Good morning. Morning, morning, morning. I woke up feeling rather poorly this morning. And... It's out of fuel. Oh, no. Can I get out of bed? I have to talk about the Dharma. I have to encourage everyone in their practice. And, uh... I really want to just go to bed and pull the covers over my head. And I'm... Normally, my general tendency when I'm feeling poorly is to kind of charge around and pretend it's not happening and maybe it'll go away.

[01:10]

It's a little bit like I talked about last week during Sashin. You know, I don't like to... I'm a Pollyanna and I tend to see the silver lining and I do not like to see clouds. And I do not like to look at them when I see them. I like to pretend that they're not there and pretty soon they'll go away and I don't have to do anything about it. And that's been my tendency for as long as I can remember. You may notice that Lou has a slightly different temperament. He says to me, well, a pessimist is somebody who has to live with an optimist. Well, today, you know, I've been A lot when I've been talking both from up here and when I talk to you one-to-one, I put a lot of emphasis on first you have to take care of yourself.

[02:36]

You know, I talk about that quite a lot. And so today I thought, well, all right, what does that mean, you know? So I decided what I needed to do during the work day was to take a hot bath and put hot compresses on my head. and then go lie down. Not in fetal position with the covers over my head, however, but to do lying down Sazen and turn the light inward to illuminate the self and see if I could find out what was going on with this rather intense headache that I had. At least turn my attention toward the headache with the intention to accept it fully and stop pushing it away. And so that's what I've been doing for the last hour or so.

[03:38]

It's not so different than what I have been intending to talk about Before this headache came up I wanted to talk some about this Acknowledgement of our ancient twisted karma that we do every month at the Bodhisattva ceremony and on other occasions for example at Receiving the precept ceremony. It's a purification of mind that we This chant that we do, all my ancient twisted karma, from beginningless greed, hate and delusion, born through body, speech and mind, I now fully avow. I now fully accept. Acknowledge, own, accept.

[04:50]

all my ancient twisted karma, all the actions of body, speech, and mind growing out of beginningless greed, hate, and delusion. I fully accept my humanity and the fact that I am subject to these roots of unskillful action, which we call greed, hate, and delusion. Greed turning toward and grasping hate, turning away from, aversion, pushing away, and delusion or confusion, which is sort of not knowing, just being, not knowing whether, which way to turn. Other routes of actions which generally turn out to be unskillful and generally turn out to have results which we don't like so much, or consequences which we don't like so much.

[06:04]

And I tend also to, if I turn the light inward and try to look at who I think I am, I can notice, you know, sort of two poles which might be who I think I am today, you know. One pole is to think of myself as Saint Joan, Saint Blanche in this case, you know. I'm entirely capable of thinking of myself as Saint Blanche. And the other one is to think of myself as Mara, you know, as leading you all into complete delusion that you're all Buddha and you have nothing to worry about and just forget all your troubles. And both of those ways of thinking about myself come up from time to time. And, you know,

[07:07]

the pole all of the very degrees in between those poles But what What is somehow difficult for us to do when we're practicing and trying to be bodhisattvas or getting some idea of ourself about saving the world or Studying the precepts and Trying to take care of our ethical behavior Or working on all of all of the Guidelines to practice that we find in the teachings of Buddhism Now however long I Really work seriously on understanding and trying to practice let's say the The six perfections of the bodhisattva way The perfection of generosity

[08:33]

or giving, dana, in Sanskrit. The perfection of ethical conduct, or shila in Sanskrit. The precepts. When we offer incense, there is this verse that says, shilako, or precepts, fragrance or precepts incense Samadhi incense liberation incense Illuminating the clouds of the Dharma world serving Innumerable buddhas in all directions Perfuming the seeing of the tranquil world You may think that I just can't make up my mind where to put the stick of incense in the morning when I'm holding it up there, but actually what I'm doing is saying this first.

[09:40]

So this shilako, samadhiko, mukatako, precepts incense, concentration incense, liberation in sense. These are called the three practices. The practice of precepts, the practice of samadhi or concentration, and the practice of awakening or liberation or prajna. As I was enumerating the six the six perfections of the bodhisattva Generosity ethical conduct Forbearance or patience Enthusiastic application Again concentration and wisdom

[10:53]

Or, I mean, there are all these lists, you know, of the various practices we can do. The four abodes of the great beings. The abode of loving kindness. The abode of sympathetic joy, or joy in the joy of others. The abode of compassion, or suffering with others. And the abode of equanimity. So we take up these practices and we practice them for years and we think somehow that this is all going to make us into some saintly being who is not subject to the human condition somehow, not going to be pushed around by our desires and angers and confusions.

[11:56]

But somehow we're going to escape from this human condition and not have to deal with all of those things that come along that are bothersome. But Of course, I've only been making this effort for about 20 years, but I haven't found that that's the case so far. And I begin to suspect that that is not the case. That we are human, and however long we practice, and however many real insights we have, However, clearly, we may see the nature of our life on some occasions. We still are going to be subject to our ancient twisted karma, and we're still going to fall into unskillful actions based on beginningless greed, hate, and delusion.

[13:14]

So we have to know that it's not so useful. You know, there really isn't any concept in Buddhism of guilt. It's not so useful to... judge ourselves and find ourselves guilty and then flagellate ourselves for unskillful actions. So Zuhiroshi once said something like, the result, you know, the consequence of an action may not be that anyone is going to punish you, it just may be that it'll make you feel bad. It isn't that there's some deus ex machina who's going to come down and swatch you with a stick. You may do some action that you recognize was unskillful and you may feel bad about it.

[14:19]

And that in itself is the consequence. But we do notice, I mean, what we do need to notice is that our actions do have consequences. And as we notice that more and more carefully, we will become more and more skillful in controlling those actions that produce... those unskillful actions that produce unpleasant consequences for ourselves and others. We may even notice an impulse to some action before we've acted on it and begin to say, begin to choose not to do it because we recognize that the consequences are not consequences that we want to live with.

[15:27]

And we do need to recognize that when we say born through body, speech, and mind, that we are talking about actions, not just physical actions, or not just verbal actions, but we're also talking about actions of mind, thoughts. And that having a... You know, when you look at the ten specific precepts, There are referred to their actions of body speech and mind their actions of no Not to kill which is a bodily action or not to steal which is a bodily action or not to Not to misuse sexuality sexuality which is a bodily action

[16:34]

Then there are other ones like not lying and not speaking of the faults of others and not praising self at the expense of others, which are actions of speech. But you can also think of that of not thinking of the faults of others, you know, and not Not praising yourself at the expense of others in your own mind. You don't have to say it out loud. Not harboring ill will is just an action of mind. Has no speech or bodily action connected with it. It's an action of mind. So, in practicing with ethical conduct, we need to attend to our thoughts and we just need to be clear, you know, observe, just carefully observe our life and see that actions have consequences.

[17:56]

Every action has consequences. When we're quite clearly convinced of that, we will become more skillful in our actions. If we think that we can take an action and not, you know, and not have the consequence of that action, then we are kidding ourselves. We're kidding ourselves and we're going to get in trouble over and over again until we notice that, in fact, you never avoid the consequences of an action and so you need to choose your actions carefully. But however long you practice with that, We are still human, and we are still going to do actions of body, speech, and mind, which are unskillful, and we're still going to suffer the consequences of them.

[18:59]

And that's why I want to... We have to sort of accept our humanity and the humanity of others, and have some compassionate feeling. for ourselves and others. That, in fact, we are subject to greed, hate, and delusion from time to time, and we do do actions that we deeply regret, and we need to acknowledge them. We need to own them and accept them, you know. accept our own behavior as the best that we can do in each moment. If we accept our behavior as the best that we can do in each moment, we can... we can maintain our enthusiastic effort

[20:13]

to do the best we can. But if we cannot accept ourselves, then we get caught up in guilt and self-blame that really undermines our effort. It takes the enthusiasm and energy out of our effort, and we just kind of beat up on ourselves. So when we notice that we have, in fact, done some unskillful action, and we're suffering the consequences of it, or even if we haven't suffered, well, the first thing, the first consequence of it is when we notice it and feel bad about it, you know.

[21:15]

There may be other consequences, other people who are involved may, you know, may notice it and also feel bad about it. But when we notice that we have done some unskillful action, we need to find a way to accept it, to acknowledge it, and to renew our intention to be more skillful in our actions. But to accept our humanity. When we can accept our humanity, we can also accept the humanity of others. And the fact that we are all quite capable of unskillful action. And that we're all making our best effort

[22:17]

If we can acknowledge that we're making our best effort, if we don't get caught up, there are two things, we can get caught up in thinking we're terrible and awful and guilty and sinful and bad, or we can get caught up on the other side of noticing what a tremendous effort we're making, think that we're saints and we're not capable of the actions that we see other people making, and so we can condemn them instead. So we can, we can, you know, get in the habit of condemning ourself or we can get in the habit of condemning others. Both of them are kind of off the mark, you know. Acknowledging that we are all human and that we do in fact, do unskillful actions, ourselves and others, we can also then acknowledge that we are making our best effort to act with skill and compassion and ethically.

[23:26]

And sometimes we're not... sometimes we fail. And if we notice that sometimes we fail, even though we're making our best effort, we can then have some generosity in our attitude toward others when we see that they fail and can recognize that they're also making their best effort. So this leads then to generosity and compassion. But we have to start with generosity and compassion for ourselves. It's often the hardest, the hardest place to apply these efforts is toward ourselves. We're often very strict judges of our own conduct and very unforgiving judges of our own conduct.

[24:37]

The Sashin that just ended in San Francisco, the Rahatsu Sashin, apparently, was concentrated entirely on that section of Fukunza Zangi in which Dogen Zenji says, to give up chasing after words and phrases and turn your light inward. Take the backward step. that turns your light inward to illuminate the self. And if we do that, then we turn our light inward to look at our actual experience. Giving up thoughts and phrases, giving up chasing after all of the ideas and thoughts that beset us and turn our attention to what is this experience of myself in this moment.

[25:54]

As I mentioned, for me today, that had to do with turning my attention directly to this headache and trying to find out what is happening, trying to, but finding that the first thing you have to do is to accept the experience. If it's an unpleasant experience, our attention, our tendency is not to accept it, not to want to look at it, not to even acknowledge it's there. So sometimes it has to become very insistent, you know, until it's, you can't ignore it. At some point, you know, you have to turn your attention to your own experience and say, I hear you. I acknowledge you. What is it? What is it that you want me to notice?

[26:59]

What's happening? Just as with your friends, you know, you need to attend to them and say, I hear you. What do you want me to notice? You have to be your own friend, and you have to listen to yourself. You have to pay attention to what it is that you're trying to get yourself to notice. To do that, we have to turn away from explanations, turn away from words, and try to turn toward our direct experience. Often that will be just in the form of physical sensation.

[28:07]

So to turn our attention directly to the physical sensation to our breath, to our posture, to whatever is happening. With compassion, with loving kindness, with generosity, with all of these qualities of the Bodhisattva that we read about, study about, and think about, try to actually do them directly, non-verbally, with ourself. If we want to be compassionate with others, we have to find out how to be compassionate with ourselves.

[29:18]

And a good deal of our conditioning has been that whatever we do, we're not quite good enough for what is expected of us. Whatever that may have been as we were growing up, we seem to internalize it and still find, though we're adults and on our own and in charge of our life, so to speak, still, whatever we do is not good enough. for some judge which we, you know, which we internalize. And when you notice that you're judging yourself in that way, you may say kindly to the judge, excuse me judge, I would like a recess. We can get into this kind of circular thing of noticing ourselves being judgmental and then judging the judge and then judging the judge, judging the judge, you know.

[30:39]

Oh, I'm not supposed to do that right. That's bad. And on and on. You know, like someone reminded me today of a Charles Adam cartoon in which there's someone sitting between two mirrors and there are these, you know, the kind of endless reflections. And then somewhere back there in one of these reflections, there's a monster. So sometimes this monster pops up and we think we're a monster. I think that you will find that when you're in some kind of

[31:48]

When you're feeling bad, you know, sort of mentally feeling bad, feeling bad about yourself or feeling bad about others, if you turn your attention inward to your actual experience of what that's like, you will find somewhere some tension. Somewhere there's actually some physical tension that is inseparable from your mental experience. And if you turn your attention and your breath and your intention to take care of yourself toward that tense place wherever it is, with real feeling of kindness and consideration for yourself,

[32:52]

you can sometimes begin to soften it and let it go. But you have to first accept it. You have to fully avow it, fully own it. Include it and caress it. This is maybe a little different approach toward morality and ethics than you may have had in your life. But I think that stern judgment and guilt and punishment really sort of

[34:04]

just continue unskillful action. It then continues our tendency to be judgmental of others and increases our aversion and ill will toward others as well as ourself. And does not tend toward peace and harmony in ourselves or in our relationships or in the world. I think rather the recognition that we're all in each moment making our best effort and acknowledging that we're making our best effort and that sometimes our effort doesn't produce the result that we would hope for will give us a much softer feeling, a much more forgiving feeling, a feeling which will allow us to develop loving-kindness

[35:08]

and sympathetic joy and compassion and equanimity. Is there something you would like to talk about? It's actually better now. It's better now since I've been talking. Questions? Discussion? Don't make me do all the work. What? Yeah? Well, I think you just have to start. You have to... You have to be willing

[36:12]

I mean, I have to be willing to not be Saint Blanche, you know? I have to be willing to be human Blanche. And continue to make my best effort and continue to forgive myself when it doesn't come out as well as I had hoped. The thing is that whatever it is that is there, that is difficult for you to accept, is actually there whether you accept it or not. So you're either going to be fighting it and pushing it away, or you're going to be working with it. But to work with it, you have to actually accept it, and accept that it's there, and say, now what can we do together?

[37:14]

You're wishing it to go away or pushing it away doesn't actually make it go away. It just sets up a tension, you know. But it doesn't, it doesn't, it's just not a skillful way of taking care of it, to not accept it. So I guess the first way to begin is to see that the not accepting it isn't working. I mean, I think we, you know, we continue to do things the way we've always done them until, you know, it gets to the point where we can't stand it anymore. It's just not going in the direction we want to go, and it's not working, and we're batting our heads against a wall, and there must be another way to approach these problems.

[38:21]

So, as long as it's worth it for you to not accept whatever it is, then continue. But if at some point you find that it really isn't working, that you're just getting yourself more and more and more tied up nuts about, then you'll consider whether you might try a different approach to taking care of yourself. Okay? Is that enough you want? Yes. I tried very hard at something that was very important to me. I really tried my very best. And I failed. And the grief of that is huge. And it leaves me very discouraged and not feeling so much like continuing to try to do my best.

[39:37]

So what's your next thing? What do you do for the grief? Cry. Yeah, you have to accept it and kind of hold it and caress it, right? You have to forgive yourself. You have to forgive yourself that The effort you made that was the best effort you could make didn't produce the result you wanted. I'm not so sure that Well, maybe you need to look at what it was you were trying to do, what it was you were trying to accomplish with that effort.

[40:55]

I mean, the effort was directed at a particular goal in this case, I think. Sometimes we just have to make an effort to be the best we can be and do the best we can do without any particular goal at the moment and just see what comes along. Yeah. Anyone else? Yes? I'm curious about why you think that the approach to ethical moral behavior that you mentioned would be so different from that in terms to his experience?

[42:17]

I don't know about you. Maybe most of you had a different upbringing than I did, but the upbringing that I had included a lot of judging, a lot of concepts of right and wrong and guilt and innocence. and guilt and condemnation, you know, and judgment and punishment, and that sort of thing. I think I meant now, when you're dealing with adults who have thought about it for, as we all have for many years, why do you think not all can? Well, I find when people speak to me one-to-one, many people have not come to the same conclusion. Or, although on a rational or intellectual level, many people have come to the same conclusion in their actual emotional responses to things that come up in their life.

[43:28]

If they pay attention, they may notice that they're judging and feeling guilty about themselves. judging and condemning and feeling guilty and punishing and so forth. Even though on a rational and intellectual level they have come to the conclusion that that's not maybe the best way to conduct their life, they still fall into old habits because we have often a lot of conditioning in that way. And it sneaks in when we're not noticing for some people. We sneak into old habits of judging and condemning and not accepting and being, you know, aversion and etc. So even though we may have been considering it and thinking about it a long time and have come to the very same conclusions that I talk about, and I say that because I've, you know, I've been considering this a long time and come to these conclusions,

[44:40]

intellectually over and over again. But I still fall into old habits. And so what I'm doing now is sort of bringing up, you know, just bringing this up to, you know, I don't talk about very much new here, you know, I just kind of keep turning it over and aerating it and bringing it to light so that things don't sneak around there in the dark that we're not noticing. And That's just turning the light inward, you know. Just keep paying attention and keep paying attention and when you are feeling some afflictive emotion, turn your attention toward it and see what's happening. I find out, you know, I find when we talk about endless greed, hate and delusion, beginningless greed, hate and delusion, you know, it may It may change, but it, you know, if you look at the Buddhist understanding of it anyhow, when you look at some of the old Indian texts, you know, it's the umpty-doodly of booming, you know, I mean, it's way up yonder in the end of the Arhat's path before you

[46:05]

get rid of pride and greed and these kinds of things that we tend to fall into. And most of us are not sort of on this path of purification of trying to be saints. Most of us are just trying to be bodhisattvas, you know. We're just trying to be in the world with everyone, subject to all of the afflictions that human beings are afflicted with and live our life with as much kindness and compassion and harmony as we can. So if we're paying attention we will continue to run into these areas where we're not forgiving ourselves for not being good enough. and not forgiving others for not being good enough.

[47:08]

Does that make sense? Does that make sense? Is that your experience? That even though you may have come to some of the same conclusions, don't you sometimes find yourself in hot water? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. And I'm just encouraging all of us when we get into hot water, to have some compassion for ourselves, because if we can have compassion for ourselves when we get into hot water, we're going to have more compassion for others. Oh, okay. Yes? The question of how to begin accepting yourself. It's been helpful to me when I'm beating myself, or berating myself about something, or angry about something, to label, to put a word on what I'm doing in my mind, to label it.

[48:18]

Like, for instance, oh, I'm beating myself, or am I hurting my life, my mind, or something like that. And then another thought comes up immediately. For instance, here I am just labeling and helpful to live on that, and to continue putting some work, some label on what I'm doing, until eventually the feeling bites up, there's just some sort of emotion, and it's so, you know, it's just there, there's kind of no, it's not enclosed, Thank you, thank you. It's getting to be time.

[49:11]

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