I vow to taste the truth of the Tathāgata's words. Good evening. I'm actually relieved to see that this is a rather small and intimate group tonight. Transitions are rather unsettling and I'm in the midst of a couple of transitions right now. The main one is I'm due to go to Tassajara momentarily. And so I have, I find myself trying to do all of the things that I normally would do here in the city. Sewing classes, staff meeting, practice committee meeting, office and director's meeting and office and director's retreat, following the Sāsen schedule and etc.

[01:04]

And more sewing classes because there are people who really want to get their rākāsū done before I leave and don't know if Alexandra is going to continue teaching before the practice period begins so maybe they won't get to sew again until February. And couldn't we just have one more class Saturday? And of course I want to do it and I notice that my wanting to do all of these things actually is greed. It's an expression of greed, I want to do it all. And those of you who know me well know that I have this well-deserved reputation of being busy all the time. Everyone thinks of me as very busy and I see that this busyness really is a function of greed, of wanting to do it all, of wanting to not miss anything.

[02:06]

And it just struck me last night in sewing class that that's really what it is. And then on the other hand I'm trying to finish preparing a study book for the Tassajara practice period class and pack for Tassajara and be sure that I take everything that I need and maybe some fabric in case somebody down there wants to sew a rākāsū and sewing materials and so forth. And so, you know, I'm reminded of the story which because I was busy getting the study book ready I didn't get to go and look it up and now I'm at this moment not being able to recall the names, though Michael will probably help me, of the two monks, one of whom was sweeping and his brother monk came along and said,

[03:10]

too busy. And he said, you should know that there's one who's not busy. And his brother said, oh, so there are two moons? And he held up the broom and said, which moon is this? Who are we talking about, Michael? You don't remember either, oh dear. Anyhow, there is, you know, I can see that there's one who's not busy because I'm kind of watching myself in amusement scurrying about like this and just saying, well, just look at you. And a line, you know, we've been studying Xin Xin Ming and there, of course, is something in there for every occasion and there's something in there for this occasion too. A particular verse came to my mind.

[04:15]

Let's see if I can't find it. All right. The great way is vast, neither easy nor difficult. But those whose limited views are irresolute, the more in haste, the tardier they go. And Mel has made the note alongside this. They want to get something and go. Gaining idea. And this is exactly what occurred to me, this gaining idea and being able and wanting to busily try to accomplish all of the things that I can think of to accomplish on this list of preparations for this or that. And, you know, the next line is

[05:18]

clinging cannot be kept within balance. If we let this kind of greed get hold of us, there's no end to it. There is no end to it. I can, you know, however many things I can put on my list that I want to get done, if I take a few more minutes, I can put another ten things on the list. There is no end to the possible things to do to keep me busy. And at some point, we just have to let go and do what's in front of us and not get caught by all of these ideas of what has to get done. Not get caught up in this haste and busyness of gotta get it done, gotta get it done, gotta get it done. And just stop and breathe.

[06:22]

And then just see what's the next thing. And not be so attached to what, you know, what am I not going to get done, or what will happen if I don't do it. You know, if I don't get these Rakshasus finished, Alexandra and Cynthia and Marcia and Vicky are all here to help people get their Rakshasus finished. And it will all happen. If I don't get this study book all typed up and printed and ready to go, there are others who have offered to help get it done,

[07:34]

and it will happen. If I don't get to go to all of the meetings that I am supposed to go to, if I don't get over to get herbs and vitamins and blah-de-blah, it will be all right. But transitions are a little unsettling for everyone. And as much as I'm looking forward to going to Tassajara for the practice period, I love to do a practice period at Tassajara, there is that side of me that says, oh, but I'm leaving behind all of this wonderful stuff that's going on in the city.

[08:40]

I'm going to miss the practice period in the city. And I'm going to miss Norma's class in the city. This gaining idea of doing it all is a very big practice arena for me. And perhaps none of you fall into this kind of trap. Maybe I'm the only one who does this, but I suspect there may be one or two of you who find yourself in this kind of busyness from time to time. As with anything else,

[09:44]

the most useful way I know to practice with it is just to notice it when it's happening and stop and take a breath. And just see how grasping your mind is and see if you can loosen up a little bit. Another note that Mel has made in his notebook is the Zen student needs to let go of all views and past experiences when he is entering Zazen. The more we want to get something, the further behind we fall. And, of course, this whole realm of practicing with gaining idea

[11:03]

we talk about over and over again, that there's nothing to get. But we do entertain the notion that there's something to get that we don't have, that we need to acquire. And we go to great effort to enter Sesshin or to enter practice period or to move into a practice place or to practice as a resident and get to sit Zazen every day with others who are practicing. Or to come... We have with us tonight two people who have come from France to go to Tassajara for practice period and gone to great effort to get here. We have people who have left their home

[12:05]

and moved to San Francisco in order to be able to practice with a Sangha. So there is that side of making big effort to put ourselves in a situation to practice and yet, you know, of course then we have some notion that there's some benefit to be gained from all this effort. So it's kind of a conundrum for us. It's kind of a problem or a paradox for us. This whole realm of making effort with no gaining idea is such an interesting problem to explore

[13:07]

in practice. What does it mean to make continuous effort, wholehearted effort, when there's nothing to gain? How can we understand that? How can we sustain this kind of wholehearted effort? As Suzuki Roshi says, Zen is making your best effort on each moment forever. How can we sustain this wholehearted effort forever when we already have everything we need? This is our dilemma.

[14:19]

Can we appreciate our life just as it is? Can we appreciate ourself just as it is? Can we appreciate others just as it is? And still make our best effort on each moment to express this life, to engage with others, to manifest this completeness that we are just for the sake of being who we are, not for the sake of anything added. And when we see that we

[15:46]

appear to be entertaining, gaining idea, can we just notice that? Perhaps be amused with ourselves for getting caught again, and then and slow down and take a breath, and appreciate just this, and then continue making our best effort. But without that kind of extra harried, pressured gotta, gotta, gotta feeling that goes with gaining idea. But just appreciate the vitality of full exertion of our energy without that extra

[16:51]

irritation of thinking there's something we've got to do. When we're doing something just for the sake of doing it, there's a lot of joy in that. When we're doing something for the sake of the completion of it, it's, you know, the, the joy and appreciation is always postponed till later, till it's done,

[17:53]

till you've actually accomplished it. If you're just doing it for the sake of doing it, the joy is in the activity of every moment. And, you know, if the result doesn't turn out quite as you hoped, you never get the joy of completion. But if you're just enjoying what you're doing while you're doing it, then the result is not the joy of completion. The result is not the main thing. The activity itself becomes the main thing. The expression of your, your own energy is the main thing.

[18:54]

So for those of you who live and practice here regularly, I'm going to be leaving in a few days to go to Tassajara. I'll be coming back up here briefly around February, February 4th for a ceremony. And I hope that all of you will be very forthcoming in helping Michael and Vicky and Hekisan and the whole staff do all the necessary stuff that has to be done for this sort of medieval Japanese show that we're going to put on here.

[20:10]

I don't want to make light of it. It's an important event for the community and certainly is part of the unsettledness that I'm feeling because it is a big transition for me as well. But we'll be having some great guests here and I hope that everyone will enjoy and appreciate the guests who come. Hoitsu Roshi will be arriving about a week before the ceremony. So you'll have him around for a while and that should be fun. And various old friends of Zen Center will be here and various teachers

[21:13]

from around the country. It should be a lot of fun. But I recognize that it's also going to be a lot of work for all of you and I hope that you will be able to do it in some good spirit of supporting Michael and Vicky and Bishan and Paul and Lise and all of the people who are and Mary in all of the work that goes to making something like this happen. I have so much more to say tonight.

[22:27]

Is there anything that you would like to say tonight? Yes. Well, it's just this coming and going, you know. They will leave. Others will come. They'll come back. It's only when you notice how attached you get that you can have any way to practice with non-attachment, isn't it? I mean, when it doesn't come up as a disturbance in your mind, you don't have anything to practice with. It just gives you something juicy to practice with. You know, sadness when a friend is going to be gone for a while is pretty natural and that's okay. Just feel the sadness.

[23:31]

If you don't want to feel the sadness then it becomes a problem. But if you're willing to just feel the sadness then it will arise and pass away. And pretty soon they'll be back. Some of them. Some of them may stay for a while. This has been a problem for me often. I've lived here and at Green Gulch and at Tassajara and at Berkeley and every time it's time for me to move I have this terrible wrenching, oh my gosh, leaving all my friends. And then I get to the next place and I say, oh, here are all my friends too. Maybe it's a little harder if you're left behind and they go off and leave you. But there are also

[24:37]

many friends that you still have here. And there will be new people coming who will be looking for someone to befriend them and help them get, feel some acceptance and integration into the Sangha. So you're one of the people now who can welcome new people. There are a number of new people who will be coming for the practice period. And you're one of the people who can welcome them and make them feel that it's okay to be here. And write a postcard now and then. Tell them to write you a postcard now and then. Let you know how it's going down there. Bake them some cookies and send them down there. I don't know.

[25:40]

You'll think of something to maintain those friendships and to make new ones. But mainly I think I just feel, oh yes, these are my friends and it's sad. Yes. How do you find the balance between deciding that there's nothing to search for and trying to make your life more beautiful?

[26:40]

You know, aren't this, you know, because it seems to me, I mean I could have stayed in Sacramento for years longer and said, well there's nothing to be gained anywhere and it's all here. And yet, you know, being here, it's a great beauty. And yet, of course, now I'm moving here so I'm continually stuck with dissatisfaction. I want more. I always wanted to go back to sex. Well, there you have it, don't you? Right. You know, how, so what is our practice about? It's actually about appreciate,

[27:43]

learning to appreciate the beauty of our life as it is. Where we are as it is. But sometimes we have to travel far and sit hard and long to learn to appreciate the beauty of our life as it is, right here. You know, I mean, these monks in China wear out straw sandals walking thousands of miles, you know. They walk up to Yun Min and he says, what's your problem? You know? And this is our, what's your problem? Why are we so dissatisfied? Why does this dissatisfaction come in? What is the problem? What's missing? There is something to be found

[28:44]

by sitting still and paying attention. And Tassajara happens to be a place where there's rather more opportunity than most places to sit still and pay attention. That's true. But, you know, theoretically you can do it anywhere. But we make a monastery to provide that opportunity, to sort of provide a lot of support for that opportunity. But when all is said and done, what we find is just ourself, which is always with us. So, you know,

[29:51]

Buddhism doesn't seem to have any problem with this sort of apparent contradiction, does it? In Western logic, it's very contradictory. this Seeing things as it is really is as it is, as it really is. It's not seeing something new and different that only exists here or there at Tassajara or somewhere else. It's just as it is right now. But sometimes we need a lot of help to cut through the habitual our mental habits

[30:52]

to be able to see things as it is. Yes? I'm not sure if all this even now in all the field is deep. There's an affinity between the old and the new. Well, the important thing to remember is that there's not something somewhere else that we're never you know, we're never separate.

[31:53]

Whatever this goal is that we think there is, we're never separate from it for a moment. This is the teaching of non-duality. We are not separate from anything. Everything is included right here. You know, what's it say in Hsinchu Ming when data rises simply affirm not to. We're not separate from the goal that we get the notion that the goal is something separate from us. But it's never separate from us. So, you know, it says something like all sages in all times and places understand this truth.

[32:56]

I love the kind of broad feeling of that line in Hsinchu Ming. I mean, it doesn't limit itself to Zen or to Buddhism or to any religious tradition. It says all sages in all times and places realize this truth of non-duality, of this not to. But if you set up some goal of arriving at at not to, you're making a to-ness out of it. You're making a self and this goal which is separating what is not inherently separate. But we do that. We do that.

[34:00]

And just when we find ourselves doing that, we just remind ourselves oh yes, not to. Is there anything more? No. Well, I think it was when mental disturbances arise we have some something really meaty to practice with. So we

[35:19]

one thing the way we practice with it is to sit still with it and pay attention to it and see that it arises and passes away. If we just sit still and pay attention to it we will notice it arising and passing away. If we grab onto it and begin to make a whole you know write a whole script about it we just kind of keep stirring it up and stirring it up and keep the disturbance going. But if we just sit still with it and watch it and see it and feel it it transforms of itself. So whatever disturbance arises

[36:20]

is an opportunity to practice with that and to see how that is so that you become more and more confident oh yes, if I just sit still with this it will not blow me away. So please all take care of yourselves and take care of each other and I'll see you again tomorrow.

[37:03]

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