beyond themselves, tenderness, pleasure, and affirming of life itself. There really is this great hunger in the people of God and among us to have these things matter, you know. And I think This is what I think celibacy has to be thought of today is that it's really about when we live our celibate life we need to talk about a deep desire for connection that we try to be connected ourselves and we foster this kind of connection among ourselves and others. It's about liberating from stereotypical roles, so we're not going to say men are, and leave men in a very stereotypic, rigid way, or women are, or lesbian women are, or gay men are. We're going to try to get rid of the stereotypes about people and let people be individuals and deal with the diversity. That we're going to talk about sexual minorities have rights, you know, and we're going to be promoters of those.

[19:45]

We're going to do, like, equal rights for women. And then finally, I think this last piece that we want to promote a country, a society, a world that is characterized by respect, respectful mutuality, intimacy, and equality. I mean, I think that's what I say to the women and men I work with. I say, is that how we would describe our kind relation? Well, we say, would you describe yourself here at the monastery? And it's respectful, respectfully mutual, intimate and equal. Is that how you deal with one another? Is that what people would experience here, you know, when they came to visit? I think that's what we're trying to say, that felonies enhance debate looked at in those terms. So the point of this introduction is to say, yes, there are some felonies. It is about we don't have partners. We don't have genital sexual relationships. We're not in exclusive relationships with people. Those are the no's. Those are part of what it means to be celibate. But are we saying yes to something?

[20:47]

And are we trying to say to people that these are possible? And I think that's one of the profound lines of one of the women in my own congregation. She said, religious life exists to say certain things are possible in every era. So my question is, what are we saying is possible now in the area of sexuality? And is it some of these things? We could add some other things to the list, but what are we saying is possible by our life? Our life is supposed to say something that's possible with regard to sexuality, with regard to celibacy, you know, and celibacy is the way we're trying to say it. Does that make some sense? I mean at least to talk about are we saying yes to something, at least raises the question? Does it raise the question for you? And it's not that you never thought of that before. I'm just simply saying, I don't think it's too thrilling. I don't know about you, but I don't think it's too thrilling to say, come and join us and say no for the rest of your life. It's not about simply about no.

[21:50]

I think it has to be about some yes. And so I think as you consider new members or people are interested, and as they come and seek it out, are they also coming to realize they're going to say some yes that's not simply no in the area of sexuality? We're only talking about sexuality. Okay? Any comments or questions? Would you like to comment on that? I'm going to switch some slides here for a minute, and so we can take a look at sexuality. What do you think about that? Any stories about that kind of conversation about self-esteem being more about yes than no? Yes, I think it is. Well, in our tradition we're praying, of course, to God. I'm praying to be well. a veil of war on the poor. So it's for many areas, not just for God, but I think that we have to, we're trying to be discreet and humble about saying these things, but in fact isn't that our background that it's a freeing rather than a denial perhaps.

[23:02]

Yes, I think that's true. I think all, I think what we're trying to do here is, I actually agree with you, is to say, to put some words on what are we moving toward, you know, what are we saying yes to? We are not just simply, it is a great thing, but we're just saying yes to, I think, with regard to sexuality, I think we're trying to say yes to some of these very specific things about being sexual. But yes, I think that's true. You know, it is about upbringing, you know. off of the restroom. I betcha it doesn't work when you go out to drive. They're great little machines when they work the way that I do too.

[24:06]

All right, we're here. We'll give you another hand up. It's not that. It's just that I've seen a picture of him. Watch this. You know him? I don't know him. No. I've met him here. [...] It's a big deal. We've heard about sexuality saying, well, what is it? I think it's important to think about what do we mean by the word sexuality?

[25:39]

This is the root word. This is the Latin word. And it's interesting, the root word, when I first looked at this myself, when I was, you know, kind of doing, getting preparation, I think, well, that sounds strange. The root comes from the word Latin sexus, which means to cut or to divide. And so you might say to yourself, what in the world does that have to do with sexuality? Well, if you think about it in these terms, what it does, it's what it really means, is that we are incomplete speaking poems. That's really what the fundamental word is about, that we are incomplete. speaking wholeness and that really we're about connection and that's really what the sexual energy is about. So therefore if you look at this, if you have this slide here, if you notice what it says, it says that it's the energy in us. Sexuality is our energy. It's energy that's in us that inclines us or moves us into relationship with other people. It moves us into a relationship with other people. Now I'm sure if you think about the last few weeks, have you thought about, any one of these experiences, have you thought about somebody in the last couple of weeks that you say I wonder how Joe is or I wonder how my sister is or I wonder how somebody is, you know.

[26:53]

You might have thought, gee, I haven't heard from somebody in a while. I wonder how they're doing. Things can happen, you know, and as you're working along, maybe you might need to just get reminded of someone and you wonder how they're doing. Right? It happens. That's part of this. And the question is, what do you do with the reminder? Do you drop him a note or if you have a chance, do you do an email or whatever? The point here is that when we do remember somebody or we have a sense of, well, I wonder how they're doing, that's energy. When we talk about energy here, we're not talking about the energy to have sex only. Although when you have an erotic feeling, and it is about wanting to be with one another, be with a person not just in mind and heart but in body, that's pretty ordinary, you know, to have a sense of wanting to be one with. But it's that little vague notion, too, about, I wonder how they're doing. Or if you receive a card from somebody, do you feel kind of joyful, you know, you feel connected to the person, you know, like somebody remembers you, you know. So it's that sense of connection that that's what this energy is about.

[27:56]

And then notice what the second one and by the way the second quote is from James Nelson. I'm not sure if you have any of his material but James Nelson is a he's a Methodist minister psychologist who does a lot of work in the area of sexuality. This is from I think it's book called The Secret Garden or the between two gardens, which is sexuality and spirituality. He tries to kind of put those two energies together. But what he says here, it is physiological, sometimes, the grounding of our capacity. In other words, our bodies are involved. We feel connected to people, you know, we feel energy in us, you know, we can feel connected, especially if we find we like somebody, we want to be with them, you know, we feel that energy. But he said the thoughts of psychological, and I like this next sentence, he said it expresses God's intention that we find our authentic humanness not in isolation but in connection. And I think that's fundamentally what we're talking about when we talk about what is sexual energy. It moves us to connect with other people because that's how we become fully human.

[29:00]

There's no way you and I can become fully human without each other, without being in relationship. And we need members of the community to be in relationship with. We're in relationship with our families, although sometimes our families are either small or can't respond, so sometimes we can't rely on family. And that applies to everybody. It doesn't matter what your orientation is. It doesn't matter whether you're a genitally active or a celibate person or a man or a woman or aged or young or able-bodied or disabled. It's everybody that we're talking about this connection. Next slide. I don't think I... I'm not sure if I gave you this. I don't think I... Go for it. Switch gears. This is from Ron Roheiser, from the book The Holy Longing.

[30:01]

So if you have that you might want to take a look at the chapter on sexuality and spirituality. But Ron Roheiser says this, and notice how he picks right up on the definition, which I think a lot of us are beginning to see the same kind of insight. He said sexuality is a beautiful, good, extremely powerful, sacred energy or divine energy, whatever you want to call it, given us by God, experienced in every cell of our being. Notice, is the irrepressible urge to overcome our incompleteness. Here it is right there. To overcome our incompleteness and to move toward unity and consummation with what is behind us. That's to move to some kind of oneness with other people. Now, as celibate persons, we're going to be able to be one in some mind and heart, and we don't have one in mind and heart and body. That belongs in a monogamous, committed relationship. So we're not talking about having sex. We're not talking about having a physical sexual relationship with people.

[31:03]

But we are talking about being connected to them. We are talking about being able to be connected to others and to be with other people in both personal relationships but then also in the broader sense of being in love with the world, you know, as you pray for the world and peace and all those things. That sense of other people matter, you know. And then notice what he says, it's the pulse in us to celebrate and give and receive delight. Isn't that a wonderful way to think about our sexuality? That we're called to celebrate life and to give and receive delight. One other way of looking at sexuality is to say that we are called to give life and bless it every day. called to give life and bless it every day. And that's a really good question. How today will you give life and bless it? Now, most of us, although I know people do enter who have been married and have had children, most of us will not have physical children. That's not our route.

[32:04]

But we've had a lot of talk about giving life and blessing it. So how are we giving life and blessing it today? And that's part of what it means to be celibate. And I think we need to be more conscious of that. Notice what it says here. This is also around, and he says, sexuality is overcoming separateness, and here, Darwin uses, by giving life and blessing it. And then notice all the ways he talks about being sexual. And I think this is important for us to look at. These are ways of being or opportunities to be sexual in the broadest sense that we're talking about. Not doing what our culture says, be sexual equals having sex. So look at this. When we are, when we give ourselves to community, when you give yourself to this community, you're being sexual. When you give yourself over to friendship, some of you may be friends with one another. You know, you can't be friends with everybody in community, that's not real. But we do have to have a relationship with each other, but it may not be a friendship.

[33:06]

But some of you may be friends, or you have friends with other folks, you know, outside in the community, which is part of what happens. When we get ourselves over to family, sometimes that works. My family is very small. My parents died by the time I was 23. So I haven't had a relationship with parents for a long time because they died when I was so young. But I do have a brother and a niece and nephew. So my family is quite small. And so a lot of my relationships will happen outside of my family because my family is very small. When we get ourselves to service of one another, that's a way of being sexual, it's a way of being human. And notice, I like what Ron does, I'm not sure he did this on purpose, but notice where he puts service. He puts it in the middle of not at the first thing, because why, we're called to be in relationship and to be of service. But then notice, when we're creative, I think when we look at issues, you know, I'm sure you're dealing with, as a community, questions, decisions you have to make, you know, when we come at it and say, well, what if, or we try to be as creative as possible, it's a way of using our sexual energy to promote life.

[34:20]

Or when we come at it the old, you know, we've come at it saying, well, we always do it this way here. You know, it limits how we can live our own life. And so again, how creative are we encouraging one another to be about creativity, to be about humor? One of the things we need to do is we need to laugh a little more. Now, the one thing that happens sometimes with men, I don't know, I think usually with, my experience with monks is you're a much gentler group, but a lot of men use sarcasm. Now sarcasm is veiled anger. It's not humor. And so when we see a lot of sarcasm, it's really anger being dished out in indirect ways. And it's not helpful. So we're not talking about being sarcastic. We're talking about humor, where we can laugh at you. We say, you know, we're a little strange, so funny things happen to us, you know. We can laugh at ourselves and laugh with others, you know. Delight, then came the light of life, and then it's marked down, hopefully, that will not be our choice, but it might be half of us.

[35:24]

And then, so we can bring new light to the world. Sexuality is an all-encompassing energy. Dick said it again, and it's the drive in us for when we want to love, we want to be in communion. Interestingly, the Holy Father, not too long ago, talked about priests need to be men of communion. men of communion. Well, what does that mean? It's simply not persons who are, you know, who give the Eucharist, you know, provide the Eucharist, but that they be in relationship, that they need to be connected with one another, and they need to be connected with the laity, need to be connected with priests, other priests, you know. So it's a real call, and then for us, a call to community, to friendship, and then notice the word faction in there. you know that we're called to be affectionate people now what kind of affection how do we express affection so that you're not crossing boundaries how do you know what's appropriate for us to be a kind of affectionate do what's appropriate for us what works you know those are all critical questions and then notice it goes on at the show about big work, big joy, delight, and humor, and that we go beyond ourselves.

[36:29]

You know, this is again, part of this great energy in us. It's not just about me. It's about me and you. This great sexual energy that we have. This piece is very important, and you probably already know this, but I think this is so important for many of you that don't know this sometimes, is that if our energy, sexual energy, is flowing and functioning in a way, it will move us to two different places, and times we will move to solitude, we'll need to be away from, we'll need to not have noise or not have conversation. We need that contemplative time, that time for a relationship with our deepest self and with God. So a healthy sexuality will move sometimes people to say, I just need some space. And I'm sure you find men in particular who come here, but men and women who come looking for that space. And really the world is hungering for that solitude, for some space. Because we live in an anti-solitude culture. It's do more, be more, have more.

[37:30]

That's what the culture says. So solitude is a very important thing that a lot of people don't have a search for. And then notice, if our energies function, it will also move us to intimacy. connection with our deepest self, with one another and with God. So those are going to be hallmarks. Solitude and intimacy, trying to balance those out, connection with others, time away, those are going to be critical to live a healthy celibate life. How are you doing? I mean, I think that's the real question. How do you do about your own solitude times? Probably you're talking about your own being able to be intimate. What does that look like? We're going to talk about intimacy tomorrow. And then if our energy is not functioning well, it takes us to isolation. And if you remember, sexual energy is about connection. Therefore, if we are in isolation, we're living contrary to the divine energy in us. The divine energy in us is about connection. Now, it doesn't mean healthy connection, and it means solitude, and it means a variety of things.

[38:31]

But it is about connection. And that's what you have to think about. So I think again, how is your sexual energy leading you to healthy connections? Let's do this, we'll do just two more pieces and then we'll see what kind of thoughts you have or questions you may have. The first one says, when we talk about healthy single sexual development, we're talking about developing across six areas. six areas of development. And the first one is the physical area, and that means, you know, our own bodies, taking care of our own bodies, understanding how our bodies respond, you know, paying attention to your own physical, sexual responses. And so physical is understanding how the human body works, how your body works, and really being able to take care of your body is part of what it means to be sexual and to develop and to help be male. Cognitively has to do with your own thinking. You know, what do you think about sexuality?

[39:32]

That's part of what this conversation hopefully is about. Do you, will you think about sexuality in the same way after we talk for these couple of days? Or will you, will your thoughts change in a way that helps you to be the fully human being that God asks you to be? So what do you think about, what attitudes do you have about sexuality? So attitudes and beliefs are critical. And if you believe sexuality is something you just tolerate, then that's how you're going to deal with your body. If you think that sexuality is this great energy about connection, you're going to be paying attention to what kind of connections you make or don't make. Okay? Emotionally, this has to do with your feeling life. I mean, we've said this like three times already, but what are your feelings trying to tell you? And that's what they are, you know, feelings are messengers. So for example, if you find yourself sad, it's telling you there's some loss in your life. Sadness is always about loss of some kind, right? Anger is usually about some kind of injustice or an unmet expectation.

[40:36]

Now one of the things that I find true is a lot of men in particular get mad because it's easier to be mad than sad. So you'll find some people quite angry. You may find some men who come and visit you. They'll talk about anger. If you can get underneath, underneath the anger is some great sadness. Because it's much harder for us to be sad than mad. You know, it's mad pushes people away and gets us out of it, you know. But the sadness is dealing with loss and we're struggling sometimes. Okay, so again, what is your feeling like telling you we need to be emotionally connected with ourselves and with one another and sometimes we've divorced ourselves from our feeling like. Socially, can you be in relationship without being self-conscious? I think that's the best way I can say it, that you can be you without being self-conscious. You know, and morally it has to do with, you know, living with integrity.

[41:38]

Living with integrity. Is the person I say I am how I live? You know, and that includes, that means especially with sexuality. Am I living, am I being sexual in a way that fits with being a monk, with being a brother here in this community? Is that how I'm living my sexual life? And if not, then we have to raise some moral questions. It's about integrity, morality here. And then the last one is your spiritual life. Do you see your sexual energy as really divinely given, it's part of your spiritual life, it's not something divorced from your spiritual life? And how are you integrating it? And what is God inviting you to with your sexual energy? If you're feeling your sexuality, do you know that God is there sometimes we say God is not there we have God in the chapel but we don't have God in our own sexual energy you know so this is again keeping God connected to our divine energy And we'll do this last slide and then we'll see what kind of conversation we have. And the last one says there are really four qualities that we need to be healthy sexually and to develop a healthy sexuality.

[42:47]

We need to pay attention to the four qualities. And I invite you to think about these. How are these in your own life? And let's look at the first one, the emerging self-awareness. And don't you like that ing word? I like those words that end with ing because it tells us we're not finished. You know, this is a lifelong task to be self-aware. How am I feeling today? And it doesn't matter what age or stage of life you're in. Where am I at today with regard to this great divine energy about connection? How am I giving life a blessing today? Am I stuck? Or am I frightened? Or am I struggling? Or am I attracted to someone and I don't know what to do with my attraction? I mean those, you know, or somebody attracted to me and I don't know how to handle them. because they keep showing up. They keep showing up in my life, you know. So we're talking here about self-awareness. It's an emerging thing that's part of our life. It will never go away. And it's a lifelong thing about understanding yourself as a man, as a sexual person who's trying to live a healthy, sober life.

[43:52]

The second one is responsible freedom. And notice, nice balance of words. We're called to be free. We need to be free, be in relationship with others in a free way, but we need to be responsible. We're not single people, and I know you know that. You're not single, you're committed men, living in terms of a healthy communal and relational life. So how do we do that? And we need to be responsibly free. We need to take some risks in relationship. We need to be more vulnerable with one another. We're not vulnerable with one another a lot of times in Canada. You don't talk about the struggles that you face with one another, you just keep it private. A lot of times we think I'm the only one struggling here. But if we talk to each other, so this means really being more vulnerable with one another by choosing to do that, you know. The third one says that developing creativity, and it really is about can we look at things differently? Can you look at your life differently? Can we say, you know, what are we being called to together today? And can we try some different things?

[44:55]

And it doesn't mean there's no order. And it doesn't mean there's no horarium, you know, we'd be all crazy if there wasn't some kind of schedule. But what are we really being called to, especially if we're called to loving relationships? Might you make some different choices at a given time because you're saying, it's important that we do this because, you know, some of this creativity of being in relationship. And then the last one, the deepening capacity for intimacy. I always like having a few more gray hairs because I'm convinced that, you know, in their 20s, people are not, it's not possible to really be intimate in your 20s. There's too many other agendas. You know, you're trying to figure out who you are and what you're, what you're going to do for a life's work and everything. So you have to have lived a little to be able to talk about intimacy. So we're really primed for living a more intimate life. But we have to know that intimacy is important, and we have to choose it, and we have to know how to get there as celibate men and women. And I think that's the real challenge, you know, is to look at intimacy as a real call in our life.

[45:56]

Whereas in the past, I don't know about you, but when I entered, they did not talk to me about living a good life. That was not on the agenda. But it is on the agenda now, and so I think we have to say, what are we being called to? So these are very important qualities that you might want to say to yourself, how am I doing? That'd be a good question you might want to say. How am I doing? How am I with my own self-awareness? How am I with being responsibly free? And that means to be in a relationship and take some risks in the community and outside of it. Do I tend to be a little creative? Am I willing to take a look at things differently? Or is it always the same, you know? And then the last one is, do I really feel that I'm called to intimacy? And we'll take a look at what that means in one of the articles right away. Here, Martin Cavill's article is called Skills Needed for Celibacy. And Martin's a conventional OFM, conventional, you know. The thing that he talks about, he talks about skills in two different ways.

[46:59]

He says there's intra-personal skills, skills within us. as persons and inter-skills between us. And he says we've got to be better with our skill with ourself and that's he talks about reflection, self-awareness. We've got to get better with our skills with one another because we won't connect with ourselves or with one another unless we do. There's a good little article that really talks about being more skillful and we don't have to feel so guilty because we've learned some of these things before. So maybe we can, you know, we can just take just a minute here and say, well, what do you think? You know, these are just a lot of words, I realize, early in the morning, and you've got other things to think about, but what do you think? You think about what does it mean to be sexual? Does this help when we talk, take a look at some of the words that role models are using? Remember, we're starting here. It's about doing this, and this is what it means, that there's great energy in us for connection. What do you think?

[47:58]

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