When you started, you said something about being able to speak in a way that inspires others to relaxation, compassion, kindness. And tears came into my eyes. And until just a few minutes ago, I was crying. I didn't know I was enjoying everything, but the tears came into my eyes out of this. The story that I told myself that I can't do it, that the story of self-error and self-blame and being wrong, that story just came up. And it came up as tears in my eyes. So I just would like to express it. So that story's still alive. Yeah. That's a confession, too, maybe. And if you quietly explore the farthest reaches of the causes and conditions of that story, that type of exploration of the causes and conditions of that story, just watch those stories and watch what happens when you think of them.

[01:15]

And watch when they come up. Study all that and listen to the teaching that that kind of meditation is the the exact practice of a verified Buddha. Buddhas look at that kind of stuff. So look at that kind of stuff, that's good. That will help you be able to stand up and say the inspiring thing, saying just the right thing for the people at hand. And sometimes the right thing is to stand up and do a confession. Sometimes that's very inspiring because sometimes when one person confesses, other people say, well, that wasn't so bad. I think I could do it now. And then people start just being honest left and right because somebody just got up there and said, you know, I got problems. And I'm so glad I said so.

[02:19]

I've been hiding before. But now you know my problems, yes. All right. So, I guess, if I'm confused, I guess what I'm seeking is to not be. What I'm grasping after is to be the one who isn't. Can you see the difference between wanting to be relieved and seeking relief? Well, in my mind I can see it, just like the kind of feverish desire to be believed, as opposed to just the clear like, okay, you know, I'd like to be believed, but it seems more like this kind of aggressive.

[03:38]

Yeah, right. So in other words, it's okay to want to be relieved, like if somebody comes up to you saying, well, would you like to be relieved? Okay. You're sitting there, you know, on duty, being yourself, and somebody comes up to you and says, would you like to be relieved? Sure. Or sometimes you might say, no, I'm fine. I'll just be like this. Actually, I guess I'm already relieved. And the person might say, well, would you please leave? And you say, fine, I can be relieved over there. So I just wanted to make clear that it is okay to wish to be relieved of suffering. It's fine. But it's more the tone of, hey, whenever time, I'm up for it. Anybody wants to deliver me total liberation from suffering, hey, I'm ready. I'm ready. Are you ready, brother? Yes. But also, I'm into being ready for relief.

[04:40]

I want to be ready for relief if it ever happens to come. And therefore, I understand that if I'm seeking relief, I won't be ready for relief. So number one, if I'm seeking relief, I don't feel too good. Number two, if I'm seeking relief, I'm going to miss my relief. And there's a difference between that kind of like... and... Okay, so... And I just... I just mention that because you don't have to eliminate wanting to be relieved. It's okay that you want to be relieved. The part you have to let go of is the seeking relief. Yeah, I think I made that confusion in the text. It often talks about the wish for enlightenment as opposed to seeking after enlightenment. Right. Yeah. I often would read Doudin. I'd often get bothered by him talking about that that's one of the qualities that philosophy has to have, is the arousing of the wish. Right. But I always see this, the seeking to be.

[05:43]

Right. Exactly. So... the wish for enlightenment, the spirit of enlightenment, the willingness to be enlightened, those are all okay. But there's no seeking in that wish. And the Buddha wishes, the Buddha wishes to open our eyes to Buddha's wisdom. The Buddha wishes to demonstrate Buddha's wisdom to us. The Buddha wishes for us to awaken to Buddha's wisdom. But there's no seeking in the Buddha's wishing. This is compassion that the Buddha wants this for us. But there's no seeking in that. So the Buddhist do have desire. They have nice, I don't want to say burning, although I sometimes say burning. Today I just want to say, because of the humidity. I just want to say they have a warm desire that all beings would be thoroughly awakened.

[06:45]

They really desire that, but there's no seeking. In other words, Buddha's cool with the present situation. Buddha loves us the way we are. Loving us the way we are is Buddha. There's nothing wrong with this, and Buddha wishes that we would get that. That's why Buddha's not seeking anything. And that's why Buddha's happy. But there's a dent in Buddha's happiness, and that's our lack of realization. But basically Buddha's happy with lots of dents of all the suffering beings. So we need to like confess the seeking part, confess the seeking part, confess the seeking part, and of course notice the seeking part, notice the seeking part, confess it, and see how the seeking works, see how the seeking works, see how it works. We need to do that. As long as there's seeking, we need to notice it, confess it, notice it, confess it.

[07:49]

And that means in confessing and noticing, there's no seeking in the confessing and noticing. There's seeking here, but over here there's just like seeking, [...] seeking. And patience. tolerance, seeking, seeking, seeking, frustration, seeking, seeking, frustration, seeking, frustration, seeking, frustration, we need to develop tolerance for our frustration that comes up with our seeking so we can watch some more seeking and some more frustration. And the more we watch that, the more we get ready, get ready, get ready. So the watching, the seeking is part of the being ready for the release. relaxing with the seeking, after a while there's no more seeking. When there's no more seeking, you're just ready. You're ready, you're ready, you're tolerant, basically you're there. You already are there, basically you feel like you're already there, and it's just up to the universe when you're going to know that you're there.

[08:55]

I'm looking at this picture on the wall, the light coming out of the body. And I think of this story, which I think is in the book Being Upright. A friend of mine was at a bus stop on Fillmore Street in San Francisco. Fillmore Street's a famous street in San Francisco. You'll find it in a number of Humphrey Bogart movies. Anyway, it's in one of those old streets that had lots of color on it. So she was waiting for a bus on Fillmore Street, and there was a man sitting next to her. And he was a black man. And she started talking to him. And she asked him how old he was. He said he was 102. And she says something like, to what do you attribute your venerable age? You ever heard that story? Is that in Being Upright? Maybe you can edit it out. Anyway, she said, to what do you attribute your venerable age and good health?

[09:59]

And he said. It says in the Bible that he who stands upright before me shall be denied nothing. We just need to practice like being upright. And being upright means, you know, okay, if you're seeking, okay, I'm seeking. But also if there's no seeking, you're just upright. Just be upright and nothing will be withheld from you. You will be relieved. You will become a place where Buddha's wisdom is open to, awakened to, demonstrated and entered But we have to be upright, which includes, of course, confessing when we're not upright. If you're not upright confessing you're upright, there's upright. What is upright?

[11:02]

Is that just being present? Yeah, just being present and honest. The Chinese character for upright also means honest or straightforward. Upright means not leaning forward into the future, not leaning back into your past. It means not leaning into good and not leaning into bad. It means just relaxed and let everything drop away and be here. And when you practice that, you start to calm down. So that's like the key entry. into Samadhi. And then you're practicing being ready. How are you doing, Andrew? I was thinking of that line in the same thing, where the way is not difficult for the one who has. Yeah. Right. So, a presence is maybe arising in the room somewhere, even close to your ear, like a little thing in your ear.

[12:07]

But, They're not yours. Somebody's talking about preferences around here. I can hear somebody talking about, somebody says, I don't like this. Somebody says, get out of here. I also heard of the story of this Zen teacher in England. She's German. Her name's Irmgard Schlegel. She's one of the early Westerners to go to Japan and study Zen. I think in the 50s and 60s, about the same time as Gary Snyder, when he went. So she studied there, and then she left, and now she's in London. And I heard a story that she told where she went to Japan, and they're teaching her to bow. So part of her mind, I don't know if you want to call it her whatever, but part of her discursive thoughts going like, what is this bowing stuff? It's, I don't know about this bowing stuff. She says part of her was like that, but somebody else was like bowing, just doing the prostrations.

[13:14]

So somebody's like, you know, making, chattering away, you know. I, you know, I wish, what have I been doing the bowing for? I wish it wasn't so humid. Somebody's going like that, you know. Or, you keep, you know, relaxation's really silly. You can't do that. You can't get, this isn't, let's face facts. Let's be in the real world here, you know. You've got to be uptight. So that little thing's going on. But somebody else is like going. Also, I just thought of, you know, in the hero, a lot of the hero myths, in the Western hero myths, the hero is kind of dumb. Actually, the hero is called a doomling. The hero is kind of dumb. You know what I mean? Like, Percival is kind of dumb. Like you say, go over there, and it just goes. I think it's also a challenge to not seek when you feel a deep concern for an issue out in the world and you're just, I mean, I'm obviously speaking for myself, but a concern for the environment, let's say, and you see the clock running out and you feel pressure to seek a solution.

[14:45]

And I think that the same thing applies to the person who's seeking and the seeker. Right, right, right. And like when you're getting a massage, you know, you feel pressure when you're getting a massage. Sometimes the pressure's real hard, it's hard to relax. So then sometimes maybe if you can't relax, maybe the masseuse will like lighten up a little bit so you can relax. Because if you don't relax, it doesn't necessarily work. So then you lighten up, and then you press a little harder, and maybe then you can relax. So part of learning how to relax is sometimes to set the special situation. Like this. Well, there's some pressure in your situation, too. Maybe not as bad as, like, in some other areas that you've worked. But there's some pressure here. So you want to get in some situation where you can learn how to relax when there's pressure. So the humidity is a kind of pressure.

[15:50]

And there's a time issue here, too. So you have time and humidity pressing on you. Can you relax? It is so great. If not, too bad. And confess you can't. Or maybe try to meditate in some place that's air conditioned. Maybe you can relax there. Try to find out what it's like to relax, and then And then, of course, we want to move into areas where the pressure is just at the point where our relaxation is getting count. So most of us have areas like that. And if you don't, you should get some. If you can relax in every situation, you're probably not challenged. So you probably got to get to a situation where You can't relax. Then you know, OK, maybe this is too much, but maybe I could relax with this. So sometimes, without lightening and pressure, you can relax. And then you move to another area where it's too much, but maybe not too much right now, but maybe you could learn.

[17:00]

You have to keep moving to an area where you can't get relaxed in order to expand the samadhi around. So who can go to Israel and relax? Maybe nobody right now, maybe that's part of the problem, is that everybody there is tense, maybe. Maybe nobody can relax, and if somebody, if some people could go there and relax and start being playful. Like in San Francisco, you know, I saw this picture in San Francisco, and I think it was in front of the city hall. On one side of the street was all these Palestinian flags, and the other side of the street was all Israeli flags, and these police, you know, up in the middle of the street, keeping the two sides apart. If there was a relaxed person, a relaxed Israeli, or a relaxed Palestinian, maybe the relaxed Palestinian could have gone on the Israeli side, he said. And maybe the Israeli would have said, get out of here, you Palestinian.

[18:05]

If the Palestinian could continually relax after that, they say, okay, how about that? But before I go, could I ask one more question? And the person might say, what? And you might say, what does your religion say to do in a certain context like this? When your enemy comes up to you and asks you to dance, what does your religion say? Every person would say, well, it says love the enemy. So how about it? Why don't we go out there and stand in the middle and invite our friends to come out in the middle? If we can't make friends here in San Francisco, well, we don't even have war. If we can't come off the two sides of the street and do it here, there's no hope of it happening. Come on, let's do it. If somebody could have gone there and got the two sides to work, We would say, could .

[19:13]

But it's hard. Even in San Francisco, it's hard. So there's some situations which we see in the world right now where nobody seems to be skillful enough to bring playfulness and relaxation into the situation. And so that's a horror, right? It's horrible when it gets so bad that there can't be any playfulness and there can't be any love. I have a story that the Cuban Missile Crisis was averted by playfulness. So now there's a new movie out, I think, about that called K-19. It's about a Russian nuclear submarine that was heading towards Cuba. Anyway, we got very close to nuclear war is part of what that movie's trying to say. But I think it's true. I know a guy who was in a ship and was heading towards Cuba. And he had told his wife to get away from Washington, DC.

[20:16]

We were very close to war there. And what happened, I heard, is that a Russian and an American were in a bar together. and one of them said to the other one, you know, do you guys want to do this? And they said, no. And he said, you don't? We don't either. Does your boss know that? And they said, no. I thought, you know. And they went home to talk to their bosses and their bosses told their bosses and their bosses told their bosses and their bosses called their bosses and said, hey, let's call this off. And, you know, that was what it took. Both sides thought the other one really wanted to wail away, you know. The Russians thought we wanted to have a war, and we thought they did. So sometimes the playfulness can really work, but it's hard to relax and come up with a playful, creative response and say the prayer that will convert the other side. It's hard. But if you don't relax, your creative capacity is squelched and you're just basically frozen.

[21:20]

So we've got these two sides, and then you have you there frozen, too. You can't contribute anything, except you're sort of like, almost like reinforcing the stalemate or the face-off. So at times like that, that's when our practice, if it's strong, really comes to fruit, if we can relax in situations like that and then say something. There's a famous Zen koan like that, right? It's called, Nanchuan Kills the Cat. Two sides of the monastery were arguing over a cat. They were fighting over a cat. Nanchuan heard about it, held up the cat and said, If anybody can say a good word, the cat's life will be spared. If you can't, I'll cut the cat in two. And everybody froze in fear and cut the cat. Nobody could relax and run up to a non-fond and say, hey, take my neck.

[22:27]

Nobody could come up to a non-fond and say, is that knife sharp? Nobody can come to Nha Trang and say, is that Jack Spade? Nobody can come up to Nha Trang and say, I know the cat. Nobody can come to Nha Trang and say, that's my mother. Nobody can come up to Nha Trang and say, give me the knife. Nobody can come up to Nha Trang and say, you got ants? They were frozen because nobody wanted the captain to get killed, right? Or the east side didn't all come forward and say, we give up. The west side didn't come up and say, we give up. They both stood there and said, we're right. They're wrong. So anyway, it is hard.

[23:32]

Those are the very situations that are, of course, hardest to relax, and those are the ones which we aspire to be able to even there do it. But of course it's hard. It's hard even in a nice situation like this. So let's learn how to do it here. Let's learn how to do it in this level of seriousness, in this level of rigor, in this level of birth and death. And then maybe we can do it in more and more challenging situations. That's the hope, right? And we can train other people and inspire other people to do the same. But of course we also have to admit we're not too good at this practice. We're not so good at relaxing. So we have to kind of like accept that and confess that and say, you know, in this life I might not get very far in the samadhi business and I might not be able to make very many great contributions, maybe none, but I'm going to try.

[24:36]

And I'll do what I can do. And that's what I'll do. You do it over the cushion all the time, don't you? You do it over the cushion all the time. Hopefully. Hopefully that's what you're, you're sitting on that cushion. to learn how to do this. And part of sitting on the cushion is trying to relax with your own stuff. It's hard enough with your own stuff. Like some people that tell me, you know, it's hard to relax with your own judgments that are going on in your own head about the people sitting next to you. Not to mention if you were like having some people being violent around you. So, well, we got plenty to work on, most of us. And if you don't, then... Leave the zendo and go to Israel. If it's too easy around here, there's harder places that would like you to come if you graduated from the samadhi course.

[25:44]

There's lots of places where they could use you. But most of us don't even say that. Most of us feel like, just my own mind is hard enough to relax with. Okay, well, if you're working on your own mind, you're not causing trouble. So at least you're not causing any trouble. And you're getting ready to be helpful. I want to kind of test my understanding of how you're using the word seek. Because I would have said that a couple weeks ago that I want to come to this retreat because I seek to be less confused. And what I think that you're using for this is that it's decisions that are made under stress. No. No. You can be stressed and relaxed. Like, again, pressure.

[26:47]

Somebody puts pressure on you, they might stress your tissue or stress your bones. So it's possible to be relaxed with stress. it's possible to be under stress and relaxed and ready. The difference between wanting, like wanting to be free or wanting to be free of seeking and seeking to be free of seeking, the way I'm using the words is that when you want to be free of seeking, it's again, it's like... I'd be happy to be free. I'd like to be free. I'm not so free. I'm somewhat free. I'm free enough to say that I'd like to be free. That's kind of free. But I'd like to be even more free. I'd like to be free enough so that I wasn't worried about me when I'm in the process of doing something good for somebody else. I'd like to be that way. I want to be that way. But seeking is a little bit like you're not paying attention to where you are. You're kind of leaning into the future. you're not ready for what's happening to you right now, because you're seeking someplace else.

[27:51]

So wanting something and being completely where you are, then you're not seeking. Like the Buddha. The Buddha wants certain things, but the Buddha is not someplace else. It almost sounds like making a decision. You're seeking. You just say, I'm already turning things around. There is something... I know, I know, it can seem like that, that making a decision seems like you're seeking, okay? But what about if you say to me, you say to me, do you want a glass of water? And I say, mm-hmm. And you say, well, you're not getting one. And I say, fine. I might have gone through that whole process without seeking the water at all. But you say you offer me a glass of water.

[28:56]

I think, yeah, that'd be nice. But if I then think, well, when's it coming? There's water coming. Great. Sometimes before the water's offered, you're not seeking it. But as soon as somebody offers it, you get into seeking it. But sometimes when people offer me things, I think, fine. That's it. But sometimes I hear, fine, and I go, well, then I'm not here anymore. Then it's seeking. What if you're really, really, really, really thirsty? If I'm really, really, really thirsty, then I guess people don't have to offer me the water for me to want the water. I want the water even before they offer it. I think, gee, I'd like some water. Me, thirsty me, would like some water. Mmm, water, mmm, that would be so good. But I might still be here, like, totally like, mmm, boy, would that be good. Rather than losing track of me, who's here, who's, like, really thirsty.

[29:59]

It's kind of, maybe it's a little bit subtle. One time, shortly before Suzuki Roshi died, he said to me, I want you to go to Japan, maybe in less than a month. And I said, OK. And then I went over to Japantown to the consulate. and got one of these visas that you, one of these documents where you can get a visa for more than just six months if you get a sponsor or something. I brought it back to him and I said, I said, here. He said, what's this? I said, well, it's a visa for going to Japan. He said, oh. He walked away with the visa. I never heard anything more about Japan. So I think he was, I sort of took that feedback as, you know, a little bit too interested in going. He suggested it, but I went for it a little bit too much, you know.

[31:08]

I didn't just say, oh, okay, you want me to go to Japan? Fine. Let me know, you know, if you want me to do anything about it, let me know. I mean, I hear you, but without further instructions, I'm just, like, here with you. Have any problem with that? So it may be subtle, but it's really, I think, very important to learn the difference between wanting and seeking. And I'm just using these words to try to convey to you the difference between wanting happiness and seeking happiness. Because seeking happiness is what makes us unhappy. Wanting happiness is natural. But then when the wanting goes into seeking, it backfires. For me to want to be happy is fine. For me to start getting involved in making myself happy backfires. For me to want to be happy is fine and natural.

[32:17]

Then what follows from that is not to try to do something to get myself to be happy, but rather to let go of my desire. Then I'll be happy. That's called, okay? Jesus has got happiness for you. But if you go over there like, give me the happiness, you're not going to get it. But if you stand up there and say, here's a happy boy who wants to be happy, then you get happiness. You stand upright. Nothing will be withheld from you. Of course, by definition. Nothing's withheld from you. You've got it right now. You're not trying to get anything. But of course you want to be happy. Again, that's a natural secretion. And even seeking is a natural secretion, but seeking makes you unhappy. It's subtle.

[33:21]

It's like the difference between this and this. Not that big a difference. And this. It's like being balanced and then lots of ways to be a little off. And they're not all that different. But they're different. They're different. They're different. There's nothing much to this. It's just where I am. This is where I'm going. [...] All these are like someplace else. This is just here. I understand it better, I think. Good. It's hard, but yeah. Yeah, great. It's hard to hold on to a better understanding? Yeah. One of the key things about this better understanding is don't hold on to anything.

[34:24]

It gets stale really fast. Is that without seeking, you know, I guess I'm confused between something motivating you to take proper skillful action. And thinking about that is seeking. In other words, I do seek to be a better person. So I make decisions about my practice as an intent. What I'm going to do in the future will help me along the path. Is your motivation to be a better person, is that your motivation? I don't want to try to talk you out of being, if you wish to be a better person, I do not want to try to talk you out of that.

[35:33]

In the Mahayanas, we're not so much into getting people to be better people. It doesn't say, sentient beings are number, I vow to make them better people. It says, I vow to save them from their desire to be better people. I don't think you're going to really get much better than you are. But you can become a lot more free. And you can become a lot more skillful. But becoming more skillful, somebody may say you're a better person, but you thinking that you're a better person does not facilitate your skillfulness. Do you want to become more skillful or do you want to be like a better person? Do I want to become more skillful or do I want to be like me be better? Me better. So I want, and I really don't want other people to be better.

[36:51]

I want other people to be more realized. That's what I want. I want people to understand themselves because then they'll be happy. But if you make people better and better, that might backfire because they might get better and better and be less and less light, be more and more uptight the better they get because they say, I'm getting better and better. I better not lose this. So like, Would you, you know, somebody's just gotten quite a bit better, would you be willing to look to see who you are? Well, I don't know about that because I might lose track of being better. So there is a dangerous side of getting better. More skillful equals better. Yeah, more skillful isn't you. You know, if you do something kind, that isn't you, that's a kind thing.

[37:57]

Do you want to be Mr. Kind or do you want to do kind things? I'm Mr. Kind. Or do you want to like, when somebody comes up to you, you do the kind thing. Like that monk at the edge of the water, it wasn't like Mr. Kind, he just like Mr. Carrier across the water. That was it. It wasn't like, I'm Carrier across the water, I'm Carrier across the valley. I'm going to be his enemy pretty soon. No, he wasn't a better person. He just did a good, cool thing. And then he forgot about it. And then he did another cool thing when that guy criticized him. Came back with a cool response. But he wasn't like a better person. The other guy was like a better person. He was like, I'm better than you. You broke a rule. [...] He was a good one. He didn't carry her. He was a good person. Better person. He was, like, pretty good when he got there, and then he got better for not carrying a cross.

[39:02]

The other guy didn't get better by carrying a cross. He just carried a cross. That's it. He did a good thing. So, you see, again, you got to watch, like, me getting better or me giving my life to compassion. Me getting better doesn't usually help me become more compassionate. It's kind of a distraction. It's not unfortunate, it's actually quite helpful. Makes a good story. Because you surfaced how language can trip us up. Because you basically want to become skillful. and do skillful things, and then it gets turned in a way that distracts you from the actual thing you want to do, what you really want to do, because of language. So language is really, it's how we get in trouble and it's how we get out of trouble.

[40:07]

Yes? Well, I was just on the tail of that, thinking that one way to say this might be that freedom or liberation releases goodness. Like the monk carrying the cross, he was free enough to not worry about the world and therefore this good thing followed. That's part of Buddhist theory is that when you're free, you do good things. Because free means you're in accord with the situation. When you're in accord with the situation, that produces benefit for the beings in the situation. Freedom means you're listening to people. You're not listening to them. That means you're, you know, part of you is like stuck. Another important thing I want to mention before I go is that when I talk about paying attention to the nature of mind, when a sense organ is at rest, it's receptive.

[41:15]

When your ear is not working, it can hear something. When your mind's not working, you can know something. So when the mind's just open, it can know things. So part of what calms us is to just pay attention to how the mind's open, not how it's engaged. but how it's just open and it's receiving, or it's relaxed. When the sense organs are relaxed, they can function. When the mind's relaxed, it can know. So you focus on this relaxed quality of the mind and the senses. And that kind of attention calms you. There's other aspects of our mind which are very important. I'm just talking about the calming gesture. The calming gesture is pay attention to how the mind doesn't run around which is also like, pay attention now, the ears don't run around. The eyes don't run around, they just open.

[42:19]

The skin doesn't run around, it just receives. The mind doesn't run around. So when you focus on how the mind just receives, [...] it's always basically you're focusing on this non-involvement, non-reaching, non-running around. It's another way of talking about it. I was thinking it would be nice to say the heart mind there, because the heart mind not only doesn't know, but it's free to love. And I was also thinking this morning I had a conversation with you where I said I was having difficulty making decisions. And I thought if I stopped seeking, then it wouldn't matter to me the decision that was made. And you've said, if I heard it correctly, that it would still matter, that you would still want to do good, and that your decisions would still have meaning to you.

[43:21]

So I guess, for us, since you agree, it would be... that I would still want, but I wouldn't seek. So if there was no seeking, then I wouldn't, as I said, feed your sleep, try to grab after things, but I would still want a certain thing which would give the meaning. And then lastly, I was seeking the story of a student at Tussauds Heart who wanted to leave Tussauds Heart, and I think it was with you, You wouldn't let the student leave until he was fine and stank. And then if he was fine and stank, he could get a lot more relief. Maybe that was kind of... So did you hear what he said originally about if you're relaxed in the situation, One way to see when you're relaxed, you might think it doesn't matter what you do.

[44:28]

That's one way to put it. I don't agree with that way of putting it. But it's close to say when you're relaxed in a situation, whatever you do will be right. Because you're in accord with all the ingredients. Because you're relaxed, you're taking in all the information. So you're guided by all the intelligence of the situation. So you do the right thing. You say the right prayer. So that's almost, it could be said, it doesn't matter what you do, because, in other words, whatever you do will be right. So in that sense, you say it doesn't matter what you do. But when you do that thing, it does matter that you did that, because that's like what you really wanted to do. It has great meaning for you that this right action occurred. So it's a tricky thing to say it doesn't matter. It's more like, because you can see how you could almost say, well, it doesn't matter what you do. It's more like, we don't know what you will do, but it will be right, and it will be meaningful that you did that.

[45:33]

But it won't be that you were judging what is the right thing to do, because that partly hinders you getting information. That partly takes you away from the center where you're getting all the support by which the right decision, the right response will arise. And that's a subtle point there that sometimes people get into, what does it matter? Because you don't have to figure anything out. So in spontaneity, what you do spontaneously does matter. Yes? The Roshi who killed the cat and cut him in half, he was acting, he was like, as you're saying, gathering his intelligence from his sangha. made out that they were impotent, essentially. He cuts his cat in half. And that's a tough one, because it's a tough act.

[46:39]

He took a risk that not many of them may understand what he was. He took a risk, yep. He took a risk. His risk was, maybe his risk was that he risked actually standing at the place where all the conditions were coming together. And maybe he was like showing the people the consequences of what they were doing. They actually were killing the cat. They were killing the cat anyway? Yeah, that he was like the lightning rod for their rigidity and their lack of love for each other. Yes, and the cat and the lack of love for the cat. Huh? Lack of love for the cat. That's right. Lack of respect for the cat. They weren't looking again at the cat. They were arguing with each other. They didn't understand the cat. And the consequences of all that was the cat got killed and he, the Zen master, took the rap. Took the rap for killing it. Because he took the rap also for all the monks' lack of compassion.

[47:42]

And so people can't believe it. How could a Zen teacher kill a cat? because he couldn't help it, because his monks were not loving. And a lot of people say, he didn't really kill the cat. It's just a metaphor. But another version of it is that maybe if the teacher went to Israel, the teacher might stand in the middle of Israel and kill a cat. But tell people beforehand, maybe, If you people will make peace with each other, this cat will live. Or even it might kill a baby. Who knows? It wasn't a baby, it was a cat, but it's an amazing thing that it could happen that way. It's similar to Solomon, except that Solomon, and in this case, in that case, one of the people relaxed.

[48:47]

One of the people let go, so it was her letting go, so he could be the lightning rod for that, and give her the baby. But in the Zen story, the Zen monks weren't as good as that woman. There wasn't a mother. in the crowd, to come forward and say, you guys can have the cat. You guys shut up. You guys can have the cat. They were paralyzed in anger or whatever, in fear. And so that leads to death. And the great Zen master goes down in history for this horrible thing to make that testimony to the world that even in Zen monasteries, there's the Palestinians and the Israelis. And they didn't kill each other, but the cat got killed. It's a lesser version of the same story. And so we have plenty of cats killed.

[49:53]

But again, even if a great teacher went to Israel, they might not be able to do anything for a while. But maybe after that cat was killed, we don't know what happened to those monks. But maybe that was the last time there was an argument in Zen monasteries about cats. I don't know. We have a lot of cats at Tassajara. I was going to say that kind of also supports what you were saying earlier about being relaxed with the precepts. Because they're not feeling. I would say that he was relaxed with the precepts enough to do this, to wake them up, help them along. Would you like to say anything?

[50:59]

John? Would I like to say anything? John? As long as I've got too much to say. The most important thing that I'm going to take back with me is this idea of relaxation. And as per my conversation with you, I think that was the nail that I was trying to hit on the head. I just couldn't get it out. It's never so much being able to just stand up and say the right thing. Because that is a cool thing to be able to do. But I think many of us come from traditions at some point where it's not just saying the right thing. You're taught what that right thing is. And you're expected to know that. Like you say about the teacher who hits the student. Well, I can think back to my own upbringing to Catholic priests where if you made a mistake, they would yell at you at church.

[52:01]

know all of a sudden you were like everybody just heard that and everybody just saw that so there was one it's this clinging there's one right way there's no playfulness about it there's no you can't relax with that you're always on your toes about where you what you've got to do where you've got to go if you're going to get there and at some point i'll lose its meaning And people just stand around and they do it. They're saying the right things. They're doing the right things by this definition. They just don't know what they're doing. They don't know what they're saying. So I think that's what brought me here. Right. So we hope that someday you'll go back to the church, stand up there, say whatever you say, and if they yell at you, that you'll stay relaxed. And you'll yell back at them in Chinese. Or maybe, Mizan Monk. Anything you'd like to say, Mark?

[53:11]

Thanks for coming. You're welcome. Is Neil's wife named Bev? Bev. Bev. Bev? Yes? Is there anything you'd like to say? Well, I just have a lot of food for thought leading to my breakfast. Oh, great. And the lady who came today, who was here last year, I forgot your name. Deborah. Deborah. Is there anything you'd like to say before? I haven't asked a question since I was attending your retreat. I have a list of things. You have things happening? Other things happening. I'm glad I came today. We enjoyed what we just heard and discussed it. Okay. Shep?

[54:13]

Shep? It's been fun. It's been fun? Oh, good. Angus, any parting prayers? Stand up and say. I've been thinking about getting back to my daughter. How old is she? 13 months. 13 months. I'm happy for you. You'll be able to see your little girl soon. I was going to say jealous, but I'm not.

[55:16]

Maybe a little bit. Maybe a little bit. Barger, anything you'd like to say before we... Move downstairs again? Upstairs? I've been wanting to say something to follow up on John's observation. That right way, that just one response. You gave us a wonderful demonstration just now when you stood up and offered about a dozen different things that anybody might have said, playfully, in the cat situation. And that's... That was a lovely demonstration.

[56:23]

To be free and to be playful. June? Anything? I think also from my Dharma buddies here who every year take me on a trip with them, the different ways that I've been reconnecting with the world. Seeing all they do as well, that's important. That's for keeping, you know, I know it's a big project here. I wish you could work more of it, but I'm so glad it's . I would just like to say thank you for being so active. because we often come to the retreats and it's really great.

[57:30]

And it's nice to make our gay proposes together and it's nice to have that common sense and let's all change together. I love this. I'm so happy to see us, which you always are. That's great. Margaret? I'll dance a little more. Next time we do TV, maybe we'll just shout for the person in front of us. Patricia? Patricia? Oh, I really have enjoyed this, just like I did last year.

[58:31]

I really, I enjoy coming to this sangha very much. Thank you. Dennis? I'm going to work very hard at being playful so I can be a better person. Mark's remarks kind of helped me too. It really made me realize just how hard I've worked all my life to be a better person. Yep. I guess I'm always reminded when we get together for session, how powerful there is a community.

[59:32]

It's one thing to practice alone, I guess. There's a synergy about coming together and practicing is great. I'll take that in hand with me. Don? I keep wondering who speaks for the cat. Yeah. When we talked about this koan, just as we were talking to him as you talked about it, I said the cat didn't have to talk. The cat was the bulak. We always sacrifice the Buddha when we divide ourselves from each other, and when we close ourselves from each other.

[60:35]

We kill the cat that we tie. And that's why nobody speaks for the cat, because the cat is who we kill. And we never talk about who we kill. We never speak for who we kill. We kill. So I'm glad you brought up that. I see how I twisted my car, what a dandy. It was deeply, deeply satisfying to be the organizer of this retreat. It was a teaching experience in many ways. And it was wonderful to serve you, who were the same people that I'm suffering without a cushion.

[61:40]

Katherine? I'm just not happy to be back here with you. I'm happy to be here with you, dear, with all of you. And I'm sorry I'll miss college class, but I'm glad I get to stay a few more days. B? Correct. I've been thinking of this line from the Jewel Mirror Samadhi, which responds to the inquiring impulse. And I've seen that a little more deeply. It not only responds to the inquiring impulse, but to a playful impulse, to a compassionate impulse. It just responds to all these impulses that are out there. And I think we've had some greatness floating around here. There's been a lot of response. Literally it says, it responds to the arrival of energy.

[62:44]

or the word ki, knocking my name, zanki, it means energy or opportunity. So whenever you offer anything, it meets you. The it is anything? The it is the Buddha, is wisdom and compassion. That's the mirror. You look in the mirror, you touch the mirror, you talk to the mirror, it talks about it. It talks, actually, it also says inquire and response come up together. It's right there. Whenever you offer anything, you get a response right at that time. What? But you know what I'm going to say. Do you? Can I give you a hug?

[63:47]

I love you. I wanted to be that student so we can hug them in public. She said, hug them, hug them. Thanks, Captain. Tim? I think the thing that strikes me is we sit and we're all silent and in some sense you really don't know where anyone is in the room and maybe the two people next to you.

[64:53]

It just seems so unlikely that you would just love people so much in that situation and yet that's what happens. For me, it just surprises me. You like that dance. I kind of like that dance. But Zen's not for everybody. Some people like a different way of making love. Amy? I just feel like this is still a hard part to me. In our practice, our practice is not to make eye contact. So it just feels very natural to make eye contact. It's hard work. Did I miss anyone?

[66:05]

There was a great Chinese man who lived one time and he made a mistake, a kind of etiquette mistake with the emperor and was sentenced to have his head cut off. When he was about to have his head cut off, he said to the executioner, if you use a real sharp blade on me, I'll tell you, I'll give you an excellent recipe. And the executioner said, okay, what is it? And he said, He said, father beans are really good with peanut sauce.

[67:35]

And the executioner said, what? His hip was cut and rolled down the street. Out of his mouth came a little piece of paper which said, thank you, that was a sharp sword. May your samadhi join all other samadhis for the welfare of this world. Thank you very much. Pee-pee.

[68:44]

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