I vow to take security for the balance of my life's work. Good evening. Well, last night, We were supposed to have a discussion with the students, but I ended up giving a lecture. Maybe I was too impatient. Maybe I didn't give you enough opportunity to come up with something. And tonight, I was supposed to give a lecture, but maybe we can have some discussion I've been talking with people all day non-stop.

[01:06]

So I'm not sure that I have a lot to talk about, to present. But I think I'm still capable of responding. But I want to... I do have something that I want to talk about. A few days ago, somebody sent me an anonymous letter from Tassajara. And in this anonymous letter, they sent me this cartoon from the New Yorker by Steig. And I know you can't see it. Maybe you can, but I'll explain it to you. In this cartoon, there's a set of steps And the steps look like the steps up a pyramid.

[02:09]

If you've ever walked up a pyramid in Mexico, you know, the steps are very steep and narrow and a little scary, actually. These steps have spikes sticking out of them, both on the top and the edge. And at the top of the steps is a star in the sky. And at the bottom of the steps is this gentleman dressed up in a, it looks like either a tuxedo or a toreador's coat. And he has a scarf and he's looking, he's very determinedly looking up at the star. And the caption underneath says, the self is something to be improved.

[03:11]

So when I got this, I thought, what's the message here? Why am I receiving this? So, I'm still thinking about this and I'm presenting this to you to help me think about it. Is this just a dream? Is it the dream of self-improvement? Where does self-improvement lead to? The stairs seem to go all the way up.

[04:26]

They seem to go someplace. But they look very dangerous. In Zen, we say, thorns in the mud. When the koans come to it, in the koan study, the koan comes to a dangerous place or what looks like a uh... deceptively easy entry uh... the commentary says thorns in the mud looks like nice smooth stuff you could just put your foot in and have the mud ooze through your toes but underneath something very sharp and dangerous lurks. So, sometimes we come to, usually, actually, when we come to a practice of some kind or another, we're looking for something.

[05:44]

And in our human endeavor, our worldly endeavor, we want to make something of ourselves, to create something, to go beyond our limitation. So we have various self-improvement devices and schemes. If I lift weights, my muscles will get strong, and then I'll have a great physique, and I can show you how beautiful I am. But there are many ways to improve ourselves in a worldly way.

[06:56]

And we easily fall into the realm of competition and values, worldly values. If I improve myself, I'll be better than I am now. The more we think in this way, if I improve myself, I will be better than I am now, the more we fall into the realm of competition and comparison in Zen parlance. We say long bamboo is long and short bamboo is short.

[08:01]

Long bamboo is long and short bamboo is short implies everything as it is is just as it is. Everything has an expression of Buddha nature is just that. Improvement is a kind of value judgment that we put on our life. So usually the most difficult thing for us is to accept ourselves as we are. I remember Suzuki Roshi used to talk to us and he would say, the strong are strong and the weak are weak.

[09:14]

And the strong will always be strong and the weak will always be weak. And everybody thought, you mean that's the end of the line? Where's our hope? Where's my hope for improving myself? If I'm weak, I want to be strong. So Suzuki Roshi was talking to us from the realm of absolute value, not comparative value. In the realm of absolute value, everything is worth exactly what it is. Nothing.

[10:20]

And because everything is worth absolutely nothing, There's no need to worry. But because we compare ourselves, we set up a situation where we start worrying. Each one of us is an expression of the light force of the universe. we tend to think of ourself as separate from it. Not separate, but when we say, when we talk about our life, we say, I live life.

[11:24]

But I live life is just from the point of view of comparative value. The other side is life lives this person. Life lives and is expressed as this person, which has absolute value as an expression of the totality of life, just as it is. So if we know how to appreciate our life as life itself, we don't have to worry so much whether we're a tall bamboo or a short bamboo, or a strong person or a weak person. But just to be open enough to let life express itself as this form,

[12:38]

is maybe how we actually find ourselves, how we accept our shortcomings and our faults as just expressions of ourselves without being worried too much. We expect a lot from ourselves and we expect a lot from those around us, which is okay. But, you know, we say our children are an extension of ourselves but actually our children are just who they are and they're also an extension of ourselves but mostly they are who they are and to be able to let everybody be who they are

[14:15]

is to see them and ourselves as the face of reality. Suzuki Goshi used to say, just accept yourself as you are and there's still some room for improvement. There's always room for improvement. So we have to include Improvement. Improvement is necessary. Some people would say, some very strict person would say, no need for improvement. So maybe first to just be ourself completely. And yes, we have something to work on. If we see ourself completely, we'll know what it is that we have to work on for improvement.

[15:28]

But a little improvement. I remember when we used to talk about zazen, people would want to, in their enthusiasm, they would want to worked very hard to reach a state of enlightenment. And he would say, oh, a little bit of improvement is very good. Just a little bit of improvement. Very big step. Don't work so hard to try and find some Make yourself into something. Just put your effort into being yourself, being who you are.

[16:32]

Right now, each person is good and bad, without exception. Each person has a good side and bad side. And no matter how hard we work, this will always be so. So when we can really accept ourself with all of our warts, just as we are, then we can accept everyone just as they are. This is maybe you could call compassion, great compassion. And life improves itself by itself.

[17:34]

And sometimes we can help that process. I want to read you a poem by Kosho Uchiyama Roshi. This poem is entitled, Clouds, a poem of life. Clouds suddenly appear out of the whole universe. and disappear into the whole universe, floating absentmindedly with a smile. Some flow peacefully and quietly. Others evolve violently and laugh darkly, inviting thunder and roar. Spring clouds moisten the earth.

[18:42]

Monsoon clouds sweep with long rain. Snow clouds remorse in winter's deep silence. Typhoons filled with hatred run wild. Clouds swirl and storm below as if trying to kill all beings, and sometimes the clouds all disappear, leaving only the deep blue sky that presents no obstacles. Clouds suddenly appear out of the whole universe and disappear into the whole universe. These clouds, the original form of all living beings, the whole universe is nothing but life. I find that the more I settle with myself as I am, that I can enjoy each person, especially when each person that I meet is themselves and very open, openly.

[20:09]

When you are openly yourself, just who you are. And more and more I find myself enjoying everybody just as I meet and talk with everybody. I really enjoy my short stay here immensely. Even though I've been very busy, it's been a little bit like a whirlwind tour for me. But I find it very difficult to stop because I'm enjoying so much just being with each person. And I find, what is my practice? And what am I doing here with you?

[21:13]

And I think that the only thing that I can really do is encourage you to be yourself. That makes me very happy. And sometimes when I hear your problems and troubles, I sometimes find it amusing and serious. It's vital and very interesting. Now, our life has two aspects, our practice, and our practice has two aspects.

[22:54]

One, two sides. One side is the aspiration side. The side which has a vision and a goal and a picture, a story. And the other side is our actual life, which is right here, right now, in this moment. And this life which we have right here, right now, in this moment, is our actual life, the who that we are. But the other side is the side that is created in our mind. creates a picture and a story in our mind about how we would like to be and how we would like our life to look and how we should go about doing that.

[24:02]

So this ideal or mental life is a life of aspiration and keeps us moving in a certain direction. And we get asked this question when we're kids, what do you want to be when you grow up? And so we think of something. Sometimes I say, I don't know. When I was a kid, I always knew that I wanted to be something. I always had something in mind. I wanted to be an artist. I wanted to be a soldier. I never thought I would be a priest.

[25:06]

But then, one day, I remember one day when I was about 15, I was walking across a parking lot And I had this feeling. The feeling was, although I have this mental life going on, which is how I thought of my life, there was something underneath that that was my real life. And it was like, my real life was the life that was very close to my heart and this other life was in my head as a kind of, you know, confused vision of what life was about and I realized at that moment that my real life was the life that I really felt right about

[26:17]

So, I think my life has been kind of led by those two factors. One is this ideal of trying to figure out life, figure out what to do. And the other is the real life that's happening all the time, right now, that really doesn't have much to do with that. So the result has been that I really paid attention to what I felt was the life that felt right to my heart. But it was a kind of struggle. And I think that

[27:22]

That life that we look for as the life of our heart is what we think of as the real me, which is completely accepting ourself just as we are. beyond any kind of ideal or purpose in life. This is a life of practice. is to finally come home to myself.

[28:25]

So, when the ideal life in the real life come together, and there's no difference between the two, then maybe we can say we've found ourselves. So, in this cartoon, I'm standing on the bottom step. We're standing on the bottom step. looking at the star, but maybe the star is a reflection in the sky of our own eye. There's a koan in the Book of Serenity about the donkey looking in the well.

[29:53]

But the well is also looking at the donkey. So each step of our life is the place we want to be. Master Rinzai says, I control the whole universe.

[31:08]

I control the world. And he says, how do you control the world? And he says, everything is exactly the way I want it to be. Do you have any questions? Something you'd like to discuss? Last night you mentioned intuition. Can I get your idea of what intuition is? Well, intuition, the way I define the word intuition, is directly knowing.

[32:12]

Without the filter or the medium of, say, thinking. So, it's like you just know something, and then you express it through words or thoughts. But first comes the understanding, rather than the idea. First comes the direct intuition or directly touching. And then comes the expression. That's what I mean by intuition. Directly knowing. How much does that play a part in our practice?

[33:14]

A lot. You know, when you depend on thinking mind or conceptual mind, then if you depend on conceptual thinking exclusively, then you block the possibility of your intuition. So, When we talk about consciousness, there are various levels of consciousness. There's a level of consciousness which just sees before conceptualizing. And if our mind is... if our conceptual thinking is put into play too quickly, then we don't really have an opportunity to see clearly what's in front of us, because we're creating a name and a form, and creating the form to fit our idea, to fit our conceptual idea.

[34:44]

So to see something as it really is, we have the opportunity to just see it. So we say, seeing sees, hearing hears, touching feels, rather than I see, I hear, I feel, I smell. As soon as you say I, you've created a conceptual person. who sees, hears, feels, and smells, and thinks. So, intuitively, we have the opportunity to just have direct perception, and then consciousness comes into play, another level of consciousness comes into play and constructs this into a vision or something heard.

[35:57]

When you hear an airplane and you just let the sound be the sound, let hearing hear before you say, that's an airplane, then it's just what it is. So if you just let the sound be what it is without giving it a name then there's just the direct hearing of this sound. It's okay to say this is an airplane And then we think about what is an airplane and where is it going and why is it there and so forth. And these are various levels of consciousness which continue to create a conception and which removes us further and further from just direct perception.

[37:02]

So to just directly perceive the world before thinking, before creating a conception of it, is to have direct experience. And direct experience can come through our senses and it can also come through a deeper place beneath the sense consciousnesses. So, through intuition, we can experience our whole self. Because as soon as we start to conceptualize, we start to compartmentalize, we start to divide. So, as soon as we start to conceptualize, we start to discriminate.

[38:07]

And discriminate means to divide. intuition in the sense of just seeing needs to see, to experience our world in a whole sense. So this is the experience of zazen. We say in zazen, you know, cut off the thinking mind. That's a little extreme. What that means is No need to conceptualize what hearing hears, what seeing sees, what smelling smells. No need to conceptualize. Just let it be. Just let hearing hear. Just let seeing see. Without the intermediary of a conceptual idea.

[39:10]

But then when we operate in the world, we need to discriminate. But our discrimination is based on non-discrimination, a non-discriminating mind. So that if we have some realization, even though our mind is discriminating, it's discriminating on the basis of wholeness. Even though we divide the world with consciousness, we know that it's still one piece. It's like this place here at Pasahara is just a vacant lot. But it has a sendo, and a kitchen, and cabins, which divided up into little pieces. But it's still a vacant lot.

[40:19]

But we don't see it as a vacant lot. It's completely empty. But at the same time, it has buildings, people, activities. And we live our lives going through these channels and compartments. But even so, it doesn't eliminate the fact that it's one big piece of bacon lot. So, before discriminating, before cutting up, this vacant lot into little parcels, it's one piece. But if we only see it as a place where there are buildings and compartments and pathways, then our mind is caught by discrimination.

[41:31]

And intuition is not operating. so well. It operates, but it doesn't operate so freely. So when we sit zazen, we stop. Not stop, but we don't encourage the discriminating process. The discriminating process still goes on. And even though the discriminating process still goes on, It's a weak discriminating process. So the intuition is very dominant. Does that answer your question? Could you describe somewhat what it's like to be discriminating with a non-discriminating mind?

[42:53]

Splash that out a little bit. Yeah. Discriminating with a non-discriminating mind. I just explained it, but I'll explain it again in a different way. Yeah, it's like we're friends but you do something and I get angry at you and then I start calling you names and then you start getting defensive and then you get further and further away from me and I get further and further away from you and it looks like we're separated and that's discriminating, right? But still We're just two sides of the same person. You have to understand that we're still two sides of the same relationship. And if we realize that we're still two sides of the same relationship, we know that we have to reconcile this so we don't run away.

[44:10]

Because if we run away and it's unreconciled, then we live with that pain of discrimination. So until we're brought together again, we have to endure that painfulness. So the fact that we know that we can't run away, is due to our non-discriminating mind. Because we know that we're one piece, even though we're separate. But we're really one person, even though we're two people. Because when we create that relationship, we both have a stake in it.

[45:24]

What's the stake? Well, originally, we're undivided. That's the non-discriminating part, is that we're, even though we're two, we're one person. We're two people, we're one person expressed as two people. All of us are one person expressed as innumerable people. I can't explain it. It's just to realize that we're all the many faces of one person.

[46:45]

Tatsagami Roshi used to say, at Tassajara, we're all one monk. But you're you and I'm me. And you feel what you feel and I feel what I feel. That's discrimination. So maybe if we can appreciate our own position, just as we are, we can appreciate each other and practice with each other with problems.

[48:22]

But whether problems are solved or not, we can appreciate the fact that they're not solved, we can appreciate the fact that we have problems with each other. It's kind of neat. There are people that I've had problems with for years and years. But after a while, there's something about that that binds us together. So maybe a good problem is can be a valuable, precious thing. I remember, I don't want to quote my old teacher too much, but it just brings to mind that the problem you have today is the problem you always have.

[49:29]

I'm sorry. You don't say, oh, no. So this has been my, my training is dealing with this. I still practice with my old teacher's stick. You say that each one of us is as many phases of

[50:37]

No. You know, each one of us is an expression of Buddha nature. Buddha nature. Do you know what I mean? Buddha nature? No? Buddha nature? You know, this is nature, true nature of each person is called, we call Buddha nature. Each one of us is an expression of Buddha nature. Like apples on a tree. Apples are the expression of apple tree. Many apples in one are the expression.

[51:44]

They all look alike, but each one is different. And so apple tree expresses itself as apples. So these apples that we are come from the same tree and formed from the same stuff. And we recognize each other. If we allow ourselves to, we can recognize each other from

[52:46]

very ancient times, in a very primal way. So sometimes when we see each other, I remember you, a long time ago. But I can't explain it either. But a long time ago, yes, I don't know.

[53:29]

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